Chapter 21
Sirius
This is ridiculous
Sirius tore off the front page of the daily prophet, scrunching it into a tiny ball and tossing it at the wall. Fudge was going to get them all killed if he kept this up. It was one thing to pass off the Diggory boys death as accident, but letting them publish these outlandish conspiracy theories? First it was an accident, then it was himself, now it was Crouch. It was like Fudge was just trying to put out as many names as possible to fight the fact Voldemort was the name everyone should have been focussed on.
“More bad news?” Remus asked from the seat just across from him.
Sirius sighed and tossed the paper on the table, “Just more crap about-” He stopped himself, glancing over at Regulus, who was still just staring at his half-eaten sandwich.
Probably best to leave that for now…
“-just them making shit up.”
“Nothing unusual then.”
Sirius nodded and reached out to pick up his empty plate, “You done?”
“Yes, thank you,” Remus smiled, lifting his up.
Sirius grabbed it and stacked it on top of his own plate. He glanced down at Regulus who hadn’t made a move to eating anymore of his lunch in the last twenty minutes. He sighed and picked up the plate.
Maybe I can convince him to pick at some fruit or something
Sirius dumped the leftovers in the bin and rinsed the plates, drying them off with a tea towel. He unlocked the cupboards, placed them inside, then relocked them. He wished he could just go back to letting them airdry on the counter…
“I feel like I’m already dead.”
Sirius wound the tea towel tightly around his fists as the images of his brother flashed through his mind. Regulus sleeping in that room with his cuts on display. Regulus holding that ceramic to his skin, letting it press into his wrist. Regulus clawing open his side with his nails.
I don’t think I’m ever going to full trust him again
He dropped the tea towel over the sink tap and turned around, leaning against the counter. Remus had picked up the paper and had a pencil in his hand, writing on it while Regulus was leaned over reading with him. They were muttering back and forth to each other, and Sirius rolled his eyes as he realised, they were playing the crossword.
Bloody nerds
But he let a smile creep onto his face as he thought it. Remus had taken to Regulus better than Sirius could have imagined, and he was beyond grateful for it. It made him wish they’d been better introduced back in their school days… they probably would have made pretty good friends…
“Hey guys I’m gonna head up to the study, Molly and Arthur should be arriving shortly.”
“Yeah ok”
“Sure thing”
They didn’t even look up from the page they were reading. Sirius shook his head and exited the room, leaving them to their game. He didn’t get the appeal, but he was glad they seemed to find it enjoyable. At the very least he hoped it was keeping Regulus relaxed about the incoming meeting.
He certainly wished he had a distraction. He was dreading it just as much as Regulus, possibly even more given he knew more about her. Still, he was going to be as polite and composed as he could manage. He was really looking forward to the shipment of calming draughts Snape was supposed to be bringing with him at the end of this week. He was planning to ask Regulus if he wanted to try one, though he had a feeling he knew what the answer was going to be.
Sirius pulled out his wand, unlocked the study door and stepped inside. He kept close to the doorway as he waited. After these two arrived, the floo was going to be disconnected for travel, only calls would be possible to help control access to headquarters. They couldn’t risk people stumbling through by mistake, the fidelius didn’t counteract mispronunciations.
Suddenly the fireplace started sparking up, flames suddenly roaring to life and green light flooded the room.
Here we go
The flames shot up, a great fiery wall filling the fireplace and a tall red headed man emerged, carrying a tightly packed duffle bag. He stumbled forwards and gave Sirius a friendly wave.
“And you must be Sirius? I’m Arthur,” he extended his ham and Sirius took it. “Must say it was a right shock when Dumbledore told us the news last year, very sorry about everything that went down.”
Sirius grimaced at the reminder but tried to cover it up with his own polite smile. “Yes well, mustn’t complain, things to do.”
“Right you are,” Arthur replied, pulling back just as the fireplace lit up again and Molly stepped out from the flames. She had two duffle bags swung over her shoulders, just as tightly packed as Arthurs. The moment she emerged her eyes went straight to Sirius, looking him up and down with a tight expression, forcing a smile that was very clearly insincere.
