Chapter 14
Sirius
Come on, keep it together
Sirius wasn’t having a good day. While it was true that a lot of his days weren’t the best, this day was probably going to make his list of top ten worst. The memory of having to physically restrain his younger brother from attempting suicide wasn’t going to be the moment he used to try cast his patronus. Though he had to admit, there had been a silver lining to it all.
Regulus didn’t hate him.
This had been a wonderful revelation, for about 15 seconds. Then the waves of guilt started washing over him. Waves that only got bigger when Regulus revealed Walburga had him under the imperius curse that night.
All the years he and Regulus had spent after that thinking the worst of each other. It was all a misunderstanding. A calculated and intentional misunderstanding orchestrated by their parents to rip them apart and keep Regulus under their thumb. And Sirius had fallen for it.
Because he should have realised. He should have fucking realised that something was off with Regulus that night. What child could watch someone get tortured within an inch of their life and not react? Regulus had never been able to stomach watching his punishments before that. Part of his punishments often involved being forced to watch Sirius get hurt because they knew he couldn’t handle it.
It wasn’t even like Sirius didn’t know they used the curse on him. They were always putting him under it. Sometimes they forced him into situations that Sirius had initially refused. Other times they forced him to commit horrible acts to teach him a lesson.
For reasons unknown to Sirius, Regulus and Kreature had always been rather fond of each other. When Walburga caught wind of this, she wasn’t impressed with her son associating in such ways with a lowly being. So she put him under imperio and made him beat the house elf senseless. Regulus hadn’t spoken for over a week after that.
So while the revelation that his thirteen year old brother didn’t hate him was like a weight off his shoulders, the weight had been immediately replaced with another. For Regulus, that was all. The lake was where everything ended for him, but for Sirius it was only the tip of the iceberg.
He was still left with questions he knew would never get answered. Regulus didn’t hate him now, but did he start to at some point? Being marked required the person to agree to it, but how much of Regulus had wanted it versus been pressured?
He was also a little bothered that Regulus didn’t hate him. Sirius was an adult who’d had years to reflect on things, but Regulus was still a kid. A kid that had been on the receiving end of Sirius on enough occasions that he should hate him, at least a little bit. It wasn’t healthy to forgive someone believing they’d actively tried to see you hurt.
Sirius supposed that was a consequence of growing up with Walburga and Orion for parents.
It wasn’t like he was upset that Regulus had forgiven him, far from it. He was thrilled that he and Regulus were on the same page. Especially given the current circumstances.
Sirius had been desperately hoping that Regulus’ self-harming had only been a recent venture and the worst of where he was at. That was evidently not the case.
“Start of second year”
That had been a kick to the gut. Sirius hadn’t even realised something was wrong until a few weeks into Regs third year. He hadn’t noticed while they were living under the same roof, only a room apart. He hadn’t noticed for the years that followed. Well… he had… but rather worry he needed help, he just assumed he was going dark.
If I’d helped would things have been different? If I’d taken Dorcas’ concerns in earnest would Regulus have made it past 17?
It was an endless spiral of questions that he would never get an answer too. Because he hadn’t noticed, he hadn’t helped, and Regulus had died.
But he had a chance now and he wasn’t going to waste it.
Just breathe, stay calm for him, do it for him
Remus had offered him a few breaks now, but he couldn’t let Reg out of his sight. Not yet.
It wasn’t as though he didn’t trust Remus with Regulus, he didn’t trust himself alone.
Since this morning, the urges to wash everything away with a drink had done nothing but grow stronger. He knew he needed to take a break, he knew that forcing himself through this was probably contributing to the growing urges. But he needed Remus if he left, and Remus had to be here.
The first few hours had been… alright. Regulus was back to being quiet and closed off, reading his books, and pretending Sirius didn’t exist. He also didn’t protest the new rules about being left alone, though he grumbled when he didn’t get a straight answer about how long they’d be in place.
