Chapter 25
Remus
Come on Reg… Please be ok…
Remus was jogging down yet another street trying to locate Regulus but still there was no sign of him. It had been 2 hours and though he was trying to keep up a brave face for Sirius, the panic was starting to settle in. And boy was it just piling up on the guilt and shame already there. Regulus escaped because Sirius was unfocused. Sirius was unfocused because of him.
No. I’ll find him. He’ll be alright.
Remus stopped at the next intersection and pulled out his map. Crossing off yet another park and trying to figure out which one to try next.
By the time Remus had managed to help Sirius calm down, the first thing they’d down was ask Kreature to find him. He’d been more than happy to comply, but when he returned in tears and hitting himself over the head, Sirius had a complete melt down. Remus couldn’t blame him for it. The only way a house elf couldn’t locate a member of their household was if said person was dead.
“Or in the presence of muggles,” Remus said, trying to comfort a distraught Sirius.
He turned back to Kreature, who was in no better state than Sirius.
“Kreature what happened? What did you see?”
Whether Kreature heard him or not was impossible to know for certain. He made no effort to respond, instead wailing and clawing at his ears so much that blood was beginning to drip on the ground.
Sirius leaned even further onto Remus, crying and mumbling as Remus tried to support both their weights. He gripped Sirius by the waist and tried his hardest to stop his voice from breaking as he tried to petition the house elf again.
It took several tries but eventually he was able to decipher that Kreature was materialising somewhere bright with lots of greenery before he was bounced out of the location. Which meant Regulus was still alive and somewhere in view of muggles.
He shifted to hold Sirius’ face in his hands. He felt his heart shatter as he took in Sirius’ broken expression. His pained sobs and thick streams of tears. Remus almost found himself tearing up at just the sight of it but he blinked them away. If he cried, then Sirius would only become more distressed. He had to keep it together.
“Pads it’s alright. I’m going to find him. He’s going to be alright.”
“I-It’s m-m-my f-f-fa-fault. I-I s-sho-”
“No it isn’t your fault. It was an accident and he is going to be ok.”
Sirius started saying something again but it was impossible to make out. Drowned out by strangled breathings and heaving sobs. Remus glanced back down at Kreature, who’s ears were becoming stained with red.
“Kreature can you please keep checking? Let Sirius know if the location changes?”
Kreature immediately vanished and reappeared moments later, his cries renewed, wailing that everything was the same and he was a worthless horrible elf for not being able to save his true master.
With the reassurance that Kreature would hopefully cooperate, he turned back to Sirius. He let his hands fall and wrap around his shoulders. He squeezed tightly. Squeezed as tightly as the last time Sirius had lost his brother. He wasn’t going to let this happen again.
“I’m going to find him Sirius,” he stepped back and summoned a map. He looked back Sirius. His blank stare. His shaking shoulders. Remus swallowed. He wanted nothing more than to stay, keeping holding Sirius and telling him it was going to be alright. But he couldn’t. If he didn’t leave, then things wouldn’t be alright.
“I love you.”
Staring at the map, Remus made his choice and took a left, stuffing the map back into his rear pocket and breaking out into a jog again. He hadn’t heard anything from Sirius, so that hopefully meant Kreature hadn’t noticed any changes in the location. It was a risky plan. Kreature didn’t have to follow his orders if he didn’t want to and could have easily stopped checking. It was also unlikely that Sirius was sober anymore and there was a chance he couldn’t make contact even if something changed.
Just keep focused. Do what you can.
Remus jogged on. He took another left, then a right, crossed a road then jogged down a side street until at last the next park came into view. He rushed toward it. The fence was lined with thick green trees and foliage, but as he looked through the entrance he could see a bright grassy field.
Come on Reg. Where are you?
Remus walked through the gates carefully, eyes peeled and one hand on his wand pocket, ready to stop Regulus if he tried to run again. Statute of Secrecy be damned.
The moment he was inside, Remus took cover in the tree line to scan the fields.
It was a small park and not the busiest he’d been through so far which was a relief. The fear that he’d just missed Regulus at one of the previous parks was always there, screaming for attention.
Remus looked out across the muggles. Dog walkers. Some runners. A family. A couple of-
Remus grabbed his wand tightly and locked his eyes firmly on two boys sitting down on the opposite side of the park. One was in brown shorts and a red t-shirt, but the other was in grey pants and blue shirt.