To be completely fair she had thought him a mass murdering traitorous death eater for nearly thirteen years, then he badly bit her son’s leg as Padfoot and scared Ron, Hermione and Harry half to death in the shrieking shack. Still, it didn’t sting any less seeing that look in her eyes. That suspicious glint he was so used to people having the moment they learned what family he was from.
Just be nice
“Nice to meet you, Molly,” he extended his hand the same and she took it, shaking it firmly. “Harry speaks very highly of you. I’m very grateful for what you’ve done for him.”
It wasn’t a lie, he was very grateful that Harry had found such a kind family to take him in. Even if Molly wasn’t his favourite person, she meant well and that counted for a lot in Sirius’ books. She was no Effie, but she was Harry’s Effie. Not that he liked thinking about the fact Harry needed one of those.
“Thank you. Nice to meet you too.” She replied simply, stepping back beside Arthur and adjusting the straps of her bags as her face remained in a forced smile.
Could try a little harder to pretend
An awkward second of silence passed and Sirius coughed to clear the air, “So…” he started, gesturing toward the door. “I guess I should give you a tour? Show you your room?”
“That’d be great Sirius,” Arthur replied, nudging Molly who gave an affirmative sounding hum.
Lovely
As they stepped out of the office, Sirius locked the door behind them.
“You guys will be sharing one of the spares downstairs we’ve cleared out.” He pointed up and down the hallway, “Nothing much up here, just the master, which isn’t useable, bathroom, the study, my room and my-” he paused, trying to figure out how to word this. “My cousins room.”
They both nodded and he continued, “Some rooms are spelled shut, like this one. A lot of the rooms have curses and jinxes we are still working on breaking, so we’ve decided to lock them to prevent any accidents. Just a simple locking charm, to deter the kids.”
Sirius led them downstairs, “So just down there is the front door, then that hallway leads to the living room and library. Library is one of the locked doors, books in there make the restricted section at Hogwarts look like children’s play.”
He tried to make the last part come off as a bit of joke, but Molly just raised her eyebrows in not-so-subtle judgement. Honestly, it wasn’t his fault the Blacks liked experimenting with Dark magic. Besides he knew for a fact there were a few books in there written by Prewetts so she didn’t have a leg to stand on if she wanted to play that game.
“Anyway,” he coughed, “those front two rooms are clear, the first has its own bathroom but the third is still out of action.”
He pointed toward the other hallway and led them through it, walking past where the old tapestry had been that Sirius had managed to get removed with the help of Bill.
“First, fourth and fifth room are no go zones at this point still. The second is just a bathroom and the third is going to be yours.” He stopped just outside the door before adding, “Thought you two would like one of the ensuite rooms.”
“Thank you, Sirius. That’s much appreciated,” Arthur smiled.
Sirius gave him a curt nod. He was about to leave them to unpack when Molly interjected, “Is Remus still staying here? I thought Albus mentioned he was, but the rooms…”
Sirius felt his cheeks grow slightly warm and he prayed to Merlin and Morgana that he wasn’t going red.
“Oh yes he is here. He’s just going to share with me for now since we don’t have enough for everyone separately.”
Molly nodded, “That’s very nice of him, wouldn’t expect any less based on what the kids have all said about his teaching. Is he around now?”
Just go in your room
“Just in the kitchen with Regulus.”
Molly’s smile dipped slightly at the name and her lips pursed. Clearly, she had already developed an opinion about him. It didn’t really surprise Sirius, but it was still frustrating. They’d been hoping the fact he was supposed to be a half-blood would help dimmish the whole pureblood supremacy the Blacks were known for. Apparently not.
“Ahh yes… that son of Cygnus Black?”
Of course, that’s the part you bring up
“Yes, Regulus,” he made a point of saying his name. “His mother raised him till she passed recently.”
She opened her mouth, but Arthur cut in, “Yes very unfortunate for the poor child. Very lucky that Dumbledore has given him a safe place under all this uncertainty. Right Molly?”
