Expelled? Hopefully!
"Good morning lovely rays of sunshine!" Harry sang as he entered the kitchen. Remus ignored him, Daphne glared at him, Draco turned the page of the daily prophet, Hermione rolled her eyes, Ron was too busy stuffing his face with food to acknowledge him and Ginny let her head fall to the table with a loud thwack. Neville sighed. Loudly. Luna wasn't there - she had gone to see her dad the night before and wasn't due back until lunchtime.
"Nice lot of people you are." Harry said sulkily.
"Morning everyone!" Astoria said cheerfully, entering the kitchen.
"See?" Harry exclaimed, standing up. "Astoria has manners! Anyway, I'll forgive you, it is 7:30 am in the summer after all. The twins are still in bed. Anything interesting in the paper today Draco?"
"Apparently you're a psychotic madman who made up Voldemort's return today." He deadpanned.
Harry sighed, disappointed. "Shame, yesterday I was the hero who saved us all and the day before I was a poor orphan driven mad by hallucinations."
"What's the bet tomorrow you're just an idiot who had a bad dream?" Ginny snarked, still annoyed that Harry woke her up by blowing a trumpet in her face and had the nerve to go back to sleep afterwards.
"Well, that stung."
"Yeah, so do my ears!"
"Now now, children." Remus said half-heartedly.
"Oh yeah! You should all know, I received an owl about fifteen minutes ago! They've changed the time of my hearing." Harry said ten minutes later, when Molly had dished up breakfast and Arthur had finally managed to drag the twins out of bed.
Remus looked up. "What? To when?"
"8 am, Department of Mysteries." Harry said nonchalantly.
"Harry, wh- That's in ten minutes!" Molly shrieked, taking Harry's plate back and pushing him out of the kitchen. "Go get ready, quickly!"
Harry sighed and trudged slowly down the corridor.
He took seven minutes to get ready, and Arthur decided it was the best course of action to apparate.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, just one more thing." Harry ran into the hallway, pulled the curtains back with flourish, and grinned at the furious portrait of Walburga Black.
"Wakey Wakey!" He yelled, before running for his life. Arthur grabbed him on his way past and apparated.
Harry was in for it later, but it was so worth it.
They arrived in the atrium, handed over their wands, and sprinted to the courtroom. Arthur wished him luck and hugged him briefly. Harry waltzed into the courtroom confidently, taking a seat in the prisoner's chair and waving at Fudge.
"Hi Minister! How's the wife?"
"Be quiet Mr Potter, this court is in session!"
"But you don't have the wig on!"
"Wig, what wi- nevermind. Let's begin, shall we?"
Harry swung his legs merrily. The chains on the chair were really quite loud, they should probably oil them or-
"Hem hem!" Harry abruptly stopped talking to himself, and looked up. An obnoxiously pink woman who looked a bit like a toad was coughing at him.
"Are you ill, ma'am?" Harry asked politely. He heard someone stifle a snort.
"No, boy. Simply trying to get your attention, as you weren't paying any. You are being accused of using casting a patronus cham in front of a muggle." The woman simpered.
"You what?" Harry said intelligently.
"A patronus charm was cast at your place of residence in surrey last week."
"Oh. How odd, I wasn't even there." Harry said bluntly, blinking at the pink woman. "Wait, I've seen you before!"
"I highly doubt that!" She said. Wow, her voice was really irritating.
Harry snapped his fingers. "Got it! I've seen you in my dreams! Funny, you're usually green in those as well as pink."
"Enough, Mr Potter! We are discussing the matter at hand!"
"I don't really feel like it, sorry. Besides, I wasn't even there!"
"Were too!"
"Was not!"
"Were too!"
"Was not!"
"Were too!"
"Was-"
"Enough!" Madam Bones exclaimed. "This is ridiculous. Harry, your cousin almost received the dementor's kiss last week. Luckily, someone stepped in and cast a patronus to save his soul. If I give you your wand, will you please cast a patronus so we can see its form and end this madness?"
"So you can compare it to the one spotted in Privet Drive? I guess so!" Harry shrugged, and took his wand from Tonks, who was desperately trying not to laugh.
"Expecto patronum!"
"A sta- an ostrich?"
