Chapter 22
Sirius
“This is hopeless…” Regulus huffed, flopping back against the wardrobe door.
“It’s not hopeless, you just have to keep practicing.”
Regulus glared at him and gave the guitar an aggressive, and very out of tune strum, “There. I practiced.”
Sirius rolled over and pressed his face into Remus’ chest, trying to muffle his amused laugh.
And he calls me dramatic
“I wouldn’t laugh too hard, Pads. It’s not Regs fault he doesn’t have an obsession with impressing his best mate to motivate him.”
“Excuse me,” Sirius titled his head up to see Remus smirking at his book. “I thought you liked when I did that.”
Remus’ smirk deepened and he tightened his arm around Sirius, “Oh did I?”
Sirius pouted, “Yes, you did.”
Remus pulled his attention away from his page and met Sirius eyes, grinning down at him. “You’re right. I did. It was very sweet.”
Sirius smiled back, gripping Remus’ waist a little tighter, “I knew it was a good idea.”
“And I want to vomit,” Regulus called out from his spot on the floor.
Sirius and Remus both chuckled.
“Sorry, Reg,” Remus called out.
“I’m not,” Sirius followed up.
Regulus groaned, which only served to encourage their laughter.
They were hiding out in Sirius (and Remus’) room, attempting to get through Regs second guitar lesson. It wasn’t going as well as the first day, and Regulus’ patience was really starting to wear thin. It had taken him a good hour to relearn the chords and how to switch between.
“UHhh, I had this perfect the other day.”
He’d gotten there eventually, though his strumming was getting a little more aggressive than was strictly necessary, and now he was trying to practice the intro. Sirius had suggested he just get the order right first, AAEEAA, but Regulus had insisted on trying to do in the correct strumming pattern.
“It’s a waste of time learning it a completely different way.”
Usually, Sirius would have agreed and just said go for it, but Regulus was struggling so he was trying to lightly convince him to stick with one or the other. Without much success.
“Sirius can you please show me this again. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.”
Sirius pressed his face back into Remus and unsuccessfully tried to supress a groan. His patience was also wearing thin.
“Remus it’s your turn,” he grumbled, just loud enough for Remus to hear.
“I think that might be a little difficult considering I can’t play,” he whispered back.
“Worth a try?”
Remus lifted his arm away and gave shoved his shoulder, “Go help your brother.”
Sirius groaned.
Git
“Alright, Reg. Gimme a sec.”
Sirius reluctantly rolled over and sat up, stretching his arms up above his head before standing and walking over to where Regulus was sitting on the floor.
The guitar was laying flat over his outstretched legs, and he was plucking the strings back and forth impatiently, his brows pinched together.
“So which part did you need help with?”
Regulus glared at him and flicked the strings loudly, “All of it.”
Right
Sirius sat down across from him, cursing his decade in Azkaban as his knees cracked.
“Old man…” Regulus muttered as he passed the guitar over.
Sirius decided to very graciously ignore that comment and pulled the guitar into his lap.
“Alright…” Sirius looked down at the strings and positioned his fingers. “So this is A,” he strummed. “And this is E,” he strummed again, glancing up at Regulus to make sure he’d understood.
Regulus nodded, so he continued.
“And this is the order…” He played the chords. “A, A, E, E, A, A.”
Regulus frowned, “You didn’t play it right.”
Sirius sighed, “Yes I know. I just think it would be easier to either focus on the order or the pattern first.”
“And I said that’s dumb. Just do it right.”
Sirius ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath in.
So Merlin please help me
Was he this pushy when he learned? Was this karma? It probably was. He had been very resistant to changing songs.
“Alright. I’ll play it right, but I’ve given you my advice so no more whinging about it being too hard.”
“I was not whinging.”
Sirius scoffed, “Sounded like it to me.”
“Piss off.”
“So you don’t want me to show you?”
“I didn’t say that-”
“Well you said piss off so I wanted to-”
“For the love of-”
“Do you two mind?” Remus’ sharp voice suddenly cut through their bickering and Sirius whipping his head around to the bed. “I’m trying very hard to read here and you’re both making it quite difficult to focus. Sirius just play the damn song for him.”
