Chapter 20
Regulus
Regulus pressed down the door handle as quietly as he could. He gently pushed the door open, stepped inside the dark room and let it close behind him. All without making a sound. He'd already gotten in enough trouble today; he didn't want to get into anymore.
Usually, Sirius kept his curtains drawn shut, but tonight they were wide open, letting the moonlight stream. The room was also usually a mess, with clothes scattered all over the floor, draws and cupboards open. But not tonight. Everything was neatly packed away.
Regulus shuffled forward, not putting too much weight on his left right leg. It was his fault she had to do it; he was the one who kept getting mixed up between the Wizengamot seats and the Auror ranks. He knew that if he wasn't so forgetful, she wouldn't have to keep hurting him, but he was struggling with the sudden increase in workload. It didn't help that he wasn't sleeping properly again. His nightmares were getting worse.
He'd just woken up from another one.
It started with him and Sirius, playing in his room like they always did, but then Sirius changed. He wore his school robes, and a group of people Regulus didn't know surrounded him. He tried to call out, but Sirius just looked down at him the way their dad did and refused to utter a word at him.
Then his mum was there. She slashed and slashed, threw curse after curse saying he needed to do better. He needed to be better. “You are an embarrassment”, “You are weak”, “You bring nothing but shame on us”
He cried out. Begged for Sirius to help him, but his brother just watched. He stood there completely unphased, laughing with dozens of his new friends, better friends, as Regulus was tortured within an inch of his life.
When his mother was done, she left him on the floor. Bloodied and bruised, rasping for breath as the aftershocks of her curses rattled through him. And Sirius just continued to laugh. Talk with people that weren't him. Ignore his little brother dying before his eyes.
When he woke up, it was always in tears. Breathing heavily and shaking from the memories burnt into his mind. They'd started when Sirius got his letter. Sirius told him it wasn’t real and held him when he crawled into his bed to check that his brother really was still there. That he hadn’t been left yet. That he wasn’t all alone.
"It was just a dream, Reg. I'd never do that."
"I'll always come back for you. I'll never for forget you."
"I'm always going to be your big brother."
Regulus stifled a sob as he wiped his eyes and clambered up onto Sirius' empty bed. He pulled back the cold sheets and wrapped himself within them, curling in on himself and trying to remember his brother’s words. That he’d never forget him. That he’d never leave him. That he’d always protect him.
But Sirius wasn’t here anymore. He was at Hogwarts, in his new house, with his new friends.
He hadn't even written like he'd promised. He’d already forgotten about him.
He doesn’t want me anymore…
Regulus sucked in a shallow breath, but choked as he it was caught in his too tight throat.
But I need him…
Regulus glanced at the empty space beside him. The cold spot where Sirius was supposed to be, lit up by the light pouring in from the window and a loud sob escaped from his throat. Then another. Then another. And another. And another.
Why wouldn’t Sirius return his letters? Why wouldn’t Sirius send one to him? He’d promised. Sirius promised he wouldn’t forget him and he already had. His leg was hurting too much. He was too tired from crying himself awake every night. He needed his big brother to come back and save him, he couldn’t do this alone.
Regulus tried desperately to swipe the tears away from his face, but the moment they were gone more blurred his vision. It was never ending. None of this was. It was all a giant nightmare that he couldn’t escape from. Cissy hadn’t visited in months. Sirius was gone. Everyone he loved kept leaving him.
“Why-y am I-I s-so bad…” he spluttered. It was too much. He wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until Sirius was back. This was horrible and-
“What do you think you are doing in here, Regulus?”
Regulus’ entire body went numb. He didn’t move. He didn’t blink. He didn’t even breath. He-
“REGULUS!”
No, no. Please. How did she… She wasn’t… She’s going to…
He needed to apologise. He tried to open his mouth to say what she wanted to hear… but it was no good. He was trapped. He was locked in. He couldn’t do anything to stop what was coming. It was happening again.
“You filthy child! You will not do this to us too!”
I’m sorry. Please I’m sorry. Please don’t. Please I’m sorry mum…
But there was nothing he could do… He knew that… She knew that… He was in the wrong. He’d gone into Sirius’ room after she forbit it. He deserved what was coming… He should have just done what he was told…
It will be over soon. Just wait until she’s done. Just hold it in.
