Custard Pie
“I’m going to be a grandpa again!” Kevin laughed while he poured another round of drinks for everyone. “Can you believe it?”
“I didn’t even know you had kids!” Frank cried.
Lip watched with mild amusement as Frank swiped two of the drinks while Kevin was distracted by explaining how Harry’s baby was somehow Kevin’s grandkid.
If it was, maybe Lip could ask Kevin to help come up with the rest of the money Lip owed Mandy…
Lip went straight from the Alibi to Harry’s place. Harry was four shots deep at the bar and planning on crashing with Kevin so he wouldn’t be home.
And if Mickey was staying at the Gallagher house, then clearly Mandy didn’t have anywhere else to be.
Lip tapped lightly on the backdoor at Harry’s place and stuck his hands in his pockets to keep warm while he waited. It didn’t take long and Lip got lucky when Mandy was the one to open the door.
“Harry isn’t here,” she snapped at Lip immediately.
Lip stuck his foot in the door to keep Mandy from slamming it shut.
“I’m here for you,” Lip said. He tilted his head for Mandy to join him outside. “Got a minute?”
Mandy looked suspicious as fuck, which was fair. Lip didn’t like her, she didn’t like him. As long as Mandy liked cash though, Lip could make it work so everyone was happy.
“What do you want?” Mandy asked. She stood just outside the door and crossed her arms while she glared Lip down.
Lip lit a cigarette to stall while he tried to think of the best way to go about buying someone’s fucking baby off them. There really wasn’t any way to be subtle.
“If it’s Harry’s, I’ll give you a thousand bucks to keep it.”
There might have been a better way to say it, but Lip didn’t feel like beating around the bush. Mandy looked shocked as fuck though, her mouth was open and her eyes had never bulged so much.
“Harry sent you here to buy the fucking baby from me?” Mandy finally asked.
“Nah, he’s ready to just let you abort it and hate you forever,” Lip said casually, trying to hurt Mandy like she was hurting Harry. “I’m here on my own and I’ll give you an extra five hundred to not say shit to him about it.”
Mandy grew up worse than Lip did. The Gallaghers might have been poor as shit, but they had each other and they took care of each other. Fiona kept the house running, the boys made cash and did repairs, it was a fragile system but they rarely went to bed hungry.
If there was anyone who could use fifteen hundred though, it was Mandy. Lip would go up to ten, but if Mandy was stupid enough to take a low ball then that was on her.
“You’re fucking serious?” Mandy asked. “You want to buy the baby for Harry?”
“He wants it, he’s too nice to offer cash,” Lip shrugged.
Harry was too noble to just straight up pay Mandy off. Harry was also too noble to knock his uncle out when he’d been beating his ass too.
Lip wasn’t that noble. And neither was Mandy.
Neither of them grew up in a neighborhood that gave a damn about being noble or polite. It was scam or be scammed, stab or be stabbed, steal or be stolen from. There wasn’t room for nice bullshit when everyone was just trying to survive.
Mandy looked torn.
“Two grand,” Lip said.
“I’m going to get fucking huge,” Mandy said. She looked at Lip through her lashes. “Ten.”
“Four.”
“Ninety five.”
“Five, final offer.”
“Eight or I tell Harry.”
Lip kept his face blank and impassive even if Mandy clearly knew she hit a chord.
“Seventy five and you sign over your rights as soon as it’s born,” Lip said. He held a hand out to her. “Deal?”
“Have fun playing step-daddy, Lip,” Mandy said as she shook his hand quickly.
Lip didn’t plan to play step-dad to any little ripped condom kid, but he figured that Harry would be over the fucking moon to be saddled down at fifteen.
It was starting to give Lip a fucking complex though how everyone thought he was gay for Harry. It was even beginning to leak in Lip’s thoughts when he wasn’t around Harry.
Lip really needed to get laid and fix the mix-up with his dick.
Lip grinned and held his drink up while Kevin made everyone toast to Harry.