“Oi,” Sirius scoffed. “This is treason. You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“Sirius, the only side I’m on is the one that lets me read in peace and you’re currently getting in the way of that.”
“Moonyyyy”
“Look who’s whinging now,” muttered Regulus, causing Sirius’ head to snap back around so he could glare at his brother.
Traiters
Sirius huffed and made a show of lifting the guitar up and positioning his fingers over the chords.
“Listening?”
Regulus rolled his eyes, but nodded and fixed his eyes on the instrument.
Sirius strummed. He played the intro through at its normal tempo a couple of times, then again at a slower speed so Regulus better differentiate all the chords. He obviously preferred playing it properly, and it was nice melody, but he could still see the confusion on Regulus’ face as he tried to mimic just the strumming pattern alone.
“Do you want me to slow it down a little more?”
“No its… uhh ok yes… please.”
Sirius nodded and repeated the intro at an even slower pace, exaggerating the ups and downs of his hand for Regulus’ benefit. A down. A down. E up, then down. A down and up. This time Regulus kept up, miming the movements with his own hand, keeping in time with Sirius.
He played it another few times for good measure then handed the instrument back to Regulus.
“Just take it slowly, and if you muck up the chords just keep going. The world isn’t gonna end if it doesn’t sound perfect.”
“Alright…”
Regulus readjusted himself, setting the guitar in his lap and hunching over it. Sirius watched intently as he carefully practiced the finger positioning. He knew it, and he could get them right like this easily, he was just getting flustered when he had to try put it all together and being the perfectionist he was, wouldn’t let himself play through the mistakes.
Sirus hadn’t had that problem, preferring to just charge ahead no matter how badly he messed up. He probably could have taken a little more care considering he very quickly started developing bad habits that Monty had to try correct. Still, it had been worth the fun.
Sirius smiled as he watched Regulus give it a try. He took the chords one by one, almost separately. There wasn’t really much essence of song, but he was getting most of them correct with the longer pauses.
“That’s good. Just keep doing that and once you’re confident, put more focus on sticking to a beat.”
Regulus nodded, and though he seemed to try hide it, Sirius saw the little upturn of his lip at the compliment. The hint of pink over his cheeks.
Sirius shuffled back a little so he could lean against the end of his bed, lifting his knees up and draping his arms over them. He closed his eyes as he rested his head on the mattress, and tried tapping his finger along to the rhythm of Regulus’ playing. Which wasn’t easy given how offbeat he was, but it was a good game and helped keep his mind from splitting off into a thousand thoughts at once.
He really needed the help right now. Barley twenty-four hours in and Sirius was already feeling the strain of living with extra people.
Arthur wasn’t too bad, but he was up and down and in and out of rooms like a human hummingbird. Humming included. He left parchment, quills, tools and pulled apart muggle objects everywhere. And maybe he was just being paranoid, but it felt like Regulus always had one eye on whatever had been left around, like he was waiting for a chance to grab something and run, or slip it into his pocket for later.
Then there was Molly, who seemed to have taken it upon herself to become a house elf. Like her husband, she was in and out of every room, except instead of making messes she was cleaning up messes that Sirius was sure weren’t even there. She’d also taken over the kitchen, baking and cooking then owling the goods off to her kids, order members and Merlin knows where else.
He missed reaching out for Remus whenever he needed too. He was sick of watching Regulus stiffen every time someone entered the room. It was exhausting and all he wanted to do was grab a bottle to make it go away, which wasn’t making things any easier.
Sirius shook his head. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t lose control of himself.
You can’t do that to Reg.
When Regulus had gone off to get changed this morning, Remus had pulled him aside and tried to fill him on the conversation he’d had with Molly about her behaviour. She was claiming that she hadn’t meant any harm by her actions and Sirius was still struggling to figure out what he was supposed to do with that information.
“Bullshit. She was trying to get a rise out of him.”
Remus exhaled deeply, and ran a hand through his hair.
“I know but maybe try think about-”
“From her perspective?” Sirius scowled, “Maybe she needs to think about it from HIS perspective. She’s the adult, she should know better than to just… just…” Sirius violently waved his hands around his head, “be like that…”
Remus sighed, “Sirius… you know what happened to her brothers...” Remus swallowed, “If Peter had a brother… could you honestly say you’d just immediately trust him around Harry? Around Regulus? Without even a little bit of apprehension?”