Regulus dug deep, reaching down inside himself and holding on so he didn’t rise back up. He couldn’t be there for this again. He had to wait… he was going to go… he was going… he was… he…
“CRUCIO!”
But he was already gone.
---
“Morning,” Regulus muttered as he dragged himself out of bed, standing up to see Remus already awake on the extended armchair reading quietly. Regulus had hoped, albeit weakly, that he’d be left alone to sleep at night.
Good morning,” Remus smiled, marking his page and pulling out his wand to unlock the door.
He hadn’t been granted that wish. In fact they’d gone the extra mile of locking him in, presumably so he couldn’t try sneak out in the middle of the night.
Can’t blame them for thinking I’d try…
Sirius had slept there the first evening after having his and Regulus’ guitar lesson, but swapped with Remus the previous night so he could get some proper rest ahead of Molly and Arthurs arrival. Something he had come to learn no one was looking forward to.
“Hands feeling better this morning?” Remus asked as the bedroom door unclicked and swung open.
Regulus shrugged, “I guess…”
They were still a little achy but much better than yesterday. Sirius had mentioned they might get a little sore the first few times he played, but for the drama queen he was, he really undersold how cramped they would get. He’d woken up yesterday still riding the high of the previous night spent with his brother, excited to give it another try, only to discover he could barely coordinate his fingers enough to hold a pencil.
Remus nodded, standing up and slipping his wand back into his pocket, “the offer for a pain-relieving potion still stands if you change your mind.”
Regulus just shook his head. Sirius had spent half of yesterday pestering him about taking one so they could continue the lessons but Regulus declined every time. He knew it looked strange, probably wasn’t helping his case for earning back trust but… he just couldn’t bring himself to take one. He hated the way they made him feel.
During his first quidditch practice, he’d been hit by a rogue bludger and broken several bones. Pomfrey had administered a standard pain relief potion to help keep him settled while she worked on mending them. Healing was a complicated field of magic. There were standard spells and standard potions, but everyone reacted slightly differently, and healers required a lot of training in spell modification and potion theory to get around this very fact.
For Regulus, these potions didn’t just take away pain, they triggered a numbness that he couldn’t escape, even after the potion’s effects should have worn off. As the pain slipped away, it was like his conscious mind slipped with it. He was taken to the same place he went when his mother cursed him or he was panicked or scared, and it wasn’t a state he liked being in. That first time he took the potion, Regulus had been trapped in that space for three days.
A little privately done research revealed his reaction was similar to the way some ex-combat aurors responded to pain potions. He decided against revealing himself to be a complete nutcase to Pomfrey, and simply avoided taking it whenever he was given a choice and suffer through it when he was forced.
Remus pursed his lips but nodded, and rather than push the subject gestured for Regulus to start making his way downstairs. Regulus obliged, gratefully.
Despite the setback yesterday, the happy high from hanging out with Sirius had pulled him through the morning. Remus and Sirius took turns cleaning out another guest room, while Regulus spent most of his time reading, occasionally walking around after them to stretch his legs.
He should have known better than to believe it would last. Sirius had come across a Doxie infestation and asked Regulus to look through an old book to see if there was a way to get rid of them since they didn’t have any Doxycide on hand. There wasn’t much, and while flipping through an old copy of Fantastic Beasts, he’d stumbled upon the article on Billywigs instead. That was all it took for Regulus to hit a wall.
It wasn’t much, but about a conversation he’d had about a week ago… well… a conversation he’d had with Barty and Evan, weighing up the risks and benefits of importing one to test the side effects of its sting for themselves. It wasn’t like they’d made any plans, but it’d been a good moment. Just a stupid chat between friends about something stupid they could do together. Something Regulus would never get the chance to have with them…
That was all it took to force Regulus into a spiral of reminiscence. Old memories of happy times spent with his friends, mixing with the facts of his new reality. His friends were all dead and half of them had probably died hating him for the side he chose. Bary. Evan. Dorcas. Pandora. The weight his time with Sirius had lessened, crushed him once more.
