Chapter 13
Regulus
Regulus never really chose to be friends with Pandora. After they met, she just sort of latched on and never let him go. It drove him mad in the beginning, trying to figure out why she was acted the way she did. He’d been taught that kindness was earned and yet here she was just giving it away for free.
She was open where he was closed. She lived outside of life where he lived through it. She had this way of making everything feel more and less real at the same time. She understood that reality was a little different for everyone and that no one person’s way seeing it was right.
Regulus saw walls but pandora saw windows. Neither of them could go get to the other side, but Pandora could see it and knew which rooms had doors being built from the inside.
It got her in trouble sometimes. Not everyone wanted someone to see what they had inside and when the wall had spikes, she pressed her nose up against what she thought was glass and got hurt. That was where Regulus stepped in, pulling her back when he saw the danger she couldn’t.
They helped each other, even if they couldn’t quite see what the other did.
So really, the idea that he could have kept anything from Pandora was a grave mistake on his behalf.
There wasn’t really a specific moment that made Regulus realise she knew. She just knew one day and started doing her best to try help him get through.
A child shouldn’t have to help another child through that, but what were they going to do? If a teacher found out, they would just ship him off to Grimmauld Place… If Walburga and Orion found out… They both knew Regulus would only break faster…
It was a horrible situation for Pandora to be stuck in. Because if Regulus reached that final point? No matter which way she turned, or what help she tried to get him, Regulus wasn’t going to make it back.
So she did all she could to try stop him from getting that far. She forced him outside, made him do the things he liked doing. He found it terribly annoying, but in hindsight, it probably was the reason he kept making it to tomorrow.
When things got bad and Regulus didn’t notice, she worked harder. When things got better, Regulus would notice and be grateful. But that was the problem really, because until Regulus got the gift of hindsight and made it out the other side, he never could see the storm he was stuck in.
“Regulus, I’m worried,” she said matter of factly a week after Christmas break.
Regulus just nodded. She’d been saying that for a while now.
“What happened over break? What did they do to you?”
“Nothing. I was fine.” He said plainly.
They were sitting in the astronomy tower, trying to escape the masses of students all congregating in the library. It happened very winter when the grounds were too cold to spread out. For Regulus and Pandora, who very much so enjoyed privacy, the astronomy tower was the only place they could get it at this time of year.
It was beyond freezing, but Regulus sort of liked the feeling.
“Reg…” she started, pressing her lips together, as if trying to decide whether or not to say what she clearly wanted to say. It wasn’t necessary, Regulus already knew exactly where she was going with this.
He felt awful for making her worry so much and he wished more than anything he could ease her concern. He supposed stopping would be a solution but… that was the whole crux of the issue. He didn’t want to stop and that only made her worry more.
“I can’t lose you,” she said.
“I’m not going to do that.”
It wasn’t a lie. He had no intentions of doing that. Not yet. He was fine.
“Would you tell me if were?”
“That’s a stupid question.”
“That isn’t an answer”
He swallowed back the response wanting to jump out, “I’m not going to do it, so there isn’t one to give.”
Pandora sighed. It was the same sigh Sirius used to give him when Regulus wasn’t doing what he wanted. She always did that. Played the I’m older and wiser card when he wouldn’t listen. There really wasn’t much difference between February and August, no matter how much he always fell into the I’m younger and more stubborn role when this happened.
“Pans, I’m fine. I promise.”
Because he was. He was completely fine. Nothing that happened over Christmas was new territory. Maybe it had put a little more into perspective, but it was nothing he didn’t know before. Nothing he hadn’t been punished with before. Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel was getting dimmer, but there was still one there. He still had at least three years before he would be expected to take the mark, there was a chance he would find a way out of it before then.
He wasn’t overly optimistic about it, and he would be lying if the weight of everything wasn’t dragging him down. But perhaps if he did survive, then this horrible feeling inside him would go away. He had to believe that it would. Because if he got out and it didn’t…
Pandora sighed again and looked out toward the balcony, eyes unfocused on the falling snow.
“I believe, you believe that Reg… that’s why I’m so worried…” she said softly.
Regulus leant back against the wall, letting his eyes drift to the same balcony. The place where so many of his dreams ended…
“I don’t want to die, Pans,” he muttered.
A beat of silence passed between them. The chill in the air growing colder.
“That isn’t the same as wanting to live.”
---
Pandora was right
“Reg?”
She completely saw through me
“Hey bud?”
She knew exactly where I was heading
“I promise you’re safe here”
I couldn’t even see it
“I just want to help”
She was right to be so worried
“Reg?”
Regulus shook his head against Sirius chest.
“No…” he whispered, “I haven’t tried that before…”
They were still in his room. They were still in the same spot.
“Have you been…” Sirius took in a sharp breath, tightening his arms slightly “hurting yourself for long?”