Sirius stayed silent as he watched Molly glare up at her husband, pursing her lips. Arthur glared back her, raising his eyebrows before she rolled huffed and turned back to Sirius, plastering on that fake smile again.
“Yes, very lucky,” she said stiffly. “Shall we come introduce ourselves before we settle in?”
“Molly perhaps-”
“Nonsense Arthur, we’re all going to be living together for a while so we may as well get acquainted.”
Sirius smiled, biting back the retort he really wanted to say right now.
“It’s fine Arthur. Best get it out of the way.”
Arthur smiled weakly, eyes darting down to Molly apprehensively, before nodding and muttering a quiet “yes alright.” Molly seemed happy enough with this and dumped the bags she was carrying on the spot. Arthur did the same and Sirius led them back down the hallway, toward the kitchen.
As they approached, he could hear Remus and Regulus still talking about what he sounded like the crossword.
“I still say its Caelitus.”
“It specifically mentions stars, it has to be more specific than that.”
“Yes but there’s no evidence for Aquarius.”
“It fits and the question mentions water.”
“And stars are in the sky and water falls from the heavens.”
“But that-”
Sirius pushed open the door and immediately Regulus stopped speaking, his head twisting around to the door. As he read the scene and likely realised who was about to enter, his eyes widened and face hardened, sitting back in his chair like he’d turned on some kind of switch. He probably had.
“Figured we would get introductions out of the way,” Sirius said, coming through the door with Molly and Arthur right behind.
Regulus put his hands in his lap and nodded, while Remus put the paper down and stood to meet the other adults, “Good afternoon,” he said, extending his hand, “I’m Remus.”
Molly took it first smiling much more earnestly now, “Oh its lovely to meet you Remus, I’m Molly. The kids have said so many kind things about you. Best defence teacher they’ve had. All miss you dearly.”
Remus blushed and chuckled nervously, “I just explained what was in the books.”
Sirius had to try very hard to resist the urge to reach out and hold his other hand. He hated when Remus downplayed his skills. He was a brilliant tutor during their Hogwarts years, and he’d always said he would teach if it weren’t for his condition getting in the way.
He settled for raising his eyebrows at him in a very ‘don’t think I didn’t miss what you’re doing’ manner, which Remus rolled his eyes at, adding on, “But I appreciate it, thank you Molly.”
Much better, Sirius grinned.
Molly pulled back and Arthur took his turn introducing himself, “I hope the twins didn’t cause you too much grief.”
Remus laughed at his, “Oh not at all. I found them quite entertaining, very talented too. Reminded me a little of Sirius and James back in our days.”
Arthur laughed at this, though Molly seemed a little less entertained by the comparison. Her eyes darting to Sirius, her smile souring slightly. He had a feeling this was her gathering more evidence that he was some irresponsible troublemaker.
Just ignore it
Sirius glanced over at Regulus, nodding toward the Weasleys, trying to encourage him to introduce himself but Regulus just stared back at Sirius blankly. Twisting his fingers together and sitting stiffly in his chair.
“And this,” Sirius started, walking over to stand just in front of his brother, “is Regulus.”
At that, Molly and Arthur both turned their attention from Remus and glanced over to the table. Regulus swallowed at the sudden attention, but hid it well, his facing shifting into a more welcoming expression.
“Good afternoon,” he said duly.
Sirius winced seeing him take on the formal tone. It was exactly how they’d been taught.
Arthur was the first to speak, smiling down at him, “Nice to meet you Regulus, I’m Arthur.
Regulus nodded, “Likewise.”
There was a brief moment of silence before Molly spoke. Unlike with Sirius, she was putting much more effort into hiding what she was thinking. Perhaps most kids would miss it, but Sirius knew there was no way his brother would. Her smile was wide, but a little too much. Her eyes shone, but a little too bright. It wasn’t malicious, but it was definitely suspicious.
“I’m Molly,” she said very warmly, walking toward Regulus with her arms outstretched, “It is lovely to meet you, my boy.”
Sirius realised what she was about to do and was about to jump forwards to stop her but Regulus was faster. Standing up and sticking out his hand, blocking her approach, “Yes, nice to meet you too.”
