Sirius’s Demise
Dear Minnie,
yeah, uh, hi, Sirius here. I kind of forgot to write your letter because of work overload (like, over- overload, it's -fuc- critical) but I still kind of got something together for you at the last minute. Anyway, I bet you also told -Snive- Snape to send you a letter a week so it doesn't really matter either way because I bet he'll spend hours on it just to -piss yo- annoy you. I only write because you still scare be, tbh.
So... I'm just completely fried here, because Sn-i-ape is still forcing me to work by kidnapping me from my bed at, like, two in the morning. Like, just yesterday he actually imperus'ed me to play nice for some supremely annoying ministry officials! Bet no one would dare put a Headmaster into Azkaban though, so instead of informing the Aurors I just kind of snuck an arrhythmic clock into his room (did you know he super sensitive to noise?) and he hasn't been sleeping since -, the as-.
Ok, wait, I'll start from the beginning.
So, Monday I kind of have classes for the whole day but the afterwards I usually hang around with Moony 'till I go down. But that day the Bat - Snape, if you didn't get it - told me to join him in the office, and not that I would ever let him boss me around, but I don't want him to completely mess up being Headmaster, ya know? I have to keep him in check somehow.
So, I joined him in our office and the -assh- man actually had the audacity to tell me to my face to 'stop acting so childish and do as is my duty by the magic and get to bloody work or I will end you and everyone you have ever held close'.
Like wtf, man? What's wrong with you? I asked that right back and his -ugl- face soured like the soulless person he is and then he started spitting some super stupid insults and like, calm your tits, dude. I didn't punch him, but only because the bags under his eyes seemed like more baggage than my childhood trauma and it wouldn't be a fair fight.
So then he totally didn't guilt-trip me (and threaten me, the maniac) into listening to the 'How To Be A Headmaster' lessons-thing the ministry had going on. And, honestly, what in the world are these things I have to pay attention to? You'd think I'm not Headmaster of a school but king of the world!
They told us (me) that we have to be constantly aware of international politics, always be ready to give input, be ready to act on dangers, seem confident at all times, never appear weak and act all-knowing? And then some more but I fell asleep after that.
The more I think about it the more I start to see Dumbledore as the best -fu- Headmaster ever, because that man? He was all-knowing to a T and probably the second coming of Merlin.
I was then brutally woken from my peaceful slumber by a stinging hex from the Bat, to which I sent a bat-bogey hex back just for the joke before Snape told me to get the fuck (his words) to my own room to sleep because it was merlindamn 11 pm. Those -idiots- goons had talked all the way until then, for real.
We both didn't go to the Feast and that was a mistake, because the ministry officials talked our ears off 'cause of it.
Tuesday I had classes till lunch and after that some bloody ministry officials came to me and almost dragged me to the office to lecture me on duties, gave me a ton of paperwork to read and sign and then left. They also told me to begin organizing the next Hogsmeade weekend so I had to start looking into that by reading parts of the Hogwarts rulebook and it's a boatload of Hogswash. I fell asleep around one in the morning.
Wednesday I was, again, woken up by a -bloo- house elf at an unspeakable hour in the morning and I had to go to those -bl- 'lessons' again. They told me weird s-h-tuff again and I didn't fall asleep this time, thank you very much.
Then I had class and I had to skip lunch because of bloody course. But then I was about to go to my chambers to sleep for just a minute or two because I was ready to keel over any time now when I met the new Potions professor in the halls.
I hadn't met the guy yet because Snape took care of that issue, thank Merlin, and I greeted him like I would anybody else. Y'know, with a grin and a fistbump, like a normal person. That fucking guy actually sneered at me and was the most annoying fothermucker I have ever met.
I hate the Bat alright, but it's a mutual thing, you see? He's just an asshole. But I don't have beef with this new professor or anything, he's just a shitty person. Snape comes up with good insults and is a straight up asshole, the honest kind. That guy, on the other hand, is just a backhanded, hypocritical, slimy -cocksu assh idi- person and I hate him with everything I have.
In the evening I hung out with Moony for about twenty minutes purely to calm down from that encounter before I had to go to the Headmasters' (that feels weird to look at!) office because people feel better when I do or something weird like that.
Thursday was the same, only did I get a good five hours of sleep and I'm mad I think that that's a lot. I went to class and noticed very soon that five hours is not nearly enough to recuperate from almost a week of very (very) little sleep because I yelled at a student over actually nothing (he tripped, not even in my vicinity, and I -fuc- lost it, like actually).
The evening was, once again, spent listening to one idiot or another and I had a fight with the Bat because he was being stupid.
Friday I have only one class and I thought I could sleep all day but no, I had to talk to random people about complaints from parents and now I have to organize meetings with 'em because Snape hasn't had time to leave the office in three days. I would feel bad for him if it wasn't karma for being insufferable.
Saturday was the same, I didn't sleep, parents are assholes and i won't take it back, yaddi yadda. The Bat imperius'ed me to listen to more yapping from someone and I've forgotten what already.
Sunday (today) I was able to sleep for nine hours, only had Snape also fallen asleep at the same time and we were both waken up in alarm because how dare we sleep, ever? Then I had to stare at paper for the whole day until the letters started to dance before my eyes. After that I had to organize the next subject in Muggle Studies, write this letter and fuck my life.
Greetings,
Sirius Black, Headmaster.
ps: if the Bat says anything about centaurs, he's exaggerating. I have everything under control.
Well, Minerva thought, at least nobody had died yet.
She'd decided to settle for a lower bar of expectations for this whole situation because anything less and she would cry. At least her cozy little house at the beach was good, right? She didn’t want to know about the centaurs. She didn’t want to know about the new teacher. She wanted to hear that everything was going splendid and that they didn’t need her help, for Morgana’s sake!
