Chapter 28
Regulus
“Mr Black, please pay attention to your own cauldron and not the back of your classmates head.”
Shit.
Regulus forced his eyes down from the bond head of hair in front of him, to his cauldron, which was simmering away in dark shade of yellow. A far cry from the green it was supposed to be.
“Sorry Professor, fixing it now.”
Regulus grabbed his mortar and pestle and added the blue moth wings still on his desk. He had to move fast or his potion would spoil. He ground the wings into a powder, adding all of his Billywig venom and mixing it into a thin paste. As it turned a deep shade of blue, Regulus picked up the bowl and tipped the contents into his cauldron.
Immediately, the potion started bubbling. Regulus grabbed his wand and held it over his cauldron, waving it anti-clockwise as fast as he could.
Please work, please work
As his wand made it’s fifth circle, the liquid began to darken. It bubbled and spat, but at last it turned green.
Regulus breathed a sigh of relief as the bubbling eased. It was still a few shades lighter than it should have been, but as long as he did everything else right, it would still earn him an Acceptable, but he was playing catch up now.
Running into the storeroom, Regulus grabbed his next set of ingredients. A vial of rosewater, Eucalyptus leaves, more venom and a jar of dried Bream scales. He carefully balanced it all in his arms, and dashed back out the door.
“Regulus! Hurry up! We already started and you need to get these drills down before the next match.”
“Sorry,” he shouted as he ran out the door of the change rooms, broom in hand. “I’m coming.”
Regulus threw one leg over his broom and kicked off, flying straight up to where the team was already tossing a few quaffles around.
“Just start with a couple of laps around the pitch. Then you can pair up with Dorcas, alright?”
Regulus didn’t need telling twice. He turned the broom and shot off down the pitch, weaving between the stands, gaining speed as he warmed up. He leaned forward, cutting through the wind before it had time to slow him down. He was just about to pass the Hufflepuff stand and finish his first lap, when he spotted someone sitting there.
That wasn’t right. Hufflepuff couldn’t watch their practice. That was against the rules.
So much for fair play
Regulus twisted, changing his direction toward the stand so he could give this cheat a piece of his mind. As he got closer, Regulus started to make out more of the person in question. It was a boy he realised first, and it wasn’t just his robes that were yellow. His hair was a curly mess of blond strands. Except…
He’s not on the Hufflepuff team..
Regulus pulled up, trying to slow down so he could work out who this guy was. He looked familiar, but he couldn’t quite place him…
“WATCH OUT!”
What?
Regulus turned to see what all the yelling was about, but instead met a face full of bludger.
“How many times do I have to say ‘this isn’t going to work’ before you’ll listen to me?”
Regulus groaned as he rolled onto his back, rubbing the spot where his face had just hit the floor.
“Sorry Pans, I really thought I would get it this time.”
When he opened his eyes, his friend was standing over him, concern written all over her face. He gave her a weak smile, but she just shook her head and held out her hand. He grabbed it, and she pulled him to his feet.
“Clearly, you didn’t.”
“No? And here I was thinking I face planted because the charm was a success.”
Pandora rolled her eyes. “There’s no shame in trying again tomorrow, Reg. Flitwick said this won’t be in the exam. You have plenty of time to master it.”
“That’s right, Pans. Plenty of time to master it tonight, ready to go again?”
“Fine. But this is the last one before I’m going to dinner, alright?”
Regulus nodded and turned around, closing his eyes and holding out his wand.
“Ready when you are,” he called out, assuming his stance.
The floor shook. Regulus held his position.
“One. Two. Thr-”
CREEAAAKKK!
Regulus’ eyes shot open and he pointed the tip of his wand straight at the door. Then he lowered it.
It was a boy. A blond boy with curly hair and a light tan. He was smiling… and handsome.
“Sorry to interrupt, I was just looking for my ball. Have you seen it?”
Regulus shook his head. The only things in here was dust, himself and Pandora. Why on earth would someone be looking for a ball in an old classroom?
The smile dropped from the boys face and Regulus’ heart dropped with it. He didn’t want to make this boy sad. Maybe he could help him find the missing ball.
Regulus opened his mouth but before he could make his offer the boy stepped behind the door, disappearing from sight.
