Fifth Year begins
"I KNEW IT!" Harry yelled loudly, pointing directly at Umbridge, who was perched at the teacher's table with a smirk. "I KNEW I HADN'T SEEN THE LAST OF YOU! In fact, I was dreaming about you again last night, you had stolen Crookshanks and renamed him cookie. Hermione wasn't pleased at all!"
"Be quiet, Mr Potter, and take a seat." Dumbledore said calmly.
"You actually said it calmly this time!" Harry exclaimed, then sat down at the Hufflepuff table with Cedric.
The first years were sorted without hassle, and the Sorting Hat gave out a warning, for the first time in Harry's Hogwarts years.
"Wow, even inanimate objects have more sense than the Ministry." Harry said quietly. Susan and Cedric sniggered.
"Now, before we begin our feast, there a few last minute notices to be given out. Firstly, Professor Dolores Umbridge is joining us as the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I trust you will give her a warm welcome. Now, Mr Filch would like to give a polite reminder that-"
"Hem Hem!"
Dumbledore blinked, and turned around. Harry snorted. If Umbridge didn't give him such bad vibes, she'd be his new favourite.
Umbridge stood and made her way to where Dumbledore was standing and he sidestepped to give her room, dipping his head slightly.
"Now, before I speak on behalf of the ministry, I must ask Mr Potter to return to his house table."
"Okay." Harry said agreeably, moving to sit next to Daphne at the Slytherin table.
"Mr Potter, you are in Gryffindor house." Umbridge simpered, eyes cold.
"Am I? The last I heard, the Sorting Hat still wanted to put me in Slytherin. Ask it if you don't believe me." Harry shrugged, making no effort to move. McGonagall resisted the urge to put her head in her hands. Why was the boy doing his utmost to make powerful enemies?
Snape went pale. Potter, in his house? That would be a total nightmare.
"I don't need to ask that hat, you are wearing a Gryffindor tie." Harry paused, took of his tie, and gave it to Blaise, who merrily swapped it with his own and went to join the Gryffindors.
"There." Harry said, as if that fixed everything.
Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Minerva, the hat if you please." McGonagall shook her head.
"I've traipsed to and from your office transporting that blasted hat enough times today. You can get it." She said frostily.
Fawkes appeared with a bang, hat in beak, looking at Harry reproachfully.
"I know, I'm sorry, Fawkes."
"Harry, why-"
"He's still waiting." Harry said mysteriously. Well, mysteriously to all of those that hadn't had to put up with him complaining about Fawkes still not getting his burger at least six times a day.
"Hat, where did you want to sort Harry Potter?" Dumbledore asked wearily.
"Wow, straight to the point, so friendly!" The hat said sarcastically. "Slytherin, of course, he plays you all so successfully. Want me to re-sort him now?"
"Oooh, yes please!" Harry said excitedly, eyes gleaming. Draco and Snape shared a horrified look.
"No, that's quite alright. Harry is perfectly settled in Gryffindor." Dumbledore said loudly over Harry's agreement. Harry scowled.
"So you woke me up for nothing." The hat sassed.
".... yes, I suppose so."
Harry shook his head, tutting. "How very rude."
"Aren't they all, Potter?" The hat said tiredly. "Wizards."
"Wizards." Harry shook his head solemnly in agreement.
"Mr Potter, if you had just done as I asked, none of this would have happened. Return to Gryffindor this instant!" Umbridge snapped.
"Fine, if you're going to be all crabby about it. Why do wizards and witches just whine all the time? It's so irritating." Harry muttered as he plonked himself next to Ron and Hermione at the Gryffindor table. Blaise winked and strolled back to the Slytherin table, still wearing Harry's Gryffindor tie. Harry didn't mind, he quite liked the green and silver one.
"I'd switch houses just for the better colour scheme you know." Harry said loudly.
Umbridge wittered on for a while. Harry sat next to Hermione, who gave him a summary, as she always did, every thirty seconds or so.
"So, basically, the Ministry wants control over Hogwarts." Ron said, when the food appeared and they could talk a bit louder.
"N- Yes, actually!" Hermione tried to hide her surprise. "That's exactly what she's saying."
"You're getting smarter." Harry said in jest, and Ron punched him on the arm.
When McGonagall passed them their timetables the next morning, Harry whooped loudly.
"We still have DADA and Potions with Draco and Daph!" He waved his timetable at Ginny excitedly.
