Chapter 15
Regulus
As the door shut behind Sirius, Regulus had to restrain himself from doubling over with relief. That had been a nightmare, not quite the worst of today but he really wasn’t giving himself a break.
After this morning he’d been rather content with reading. It was peaceful, no one was demanding anything from him and he was mostly able to pretend that Sirius wasn’t staring at him 50% of the time. Regulus would have happily sat there all day doing just that, but no, they had to start with the food thing again.
Was he hungry? Maybe. Did that mean he was in the mood to have anything? No. Did he get any choice in the matter? Absolutely not.
Oh, and then the actual food came out. It was ridiculous. How could someone screw up something as simple as a sandwich? Remus had gone completely overboard with every ingredient like it was going to be their last meal. It was too much and just seeing it made Regulus stomach churn. There was no reason why someone his size needed so much. It was disgusting.
He wasn’t just overreacting either, he could feel it all sitting inside him. It made his skin crawl and put him on edge. From there it was like the butterfly effect. The books were getting repetitive, he couldn’t find a comfortable way to sit, his clothes were scratchy and Sirius. Oh his lovely idiot brother Sirius, wouldn’t, shut, up. He didn’t even seem to be making an effort. He was breathing like he’d just finished a marathon. He wouldn’t stop fidgeting and making everything he touched squeak, crack and clang.
It was infuriating and Regulus was ready to explode. Every little thing was just making the pressure building up worsen. He needed to get it out. He wanted it gone. But he couldn’t, which was only making it all worse.
He tried pacing. He snapped at Sirius. He left and hoped that Sirius might just leave him be for a few minutes, but no. Of course not. He followed him the moment he tried to make a getaway. It was a complete stroke of luck that Regulus remembered he could get a couple of minutes alone if he was using the bathroom. Not that that was real privacy. Sirius was there the entire time. Breathing and fidgeting. Listening. Merlin it was humiliating. He was just sitting there counting down the seconds before he could rush in and continue pissing Regulus off. Pushing up the urges he was trying to push down.
Remus had volunteered multiple times already to take over and let Sirius have a break, but no, he was enjoying being the torturer. He refused every single damn offer, because he just had to be the one in charge. He had to be the one calling the shots and playing adult despite the fact he was probably the most immature one in the house.
It wasn’t like Regulus wanted Remus to be in charge. Absolutely not. He wanted to be in charge of himself, but Remus was still foreign enough that he could pretend he was just a teacher or something. Sirius was his brother. An overbearing and constantly in his face sibling, stuck between trying to act like a parent and a friend. At least Remus was consistent, even if his constant calm was annoying.
Not that he was getting that though. Once this five minute, borderline miserable, false imitation of solitude was complete, he would be back to Sirius’ version of annoying, which was so bad it was ruining reading for him. Alright, maybe that gave him a little too much credit. Sirius wasn’t ruining reading, his obnoxious presence was just making it difficult to get lost in books he’d read a dozen times. A new one would probably help.
He had fallen down a rabbit hole researching books like the one he’d been given by Dorcas. He had a whole list of muggle and wizard books alike on his reading list. Not that he could go get them. He was stuck here, with his brother, constantly under surveillance.
So there he was, stuck in an endless loop of self-pity, rethinking all of his recent choices, when he’d messed up.
Frustrated and barley paying attention, Regulus turned the tap on and thrust his hands beneath the running water. Merlin had it been hot. It burned. Every is instincts were urging him to pull away but… it was good. Really good. The painful sting that the water brought with it as it pelted down against his hand drew him in. It was heaven. It was relief. It was exactly what he’d been craving all morning.
Regulus could feel his mood melting away with the heat. The burn was streamlining all his thoughts. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. It was good. It was familiar. It was kicking back everything he’d been stressing about seconds before. He was completely weak against it’s pull.
Sirius was gone. Lunch was gone. Time was gone. He was gone. All that was, was the pressure of the running water beating down on his skin. The warmth burning through every layer. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. It was captivating. He could have done it forever. He would have done it forever. If it weren’t for his stupid brother ruining everything, again.
