Walburga Returns
"SIRIUS!"
"HARRY!"
Harry hugged his dogfather tightly and waved at a scowling Remus.
"Harry James Potter, you'd better have a good explanation for the gnomes that I was assured would never come near me again." He said sternly. Harry grinned - Remus did look a bit worse for wear.
"It wasn't me." He answered truthfully. "Have you done something to annoy Kreacher? The gnomes are quite taken with him."
"Has anyone told you that you have the strangest two house-elves ever?" Bill asked as he came out of the dining room to greet them all.
Harry shrugged. "They might be a bit odd by typical standards, but they're very effective. It also won't be two for much longer either."
"What does that mean?" Remus demanded. "I thought Dobby and Kreacher were both male?"
"What? Ew! No Remus, that's disgusting. Neither of my house elves are female or pregnant, we're just adopting another one." Bill grinned and ruffled his hair.
Sirius paled. "No, not another demented elf, please!" Harry's smug grin only got wider.
"Oh don't worry, Winky still isn't in a good frame of mind, so she won't start learning the ropes from Dobby and Kreacher until Kreacher has sorted her drinking problem." Sirius put his head in his hands and let out a pitiful whine.
"Kreacher is helping someone? That's new." Narcissa commented.
Harry tilted his head. "He's an excellent therapist, you know." He said seriously. "Anyway, I'm hungry. Please tell me the Weasleys are still staying with us."
Fred and George nodded emphatically. "Of course we are." They chorused.
"And don't worry-"
"Mum is cooking."
"Thank goodness!" Harry sighed with relief. "Sirius can't cook for anything."
Sirius gasped in offence. "Oi! That's mean."
"You burnt water." Remus pointed out. "Which is scientifically impossible."
"Yeah but to be fair, a snake winked at me in the zoo once and snakes don't have eyelids." Harry pointed out. "Looking back, I swear that snake was actually Nagini."
Ginny frowned. "Nagini? Whose that?"
"Moldy's snake." Harry told her. "Although I feel like I read about a Nagini in fantastic beasts and in one of the Grindelwald books back in my 'maybe being a dark lord would be kind of cool' era."
Before anyone could question Harry on that particular titbit of information, Molly appeared. "Right then you lot, go and take your things upstairs and come back down for dinner." She ordered, hugging each child warmly and then swatting them away with a tea towel. They all did as they were told, racing up the stairs and giggling.
Daphne and Astoria flooed from Grimmauld place to Italy that evening, where their parents were staying with Blaise Zabini and his mother. Susan and Neville were with their own families for the holidays, as was Luna, so Christmas felt much quieter than the summer.
Susan did promise to come over in the evening on Christmas day for the rest of the holidays.
"You know, Hermione, at least we missed the Slug club party." Harry grimaced. "Why Gandalf was so insistent we go makes no sense whatsoever."
"Except it does." Hermione said with a small frown. "He was a teacher when Moldy was a student, you know. And didn't you say he knew some of his secrets?"
Harry frowned. "I can't remember, I'll have to read back a few chapters and refresh my memory."
"Read back a few- mate, what are you talking about?" Ron asked.
Draco sighed loudly. "He's writing a Potter memoir." He explained in a bored tone of voice. "Because he wants to practice before he actually gets to write in the official Potter memoir. Really, it's just a diary."
"Hey! I do not write a diary." Harry pouted.
"He does it because Kreacher told him to for his mental wellbeing." Ginny added with a giggle. Harry blushed.
"Ginevra Weasley, my sessions with Kreacher are confidential, how do you know that?"
"I read it on the first page of your diary."
"You READ my DIARY?!" Harry shrieked.
"So, it is a diary then." Draco quipped, and Hermione coughed to hide her laugh.
"I- ugh, I hate you all." Harry stormed from the room, and they heard him kick open another door and enter a random room, muttering loudly to himself.
"AND MINUS THREE HUNDRED PEOPLE POINTS, FROM ALL OF YOU!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.
"FILTHY MUDBLOODS AND BLOOD TRAITORS, STAINING MY HOME WITH YOUR AWFUL STENCH!"
"I think it's safe to say that Harry has found Walburga and any hope of some peace and quiet for the next two weeks is gone." Hermione said, turning the page of her book.
"I thought Sirius had burned the painting." Ron said, eyeing the door suspiciously, as if Harry was about burst in with the Black Matriarch. Which in fairness, he probably was.