.o0o.
Minerva,
I apologize in advance, but I find myself low on time, sleep, patience and any other such qualities at the moment and have not been able to find rest in the past four days. Seeing I am currently hallucinating and conversing with people long dead I was not able to explain in more detail like I mentioned in my previous letter. I will see if it is in my capabilities to correct that a week from now on but do not get your hopes up because this position is a curse and I am the damned.
Well, over to a quick overview of this week because I am not yet finished with work for the day and my father is sitting next to me, explaining in detail why moths are the superior kitchen utensils.
Monday I woke at five, did paperwork over paperwork over paperwork until lunchtime, when my hunger became noticeable enough for me not to find myself capable anymore to work it off.
After eating what the elves had brought I was asked to meet with a multitude of people - mostly related to the ministry - about regulations, opinions, rules, questions, trade, finance, politics, timing, creatures, curriculums, teachers, architecture and, for a reason currently a mystery, underwater-beekeeping.
In the early evening I called in Black to inform him politely that if he did not take his work seriously I would personally make sure he would eat all and every piece of work not done. Also, to get him to listen to the explanations of our duty. He managed to fall asleep and I had to forcefully repress my urge to gut the imbecile at that moment.
Tuesday I woke once again early and me and Black had our 'lessons' again. That is what Black calls them, do not associate me with such idiotic and inappropriate terms for our situation.
I spent the day in meetings over meetings and happened to lose over twenty documents through sheer tiredness and exhaustion. The evening I spent in the Headmasters' office with Black, him grading papers while I worked through the ministry's newest requests - barely hidden grabs for power - and rules, one more idiotic than the last.
Wednesday I had once more to sit through the 'lessons', this time with a grand total of five hours sleep, and then worked the day through, nothing special happened, apart from the attack of centaurs that I somehow hadn't been informed were on the warpath. Black heavily injured one and the centaurs of the Forbidden Forest are now officially at war with Hogwarts.
The Headmaster apparently has to visit for tea once a month to discuss treaties and peace and neither I nor Black had been informed which led to the complete loss of all treatied with the centaur folk.
The ministry somewhat apologized for the mistake and told us to go to the portraits of past Headmaster for such information, but they heavily implied their innocence because they are 'very busy and not responsible for this situation'.
Black hit one of them and that was highly unprofessional of him. He was not punished for it. I saw to that.
Thursday officials once again gave us their 'lessons', I worked myself slightly closer to my early demise, Black, the fool, yelled at a student, I fell asleep in the office due to sleepless nights, and so on.
Do not belive anything Black tries to make you believe, I did not start a fight and I did not 'behave like a fucking asshole, you snake, what the bloody hell do you mean, you're a prick, shut up'.
I also did not use sectumsempra to scare Black into submission, that would be unprofessional and potentially not entirely legal.
Friday I had work, did not sleep, ate too little, lost a bunch of things and potentially signed a contract to sell the rotting carcass of the basilisk on accident, etc, etc, etc.
Saturday I was called to resolve an issue between students, but, it seems, I was tired (so, so done) enough to scare the children into abandoning ship without having to say a word. In Black's words I look 'like you died and got resurrected as a zombie, just uglier'.
Black is childish, immature and petty and should not run free, but the law does not agree with me, seeing he is not in Azkaban anymore sadly. I will see if I am capable of changing that.
And today I had work, slept maybe three hours and haven't finished working at half past eleven. -The wo- Lupin has reminded me of my duty of making his potion in the following week and I barely managed not to throttle him.
I have been Headmaster for two weeks, we are three months into the school year and, were I an emotional Gryffindor, I would be close to tears. I haven't had a good meal in four days, haven't slept longer than six hours at once since I was promoted, haven't had enough time to myself to procure a pepper-up even once in all this time and am tremendously close to murdering both Black and the ministry goons, not even mentioning the pain that is the new Potions professor.
Minerva, I do not think I will be able to write long letters any longer - seeing I am about to keel over - but I will continue sending letters nonetheless.
Greetings,
Severus Snape, Tired.
ps: where is it you fled to, Minerva, and why is it that you do not answer? I request an answer right about now and my patience is running thin.
Minerva let out a sound of compassion for Severus, because she understood exactly how the poor man felt. She had felt like that for six years straight and she could still feel the looming terror in her guts every morning when she woke up feeling like she had missed her alarm to start working on the newest stack of paperwork.
At least Severus hadn't broken down yet and neither had Sirius, which was somewhat better than she had thought. No one could blame her for thinking that this would be too much for anyone who hadn't been a teacher for over four decades at least and been groomed for the position.
She neatly put the letter back into the envelope and filed it into her 'Severus' compartment, before getting up to make herself some tea.
After having moved to Jamaica she had bought a little house - muggle - next to a beach. It was pretty run down at first, but now, after two weeks, it was slowly starting to come together.
Being far off from any muggle cities or even smaller towns she could freely use her magic to repair any damages to the outside, like the broken tiles on the roof, the damaged walls and the very much not water-proof windows.
Now, the house was finally starting to look like what she'd been dreaming about in all those sleepless nights. With mint green walls on the outside and cyan walls on the inside, beautiful, old style tiles on the roof and a forest green, wooden entrance door the house was everything that Minerva could dream off.
There was a little grove behind the house, a garden to the left and a magnificent view over her own, albeit small, beach.
The inside was still pretty empty bare the essentials, but she already had plans for all the rooms and collected good, sturdy pebbles to serve as transfiguration objects.
She was doing really well compared to Severus and Sirius, and damn her if that didn't feel good in a guilty way.