It was supposed to be a baby shower, which was the lamest fucking party the Alibi had ever had, and then it just turned into every dude in the bar telling Harry about their kids.
“You better hope it’s a girl,” Kermit was telling Harry at the counter. “They’re a lot more forgiving than boys. My son still doesn’t talk to me, but Ashley shows up every Christmas.”
“That’s because you give her cash,” Big Mike snorted. He slapped Harry on the back hard enough to nearly knock Harry off the stool. “If you have a girl then you gotta worry about her being a whore, a boy though? Buy ‘em some condoms and you’re good.”
“Not like condoms helped Harry though, huh?” Kermit chuckled.
Lip hung back while the barflies talked Harry’s fucking ear off. It wasn’t until Frank started talking about how hard it was to raise kids as a single parent that Lip had to step in.
“How the fuck would you know?” Lip asked, squeezing between Harry’s barstool and Mike’s so he could lean past Mike to give Frank an unimpressed look. “When did you raise any kids?”
“You wouldn’t understand,” Frank said, flapping his hand around drunkenly. “You think it’s sooo easy letting Fiona do all the day-to-day shit while I take care of the big stuff?”
“What kind of big stuff?” Kevin asked with a grin.
“Like- like… all sorts of things!” Frank cried. “It’s none of your damn business!”
Lip looked over at Harry and they both bit back grins as Frank went off on a rant about how the world was against single fathers.
“Wait! There’s no baby tables in blokes’ bathrooms?” Harry asked abruptly, interrupting Frank’s rant. “Where do I change the baby??”
“On the floor?” Kevin shrugged.
“You can’t lay a baby on the filthy ass floors,” Mike said. “Just go in the ladies room and change it, maybe you’ll find a stepmom while you’re in there.”
“Oh, yeah, women love a man who’s hanging around the bathroom,” Kermit said.
Harry started to look panicked while Mike and Kermit began their usual bullshit bickering.
“Let me see your phone,” Lip told Harry.
Harry didn’t even hesitate - he would be real fucking easy to rip off, he was too trusting - and Lip shoved him on his stool so he would scoot his ass over.
“Look.” Lip had pulled up the internet browser and did a quick search for portable changing tables. There weren’t any good ones, but there were some cool diaper bags that pulled apart to become a changing table.
“Fifty bucks and you can change the kid anywhere you want,” Lip said as he showed Harry what he found. “I bet they’ve got shit like this at Baby’s R Us.”
“Babies R Us closed,” Kevin cut in. He topped Harry’s drink off and got Lip a fresh beer. “There’s some yuppie ass place downtown that V took Ethel to though. I bet they’d have some weird ass shit for babies.”
Harry didn’t look very heartened by Kevin’s information. He scrolled on his phone while he had his lower lip bit between his teeth.
“D’you think kids need a mum?” Harry finally asked, looking up at Kevin. “Isn’t one parent better than none?”
“Oh for sure,” Kevin assured him quickly. “This one foster home I was in was just one lady and it was great. I mean, she was kind of a fucking weirdo, she made me wash her wigs, but it was better than the one before where they thought foster kids were state-supplied slaves.”
“My mother raised me all on her own and I turned out great!” Frank slurred from his seat. “And my kids don’t have a mom ever since Monica fuckin’ ran off and look at them!”
Harry slyly looked at Lip from the corner of his eyes and Lip raised an eyebrow at him.
“No parents would be better than Frank,” Lip said drily, causing Harry to grin.
“That’s a low bar to meet, mate,” Harry said. “So you… you don’t think it’s a mistake?”
Lip thought it was fucking expensive mistake to make but not a mistake to keep. Lip would have paid double what he offered Mandy if it was his kid.
“Nah,” Lip told him. “Mom’s are overrated anyway. You’ll do great. Just send it to Fiona or something if it’s a girl so she can do the whole period talk.”
Harry blinked at Lip and then scrunched his face up.
“That’s disgusting.”