“Wait!” Regulus called out.
He stepped after him, swinging the door open and stepping into the corridor.
“Where are you going?”
“For the last time Regulus, it is adult business. Now stay here, I will be back in 20 minutes.”
Regulus looked down at his feet, twisting his hands together behind his back. This was the third time she’d told him. He just couldn’t remember anything today.
“I’m sorry, Mother. I’ll wait for you here.”
Walburga made a loud huffing noise and Regulus kept his eyes on the ground until her footsteps blended into the noise of Diagon Alley. When he finally looked up, there were dozens of people all around but for once, Regulus didn’t care.
He had a few galleons in his pocket, and he knew exactly what he wanted to get with them.
He stepped into the flow of people and dashed down the street. Florean Fortescue's was just down a few doors down. He would have plenty of time to finish the treat before his mother came back for him. She’d skin him alive if she caught him.
Regulus swerved his way through the crowd until he arrived at the front door. He pushed it open and was relieved to see there was only one other customer.
“That’ll be 2 sickles. I’ll call you once it’s ready.”
The boy stepped aside and Regulus jumped in next.
“Good morning, could I please get a single strawberry and chocolate?”
The man behind the counter smiled, as his quill took down the order. “Anything else?”
Regulus shook his head.
“Alright then, 2 sickles and I’ll call out your name to collect it.”
Regulus handed the man his money and stepped aside, near the other boy waiting for his order.
He was a little taller than Regulus, with blond curly hair and a light tan. He actually looked a little out of place. Instead of robes like everyone else in the street, this boy was in a t-short and shorts. He was even holding an oddly shaped quaffle under his arm.
“It’s a soccer ball.”
Regulus looked up and met the boys blue eyes.
Oh…
He was really handsome… and… Merlin he knew him from somewhere… it was on the tip of his tongue…
“Um, are you alright?”
Shit, I’m staring.
Regulus’ cheeks began to heat up and he knew he was turning red.
“I… um… sorry… I just…”
The boy smiled and yep, Regulus was definitely red. Who was this boy?
DING! DING!
“Order up! Single banana for-”
Regulus pressed his hands over his eyes, trying to block out the morning light peeking through his curtains. He sat up, stretching his arms above his head and letting out a quiet yawn. He hadn’t slept that well in ages, though that dream had certainly been strange.
Not that he was complaining, it was nice not waking up screaming because someone was trying to curse him. Regulus opened his eyes and spotted Sirius still asleep on his makeshift bed. He smiled. If he slept well, that meant Sirius had slept well and he knew how much his brother needed some rest.
Regulus let himself flop back down against his bed, pressing himself into the pillow, breakfast already on his mind. He tried to put something together in his mind. He was craving some fruit.
I’m sure there’s still a bit of banana left in the-
Regulus felt his face turning bright red, as the last part of his dream came back to him.
He groaned. He knew exactly who the boy in his dream was.
---
Sirius
“Alright Reg,” Sirius held up the two options in each hand.
So far, Sirius had figured out that giving Regulus a choice usually made him a little more receptive to actually eating a meal. Not a great deal, but it made enough of a difference that he’d been doing this every time he reasonable could.
“Banana or mango?”
He spun around to let Regulus see the choices, but the moment his brother looked up from his book, he froze. As his eyes darted between the pieces of fruit, his cheeks began turning a bright shade of red and his jaw dropped just enough to give him the very distinct look of surprise.
Is he surprised we have fruit or something?
A few seconds passed before Regulus seemed to become aware of himself again, at which point his jaw snapped shut and he turned straight back to his book.
“Mango. Thanks.”
Right…
Sirius shrugged it off and continued putting together their breakfast. Mango and weetabix for today.
He placed the two bowls down on the table and the two ate in silence. Regulus reading between bites and Sirius sipping his coffee. The Weasleys were all still in bed and he wasn’t upset by it. After last nights ordeal, the last thing he wanted was to force Regulus to endure another family meal. Though he was jealous of their sleep in.
“How’s the book?”
He was pretty sure it was one of the ones Remus had picked up for him. He had no idea what it was about, but he did recognise the title. Remus had owned a copy and read the thing until the cover fell off. Judging by how much time Regulus spent read, his copy was likely headed in the same direction.
