The Marauders were all sitting on the floor of their shared room (They had moved their beds into the same room during their first year and nothing had changed since) unbraiding Remus’ hair. Last night there had been a full moon, and they had decided to braid his fur. When they had just finished, they sent Peter to get a comb.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. James got up to open it, and beat whoever was behind it to the metaphorical punch.
“Hello we’ve been meaning to speak with you about your brooms extended warranty- Oh hey Regulus.” He greeted
“Hello, James. I see all of you are here- where’s Peter?” After he was given the position of a prefect, Sirius’ little brother had taken on a more formal tone.
“Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?” Remus called from the floor.
“I may allow you to date my brother, but-”
“You don’t allow jack shit but go off.” Sirius interrupted.
“But, I won’t stand for this kind of disrespect.”
“Now personally Regulus isn’t gonna take that kind of disrespect.” James joked. “But anyways, why are you here?”
“Sorry to interrupt your gay orgy, but I have to spread the word about D.A.R.E. essays.”
“What the fuck are dare essays?” Remus asked, still on the floor.
“Dare is Drug Abuse Resistance Education. You have the option of writing an essay based on drug prevention, and everyone has the week off to complete it. Trust me, if it wasn’t necessary to tell everyone, you wouldn’t have known. You all seem like the sort that would use drugs rather than be against them.”
“Now you listen here Regulus. I hate writing, but after that comment, you can bet your ass that I’m gonna make the best dare essay you’ve ever read!”
The door was then slammed in Regulus’ face, but he could still hear his idiotic brother singing the pokemon theme song.
“LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS, CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST, TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAUSE!”
The annoying (Regulus’ words not mine) lyrics got stuck in his head as he traveled from dorm to dorm, but he still doubted severely that anything would come of James’ promise. He surely didn’t have the dedication.
—------------------------------------------------
Five hours later, they were all still laying on the ground, and Peter had finally come back with the comb. They had a complete 15 page essay on how drugs were bad, what certain drugs could do to you, and the general effects of drugs.
“Shouldn’t we practice presenting our essay before we do it in front of the school?” Asked Peter, who wasn’t actually there when they were debriefed on the situation but still somehow knew more on it then the rest of them combined.
“You’ve got a point. But how would we even present it?” Sirius asked.
“We could do a song?” James suggested.
“Cringy, but it would work. Who would sing?” The question came from Remus this time.
“Me, obviously.” James flipped his hair. It was actually kinda sad to see, because he does not have long hair.
“Sure, what are you gonna do, rap?” Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Yes. Peter, hit it!” James yelled, standing up.
Peter failed his password four times before being able to turn on some generic rap music. It was sub-par, but James took his chance regardless.
“Accio hairbrush! Drugs aren’t cool, and certainly not in school, ok? We got depressants, stimulants, and hallucinogens. Now all these are gonna do is make you lose your friends. They’re addicting, and not like love or your partner’s kiss. And sure they might leave you in bliss for a while, but that ain’t gonna last and soon it’s gonna be hard to smile because the cost of drugs is your happiness, and that’s just vile. See I ain’t just rappin I’m snapping and clapping your mom’s cheeks and I’m sure that’s not a mental image that you’re wanting but drugs won’t stop it from haunting your mind at night, or not for long. So stay away from your nicotine, opium, and methamphetamines. All those things are just gonna cause the overdose scenes that you see in movies.”
James put his heart into it too. He danced, did hand gestures, and even flipped the hairbrush in the air. It was impressive in the way that you’re impressed when a bug you’re trying to squash just won’t die and at that point you just feel bad but still mildly impressed at how a bug can have more will to live than you.
“Wow, that was actually horrible.” Remus commented.
“Yeah no I’m gonna have to agree with that. We will never win with that. Snape might even actually have a good reason to insult us.” Sirius added, eliciting a horrified gasp from James.
“You’re right, that would be horrible. Maybe we should just do it informationally?”
“How would we do that?” Peter asked, finally stopping the horrible rapping music.
“I have an idea.” Remus said.
—-----------------------------
A few days after the D.A.R.E. essays were announced, an innocent first year wandered into the last bathroom stall in the abandoned bathrooms. He was searching for a cigarette. With everyone talking about drugs, he just wanted to try it. See what it was like.
As soon as he walked in, he began looking around for it. He had prepaid the dealers. They were called ‘The Marauders’.
When the first year finally turned towards the toilet and trash can to look, he muttered, “What’s a guy gotta do to get a cigarette around here?”
Suddenly, the toilet and the trash can turned around, revealing that neither of them were actually a toilet or a trash can. Instead, they had been hollowed out. Inside was Remus and Sirius.
“What has a guy gotta do to get a cigarette around here? Do you mean, what’s a guy gotta do to lose his lungs around here?!” Remus yelled, standing up.
“Yeah pal! What were you thinking?! Are you hooked on nicotine?! Do you want to die young?!” Sirius backed him up.
“Look guys, I don’t want any trouble here-” The first year tried to leave, but all he did was walk backwards into James, who had somehow duct taped the door closed.
“Do you even know the destruction that nicotine can have on you and your health?!” Remus seethed.
In a moment of desperation, the first-year looked back towards the gap underneath the wall separating the stalls, but that too was blocked. Peter had stuffed himself into the hole, baring his teeth at the poor kid.
“What’s the best part of your day kid?! What brings you the most joy?!” Sirius asked.
“My- I- Talking with my friends at lunch!”
“Why’s that your favorite?!” He was grilling the poor kid in his trash can costume. He looked like some kind of Oscar the Grouch costume gone horribly wrong.
“Because Claire is there, and I love her, but I don’t know how to tell her. Just being in her presence makes me happier!”
For a moment, all was silent.
“I didn’t want your weird teenage romance but ok, I guess.” Remus seemed kind of dumbfounded, before eventually resuming pace. “What if I told you that one day, not even Claire would make you feel a bit of happiness?!”
“That’s what drugs do to you! They come into your life, and you think that they’re always going to be there making you happy! You think that they’re always going to be there for you! But then you run out of money, and then they leave! And they take your happiness with them!” Sirius yelled, slowly devolving into sobs.
“I know, buddy. I know.” Remus said, patting his shoulder. “It’s alright.”
Sirius seemed to be genuinely bawling, but suddenly he just stopped, looking up and deadpanning, “That is how they will leave you. Sad and alone. Without love, friends, or Claire.”
The first year finally broke out into horrified sobs.
“I’m sorry! I’ll never touch a cigarette! I’m sorry!”
“Good. Now go back to your dorm, tell Claire how you feel, and live a drug-free life.” James said. The first year still hesitated. “Go!”
That seemed to shock him out of his stupor enough to scramble away, running through the somehow now free door.
The Marauders all shared a look before Remus finally said, “Yeah I think that strategy will work well enough.”
—------------------------------
Together, presenting the D.A.R.E. essay, they won the competition, which meant that all four got another week off of school.
Regulus spent that week in the infirmary, as he had tripped down the stairs when told that his older brother’s lame friends actually won.
Sirius still laughs about it to this day.