The moment Regulus heard his name being called, he snapped back to reality, instinctively hiding his hands away. There was no way what he’d been doing was allowed. It wasn’t like he’d done it on purpose, he’d just been caught up in the moment. The relief of it. The release of it. It was an accident. One that he wouldn’t mind happening again.
Sirius didn’t buy his ‘I’m fine’. Regulus knew keeping his hands hidden wasn’t helping push the narrative in his favour, but he couldn’t show Sirius. They were bound to be red and far hotter than they ought to be. It wasn’t like he’d actually been hurt, but what if Sirius made the connection? What if he jumped to the right conclusion? Sirius was bound to just put him under even tighter lock and key.
Then he’d had a brilliant idea. Remus. Sirius was more than likely assuming he’d found something to draw blood with. Remus would confirm that wasn’t the case and vouch for his innocence. Regulus had thought it was foolproof, but apparently Sirius was less of a fool than he thought.
“This isn’t going to help us trust you”
He really should have seen that coming.
So he tried to pivot again. If he was going to have to show Sirius his hands, he’d just have to give them enough time to cool down. But no, of course, Sirius just had to keep being difficult.
He summoned it. He summoned a cup of water just so they wouldn’t have to walk downstairs. If Regulus hadn’t known better, he would have been concerned Sirius had spent the previous night perfecting legiliamency with how well he was matching his moves. But Regulus did know better and he won.
His original intention had been stalling longer but turn the blame on Sirius since he was wasting time trying to work around Regulus’ requests. It didn’t go that way and yet it worked out even better than Regulus could have hoped for. Regulus could barely contain his glee when his hot fingers wrapped around the cup. It was almost instant. He could feel the cup drawing out the heat of his hands, cooling them. It didn’t take away their redness, but now he had a reason for why they would look like that.
Unfortunately it didn’t absolve him entirely of suspicion. He’d just played defence hiding something he supposedly didn’t have any need to hide. Sirius wasn’t completely stupid, as much as Regulus wished he was.
So he lied.
“I still want to talk to Remus”
Was it his best lie? No. Was it the only way he could think of to distance himself from Sirius for a while and hopefully put this whole moment out of memory? Yes.
And it worked perfectly. A little too perfectly if he were honest. Because now he was standing here in the library with a very curious and painfully perceptive Remus expecting Regulus to ask him questions that he’d made a big song and dance about being too personal for Sirius to hear.
"So um... what did you want to ask me?" Remus said curiously.
Regulus suppressed the urge to curse.
This was why he thought things through. This is why he plans things out and doesn’t let his emotions control him. He’d let himself get caught up in the moment and was forced to make a plan of escape on the spot that failed to consider any of the steps ahead of the one he was facing at the time. Like this one.
He hadn't thought about this part of the plan at all. All he’d been thinking about was getting away from Sirius and taking his attention away from the whole situation not the part where he would actually get stuck in a room with Remus if it worked.
Say something
But what was there to say? He'd just made an elaborate show about wanting to speak with Remus alone. That the conversation matter was private enough that he didn't want Sirius around to hear it. Though there were plenty of things he didn't want Sirius hearing the overlap between the list of things he didn’t want Remus knowing, was a circle.
"I... um..."
Regulus looked around, hoping to find something to inspire him. Books? Shelves? Windows? Portraits? How could he spin any of that into a reasonable story that also explained why he didn't want Sirius around?
Something, come on, think of something
He had too, otherwise this was only going to look more suspicious. Remus would tell Sirius he was acting strangely. Sirius would tell Remus about before. They’d put it all together and be even more insufferable. Merlin he was such an idiot. His mother was right, he wasn’t cut out for any of this. There was no way out. He couldn’t control anything; he was just a pawn that took orders. He wasn’t smart enough to think of them himself.
Regulus clenched his jaw. Whatever he said next had to be perfect, he couldn’t risk letting something slip that would just dip a deeper hole.