Molly stopped in her tracks, her smile fading for a second, but she recovered quickly, encasing his hand with both hers. Regulus visibly stiffened at the contact but managed to keep a pleasant expression and let her shake his hand.
“I think you’re a little younger than our boys but I’m sure you’ll all get along just nicely.”
Regulus swallowed and nodded, glancing uncomfortably down at the hand still firmly held by Molly, “I suppose so.”
“Do you have any hobbies? Favourite school subjects?”
“Um…” Sirius doubted Regulus had much experience meeting people with so many questions, and it was clear he was nervous. Most adults barely bothered with a name, let alone personal questions. He watched as Regulus tried to step back, but he was already so close to the chair, he couldn’t get very far. “I um… reading I guess… and um… chess-”
Molly lit up, and seemed to step forward, closing the already small gap between Regulus and herself. “Oh Ron loves chess, maybe you two could play.”
Regulus glanced up at Sirius, the plea in his eyes clear, before trying to give Molly a weak smile. He tried again to step back, but he knocked into the chair.
“Um… yes… I guess…”
That’s it
Sirius stepped forward, reaching out to grab his brother’s wrist, wrenching it free from her grasp.
“Regulus is too polite to say anything, but he isn’t the biggest fan of touching,” he said as calmly as he could.
Molly glared up at Sirius but stepped back, allowing Regulus some room to breath.
Immediately Regulus relaxed. The tension dropped out of his shoulders, and he let out a short breath, pulling out of Sirius grip and twisting his hands back together.
Molly stared down at Regulus and Sirius could see the gears turning in her head as she gave him another once over, a glint of something that looked far too much like triumph shimmering in her eyes.
“Terribly sorry dear, I didn’t realise. Just speak up next time, I’m just trying to get to know you.” She met Regulus’ eye.
Regulus swallowed and looked down at the floor, “Yes, of course.” He muttered, tugging at his sleeves.
Molly gleamed and Sirius clenched his fists.
She’s figured out he isn’t a threat
“Well,” Molly announced, putting her hands together. “I suppose Arthur and I should probably go and get settled in. I’m sure we can discuss all the household ground rules a little later.” She turned back to her husband, grabbing his arm and dragging him out the door, the two of them throwing out a “Lovely to meet you all” over their shoulders as the door swung shut behind them.
---
Regulus
As the kitchen door clicked shut, the muscles in Regulus’ legs grew limp and he collapsed back down on the seat behind him, the heavy pressure inside his chest easing as he sucked in shallow breaths. He placed his hands in his lap and started rubbing them together, trying to scrape off the sticky touch of that woman’s hands.
It’s gone. They’re gone. She’s gone.
Regulus had been playing this game from the moment he was born. Silent unless spoken to. Concise and direct responses only. Complying to every request. It was how he survived, and it always worked.
Except on Molly Weasley
The moment she’d laid eyes on him, he’d seen it. The suspicion, the doubt. The way she’d dug for information, looking for a sign he was what she expected him to be. His skin had been crawling and though Remus had told him to just act the way he did with them; his habits were too deeply ingrained, and his mask had slipped on the moment she came through the door.
Then she broke all the rules. She asked him too many questions and charged into his personal space. His mask wasn’t built for that. He wasn’t prepared for that. He slipped up and she saw it. She saw straight through his facade and saw what was beneath.
At least she doesn’t suspect me, he tried to bargain.
That glint of triumph in her eye when he’d shut down, told her everything she wanted to know. That he was weak. That he was nothing more than a pathetic child who wouldn’t pose a threat to her family. At least not yet. Maybe if he had a different name, if he was from another family and had a different face, she would have been sympathetic. But no. He was a Black. Born to a line of madness and misery, known for their wrath and misery. He was crazy until proven otherwise.
And Regulus hadn’t proved he wasn’t. She was just satisfied that his crazy was more corrosive than destructive for now.
He hated how transparent he’d allowed himself to be.
It was from being here, with Sirius and Remus. He knew it was. He’d let himself get weak. If his parents were here right now, he knew for a fact he’d be under some kind of curse for letting himself react so childishly.
