Chapter 12
Sirius
He hadn’t slept that night and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to ever again. Finding Regulus… like that… had switched something inside him, and he didn’t think he would ever be able to switch it back.
When he’d first seen those marks, everything turned off. He hadn’t been able to do, think or say anything as Remus wrapped himself around him. He couldn’t take his eyes off him, scared that he’d disappear in a pool of blood if he looked away for even a second. It was just… too much.
He knew people did it sometimes. He’d thought it about it himself on several occasions. But he’d never actually done it, never actually taken the thought further than his imagination. He just couldn’t believe that… Regulus… his little brother… had reached that point.
After a few minutes or a few hours, he wasn’t sure which, Remus whispered something in his ear and cast a silencing charm over the room. He said a few more words, before he started pulling open ever cupboard and drawer, meticulously going through then and taking everything with a sharp edge.
As he watched Remus handle all those objects, numbness gave way to nausea as his mind forced him to imagine Regulus holding them… using them… pressing them against his skin…
He’d seen Regulus beaten bloody by their father. He’d seen him sliced apart by their mother. Sirius had never thought anything could be worse than that, but this was. This was a thousand times worse and more.
Eventually Remus came back to him. They talked about their options. Settled on a plan.
It wasn’t easy leaving him alone. It went against every instinct screaming at him to never let him out of his sight again. But he knew it had to be done. Trapping him in this room and forcing the truth out wasn’t the way to go about this conversation. He knew what that felt like, and he did not want to put Regulus through that.
First, they locked every room in the house Regulus didn’t need to access too. The guest rooms, their room, the study, the basement. All of them were charmed shut.
Then began the search, tearing every room apart trying to locate things that could be used to break the skin. It was tedious trying to do it by hand, but they couldn’t exactly summon a hundred different sharp objects unless they wanted to injure themselves.
They put away everything they could possibly think of that Regulus might be able to turn on himself. There were the obvious things, knives, razors, scissors, scalpels. But the more they searched the more they were forced to take. What was already sharp? What could be made sharp? How far was he willing to go?
When they began combing through the library, they reluctantly decided it would have to be locked too. It was just too big and they didn’t trust themselves to find everything. Regulus would just have to be supervised if he wanted to enter.
Next was the living room, the kitchen and the bathroom. Every drawer, cupboard, nook and cranny checked.
Regulus room had been the worst, not because it was full of particularly dangerous items, but because they knew this was where he’d been doing it.
This time they didn’t take any chances and opted to risk a summoning charm. They had been prepared to find all sorts of sharp things hidden away, but they were surprised when no such things flew their way. No blades, no broken glass, no needles. Nothing. They’d been at a loss. That was… until they opened the desk drawer to search manually and found the pen.
Everything clicked into place with that.
Remus mentioned he’d been able to smell traces of blood on him, but when Regulus explained his accident with his arm, he let it go. His resistance to having it healed had been strange, but they just assumed he was being stubborn about accepting help.
But now it made sense. It hadn’t been an accident at all. Somehow, he knew about Remus’ condition and had made the wound to cover up the truth. He refused to have it healed knowing the lingering scent of blood would alert them to his other injuries.
It bothered him just how cunning Regulus had been. How calculated his actions had been to avoid detection. They wouldn’t fall for that trick again but… it worried him what else Regulus might be able to slip past them. They did another, even more thorough search over the house after that, specifically making sure to confiscate all the quills and pen nibs this time around. They couldn’t take any chances.
That also meant keeping his door charmed open.
Sirius knew he wasn’t going to be happy about that, though he supposed he wasn’t really going to be happy about any of this. They were taking away his choice. His privacy. His freedom. It wasn’t lost on Sirius how much it reminded him of their parents and the guilt was almost unbearable.
But he didn’t have any other choice. He couldn’t let him keep hurting himself and he was under no delusions that Regulus would just stop if they asked him.
They’d considered the possibility of getting him a mind healer, but that option was ruled out almost immediately. He was supposed to be dead. Sirius was a wanted criminal. Remus was a known werewolf. They’d have to lie about so much it would completely negate the effectiveness.