“Regulus…”
Remus could have collapsed with relief. Regulus was alive. Regulus was there and alive and Remus had found him.
He’s alive. Merlin thank fucking Merlin. He’s ok.
---
Regulus
“Oi that’s cheating,” Will laughed as Regulus gave him a playful shove, trying to get possession of the ball. Regulus wasn’t doing very well at this game. He was quick and had no problem keeping up with Will, but his coordination was lacking.
“No idea what you’re talking about,” Regulus grinned as he gave Will another, slightly stronger shove. This time, Will stumbled and lost control of the ball. Regulus jumped at his chance to take possession. He kicked his leg out, aiming right for the ball and just he was about to make contact…
“No, you don’t,” Will called out and Regulus felt a hand wrapping around his arm, yanking him backwards. Regulus stumbled and suddenly Will was trying to rush past him.
“Excuse me,” Regulus chuckled, rolling his eyes as once again Will regained possession and started doing some complicated kicking pattern with his feet.
“You’re excused,” Will smirked and wriggled his eyebrows. Regulus just rolled his eyes again.
If this was quidditch, I would be flying circles around you
Not to be outdone, Regulus launched forward, ready to make another attempt to get his turn at kicking it around. He was about two steps from reaching Will when-
Oh…
Regulus blinked and as he tried to reopen his eyes, the world around him was spinning. The sky was left, the ground was up. He stumbled, his legs twisting around each other. His body felt too light. He blinked again and this time his vision was filled with black spots. His body hit the grass. The ground was tilting. Tilting. Tilting. He blinked again and his stomach flipped as the black spots grew larger, completely obscuring the world. He was falling. Everything was moving.
“Regulus? Hey are you alright?”
I’m fine…
Regulus blinked again. This time the spots were smaller. The world was slowing down. Regulus focused on his arms and tried to push up. He blinked again. He could just make out the green grass. A red shirt. Blond hair.
“What happened? Are you ok?”
Nothing… I’m fine…
Regulus blinked again. This time the world was mostly still. The ground was stable, and nothing was spinning. Will was crouching just beside him. Regulus sat up, leaning on his arms.
“Do you need help? Should I call someone?”
Regulus shook his head, taking a deep breath.
“M’fine,” he muttered. “Just need a little rest.”
Will pursed his lips but nodded, “Alright mate… do you want some water or something?”
Yes. Yes please.
Regulus nodded, still trying to get a grip on himself. His head was pounding as it tried to recover. He shouldn’t have pushed so hard.
Will was gone and back again a second later, holding out a water bottle. Regulus grabbed it took a few large mouthfuls of the warm water inside. As he drank, everything became clearer. The sky. The sun. The grass. The trees. Will.
“Thanks,” he passed the bottle back to the boy, making sure to leave at least a few good mouthfuls in there.
“Do you just want to sit down for a little bit?”
Regulus nodded as he took another deep breath, the pounding in his skull finally starting to fade.
Will sat down where he was crouching, still watching him nervously as if expecting him to pass out. Which was probably a reasonable concern given what he’d just witnessed. Seeing another boy go from laughing and playing to collapsing and barely breathing probably wasn’t something he saw very often.
“Sorry…” Regulus breathed as he tried to sit himself a little more upright.
“It’s alright. I needed a break soon anyway.”
You’re just saying that to be nice…
Regulus didn’t say anything though. He knew Will enough already to know he would deny the accusation.
As the boys had played, they’d slowly revealed more and more about themselves. Dropping random details here and there to paint pictures of who they were and Will? Will was nice. Way too nice to be hanging around someone like Regulus. He wanted to be a doctor to help sick people like his nan. He took his little sister to dance practice so his older sister had more time to study. He coached a kids football team on weekends.
He was obsessed with something called Star Wars and insisted that it was a crime that Regulus had never heard of it.
“You have to be kidding. Pleaseee tell me your kidding?”
“Would it make you feel better if I lied?”
“Regulus nooooo. And here I was thinking you were cool.”
“I am cool.”
“Debatable. What’s your favourite movie then?”