He paced and paced. Thought and thought. His stomach twisted and all the colour he’d started seeing washed away back to grey. He tried reading again, but he just kept reading the same page over and over again. He tried helping Remus sort books in the library, but he just kept getting the piles mixed up.
By the time evening pulled around, he’d wanted nothing more than to get his hands on something sharp and rip himself to shreds.
He still wanted too.
Which wasn’t an unusual desire, but Merlin, it was considerably more intense right now. And it was the guitars fault. He was used to feeling bad, but feeling good and having that stripped away? It was like twisting the knife he’d grown used to having in his chest. He’d been given a taste of what he could have and now he knew what he was missing? It was unbearable.
He wanted more than anything to have that good feeling back, but he was Regulus. He suffered. He got hit with shitty thing after shitty thing. This pit in his stomach was cursed to return and honestly… it was easier to handle if he didn’t have something positive to compare it too. Part of him was glad that his hands were too sore to practice with Sirius right now because he wasn’t sure he wanted to do it again. Not if this was the feeling he’d be left with after.
“Reg? Do you mind? You can say no, he’ll live without it.”
Regulus shook his head.
Focus you idiot
“Sorry I was… Can you repeat the question?”
“All good,” he muttered as the two of them entered the kitchen. Remus turned around sheepishly. He grabbed at the back of his neck as a slight blush appeared on his cheeks. “I just wanted to bring Sirius’ coffee up to him so he could stay in bed a little longer.”
“Oh…”
Is that all?
Regulus was about to continue but Remus cut in.
“You can say no, obviously. If you want to stay down here though that’s fine. He’ll be fine. It’s no big deal, honestly, I know the stairs are a pain.”
Remus started rambling and Regulus was his hit with a pang of guilt. He hadn’t put much thought into how much he was disrupting them by being here. What it was costing them to constantly supervise him… He’d been too focused on how much all this was annoying him and he hadn’t even considered how annoying it would be to them… how much he was getting in their way….
It was such a simply, tiny little thing and Remus felt like he needed to ask permission first? Just for them to make an extra little trip upstairs? Was he being that much of git?
I’m just making things bad…
“No, no that’s… I mean yes… yes do it… I don’t care… I mean it’s no bother… sorry… yes…”
Remus looked uncertain, “Are you sure? I don’t want to-”
“It’s alright, really. I’ll survive an extra walk upstairs.”
Selfish git
He gave Remus the most reassuring smile he could muster, and Remus’ face lit up instantly. Another pang of guilt punched him in the stomach.
“Thanks, Reg. I’ll be quick,” he said, before turning around and getting started.
You’re getting in the way of them just being happy…
True to his word, Remus was done in a few short minutes. Regulus declined a tea of his own and the two of them headed upstairs.
Remus knocked on the door, “Pads? You decent?”
There was a strangled grumble from inside that indicated Sirius wake, followed by a noise that Remus seemed to recognise as a yes, and he opened the door and stepped inside.
Regulus followed but hung back in the doorway. Regulus had been in Sirius room more times than he could count before it had become decorated with red and gold but had only caught a few brief glimpses of it after. There were band posters everywhere, along with Gryffindor banners, though the pictures of ‘filthy muggle girls’ as his mother had so kindly put it, seemed to have been mostly covered by more tasteful artworks.
It was a lot cleaner than he had been expecting too. The clothes Sirius had worn last night were strewn about the floor, but the drawers were all closed, the cupboard doors were shut and the desk was tidy. There was an extra cabinet beneath the window Regulus didn’t remember, but he figured that was probably for Remus. It had a few candles on top, a few photo frames and some neatly stacked books with marks all sticking out of them.
Sirius was a mess though. He wasn’t a morning person, not matter what way you tried to slice it. Thankfully, Remus had been right about is incoherent grumbling, and Sirius was wearing pyjama shirt and shorts. He was sprawled out on his stomach, pressing his face into his pillow, taking up the whole bed with the sheets all kicked off. His hair looked like a bird’s nest and not for the first time Regulus wondered why on earth Sirius didn’t just keep it short, so he didn’t have to spend so much time on it.
