Hogwarts's Downfall
Hi Minnie,
Sirius again here! As usual, been doing -shi- pretty bad. I regret ever having been made Headmaster and that's on you, so I'm kinda (as in really bloody) mad at you, made worse by sleep-deprivation and a newly formed addiction to firewhisky.
Over here Britain's been burning slowly to the ground, everyone is in a panic, people who shouldn't be are trying to get in control, the de-corruption of the ministry has come to an abrupt halt and all of that is supposedly the job of the Headmaster to fix. -Wtf?- Like, seriously? What's wrong with the Minister for Magic actually doing his job?
So... me and -the Ba- Snape are being informed every day of a dozen new things that really shouldn't -bloody fu- be our job that in fact are and that we don't have time to do.
You know I'm always in for making Snape's life harder, but the last time I've seen him walking around without any work out of reach was before he was made Headmaster, and that's three weeks. The man is outside of the office only for the Feast and he's almost falling asleep over his food every evening. Maybe he's even begun sleeping in the office or he'd probably be dead already.
I've even snuck into his chambers just to take out the clock I put in there so he doesn't die, cause then I bet there would be even more reporters coming and hounding me for info.
Also - way more importantly, don't think I care about the Bat any further than that - it would mean more responsibility for me, that I'd have to all of the paperwork. -Fuc scre freak- I'd hate that, more than you can imagine. I have nightmares about that scenario. They are worse than the ones in which Moony dies, for comparison.
I'm doing marginally better than him, luckily, mostly because I got slightly less work to do (yay! It doesn't feel like it). I hadn't missed a lesson at that point but I think I yelled at three more students because I got angry.
One tried to ask me for special permission for a Hogsmeade weekend and -like fuc- no way I'm doing more work. What's even wrong with that kid!?1 I'm already -f- working on four to five hours sleep max!
Yeah, anyway, I haven't slept enough, did I mention that already?
I'll make this quick and chronological for the sake of my sanity, alright? Here we go.
I get woken up at six thirty by house elves that probably have a direct order from Snape because they won't stop even when I tell them and I'm a -Merlinda- Headmaster. I hate the Bat, if you didn't know. With all my heart. But you are a close second, don’t be jealous.
Monday I got class all day. I almost fell asleep in front of all the students. I lost my wand. I found it only three classes in and I bet the students are all laughing at me. Hell, I am laughing at myself!
In the evening I went to the office, graded papers, ignored Snape as much as I could (we only had three fights!) and tried to find out where the hell Dumble's phoenix went. Have you seen it again? Is it even still alive? I hope I'm not breathing in its dead ashes, that would be weird.
Then I had to listen to those stupid -ass- lessons again. Apparently the Headmaster has to have read the entire rulebook. Do you know how many pages that is? IN THE THOUSANDS!!! Fuck that. I hate everything. Where'd you go to again? Got space for one more Headmaster on the run?
...
(That was a joke.)
(I think.)
It dragged itself into the night and I went to sleep at two in the morning.
Tuesday, then, I had class in the morning but I overslept for obvious reasons and Filius went on a rant about how that is entirely unacceptable. I had to listen to him ramble in fury, of course, and then missed a second class because of that.
In the afternoon I had to organize Hogsmeade weekends, work out over nine different detentions (meaning I had to organize them, not host them, luckily) and try to calm down the centaurs.
And I swear on my life, whatever -the Greasy B- Snape says, I did not get kidnapped on purpose to avoid work. I'm not -fucki- stupid! It was an accident. Mostly. Anyway, it's complicated, they didn't torture me and I'm still alive, so it's fine.
Merlin, I hate Snape. He's ugly, annoying, cruel, slimy, arrogant and he does about 80% of the paperwork. Merlin, I could kiss him.
I haven't slept enough in days and haven't eaten anything today yet, I'm hearing muggle music where there is none and seeing the gates to paradise. Or at least that is what I think the weird light dancing somewhere along the wall across me is. It looks door-y.
Wednesday morning me and Snape had the stupid "How-To-Be-A-Headmaster-101" lessons again. It was only about stupid and uninteresting stuff, except that they told us that we had to start talking to the portraits of the ex-Headmasters the next day if we wanted to have any chance at being good Headmasters.
I admit, because I am a mature adult, that I completely forgot about them. That then led to a fight with Snape in front of five ministry goons because, supposedly, he can't stand such idiocy or whatever. And I think one of us hit one of the goons with a knockback jinx because Poppy was real unhappy afterwards when we brought him in with a dislocated shoulder blade, apparently.
It wasn't my fault, I swear! It was Snape. No way it's not him, it's always him! -The bloody Slythe.-
Then I had some lunch in the Great Hall but my appetite was down from being in such bad company all the time. All that Slytherin-ness is starting to really affect me, I swear. It's a real thing, believe me. Remy told me I`m imagining things but whatever. I bet old Xeno would agree with me.