“Good,” Regulus mumbled without tearing his eyes way from the page.
Sirius grinned, shaking his head. What did he do to end up living with a bunch of book worms?
“It must be pretty good. What’s it about?”
He took another sip of coffee in anticipation for a short summary, but for the second time that morning Regulus froze. Once again, his cheeks started turning red and his jaw dropped the slightest bit.
What is up with him today…
“Oh… err… well a wizard got cursed and he’s dying so… well… him and a friend go track down the witch who did it...”
Sirius nodded. “Sounds interesting. Where you are you up to?”
“Um… well… they just… the cursed wizard is getting really sick so… so the other has to leave him behind... and get the cure…”
“What kind of dumbass witch has a curse cure lying around?”
Regulus huffed, “Yeh… well… not a cure…more like… offer to take his… friends… place…”
Sirius took another sip of coffee. It actually sounded really good, no wonder Regulus was fixated on it.
“Reckon I can flip through it once you’re done?”
Alright something must be going on
In the space of a few seconds, between him starting and ending his questions, Regulus had gone from nervous to downright horrified. His eyes had doubled in size and darted straight to the book in question, like he’d been caught with something he wasn’t supposed to have.
Which was strange considering Sirius couldn’t think of a single situation where a book would be something Regulus shouldn’t have. Perhaps if it was a muggle book and their parents were poking around, but that wasn’t the case.
“I-I… just u-um… I-I…”
Before Regulus had a chance to stutter out a response, Arthur came waltzing into the kitchen.
“Morning boys, water still hot Sirius?”
“Err,” he glanced over at Regulus, who had taken that moment to shut his book and slip it under the table.
I’ll ask Remus later.
He looked back up at Arthur and nodded, “Yes, it should be.”
“Marvellous,” Arthur replied, oblivious to the conversation he’d just interrupted. He waved his wand and a cup, some instant coffee, milk and the water, floated up into the air and started putting themselves together. “Has the prophet come in yet?”
“Afraid not, owls running late today.”
“Now, I’ll pick one up on the way into the ministry.”
Arthur’s coffee finished preparing itself and he plucked it out of the air, taking a large gulp as everything put itself away. Sirius had no idea how he could drink that stuff. Instant coffee was bad enough, but magically prepared foods were never as good as the handmade versions. Regardless, it seemed like he was desperate for it.
“Rough day ahead?”
Arthur huffed, “You could say that again. Since the tournament we’ve been getting more and more reports of cursed artefacts being sold to muggles. It’s exactly like last time and not a single person will acknowledge it.”
Sirius shuddered. He remembered accompanying his father on his business trips through Knockturn Alley as a child. Even before the war officially began, Orion had spent hours tinkering away in in his office, carrying innocent muggle things in and levitating dangerous artifacts out. There was no doubt many of his creations were still out there.
“Maybe you can pin it on me? I’m sure that’ll get you a little more support from Fudge.”
Arthur chuckled, taking another large gulp of his drink and placing the empty mug in the sink. “I’ll keep you in mind for our next raid.”
“Anything I can do to help,” Sirius replied, raising his mug as if proposing a toast.
The three of them fell into silence as Arthur scurried around the kitchen, putting together his lunch for the day. Sirius flipped between watching his frantic movements as the time ticked down before he had to leave and watching Regulus staring at his breakfast, stirring it more than eating.
The book was hidden in his robes.
When Ginny entered the kitchen, followed shortly by Fred and George, Sirius reluctantly let Regulus leave the table, despite barely making a dent in his food.
“I need the bathroom,” Regulus muttered as they exited, speeding ahead and leading the way upstairs.
Sirius followed close behind, he wanted to see Remus anyway. He set the timer and gave Regulus some privacy, walking down to his room and gently pushing open the door.
“You awake, yet?” He asked, quietly stepping inside to see Remus sitting up in bed reading a letter, an owl perched on the windowsill.
“Hmm, I was woken up by this guy tapping the glass,” he replied without looking up. He was frowning, holding the letter in one hand, cradling his head in the other. Sirius’ felt sick. He knew that look.
“What’s wrong?”