“Regulus?”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Remus was catching on. He’d been too silent for too long. Why did he keep screwing things up for himself?
“Y-Yes I… I just…” he started but there was no finish to his sentence. He had nothing. He was just a stupid little kid in way over his head trying-
“Would you like to come sit down for a bit first?”
What?
Regulus looked up. Remus was standing there, completely at ease gesturing behind him, back in the direction he’d come from. He didn’t even look frustrated that he hadn’t-
Oh
Regulus relaxed. Remus was under the assumption that the coming conversation was something Regulus didn’t feel comfortable sharing in front of his brother. He probably thought his hesitation to speak was nerves and was trying to be accommodating.
“Um… yes please…”
Remus nodded and led Regulus down the first row where he’d set up a little reading nook. It was small, just a little lounge with a couple of pillows strewn about it with a blanket thrown over one end. There was a little table just by the other end, with a small lamp atop it emitting a warm golden light and a small stack of books, and a muggle pen and notebook beside it. It seemed warm and inviting. Walburga would have hated it, but Regulus quite liked it.
“I can transfigure another lounge if you’d like,” Remus said as he bent over to pick up a book lying just in front of the lounge, presumably the one Regulus had heard drop to the floor after his little announcement. Considering the way their previous conversation in here had ended, he didn’t blame the guy for being surprised. Probably another reason he was acting so favourably.
Regulus shook his head, “No its fine… should be enough room.”
They each settled themselves into one corner of the lounge each. Remus sat by the lamp, his legs stretched out on the floor in front of them while Regulus curled up against the cushions and began twisting his hands together, trying to figure out what he was going to say.
Perhaps he could ask to hear a little more about the last couple of decades he’s missed? Ask for more information on what had become of himself, of his friends, of the world? He needed to learn it all at some point and he could easily pass it off as wanting to hear it from Remus as a more neutral party… except… Regulus didn’t want to hear it from a neutral party. He wanted to hear it from Sirius.
He also had dozens of questions and concerns about what was going to happen to him. Would he ever get a new wand? What happened to his old one? Would he get to finish his education? Would he be able to go on living as Regulus or have to lie about who he was? But all the answers would depend on the state of the wizarding world right now, which was context he wanted to hear from his brother.
He looked over at Remus, studying him carefully. He was calm and was just patiently waiting for Regulus to start speaking. It was very different to the quiet that sprung up between he and Sirius. If he hadn’t been so stressed about what to say he likely would have found it nice. Unless…
Perhaps that is the solution
Regulus cleared his throat, “I um… I didn’t actually have a question…”
Remus frowned, but the calm expression didn’t leave his face.
“Oh… then why did you come looking for me?”
“I needed a break from Sirius.” He said simply, watching Remus for a reaction. He was half expecting Remus to suddenly get very angry, reprimand him for lying, but that didn’t happen.
Remus laughed. He actually laughed. Opened his mouth and laughed. It wasn’t a massive one, maybe a chuckle was a more appropriate descriptor, but it certainly wasn’t the reaction that Regulus had been expecting. Frankly, it was the exact opposite.
“I told him. I said that you would need a break from him eventually, but he insisted that it was all going fine.”
“Yes well… he always was an oblivious idiot…”
“Oh, I am very well aware of that trait of his.” A fond smile appeared in Remus’ face as if he were remembering something happy. He probably was. The two had known each other since they were 11 years old, and a long time had passed since then.
“I don’t know how you put up with him.”
Remus chuckled again, “Part of his charm I suppose.”
“Love really is blind,” Regulus snorted. He thought it was quite funny, but when he looked up he saw that Remus was looking across at him cautiously. “What?” he blurted out. The joke wasn’t that mean, was it?
“How did…” Remus started, but Regulus quickly realised what had happened and couldn’t help himself from letting out a huff of his own laughter.
“How did I know? You two are severely lacking in the art of subtly.”
A pink blush appeared across Remus’ cheeks, which only served to encourage Regulus’ laughter.
