Chapter 19
Sirius
“So beautiful…” Sirius whispered as he stared up at Remus. He’d never get tired of this.
The corner of Remus’ mouth curled up as a pink blush spread beneath his freckled face. Merlin he was so gone.
“If this is your way of buttering me up to go on another errand for you…”
Sirius rolled his eyes and huffed a gentle laugh, “Are you saying you wouldn’t if I asked?”
“I didn’t say that...” Remus smiled softly, curling a lock of hair behind Sirius’ ear. “Though, I’m starting to think you don’t want me around. Should I be worried you’re seeing someone else?”
Sirius smirked and snaking his arms around Remus’ waist, pulling him in. “Hmm you caught me… you shouldn’t be mad though, he’s very handsome.”
“Oh, is he now?” Remus replied, gliding his thumb across Sirius’ jaw and tilting up his chin.
“Hmm of yes…” Sirius stretch up onto his toes, bringing their faces so close Sirius could feel Remus' breath on his lips. “Very tall…” he muttered, nuzzling his nose against Remus’, who tightened the hand curled around the back of Sirius tight. “Lovely golden brown hair…” Remus leaned down, pressing their foreheads together and Sirius moistened his lips.
“He sounds like a catch…”
“He really is…” Sirius muttered and closed the gap between them, the lips melting together in-
“AHhh! Shit, sorry!”
Remus and Sirius jumped apart, spinning around to see Regulus standing by the door with his hands over his eyes and his face turning a deep shade of red.
Sirius could feel his own face heating up to match, “Sorry Reg I… I didn’t think you’d be so quick.. I-I thought take the whole five minutes to get dress…”
Regulus groaned, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head, “I wish I did… I can never unsee that…”
“Sorry,” Sirius winced.
He hadn’t meant for it to go that way. Remus was just so… him. They’d hardly seen each other today. His catch up with Em lasting longer than expected and the book Sirius had wanted as out of stock at the usual store, so Remus spent a few hours running around trying to find one that had it. Then the moment he got home he hurried off again to grab Sirius’ old guitar from Hope Cottage.
“I’m gonna teach Reg how to play, figured he could use my old one since I use Monty’s now…”
“You’re such a sentimental sap.”
“I’m your sentimental sap…”
“Hmm right you are…”
Sirius had just about given in right there. The only reason he held back was because Regulus had been just on the other side of the room, not quite able to hear them but definitely about to see them.
Then he came back, being all sweet. Helped Sirius settle on a plan to let Regulus shower (Five minutes of actual showering, with a warning to put on a bathrobe while they popped in to make sure he was alright, then another five minutes to dress). Then had the audacity to stand there looking like absolute heaven while they were alone.
"Sorry Reg, didn't mean to scar you."
Regulus groaned.
"Buuut I do have some good news."
"Unless you're about to say obliviate it can't be that good."
Sirius chuckled, "No, but I hope this comes close. I was just thanking Moony here-"
"Please stop."
"-becauseeee he dropped by Hope Cottage before and picked up my old guitar for you."
Regulus' head shot up, and the embarrassed look dropped away as he pulled his hands down from his face and a little smile appeared. "Really?"
Sirius grinned down at him, "Really. We start whenever you're ready, we can give it a go now if you want?"
Regulus smile widened and suddenly Sirius was given a glimpse of the kid his brother was. Excited to try something new. Just happy about something for the sake of being happy about it. It was a little shy still and Sirius could a little doubt behind his eyes, but mostly he just looked excited. Sirius couldn't recall the last time he'd seen a look like that on Regulus' face. He never wanted it to go away.
"Are you sure? I don't want to bother you if-"
"When do I ever do something I don't want to? I'm sure, Reg. "
Regulus smiled again but looked down at his feet to hide it, crossing his arms over his waist. "Okay..."
Making a pitstop by Sirius' room to grab the instruments, Sirius had suggested just staying in there but Remus wanted to have a mid-afternoon lie down so the brothers made their way downstairs, opting to practice in the living room.
When Sirius had come to Monty asking to learn, he'd been fourteen spending his third year Christmas holidays with the Potters. For completely platonic best friend reasons, Sirius had become obsessed with the idea of learning moonage daydream so he could surprise Remus when he came to stay over new years.