There had been more than a few times Regulus had to come up with excuse or lies. Translating 1970s wizard culture into 1990s muggle terminology was rather difficult and Will had called him weird several times, but he thought he was doing alright, and they eventually discovered they did have some common ground.
Will had turned fourteen a few days ago, so they were about the same age. They both liked reading, though Will read stuff called sci-fi and Regulus vaguely understood it was related to Star Wars. They both played chess and Will was apparently the best in his family just like Regulus. Will was even getting guitar lessons, though he was much further along than Regulus was at this point.
The two boys sat in silence for a little after that. Not the uncomfortable awkward silence Regulus was used to when around other people his age, but a nice, soothing quiet that left Regulus’ mind almost entirely free of thoughts. His breathing was even, his heart beat normally (apart from the times he made eye contact with Will and it just about beat out of his chest) and he found himself just neutrally observing everything around him.
He was mindlessly watching as Will fiddled with a little stick and pulled at some grass, when the boy in questions spoke up.
“So how much longer are you in London for?”
Instantly, the nice feeling was gone.
Regulus swallowed. His face went hot. Everything went hot.
Today is my last day…
“Oh um…” Shit. What was he supposed to say? He’d already mentioned having just moved in with his cousin. He couldn’t really say he was leaving today without it sounding weird. “Not sure yet…”
Not a total lie…
Will nodded and Regulus noticed him start fiddling with the grass with a little more vigour.
“Well, I was thinking… maybe… we can hang out again?”
Oh…
Regulus froze.
I can’t…
When Regulus made no attempt to answer, Wills face dropped a little and a wave of guilt came crashing over Regulus. He didn’t want to make Will sad. They were having fun. He liked Will. More than he should. And… well… he wanted to say yes. He wanted to accept Wills offer to hang out again.
“Disgrace to this family”, “Vile people”, “Unnatural behaviour”, “Completely selfish”
Regulus swallowed at the sound of his mother’s voice as he looked at Will. He was selfish.
“I…” Selfish, “I’d like that…”
Wills face immediately lit, his cheeks flushing slightly, and Regulus smiled at the sight.
Very, very selfish
“Wait here a second.”
Regulus tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as Will left then came back, still grinning as widely as ever.
He sat back down and just as Regulus was about to ask why he’d been told to wait, Will grabbed his hand and started writing on it with a pen.
What the…
“There you go.” Will released his hand and Regulus pulled it back, staring at it in complete and utter confusion.
“Just ask for Will and we can organise to hang out when you’re free.”
Regulus frowned as he looked at his hand. It was just a bunch of numbers… How was he supposed to ask numbers on his hand for Will? He was tempted to ask but… he didn’t want to look stupid… nor did he want to get Will’s hopes up…
“Thanks I’ll… ask for Will,” he nodded, trying to sound like he knew what was going on.
Will laughed and muttered something along the lines of being weird. Regulus didn’t mind.
“Also I was wondering. What did-”
The smile dropped from Wills face as he stopped mid-sentence looking over Regulus’ shoulder. His jaw tensed and he jumped backwards, putting an extra foot of distance between them and inhaling sharply.
“Remember how you said you ran away without permission…”
Oh no…
“Was one of them a really tall bloke with brown hair? Cause I think you’ve been caught…”
Oh please no…
The blood drained from Regulus’ face.
“Regulus?”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
---
Sirius
He’s alive. It’s okay. He’s coming back.
Sirius stared down at the potion in his hands, trying to force himself to finish it. It was disgusting but he had to sober up before Regulus came back. Before Remus got back. They couldn’t see him like this.
Just drink it. Regs alright. He’s safe now.
He tipped up the bottle and resisted the urge to gag as he swallowed the thick liquid.
Almost immediately Sirius began to feel its effects. The cloudy haze began to lift, and his bedroom stopped spinning. His hearing cleared and he could just make out the cars on the street outside. Even the pounding in his head was easing, as was the queasy feeling in his stomach.
Sirius leaned back, resting against the end of his bed as the potion continued working.
Merlin…
He hated this part.
The potion was incredibly effective. After taking a dose of the stuff it was as if you’d never had anything to drink in the first place. Which was brilliant for a witch or wizard who’d partied a little to hard but… for someone like Sirius? Who drank to escape from his feelings? Who spent hours everyday trying to resist the urge to pour himself a glass?