Had they honestly thought he hadn’t noticed? Did they really believe they were that subtle? They shared a room, he was fairly certain he’d interrupted a kiss at least twice, they never missed an opportunity to be touching and could barely say each other’s name without smiling.
“Was it supposed to be a secret?” Regulus asked.
“Oh um… well… Sirius wasn’t sure if… you would be…”
“Okay with it?”
Remus smiled sheepishly, but Regulus waved him off.
“Did you two really think I was that dense? Sirius looks at you like the sun shines out of your ass.”
That managed to bring back Remus’ laugh, “He isn’t that bad.”
Regulus had to hold himself back from pointing out the Remus wasn’t any better. Sirius and Remus were the textbook example of romance, a living depiction of the stories Regulus had read about. It almost made him feel a little envious of the love they’d found.
He hadn’t seen it coming. Sirius had had girlfriend after girlfriend at Hogwarts. They never lasted more than a few weeks but he’d always had a steady stream of girls lining up for their turn. His brother had a reputation for that sort of thing. He never would have guessed that Remus would have been the one he actually ended up with.
“When did it happen?” Regulus found himself asking. “I swear he was never without a girlfriend from the moment his fourth year started.”
The red on Remus’ cheeks deepened.
“Well… the girls are his story to tell, but as for us, we were publicly together from sixth year.”
The wistful look came back to Remus and Regulus couldn’t help the pang of envy that hit with it. He couldn’t really help it. They had something he had long since accepted he would never have. In any capacity. Let alone something as loving as the relationship they shared.
His mother had always told him that a suitable wife would be chosen for him one day and he’d left it at that. He’d had… feelings… for many boys over the years, but he pushed it all down. Blacks didn’t do that. Well, not ones that wanted to be apart of the family anyway.
It wasn’t like it was just his family. The whole matter was taboo. That’s why only the bravest of seventh years were ever public about their relationships, and even they kept things much quieter than normal couples. It wasn’t illegal but it was hardly looked at with positive regard. It made sense that these two Gryffindors were part of the crowd bold enough to come out.
Suddenly Regulus realised that maybe there was another reason why they’d wanted to keep it quiet from him. He would have been in 4th year at the time they got together.
Regulus swallowed, “Was I horrible to him? The other me… when it happened…”
He didn’t want to believe he would have said anything but… he ended up with the dark mark on his arm despite not wanting it.
“You… never said anything but… Sirius said he caught you staring sometimes…” he trailed off.
Regulus looked down at his lap where he was twisting his hands together. He knew exactly what the look would have been. He used to give the same look to all the older couples in relationships like that.
“It wouldn’t… I mean I don’t think… it wouldn’t have been…” he took a deep breath “I’m… happy for you both…” he muttered.
He could feel Remus gazing at him intently, but he refused to look up.
A beat of silence passed before Remus spoke up again, “I appreciate that Regulus, thank you.”
Regulus nodded, but still he wouldn’t meet Remus’ eye. He felt like the moment he did, Remus would see right through him and know what was going on in his head. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that.
When Evan and Barty used to ask who he fancied, he lied, said he didn’t like anyone.
When Dorcas had given him that book, he’d wanted to ask what prompted her to choose it but he’d never been able to pluck up the courage. What if it was just a coincidence? Maybe she hadn’t known what it was about…
Pandora had caught him staring at the older kids multiple times and always made a point of saying kind things about their relationships, but what if she’d just been testing him? He couldn’t lose her…
But this was different. Remus was like him. He wasn’t going to be horrible about it and it wasn’t like his parents were going to find out.
Regulus had been keeping this to himself for years, never daring to utter a word about it no matter how much he felt like he was crumbling on the inside. He didn’t want to be this way, but the feelings wouldn’t go away. Even though he had long since accepted that they weren’t going to change, it didn’t make keeping them locked away any easier.
Because he wanted it. It felt good. Those moments before he caught himself wishing he could act on his feelings and just let himself imagine that life… It hurt how much he wanted it, but he couldn’t. That wasn’t the life he got to live and he couldn’t risk anyone finding out.