Remus had briefly mentioned once not long before term ended that he'd like to see a band live one day but he'd have to wait until he was of age since his parents would never let him. Sirius wanted to remedy that as best he could.
James called him ridiculous and said he was ruining their holidays by not spending every waking minute with him playing quidditch, but Sirius had thought it worth it. He loved when he was the one making Remus happy and was excited to see the plan through. As a friend. Platonically. Strictly as best mates.
It hadn't been as easy as he'd hoped. There were too many chords to remember, and he struggled changing between them all so rapidly. With trying to remember what order to play them in on top of that he’d gotten frustrated really quickly and disappointed he wasn’t going to give Remus his new years even present. Monty had come to the rescue and recommended a much easier song, Colours by Donovan. It wasn’t his usual vibe, but only switching between C, F and G rather than D, F, Bm, Bm7/A, E, G, Bm/A and A, was a hell of a lot easier.
With a lot more practice than he’d originally thought would be required, he managed to learn the song. He had to play it a little slower than normal and he still made mistakes, but by the time new years rolled around even James and Peter were impressed.
“Remus wait,” Sirius grabbed his friend’s arm, stopping him from chasing after James and Peter who’d decided to go raid the kitchen for sweets. It was only an hour to midnight and the boys had decided they needed a sugary pick me up before the fireworks started.
Remus glanced down at the spot where Sirius had grabbed his arm, a little pink tinging his cheeks, then across at Sirius curiously.
“What is it?”
Suddenly, all the confidence Sirius Black was known for, flew out of him, his stomach knotting as the two boys made eye contact.
“I-I just… I wanted… to…” Sirius bit his lip and swallowed back the lump forming in his throat, “I wanted.. to show you something…”
Remus brow furrowed, “What about James and Peter?”
Sirius shook his head, “No I… just you… I wanted to show you.”
“Oh…” The pink on Remus face darkened to red and for some reason that gave Sirius back a little confidence.
He grinned and pulled on Remus arm tugging him toward the door, “Come on, just out the back.”
Remus let himself get pulled along and Sirius took him out the back door and over to a firepit the boys had spent most of their evening around so far. There hadn’t been much snow that season, so the ground was still clear, and Effie had allowed it as long as they all wore appropriately warm clothing. Sirius didn’t own anything and ended up stealing one of Remus’ jumpers to appease her, not that he was complaining. He’d always wanted to try one on.
The boys had spent a few hours hanging out around it. Throwing flame powder on it to change the colours. Toasting phoenix-mellows. Casting spells to shape the smoke. They’d not long gone back inside to play a few rounds of exploding snap to pass the time.
Sirius sat Remus down just beside the fire, on a patch of grass Monty had charmed not to get wet as the dew settled on it. The sky was completely clear tonight, the moon was waning, and the stars were just as bright as they were at Hogwarts.
Sirius grabbed the guitar he and Monty had bought barely two weeks ago, he’d stashed in its case behind the bushes and sat across from Remus.
“Since when do you play guitar?” Remus’ eyes twinkling curiously in the firelight as he looked at Sirius and the instrument in his arms.
“Well… I… Monty showed me… I remembered you wanted to hear live music but wouldn’t be allowed and… I thought…” Sirius swallowed. The lump in his throat was back again. painfully aware of Remus eyes darting over at him.
“You learnt… guitar… for me?”
Sirius took a deep breath, summoning up a bit of courage. He’d come this far. He wasn’t about to disappointment Remus now.
“Yeh… I tried to learn Moonage daydream but… it was too hard… so I did this instead…”
Before he could give Remus a chance to react and stop him. Or perhaps it was just before his own nerves got too bad, he looked down at the fretboard and started playing. It was clumsy and he made several mistakes. It was a little slower than the record and though he wasn’t much of a singer in his own opinion, he tried to at say the lyrics somewhat in tune as best he could.
Yellow is the colour of my true loves hair
In the mornin’ when we rise
In the mornin’ when we rise
That’s the time, that’s the time
I love the best
The whole time, he was aware of Remus staring at him. His eyes burning wholes in him as he played. Sirius was very grateful at that moment he’d chosen to do this outside by the fire, because there was no doubt his face was burning bright red. He hadn’t been nervous to how Peter or James, but he supposed Remus had always been a little different. James was hit brother and Peter was his friends, but Remus was his best friend. He cared what he thought.
