Minerva McGonagall and the Philosophical Approach
"Ah, Harry, just the person I wanted to see." Harry looked up from the very intense game of exploding snap he was playing with his friends. He waved at the Headmaster before slamming down a card on top of Ginny's, cackling when the they instantly blew up in her face.
"What do you need with Harry, Headmaster?" Sirius asked protectively, leaning on the doorframe. Dumbledore turned to give him a grandfatherly smile.
"Ah, I appear to be down a staff member once again. However, I'll need Harry's help to persuade the man I'm hoping to teach in September to come out of retirement. If possible, I'd like to bring Miss Lovegood and Mr Longbottom along as well."
"Well, that's random." Harry said. "But I'm game. What is he teaching, DADA?"
"Potions." Dumbledore said, smiling. Ron dropped his cards in shock and Ginny yelled in outrage when they exploded in her face for the second time.
"Snape's leaving?" He exclaimed, staring at Dumbledore.
"No, Weasley, as if you'd be so lucky. I will be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts." Snape smirked. The Order meeting must have finished, as Harry could see several other Order members traipsing out of the house through the open living room door.
Ron and Neville shared a terrified glance. Daphne and Draco looked unbothered and Hermione just rolled her eyes at the two Gryffindor boys' cowardice. Harry, however, smiled brightly.
"Just don't die, yeah?" He said to Snape, who ignored him and left.
"Well then Miss Lovegood, Mr Longbottom, Harry. Shall we be off?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry and Neville shared a look, but Luna skipped after Dumbledore. Harry shrugged and followed her, so Neville trailed after them.
Dumbledore apparated them all to a small muggle house in London. As soon as they passed through the wards the sky went dark and the house looked completely destroyed.
"Oh dear." Dumbledore let himself in, and the three students followed him.
"Death Eaters, do you think?" Harry asked Neville, not sounding particularly phased. Neville nodded uncertainly.
The living room looked like a bomb had gone off. Harry (with no social etiquette whatsoever) looked around, picking up picture frames and books off of the broken shelves.
"Horace?" Dumbledore called.
"Headmaster, there's blood on the ceiling." Luna said, pointing at the large red spot. Dumbledore reached out with his finger, just as Harry spotted a really cosy-looking armchair in the corner.
"Cannonball!" He ran, jumped, and landed hard on the chair.
"Ow!" The chair squeaked, and Neville screamed.
"Oh, hello there!" Luna said as the chair turned into a man in stripy pyjamas, rubbing his head and getting to his feet. Harry rolled away, giggling, and stood up.
"Albus, to what do I owe the pleasure?" The man said awkwardly. "Did you not receive my letter declining your offer?"
"I did, but I implore you to reconsider. Now, if you don't mind, could I use the bathroom?" Dumbledore left without waiting for an answer.
"He thought bringing students would persuade me to return, ha! Fool." Horace said, rather bitterly in Harry's opinion.
"Well, I am pretty famous you know." Harry said matter-of-factly. "I used to hate it, but now that everyone thinks I'm demented it's a lot more fun!"
"Oh my word, you're Harry Potter! A pleasure to meet you, young chap! I used to teach your parents, you know."
"Is that why you have their picture on the fireplace? Because I was beginning to think you were a bit of a weird stalker." Harry put his hands on his hips, looking an awful lot like Molly Weasley.
Horace laughed. "Not at all, dear boy! Your mother was a potions and charms prodigy, she was going to study her potions mastery with me after the war."
Harry picked up the photograph. "HA! Sirius is picking his nose! Neville, look!"
Horace perked up again. "Neville, as in Neville Longbottom? I used to teach your parents as well. Such a shame what happened to them, a terrible shame." The man shook his head sadly.
"Er." Neville said awkwardly.
"Luna, is this your mum?" Harry pointed at a picture of a very pretty blonde woman, who was smiling and waving at her young lookalike.
"Luna Lovegood, of course! Pandora was my prized pupil. I suppose I should introduce myself. Horace Slughorn." Horace held out his hand, and Harry shook it.
"Hi." Harry said. "Why'd you put dragon's blood on the ceiling?"
Horace paused. "How do you know it was-"
"Dragons love me." Harry said seriously. Neville snorted.
"It's eroding through the ceiling, that's why." He explained, and Slughorn looked much less confused.
"Yes, well, Dumbledore has been after me for weeks, as have You-Know-Who and his followers. I thought if I made the house look like it had been ambushed they would leave me alone."