“I…” Sirius dropped his hands by his side and glared, “That’s not fair. Reg isn’t-”
“But Molly thinks he is… I hate it as much as you but we both know that the chances of that whole family making it through this unscathed is almost impossible…” Remus reached out, wrapping his fingers around each of Sirius’ hands. “I’m not asking you to excuse it… but all she knows is his name, family and that he is under strict supervision for reasons she doesn’t know…”
Sirius eyes softened, and he squeezed Remus’ hands back.
He knew that. He knew what it must look like, but he couldn’t just put all his feelings into a box and logic his way out of it. He hated comparing Regulus to that traitor… but he had to admit… he probably wouldn’t have acted much different to Molly…
“I’m not going to let her just walk all over him. If she does something, I’m going to stop her, he doesn't deserve-”
“No, he doesn’t deserve it and I made that as clear as possible when I spoke with her. She said she didn’t mean offense and-”
“She knew exactly what she was doing. I could see it in her… the way she…”
Sirius’ voice cracked and he leaned into Remus. This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. But he supposed that was just a running theme. His life hadn’t been fair in thirty-five years.
Remus circled one hand around the back of his neck, curling his fingers through his hair.
Sirius relaxed into it, “I’m tired of fighting to prove myself… I can’t watch them break Reg down too…”
“I know. I know.”
He hated how much sense Remus made, and he hated how much he understood where Molly was coming from. It felt like he was betraying Regulus. His brother was completely innocent and here he was rationalising why an adult had treated him like that.
Just a few more days and you’ll have the potions
He really should have let Remus ask Snape for extra.
Sirius tried to tune back into Regulus’ playing.
Ok… A… Yes… A… E… E… Good… A… A… Nice
“That sounded really good,” Sirius opened his eyes to see Regulus grinning, looking very impressed with himself. “Give it another go, see if you can play the notes a little closer together.”
Regulus nodded and this time Sirius watched him moved his fingers along the strings.
“Try moving your forefinger up a little.”
“Like this?”
“Yeah exactly.”
Regulus strummed and Sirius smiled when the strong, note that played out. Regulus adjusted his grip and kept playing, this time just looping back to the start when he reached the end. He managed to get through twice more before stumbling and dropping the guitar into his lap, cursing under his breath.
Maybe it is time to finish up now
“You wanna leave it here for today?”
Regulus didn’t even think for a second before muttering a “Thank Merlin”, pushing the guitar onto the floor and laying down on his back beside it. Sirius cracked a smile at his brothers antics and leaned forward to pick up the abandoned guitar. His was on the bed with Remus but his knees really didn’t want to get up again.
Sirius settled it in his lap, positioning his fingers over the strings and played the first thing that came to mind. He let his hand strum across the strings and his fingers mindlessly move across the fret, pressing down, shifting and sliding, letting soothing sound fill the space.
He smiled and closed his eyes. Swaying to the familiar tune and humming the melody, completely absorbed in the memories of cool night air and warm bonfires, when his favourite voice came found its way through to him.
“I still can’t believe you made me like a folk song.”
Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus leaning against the closed door, smiling softly down at him. Sirius’ cheeks warmed slightly but he returned Remus’ smile and kept playing. As he started the next verse, Remus surprised him by humming along too. It wasn’t often Remus joined in like that, he always said he preferred listening to Sirius play and that he was too off key. Sirius wished he would just join in anyway. He loved hearing his voice.
Sirius kept playing, happily strumming away as he watched Remus swaying gently and humming too. When he finally reached the end of the song, he quickly stood up, dropped the guitar on the bed and pulled his wand out.
“Cantus iterum” he muttered, thinking as clearly as he could of the first few chords of the Colours, until…
The guitar started playing itself, repeating in the exact same way Sirius had just plucked the strings. Grinning from ear to ear, he turned around and stepped toward Remus’, reaching for his hand while the other snaked around his waist.
“You know I’m terrible at this…” Remus muttered, but he was smiling still despite the reddening of his face.
