Don't play tag with crazy murderers)
They entered through the muggle world. Harry delighted in telling the automated voice in the telephone box they were all Malfoy's Minions, and they were there to squash flies.
The ministry was deserted, and the clerk at the desk was half asleep, barely registering the badges before waving them through to the atrium.
Harry vowed to himself to keep his badge forever. Malfoy's Minion, Fly Squasher, Pro
He giggled when he caught Ginny glaring at him.
"Fly squasher, less than satisfactory?" She hissed in outrage. "I'm amazing at fly squashing, you know this!"
"Not the time, Ginny," Neville murmured as they piled into an elevator, tumbling out at the very last stop.
The Department of Mysteries looked no different than before. Harry led the others through to the room of many doors, and didn't bat an eyelid when they span in rapid succession. No one questioned him when he knew instantly which door to walk through. In fact, not one spoke until Harry stopped at Row 94, and read the label on the shelf nearest his head.
SPT to APWBD
HJP AND TMR
Harry smirked, and lifted the small glass ball from the shelf. As soon as he did so, he heard a scuffle and they were surrounded by death eaters.
"Give me the prophecy, Potter!" Lucius Malfoy snarled, lifting his wand closer to Harry's face.
"Oh, Hi barbie. How're the peacocks?" Harry asked cheerfully.
"Enough! Give it to me!"
"What, this?" Harry felt his friends get into position and smirked, tossing the ball into the air and catching it with ease. He watched Malfoy flinch and smiled widely. "I don't think so. It's rather fun to play with, you see."
"Itty bitty baby Potter!" Harry watched with a raised brow as a skinny woman with hair crazier than Hermione's approached him, sadistic smirk on her face.
"Bellatrix Lestrange!" Harry greeted, throwing the prophecy high into the air, clapping madly, then catching it deftly. "You look so much like your cousin Sirius!"
Bellatrix hissed at him and Harry laughed, still casually tossing the prophecy up and down with one hand.
"Give it here, Potter, and we'll let your little friends go with their lives!" She spat, holding out a hand for the prophecy.
"I don't think I will, thanks. It would be rather boring if I just gave it to you without a fight, no?" He recognized the crazed glint in her eye. It's one he sometimes saw in the mirror. He knew he had her hooked.
"Well, it would be a crime if I passed on the opportunity to torture you for longer than necessary." She said softly.
"Well, if you want to play, I'm game. If you let these guys go, of course." He said, as if he was doing her a favour. She fell for it.
"Fine." She said, and Harry shrugged nonchalantly.
"Dobby!"
Dobby appeared with a crack. Harry smirked at the sheer rage on Malfoy's face. "Take this lot home, yeah?" He knew Hermione would kill him later for straying from the plan he'd told them, but it was necessary. If he was going to play with a crazy witch, he wanted his friends safe out of the way.
Dobby nodded and they vanished with a pop.
Hermione would also kill him for offering a game of chase to Bellatrix as an option, but in order to be believed fully he needed Bellatrix and Lucius fooled. Both by the prophecy in his hand, and his insanity. And fooled they were.
"Run little Potter!" Bellatrix cackled. Harry shot her deranged grin, and sprinted from the hall of prophecies. He could hear at least six death eaters behind him, but he didn't relent, or turn to duel them. He ran back into the room of doors and through a random door, where a tank of odd creatures that looked like brains sat, immobile, in large tanks.
Harry levitated an entire tank and dropped the spell with the first Death Eater entered the room. It took him out instantly and Harry laughed, especially when the next Death Eater tripped over the first. Harry stood and watched as the third leapt over the other two, and then promptly tripped over Harry's outstretched leg.
"Whoopsie!" Harry ran from the room, finally reaching the one he and Susan had planned on that summer. It was a simple room, made of stone, with an odd looking black veil on a raised dais. Harry had been oddly drawn to it the first time but now he was distracted, quickly grabbing a piece of plastic from his pocket.
"Potter!"
"Chaaaaaaaarrrrrge!" Harry, wand in one hand, prophecy in his magically enlarged pocket (Prophecies can't be summoned, you'd be a fool to try) and fly swatter in his other hand, launched himself at Malfoy Sr, whacking him over and over again with fly swatter. He heard Bellatrix enter the room through another, cackling madly as she watched Harry's attack.
Clearly believing Harry to be distracted, she slashed the air with her wand. Harry cast a shield charm at his back with his wand in his right hand, and continued beating Malfoy with the fly swatter in his left.
Then, he stopped. He backed away, and watched as Bellatrix and Lucius advanced on him, wands raised.
He dropped the fly swatter. Then he, very slowly, reached into his pocket. They smiled triumphantly, and Lucius held out his hand for the prophecy.
Harry pressed the trigger of the water pistol, aiming right in Malfoy's face. Bellatrix shrieked with laughter as Malfoy spluttered. She didn't notice the Order members piling into the room straight away. Harry did.
"Hi guys!" He called, waving his wand hand madly. "We were just having a water fight! Want to join us?"
Tonks obliged, and shot water straight at one of the death eaters from the brain room. The jet was so strong he was flung into the wall and once again crumpled to the floor, unconscious.
"Nice shot!" Harry complimented, dropping the water pistol and ducking under Malfoy's arm, darting over to the Order. "Can you guys take it from here, or are you just going to watch?"
"Cheeky." Moody grumbled, picking up the fly swatter and whacking Harry on the head with it before deftly blocking another attack from Bellatrix.
"Harry, go, more death eaters are coming!" Remus said urgently.