The only advantage they really had was that Regulus wouldn’t be able to harm himself without Remus finding out, which meant, at the very least, they wouldn’t have to force him to prove he was clean. Though, any sign he was trying to cover something up would rescind that.
They talked extensively about how they were going to approach the conversation. When they should bring it up. Whether they should say it outright or try get him to admit to it. How they would explain what they were going to have to do. It was an impossible task.
He was going to realise something was going on fairly quickly, what with the locked doors, drawers and cupboards. But it was entirely possible he wouldn’t realise why they had done it until he tried to find his usual tools, which at this point, they were reasonably sure was the pen from his desk.
It was also completely unknown territory on how Regulus was going to react to all this. His go to method seemed to be trying to escape but when he realised that was no longer an option, they didn’t know what he would do. Would he get angry? Scream and shout? Fight back physically? Turn on himself in another way?
There was also the possibility that more secret rooms existed in the house, which was probably their biggest point of concern right now. They just had to hope that either Regulus didn’t know about them or there really weren’t anymore. The uncertainty was hardly comforting and meant letting him out of their supervision was going to be ever harder.
They’d hung out in the living room for a few hours after that, going over everything and trying their best to relax as they waited for Regulus to come out on his own. If he didn’t leave the next day, they were going to collect him, but they wanted to give him the chance to choose it himself. They wanted to give him as much autonomy as they could given the circumstances. In line with that, they were going to wait for Regulus to start the conversation rather than force it onto him. They were reasonably satisfied they’d taken enough precautions he wouldn’t be in immediate danger and didn’t want to push him too hard.
Maybe in different circumstances their approach would have been different, but this was undoubtedly a unique problem to be facing.
They eventually retired for the evening, but Sirius hadn’t been able to sleep at all. Wide awake waiting any sign that would indicate Regulus had left the potions room. The moment he’d felt the alert that someone was trying to open the kitchen drawers he had sprinted downstairs.
What if he’d already figured it out? What if he was already looking for something to hurt himself with? What if he found a way around the charms?
When he realised that all Regulus had been trying to do was prepare himself something to eat, the wave of relief had been nothing like he’d ever felt before, though it only lasted a second. When he looked back at Regulus, all he could see were the memories of the cuts on his body. All he could think about was the place they were hidden beneath his robes. The fact Regulus had no idea he knew they were there.
He tried his best to cover up his panic, but he’d always been a terrible actor and Regulus picked up on it immediately. The way his eyes followed his to the locked drawers, the way they both knew not to speak.
The worst part had been watching the moment Regulus tried to shut his door and realised he couldn’t. The shattered and confused look on his face as Sirius told him it was to stay open.
He never thought he would have to be doing this. Least of all for his brother. But here he was.
When he crawled back into bed. Sirius curled up to Remus’ side and sobbed until the sun began to rise.
---
Regulus
"Fuck"
He slammed the desk draw shut.
They'd figured it out. After all this time and everything he'd done to cover it up the two idiots had managed to figure it out in a matter of days.
Regulus was at a loss for what to do. How could he face them knowing they knew? How the hell did they even know? What did he do to give himself away?
This was his choice. It was his body, and it was his life. What gave them the right to take this away from him. Regulus collapsed against the table leg, pressing his head against his knees.
He hadn't even wanted to do it before, but now that he couldn't? Now that he didn't have that choice anymore? It was all he wanted to do. Even more so now he knew that Remus and Sirius knew.
Fuck, fuck, fuck
Ever since Sirius had left him standing at the door, all he'd been doing was trying to figure out what was going on. He paced up and down, up and down. Going through everything that had happened that day that might have given him a clue.
At first, he'd thought it was just them trying to stop him from hiding again. That made sense for forcing his door open, but he was still free to move in and out of his room. There was nothing in place to stop him leaving and going back to where he'd been the last several hours.