Sobering potions took him right back to where he’d been before giving in. It wasn’t pleasant.
Fuck…
Sirius took a deep breath as everything started rushing back. The guilt. The anger. The fear. All of it, all at once.
Regulus is safe. Remus has him. You haven’t lost him.
The words did little to ease the other voices in his head, screaming at him for being such an idiot. For being so careless and taking his eyes off Regulus. For not running faster. For not pulling out his wand faster. For not being a better brother.
They didn’t help cool the red-hot anger bubbling up inside him either. It was probably a good thing Molly and Arthur were out today. Then again… if they’d never left… the door would have been locked…
Sirius swallowed; his throat was already on fire.
He’s safe. He’s coming home.
Sirius pulled out his wand and filled the empty bottle with water. He took a sip and enjoyed the brief moment his mind was tricked. Drinking something was better than nothing.
He filled the glass another three times before finally standing up. He grabbed a fresh set of clothes and headed to the bathroom to rinse off. He avoided the mirror as he undressed. He always did after drinking. He didn’t want to see Orion.
”And neither does Reg,” he muttered through gritted teeth as he stepped into the shower.
Sirius washed quickly. Usually showers were helpful but… right now it was just reminding him of what Regulus had been doing. What he’d failed to notice.
“Pads please consider it. We can’t force him to get better and he won’t unless he actually tries.”
“And what if it doesn’t work? What if he tries everything and he still wants to do it? What then?”
“And what if we don’t give him a chance to help himself and one day, we make a mistake?”
“I won’t let that happen.”
Sirius turned off the tape and pressed his hands over his face, trying to get the conversation out of his head. It was to no avail. It had been echoing through his head from the moment Regulus had run.
Despite all the rules and precautions, they’d set up, Regulus had found a way to escape. A mistake had been made. And it was nothing but luck that Regulus had been found before attempting to take his life. He wasn’t getting better. If anything, Regulus was getting worse. What more were they supposed to do? They could force him to take potions but if they didn’t work he was hardly going to mention it. They could lock him in his room to keep him safe but what was the point of that?
“He needs motivation, Pads”
Sirius stepped out of the shower, drying himself before starting to get dressed.
Sirius knew what motivation could do for someone. He’d needed that kick to even want to try getting sober back during the war. It wasn’t until James and Lily had given him the ultimatum that he’d even seen the point. It hadn’t been easy but after a while Sirius found himself wanting to get better for himself, not just for Harry.
Was this the same? Would Regulus see the light halfway through and decide he really did want to try getting better?
Sirius let himself picture his brothers happy face. The one he’d glimpsed while Regulus had played guitar with him. The one he remembered from when he was young. The one he’d occasionally glimpsed from the other side of the great hall before it all turned sour.
I just want him to be free of this shit…
But was it worth the risk? Could he handle this risk? It wasn’t like he and Remus would just hand his brother a bottle of poison the moment he expressed it wasn’t working. There would be rules. Lots of them. They would probably end up risking a mind healer before they even got to the point of discussing it.
Merlin, Effie I wish I could talk to you about-
“Sirius, we’re back.”
Regulus.
Sirius yanked his shirt over his head and bolted out of the room.
“Remus? Reg?” he called out as he flew down the stairs.
“Living room.”
CRACK!
Sirius appeared right in the middle of the living room and barely had second passed between materialising and jumping forwards to pull his brother into the tightest hug he was capable of.
He’s safe. He’s right here. He’s alive.
“Reg… Fuck… I thought…”
He’s alright. He isn’t hurt. I have him.
“Sirius let go. I’m fine.”
Sirius gripped even tighter, “Bullshit you’re fine.”
“Fuck off Sirius.”
“I thought you were dead…”
“I wish I was.”
I know…
Sirius continued the embrace and despite Regulus’ earlier protests, he didn’t try pull away.
I’m going to make this right. You’re going to get better.
Sirius finally glanced over at Remus, who was leaning against the bookcase. His arms were crossed and he looked exhausted, staring down at the brothers. Grey eyes met brown and Sirius’ stomach flipped the way it always did when his Moony looked at him.
I love you, he mouthed. I love you so much.
The corners of Remus’ mouth curled up.
I love you too.