"Okay!" Harry nodded as the Order began to duel. He quickly darted out of the fray and watched as Andromeda and Tonks worked together to duel Bellatrix.
He sidled up behind her, and ignored the looks he got from the two Tonkses.
"TAG!" He shrieked, poking Bellatrix in the back. "You're it!"
And off he ran.
He led her up to the atrium - He knew that's where Voldy would go, since he'd seen Lucius slip off five minutes before. And where Voldy was, was where Dumbles would go. And Harry had something to say.
He dodged and deflected Bellatrix's attack without turning around, and halted so suddenly in the atrium she bumped into him.
"Sorry." She said automatically, clearly not thinking.
"Forgiven?" Harry said, looking puzzled for the first time that day. Then she realised and tried to grab him, but he'd already stepped out of the way.
"Hey, Voldy, looking for this?" Harry exclaimed, brandishing the prophecy with a grin. Harry watched Dumbledore go pale as he and Voldemort stopped mid-duel. Lucius was stood to the side watching, expressionless.
"Harry Potter." Voldemort greeted. Harry waved. He watched Bellatrix back away and return to her master, pouting. She must must really enjoy playing chase, Harry mused as he began tossing the prophecy in the air again.
"Voldypants." Harry returned the greeting, with a small, mocking bow. Voldemort glared at him and hissed. Harry raised a brow. It wasn't parseltongue, so maybe he had just forgotten how to speak.
Harry heard the rest of the Order pile into the atrium. The other death eaters had been dealt with quickly, then. Voldemort had a ward around the two of them before any of the Order, Dumbledore included, could interfere. However, everyone could hear and see them.
"Here's what is going to happen." Voldemort said, stepping closer to the teenage boy in front of him. "You are going to give me that prophecy, and then you will be punished."
"Punished?" Harry enquired innocently. "Whatever for?"
"Don't pretend you don't know!" Voldemort snapped. "All, year, I've been bombarded with patronuses, howlers, letters, mind-messages, and gnomes, and I have been unable to retaliate. But now, it is time for my revenge. GIVE ME THE PROPHECY!"
"But I don't have the prophecy." Harry said, winking at Tonks. Remus noticed, of course, and gave the witch a suspicious frown. Tonks, however, was just as confused as he was. Harry resisted a giggle at the possible drama he'd just caused for fun.
"I am not blind, Harry Potter. It's in your hand. Give it to me!""
"Oh this?" Harry threw it in the air again. Voldemort winced, and Harry watched Moody apprehend Bellatrix from the corner of his eye. "This is just a glass ball. The actual prophecy was destroyed by me and a friend last year."
To prove his point, Harry dropped the glass ball. It smashed on the floor, and no wisp or voice came out of it. Voldemort screeched in rage and the Order all looked at Harry, jaws dropped open in surprise. Even Dumbledore looked a bit ill.
Harry ignored them all. "Sorry to those of you who have wasted a year guarding nothing, but it had to be done."
"Crucio!" Harry found himself once again under the cruciatus curse. He bit down on his lip, hard, and knelt on the floor. Voldemort released him and he stood back up, staggering slightly.
"Second time today! Yours are way worse than Umbridge's though. Like sheesh!" Harry brushed invisible dust of his trousers, and wordlessly summoned his fly swatter. "Are we duelling again, like we did in the graveyard?"
Voldemort raised his wand. Harry raised his fly swatter. Then he paused.
"Hello Minister!" Voldemort vanished quicker than you could say "Rubber duck", so Harry sent him a mental image of one instead. It had a bowler hat and a tie, of course. "Do you believe me now?" Harry asked the Minister, who was too stunned to speak.
Things moved very quickly after that. All the captured death eaters were arrested and taken back to Azkaban. Bellatrix, however, made it to a fireplace and escaped.
Malfoy had been forgotten about until the very end. Stood silently in the corner, he suddenly made a break for it. But before he could, there was a flash of green fire in one of the fireplaces and an enraged blonde in a hospital gown charged right at him.
"YOU STOLE MY PEACOCKS, BARBIE! I WANT THEM BACK, NOW!" Harry laughed in delight as Lockhart tackled Malfoy to the floor. The Aurors had to promise they were arresting him for his thievery in order to get Lockhart to let him go.
"Ah, Harry!" Lockhart said cheerfully, once Malfoy had been dragged away. "How are you?"
"Good, just been trying to get Barbie to release your peacocks. Unfortunately, he's given them to noseless."
"Noseless? Who is noseless?"
"A muggle." Harry said. Lockhart grimaced. "Ah, muggles. Foul things."
"Gilderoy, that is most unkind!" Andromeda reprimanded, the first of the Order to actually speak.
"Oh that's not my name, dear, It's Gellert. Gellert Grindlewald." Harry watched Dumbledore's fists clench and his face drain of colour for the third time that day.
"Gellert, you might want to tell them what a muggle is." Harry said helpfully.
"Oh, they're horrible things, all green and gooey with too many eyes and awful purple tongues." Gellert shuddered. "Aliens, from what I've heard."
"Let's get you back to St Mungos, dear." Andromeda left, Lockhart in tow, and Harry only felt slightly guilty for messing with the obliviated man so much. Then he remembered his plan and felt way better.
Harry felt someone grab his arm roughly, then after feeling like he was being pulled through a tube, he found himself in the kitchen of Grimmauld place.
Remus let him go. Harry had never seen him so angry.
"WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING!"
Harry winced. It was going to be a long night.