And then came lunch. After this mornings ordeal, none of them had ended up eating and
“Hey Pads, you want me to make you and Regulus some lunch?”
Sirius looked over at Regulus.
“Feel up to eating something?”
So far meals had been an absolute hit or miss with his brother. Sometimes he didn’t say a word, other times he flat out refused. He wasn’t entirely sure where it was coming from, though with the new revelations he was starting to get a little concerned it wasn’t merely a lack of appetite.
Regulus gripped the edges of his book a little tighter.
“Don’t care,” he said without so much as looking up.
This was what he meant.
Regulus tensed up every single time someone brought up the topic of food. It didn’t matter how calm or relaxed he was, the moment Sirius or Remus dared utter the words he would start getting defensive and snappy. Maybe he was just being paranoid. He himself was the prime example of someone who lost his appetite when he was stressed, but that was different. He just got forgetful, and if someone did pester him about remembering he would make an effort to try eat something, not get angry. Maybe he just wasn’t used to being on the other side, but it felt like Regulus was making a choice to not eat sometimes.
“Thanks Remus, whatever you make would be lovely,” he called out before looking at Regulus and adding, “for both of us.”
Regulus scowled but kept his eyes on the pages in front of him.
When Remus brought in a couple of sandwiches, Sirius realised just how hungry he was and quickly inhaled it. He and Regulus had ended up missing breakfast with everything that had gone on and he didn’t think ham and cheese on bread had ever tasted so good.
Regulus didn’t share his enthusiasm for the meal.
“Merlin did you have to put so much on it,” he muttered, grimacing as he pulled it apart and inspected all the ingredients.
“It’s just a normal sandwich Regulus, it’s no different to our ones,” Sirius replied, trying to ignore the voice in his head that wanted to just tell him to shut up and eat it.
Regulus snorted and muttered something else that was too quiet to decipher.
Just ignore it and he’ll stop
For the most part it seemed this tactic worked, and aside from a lot of grumbling and a couple more comments insulting Remus’ ability to prepare food, he did end up finishing. His demenour had shifted though. Gone was his quiet acceptance and returned was his nasty reluctance.
He was fidgety, constantly repositioning himself and shuffling around. He was also annoyed at Sirius for doing pretty much anything that a statue wouldn’t. It wasn’t much but it did remind him a little to starkly of what led to this morning’s events and he found his own heart rate increasing every time Regulus told him to sit still or be quiet.
His approach was to just ignore it and let Regulus do what he needed to do, but when he stood up and started pacing, tapping his hands together absent mindedly and sighing repeatedly, Sirius couldn’t stop himself.
“You alright?” he tried, trying to sound sympathetic.
Apparently, he didn’t, because “fuck off” was all he got back.
He’s just upset, we know this was going to be hard
“Want to talk about what’s going on?” he tried again, hopefully.
If looks could kill, Sirius would be reuniting with James right about now.
“I said fuck off, are deaf or just too stupid to comprehend me?”
“Well I-”
Regulus groaned, “It was rhetorical.”
Sirius nodded and held up his hands in surrender. He didn’t want to start a fight, it was probably best to just-
“Hey, where are you going?”
Sirius shot up out of his seat, following Regulus who had just stormed off out the door. He didn’t get very far before Sirius had him back in his line of sight, but he didn’t give up any explanation.
“Regulus, you’re supposed to tell us when-”
“Shut up, Sirius you’re pissing me off.”
Sirius balled up his fists and increased his pace, trying to catch up to his brother.
Breathe, just breathe, its fine
“Reg I’m not trying to but we agreed-”
Regulus snorted, “No, you decided, and I don’t have a choice.”
They started taking the stairs.
“Reg you know we’re just trying to-”
“Fuck off, Sirius. I want to be alone.”
Sirius sighed and started taking to steps at a time. Before Regulus was able to reach the top Sirius was right behind him, hand on his shoulder.
“You know that isn’t an option.”
Regulus shrugged him off and turned to glare.