Remus sighed, dropping the letter and looking out the window.
“Dumbledore… he wants me to head out a few days earlier this time. Stay with the packs from the 10th till the 14th.”
No…
“But I thought it was just the moons for now? With Regulus I thought he agreed to-”
“I know, Pads… but he’s got intel that there will be mass attacks on the full and he needs me to try and find out where so we can try stop it.”
This wasn’t a normal mission. This was…
“What if you get caught up in the attack?”
Remus didn’t answer and Sirius’ stomach dropped.
“Remus you don’t…” Sirius stepped closer, sitting down in front of Remus, grabbing his hand as he continued staring outside. “He can’t make you to do that. You can say no.”
“Remus? Remus, what’s wrong?! What happened to your arm?!”
Sirius dropped the grocery bags, and rushed straight for Remus who was lying on their lounge, bleeding out in silence. He pulled out his wand and began attempting to stop the bleeding and mend as much of the skin as he could. His arm was shredded. Why hadn’t he called for help?
“Remus? Talk to me? What happened?”
Remus didn’t answer. He didn’t even move as Sirius tapped the wounds with the tip of his wand. He just continued staring lifelessly at the roof.
“Moons? Moony?” Sirius took in a shaky breath and leaned over Remus. His eyes were dull and barely flicked when Sirius forced himself into his line of sight. What was happening?
“Remus? Answer me, please! Are you alright? Why are you here?”
He wasn’t supposed to be back until tomorrow. He was supposed to spend today with the packs. Why did he come back early?
Remus continued to do nothing.
Sirius stepped backwards, dropping his wand and running his hands through his hair, pulling at it as he tried to stop himself from panicking. Remus wasn’t responding. He was injured. He barely looked alive. Merlin, Sirius wasn’t a healer. What the fuck was he supposed to do?
He spun back around, crouching down beside Remus, stroking the side of his face.
“Remus, please, answer me. What happened to you?”
Remus closed his eyes and a tear tumbled down the side of his face.
“I was there…”
“Where? Where were you?”
Remus chocked down a shuddering breath as another tear fell.
“They led an attack and… and I was there… I can’t remember if I… I think I might have…”
“We knew he would ask eventually.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to say yes.”
Remus pulled his hand out of Sirius’, crossing his arms and looking back at the letter. His eyes were red, and his cheeks were damp.
“Theres no one else who can do it.”
I don’t care…
Sirius reached forward, putting his on Remus’ cheek and turning his face so their eyes met.
“That doesn’t mean you have to volunteer.”
Remus closed his eyes, leaning into Sirius’ touch. Sirius wanted him to stay there. He wanted time to stop and have Remus here forever. Always in his reach, always in his sight. Safe. Safe from the packs. Safe from the death eaters. Safe from Dumbledore. Safe from himself. He couldn’t lose him again.
Remus uncrossed his arms, placing one hand over Sirius’, holding it tightly.
“Yes,” Remus pulled Sirius’ hand away from his face and opened his eyes. “It does.”
Sirius let his hand come back. He knew that, but just because he knew it, didn’t mean he had to like it.
He stood up, just as his brother’s timer started its countdown.
“I’m going to make you tea and breakfast, then Regulus and I are going to come sit with you, alright?”
“No, Pads don’t worry about me. I’m fine. You and-”
“No, it wasn’t a question. I was telling you the plan. Now stay here.”
I’m not letting you suffer alone this time.
---
Regulus
Regulus was lying on the floor, very quietly filling out the daily prophet’s crossword, trying not to draw too much attention to himself as Remus and Sirius sat together on their bed, talking in whispers. Something was clearly wrong, but he had no idea what.
After his questions over breakfast, Regulus had been expecting Sirius to launch into a full-on enquiry about his reading habits once they were out of earshot from the Weasleys. But he hadn’t. After spending 5 minutes in the bathroom figuring out how to explain why he was reading a queer story without outing himself, the topic seemed to have completely slipped his brother’s mind.
Part of him was a little sad Sirius had forgotten.
Instead, he was given the option of helping cook or sitting with Remus. Considering the racket coming from downstairs, Regulus chose the less crowded option. He hadn’t been expecting to see Remus looking so… sad… when he came in.