Blue's the colour of the sky
In the mornin' when we rise
In the mornin' when we rise
That's the time, that's the time
I love the best
Sirius hadn’t really been the biggest fan of it when Monty had suggested it. It was much slower and more folk than the sort of stuff he usually liked listening to, but it had grown on him. As he learned the chords, remembered the order they came in and the lyrics that matched, it had started mixing up with memories and pictures in his own head. A lot of them Remus. The sun peaking in through the dorm windows, lighting up Remus as he slept after a full moon. Walking down to herbology under the morning sky back when they had classes at the greenhouses first thing.
Freedom is a word I rarely use
Without thinkin', mm-hmm
Without thinkin', mm-hmm
Of the time, of the time
When I've been loved
As he finished the song, Sirius held his breath. He was burning up on the inside and was just about ready to throw himself into the fire as his nerves built up, wondering what Remus had thought. It was a far cry from what he usually listened to, and Sirius was hardly the best musician so he didn’t even get the benefit of hearing it done properly.
He didn’t dare look up, instead keeping his eyes locked on his lap. What if James had been right? What if this really was stupid? He should have listened. This was terrible. Remus probably thought he was crazy. Why did he do this? What possessed him to think this was a good-
“That was…” Please don’t say bad, please don’t say terrible, “really good.”
Sirius jerked his head up and he breathed out a great sigh of something between relief, surprising and happiness. Remus was staring at him wide eyed, completely in awe, his mouth slightly ajar.
“R-Really? You think so? James said it was a stupid…”
Remus looked down at the instrument and reached out, brushing past Sirius hand to run his fingers across the strings.
“It was amazing, Sirius. I’ve never heard someone play in real life before it… it was amazing.”
Sirius’ heart raced and he was once again beyond grateful for the firelight because he knew his face was turning bright red.
He liked it…
Suddenly all of the time he’d spent trying to get it right was worth. All the comments from James calling him boring. All the blisters and late nights trying to get the switches between chords right. It was worth it because Remus liked it. He’d made Remus happy. Him. Sirius. All on his own.
Sirius stared at Remus, as Remus studied the guitar. His brown eyes. The sprinkle of freckles across his cheeks. The scar running across the bridge of his nose.
His stomach did a little flip as Remus lifted his head and met Sirius’ gaze.
“Can you play it again?” he asked, voice all soft and quiet.
Anything for you
So that’s exactly what he did.
After that night, Sirius had worked as hard as he could and mastered Moonage Daydream in time to play for Remus’ birthday. Before class, after class, between class. All without Remus knowing what he was doing. But even after all that, when he dragged Remus up to the common room mid-party and finished the song, Remus asked him to play Colours again. So he did.
That new years eve they’d spent alone by the fire at the Potters became one of his and Remus’ favourite memories and colours became one of their favourite songs to this day. It was weaved into them like it was fate, the harmony that found its place accompanying every happy moment they shared. Mornings after full moons. Days studying by the lake. Birthdays. Christmas. New years… Colours was their song and it always would be.
“Umm Sirius?”
Sirius blinked as a voice snapped him out of his daze.
He shook his head and-
Oh right, Reg.
“Sorry bud got a little distracted. You ready to start?”
Sirius had thought quite hard about which song was best for Regulus to learn. He wanted to teach him the same way he’d been taught, just learning the chords he needed to and belting out a song. He could have gone the more systematic approach, leaning sheet music, chords, the classics, but he didn’t want to do that. Regulus had always been forced to do things the right way. The proper way. Sirius wanted this to be fun for him, something that would leave him feeling accomplished when he got the hang of it rather than disappointed it was taking so long.
And above all else, he wanted the song to be inspiring and uplifting. Something that would remind him that there was beauty in living and there was always positive light to reach for when things were dark. Maybe Remus was right, he was a bit of a sentimental sap, but he didn’t care. This had to be right. Even if it just helped put himself at peace.