As Remus placed one hand on Sirius’ shoulder, Sirius gave their hands a squeeze and pulled his hip toward him, closing the gap and bringing them chest to chest.
“And you know I don’t care…” he smiled and stepped backwards, bringing Remus with him.
It was still a somewhat upbeat song, but Sirius had always been a good dancer and knew how to adapt. He lead Remus, stepping side to side and swaying with to the beat. He let out light laughs whenever Remus stumbled, but always held him steady and didn’t let him fall. Remus let his thumb rub circles into Sirius’ shoulder and Sirius did the same at his waist, while their fingers tangled together like they were joined.
It was perfect. So perfect.
You’re so perfect
Sirius stared into Remus’ eyes, falling into them and floating away as the music flowed through them. He would gladly spend the rest of his life looking into them, happily stay in this moment forever. He was surprised that Regulus hadn’t said anything yet, or maybe he had and he’d just missed it. Too wrapped up in the moment.
As the instrumental section came to an end the final verse began, Sirius began to sing verse as they swayed together.
Freedom is a word I rarely use
Without thinkin’, mm hmm,
Without thinkn’, mm hmm,
Of the time, of the time
When I’ve been loved.
As Sirius sang the final lyric, Remus curled his hand around the back of his neck and pulled their faces together, their lips crashing together as the guitar played the final notes of the song. Sirius tugged at Remus waist, bringing their bodies even as close as possible. The kiss was simple, slow and brought back the hundreds of memories they shared together in this exact position. Listening to this same song.
It was warm and comforting. It was passionate and strong. It was honest and regal. It was everything, all at once. Sirius’ skin was tingling and he certain that they were melting together.
Even as the kiss ended, they didn’t pull away. They’re foreheads remained pressed together as they breathed in each other’s breathes. The sweet, familiar, safety that he’d gone so long without.
“I love you,” he breathed.
“I love you too,” Remus breathed back.
---
Regulus
For as much as Regulus complained and screwed up his nose at Remus and Sirius acting the way they did, he was equally as much envious of what they had. He knew it had been a very long journey to get them here but… they did seem happy together now.
They deserve it
He was still on the fence on whether he deserved it. Not that that mattered much. Love was not applicable to Regulus Black. He sometimes used to wish that he could love Pandora in that way, but he didn’t, and he never would… for two reasons now…
Sirius and Remus had danced together for a few play throughs of the song and Regulus had done his upmost best to stay quiet and give them the little privacy he could. Closing his eyes, listening to the music and staying as quiet as possible. He was good at becoming invisible.
Good for one thing at least
Regulus ignored the little tug in his stomach. He couldn’t let his mind wonder there. Not right now. He was barely holding it together as it was with Molly and Arthur constantly around and he knew that a trip down memory lane would push him over the edge. Molly hadn’t done anything like the first day again so far… but he knew better than to let his guard down. Arthur was less bad, but he was constantly muttering and flitting about. He was worse than Sirius, not to mention his constant tinkering meant temptation was always a few feet away. Regulus spent half of his time picturing what he would do if he got his hands on the tools.
He was really dreading what would happen when the rest of them arrived…
Regulus bit his lip and tried to fight the thoughts charging in. He couldn’t fight them once they were inside. He couldn’t delude himself into believing things would be fine.
Think of something else
Regulus bit down a little harder. Thinking of something else when the current thing was banging on the walls of his mind screaming to be let in wasn’t an easy task. It never had been, hence his reliance on other methods.
He clenched his jaw and-
“Regulus? Are you alright?”
Fuck
He’d done so well at stopping that from happening.
Regulus quickly opened his eyes, forcing himself into a sitting position and-
Oh come on
Regulus blinked back the dark fuzzy spots. His head pounded as it tried catching up with his too fast movement. He was really sick of this happening.
“Wait Reg? What’s going on?”
The music stopped and he heard the sound of floorboards creaking and steps coming toward him. Regulus swallowed and blinked again, trying to clear his vision.
“I just-”
Someone snatched up his wrists and Regulus was yanked forward.
“What did he do? What’s-”
“Nothing,” He hissed, trying to pull his hands back. “Calm down Sirius, I just bit my lip by accident. I’m fine.”