“Well I need the bathroom and you are not following me in there”
You’re hardly making a good point for yourself
“You’ve got 5 minutes, that’s what we talked about”
“And you’re gonna stand outside like a creep?”
Sirius sighed, “I’m going to be near the door, yes”
Regulus glared at him before rolling his eyes and making a show of stomping down the hallways, muttering under his breath.
Does he think I want to be doing this?
Reluctantly, Sirius took his position and waited for Regulus to finish, keeping an eye on the time. One minute, two minutes. He could hear the sink running now so he would be out soon. The three and four minute marks passed and the sink was still running.
What’s taking him so long?
Sirius checked the time again, revealing he still had another 30 seconds. He wasn’t going to give him a warning about the time, but he didn’t really want to go in early.
What is he doing with the sink?
Sirius checked the time again. 20 seconds. 10 seconds. 5 seconds.
Sirius let out a sigh. Time was up. He really thought Regulus was going to play by the rules, at least at first. It was like he wanted them to be tougher on him.
Without announcing himself, Sirius turned around the corner and stood in the doorway. Immediately he spotted Regulus, standing by the sink, just staring at his hands beneath the running water.
What is he doing?
“Regulus?”
Regulus jumped. Yanking his hands out of the stream he immediately put them behind his back and turned toward Sirius, a guilty look on his face. Alarm bells started ringing in Sirius’ head. Shit. He started looking Regulus up and down, searching for evidence something was afoot.
Did he already do something? Did we miss something in here? Was he washing away the evidence?
“Are you alright Reg?” he asked.
Regulus looked at the floor and muttered a very unconvincing “I’m fine.”
Sirius swallowed. He was terrible liar.
“Is there a reason you’re trying to hide your hands at the moment?”
Regulus shifted and Sirius did his best to wait patiently for an answer.
Come on, please prove me wrong
“No I…” He looked at the tap. Then back at Sirius. Then back at the tap again. “No it’s nothing. I just got… distracted.”
Sirius frowned and followed his gaze to the still running tap.
I don’t understand…
Before Sirius had a chance to finish that thought, Regulus stepped back to the tap, took his hands out from behind his back, with the sleeves of his robes pulled over them and twisted the knobs, shutting off the water.
“Let’s go, I want to talk to Remus.” Regulus said sharply, looking him dead in the eye.
Sirius understood what he was saying. He was trying to prove himself.
But why act so secretive…
Sirius didn’t have much of a chance to ponder that question before Regulus was squeezing past him, sleeves still pulled over his hands.
“Wait Reg-” he started.
Regulus didn’t manage to get far. Sirius reached out before he could get out of range and grabbed at his arm, stopping him from moving.
Regulus turned and shot him a withering glance, “What do you-”
“This isn’t going to help us trust you”
Sirius could see the cogs turning in Regulus’ head, weighing up his options and calculating the best route. Couldn’t he see that this sort of behaviour was only going to make them more suspicious of him? How could he be so smart and not see that?
“Fine,” Regulus said, eyeing him cautiously. “I’ll show you after a drink of water.”
He’s still hiding something
It was obvious. Sirius had caught him doing something he wasn’t supposed to, and he was trying to cover it up. Just like how he’d claimed the pen had been an accident. He just couldn’t see how a drink of water would do much.
“Alright.” Sirius said, letting go of his brothers arm and reaching to pull out his wand.
“Accio cup.”
Regulus’ jaw tensed.
He must have been planning to do something on the way down to the kitchen
Sirius snatched a plastic, red cup out of the air as it came flying toward them and pointed the tip of his wand inside.
“Aguamenti,” he whispered, and a jet of water burst out from his wand.
When it was full, he held the cup out to Regulus, but Regulus just raised his eyebrows.
“I’m not drinking your lukewarm summoned water.”
Well, we aren’t going to the kitchen
“Fine.”
Sirius pulled the cup back toward him and keeping his eyes locked on Regulus, backward the bathroom sink and turned the water onto its coldest setting. He didn’t really understand why they were charmed to reach such extreme temperatures, but Regulus couldn’t use an excuse out of this.