---
Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand beneath the table as he watched Regulus nod along to the rules. He was ready to scream and take his choice back just watching the relief spreading across his brothers features. But he didn’t. He held onto Remus and Remus held him back.
He’s going to get better. We’re just trying to give him a reason to try. It’ll be alright.
For the time being, the rules were essentially the same as what they’d been. Supervision, no sharp objects, timed bathroom access. The main difference was that Regulus was going to try being more open about how he was feeling and when he was feeling. He didn’t have too if he didn’t want, and they weren’t going to force him, but they were going to ask, and he was agreeing to try being as honest as he could be.
Going along with that, Remus had a book filled to the brim with ideas for coping with the issues Regulus was facing and had just given it to Regulus in hopes he might give them a try. He didn’t have to. No one was going to force him. But they were going to suggest it and encourage him.
“Do you think that sounds reasonable for now?”
Regulus nodded, “Yes that…” he glanced up at Sirius and Sirius tried his best to smile. Regulus swallowed and dropped his gaze back down to his empty plate, “That sounds fair…”
Sirius gave Remus’ hand another squeeze. Regulus did not think it sounded fair. That was obvious. But he was accepting it. Which was about the best reaction they could have hoped for.
“Alright then… If that’s all settled…” Remus turned to Sirius, smiling gently and giving his hand a squeeze back, “Are you alright if I head up for a shower?”
Not in the slightest, he wanted to say. Stay here and help me before I lose it, he wanted to beg.
But Sirius didn’t say that. Remus needed a break too. He glanced down at their entwined hands and tried to commit the image to memory. Slender, pale fingers laced through scarred tan ones. He looked back up, meeting Remus’ eye and nodded.
“We’ll be fine. Take your time.”
Remus nodded and suddenly Sirius’ hand was cold. Then he was alone with his brother.
They were silent for a good few minutes. Listening to Remus’ walk down the hall then make his way upstairs. Listening to each other’s breathing. Each sneaking nervous glances when they thought the other wasn’t looking.
Sirius was still trying to reassure himself that Regulus really was here. That he wasn’t passed out in the upstairs bathroom from too much alcohol imagining this whole thing. That Regulus was dead, and he’d finally cracked under the weight of the news.
Don’t think that way. He’s alive. He’s safe.
Sirius squeezed his own hand; picturing Remus was there beside him.
He’s right here. Everything is going to be ok.
Sirius gave his brother another quick glance.
He was leaning back in his seat, with his head tilted back. He was staring up at the ceiling. His chest was rising and falling. The only evidence that this morning had ever happened was the light pink sunburn covering his arms and cheeks. It looked uncomfortable.
Maybe I should offer to-
“Are you mad at me?”
Sirius blinked. He hadn’t been expecting that.
“Of course, I’m not mad at you. I’m worried but… I’m not mad.”
Regulus grabbed his arm, tightening his fingers around it.
“I’m mad at me…”
Oh…
Sirius swallowed.
“Whys that?”
Regulus took a deep breath.
“Because I’m stupid…”
Oh…
“Reg you aren’t stupid.”
More silence.
“I am. My mind is stupid. My body is stupid. Everything about me is just… stupid…”
“Reg just because you feel like this doesn’t make-”
“Yes it does. Everyone else is fine. You made it out and you had it way worse than me. Cissy is fine. Andy is fine. Bella is… fine in her own way I guess… and I’m just… stupid…”
He thinks… he doesn’t even realise…
“Reg… I’m not… you can’t compare yourself to everyone else. I know that from your perspective it looks like that but… we’ve all suffered in one way or another…”
“Yeah well… none of you had to be on suicide watch…”
Sirius blinked in surprise.
Wait he really doesn’t…
Sirius mentally slapped himself. Of course, Reg wouldn’t know that. He’d only found out because of the vault…
“Uncle Alphard was.”
Regulus stilled, “What?”
“Uncle Alphard. Remember how he left me his inheritance?”
“Yeh mum was pissed about it…”
“Yeh well… when I turned of age and tried to access it for the first time… I found his… goodbye note…”
Regulus didn’t answer and Sirius decided to let him process the information. Alphard had died the year before Sirius ran away. There was no word on how it happened and there was no funeral held. The only reason anyone knew about his passing was because a notice was sent out to Walburga as the head of house explaining that the inheritance was going to Sirius.
