Chapter 24
Regulus
Regulus quickly grabbed the shirt Sirius had just placed on the bench, trying to ignore his reflection in the mirror as he hurriedly pulled it over his head and reached for his pants. He was freezing. The shower had been lukewarm at best and without all the steam, the bathroom air was like stepping outside at Hogwarts in midwinter.
Sirius may have saved him from hyperthermia but apparently, he was perfectly fine with Regulus succumbing to hypothermia. Idiot.
Regulus’ hands shook as he pulled on his pants, though he wasn’t sure if that was the cold or as a result of the jittery feeling he’d had since walking out of the shower to find Sirius and Remus arguing last night. Sirius had been livid and for the first time, Regulus had seen Remus losing his temper back. The churning in his stomach hadn’t gone away since then and his breathing was still shallow.
He shivered.
“Are you fucking kidding me? What is wrong with you? How could you do this without even asking me first?”
“Because I knew you’d react like this and he needs help now.”
“What? You think this isn’t a reasonable reaction to the fact you’ve given my little brother a suicide loophole?”
“That’s not what-”
“Or what about the part where you’ve just let him go in there alone knowing full well, he’s probably hurting himself as we fucking speak?”
“Pads just try-”
“Don’t fucking call me that.”
Regulus swallowed the lump in his throat and pushed open the bathroom door. He was surprised to find his brother sitting on the floor with his face pressed into his knees. His shoulders were shaking, and Regulus was fairly sure he could hear muffled sobs.
Oh…
The door clicked shut behind him, causing Sirius to lift his head and… yes… it had definitely been sobbing Regulus had heard. Sirius was red and splotchy. His cheeks were coated in thick streams of tears and his eyes were all puffed up.
“Oh… Reg you’re…” he wiped his cheeks, “you were quicker than I thought…”
Sirius eyed the exposed skin of his arms and Regulus found himself wanting to hide them under his sleeves. Neither of the cuts on his wrists had been that bad but he’d been picking at them instead of letting them heal and they were still rather red. Probably well on their way to scarring quite badly.
He didn’t have any sleeves though, so chose to fold his arms to try hide the marks.
Even as he moved Sirius didn’t readjust his gaze, instead letting his eyes fall on the fabric covering Regulus other scars. His expression hard and tears were still falling down his face. It was as if he was trying to find evidence. Searching him for signs that something had changed from the last time he’d seen him. Nothing had. As much as Regulus wished something had.
Regulus shifted uncomfortably as Sirius continued stare. This time he seemed the movement seemed to make him more aware of what he was doing. He blinked and wiped his eyes again.
“Sorry I didn’t think… do you want to grab a jumper before we have breakfast?”
This is why I did my hips
Sirius and Remus didn’t usually pay any attention to the marks but he didn’t want Molly and Arthur seeing them. Nor did he want the Weasley kids staring at him. He didn’t need to give them more reasons to think he was an insane Black.
It wasn’t like they were obviously self inflicted but that didn’t mean he wanted to waste his energy trying to piece together a believable story if they asked…
“Please…”
Sirius gave his eyes another rub before loudly exhaling and standing up.
Regulus looked at his feet as the tears on his brothers face were silently replaced with more.
I’m sorry
It was his fault that Sirius and Remus were upset with each other and he couldn’t bear to watch it. He needed to figure out a way out before he made things worse…
His breath hitched as graphic visions of himself forced their way in. Slicing his wrists. Jumping off the roof. Drinking potions. Hanging in his wardrobe. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
Regulus but his lip. Why couldn’t they just let him do what he wanted? He wasn’t supposed to be here anyway. He’d already died and they’d already grieved. Why couldn’t he just go back to that?
He listened to Sirius moving down the hallway to his room. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Regulus glanced up and saw that Sirius was rubbing his eyes again, blindly walking away with his back turned…
His heart skipped a beat and he shot a quick look toward the stairs. He looked back and saw that Sirius was still walking away. Still with his back turned…
Now
He had no idea where Remus was and he had no idea if he’d make it. But he couldn’t miss this chance.
Regulus turned and broke out into a run.
His feet pounded against the wooden floor and barley a second passed before he was thundering down the stairs.
He heard a shout. Sirius. He ignored whatever he said and kept moving. He had to keep out of Sirius’ sight or he’d get spelled him still. This was his chance. He couldn’t waste his chance.