Regulus screwed up his eyes. He could still feel her clammy hands on his.
Get off. Get off. Get off.
He swallowed, trying to ignore the pinching in his throat.
Shame. Confusion. Disappointment. Frustration.
He had no idea which was the perpetrator right now, but whatever it was he was fighting a losing battle.
“Remus, I swear if she is going to-”
“I know and I agree, but we don’t have much choice here.”
“But she can’t just… She has how many kids? And she couldn’t think of a better way to approach this?”
Regulus heard Remus stepping forwards, and there was a soft rustle of a hand combing through hair.
“I’ll try talk with her, don’t stress yourself out. You can’t control how she behaves.”
Regulus took a deep, silent breath and looked up to see Sirius pressing his face into Remus’ shoulder and Remus weaving a hand through his curls.
Remus made eye contact with Regulus and mouthed ‘Are you okay?’
Regulus clenched his hands into fists. He wasn’t, but he nodded anyway, mouthing back, ‘yes.’
He must have been convincing enough, because Remus turned his attention back to Sirius, curling his free arm around his waist and whispering something into his ear.
Regulus ignored it and looked back down at his feet as he swung them back and forth, scuffing the floor. His chest was pounding.
Just ignore it
But he really wasn’t the sort of person who could just ignore it. He had to get rid of it. He had to take action and make it go away or it would just get worse. And it was already worse.
He’d been feeling awful for most of yesterday and woken up feeling just as bad. Then he’d had that stupid moment in his brother’s room, breaking down yet again and proving once more how unstable he was. No wonder Molly had been so quick to figure him out. He was a walking display of madness and now Sirius was getting even more stressed because he wasn’t doing enough to keep it contained.
“Be better, Regulus”, “You’re never going to be good enough”, “Grow up”, “Stop acting like a child”
He wanted too. He so desperately wanted too.
But I can’t… I’m just… me…
Regulus bit his lip, scrunching his eyes closed as they started to sting. He wasn’t going to cry. He’d already made enough of a scene today, that wasn’t going to help anyone. He had to deal with this on his own.
He stifled a breath. His fists were curled so tightly now he was sure Remus would start smelling blood any minute now.
Stop it. Stop it. Keep it down.
He pushed back, but he had to be careful. He couldn’t push too far or he’d fall off the edge. The conflicting urges tore him back and forth, as he tried to zone out but tried holding onto his anchor. His stomach twisted and his chest gave a painful swoop.
This isn’t working.
He needed to hurt. He needed to feel something that would let him out of his head.
His side throbbed at the mere thought, crying out for attention, begging to be sliced apart. Merlin, he wanted it. He wanted his scalpel. He wanted to feel the cold metal in his hand, drag it across himself and let it tear through the threads of his skin. He’d settle for that pen nib. He’d take back that shard of ceramic.
Regulus opened his eyes, flipping up his forearms, letting his eyes flicker over his sleeve, picturing the skin beneath them. He could do it. He could do it all the way… Just like in his dreams…
Regulus let one hand trace the length of his sleeve, pressing gently and imagining his finger with a sharpened point. His skin prickled and his heart squeezed. He pictured himself pressing a blade into his wrist, cutting through the skin and his arm splitting apart.
Sirius words from this morning echoed in his mind.
“You have to talk to me”
Regulus pushed them away.
I can’t
Because Sirius wanted him to stop, and Regulus didn’t. He just wanted to earn back their trust so he could go back to what worked.
But it doesn’t work…
Regulus pushed that away too and his stomach gave another twist. He needed to stop this. He needed something to put a stop to this now.
But what can I…
Regulus blinked. That was it.
He took a deep breath, steadying his chest so he could control his voice. He glanced up and found his brother was still wrapped up in Remus’ arms. Another punch of guilt struck his stomach as he realised, he was going to force them apart again if he asked this. He swallowed and selfishly hoped the relief would drown this out too.
“Um… Remus? Sirius?”
Remus looked up and Sirius’ head whipped around.
“I just… I was wondering if I could maybe have a shower? Get it out of the way early?”