Lip sighed and then lit a cigarette.
Harry didn’t need to be so gay all the time. Which actually reminded Lip…
“Hey, your friend, Hermione?” Lip looked at Harry and smirked. “She single?”
Hermione was hot. Like, super fucking hot. And she had the whole polished princess look that made Lip think she was probably a freak in the sheets, the quiet ones always were. And her tits… fuck, Lip knew he wasn’t actually a queer because he’d been more interested in checking out Hermione’s chest and ass than listening to her high-as-a-kite-ramble about cancer the day before.
Harry stiffened beside Lip and thrummed his fingers on the counter.
“Er… I dunno…” Harry said slowly. “She’s my friend though and I don’t think she’s just an easy shag, you know?”
“Dude,” Lip took a drink of his beer between hits of his cigarette, “most chicks are easy shags.”
“Not Hermione,” Harry said firmly. Suddenly Harry grinned and ducked his head, quickly taking a long drink to hide a laugh. “Actually,” Harry looked over at Lip and gave him a smile, “I reckon you should try. She’s at my place now with Mandy.”
“Yeah?” Lip felt like Harry was challenging him somehow. Harry looked too amused to be genuine in his offer, but Lip didn’t usually struggle to find chicks for a night or two.
“Absolutely,” Harry said seriously with a glimmer of laughter in his green eyes. “Honestly, give it a go.”
Lip might have backed down from what was either a challenge or a trap, but at the point where he caught himself thinking about Harry’s eyes sparkling he knew it was time to find a chick to straighten his dick out.
“Fine.” Lip slammed down the rest of his beer and then tipped an imaginary hat to Harry. “Ten bucks says I fuck her.”
“Twenty says you don’t,” Harry countered without hesitation. “Good luck.”
Lip didn’t need luck, he could be a smooth mother fucker when he needed to be.
Lip took a breath and ran his hand through his hair to smooth it back while he pasted an easy smile on his face. When Lip knocked lightly on the front door he traded his smile for an annoyed look when Harry’s stalker-ex-boyfriend was the one to answer.
“Harry’s not here,” Fred said, looking just as unimpressed as Lip was.
“Are you like his butler or something?” Lip asked. “Answer the door, pass along his messages, shine his fucking shoes?”
“Yeah, mate, I also tattoo my name on his arm and try to kiss him,” Fred said evenly. He scrunched his nose and tapped his chin. “No, wait… that was you.”
Lip wasn’t going to bother explaining again that he had been drunk, he got enough shit from Ian about it.
“Nah, you’re the one who decided moving in with your ex was a brilliant fucking plan and still hasn’t realized that Harry isn’t going to get back with you.”
Fred’s face turned red enough that Lip could see it even with just the shitty porch lighting. Lip tucked the unlit cigarette in his hand behind his ear and waited to see if Fred was going to throw a punch.
He didn’t, to Lip’s disappointment.
“Harry likes people who are optimistic,” Fred said with a fake ass smile. “Just so you know.”
“Yeah? Cause the last two people Harry fucked weren’t exactly balls of happiness,” Lip drawled. “Then again, maybe he just thought you were ugly.”
Fred started to step out their door and Lip braced himself for a hit that didn’t come.
“Who are you talking to?” Fred was shoved aside and Lip saw Hermione poking her head through the door.
“Oh, hello,” Hermione said with a friendly smile. “Harry’s not home, I think your neighbor was taking him to get drunk.”
“You didn’t want to go?” Lip asked, resisting the urge to smirk when Fred huffed at him and walked off.
Hermione laughed lightly and shook her head as she stepped outside to join Lip. She really was fucking gorgeous with her light brown skin, big brown eyes, and neat black rows of hair. Even dressed in a pair of sweats and a baggy red sweater couldn’t hide the perfect body that Lip knew she had.
“Harry asked if I would go but I start my new school tomorrow,” Hermione explained. “I’d rather not do it with a hangover.”