Regulus almost to the bottom when he glanced over his shoulder.
Shit
He could hear Sirius nearly at the top.
No I can’t lose my chance…
Regulus jumped.
THUMP!
His feet smacked the floor and his ankles screamed in protest. But he didn’t stop.
Regulus didn’t looked back and he forced himself to keep running.
Move, move, move
He heard Sirius shout again. Still he ignored it. He didn’t even look. He couldn’t afford to waste any time.
He raced down the hall… Apollina’s portrait wasn’t far now. Just another corner.
CRACK!
Fuck
Regulus skidded to a holt as the unmistakable sound of apparation echoed down the hall he’d been just about to go down.
How did he know…
“REG? REG STOP!”
Regulus breathed in sharply and began backing up.
No…
He heard steps. Heavy thumping steps echoing down the hall toward him.
No, please, shit
Regulus twisted. Where the fuck was he supposed to go? He was trapped! That portrait was the only place he’d thought was safe but… FUCK. Sirius knew. He knew that was where he was going and he mustn’t have said anything just so if this sort of thing happened he’d be caught.
“REGULUS! STOP!”
Regulus twisted around. He had to get out. He had to move. But where could he go? There was nowhere left to hide in the-
Regulus’ eyes landed on the front door.
Nowhere left in the house…
“REG!”
Regulus rushed for the handle.
He wasn’t expecting it to work. Sirius and Remus had been painfully careful with keeping everything locked and he knew this had been included in that list.
If this had happened last week. Even a few days ago. He was certain that this wouldn’t have worked. But it wasn’t happening then. It was happening now. And right now? Molly and Arthur were living here. And it seemed one of them hadn’t been paying as close attention.
The handle clicked and the door swung open.
—-
Sirius
“REGULUS!”
He reached the top of the stairs, wand outstretched ready to stop his brother the moment he caught sigh of him but he was too late. He was already running down the hall.
Sirius didn’t hesitate.
CRACK!
Sirius landed the right in front of the portrait. That had to be where he was going. He didn’t know they knew about it.
“REG? REG STOP!”
He glanced around desperately but Regulus wasn’t here.
He mustn’t have made it yet
He started forward, rushing up the dark hallway to intercept him before he could find some other secret passage Sirius didn’t know about.
Why did I turn my back…
“REGULUS STOP!”
He sprinted. He ran. He moved.
He had to stop him. He had to.
Visions of his brother dying crowded his mind. The boggart. His brothers lifeless body on floor bleeding out from his wrists. Regulus hanging from the ceiling by his neck. Regulus drowning in the great lake.
No please Reg stop. Please stop.
“REG!”
Wand out, he turned the corner and-
No…
Regulus was there. He had the door open.
WHY IS THAT UNLOCKED?!
Sirius pointed his wand at his brother.
He can’t get out. He can’t leave. He can’t go-
But he was too late. Just as Sirius was about to mutter the incantation Regulus rushed forward. Out the door.
“REGULUS!”
Sirius ran.
“REG STOP!”
His chest tightened.
“REGULUS PLEASE”
His throat stung.
“STOP REG!”
Hid vision blurred.
“REGULUS!”
The door slammed shut.
“REG…”
Sirius’ knees buckled.
“R-REG…”
Sirius chocked.
“NO!”
Sirius screamed.
---
Sirius took another swig of firewhiskey as the patronus dissolved in front of his eyes.
Remus still hadn’t found him.
It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.
He took another drink.
---
Regulus
Regulus ran and ran and ran and ran. He sprinted down the pavement and dashed across the road leaving Grimmauld Place in his wake.
He didn’t have a plan and he didn’t care. He just had to get away and put as much space between himself and Sirius as possible.
He had no idea if Sirius would chase him, but he couldn’t just stand around and wait for him to catch up. He had to run. He had to get away.
Just keep going
The cool morning air prickled at Regulus’ skin as he ran through it and his damp hair wasn’t helping stay warm. But he pushed on. He passed the park by their house, and dashed across street after street with no pattern or plan to where he was going. He’d never gone this far before anyway and just kept running as quick as his legs would carry him, not giving himself a chance to think about what he was doing.