"Apparently I bury my head in the sand when things get tough or something. Just kidding, it's actually a stag." Harry waved his wand again and the glamour fell, revealing his stag patronus.
"There, he's clearly guilty. The muggle boy saw a stag. Confess, boy!"
"If I do, will you expel me?" Harry asked hopefully.
"... yes. Obviously."
"Then ye- OH NO! Go away please Professor Dumbledore, I'm trying to get expelled here!"
Harry folded his arms and sulked whilst Dumbledore and Fudge had a head-to-head word war.
"You know, this would make a really good tv show." Harry said to one of the burly aurors flanking him, who sneered.
"Okay, be unfriendly then, see if I care. I wish Colin was here right now. Hey, Kreacher?"
"Master Harry Potter, what can Kreacher be doing for you today?"
"Firstly, just Harry is fine. Secondly, could you pretty please kidnap Colin and his camera for a few minutes?"
"Yes Sir."
"Potter, that's not really the done thing-"
"There isn't a law against it though, I checked!"
"Because it's so crazy no one has ever even thought about it!"
"Well, now they have, you can make a law. Hi Colin! Aim at Dumbledore and Fudge, it is going down! Here, use this to get closer!" Harry handed him the invisibility cloak (which no one had thought to search him for, very safe) and watched with delight as Dumbledore pulled Mrs Figg out of thin air.
"Arabella!" Harry said cheerfully. "How're the kneazles?"
"Very well thank you dear." Harry nodded, smiling brightly at the pink woman, who looked like she wanted to murder him.
"I feel like this isn't the end of her." Harry murmured to himself.
"Cleared of all charges!" Fudge cried out, banging a gavel.
"What? No, you can't do that! Me and Sirius were going to go to Los Angeles and pretend to be TV stars! We had fake names planned out and everything! I would be Daniel Radcliffe cause I'm so rad, and Sirius was going to be Gary Oldman cause he's old! You've just ruined my life." Harry said, looking very serious. "Sirus-ly (Haha, get it Madam Bones? Sirius, Serious? Not funny? Oh okay), this isn't cool Fudge, you were supposed to expel me."
"Too bad, Potter." Fudge looked much happier now that Harry was clearly disappointed. "Dismissed."
Before Harry headed home, he told Arthur he wanted to meet Susan for lunch and spend the afternoon with her Diagon Alley. He asked awkwardly enough for Arthur to ruffle his hair with a knowing smile and wish him luck.
"I'm free!" Harry whispered to thin air. "Let's go."
~~~
Harry returned to Grimmauld place, looking gloomy.
"You got expelled?" Hermione said, looking worried.
"No." Harry said sadly. "I have to tell Sirius that our Los Angeles plans are cancelled."
"Great fake name choices by the way." Tonks said, plonking herself down next to him at the dining table. "Who would everyone else be?"
"Oooo, that's fun!" Harry said. "I'll go first. Ron would be Rupert Grint, because he grins a lot."
"My turn!" Tonks said. "Ginny would be.... Bonnie Wright. Because she thinks she's right all the time."
"Hey! Fine, you'd be.... Natalia Gastiain Tena. Because you hate long names."
"And you're a ten!" Harry added, helpfully for Tonks, unhelpfully for Ginny.
"Draco would be Tom Felton." Hermione said. "Because when Harry steals his hair products they basically re-enact Tom and Jerry."
"Who's Tom and Jerry?"
"Ugh, Wizards." Harry said with an eye roll. "Fancy not knowing Tom and Jerry. Hermione would be Emma Watson, because she always knows what's what."
"Luna would be -"
"Evanna Lynch." Luna said firmly.
"But there's no explana- actually, that suits you perfectly!" Ron said in surprise.
"Neville would be Matthew Lewis, because Matthew sounds like a sneeze and he sneezes a lot."
"That's a bit of a stretch." Neville argued, then sneezed loudly.
"What about Daphne and Astoria?" Draco asked.
"Yeah, what about me?" The two girls said simultaneously. Harry did a double take, the two were so alike, and looked incredibly similar.
"If Astoria wasn't so short, I'd get you mixed up all the time." Harry said, earning himself two glares. "Anyways, I honestly don't know who you two would be, sorry."