I caught up on all the gossip too, cause I haven't been in contact with other human being in too long. Neither does Snape nor do the goons count as human interaction in any way whatsoever.
Of course that also meant that I was in the vicinity of the new professor, whose name I still cannot remember, and I was reminded of how much I despise him. Remember Lockhart? That, but slimy, backstabbing and just thoroughly an asshole.
I bet he's like Lockhart in more ways than just idiocy because I am about 70% sure he's a fraud as well, going off of the reports of the number of destroyed cauldrons that Snape has shoved off to me.
By the way, I think he forgot he banned me from doing paperwork ever again, or maybe he just couldn't take so much paperwork cuz I am doing more and more of it every day. Or maybe he just couldn't stand the sight of such a -shi- bad potions professor.
-Sucks to be him.-
The guy was so nice to ask me about why I was such an irresponsible adult, missing lessons and all that and that I should maybe stop going out to drink every night and sleep more if I am so sleep-deprived that I can't even do such simple things.
He called me a man-child, depraved (because I called professor Sprout - Pomona, though I will never be able to look her in the eyes again if I ever call her by her first name - a beautiful woman), a criminal and the worst Headmaster Hogwarts has ever had - Phineas Nigellus included, which is just not acceptable. The guy banned Quidditch!
I didn't hit the new teach. I didn't kill or torture him. I didn't even use his blood in an obscure ritual. But he did end up having his hair turned to snakes shortly afterwards for the rest of the day. Also, his robes disappeared in the middle of teaching. All of them. And the guy can't transfigure -for shit- to save his life so he had to hide behind his desk. Or so I'm told.
Wednesday morning, instead of the lessons we had to meet the portraits. So, after I woke up I went up to the office where the goons and -the snak- Snape were waiting.
We met all of the portraits and they were fine, alright? It's just, I really, really hate Phineas Nigellus Black. With the fire of a thousand dying suns. I despise him. I want to punch him. Set his painting on fiendfyre.
Merlin, I hate him.
He's so ignorant and stupid. So mindless. So naive and at the same time I feel he's doing it on purpose just to piss me off. And while I am a patient man at heart, even I have my limits. The new Potions professor is skimming that line. Phineas is crossing it for fun. Dancing word-ballet right over it.
I am growling at my parchment just thinking of him, for reference. Snape is giving me weird looks. Merlin, I hate him, too.
Anyway, the other portraits, once I've silenced and warded (cursed) the hell outta Phineas's to put a Fidelius to shame, were pretty nice and super informative. One of the goons told me I am not allowed and could go to Azkaban for it; the man never saw me coming.
They told us a bunch of things about the history of Hogwarts, the founders' time, a bit more about our duties - apparently the Headmaster has to purposefully adapt the warming charms to each and every room in this damn castle because wizards are as advanced as muggles in the Dark Ages, and those were called Dark Ages for a reason.
I swear, I know wizards that couldn't cook eggs for breakfast if not for the species they enslaved through magic who do it for them.
The Headmaster(s) also has(ve) to explicitly change the weather because the wards of Hogwarts are so strong that neither wind nor rain can penetrate them without permission.
Those wards are connected to the wardstone, the ministry goons told us, but - obviously (I'm spending too much time with Snape, I subconsciously tried to flourish my robes yesterday. And I've started to hand in my papers on time!) - they don't know where it is, so the portraits told us.
You know, you could've just done that yourself, Minnie. No need to make it harder for us. For example, neither of us knew that we could strengthen them by pouring our own magic into them. The portraits said they weren’t sure what would happen with there being two of us now, but they suspected that the wards would either just get even more overpowered or get an upgrade, which never happened before. So cool.
Dippet (how -the fuck- in the world did I not know who came before Dumbledore and why the hell even was there a Hogwarts before Dumbledore??? Seems just so unlikely) was the most informative. Did you know he was over 350 years old when he died? He died in 1992!!! Minerva, he was still alive just over a decade ago!!!!!!!
He told us a lot about the office, the registry of magical students, secret passageways, what he knows about the Room of Requirement and so on. Something about dealings with the mayor of Hogsmeade, too, but my brain shut down at mayor. Mayor.
Hogsmeade has a mayor?!? Why did no one inform me of this?
(Snape sneered at me and told me they'd told us weeks ago but screw him and the stick up his -a- butt anyway.)
If you think about it, it makes sense, I guess, that they have someone organizing everything and all, but I just kind of thought that would fall into our department as well. Not that I'm complaining! I'm always happy to have less work, but it just didn't cross my mind at all, ya know? Wizarding politics are stupid anyway, especially now that I've looked a bit into Muggle politics for my lessons and know they are objectively better.
Anyway, Dumbledore's portrait was gone for some reason and seeing you haven't died tragically in Hogwarts as Headmistress or spent year making a portrait yourself, you haven't got one either. Snape burnt his with - illegal! - fiendfyre in front of ministry goons and they were looking so pale I think some of them were about to pass out.
I didn't know Snape could be fun and I stand corrected.