He crossed another road. He turned left, then right. It wasn’t until his lungs were burning and his breathing was so laboured that he was earning stares from passing muggles that he finally began slowing down. He was in the middle of a street that looked much like his own. Tall terraces lined this side of the street while the other looked like a big open park. Muggles were rushing around him, muttering to themselves and others, as noisy cars were piled up in traffic.
His stomach twisted as he began to realise how many people were around him.
I need to get off the street
Careful to avoid bumping into anyone, Regulus stepped off the footpath and onto the road. He weaved through the stopped cars and upon reaching the other side, entered the first park gate he came across.
It was much smaller than the one across from Grimmauld Place, barely a few hundred feet across. There was a thick perimeter of trees and shrubs surrounding a grassy field with a few footpaths, like the one he was walking along, all converging at the centre.
There were a few of people walking around. A couple of kids kicking a ball. A few dogs. But as he’d hoped the park was much quieter than the street he’d been on and he could feel the tightness in his chest easing.
I need to sit down
Just in case Sirius had somehow managed to follow him, Regulus opted to take a seat just inside the treeline. The grass was a little damp from the morning dew and his bare feet protested the cold, but he ignored it and sat himself down, hiding out of sight behind a few small shrubs.
Regulus leaned back and let himself lie down. His mothers voice screamed at him, urging him to get off the dirty ground before his ruined his clothes, but he did it anyway. His legs were a little cramped after the sudden sprint and he was still trying to get his breath back.
I’m out…
But now what was he going to do?
His wrists thumped in response and Regulus swallowed nervously.
That was the whole reason he’d run… Was this it? Was this the place where he was going to do it?
Regulus lifted his arms and stared at them. He pictured them bright red. Slit down the middle and oozing his stupid pure fucking blood all over the grass.
He could do it… No one could stop him… He finally had the choice…
His stomach flipped and Regulus let his arms flop down to his stomach.
I don’t have to keep pushing anymore… It’s over…
Regulus stared up at the sky. It was blue today. Not many clouds. It would probably be warm.
Fuck…
His throat tightened.
This is it…
Regulus blinked and a couple of tears escaped, running down his temple. His heart was beating through his chest. His stomach was churning.
I’m really going to die…
Regulus closed his eyes. He listened to the rustling leaves. He breathed in the crisp air. He noticed the grass poking him through his clothes.
He didn’t feel good exactly. He was scared about what was coming. Even wizards didn’t know for certain what came after death. But he wanted it. Merlin he wanted it so badly.
He heard a soft thump and more rustling. He heard a chirping bird. He heard his own breaths. Another tear trickled down Regulus’ cheek and he wiped it away as a quiet sob escaped his lips.
He wished it could be different. He didn’t want to die. He just wanted it all to go away. He wished so much that he would be better and not feel this way. That he could live. That he could be happy and free. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he got this life. That he was born into this family. That he was too weak to be what they wanted like Cissy and Bella and too weak to get out like Andy and Sirius.
Regulus choked out a strangled laugh.
I guess I’m the first to get out for real though…
The youngest and first to die. He’d already gotten that title once and turns out he’d claim it a second time. It was like proof he wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to die. It was fate.
He shivered.
I just wish-
“Oh sorry, I didn’t think… hey you didn’t see my ball did you?”
Regulus shot up, twisting around in the direction the voice had come from.
What the…
For a brief moment, Regulus was terrified that Sirius had found him. That somehow despite all that running he’d managed to track him all the way here and was going to drag him back to Grimmauld Place.
But as he stared the person just behind him, he relaxed. It wasn’t Sirius. Just a muggle.
Regulus glared at the intruder. Channelling his mother, so the boy would leave him alone.
Unfortunately for Regulus, the muggle didn’t seem to pick up on what he was trying to do and actually stepped closer. He was lightly tanned and had a head of dirty blonde hair that Regulus was pretty sure actually had specs of real dirt in it.
“Are you…” the boys brow furrowed, his blue eyes narrowing with concern, “Are you alright?”
Oh…
Regulus felt his cheeks heat up and he quickly wiped his eyes.
“I’m fine,” he spat, continuing to glare at the boy.
Go away.
Apparently, the boy still didn’t get the memo because he took another step forward.
“Oh… ok… well…” he gestured around the area, “did you see where my ball landed?”
Regulus groaned. He knew where this was going.
“No. I didn’t.”
The boys frown deepened, “I was just asking, you don’t have to be rude about it.”
“Well I didn’t see it, it’s not here, so go away.”