"Alright, show off. I get Luna in every class pretty much."
"Ouch!" Harry held a hand to his heart, looking offended.
Double divination first thing on a Monday was a treat rather than torture this year. Harry had decided he quite liked Trelawney, and since his and Ron's predictions often had a ring of truth to them, Trelawney loved them all the more.
"It appears, dear, you were correct indeed when you had that dream about the pink frog." Trelawney said, looking pleased. "And in fact, I saw her arguing with Minerva just this morning!"
"Which backs up the cat theory." Harry added. "A few weeks ago I dreamt that the pink frog was being chased by a giant horse."
"Interesting. Now, Ronald dear, we're starting with crystal ball revision this year, could you please tell us what you see?"
Ron gulped nervously and looked into the crystal ball. Lavender and Parvati watched intently.
"Erm, there appears to be some sort of winged horse?"
"Thestral, maybe? They're an omen of death." Harry said helpfully.
"Yeah, maybe! Oh, and I can see a giant troll."
"A troll?"
"I think so! Wait, no, it's just Sirius."
Harry cackled. "I am SO telling him you said that. What's he doing?"
"Running shirtless down some random corridor."
"Again? Honestly, that man is out of control."
Later that day, Ron confessed he did actually see what looked to be a giant troll as well as Sirius whilst he, Harry and Hermione went to visit Hagrid, who had vanished of the face of the earth. McGonagall, who told Harry pretty much whatever he wanted to know, admitted he was on a mission for Dumbledore, but she hadn't been told where. Her guess would be something to do with giants.
Straight after Divination was their first DADA session.
Umbridge laid down the law as soon as they entered the room.
"There will be no wands or magic inside of this room." She said. Hermione's hand shot up into the air.
"Yes, Miss?"
"Hermione Granger, Ma'am. Aren't we going to need to practice defending ourselves?" Umbridge simpered slightly, and Harry scowled.
"Not in this school, no. There is nothing to defend yourselves from so there is not need to practice. The theory will be enough."
Hermione bristled, Harry grinned. What happened next was quite possibly the greatest showdown of his life.
"So, theory will get us a pass in our practical despite never practicing the spells required?" Hermione raised a brow.
"Yes."
"But surely it's important we learn how to protect ourselves!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Dear girl, there is nothing to protect yourself from!" Umbridge said, smiling despite her narrowed eyes.
"Except maybe Voldemort." Hermione retorted, adding "Ma'am" as an afterthought. Harry resisted the urge to whoop loudly and high five her. It was quite possibly the trickiest thing he'd ever done.
"Detention." Umbridge said coldly. "He-who-must-not-be-named is dead, as you all very well know. Anything else you are told, is a lie."
"But Harry-"
"Hand up." Umbridge ordered coldly. Dean's hand shot up in the air. "Yes, Mr?"
"Dean Thomas. Last year, Harry told us all he was back. He was under the influence of Veritaserum, so it has to be true! The prophet is lying, you can't trust-"
"Mr Thomas, the Daily Prophet is a Ministry-approved newspaper. Do you really think it would lie?"
"Yes." Practically the whole room chorused.
"Well, I don't hear Mr Potter speaking up about You-know-who's return. Perhaps he's decided it's time to end the lie. Mr Potter, did you or did you not see Voldemort return in June?"
"Honestly Ma'am, I don't really remember." Harry said mildly, playing with his sleeve in such a way that revealed the massive gash on his arm that was still badly scarred. But he couldn't get penalized for it. "It was a while ago."
"Nonsense, Mr Potter, you either saw him or you didn't." Umbridge clenched her fists. Harry smirked.
"Oh, in that case, I didn't see you-know-who."
"So, you're finally telling the truth?" Umbridge's smile grew wide with satisfaction.
"I didn't see you-know-who, because you-know-who doesn't exist." Harry said slowly, looking Umbridge directly in the eye. "The person I saw was called Voldypants."
"Enough! Detention for a week!"
"Fine. You can't have me Fridays though, I'm going to have detention with Snape that day." Harry informed her, looking unbothered.
"But we haven't even had potions yet!" Seamus exclaimed.
"Yeah, but I always get detention in Potions, so I know to keep my Friday's clear."
"Fine, detention for two weeks bar Fridays then. Now, please open your theory books and read chapter one." Harry was surprised at how easily she let him have the Fridays free, but he wasn't complaining. Besides, Snape would definitely give him Friday detentions, it was a given.