The first time he visited the vaults over the Christmas holidays with James in 1977, he’d spotted the letter on top of the piles of gold. His partner had been attacked by death eaters and he couldn’t cope with the guilt.
“I didn’t know that…”
“Yeh well… he didn’t want to give the family the satisfaction of thinking they’d won and Reg… I’m not perfect either…”
“I’m pretty sure Azkaban is a reasonable excuse…”
Sirius sighed.
“No Reg… I was having a hard time way before that… the difference was that I had the Potters to help me through it…”
And I abandoned you…
Regulus let out a long deep breath and leaned forward, dropping his gaze from the roof to his lap.
“It doesn’t matter Sirius… the damage is done… I’m… I’m too broken…”
Sirius’ throat tightened as he watched the hand Regulus had around his upper arm slide down, coming to rest over the scratched-up mark on his wrist. He started scratching at it.
“Reg?”
Regulus didn’t answer and the scratching continued.
“Regulus?”
No answer. More scratching.
“Reg, stop!”
Sirius pulled out his wand and pointed it at his brother ready to-
Regulus looked up. His nails digging into his arm and tears welling up in his eyes his eyes darted between the tip of the wand and Sirius.
His lower lip trembled as he scratched again…
“I can’t…”
Sirius waved his wand and Regulus’ hands sprung apart. Regulus’ browed furrowed and the muscles in his arm tensed, as he tried to force them back together. It was to no avail.
“Regulus come on we have to talk-”
“No… N-no… Please… P-Please one more time…. One last time and I’ll be good. Please S-Sirius…”
Stay calm. Just stay calm.
“Why Reg? Why do you need to do it?”
“Because… I-I need… p-please just let me…”
Sirius clenched his jaw as Regulus started breathing harder and harder trying to fight the spell.
I’m sorry bud…
“Come on Reg, try breath alright. Just-”
“No… I just… I-I just… let me… I want to…”
“What do you want, Reg?”
“I want… I-I want… to…”
Regulus leaned back in his chair, screwing his eyes shut as tears dripped down his cheeks and his arms shook.
“My… h-head… I w-want my h-head to stop…”
Sirius bit his lip, struggling not to turn away. Struggling to watch.
But I have too…
“It’s gonna stop soon. We just have to wait it out.”
“P-Please… it n-never s-st-stops… p-please… S-Sirius…”
“Please M-Moons… Please this is n-never going to s-stop… I can’t d-do this anymore…”
“I’m here. It’s alright. We’re going to wait together. I’m not leaving.”
Sirius lower his wand, making sure he kept his focus on holding the spell and moved toward his brother.
“Do you want to give something from the book-”
“N-No… it won’t w-work… just let… m-me… one m-more…”
Then we just have to wait it out…
The weight on Sirius’ chest pressed down even harder, crushing and unforgiving as Regulus struggled against the spell. He ran a hand through his hair, gripping it and pulling.
“It’s going to pa-”
Regulus cut him off with loud, choked sob and Sirius blinked back tears. His brother looked so young… so small… so tired… He wanted to take it all away. Wave his wand and have the pain drop away.
I have to do something…
Wand still in hand, Sirius summoned his guitar. He had no idea if this was really going to do anything for Regulus and maybe it was a little selfish, but he needed something to distract himself with too.
As he caught the instrument in his hand, he slipped his wand into his pocket and pulled out his chair.
Music is meant to be a good distraction
Sirius played the first note. Then the second. Then the third. Then the-
Regulus groaned opening his eyes to glare at Sirius.
“F-Fuck off… That w-won’t help… Just l-let m-me…”
Sirius ignored his request and kept playing. He needed the distraction just as much.
“I can’t do that Reg. Try focus on-”
Regulus groaned again, muttering more curses as the muscles in his arms tensed again from trying to force his hands together.
Just keep going. He’ll make it through.
Sirius kept playing. He didn’t bother with lyrics and focused on strumming.
It took a couple of loops through the song. More groaning and more begging but eventually Regulus stopped struggling against the spell. He stopped spitting curses and stopped shaking. He let his hands fall apart to either side of his body and let his eyes drift open as he watched Sirius play in silence. Even tapping his fingers along.
Quietly, Sirius let go of the spell.
He’s alright.