Regulus glared even harder. Maybe his mother had been right about him. He couldn’t even scare away a muggle. No wonder he couldn’t live up to what she needed him to be and-
Oh no. Don’t you fucking dare you stupid-
Too late. Regulus eyes prickled and he quickly swiped back the new wave of tears as they started to spill over, hoping the muggle boy didn’t notice. He wasn’t quick enough.
“Are you sure… I mean… are you sure you’re alright?”
Regulus gritted his teeth as he was forced to wipe away another set of tears.
Stop fucking crying you idiot…
“I’m… fine…” he muttered, already frustrated with how un-fine it sounded. He wasn’t playing this game. Regulus twisted back around to face away from the boy. He didn’t have to talk to a stupid muggle if he didn’t want to.
Regulus stared at the grass in front of him, waiting to hear rustling leaves and footsteps to indicate the muggle was on his way so he could get back to feeling sorry for himself as he figured out how the fuck he was going to kill himself.
That didn’t happen.
Instead of hearing the boy walk away, leaves rustled and twigs snapped as it sounded like the boy was walking further into his space.
Take a hint…
Regulus looked up and just as he was about to give the boy a piece of his mind, he caught a glimpse of a little white ball, about the size of a quaffle, under a bush a few meters away.
There. Now you can go away.
Regulus stuck his arm out, “Is that what you’re looking for?”
The walking sounds stopped.
“What?”
Oh for the love of Merlin...
“The ball?”
“Oh um… I can’t really see where your pointing…”
Regulus groaned. Of course. He didn’t just have to get an annoying muggle boy that didn’t understand what angry glares and go aways meant. He was also spatially challenged. No wonder the ball ended up here.
“Under the bush I’m pointing at.”
“Um…” The boy walked up next to him, crouching down to his level. “Where?”
Regulus swallowed. This boy was way too close. He could feel the heat radiating off him. Did he not understand personal space?
Just grab the ball and go.
Regulus shook his arm at the bush, doing his best not to glance at the boy’s face, “At the bush I’m pointing at.”
The muggle didn’t say anything and Regulus sighed out of frustration. He was just about to stand up and leave the idiot to his own ideocracy when…
Oh…
Regulus stomach flipped.
The muggle was leaning… borderline resting his head… on Regulus’ shoulder… staring down the length of his arm…
Regulus was frozen. His breath hitched and he was completely unable to move. Unable to speak. Unable to… What the hell was this kid doing? He opened his mouth to try and say something, but not only did he not know what to say, Regulus found that he couldn’t speak at all.
“I really can’t see where you mean…”
Regulus swallowed and-
Fuck…
His face burned.
The boy leaned even closer. So close that Regulus could feel the tips of his hair against his shoulder. Feel his beath on the skin of his arm. The warmth of his body so close. Too close. Way too close.
Regulus tried to move. He tried to make his body twist away, back into his own little bubble away from this muggle boy. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t even drop his arm.
The boy shifted again and-
Oh Merlin…
The boy lifted his head slightly, twisting it around to look at Regulus. Regulus didn’t mirror the action and kept his head firmly fixed in the direction of the ball. Regulus swallowed again. Fuck. Too close. Too close. This boy was too fucking close. His heart was ready to beat out of his chest. His face was on fire. His skin was tingling.
“Can you just show me where it is?”
No. Yes. No. Maybe. Yes. No.
Regulus opened his mouth to answer but… nothing came out. Oh Merlin. Why? Why now? Of all moments for this to happen. Of all times and all places. Now? Really?
Apparently, his lack of response was the correct way to go, because after a couple of seconds of waiting the boy very abruptly pulled away. Leaving Regulus cold as his warmth went with him.
At last Regulus relaxed. His arm dropped and he breathed in.
Fucking hell…
“Sorry,” the boy muttered, “Didn’t mean to freak you out.”
Could’ve fooled me, Regulus thought, but he held back on saying it and instead went with…
“Come on, I’ll just show you.”
Regulus didn’t give the boy another glance as he stood up and started making his way over to the ball. He really didn’t understand how the muggle hadn’t been able to see it.
Behind him, he heard the boy jump to his feet and quickly follow after him, the grass crunching underfoot.
Regulus reached the bush and for a split second as he bent down to pick up the ball, he panicked. What if he had been mistaken and that’s why the boy couldn’t see it? What he was the blind one? What if he was about to make a fool out of himself?