“That’s smart,” Lip said. He backed up to sit on the ledge of the porch and figured he was about to make an easy twenty when Hermione took the swing.
“Which school are you going to?” Lip asked her curiously. Harry said that Hermione wasn’t staying with him permanently, only a couple of weeks while her parents got their affairs settled and could get a place.
Judging from the way that even Hermione’s sweats looked expensive, Lip doubted if they’d be buying any primo real estate in the Brick of the Yards.
“Oh it’s one further north,” Hermione said vaguely. “A private girl’s school.”
“Lubavitch?” Lip asked after thinking of all the private schools in the city.
“I’m not sure,” Hermione said. “Did you need Harry for something? He’s talked a lot about you in his letters, you know.”
“It’s all lies,” Lip said with a grin that Hermione returned.
“So you’re not his best friend?” Hermione asked teasingly. “And you didn’t take him to lose his virginity?”
“Hey, all guys have a constitutional right to get laid as long as their partner is willing,” Lip said with no small measure of innuendo in his tone.
Hermione blinked at Lip for a moment and he wondered if she’d ever been hit on before or not.
“Oh,” she breathed. “Ew.”
Lip’s ego was never going to recover.
Twenty minutes later and Lip was back at the Alibi to slap a ten in Harry’s hand. The party had died down and Lip took Kermit’s empty seat beside Harry.
“You could have told me she’s into chicks,” Lip said with a bite of accusation.
“I could have,” Harry laughed. He slid the ten across the bar and held up two fingers to Kevin. “But now I can buy you a drink and you can tell me how polite Hermione was.”
“She wasn’t polite at all,” Lip said. He didn’t smoke when he’d been trying to hit on her since Harry said she was a health nut or whatever so he snatched Harry’s pack and lit them both one.
“She said ‘ew’,” Lip told him. “Like my dick was the most disgusting thing she’d ever thought about.”
Harry’s dumb ass actually bent over at the waist and laughed like an idiot at Lip. Every time he began to calm down, he’d look at Lip and start laughing again.
Eventually Harry’s laughter became infectious and Lip laughed too.
“You’re a dick,” he told Harry.
“Maybe.” Harry swiped his thumbs under his eyes to catch the moisture that his laughing fit caused. “Hermione’s going to be so bloody mad, but that was worth it.”
Maybe for Harry. Harry wasn’t the one having a fucking full blown crisis over his confused dick.
*****
Remus had his hands in his pockets as he walked from the bus stop toward his house.
It had been something of a rough night the night before, made much worse by Remus’ concerns over what drastic chaos he would miss during his unavoidable leave. Every time Remus left, he tended to return to something positively unhinged.
There had been the time that Harry tried to cut his arm off and Sirius had him committed. Then the more time where Harry got shot, Sirius struck him, and Sirius left. Even the brief time Remus was stuck teaching twelve year olds English wasn’t sacred as Harry allowed his friend to tattoo his name on Harry’s arm.
Though Remus was touched by the moon addition to the heinous branding.
With the terrible way that Remus left things before he had to leave, Remus assumed it would be best to be prepared for anything.
The house was still standing when Remus made it home and it was suspiciously quiet inside. Remus checked Harry’s room and saw that Harry and us backpack were gone. Either Harry went to school, unlikely to have happened with nobody forcing him to go, or he was still at the neighbors house.
Actually, Remus spotted Hermione Granger’s suitcase tucked neatly between Harry’s dressers, perhaps someone did force him to go to school.
Mandy was also conspicuously absent, as was Fred.
All genuine reliefs to Remus as he wanted nothing more than a joint to ease the ache in his bones and a quiet cup of hot coffee.
Remus started with the coffee and he attempted to mentally plan his day while he sipped it. Taking Mandy to the clinic was top priority. God forbid that Remus waited too long and the girl couldn’t terminate the pregnancy. Remus hoped that Harry could see past his own pain and be there for Mandy.