"Er, Revelio?" Harry said, and Slughorn smacked himself in the forehead.
"I hadn't even thought of that."
"There's also no Dark Mark in the sky." Neville added.
"Why does Voldypants want you so badly anyway?" Harry asked, looking the man in the eye.
"Er, yes, well, I taught him too, back in the day. Was his head of house, actually." Slughorn rubbed the back of his neck. Harry narrowed his eyes.
"So he wants to recruit you." Harry concluded.
"No! No, but I was privy to some of his more... private musings. Information he probably doesn't want me to share."
"Ohhh, do tell!" Harry's eyes shone. Slughorn gulped.
"A conversation for another time, perhaps." He said evasively. Harry jumped on the opportunity.
"Another time? So you'll come to Hogwarts?"
"No no, I didn't say that, I simply meant-"
"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE! SLUGHORN SAID HE'D COME TO-" He turned around, and Dumbledore was close enough that Harry almost bumped into him. "....Hogwarts." He finished at a normal sound level, smiling sheepishly.
"Oh, jolly good!" Dumbledore clapped, looking delighted.
"But I didn't-"
"Here." Luna handed Slughorn a pair of ruby-red slippers.
"Whatever for?" He asked.
"Put them on, tap them together three times, and each time say "There's no place like home"." Harry explained. "They won't take you to Hogwarts, but they'll take you to Hogsmeade station!"
"But I still haven't agreed to-"
"You will of course, receive a raise, and an extra week of paid holiday leave." Dumbledore added. Slughorn sighed, defeated.
"Fine, fine."
"Well, children, we should leave Horace in peace. Would you like some help fixing this place up before we take our leave?" Dumbledore offered.
Slughorn nodded. "Please. This isn't my house, I'm just staying in it whilst the muggles are away."
Dumbledore and Slughorn worked together to fix the house whilst Harry, Neville and Luna played the floor is lava. Harry now had an awesome idea for Hogwarts.
"Well, Horace, I shall see you in September." Dumbledore said whilst ushering Harry, Neville and Luna towards the door.
"I suppose you will." Slughorn sighed.
"Then you can tell me all your gossip on Riddle!" Harry said excitedly. Dumbledore smiled. Harry ignored him, as usual.
On their way out of the wards, Harry turned to Dumbledore and held out his hand expectantly.
"What do you need, Harry?" Dumbledore asked, raising a brow.
"I just got you a staff member. That'll cost you ten Galleons for my service. Ten each for Nev and Lue too." Harry said sternly. Dumbledore looked flabbergasted, but reached into his pocket nonetheless.
They were ambushed by McGonagall, who had been lying in wait for them in the dining room, as soon as they walked through the front door of 12 Grimmauld Place.
"Well?" She asked crisply, leaning on her walking stick.
"He's agreed to it." Dumbledore said cheerfully.
"He didn't really." Neville corrected the Headmaster. "Harry just said he had and Slughorn couldn't get a word in edgeways to deny it."
"Ah." McGonagall smiled knowingly. "Mr Potter! Come and have a biscuit!" Harry came running back through the house, pausing briefly to poke a grumpy-looking picture of a young Sirius on the nose.
"Okay." He said agreeably, following his Head of House into the kitchen.
It had been the strangest summer of Minerva's life. After being almost murdered by 12 stunners and a very strange encounter with Death (not for the first time, mind), she had been carted off to St Mungo's for a month and then left in the care of Andromeda, Remus, Sirius and Narcissa. Then all of her students had arrived and she had resigned herself to a very noisy summer.
However, Minerva had a secret. As a child with a muggle father, she had learnt about some of the more famous muggle strategies for behaviour control.
So, using a mixture of classical and operational conditioning, she had begun to train members of Grimmauld place.
Namely Harry, the twins, and Sirius. But everyone was a target.
It was very simple, really. Minerva was amazing at baking shortbread. Everyone loved her shortbread and so it was the perfect reinforcer. All she had to do was reward the behaviour she wanted to see. When the behaviour was not up to her standard? She simply offered one to someone else in the household instead, preferably someone displaying the desired behaviour.
She'd been using this tactic on Albus for years. It even worked on Severus. No one had ever realised what she was doing, and Minerva would take that secret to her grave.
Within two weeks of the children returning to Grimmauld all homework had been completed, the children did the dishes after every meal without being asked or arguing with each other, and Severus and Sirius hadn't yelled at each other once.
