Chapter 11
Sirius POV:
It had been a week since he had arrived at James’ house. He had been adjusting fairly well, if he had any say, but for some reason nothing felt… right.
he didn’t deserve this, their kindness and warmth and forgiveness. The memories of James yelling at him, telling him he was just like them. The image of Remus’ eyes starring at him with pain and betrayal and anger was burned into his mind. It tormented him almost as much as his parents did. And yet here he was, sitting in The lap of Remus, the person he loved. the one he had hurt so, so much.
” Siri?” Remus’ voice broke through the fog of Sirius’ thoughts.
”mhm?”
”you ok love?”
” ‘m fine.”
”ok..”
That was the other thing. Remus had taken up the habit of calling Sirius ‘love’ in their 4th year. At the time it had made Sirius fall even harder in love with, but now it only served as a painful reminder of what they were before he had gone and fucked it all up.
he leaned his head back, resting it on Remus’ shoulder, and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and sighed. The pressure in his chest was suffocating.
Shit. This had been happening a lot lately. He’d had a panic attack like this almost every day since Peter had joined them at the potter’s. As breathing became increasingly more difficult he decided that someone needed to know. He opened his eyes slowly and fixed them on Remus’ hand which was holding a book. He focused all his will power into reaching his hand down and intertwining their fingers, causing Remus to put his book down on the couch next to them.
Remus said something to him but it didn’t register with his brain. he took a gasping breath, the panic attack hitting him at full force. He could barely register Remus shifting around so that Sirius’ forehead was resting on his chest. He closed his eyes tight tears spilling from the corners of his eyes. He could hear his mother’s voice in his ears. He could feel the pain of the curses she flung at him. And then the memories of that night came rushing back.
He felt the pain of his father’s steel toed boot shattering his ribs. The searing of the knife his father had grabbed as it dug into his skin and tore out chunks of his flesh. He had begged, begged, for his father to stop, to show him an ounce of mercy. But he didn’t. He hadn’t. And then she had joined them. His mother was a cruel woman, and as much as he hated to admit it he was so, so afraid of her. While his father preferred physical violence she had never once hesitated to pull out her wand and use dark magic to deal with her problems. The ringing in his ears drowned out the word coming from his mother’s mouth but a flash of red burst from the tip of her wand. The excruciating pain of the cruciatus curse spread throughout his body as he convulsed at his mother’s feet. The only thing he remembered after that was a singular thought: they’re going to kill me. I’ll never see Remus and tell him I’m sorry… I never even got to say goodbye.
he shuddered. Breathing became easier and his body relaxed, slumping forward into Remus’ embrace.
” I-I’m sorry” he whispered.
”shhhh. It’s ok pads. Shhh”
Sirius closed his eyes as Remus stroked his hair. It felt good. A thought that usually sat in the back corner of his mind suddenly surfaced. Should he… no. But what if he felt the same?… he wouldn’t. But… he could try.
” Moons?” His voice was shaky and hoarse from crying
”yeah? What do you need?”
”I… I love you” tears pricked at his eyes
”o-oh. You do?”
he felt hot tears land on his cheeks. “Sorry. I’m sorry i-I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable…”
”n-no. No. I’m not… you didn’t make me uncomfortable.”
sirius buried his head further into Remus’ chest heat creeping into his cheeks. “Sorry.”
” Don’t be. I- Sirius. I… I really don’t know. I’ve had feelings for you for an eternity, but I just… I’m not ready to be… together. I just think that- Sirius?” Remus gently tipped his head up swiping his thumb across his cheek to wipe away the tears that were still silently falling from his eyes. “Pads. I love you too, really I do, but I don’t think we should do anything right now. Think about it, you still aren’t healthy, and I… I’m not ready for something like that. Please don’t - SIRIUS!”
he ran from the room.
great going Sirius. You fucked up your friendship. Again.
and then he was falling.
down
And down
and down…