Regulus blinked again and finally his vision was clear enough to see. He wished he couldn’t. Sirius’ eyes were wide and his eyes were darting all over his body.
“Remus? Remus? Is he telling the truth? I can’t see anything but-”
“It’s not much so maybe… here let me…”
Remus muttered something and Regulus felt his body heat up for a moment. His lip burned. Remus hummed.
I told you
“He’s fine. Just the lip.”
The hands around his wrists loosened and Regulus pulled them back to himself as Sirius let out a sigh.
“Oh thank Merlin. I’m sorry, Reg. I just… I thought… but you’re fine. You’re fine. Everything’s fine.”
Sirius stood up and put his face in his hands, continuing to mutter ‘He’s fine’ repeatedly. Regulus crossed his hands over his chest and looked away.
So much for letting them have their moment…
Regulus swiped his tongue over the tiny wound, the metallic taste filling his mouth. He snuck a glance up at Remus who was looking down at him in thought. Regulus didn’t look long enough to try figure out what it meant. Frustration? Anger? Suspicion? Regulus swallowed and looked back down at his lap.
“It was just an accident…”
Remus didn’t say anything, and Regulus shifted uncomfortably. Sirius had stopped muttering and the silence Regulus usually liked was almost painful.
Were they angry with him for ruining their moment? Did Remus believe him? What would they do? Charm his jaw shut? Keep an even closer eye on him? He needed… no that couldn’t… they wouldn’t… but what if they did? What if they just kept getting stricter and stricter? He was going insane. Is that what they wanted? Go so crazy that he couldn’t move? Couldn’t think?
Regulus breathed in.
No… Sirius wouldn’t do that… he wouldn’t… he’s teaching me to play… he wants me to be…
Regulus breathed out and that tug he tried ignoring before pulled again.
“Can I go to the bathroom?”
Regulus looked up. He knew he shouldn’t keep doing this, but he didn’t know what else to do. In the back of his mind his fears about everyone else arriving were still screaming to be let in. He’d likely just upset the only people he felt somewhat safe around. He needed it.
Remus didn’t react, but Sirius started nodding.
“That’s… yes… yes of course you can…”
Regulus nodded back and didn’t hesitate in standing. He just marched for the door, swung it open and walked down the hall. The sound of two peoples footsteps followed, but stopped when he entered the bathroom and closed the door.
It was the only door he was allowed to close and he knew Sirius and Remus would have already started his timer. Unfortunately, unlike with showers, Regulus couldn’t get away with much more than a minute with the tap running before they started knocking.
Usually, he would just wait a few minutes and then start, just to lengthen his time alone. He couldn’t do that right now. He needed it now.
He should have known better than to act so impulsively.
Regulus leapt forward, turning on the taps and sticking his hands beneath the boiling stream. It hurt. It fucking burned.
He gasped at the pain.
Shit
But he didn’t take them out. It wasn’t hot enough to really scald him, but it was close. He needed it to be that close.
Regulus shut his eyes to avoid seeing himself in the mirror and focused on his hands. The sting of water beating down on them. He imagined his skin peeling off. He pictured them bleeding.
More. I need more.
Regulus leant forwards slightly, allowing the fire to spread up his arm. The skin on his wrists were more sensitive. He sucked in a sharp gasp, but kept pushing his wrists further forward until they were fully submerged too. It was good. So good. So good.
The fire burnt down the attacking thoughts. The heat melted away his guilt over Remus and Sirius.
They’re not mad, just worried. It was just a mistake. Sirius doesn’t hate you.
This was good. This was helping. This was exactly what he needed.
Maybe he should have been alarmed at how much he was relying on this, but he didn’t care. This worked and it didn’t get him in trouble. He would get through this. He would… well… he would keep trying to convince them he was getting better until he had his chance. It wasn’t like he was planning it… but if opportunity arose… he’d probably take it. Regulus wasn’t even tempted to believe that maybe there was a chance he would actually get better. He couldn’t imagine a world without these thoughts. It had been too long… that was if it had ever been at all.