Harry was a good person, Remus was certain that he would. It wasn’t difficult to see where Harry - who had likely always craved a family as Remus himself had - was coming from. It was just that keeping a baby at fifteen was a terrible idea and Remus was grateful beyond measure that Mandy wasn’t Catholic.
If Mandy insisted on keeping it, then Remus would support the young couple. But as Mandy seemed perfectly happy to abort, then Remus would pay for it himself. And Harry would… hopefully one day forgive Remus.
Remus sighed and refilled his coffee to take outside with him to smoke.
It had been heated on Friday when Remus and Harry got into it over the pregnancy. Remus’ emotions were always heightened near the full moon and he had been impatient and insulted by Harry and he allowed that to show.
It wasn’t Harry’s fault that he didn’t understand the science behind abortions. Harry had been terribly rude, but he was the child in pain and Remus was meant to be the adult. If Remus didn’t know that Nymphadora felt guilty for their abortion then Remus may not have been so hard on Harry, certainly he wouldn’t have yelled at him and caused him to flinch away.
Remus chuckled as he lit up. The moment of guilt that Remus felt for frightening Harry had only been tempered by his fondness of Hermione. As soon as Remus yelled at Harry, Hermione had stepped to the side to shield Harry and gave Remus a terrible stink eye. It was heartening to know that Harry had such loyal friends.
It would be much better if Harry could replace his missing family with his friends in his heart as Remus had always done. If Remus knew his condition couldn’t be passed on genetically and if he wasn’t quite allergic to commitments, perhaps he would have been just like Harry and jumped for joy when Nymphadora said she was pregnant.
Fortunately, Remus’ only off-spring was the teenage boy who resented him.
“You’re not a father, Remus. Not mine, not anyone’s. You’re not even a godfather.”
Harry certainly inherited Lily’s ability to make remarks that cut clear to the soul.
“You just can’t bear the thought of being left by anyone. Better to leave before they can actually hurt you, right? You’re not a player, you’re scared. It’s pathetic.”
Remus sat out front for quite some time, simply smoking and reminiscing on the situation. He and Harry weren’t so different, truly.
Harry was clinging as hard to his unborn child as Remus had to Mac, to the Marauders, to the Sabinis. Remus could empathize, even while he knew there was no compromise.
Mandy continued the pregnancy or she ended it. There was no in-between.
Remus was nearly finished with his joint when a police car pulled up out front and Remus groaned to himself. Any hopes he had that Hermione had forced Harry and Mandy to attend school were diminished when the officer that had interrogated Harry climbed out of the driver seat in full uniform.
“Morning,” Officer Markovich said with a friendly smile that didn’t fool Remus.
“How can I help you?” Remus asked coolly, not even bothering to hide his joint or get to his feet.
Bullies with badges didn’t get any innate respect from Remus. Remus himself had once hidden an entire criminal empire behind a badge at Hogwarts. All of Remus’ books, supplies, and clothes had been paid for with the gold he made by selling drugs to his classmates.
It was such good money too. Purebloods never understood how the coke Remus sold them had been cut so much it was nearly worthless. And when Remus had been at the school two years prior, it had been an absolute delight to see that his garden of some of the most beautiful marijuana was flourishing under someone’s tender care.
Remus began that garden in his own third year and he spread the growth as soon as he had a prefects badge to keep him from getting in trouble late at night when he needed to either check the plants or harvest them. When there had been the terrible scandal in sixth year over a group of Ravenclaws being caught with drugs, Remus had shaken his head as prefect and promised McGonagall that he would alert her if anyone in the Gryffindor dorms tried to follow their terrible example.
And then Remus began charging extra as a way to prioritize the risk he took.
Hence why Remus held no immediate respect for those that wore a badge.
Tony didn’t seem dissuaded by Remus’ cool tone. He maintained his charming smile as he walked up the porch steps and made himself comfortable leaning against the railing.
“You know one of my first runs was a shooting that happened in this house,” Tony told Remus. “I threw up and the guys still tease me about it.”