He’d been going over every song he could think of, trying to find something with only a couple of chords that hit the spot the way he wanted it too. All morning he’d been sifting through his old songbooks, not leaving any leaf unturned. It wasn’t easy, as most songs that fit themes, he wanted were too complicated or were easy enough but about heartache or romance, none of which fit the bill.
Then he’d stumbled upon it. It was perfect. I have a dream, by ABBA. When it had come out, Lily had been obsessed with it. She always had it on, trying to remind everyone too hope and keep pushing through the hardships of what was going on at the time. It had been really helpful, especially since, at the time, he’d been trying to give up his drinking. Even after they went into hiding, she played it. Sirius sometimes played it at his own apartment too.
Lily was the kind of person that knew the perfect way to make someone shine, she was just like James in that way. Maybe they hadn’t seen their happy endings, but their deaths had been the start of an era of peace for the entire wizarding world. A chance for people to live again, a fantasy that became reality. A song to cope with anything. To take the future and make it yours even if you failed.
It was perfect.
He doubted Regulus would care and he wasn’t going to bring up why he came up with this song but… it mattered to him. He wanted Regulus to have something to remind him to keep going. He needed that right now, and Sirius would be damned if he didn’t help make it happen.
Sirius picked up the old song book Lily had gotten him for his birthday the year it came out and held his wand over it muttering “geminio”. Instantly the book split itself apart, pulling left and right as it duplicated and a moment later an exact copy sat on his lap, which he handed to Regulus.
“I thought we’d just go straight into it and learn a song, more fun that way I think. Page 21.”
Regulus grabbed the book from him and started flicking through the pages, a little smile on his face. But as he landed on the page the song was on, his smile flickered.
“Are you sure I can learn this?”
“We’ll take it slow, take it verse by verse. I know it already, so I’ll know when you’ve got it right.”
Regulus pursed his lips, “Just A, E and D?”
Sirius nodded and reached for his guitar. Sitting down on the lounge behind him, he held the guitar up against himself and spread his fingers along the fretboard. He stummed.
“A.” he said, then shifted his fingers and stummed again. “E.” He slid his fingers into the final chord. “And D.”
He looked back up at Regulus, “Think you can handle that?”
The small smile returned, “Definitely.”
Regulus sat down on the other lounge, setting the songbook up in front of him and picking up the guitar, trying to balance it in his lap. Sirius had had the foresight to shrink it slightly so his brother would have an easier time doing this, and he was able to pretty well mimic the way Sirius had his.
Regulus stared down at the page for a moment, frowning he read the chord boxes, “Which way do the lines go?”
“Left is the top string, and the little boxes are those spaces on the board.”
Regulus nodded, leaning forward and looking down at his fingers as he tried to place them in the right positions. This set of chords really were some of the simplest, they were only ever across two frets and always bunched together, though that was likely going to make getting them mixed up easier too. But that didn’t matter know.
“Is this right?”
Sirius looked down at the placement and nodded, “If you’re going for A, that’s perfect.”
The corner of Regulus’ mouth twitched up, “So how do I…” He mimed strumming, “do that properly?”
Sirius demonstrated, strumming up and down, letting the A chord play out between them, then held out his hand. “Just put your thumb and forefinger together like this…” he put them down together, “then slide down along all the strings,” he strummed again.
Regulus bit his lip, and held out his hand, trying to copy the way Sirius had placed his fingers. He seemed to have it right, but then as he moved down to make the movement, he paused, “Wait so where do I…”
“I’ll show you.”
Sirius set his own guitar aside, and squeezing in on his brothers right and looking down at the way Regulus had his fingers place. It was alright, but his arm was too diagonal and his fingers a little too close, “Pretty good but…”
He leaned over and held out his hand, twisting and turning it so Regulus could see exactly how it was supposed to be, “try bring you thumb away slightly.”
Regulus did so.
“Yeh exactly and now just,” he went to moved Regulus hand into position but paused, “Can I…”
“It’s fine.”
Sirius smiled then grabbed his brother’s wrist and elbow moving them into a better position, “It’s easier if you tuck in your elbow and straight your wrist out… give it a go.”
Sirius pulled back and Regulus pressed his fingers over the top string then dragged it down against the rest. A soft, woody note rung out from the guitar. Sirius grinned and looked up to see Regulus matching his expression. He strummed it again, this time with a little more strength. The sound came out a little richer, fuller as he managed to his more of the strings with even force, truer to the sound Sirius had played.