He’d spent years telling himself that he couldn’t. Reprimanding himself for his thoughts. Denying, denying, denying.
Regulus didn’t want to lie to Remus, but he couldn’t say it either. He knew Remus was safe, heck, he knew his brother was safe but… he just… once the words left his mouth, it was real… it already was real but… those specific words were just… scary.
“Reg? Are you alright?’
Yes. Yes I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. This is fine. I’m fine.
“I…” he started, but his throat closed up before he could get anything else out.
Regulus clenched his fists.
Just say yes. Say yes. Get this over with. Leave it behind. There’s no point.
“I…” he tried again, but he couldn’t finish. Why couldn’t he finish?
Regulus looked forward, trying to focus.
Just say I am fine. No more stuttering, Just say it. Push this whole thing away.
But his body was working against him, like it was cracking under the weight of this secret, begging him to be released. He let his eyes float along the rows of shelves and the books all neatly stacked across them, trying to force his mind away from this topic.
“Books…”
“Books?”
Regulus took a deep breath. Was he really going to do this?
“I… could you maybe… pick up a few for me?”
He held still as his mind berated him.
Stop. What are you doing? Are you crazy? Stop this. Go back.
He couldn’t though. He didn’t even really know why, he just couldn’t.
Maybe it was the fact he was so desperate to read something other than the things he’d already read a dozen times. Maybe he actually did just want to tell the truth. Whatever the reason though… he couldn’t stop this train.
“Of course I can… do you have any in mind?”
Regulus nodded, “Can I... write them down?”
A moment later, Regulus had a muggle pencil in hand and a notebook flipped to a blank page. He pressed the lead onto the paper, and dragged his hand across the surface. His hand was a little shaky. His usually very neat scrawl wasn’t as legible as his normal, but it was very clear what he’d written.
Regulus held his breath as he let Remus take the items back.
They were just books. It was just the alphabet put next to each other in different orders. His interest in them didn’t need to mean anything. Except… his interest in them did mean something. There was a reason why he wanted to delve into this specific genre and he had a feeling that he and Remus had similar taste in novels.
No going back now…
He let himself look up, and at the exact same moment, Remus looked up too, meeting his eye. It was silent for a second but then he smiled and nodded his head toward the page.
“I can get these no problem,” he said, and Regulus nodded, waiting for the follow up comment. But it never came. Remus flipped the little pad shut and placed it back on the table it had come from.
“I might have to order a few in but I should be able to get a least a couple in town tomorrow.”
Regulus blinked. Was that it? There wasn’t going to be any questions? Not even a knowing look? He’d just spent the last couple of minutes on the verge of panic, overcome it and now Remus was just… letting it go? Pretending that he didn’t know exactly what this meant?
“Do you have any preference for hardcover or paperback?”
Yep. That was it. Remus was just going to ignore this whole thing and pretend it didn’t happen. He’d just forced himself to make peace with Remus knowing and this was just going to go nowhere?
Regulus spoke before he could stop himself.
“You’re not going to say anything?”
Remus raised an eyebrow, “About?”
“The books? The… you know…” Regulus trailed off, looking Remus in the eye, begging him to fill in the gaps so he didn’t have to say it.
“Do you mean the relationships?”
Regulus opened his mouth, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. Instead, he just nodded.
“Do you want to say something?”
Regulus swallowed.
Yes. No. Maybe. No. Yes. Yes. Maybe. No. Yes.
His fingers were knotted together, his stomach was churning, and his head was spinning.
“I… I’m…” Regulus paused, taking another breath.
“I wanted to say that… well I’m… like you… I’m…”
Disordered. Perverted. Wrong. Disturbed. Sick.
Regulus closed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. The voices in his head were screaming. A waste of blood. Disgrace to the family. An embarrassment to the house of Black. His mother’s voice was the loudest.
He squeezed his eyes shut even more tightly. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t say anything.
The hum of traffic outside was growing louder, his breaths were getting shallower. He tried to ignore the twisting in his stomach and the shiver running up and down his spine. Why was this so hard?