He'd always been fighting to reach the next chapter. Just one more year. Just one more term. The routine almost deluded him into feeling like there was an end in sight. That next year, things would get better. That the next term, he would change. It never did, and he had spent more and more time eating less and cutting more.
He didn’t have those hopes anymore. He was just looking down a dark, lightless tunnel that would end with death. He just had to choose when. Maybe-
KNOCK, KNOCK
“Reg? You good in there?”
Fuck.
Regulus swallowed, “Sorry, j-just a s-second.”
He opened his eyes and twisted the taps. He was supposed to pay closer attention to the time. How long had that been? He wiped his hands on his shirt. It stung a little. He wiped them again to really make sure they were dry.
Never long enough.
Regulus opened the door then slipped his hands into his pockets to give the red time to fade.
“Thanks,” He muttered. “Downstairs or back to your room?”
Sirius looked at Remus for a suggestion, but Remus was staring at the wall, distracted in thought. Sirius shrugged and turned back to Regulus, “I suppose we should head downstairs. If Molly isn’t in the kitchen maybe I can cook an early dinner?”
Always with the fucking meals
Regulus nodded and waited for Sirius to start leading the way. He always did that. Anything to give his hands as much time to cool as possible. He’d just let them run under cold water for a minute to help the process, but he needed time under the heat. Though if they were heading to the kitchen, he could probably find a reason to use that sink.
Can’t say no to me wanting some water right?
Regulus followed his brother down the stairs with Remus hot on his tail. They were just about to head toward the kitchen when from just behind him…
“Actually, Pads. Do you want to head through first? I’ve got to ask Regulus a question about some of the books he wanted, we’ll join you in just a minute.”
Wait what books?
Regulus froze. Remus was lying. He hadn’t asked for anymore books since the first few.
“Oh um… sure that’s fine… just don’t be long?”
Sirius didn’t seem to pick up on it. He seemed to be wrangling something else entirely as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt nervously. Regulus wasn’t entirely sure what that was about and honestly Regulus didn’t really care. He was a lot more concerned about why Remus wanted him alone.
“Shouldn’t take too long, just come interrupt if you need me alright? We’ll be in the living room.”
The living room?
Regulus swallowed. This wasn’t a hallway discussion he wanted Molly or Arthur over hearing…
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Yes ok… I should be fine…”
“Just come grab me if not. Reg?”
No. No. NO!
Regulus turned to see Remus gesturing down toward the living room. His face was unreadable.
Fuck.
What did he know? What was he going to say? Was it his lip? Was it… No it couldn’t be that. He couldn’t lose that. He couldn’t even consider that possibility.
Regulus started walking. Remus followed right behind.
He may as have never even bothered with the bathroom, because right now his heart was beating out of his chest and he was doing everything he could to not hyperventilate in the middle of the fucking hallway. Remus wasn’t stupid. Remus knew something. Regulus just didn’t know what and the uncertainty was killing him. He couldn’t plan out a reaction to the unknown, or excuses, or lies.
”Master Regulus? Mistress wishes to speak with you in the study. Immediately.”
Regulus swallowed as a wave of nausea hit. This wasn’t going to be just a talk. She knew. She knew it was him.
“Thank you, Kreature. I’ll go now.”
Regulus pushed open then living room door. Remus closed it after them.
He isn’t like that. He isn’t like them.
But that wasn’t overly reassuring, because pain was what he wanted, and pain was what Remus might be taking away…
Regulus went for his usual seat, but Remus went and stood by the bookshelf.
“Regulus… I… I’m going to give you a chance to tell the truth.”
Regulus curled his hidden hands into fits.
“About?”
Remus sighed and pulled out a dusty book from the shelf. “I don’t want you to feel trapped, Regulus but… I can’t ignore this. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
No. He doesn’t. He’s bluffing. He just suspects and wants me to incriminate myself. He knows nothing.
Regulus said nothing, but watched Remus carefully, hoping that he would make the first move. It was either his lip or his hands and one of those really was an accident. Maybe he should lead with that? It might be uncomfortable, but he wouldn’t get in trouble.
“Biting my lip was an accident. I really didn’t mean to do it.”
Silence.
More silence.
Even more silence.
“Regulus…”
Please believe me. Please. Please.
“… Can you please hold this for a minute?”