“Indeed?” Remus took another drag off the only effective pain reliever he found for post-transformation aches. “Did you attempt to blame a child for that as well?”
Tony frowned then and seemed content to pretend that Remus wasn’t flaunting his drugs in front of him.
“I was just trying to do my job,” Tony said with an earnest look in his clear blue eyes. “Harry was the best suspect we had.”
“As opposed to the many enemies I’m sure that a man such as Terry Milkovich had,” Remus suggested. “Exemplary detective work.”
“I’m not the one that lost the evidence and tanked our case,” Tony said with a light shrug. “Anyway, that’s not why I came by.”
Remus waited and watched curiously as the officer shifted uncomfortably across from him. When a light blush painted Tony’s fair cheeks and Remus heard his heart rate increase, Remus prayed that he wasn’t about to—
“Do you want to get dinner tomorrow?”
“No.”
Remus didn’t even need to think about it. As attractive a man as Tony was, his perpetual blush around Remus told Remus all he needed to know. Tony had never been with a man before, possibly never with a woman either. Remus has nothing against virgins, he rather liked being someone’s first time - that brilliant experience that could truly never be topped - but Tony was an easy read.
Remus didn’t do dinner and flowers, he did pleasurable evenings with no lingering commitment. Nymphadora was Remus’ longest standing ‘commitment’, but they both knew that it was only sex.
Tony didn’t seem to be a ‘sex only’ type of bloke.
“Oh. Shoot, I’m sorry,” Tony began rambling nervously. “Fiona said you were- you know… and I just thought… Wow.” Tony chuckled uncomfortably and rubbed his hands together. “I guess this is the second time I embarrass myself at this house, huh?”
Remus could make it more comfortable for him, he simply didn’t want to.
“I guess so,” Remus agreed. He tilted his head curiously. “Fiona told you that I’m gay?”
Not only would that be incorrect, as Remus tended to identify as pansexual, but it would also be rude.
Remus had shown Fiona multiple times that he was sexually attracted to her very feminine body.
“I- no, not exactly,” Tony stammered. “I asked her about you, just, you know, asking how it was having neighbors and I might have said something and She said I should ask you to dinner. I just- I guess I- maybe I misunderstood.”
Remus hummed.
Had Remus somehow offended Fiona for her to punish him in such a way?
“I see,” Remus said. He finished off his joint and put the end of it in the ashtray that nobody else used after standing up. Remus stretched and enjoyed the way that Tony’s eyes glanced down to where Remus’ waist was briefly exposed.
“For the record, I didn’t say no because you’re a man,” Remus told Tony. He looked him over slowly from his short blonde hair to his toned arms and trim waist before licking his lips and then smirking.
“I said no because I don’t do dinner,” Remus drawled. “If you decide that you’d like to skip to dessert, I’m available.”
With that, Remus turned and went inside while trying to recall how he most have offended Fiona. Surely it wasn’t when he encouraged Nymphadora to sleep with her… Remus doubted if Nymphadora could have been so terrible that Fiona would do something so positively despicable.
Though, Remus had a few more hours before Harry returned that he supposed he could use to get answers.
“Not a good time,” Fiona said immediately when Remus knocked on her door. Fiona looked harried and she kept the door partially closed with her body to prevent Remus from entering.
“That’s what I said when Officer Markovich just asked me to dinner,” Remus said pleasantly. He offered Fiona one of the bagels he purchased on his walk home that morning.
“He actually did it?” Fiona hissed, ignoring Remus’ offer. “Jesus Christ.”
Fiona looked amused for all of eight seconds before someone yelled somewhere behind her.
“Who’s that? Some other random person you’ve been fucking?!”
Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise when Fiona whipped her head around.
“Yeah, Steve, I’ve been fucking the whole neighborhood! Kevin’s next on my list.”
Remus’ too. Kevin Ball was a terribly attractive man, even more so when he decided to get in Remus’ face in a misguided attempt to protect Harry.