“That’s sounds great!” Sirius exclaimed, putting his hand down on Regulus shoulder and giving him a little shake of encouragement. Regulus cheeks pinkened and his smiled turned a little shy, but that didn’t stop him from playing the note again, mouth dropping open slightly as the chord played out.
“Alright go back to neutral and see if you can do it again.”
Regulus nodded and pulled his hands away, letting from stretch out for a second before trying to return to the same position. Sirius watched carefully, this time resisting the urge to correct him so he could figure it out himself. He put them down from memory first, then checked the book to make sure he had it right before giving attention to his strumming hand.
His elbow stuck out a little still, and he could have held his wrist a flatter, but it was a pretty good considering this was his second try.
When Regulus was satisfied he’d done it right, he lifted his hand back to the top string and brushed it down, once again letting a loud note echo out through the room. It was a little less clear than the first time and in response, Regulus readjusted his grip slightly and strummed again, this time achieving a richer, stronger sound.
Sirius couldn’t help but smile as he watched the happy expression bloom over his brothers face as he strummed it again, listening to the sound it made.
“Do you wanna give the next one a try?”
Regulus nodded and together they moved through the other two chords. The E wasn’t any harder and he managed to get that pretty easily, but D proved slightly more challenging. It took him quite a few more tries to coordinate his fingers and figure out how to position them so they weren’t crossing over each other uncomfortably.
“Is it supposed to hurt?”
“Your joints get more flexible over time, but yeh for now it’ll probably leave you a little achy.”
He managed though and before long, Regulus was able to confidently play the chords.
“A.”
Regulus shifted his fingers up around the fret and strummed. A clean note playing out.
“And E.”
Regulus carefully moved his fingers along the strings again, then strummed. Once more a nice note rung out.
“And last but not least, D.”
Regulus face twisted a little with this one, but he adjusted his grip and managed to hold the strings down in the right place, so when he strummed…
“Perfect! That’s fantastic Reg. I told you.”
Without thinking Sirius held his hand out for a high-five and Regulus just looked at it with an eyebrow raised. Sirius’ jaw dropped, “Don’t tell me you don’t remember what I high-five is?”
Regulus snorted, “Of course I do, I’m just not five anymore.”
Sirius gasped in mock offence, “How dare you mock the sanctity of the high-five? You never outgrow it.”
As if to prove his point, Sirius reached down and grabbed Regulus’ wrist, lifting it up to manually slam it into Sirius own outstretched hand. Regulus rolled his eyes but complied and allowed Sirius to finish the movement.
“Happy now?”
Sirius smirked, “Just you wait, I’ll convert you soon enough.”
“Doubt it.” He muttered, though Sirius could see the amusement hiding out behind his eyes.
I definitely will
“Well I say we end it on a high note, and finish here before you start getting too good and don’t need me anymore.” Sirius pulled out his wand, casting “tempus” to reveal…
“Oh shit, it’s 7:30 already,” he glanced over at Regulus who was gently placing the guitar down on the floor in front of him. “You ready for something to eat? There’s still got some soup leftover?”
Regulus’ brow furrowed for a second as he sat back up and glanced at Sirius, but he nodded, and his expression cleared again. “Yeh that… that sounds good…”
---
Regulus
“Thanks…” he said as Sirius placed the steaming bowl in front of him. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a chicken lentil soup, but he was grateful for Sirius having agreed to make it given it was one of the few things he could always get down even when he wasn’t in the best mood.
But, that wasn’t the case right now. Regulus was feeling… good. He was lighter and his head was clearer. The world was still grey but… there had been moments throughout the afternoon with Sirius when he caught flashes of colour in places, he didn’t usually see it. Reds, yellows, greens, blues. Even looking down at his soup, the bowl had a certain brightness to it that he didn’t remember it having the previous night. The blue bowl. Green beans. Yellow corn. Red capsicum.
It was different. A good different. And he had a good feeling he knew why.
Sirius.