"How?" Remus had hissed at her one morning. She just raised a brow. "It was a nightmare last summer. Harry almost burnt the entire building down! What spell have you cast on them?"
"I don't appreciate your tone, Mr Lupin." She said curtly.
"Sorry Ma'am."
"Not a problem, lad. Biscuit?"
Remus was never rude to her again.
Harry brought her a cup of tea every morning. Fred and George would help her walk from to room when she was still too weak to do so (although they had always had a soft spot for their Head of House, so that wasn't really surprising). Sirius would give up his seat every time she entered the room, even if there were some available. Hermione had asked him why he did that once and Sirius had asked her what she was talking about, taking a bite of the delicious shortbread Minerva had just handed him.
Severus always paid whenever the two would get a drink in the three broomsticks. Dumbledore was yet to say no to any additional facilities and necessities she required for her private rooms at Hogwarts - a larger space, a nicer bathroom, a warmer fireplace. He didn't question it when she asked him for an solid gold tabby cat door knocker that meowed when it was someone she hated, and purred when it was someone she liked. He simply agreed and happily munched on a piece of shortbread whilst installing it.
Until, one morning, she was confronted.
"We know what you're doing." Minerva turned to look at the two girls in the doorway to her study. Sirius had given her one of the master bedrooms, with it's own private bathroom and study.
"I do not know what you mean Miss Granger, Miss Greengrass." She said curtly.
"Oh please!" Hermione scoffed. "I grew up a muggle, Professor, I read all about Pavlov and Skinner in the library."
"And my parents are mind healers, Professor. They specialise in theory." Daphne added.
Minerva smiled.
"We'll keep your secret, if you teach us." Hermione crossed her arms.
"Very well. Come in, and close the door behind you. Would you like a biscuit?"
Harry now made three cups of tea in the morning. He had no idea why, but he didn't mind.
During one memorable Order meeting, Minerva had been rather late. She entered the room, twins on either side, and Sirius instantly stood to let her have his seat.
"Thank you, dear." She sat down and Sirius automatically held a hand out. Minerva gave him a confused look.
"Sorry, I don't why I did that." Sirius scratched his head, frowning.
"It's quite alright, Mr Black. Biscuit?"
~
Hermione paced up and down, biting her nails as she stared frantically out of the window.
"Do sit down, Miss Granger." Minerva said sternly. The girl did so automatically, and took the proffered shortbread without question. It seemed that even though she knew Minerva's little scheme, she still fell prey to it. So did Daphne.
"You will have done amazingly, Mione, there's no need to panic." Ron said, looking slightly nervous himself.
"They're here!" Neville said suddenly, as Remus opened the window to let the owl in. Sirius handed each envelope to each student. Ginny, Luna and Astoria had no grades in theirs.
Neville had done reasonably well. He had received all As except for an O in Herbology, a T in Potions, a D in History of Magic and an E in Care of Magical Creatures.
Hermione and Draco had almost all O's. Both received an E in Astronomy, due to the interruption midway through the exam, and Draco got an E in Ancient Runes. Hermione got an E in History of Magic, to her obvious chagrin.
Daphne got mostly E's, with an A in Astronomy and an O in Potions, Charms, and Ancient Runes.
Ron got mostly A's, an E in Charms, Transfiguration, and Defence against the Dark Arts, and a P in Potions and History of Magic
Susan got E's in all subjects except for Arithmancy and Charms, in which she got an O, and an A in History of Magic
Harry frowned at his own results.
"What's an O+?" He asked. Everyone gaped at him.
"They haven't given anyone an O+ since-" Remus trailed off.
"Lily." Sirius finished. "She got an O+ in Charms and Potions, the swot."
"Oh." Harry said, studying his results.
Herbology - A
Charms - E
Potions - O
Defence Against the Dark Arts - O+
Transfiguration - E
Care of Magical Creatures - E
Divination - P
Astronomy - A
History of Magic - D
"You've done marvellously well, Pup." Sirius said, snatching the results and ruffling Harry's hair.
"An O+? Excellent achievement, Mr Potter, you've made me very proud." McGonagall handed each student a biscuit. Harry grinned. He was more pleased with his Potions grade.
"An O in Potions, Potter?" Snape raised his brow, looking at the results Remus had proudly handed him to him. "I must admit, I am surprised." Harry shot him a lopsided grin.
"I knew you secretly liked me." He said cheekily. Snape rolled his eyes, and turned to congratulate his Godson.