His humour consists of scaring people to death and do illegal -sht- stuff, which is exactly my kind of humour. I still hate him, obviously (Merlindammit), but I did see the shimmer of a time-turner in his pocket. They are, as you probs know, highly illegal and dangerous. Life and death kind of dangerous.
Ha. Funny.
Anyway, I had class in the afternoon, hung with Moony but passed out across his lap out of tiredness in the first ten minutes, had a great talk with the new teach at the Feast again, hexed him five times in the course of a quarter hour and the guy didn't even pause to think about getting -the fuck- off of his high horse and then signed more complaints that arrive straight in the Headmasters' office for some -Merlinforsaken- reason and in more frequency than the invites by simpering purebloods who have nothing better to do with their time than try and suck up as hard as they can to the superiors. Hah, I’m superior -go such a dick-.
Thursday, we had the lessons again in the morning but they just wouldn't leave afterwards so I kicked one, Snape imperiused another and after that they scampered off pretty quick.
Also, I think I accidentally smiled at Snape. It's just, we were having a moment there, fighting off the evil goons on three hours of sleep each and I think I just turned at him and smiled. And I may have hallucinated it, but I think he may have just smiled back!!!
I'm shuddering just think about it. He's a slimy git, he's awful and what he does is not funny, but illegal. Very illegal. I should probably call the Aurors or something.
(Yeah, no, that ain't happening, for one he’s basically holding me hostage in the Headmasters' office but he also does most of the work, so curse him just a little less than I'd have a month ago.)
Then I had classes, technically, but I arrived wayyy to late cuz of that other ordeal so the students all left and I just fell asleep instantly in the teacher's chair in the Muggle Studies classroom.
Pomona found me and whooped my -ass- butt, but these thirty minutes of sleep were so worth it.
Friday, I had gotten just a little more sleep so I finally came to my senses and tried to flee this stupid place but Snape found me in the Hogshead and hovered me back to Hogwarts kicking and screaming. I almost won that duel, too!
He cheated, I bet. He learned it from Voldemort, that doesn't count! Urgh, I hate him. No, I'm not trying to convince myself, or whatever Remy said I was doing, with how much I've been saying it. I just notice more because I'm constantly in his presence.
Saturday and Sunday me'n Snape had to go to a meeting with Kingsley who's now minister. So instead of doing paperwork we did something interesting. Or so I thought until we arrived and it was bone-dry politics, more niceties and manners than actual discussion and also more papers to sign. Like, no I don’t want to simper at your feet like a darn house elf, random side-character pureblood number 384.
Apparently, me and Snape have been real shit at being Headmaster, have forgone meetings with the Hogwarts school board since we've been appointed and have been reported by a number of ministry officials for grave crimes or something along those lines. We should be arrested immediately for life, if not for the fact that they literally can't because they'd also have to close Hogwarts, which, just, no.
Just. No.
Meaning: we've just gotten a free pass to do whatever -the f- we want without repercussions, basically. Snape says we shouldn't abuse it, but I've begun to know that evil glint in his eyes. I've never noticed before (it's also somewhat his standard expression) but it fits his personality like a glove and every time I see it, something real cool's about to go down.
Moony says I`ve been staring at -the Bat- Snape, but I'm just looking for a fun time, like when he ignored the leader of the centaurs who'd refused to greet him as Headmaster for a solid half-hour. I think the centaurs are out for our blood now but we wouldn't know, we never leave the walls now.
Except, of course, for the quick meeting at the ministry but I don't think that counts. Or our impromptu duel in Hogsmeade that the entire village was watching us fight out, but I don't think that counts, either. Or the other six times I went out to feed my dear Squiddie more paperwork.
Anyway, I think I overheard King tell Percy that he thinks we've both gone mad and should be closely monitored and I might just agree with him. Not on the monitor part, mind, but the crazy part. I feel kinda crazy. But maybe that's just leftovers from Azkaban, I dunno.
Yeah and then the rest of the weekend consisted of signing papers, meeting with 'important people' (no idea who they are and I don't think even Snape cares at this point) and for me organizing my classes.
So... yeah. What do you think? Think this is going well? I think I'm doing pretty alright, all in all, except for the fact that everything's going to shit and stuff but apart from the fact that me and Snape have committed enough crimes for a few life-sentences at Azkaban, have ignored two dozen requests to meet, talk to or even listen to people and have forsaken over a hundred important documents, I think everything's going well.
(One of these may have been the course plan for Herbology but no one cares about that anyway, right?)
Signed,
Yours,
Sirius
ps: be honest, how bad is it going? I'm actually bloody terrified rn
pss: I've gotten wayyyyyyy too used to say 'me and Snape ' or think of us as 'we'. Merlin, but I hate that man. So much. Ugh, I want to punc.AS,dhllr dc--.-.-.--
psss: I did punch him. He hexed me. We're good now. But we did spill about six litres of ink and slightly less blood. Most of it was not ours. You’ll never find the bodies (hahahaha…).