Fiona turned around to continue fighting with the boyfriend, Remus assumed, and so Remus let himself inside. The boyfriend stood just on the bottom step of the front staircase and had a handful of pink lace wadded up in his hand. Neither he nor Fiona seemed to notice Remus’ presence while they argued.
“Then where the fuck did these come from?!” The boyfriend held up the fabric and Remus recognized them suddenly.
There was no chance that Nymphadora forgot her thong in Fiona’s bed. Nymphadora must have been marking her territory.
It was adorable, Remus would have to remember to tease her later.
“Probably the same place your fake ID did!” Fiona shouted. “Who the fuck are you, really?”
“Who the fuck am I?” The boyfriend let out a hysterical laugh and took the final step off the stairs that had Remus automatically moving closer to him.
Remus was quite fond of Fiona, he would hardly stand by idly if a spurned lover tried to get physical.
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” the boyfriend screamed. He didn’t hit Fiona, but Remus already reached out when he went to throw Nymphadora’s thong at her.
Remus catching and pocketing the scrap of lace seemed to bring himself to the boyfriend’s attention.
“Are you fucking her too?” he demanded of Remus.
“Not at present, no,” Remus said. “You’ll notice that we’re both fully clothed and not making physical contact with each other.”
The boyfriend’s face turned a spectacular shade of red and Remus was prepared when he swung a tight fist. Remus caught it in his palm and then twisted his arm around, locking it behind his back.
“Time to go,” Remus said calmly. He held the (hopefully) ex-boyfriend’s arm behind his back and pushed him toward the door that Fiona helpfully opened.
The ex shouted a few crude comments about Fiona’s character and Remus wasn’t gentle as he shoved him hard enough to send him off the porch and to the ground.
“What was his name?” Remus asked Fiona after slamming the door shut and muffling the angry shouts.
Fiona didn’t seem much worse for the wear, though she did hold her hand out until Remus understood it to mean he needed to return the thong in his pocket.
“He said it’s Steve, but someone called this morning asking for Jimmy,” Fiona scoffed. She tucked the thing in her shirt and Remus realized it was possible to envy an insentient object.
“Ah.” Remus offered the bagel that was accepted that time. “And then he happened to find Nymphadora’s thong?”
“She prefers Tonks,” Fiona said cockily as she led Remus through the living room to the kitchen. “I guess we forgot it in the shower.”
Remus highly doubted that Nymphadora forgot it on accident.
“It’s too small to be mine, Debbie’s too young to own one, and neither of the boys bring any girls over,” Fiona continued. She lifted a pot of coffee from its base and held it up as an offer that Remus nodded to.
“Soo Steve, who may be named Jimmy, was angry that you entertained Nymphadora while he was away?” Remus clicked his tongue when Fiona passed him a mug over her kitchen counter. “I would have been angry too. Unless of course you had photographs, a video, or a promise for a repeat performance with a third part.”
Fiona laughed and hopped up on the counter to begin tearing off pieces of the bagel. She dunked a large chunk in her coffee and then popped it in her mouth with an impish grin.
“Tonks said you’d say something like that,” Fiona said after swallowing. “She also said to tell you that she’s going to apply for you to have a… floo? installed.”
Remus brightened at that. A floo would be an excellent addition to have. It would give Nymphadora consistent access to visit, Harry’s friends as well. And it was a rather quick escape if the situation ever warranted it.
“So…” Remus grinned and raised an eyebrow at Fiona. “I have two and a half hours before I need to take Miss Milkovich to the clinic. Care to regale me with your experience with a metamorphmagus?”
Fiona lost her smile and Remus began to feel mildly concerned when she fidgeted and looked away from him.
“Uh… Listen, maybe I’m wrong, but last I heard Mandy’s not getting an abortion,” Fiona said slowly. She held her hands up and shrugged. “V said that Kevin said that Mandy’s giving Harry the baby.”
Every single time that Remus left, something catastrophic happened.
Every. Single. Time.