"He lied." Draco explained. "Portraits like that can't be destroyed, which is why particularly annoying portraits tend to end up in family vaults."
"So why didn't Sirius or your mum put her in one?" Hermione asked.
"Because the Goblins despise Walburga so much she is one of the only people who was banned from ever entering the bank, including in painting form."
"That's hilarious." Ginny grinned as Harry was dragged back into the room by his ear. Sirius deposited him on a chair and stood over him, scowling furiously.
Harry blew a raspberry at him. Sirius, being very mature, blew one right back.
Walburga was apprehended and relocated that same day. Harry and the twins spent most of their time leading up to Christmas trying to find her again. Not even Minerva's biscuits deterred them. Snape, who still took great pleasure in messing with Sirius and Remus, would make snide comments that the twins knew how to interpret as suggestions and tips on where to find hidden rooms and passages that the portrait might be.
They took great joy in finding out from Snape that Grimmauld also had secret passages to discover. How Snape knew was a mystery, but Narcissa told them he was best friends with Sirius' younger brother, Regulus, so that could have been it.
Then, as promised, Snape's anti singing potion wore off on Christmas eve, right in the middle of an order meeting. Naturally, Harry, the twins, Sirius, Bill, Tonks, Kingsley and Charlie started singing uproariously from their various rooms of the house, not caring about whatever goose chase Dumbledore was trying to discuss next. That same evening, Snape dosed them all with a much stronger version of the potion by spiking their food.
They couldn't speak for hours afterwards, let along sing. The group took great pleasure in communicating with wild gestures and enjoyed calling everyone rude names silently. Draco, who was an excellent lip-reader, had to excuse himself to keep from laughing.
Christmas was fun, as it always was. Once Susan arrived and they had their voices back, she managed to persuade Harry to end the Walburga hunt. How? No one knew. Hermione was extremely jealous of how easily Susan managed to get Harry to do whatever she wanted. She didn't even use biscuits!
"Hermione, stop giving me the evils." Susan said, not looking up from her parchment. The two girls were alone in the library, studying. "If you want to know what I did, you need only ask."
"It's just not fair!" Hermione exclaimed, snapping her book shut. "He just does what he's told as soon as you get here, and it makes no sense!"
"Hermione." Susan said, looking up at the irate Gryffindor. "Why do you think I asked Harry for joint custody of his house elves last year when I won the points thing?"
"Because you're secretly just as crazy as he is."
"Oh, Hermione." Susan said softly. "You're right, but also so, so wrong. I asked for joint custody because Dobby and Kreacher already love me far more than him. By having the ability to let them do what I wanted, even against Harry's wishes, I gave myself a huge advantage."
"But what's that got to do with Harry ending the Walburga hunt?" Hermione asked, intrigued. Susan laughed.
"Kreacher has been tailing Harry and the twins, invisible, since I arrived. Every time they so much as mention Walburga, he slaps them with the fly swatter. I had to buy him his own one, since Dobby doesn't share. It's basically McGonagall's biscuit method, but reversed."
Hermione stared at Susan, admiration shining in her eyes. "Marry me." She said. Susan grinned.
"No, sorry. But I can teach you."
~
A few days later, Susan received a letter from her aunt.
"Guys, someone got poisoned at Slughorn's Christmas party. Apparently Slughorn had been given a bottle of butterbeer with poison in it that he was planning on giving to Dumbledore." Susan frowned and handed the letter to Harry.
"What? That's insane. What is up with Hogwarts wards?" Harry asked, scanning the letter himself and passing it to Hermione, who snatched it from him and read quickly.
"Someone really wants to assassinate Gandalf." Ron said, looking slightly faint.
Draco snorted. "Their attempts are rubbish. Dumbledore isn't stupid enough to fall for any of these."
Susan shook her head, writing a response to her aunt and giving it to Hedwig, who nipped her ear gently and flew off.
"First you steal my house elves, and now my owl." Harry pouted. "Is everyone in my life destined to love you more than me?"
"Yes." Susan said playfully, winking at him. "Even Sirius."
"Never!" Harry exclaimed. "Sirius?"
Sirius waved a hand at him, mid-conversation with Remus. "Sirius? Sirius, don't ignore me!"
"Hey, Sirius?" Sirius looked away from Remus and smiled at Susan. Remus did too.
"Yes?" Susan grinned triumphantly and Harry pouted again.
Three days before the end of the holidays, Harry bounced on the balls of his feet, unable to keep still. He was brimming with excitement, staring at the front door intently.