His bit his lip.
Too late now…
He reached out… beneath the twigs and leaves… right out to where he thought it was and…
Thank Merlin and Morgana
He curled his fingers and the ball rolled toward him.
“Oh god thank you so much. I probably never would have found that.”
Regulus grabbed the ball as it rolled out, picking it up and standing to give it to the boy. His cheeks warmed again as he faced the boy. Standing up, Regulus was reminded of just how much on the shorter side he was for his age. This kid clearly didn’t have that problem, towering over him by several inches.
Regulus’ throated tightened and he forced himself not to step backwards.
The muggle boy seemed completely oblivious to Regulus’ inner turmoil and was grinning ear to ear as he took the ball in his own hands.
Regulus was just about to tell him it was time for him to leave, but the boy jumped in first.
“Do you want to come kick it around with me?” he asked, still grinning and looking down warmly at Regulus.
Regulus’ stomach flipped.
No. No. Bad idea. Don’t. No.
“I… I don’t…”
The boy pouted, “Please? My sister just ditched me for work and my mates aren’t gonna be here until lunchtime.”
Regulus stared at the boy. His happy smile. His sun kissed skin. His shining eyes.
Regulus felt his something inside him twist and he looked down at his feet hoping it didn’t show on his face. He knew this feeling… he knew what this was… He knew that this boy had no idea what was going on and that he was just looking for a random kid to play with while he waited for his actual friends…
And yet… Maybe he deserved to indulge just this once… One final thing before he… one thing for himself…
He schooled his features as best he could and took a deep breath. He glanced back up the boy.
He knew it was selfish. His mothers voice was screaming at him to remind him of that very fact. He felt dirty. He felt like he was being a creep. Like he was lying. Like he was doing something wrong by just interacting with this boy… but…
It’s just kicking a ball… One last bit of fun…
Regulus swallowed and made his choice.
“Okay… I’ll play…”
Immediately the boys face lit up and he let out a huge, exaggerated sigh of relief. Regulus found his own lips curling upwards at the display.
“Lifesaver. Honestly I was worried I was going to go nuts kicking it to myself while waiting.” He stretched out his hand, “I’m Will by the way. What’s your name?”
Regulus shook Will’s hand nervously, trying to control heart rate at the contact.
“R-Regulus…”
“Oh cool, like the star?”
Regulus’ jaw dropped. How in the world did he know that?
His reaction didn’t go unnoticed by Will. His smiled turned to a frown.
“What? Did I say something wrong?”
Regulus quickly shook his head, “No, not at all. I just… surprised you know that. I usually have to explain it.”
“Oh… phew…” Wills face returned to a grin, “Well you can thank my 11-year-old self for that. Went through a massive ‘I wanna be an astronaut’ phase and decided to learn as much Astronomy stuff as I could.”
He stepped back and gestured for Regulus follow. Regulus did so, falling into stride beside the taller boy.
“Astronaut phase?” Regulus enquired. He’d heard that word somewhere before, but he really had no idea what it meant or how it related to Astronomy.
“Yeh, it wore off pretty much a month after Mum and Dad got me a bunch of space stuff for Christmas.”
They reached the tree line and Will chucked the ball out ahead of them and gave Regulus a little bow.
“After you…”
Regulus quickly made his exit, blushing madly and hoping it wasn’t too obvious. The last thing he wanted was for this muggle to figure out what he was and decide to beat him up for trying to infect him or something.
Unless he’s also…
Regulus pushed that thought down the moment it reared its head. He wasn’t that lucky.
“So what phase are you in now?”
Will followed him through, walking right up beside him again.
I mean he does seem to like getting really close…
Regulus mentally slapped him for the thought. Will just didn’t understand boundaries that didn’t make him… like that.
“Well, I’m thinking about something in health. Maybe a doctor or something? Not really fussed at this point but I do know constellations facts aren’t going to be important.”
Regulus grinned. He knew doctor. That was a muggle healer. They were talking about jobs.
“Maybe you could be an astronaut doctor?”
Will laughed and Regulus almost melted at the sound. It was light and warm and Merlin he needed to get a grip.
“I think we should both just focus on being football players right now.”
Will dashed forward, giving Regulus a friendly push to get ahead.
One last bit of fun…