“Morning Pads, I’ve brought up your coffee so you can sleep in a little longer,” Remus whispered as he placed the mug down on the little bedside table.
Sirius mumbled something Regulus didn’t understand, as he turned his head to face the mug, but Remus must have heard it because he started chuckling, “I don’t think so, but I could arrange it next time.”
Sirius grinned and Remus smiled back, crouching beside the bed and letting his hand rest on Sirius’ shoulder. He leaned forward, whispering something into Sirius’ ear and Regulus watched as his brothers grin turned into a light laugh of his own.
Regulus looked down at his feet as another wave of guilt washed over him.
You’re getting in the way. They only just got each other back and you’re ruining it for them.
He let his hands twist together.
They moved on and you’re dragging them back into your mess.
Regulus swallowed.
You’re just burdening them by being here. That’s all you’ve done.
He didn’t even try arguing the thought. It was true. He was forcing them apart, not giving them any time together, probably stressing them out over his stupid little moments. It was only going to get worse when the others got here too. They’d already mentioned they were going to keep it quiet until they had a chance to judge how Molly and Arthur would react. Apparently, they'd been close with one of Molly's brothers and though he'd never mentioned his sister having any issues with it, they wanted to make that call for themselves. If they were wrong, this awkward living situation could get a whole lot more awkward.
And thanks to you, they won’t even get time away from it all.
“You alright over there?” Regulus looked up to see his brother had sat himself up against the headboard with Remus perched on the edge of the bed. He was holding the mug in one hand, the other on his leg, wrapped around Remus’ own hand.
You can’t even go a few minutes without getting in the way
“Yes, sorry. I’m fine. I just…” Sirius brow knitted together, and his smile dipped.
And there you go again
Regulus gripped his arm tighter and looked back down at his feet, “I just… I’m sorry… you know… for getting in the way…”
He bit back the urge to keep apologising. He didn’t need to keep ruining their moment even more.
“Reg what are you talking about?”
Stop trying to be nice.
“You know… you guys… together… I’m sorry… for being in the way of it…”
You sound like an idiot
Regulus shifted and twisted his foot into the ground. He knew it was stupid, saying what everyone was already thinking, but he needed them to know he was at least sorry about it.
“Reg you… you aren’t in the way… why… why would you say that?”
Shut up Sirius, I can take it, it’s fine
“You don’t have to say that… I know I am… I just wanted you to know I’m sorry…”
There was a intake of breath and short set of whispers that Regulus couldn’t quite understand. They sounded angry though, Regulus was smart enough to recognise that anyway.
See what you did
Regulus shifted again and gripped his arm even harder. The circulation was probably going to go in it soon. He steadied himself and-
Shit…
He heard the bed move and floorboards creak as someone stood up.
They’re mad…
Regulus sucked in a breath. They weren’t like that… they wouldn’t… but maybe he’d just made them realise how much of burden he was placing on them… what if they-
The bedsheets moved again and floorboards creaked as the other person stood.
I’m sorry…
Regulus tensed and he forced his eyes shut.
“Regulus…”
It was his brother’s voice. Sirius. Sirius was mad? He was upset with him. He should be. Merlin, he deserved it.
Just do it… just go… I’m sorry…
A heavy hand landed on his shoulder. Regulus jumped, stepping backwards.
“Regulus… you need too much effort...”
A hand came down on his shoulder. He flinched back at the force, trying to move away, but his fathers fingers curled around his shoulder, holding him in place.
“I’m sorry…” he croaked, “Father please… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
THUMP!
Pain exploded up through Regulus’ abdomen, as Orion’s fist collided with his stomach.
“AGggh…” he choked as all the air was knocked out of his lungs. It hurt. It hurt so much. He was already so bruised.
“We told you to STAY!”
THUMP!
Regulus folded over, his knees giving way as he fell forward. All the muscles in his body giving out as he gasped for air.
“Uhghh… faahgh…”
“SPEAK BOY.”
SMACK!
Regulus slammed against the floor flat on his stomach as his fathers fist punched down on his back. Pain radiated through his torso from where his fathers hand was pressing him down into the floorboards. His lungs burned as he tried to breath, but his stomach was all cramped. Nothing was coming in.