He felt stupid for asking. It sounded like such a silly request, but he needed something. He needed to hurt before he lost it and this was the only way he could.
Sirius immediately started nodding vigorously, pulling away from Remus and jumping into a ramble, “Yes of course. That’s fine. Yes. Anything. Sure. Showers are good. Relaxing. That’s fine.”
Regulus forced his expression to remain neutral as relief flooded him. He couldn’t give them any indication that this was anything more to him than just a quick wash. It was the only time he got that was completely his own and he couldn’t risk losing it.
“Wanna head up now? We can go now. I don’t mind. Let’s go. Come on. No trouble.”
Sirius started for the door as he just kept rambling, letting his hand slip out of Remus’. Regulus did his best to ignore the worried look on Remus’ face as they parted, and quickly followed his brother out of the room.
I’m sorry…
They climbed the stairs and the whole time Sirius kept talking a million miles an hour. Saying everything and nothing, just spouting words for the sake of speaking. Regulus tuned it out and silently hoped Remus would come up once he was in. He was being so selfish for this…
You’ll get what you deserve in a minute
Regulus clenched his fists. He hoped so.
They reached the bathroom and Sirius said he would just grab Regulus a chance of clothes while he was in there.
“Towel and robe are there. I’ll grab you some clothes. Sound good? Sounds good I think. Good plan. I’ll start the timer. Jump in. Five minutes. I’ll be just here.”
Regulus shut the bathroom door and didn’t waste any time. He was so close. So close.
He surged with anticipation. The relief of what was coming, already setting in. His heart raced and he undressed as quickly as he could. He climbed into the shower and twisted the taps, straight to a temperature he knew would burn.
The water sounded and-
Regulus huffed with relief as scalding water, rained down across his scarred body.
He stood dead still as the sudden heat burnt through him, enjoying the painful sting as his skin protested the hot rain. It was good, so good. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he twisted.
Shit-
His breath hitched, as the water came down directly onto his side, but he didn’t move. He held his position, letting the hot water seep through the wounded flesh, melting away the scabbing skin to allow spikes of pain shoot out through his torso.
His body acclimated far too quickly, and Regulus he reached down to the tap and gave it another twist. He needed more. He needed to hurt.
He flinched out of the stream as the water grew hotter, but Regulus forced himself back under it. Revelling in the sharp stabs against his body. Enjoying the burn. Relaxing into the sting.
As more seconds passed, his mind melted away with the heat. The hot steam filled his lungs and his racing thoughts slowed down. The molten water trailed down his body, unknotting the tension muscle by muscle, unravelling everything. Washing away the guilt over his brother. Getting rid of that women’s touch.
This was the one thing they couldn’t take away. The only thing he had left. It wasn’t as good as his scalpel, but it was a good alternative. The closest thing he could get under these circumstances.
Sirius didn’t know. Remus didn’t know. The only person he was hurting was himself.
Regulus gave the tap another twist and a new surge of scorching water, burned down on him. He made sure to let it cut through his side. Let the shallow cut on his wrist be burned open too. It was good. The sting was good.
He could stand here all night and happily burn until his skin blistered.
Regulus sucked in a deep breath, letting the steam enter his lungs and burn him from the inside out. The heat was all over, in his chest, on his skin, in his head, clearing out everything that wasn’t hurt.
A little more
He twisted the tap once more.
He gasped.
“Fuck…” he muttered as the scalding water hit him. It hurt so much. Fuck. His skin screamed for him to move. He didn’t. He held himself still and took the pain. He needed it.
Regulus took another deep breath. The vapor hurt his chest as the humid air filled his lungs. He ignored it. It was worth it. Everything was slipping away. All his worries. All his stress. It was washing out down the drain.
He stepped out of the stream for a second and pressed his forehead against the cool tiles, closing his eyes. The rhythmic pitter patter of water filled his ears and he let his mind go fuzzy, slumping against the wall.
He’d always enjoyed hot showers. It was a mystery he’d never thought of this before. Even out of the water, he could feel his skin throbbing, angry at him for letting it burn. He didn’t care. He liked the anger. He liked the pain.