He’d tried to hide it, greeting Regulus in the same pleasant manner he always had. He probably would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for his red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
It’ll be ok. They’re adults. They can handle it. They’d tell me if it was that bad.
Unfortunately, hearing their whispers didn’t help the sick twisting in his stomach. Every time he picked out a new word, his mind drew the worst possible conclusion. Attack. Death. Injury. Risk. Spy. He wanted to block his ears and stop hearing it. He didn’t want to be involved in more war. He didn’t want to lose the last two people he had.
Regulus tried to push away the thoughts and focus on the questions.
This week the crossword it was magical creatures themed, which Regulus knew a decent amount on given his interest in potions. You had to know if you wanted to brew properly.
Six down: A tree-dwelling that is difficult to spot. Bowtruckle
Eight down: The largest known species of dragon. Ukranian Ironbelly
Nine down: The original snitch. Golden Snidget.
Regulus continued filling out the crossword, which was unfortunately rather easy. The only ones that really caused him grief was three across, which wanted him to know the native merfolk of Ireland, seven across, which wanted the fastest breed of winged horses and eleven down, the spirits native to Brazilian forests.
Considering he didn’t think those were creatures used in potion making, Regulus gave himself the pass. Though he fully intended on scouring the library to figure it out later.
As Regulus filled in the last few blanks of the word puzzle, he was relieved to hear that Sirius and Remus had ceased their whispered conversation and we back to chatting normally. He still didn’t want to bother them though, so he began flicking through the paper.
It was actually rather boring today, which Regulus was more than happy with. Interesting usually meant bad. There were some disputes between Gringotts and some other French bank, an interview with the Chudley Cannons, a couple of celebrity stories about people Regulus didn’t recognise and an ad for cleaning services.
Until there was something interesting. He was on the final page, just scanning a bunch of job listings when his eyes caught one. Hogwarts was looking for a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher to start in September. To replace Alastor Moody. To replace Barty.
All the work he’d done to distract himself crashing down.
He blinked as tears clouded his vision. His throat stung and his breathing stopped feeling automatic. But he kept still and kept quiet. He wasn’t going to burden everyone else with his problems. Barty was dead, he already knew that. The Dark Lord was back, he already knew that. Remus and Sirius were fighting in a war, he already knew that.
He already knew everything that was making him upset. He had no right to cry over old news. He was responsible for his own emotions. He was supposed to take care of himself.
A tear dripped down onto the paper, soaking up the ink and blurring the words below.
Stop it. Stop being stupid.
But his body didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. What was wrong with him? He didn’t understand why this stupid water, was leaking from his stupid face. What was done, was done. The past was the past. There was no point whining over it, yet here he was. Whining over it.
His skin crawled. His old wounds itched. He wanted to make new ones.
But I can’t
If he did, Remus would know. If he tried, they would stop him.
This isn’t fair…
Nothing was fair.
Regulus turned to his side, curling his knees into his chest, and holding on. His back to the bed, his eyes focused on nothing. He could hear voices in the background. Remus and Sirius. They sounded happy.
Something bad was coming. Remus had to do something, and Sirius was scared. Remus was scared. He had no right to ruin a happy moment for them. He had no right to anything.
““You have to talk to me Reg.”
“You are not a burden.”
“You have to tell me so I can help.”
“I’m going to keep you safe”
He knew that Sirius would want him to say something. This is the exact sort of thing Sirius said he wanted him to talk about, but Regulus couldn’t. He didn’t deserve too. No matter what his brother said, he knew that if he just pretended to be fine, Sirius would be happier. He couldn’t pretend forever so he was going to pretend until he could go.
Then Sirius would move on, Sirius would forget him, and Sirius would live. So would Remus. So would the whole world. He was just Regulus. Nothing would end when he did. He wasn’t that important.
I wish I was
He wished he was important to someone the way Sirius and Remus were important to each other. He wanted someone to hold him and tell him it was going to be ok, and he wanted to believe them when they said.
Regulus pressed his head into his knees. Closing his eyes and letting his tears fall silently to the ground.
“Just ask for Will and we can organise to hang out when you’re free.”