SMACK!
Pain. His head, a hand wrapping his skull and twisting his head to the side. His cheek was scrapping against the floor, the pressure in his skull burned. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.
“You will do well to LISTEN-“
“-listen to me Reg. It’s alright. Bud, it’s alright, your safe.”
Regulus gasped for breath. His face was pressed against something, but it was soft. There was a hand on his back, but it was gentle.
What….
“Can you hear that traffic? It’s a little louder today huh?”
Regulus shifted and…
Oh… yes…
Regulus could hear it. There were cars. And footsteps. Outside. Just around him.
“And that coffee smell? It’s just from my cup near the bed.”
The bed… Sirius’ bed…
Regulus twisted and…
Sirius…
Regulus’ eyes shot open with another loud gasp. He tilted his head back and his brothers face came into view.
“Hey Reg? It’s just me, Sirius. I’m here. You’re safe.”
Sirius… it’s Sirius… I’m safe…
---
Sirius
Just like Moony said. Just be patient. Stay calm. He’s gonna be alright.
“Can you see my shirt? The orange?”
“I… I see... “
He’s almost there. Just keep going.
Sirius resisted the urge to pull him any tighter, he had to keep calm. That’s what Remus had explained. This had to be on his timeline.
“Yeh exactly. Can’t you feel it? How soft it is?”
Regulus shifted against him, his cheek brushing against his chest.
“Y-Yes… s-soft…”
That’s good. He’s good.
Sirius didn’t really understand what was happening. He knew his brother had been on edge, that’s why he’d asked what was wrong and then… then he started saying all that shit about being a burden and… he then his breathing had just gone as he began panicking.
Stay calm. Deal with it once he’s better. Focus.
“You’re safe with me Reg. Can you see me? It’s Sirius.”
“I-I know… S-Sirius…”
He knows. He’s doing well. He’s alright.
If Sirius were being honest, half the things he’d been saying had been to calm himself down too. Reassure himself that Regulus was going to be alright, so he didn’t have his own freak out. Because he was rather close to one.
“That’s great, Bud. Can you feel your legs? Feet on the floor?”
Regulus nodded, “Y-Yes…I…”
Shit…
Sirius gripped around his brother tighter, as Regulus’ knees folded, supporting his weight. He’d been stiff as a board the entire time.
This is good… he’s relaxing…
That’s what he tried to reason anyway.
“S-Sorry… I-I…”
“All good, Reg. Do you want to sit on the bed?”
By some miracle, Regulus gave a quiet yes and Sirius very, very carefully, helped steady him, and guide him over to the bed. The moment they were both seated, Regulus fell against Sirius’ side, curling his arms around himself.
“I’ve got you here. You’re safe. You’re with me.”
“I know…”
Sirius let the silence drift over them for another few moments. Listening as Regulus’ breathing was slowly evening out and his body relaxed more and more. He was going to let it go on for another few minutes, but Regulus broke the silence first.
“I’m… sorry… I just… wanted you… to know…”
Sirius fought to urge to just argue with him. Tell him that he was wrong.
Stay calm. Be strategic.
“I don’t understand Reg, why are you sorry?”
Regulus gave a slight shudder, “Well… you and Remus… I feel bad… you’re always with me…”
“So? Reg you’re important, we want you around.”
“I mean… but I’m too much effort… so I’m sorry…”
Sirius took in a deep, long sigh.
Too much. Too much.
He knew exactly where Regulus had heard those words before. Regulus was always getting into trouble for being too much as a kid. Too emotional. Too emotionless. Too soft. Too hard. Sirius had the same things said about him.
“You’re worth the effort,” he muttered.
“B-But… you and… you don’t… I’m ruining-”
Sirius cut in, “You aren’t ruining anything, Reg. You are my brother, and I am taking care of you because I care about you. We both do.”
Regulus opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius wasn’t done.
“You are not in the way, Reg. You have no idea how happy I am to have you here. I just want you to be happy to be here too. Remus and I are perfectly fine, and even if we weren’t that is none of your concern. I’m not going anywhere.”