Regulus swallowed, every memory of giving himself his little marks replaying like portraits.
I just want it to stop
“Start of second year…”
He winced as Sirius tensed. The guilt really starting to settle in. It wasn’t guilt from doing it. It was guilt for having let Sirius find out, for making him watch a kid go through that. He still wasn’t convinced Sirius was shaken because Regulus was the little kid, but he did believe Sirius was upset.
And as much as he hated himself for it. Regulus didn’t want to see Sirius upset. Least of all be the cause.
“I’m sorry I didn’t help.”
“I didn’t want help…” I’m not sure if I want it now…
And he really didn’t have a clue. Because he didn’t regret the cutting, but he wasn’t sure about what he tried just now. It wasn’t as if he had planned it, but when the opportunity presented itself and the idea crossed his mind… he’d wanted it. Felt a rush of relief that he might actually escape the nightmare he was stuck in.
He knew he would gladly take the chance to hurt himself again. He craved that relief. But if opportunity presented itself, would he try that again? If he did somehow manage to get a hold of something sharp, would he really just go for his legs or would he put it to his wrists.
“That isn’t the same as wanting to live.”
He hadn’t really understood then, but he understood now.
Regulus may not have wanted to die, but he wanted to escape living. It had never occurred to him what that line of thinking meant because he’d always had a way out. Even if they weren’t particularly good ways out.
When Remus and Sirius had taken that away…
“Does anyone know?”
Did anyone know… Regulus wanted to correct him. He was supposed to be dead.
“Pans did... she wanted me to get help but… mother and father…”
They would have just made things worse…
“They can’t hurt you anymore.”
I think that’s the problem…
He should have found it comforting to know they would never be able to touch him again. That he would never be forced to live the way they wanted him to live. But it wasn’t, Regulus suspected that was part of the reason why waking up here had made him spiral so fast.
Regulus had been living in survival mode for his entire life. He never really had a plan for his future besides pleasing his parents and getting through the next day. It was hardly a happy thought but… it was an excuse. It was a reason for why he felt so horrible all the time.
This time and place took away that excuse and forced him to confront the fact that… on the inside… Regulus didn’t really have much. He had not plans, no goals, no desires. He wanted to prove himself to his parents and that was the ambition that put him in Slytherin, but without that pressure? That fear? The threat? Well it wasn’t a very happy thought.
The life had been sucked out of him without him even noticing. He had always assumed that if all his problems went away that he would be able to bounce back. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. And now Remus and Sirius knew that too.
Remus was probably downstairs casting a lot of charms right now. He had cleaned up the mess in here earlier. Brought tea in mugs charmed against breaking. All those sorts of spells would need recasting every few days. It would be a boring and tedious job. But it needed doing. Regulus had just proven he couldn’t be trusted.
He figured this would be a standard sort of thing to do for a kid who had just pulled a stunt like this.
Not that he was happy about it, or well… maybe he was a little bit… but it was all very conflicting right now. He figured that would be a rather typical reaction too, but he had another layer of confusion on top. The motivation driving Sirius and Remus to be doing this.
Because deep down Regulus wanted Sirius to show him that he cared and be the big brother he used to be. He wanted to just fall apart and have someone piece him back together. But Sirius didn’t care.
“No brother of mine”
He didn’t want Regulus around. He didn’t even want him alive.
This whole caring thing he was doing right now? The caring thing Regulus was completely taking advantage of because he wanted to believe it so badly… It had to be an act. It had to be show because he felt guilty that a child was having a rough time. It was in spite of him being Regulus, not because it was him.
And that hurt. That really fucking hurt. Because he wanted Sirius to love him. He was sitting here, and against every instinct telling him not to do it, he is letting himself have a breakdown in his brother’s arms because he was just too tired to resist right now. It was pathetic.
It was pathetic that he wanted Sirius despite everything. It was pathetic because he wanted saving but also wanted to be let go. He was pathetic because he wanted everything to get fixed but nothing to change all at once.
“Why are you doing this, Sirius?” he whispered.
“Doing what?”
Regulus turned his face into Sirius chest. Savouring the warmth. The touch. The feeling that was about to go away when he made his brother realise who exactly was in his arms.
“Stopping me…” he muttered.
There was a moment of silence. He was expecting this. Sirius was putting it all together and figuring out what was going on. That this wasn’t just a helpless little kid, it was just another one of his crazy, sadistic, death eater relatives.
Sirius swallowed and Regulus braced himself for it.
“Because I care about you, Reg. I can’t sit by and watch you… die...”
That was not the answer he’d been expecting to hear.
Regulus pulled away slightly, to get a look at Sirius face and-
Oh…
He was… well… his skin was all red and blotchy, puffed up around the eyes. His lashes were all clumped together and his brows were knitted together, but the rest of his face was all droopy. He looked exhausted. He-
That doesn’t mean anything, Regulus warned himself. He couldn’t let himself get tricked. He couldn’t take being let down anymore.