He filled up the cup, walked back over to Regulus and held it out to him.
“Problem solved.” He muttered, trying not to let his frustration through.
For a brief moment, Sirius thought he something flicker in Regulus eyes, but before he could figure out what it was the flicker was gone and a scowl was firmly on his face.
Regulus snatched the cup out of Sirius hand, wrapping both his hands around it, and took a sip.
“Happy to show me your hands now?” Sirius asked.
Regulus paused for a moment, adjusting his grip on the cup and taking another sip. He put the cup down on the counter. He took a breath and rolled up his sleeves to his wrists.
Nothing. They were a bit red but that was to be expected after holding onto a freezing cup of water.
What was he doing then…
As if listening to his thoughts, Regulus looked up.
“I was just annoyed you didn’t trust me and wanted a minute to calm down.” He said with a frown, reaching back for the cup and taking another sip.
Oh…
Sirius stared at Regulus, searching his face for something to indicate a lie, but there was nothing there. Not that he could see anyway. Maybe he was just being paranoid. It didn’t look like anything was wrong with his hands, he didn’t have a chance to do anything to cover it up and now he seemed sincere enough.
But Sirius couldn’t shake the feeling he was missing something. Regulus was smart and Sirius had definitely caught him doing something. Maybe he was just jumping to conclusions about the severity but… fuck. He was not cut out for this. He needed-
Sirius took a deep breath.
No. You do not need that, he told himself. That isn’t going to solve anything.
He couldn’t do that, especially not right now. This was more than just a promise. He couldn’t let himself get into that state around Regulus, let alone while he was supposed to be looking after him.
Sirius focused on that thought. Regulus. He was doing this for Regulus.
“Alright well let’s go back-”
“I still want to talk to Remus”
“Oh…”
Sirius hadn’t meant to say that, but it really had caught him off guard. He’d assumed the only reason Regulus had suggested that was to avoid showing Sirius his hands. Or maybe that was just another piece of evidence toward him developing the paranoia that runs in the Black family.
“I mean, yes of course, okay, that’s fine.”
Regulus lifted an eyebrow, “I wasn’t asking permission.”
Sirius winced.
“Sorry, I know, it’s fine- I mean it’s- yes, sorry. Remus. Library. Let’s go.”
Regulus rolled his eyes.
Together they walked back downstairs to the library where Remus had gone to do… well Sirius wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing in there. Remus always found an excuse to spend time in libraries whenever he had a chance. He’d been quite jealous of how much attention Remus gave the Hogwarts library when they were in school. Especially since Sirius had a habit of getting kicked out and couldn’t even sit in there with him.
“Alohomora”
Sirius opened the door and peaked his head in, “Remus? You in here?”
“I am, do you need me?”
Sirius opened his mouth to speak but Regulus cut in first.
“I want to talk to you about something.”
There was a distinct sound of rather book-like hitting the floor and suddenly Remus had popped his head out from behind a row of shelves and was walking toward them. He seemed a little surprised by the request, but was doing his best to cover it up.
Sirius was relieved to lay eyes on him. It hadn’t been long, but he needed to see him.
When Remus got close enough, Sirius had to supress the urge to jump at him.
“What do you need?” Remus asked.
“It’s…” Regulus started, eyes darting between Sirius and Remus. “I want to talk to you, alone.”
Sirius froze. Alone? That would mean he would be…
No… no I can’t…
Regulus gestured toward the door and for a moment Sirius was drawn to it. All the anxiety that had been building up throughout the day urging him to go back through it. Urging him to take it all away.
No. I won’t. I promised… I can’t…
Sirius swallowed, trying to catch Remus’ eye. He couldn’t be alone. If he left, he didn’t know how long he could control this for. There was too much going on, he had too much in his head.
“Reg, I don’t think-” he started, but Regulus was quick to cut him off.