He’d been nervous to try learning to play. Excited but incredibly nervous to give something so new and unknown a go. It was the same feeling he had in class when teachers let everyone practice spells for the first time and he felt eyes on him waiting to see if he would get it first or someone would beat the perfect pureblood Black to it. But Sirius didn’t have that look on his face when he handed Regulus the song book and watched him have a turn. He just looked excited for him. Like it was him getting to re-experience something that had brought him so much joy over the years.
The guitar itself had… very evidentially belonged to Sirius. There were scratches all over it and dozens of stickers stuck to the body and along the back of the neck. The little silver tuners even had little engravings on them, a stag, a dog, a moon, a star and a lion, along with a little black piece that didn’t match the others. He figured the star and moon were supposed to refer to Sirius and Remus, perhaps the lion for Gryffindor. He had no idea what the other ones meant; he didn’t let that bother him though. He liked it. It had been his brothers first guitar too.
Playing it had been hard. Much harder than Sirius had implied it would be, but in the same way it was also a lot easier than Regulus had worried.
Every time he did something right, he was rewarded with the note sounding that much better and an enthusiastic applause from his brother. He said to Sirius that he was overdoing it a bit, but on the inside, he was beaming.
The mental game of trying to remember all the positions and the physical skill of trying to actually manoeuvre his body into the right places had consumed every part of his mind for hours. HOURS. There had been a couple moments where he got frustrated and the pressure built up inside him, but Sirius just got him to try it again and as he worked through the solution he was put back to peace. It was like flying and reading. All the unnecessary streams of thought switched off and he was able to focus solely on this one thing. That kind of reprieve from the shadows in his head was beyond rare. It was amazing.
When Sirius had finally announced it was time to finish the session, he’d been disappointed and a little worried the shadows would creep back in the moment he loosened his grip on the instrument, especially when Sirius mentioned dinner. But so far that wasn’t the case.
After he’d gotten the hang of the notes, he’d asked Sirius to play the song for him so he could actually hear it and visualise the end product. He was surprised when he heard it, thinking it was going to be something with a lot more rock influence, but he liked it. It reminded him of Pandora and the sort of music she listened to. She didn’t follow muggle bands, but she loved anything that sounded whimsical or light, and this song was exactly that. She would have loved it and he loved it almost
After he’d gotten the hang of the notes, he’d asked Sirius to play the record for him so he could actually hear it and visualise the end product. He was surprised when he heard it, thinking it was going to be something with a lot more rock influence, but he liked it. It reminded him of Pandora and the sort of music she listened to. She didn’t follow muggle bands, but she loved anything that sounded more on the whimsical side, and this song was exactly that. She would have loved it, and Regulus couldn’t help but immediately fall in love with it too.
Sirius couldn’t have known it, but he couldn’t have picked a better song.
He looked up at his brother, who was staring off into the distance a little smile on his face. He was humming the song in question, probably without even realising.
“Hey Sirius?”
Sirius blinked and snapped his gaze back down to Regulus, “What’s up?”
“I just… I wanted to… say thanks… for doing that…” Regulus looked down at his bowl, heat creeping into his cheeks. “I had fun…”
He felt stupid saying it, like his mother or father was about to jump out from behind the wall and start laughing or chastising him for daring to have fun here. “Life isn’t meant to be fun Regulus”, “Just work harder Regulus”, “Be better Regulus”, “You better no screw it up Regulus”
Fun wasn’t something he was allowed. He was even careful in the way he spoke about quidditch and reading, always scared that if he showed too much interest, they’d deem it a distraction and take it away. Anything and everything were always up for grabs to be used against them. He’d watched Sirius suffer through it their entire lives and learnt to hide himself away to avoid suffering the same punishments.
Part of him had probably grown a little resentful toward them because of how much he pretended to not care as much as he did. But this? This was something he was allowed to have. Something that wouldn’t be taken away if he wasn’t perfect, it at every time. It was his.
When Sirius didn’t answer straight away, his stomach did a little twist.
I shouldn’t have said that. That was so stupid. Why did I say that? He doesn’t even care, he just-
“I had fun too.”
Regulus glanced up and had to physically stop himself from his jaw dropping. Because… Sirius smiling at him. He’d done it a few times, but this was different. This wasn’t just any smile… it was one he’d gotten dozens of times growing up but after 1971 had only seen directed at other people.
It was the smile used to give his brother, James Potter.