Regulus shook the memory away. Will was too good for him. He was a dirty, rotten, disgusting person and even if… even if Will was like him… there was no way he would like him once he got to know him. Saw his marks. Saw him breakdown like this.
Regulus didn’t even like Regulus. How could he expect Will to like him?
Only one person in the whole world had liked him. Who still cared about him enough to honour him after he betrayed everyone and died in service of a murderer. And she was dead. She was dead and she was never coming back.
“Luna… I’m certain she’d be happy to meet you…”
No… He wasn’t going to replace his best friend… What kind of person tried to replace their dead best friend with their kid?
Besides… who was to say Luna would even like him? Luna was her own person with her own thoughts and feelings and experiences. What if he met her and she hated him? What if she did what Pandora probably should have and turned him away?
Regulus curled even tighter.
“Hey Reg? You awake down there?”
No…
“Yeh?”
“I’m gonna grab Remus and I some tea, do you want anything?”
I want to go…
“No thanks…”
The bed sheets rustled, then the floorboards creaked.
“Are you sure you-”
The floorboards stopped creaking.
“Reg? Are you alright?”
No…
“Hmm…”
Sirius didn’t move.
“Is there a reason you’re laying that way?”
To disappear…
“Tired…”
The floorboards creaked, but not away. Sirius was standing in front of him.
There was another creak, and Regulus felt a hand on his shoulder.
“I thought you slept well last night?”
Not that kind of tired…
“Hmm…”
Leave me alone…
“Reg I’m-”
There was a soft thud and the floor beneath Regulus shuddered.
“-I’m not going until you’re honest with me.”
I can’t be…
“I was…”
Sirius sighed, “I don’t believe you.”
You shouldn’t…
“Hmm…”
“Wanna open your eyes and look at me?”
No…
“Too tired…”
“How about just uncoil a little?”
Regulus loosened his arms, just enough for his back to relax.
Now go Sirius…
“Feel better?”
I just want you to go…
“Hmm…”
“Feel like telling me what’s going on yet?”
I’ll just spread my misery…
“Doesn’t matter…”
“I want to know. What’s up?”
I’m so sad…
“Tired…”
“What’s keeping you so tired?”
Regulus breathed in and let his legs straighten, just enough to feel the rooms cool air on his face.
I miss everyone…
“Reg?”
I feel sick…
“Reg, I wanna know. I wanna help you.”
You can’t help me…
“What’s going on, bud?”
Regulus screwed his eyes up tighter, trying to stop the tears from coming. It didn’t work. He held his breath, so his cries wouldn’t escape. His whole body shook.
“I’m scared…”
At last, Regulus opened his eyes and the blurry shape of Sirius came into view. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. He couldn’t keep it together. So he let it out.
“Make it s-stop… p-please…”
A hand grabbed his hand, and pull him off the floor. He fell, but someone caught him. Sirius caught him.
“I’m s-sor-ry…”
Sirius wrapped his arms around his back and Regulus leaned into his big brother.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I-I just k-keep c-cry-ying…”
“You’re allowed to cry. I won’t care about you any less if you cry.”
You should care less…
Regulus buried his face into Sirius’ shirt.
I’m sorry…
Sirius wrapped hugged tighter.
“What’s wrong Reg? What happened?”
This war. These missions. This house. You. Remus. My friends. My life…
“Everyone leaves me…”
“I’m still here.”
Until you’re not…
“I w-want… them back…”
“I know bud.”
“I d-don’t know… h-how to make any-m-more…”
“What about Luna? Or giving the Weasleys another try?”
They’ll just hate me once they know how crazy I am…
“They won’t like me…”
“How do you know?”
Because I’m disgusting and wrong and weak and stupid
“People never like me…”
“Me and Remus like you.”
“You don’t count…”
“Why not?”
Cause you’re my brother…
“Because I hate to break it to you, but Remus and I do count. And so do all the other friends you miss.”
I don’t want to miss them anymore…
“But I promise, I will always be here for you.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“Well, I just did.”
“I’m not like you, Sirius. I’m not good at people.”
“Then I’ll help you learn.”
Sirius shifted and tilted his head against Regulus’.
“I’m not going to abandon you again. I’m sticking around whether you want me to it or not.”
I want you to… I really want you to…