“I don’t care. It’s private.”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Sirius looked at the door. He could hear it calling him. He wanted to go. It would be so easy to go, no one would know. He could tell Remus he needed an early night. It could just be this one time. Then he could start again-
No. No. I can’t do that. Not again.
“Sirius, you need a break anyway” Remus said, giving him a warm smile.
He didn’t know what was going on right now. He had no idea.
So he wouldn’t suspect…
- He couldn’t. He shouldn’t.
“Um...” he started looking at his brother. He could do this. He could this for him. “Come get me when you’re done?”
It went against every instinct telling him to just accept the offer and go. If he set himself a limit, that would help. Knowing Remus and Regulus were going to come looking for him, he had to stay sober for that.
“Of course.” Remus said again and Regulus started moving further toward him.
Sirius could feel the distance growing between him and his brother and anxiety surged through him.
No it’s fine. Remus has him. It’s ok.
The urge to run away and…
No. Just hold it in.
It was a battle on two fronts. His pulse was racing. His vision was getting narrower. Everything was getting smaller and bigger.
“Alright,” he croaked out, trying to get a grip over himself.
Remus smiled. Merlin. He had to hold onto that. He couldn’t disappoint Remus.
Sirius took a step back and gave them a weak smile.
He took another back and looked at his brother.
I have to hold on. I can do this. It’s not for long.
The door shut in front of him.
---
Regulus
It was summer, a few weeks before his 8th birthday and Narcissa was looking after him and Sirius. She’d looked after them a lot that summer, while their parents were attending more events than usual. She was one of the very few people Regulus felt safe enough to be himself around. She smiled when he got excited and didn’t get mad if he jumped around. She played games with him, read him stories, and always greeted him with a hug. Regulus adored her and he liked to think she adored him too.
When Narcissa had come running downstairs, a hastily opened letter in her hand, she asked the brothers if they wanted to play a secret game. Of course, they said yes. Regulus would do anything she asked and Sirius would do anything that was a secret. It was a wonderful game. She took them outside, to the park right by their house.
He and Sirius were not permitted to go there usually. Their mother said it was full of filthy muggles and forbid it. Naturally that only encouraged Sirius to sneak out and see it for himself, and sometimes he dragged Regulus along too. But it was always under the cover of night when the place was deserted.
This was nothing like that.
There were children running about everywhere. On the playground. On the grass. Sirius ran off immediately, but Regulus clung to Narcissa. He didn’t like crowds. He had never met children his own age. The whole thing made him very nervous.
She didn’t force him to follow Sirius though. She found them a nice shady place to sit away from the noise, and she pulled out a couple of books from her bag. Regulus had been happy. Narcissa always had the best books.
Not long after, a girl with short brown hair joined them. Narcissa said her name was Alice, that they knew each other from Hogwarts, and she was visiting London that day. He went back to reading, while the girls sat closely beside each other, giggling and chatting happily.
“Reg?” Narcissa had said at one point, “We’re going for a walk around the park, would you like to come with us?”
He declined and they left, promising to be back shortly, hopefully with some sweets if Alice could figure out the muggle money.
Regulus was enjoying his alone time, reading his book when all of a sudden-
“Hello,” came a small cheerful voice.
Regulus looked up, surprised by the interruption, to see a boy around his age. He had messy dark hair that looked dangerously close to falling into his eyes and his knees were covered in dirt, but he didn’t seem bothered. He was grinning ear to ear, his light eyes shining brightly, and his cheeks flushed from playing in the sun. Regulus thought he looked quite pretty.
Regulus knew he should have said hello back, but he was a little lost for words in that moment and just stared. This was the first time he’d every spoken with a boy his age. Let alone a muggle boy.
“Would you like to play marbles with me?” the boy asked, holding up a little drawstring bag.
Regulus looked curiously at the bag. He had never heard of that game before and Narcissa played lots of games with him.
“I don’t know that game,” he said honestly.
The boy frowned.
“Oh...”
Regulus felt a pang of disappointment as he realised the boy was probably going to leave now. Find someone else to play his game with. But that didn’t happen.