His detentions started that same evening. Apparently, Umbridge was still at war with McGonagall, because Harry never get sent to find her. It was a shame, really. He might've gotten one of her famous shortbread biscuits.
"Come on in, Mr Potter." Harry entered the office, retching at the sight of all the pink. He did giggle at the cat plates that adorned the walls, however.
"Ironic." He said. Umbridge narrowed her eyes, but her smile grew wider.
"Sit down, Mr Potter you'll be writing lines for me today."
"Fun." Harry deadpanned, pulling out a muggle pen.
"No, you'll be using a quill. And a rather special one of mine." She said, sickly sweet.
"Oh, is it legal?" Harry said, just as sweetly. She didn't respond, instead handing him a black feather quill. Harry asked for ink.
"You won't need any ink."
"Fine, be all mysterious about it then, see if I care. What am I writing?"
"I must not tell lies."
"Okay."
Umbridge must not tell lies. Umbridge must not tell lies. Umbridge must- Harry studied the back of his hand. Interesting, the quill seemed to be using his blood as ink. Oh well, it didn't hurt as much as the cruciatus, he would live. He didn't really want another scar though. Well, a cool or funny one would be alright.
Luckily for him, Remus had taught him wandless and wordless glamours over the summer.
Umbridge grinned, satisfied by his blood-stained hand and the clear message written across it.
"I must not tell lies. Not as deep as I would like, but no matter, I'm sure it will sink in more tomorrow."
Harry nodded, and skipped out of the office.
"She did WHAT!" Hermione cried in outrage, studying the back of his hand carefully. "That has to be illegal."
"She works for the minister Hermione, we can't do anything about it." Ron said, eyeing Harry's hand darkly.
Hermione, Draco and Susan shared a knowing look.
"I forgot you're all ministry nerds." Daphne said, entering the room with her sister and instantly glaring at Harry's hand. "She got you too then."
"Yeah, why? Who do you know that she got?"
"Me." Astoria held out her hand, and Harry could clearly make out the phrase I must not answer back to my teachers.
"Eek."
Hermione frowned. "My detention is tomorrow."
Harry looked over at Luna, who was smiling serenely.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked her. She nodded.
"Most likely."
Harry grinned. "Good. By the way Hermione, my hand is fine. It's just a glamour." He shook his hand, and the glamour fell. On his hand were two words, barely visible they were so finely cut.
Umbridge stinks.
~
Harry was determined to enjoy himself this year. In Potions he'd started refining his decorating skills now that he mastered the actual baking. Sprout's birthday cake this year was going to be a spectacular, five layer cake. He had it all planned out - Snape wasn't impressed when Harry showed him, and told him to make it in his own time. Harry ignored him, and started making practice cakes every potions lesson. It meant he had detention almost every night, but oh well. At least it meant he did the actual learning too!
"Potter!" Angelina pushed her way through the throng of students, glaring harshly at him. "Quidditch try-outs are on Friday."
"Yeah, and?"
"You got yourself landed in detention. With Snape. Again."
"Oh. Oopsie. Don't worry, I'll sort it. OI SNAPE!"
The hall went silent. Snape looked up. Umbridge was nowhere in sight. Good.
"I can't do detention tomorrow, I've got quidditch. Does next Tuesday work for you?"
"No! You will come tomorrow, as planned. It's your own fault for being an insolent little-"
Umbridge entered the hall, red with rage, dragging the twins behind her. They were grinning heartily and waving at Dumbledore.
"Hem hem, I think we need a staff meeting, headmaster." Umbridge said sweetly, and Harry resisted the urge to gag.
"How about tomorrow?" Harry suggested innocently.
"Alright then." Dumbledore said, amused. "Severus, if you could move your detention with Harry to Saturday, just this once, that would be wonderful."
Harry grinned widely.
"Fine." Snape bit out. Ron laughed. Angelina smiled, satisfied, and the day went on.
Quidditch try-outs were fairly successful. Ron, after spending a year practicing with Harry and Draco, made the team as keeper a year earlier than he was planning. He was smiling proudly for the next week. Ginny innocently told Harry she was waiting for him to be dethroned so she could replace him as seeker when he asked her why she didn't try out.
Harry didn't take her seriously, but he did wonder. Ginny did, after all, spend a lot of time with Luna.