"That's not fair!" Daphne exclaimed, looking outraged. "You did everyone else!"
"Astoria looks like a Jade, because her eyes are a dark green and she lowkey gives Jade West energy."
"Harry, shhhh, that show hasn't come out yet." Luna whispered.
"Whoopsie!"
"And me?" Daphne asked, looking ready to commit murder.
"Molly said can one of you please lay the table? Dinner's ready." Remus said, entering the dining room.
"Sure thing, David!" Harry responded brightly.
"Even Remus gets one! I am so going to kill you Potter."
"What? It isn't my fault he looks like a David!"
Daphne huffed.
Dinner was a sombre affair. The Weasley twins, who understood Harry's disappointment about once again being tied to schooling, used magic (because they were of age! Woohoo!) to drape black fabric over the ceiling, light candles and Harry persuaded Kreacher to play sad music on a piano the twins levitated into the kitchen.
"What's this, a funeral?" Kingsley Shacklebolt said mildly as he and Tonks entered the kitchen.
"Pretty much." Harry replied. "All my dreams got decapitated by Fudge."
"Harry James Potter, you should be thanking your lucky stars you can still attend school young man!" Molly scolded.
"Thanking my lucky stars? I didn't do anything wrong in the first place!" Harry argued.
"Except in the actual hearing." Tonks said unhelpfully. "Did I hallucinate or did you summon a student with a camera?"
Harry went pale.
"Kreacher..." He said slowly. The elf understood and vanished.
"Harry Potter, what did you do?" Hermione said darkly.
Harry gulped "Errr." But he was saved by the sound of Kreacher popping back, a slightly dishevelled Colin with him, who tossed Harry his invisibility cloak.
"You forgot me." He said mournfully.
"I am SO sorry, Colin." Harry said, hugging the younger boy. "Tell you what, take 300 people points."
"FAVOURITISM!" Ginny yelled angrily, punching the table.
"Thanks, Harry. Can I go home now?"
"Of course, bye Hugh!"
Daphne stormed out of the room. Neville sneezed. Ron grinned.
"You're all SO predictable." Harry said, rolling his eyes.
Molly rounded on him before Neville and Ron could start arguing with him.
"Harry, what does Colin mean by "You forgot me"?" She asked, eyes dangerously narrowed.
"Um."
"Tonks? Care to explain?"
"Errrrrr, Bye!" She disappeared with a crack. Kingsley, however, was a let down.
"I'm assuming Colin was left in the ministry stranded all day."
"All day? Harry, explain yourself!" Molly demanded.
"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed. "I met up with Susan and Colin tagged a long, we wanted to explore the wizarding world a bit. Then when I took Susan back to her aunt, I must've left Colin there too. Oh by the way, Susan's coming to stay tomorrow, we have a group project to work on."
"Is that so, dear boy? I wasn't aware of any group projects for our fifth years." Dumbledore said, entering the room. Harry scowled. The man was supposed to be ignoring him this year, Luna said so!
"The plot changed." Luna whispered to him. Harry sighed heavily.
"Oh, it's not for school, we want to learn more about ministry laws so I can get myself expelled again." Harry was glad Draco and Daphne taught them all Legilimency over the summer.
"Oh, please do." Snape said monotonously.
"Why are you here, sir? No one invited you." Ginny asked rudely.
"Potter did, actually."
"I thought Draco would want to see his Godfather!" Harry said instantly, holding his hands up in surrender when Ginny turned to him. "Goodness me, is it pick on Harry day or something?"
"Oooh, we should do a pick on Harry day every month." Neville sneezed.
"Yes please." Daphne agreed, re-entering the room and sitting down next to Draco.
"You've all been demoted." Harry said flatly. "Luna is my only favourite now. And Fred, George and Susan. The rest of you suck."
"As if." Hermione said snippily. "You love everyone equally."
"Because you're all so annoyingly loveable!" Harry said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "It's impossible to be mad at you for more than 20 minutes!"
"Oh, the horror." Snape and Remus said sarcastically, at the exact same time, with the same facial expression.
"I know right?" Harry said. He didn't really pick up on sarcasm much. Or pretended not to, no one could tell.
Harry inwardly grinned to himself. Oh, if only the adults all knew! His friends were going freak out when Susan arrived.