As soon as the doorbell rang, he pulled it open and grinned excitedly at the man on the doorstep.
~
Dudley Dursley had a very strange life. As a baby, he was used to receiving all the love his parents could give. Then, his younger cousin came along and Dudley had to share. Luckily for him, his parents also hated the new addition, and Dudley discovered that his parents seemed to love Dudley so much more when he joined in with making fun of his tiny scrap of a cousin.
Once they started school, it became obvious that Harry was much cleverer than him, and made friends far more easily than he did. Not knowing how to handle the jealously, he beat his cousin up and scared his friends off. He cried to his parents who forced his cousin to pretend to be dumb. Dudley, the spoiled brat he was, loved every second.
As they got older, Dudley began to feel guilty. Especially when the scary giant man came and told his cousin he was a wizard, and how his parents really died. Dudley couldn't help but feel bad, knowing how he'd feel if his parents died.
After his cousin left for school, Dudley began to think for himself for the first time in his life. He watched other families, and heard how other children spoke to each other. Siblings, cousins, friends. When his cousin came back in the summer, Dudley mostly avoided him, not sure how to deal with the foreign feelings. He couldn't resist poking at him sometimes, but the ugly feeling he got afterwards left him feeling worse.
After his cousin's second year away, Dudley avoided him completely. He was secretly quite amused when Harry blew up Aunt Marge and scarpered.
The next summer, Harry came back. However, the following one he didn't. The only time Dudley felt he even came close to seeing his cousin was when those scary dementoids attacked him out of nowhere and a silvery stag scared them away. A man in a funny robe had visited them and explained that the creatures were prison guards sent to try and suck out Harry's soul or frame him for something or other.
The Christmas after his summer absence, the fireplace flashed green and Harry appeared. Dudley threw his controller across the room and screamed in shock, not expecting his younger cousin to appear so randomly in the fireplace. Once he'd recovered, he tried to talk nicely to his cousin and then willingly helped the barrage of redheads and brunettes that came through the fire next.
A few weeks later, Dudley received a letter from Harry, delivered by a strange looking creature. His mother had shrieked and thrown a frying pan at him. Dudley quickly yanked the creature upstairs and scribbled a reply.
Thus began a tentative friendship with his cousin. Harry's letters were often a bit strange, and Dudley sometimes wondered if he was a little bit crazy, but then again the creature Harry had sent with the letter was very strange too, so maybe it was just a magic thing.
Over time, the creature (who Harry called Dobby the house-elf) helped Dudley truly see the error of his ways, helped him process all the ugly feelings he'd been battling with, and helped him completely reform his life. Apparently Dobby was a licenced life coach, and knew the basics of being a therapist from his best friend, Harry's other house-elf. He was also very good at hitting things with a fly swatter. Dudley wasn't a fan, but it did help him cut down on snacking when his hand was smacked each time he automatically reached for food he wasn't even hungry for.
Since the age of two, Dudley Dursley ate, slept, played videogames, and beat up anyone he didn't like with his friends. Over a decade later, Dudley Dursley slept a normal amount and woke up early. He started his day with a run or a workout at the gym, then ate a normal sized breakfast, lunch and dinner. Between meals, he studied and attended college, working much harder than he did for his GCSEs. Dobby taught him to cook. In the evenings, he got himself a job working in a restaurant as a waiter, and met the most amazing girl who also worked there. She went to the same college as him, which was awesome! He also made new, far better friends, and enjoyed how uplifting and positive friendships could be. Who new normal activities like skating or going to theme parks could be just as fun when you waited your turn and didn't try and fight with anyone?
His parents didn't seem very happy with how in control of his life he was. Dudley didn't care - his girlfriend was helping him find an apartment, and the restaurant had offered him a full time job for when he finished college, having discovered how good of a cook he was.
The year between the Christmas Harry visited and the following Christmas had changed his life. He found out his girlfriend was the sister of a muggleborn boy at Harry's school, so he could talk to her about Harry and his letters. They wrote at least once a week, and Harry invited Dudley and his girlfriend to come and stay with them after Christmas for a few days. Dudley agreed, as long as he was given the opportunity to apologise sincerely to everyone for his actions, and the redheaded twins promised not to make his tongue grow again.
And so here they were, on the doorstep to an odd looking house. The address had been written down for them in unfamiliar handwriting, and they had to read it in order to see the place. Hesitantly, Dudley reached out and knocked twice on the large door.