There was a break.
“You’ve said that before…”
Sirius swallowed, “And it wasn’t your fault or my fault they did everything to push us apart. But they’re gone now, Reg. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not making that mistake twice.”
I can’t believe I made it the first time…
Regulus tensed and for a second Sirius worried that he’d done something wrong, but Regulus sat up straight, pulling away to support himself. He kept his eyes locked on his feet dangling off the side of the bed.
“I used to come in here… after you left for Hogwarts…”
Oh…
“Reg I-”
“Mother caught me a few times… crucioed me right here…” he patted the bed and Sirius swallowed as he pictured his 9 year old brother lying there under that curse…
That bitch…
“It didn’t stop me though… for months that first year… I kept coming back when I had nightmares… some nights I’d even try spot your star just to feel like you were here… but…”
“you stopped eventually?”
Regulus breathed in, “Yeh… when I finally realised that you weren’t going to send me any letters like you’d promised…”
“Reg you know that-”
“They stopped them. I know now… but at the time… and for years… I just…” Regulus looked up at Sirius. His eyes were a little red and his brow was knitted together, “I just thought you replaced me… didn’t want me anymore… I know how that feels so with Remus… I don’t want him to feel replaced… or something…”
“You don’t have to worry about-”
“I can’t help it… I just… sometimes mums there… dad too… in my head… telling me how much you hate me and that… that you left because I’m not worth keeping… said they’d leave me too if I wasn’t better…”
Regulus looked back down at his feet.
“I can’t…” his voice cracked, “I can’t block them out… and…”
Regulus let out a strangled laugh.
“I c-can’t… I don’t know if it’s them talking… or just me…”
Regulus hunched in on himself and there was no mistaking the sound of sobs coming from him.
“I’m just so empty… Sirius… I think…”
You think what… Reg…
“Ever since you left for school... I feel like I’m already dead…”
Already dead. I feel like I’m already dead. Sirius heart clenched and he let out of a choked gasp. Because his little brother just said… Fuck…
A painful for lump blocked Sirius as he tried to take a breath and tears dripped out of his burning eyes, the image of his brother blurring away.
I was supposed to protect you…
“Bruba… Siwus…”
“Big brother Sirius.”
Regulus giggled and Sirius grinned, his heart swelling, as he reached out and put his finger in his baby brothers hand, letting his little fingers hold onto it. He really was cute, just like Andy and Cissy said. He was so lucky.
“Siwus”
Sirius giggled now too, “Si-R-ius”
“Ssss-www-ussss”
Sirius shook his head and pulled a face, making the baby giggle again. Sirius grinned and he stuck out his tongue, pulling another silly face. Regulus laughed again.
“Your so silly,” he muttered, as he scrunched up his nose, making Regulus giggle again. He loved having a little brother.
He promised. He swore that he was going to be there for him and he… this whole time… this fucking child was… He had no words. There was nothing he could think to say. This whole time…
Sirius tried to wipe away the tears, but they were replaced by more a second later.
“Reg… p-please…” he reached out, offering Regulus his arm.
Please take it. Please I need it too.
He did.
Unlike before, Sirius didn’t hold back, wrapping his arms around Regulus the moment he knew he was there. Holding him to his chest as tightly as he could.
“I-I’m s-so s-sorry… I-I’m s-sorry I left you… but I’m h-here n-now… y-you’re not alone a-any m-more…”
Sirius wasn’t actually sure if Regulus was saying anything in response to his promises, but he had to hope that he was listening.
He took a deep breath. And another. And another. And another. Calming himself enough to speak clearly.
“Regulus… You are not a burden. You are important and loved and… fucking hell… I love you, Reg… I always will and I’m going to keep you safe… you are going to be happy…”
“You have to talk to me Reg… like we used too… you have to tell me so I can help… I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on…”
They’d been so close as kids. They’d been each other’s entire lives, and when Sirius had left, he’d found James and Remus… but Regulus had no one after that. For two years he suffered alone, with nothing and no one to turn too.
It shouldn’t have been Sirius’ job as kid, but it sure as damn hell was his job now.