Regulus looked down, unable to hold his brother’s gaze. His eyes caught on his wrist. The one he’d cut. Sirius had stopped him before he could get deep enough to do anything permanent. Why had he bothered?
“You didn’t mind at the lake…” he said.
He heard Sirius exhale deeply.
He was still looking down at his wrist with the dried-up blood, when he felt Sirius shifting around to face him.
Sirius looked him straight in the eyes, tears glistening and his hands holding Regulus’ shoulders.
“I never meant for that to happen, Reg. I have regretted that moment every day since it happened. I was arrogant and stupid… When I jumped in after you I-”
“You tried to save me?” he asked in disbelief.
But… but he…
Why would he have done that? Why would he ruin his own plan? Unless…
“Of course I did, bud,” Sirius choked out. “I was upset and being an idiot, but you were never meant to end up in that water. And you don’t owe me your forgiveness, but I need you to know that… I have never stopped caring about you, Reg. Not after that Christmas. Not after you were marked. Not after you died.”
Sirius… he… did he not… how didn’t he…
Regulus searched Sirius face, looking for something, some kind of sign that he was trying to trick him. Because surly this was fake, a trick to just get him to… to… something. But no matter how hard Regulus inspected, he couldn’t find fault…
“I’m never going to stop caring about you, alright? You are my brother, Regulus. I will always love you. You can hate me as much as you want but-”
“I don’t hate you…” Regulus whispered as he closed his eyes.
“You are my brother” “I care about you” “I never stopped” “my brother” “always love you”
The words echoed in Regulus head as his mind leapt about, drawing conclusions, and making connections about what they meant. How was it possible? Could it really be true? What does it mean? His hopes crashed with his fears. His worries mixed with his desires. It was a mess but… one thing stood out above all else. When he put everything together he kept landing on the same answer.
Sirius… doesn’t hate me…
“You are my brother, Regulus”
A cold wave of relief washed over him, one that he never thought would exist. And he breathed. He fucking breathed. Because… Sirius didn’t hate him. Sirius cared about him. About him. Regulus. Sirius cared about Regulus.
Regulus leaned back into Sirius, and the wave of relief crashed over him all over again when Sirius let him.
And let him.
And let him.
And let him.
Sirius didn’t pull away. Sirius didn’t push him back.
He doesn’t hate me… He actually…
Regulus’ heart was beating so fast he thought it might explode. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream.
There were so many emotions going through him right now. So many thoughts about where he was and why he was in this moment. But it was all overpowered by this one thing. Something he had been wanting to hear his brother say for years now. Shock. Relief. Confusion. Joy. Greif. Fear. Hope.
“I thought after Christmas…” he started, but Sirius cut him off.
“No, Reg. You don’t have to explain. What could you have possibly done? You were… well… you are barley a teenager Reg. I forgive you. Even if you do hate me. I forgive you.”
Regulus shook his head, suddenly finding his voice. Sirius had to know.
“No, Sirius. That night…” he paused.
It probably sounded silly that he was nervous to tell Sirius the truth, but he had to get it out. Sirius thought he had chosen to be in that room. Truly laughed at his pain with the others and left him to die. He had believed that for the last twenty years.
After they returned to Hogwarts after break, Sirius had barley even looked at him. Regulus had wanted to apologise. Wanted to explain what happened. But he was terrified it would get back to their parents or worse… he was scared that his apology would mean nothing to Sirius.
He believed so deeply that Sirius hated him, he didn’t really see the point in trying to fix something already broken. But he had a chance now. He had a chance to truly clear the air. Sirius thought he had chosen to be in that room. Truly laughed at his pain with the others and left him to die. He had believed that for the last twenty years.
“Mum had me under the imperius…” he muttered, hoping with all his might that Sirius would believe him.
He held on tightly…and Sirius held back.
“Reg what… why didn’t… all those years… Reg why didn’t you tell me… I thought…”
“I-I didn’t think you would believe me…”
Sirius exhaled and for a moment Regulus worried that he’d just inadvertently planted a seed of doubt in in his head. But he needn’t worry.
“Oh Bud… I’m so sorry…”
Regulus explained more of his story after that. Sirius explained more of his back.
They exchanged meanings behind moments where one thought one thing but the other thought something different. This was a little more difficult for Sirius given so much time had passed, but they managed and Regulus couldn’t believe how grateful he was to finally have his brother back.
It was a little different. Sirius was older now, bigger than he remembered, a little more subdued. But Regulus didn’t mind, because for the first time in a long time, right here in this moment, he felt safe.
Regulus knew this feeling wouldn’t last for long. He wasn’t naïve enough to think this was going to fix him or even make him want to be fixed. He was far from happy, and he was far from okay. But this was something. Even if it only lasted right now, it was something.