The smile returned to the boy’s face a moment later.
“Well… I can show you if you’d like?”
And so he did.
Regulus abandoned his book and the boy led him to a little patch of dirt with a circle dug into the ground. The boy explained the rules and Regulus listened intently, watching as his eyes shone with excitement and amazed by how accurately he could flick the marbles at the ones in the ring.
The game was very fun. He very badly lost the first few rounds but after he got the hang of it, was able to put up a good fight. Regulus hated losing, but he found he didn’t mind losing against this boy, especially if it meant they got to keep playing together.
Regulus liked when he got to watch the other boy line up to take his shots. He thought it was nice the way he had to keep brushing his hair out of his eyes to concentrate. Regulus thought he was very talented and wasn’t surprised to learn he was apparently the best in his class.
When Narcissa and Alice returned, the boys were still happily playing together. It seemed they had worked out the muggle money and gave Regulus a paper bag of fruit jellies before sitting down together, sharing their own assortment of treats.
Regulus didn’t usually like sharing his things, but he found himself wanting to share his sweets with this boy and offered him a few as they played.
Eventually Alice left and Narcissa called him away, saying it was time to go home. Regulus was very sad to part with his new friend, but he did and reluctantly waved him goodbye.
When they arrived back at Grimmauld Place, all Regulus wanted to do was talk about the boy from the park and so that was all he did. He told Narcissa all about the new game and about the boy who had showed it to him. He told her about the funny way he scrunched up his nose before every shot and how he said the nicest things when Regulus made a mistake.
“…and he said he has a pet cat and I like cats… and he said this really funny joke about space, so I told him my name is a star and he said that was really cool… and he said he likes football and that’s almost like quidditch…”
Narcissa patiently listened to all of his stories, nodding along and asking him questions. After dinner, Sirius took himself to bed, exhausted from running around all day while Narciss and a still very talkative Regulus, curled up together in the living room under a blanket listening to an old record. He was probably just repeating himself at that point, but he was just so happy about his friend. He missed the little drops in his cousins smile when he made some comments, and he didn’t notice the way she tilted her heard when he made others.
That was until he let one thing slip.
“…and he was really pretty, Cissy…” he’d said, completely casually, not thinking anything about it.
He’d paused, expecting her to agree or ask a follow up question like she had every other time, but it didn’t come, and Regulus suddenly felt very sick when he saw the suddenly very sad look on his cousin’s face.
“Did I say something wrong?” he’d asked nervously, the excited smile dropping from his face.
Narcissa let out a little sigh and gave him a sad smile as she tightened the arm around him.
“No, Reg…” she’d whispered, “but we have to keep him a secret alright? Our adventure was a secret remember?”
“I remember.”
“That’s good. Keep it a secret Reg.”
Regulus did exactly that. He never spoke of it to his mother or father. He didn’t mention it to Sirius. He never brought it up with Narcissa ever again. But he never forgot about the boy at the park and he often wondered what happened to him and were he’d ended up. Hoped that maybe one day he would meet him again.
When Regulus finally started Hogwarts, the memory of the park boy was still fresh in his mind and now, suddenly surrounded by other kids his age. Other boys his age. He realised the way he’d felt about the park boy was different to the way boys were supposed to feel about their friends. How it felt different to the way his friendship with Pandora felt. It hadn’t been an easy realisation. His mother had always ranted and raved about uncle Alphard and his… promiscuous behaviour. His choice to never marry. His choice to live with his friend.
Looking back, the realisation was probably what had driven him to start skipping meals in the first place. His mothers voice in his head. Disgusted whispers about older students in the common room. He felt dirty and wanted it to disappear. But it hadn’t. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t put a stop to it.
He never really accepted it, but he did eventually come to terms with the fact it would likely never go away. He stopped fighting the feelings and just tried to ignore them best he could. They came and went. He moved on. He never told anyone, not even Pandora. There was no point. He was a Black and Blacks didn’t do that.