Regulus felt the lounge shift. Remus was standing up.
Shit. He’s leaving. I’ve screwed it up. I’m so stupid. What was I thinking? Why did I do that? I’ve made him uncomfortable. They’re going to kick me out. I’m just making this harder for everyone.
Regulus grip around himself tightened and his hands locked around his arms. His whole body was tensing more and more with each racing thought.
“Reg?”
He was hot. He was cold. He was up. He was down. Everything was too loud and too quiet all at once.
“Can you hear me?”
It hurt. He hurt. He wanted to hurt. The pressure was building up too fast. He was going to explode. He was-
Something pressed down on his shoulder and Regulus’ eyes snapped open.
“Remus?”
The hand on his shoulder squeezed gently.
“Yes, it’s me. Are you alright?”
No
Regulus swallowed, “I’m...”
Dirty. Twisted. Unnatural. Disgusting. His mothers voice filled in the blanks for him.
“…sorry,” he choked, though he wasn’t sure who he was apologising too.
He let himself meet Remus’ eye, who’s face fell the moment their gaze met.
“Regulus, you have nothing to be sorry for. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
Regulus opened his mouth to argue, but Remus spoke first.
“You don’t have to force yourself to say it if you don’t want too alright, but I want you to know that it doesn’t change anything. I’m really glad you feel safe enough to even try.”
“But… I couldn’t… my brain it’s… full of… the words…”
Remus shook his head, “Your thoughts aren’t your fault, Regulus. I’ve been through that. Sirius has been through it. It’s alright. I’m not mad at you for having them. There is nothing wrong with you.”
There’s nothing…
Regulus looked down at the arms wrapped around his chest.
“I know… I just… my…”
Remus sighed, “Your mother?”
Regulus nodded and shrunk back into the lounge as the image of her face popped into his head. The scowl she always wore while ranting about her brother and his choices. The pain of knowing she would have done the same… worse… to him if she knew…
“I’ve never…” Regulus took in a breath, “said it before…”
Remus face came back into view as he crouched down in front of Regulus.
“It gets easier after the first time and if it doesn’t, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.”
Regulus swallowed, “I didn’t… I’ve wanted too… I just… I’m a Black…”
“Sirius is too,” Remus replied, causing Regulus to snort.
“Yes but he… he’s always been the rebel… I’m meant to be…”
“Perfect?”
He nodded and Remus sighed.
“I used to think that too. I know you know about my condition and I’m sure you know the sort of talk that comes with that.” Remus paused, taking in a breath while he thought for a moment. “I got perfect grades, perfect attendance, perfect behaviour. I felt like I had to make up for what I was and sometimes I think my parents even expected it from me too. They were always telling me how lucky I was to attend Hogwarts and be getting these chances. Then I fell for my best mate and that was… well my father was a bit like your mother…”
“But you’re okay now?”
Remus nodded. “For the most part yes. I was lucky that my mother, she was a muggle see, had more progressive views. But Regulus… this doesn’t make you imperfect and you know what? Sirius and I don’t expect you to be perfect. You don’t have to be like that anymore, you’re safe here to be however you want to be. We just want you to be happy.”
I’m not sure that’s realistic thing for me to be…
“Remus?”
“Yes?”
“Please don’t tell Sirius.”
Remus squeezed his hand and Regulus’ shoulder.
“I won’t, I promise.”
Regulus swallowed, “I know he… I get that he won’t mind… I just… I don’t want to talk about, and he’ll want to…”
“You don’t have to justify it. It’s your choice.”
“Thanks…”
BANG! The library door had slammed open.
Remus shot up to a standing position, pulling out his wand and Regulus pressed himself back against the lounge.
“Remus!?” Came Sirius voice, shouting and on the edge of panic. “Remus?! Where are you?”
“Sirius? What’s going on?”
Suddenly Sirius came into view, at the end of the hallway. His jaw was clenched, he was sweating and his face was white.
“He’s back! Remus he’s back! Harry saw it. He’s back.”