That theory also didn't explain why the drawers were closed. He had thought that could be explained as them not trusting him to eat alone after his recent refusals. Locking away everything he needed to cook so he would have no choice but to ask them to prepare it and eat in front of them.
But that didn't explain his door.
The thought there might no be a reason crossed his mind as well. Perhaps it was a just a punishment for yelling at Remus. For not doing what they wanted. For running away.
That explained both categories pretty well. Taking away the little privacy and autonomy he had in the first place sounded exactly like the sort of thing his parents would come up with. Forcing proximity knowing isolation was what he wanted most.
It wasn't perfect and still left some unanswered questions. Like why Sirius hadn't been more angry when he found him. Or why he looked worried he was trying to get into the draw as opposed to smug he couldn't.
In the end, as exhaustion began to seep in, and he found himself thinking in circles he decided to sleep on it. He laid himself down, wrapping himself beneath the covers and tried to drift into sleep.
Unlike earlier, this wasn't a good sleep.
His nightmares were plagued by his mother and father creeping in through his open door. Punishing him for his failures. Cursing him for his weakness.
The dark lord was there too, branding him with the mark and forcing him to turn on the people he loved. Pandora. Evan. Dorcas. Barty. All of them screaming traitor as they died by his hand.
Even Sirius appeared this time. His form shifting between his younger and older self as he taunted and threatened him. Sometimes cursing him right alongside their mother and father.
He screamed and begged, pleading for someone to save him. But no one came. No one ever came. He just continued to suffer, the pain getting worse and worse until at last it was too much to bear.
Somehow, he'd ended up back at Hogwarts, climbing the steps of the astronomy tower. He positioned himself atop the railing and for a while he'd just sat there, staring up at the night sky. At his father. His brother. Himself.
With tears streaming down his face, he'd rolled up the sleeves of his robes. He'd pulled out his potions scalpel and with one, final deep breath, plunged it deep into his wrist. It'd hurt and he'd screamed. Crying out as he dragged the blade up the centre of his arm, ripping apart the flesh as blood poured out of the wound.
He'd passed the blade to his other hand, barely able to grip it as his strength slipped away. He'd dug it into his other wrist, and he'd screamed again as he tore through his skin, leaving behind a deep, oozing red gash.
Then, as he'd sat there, the darkness seeping in as the blood seeped out, he'd kept his gazed fixed on the sky, staring at his brother's star. Until finally, he'd fallen.
It wasn't a new ending to his dreams.
Regulus had woken up then, gasping for breath and reaching for his bloodless wrists, the pain still fresh in his memory.
He'd just been looking around his room, trying to distract himself from the phantom ache, when his eyes had landed on his open door. A chill had run down his spin as realisation struck him across the face.
He'd leapt out of bed and darted toward his desk, yanking the drawer open and searching desperately for his pen.
It hadn't been there, and now, he was here. Cursing Remus and Sirius left and right for their stupid, fucking control freak decision to take away one of the only things he had left.
They locked the kitchen drawers because that was where the knives were. Sirius had freaked out because he thought Regulus was trying to find them. The door was charmed open so they could check on him without any warning.
He wanted to believe he was wrong, but he wasn't stupid. This was the perfect explanation. Even if it turned out they were just acting on a hunch or even out of pure paranoia, whatever their reasoning, they’d backed him into a corner, and he wasn’t going to be able to cut his way out.
“Fuck” he muttered, running his hands through his hair, and pulling at the roots.
He’d never needed it so badly before. He’d never not been able to give himself the relief. Everything was spiralling out of his control, and he couldn’t see an end in sight. This wasn’t going to help him, this was only going to make him worse. Couldn’t they see that? Couldn’t they see how much he was going through? How could they take this away from him at the time he needed it most?
Regulus put his head back, resting it against the desk trying to ignore the way his skin was tingling, begging for relief. He just wanted to give in to it. He needed to make it stop. Why wasn’t he allowed to make it stop? He never asked to be this way. He just didn’t want everything to hurt anymore. Why was he in trouble for just trying to survive? That’s all he was doing. He just wanted to feel better.
Regulus swallowed.
He really had no idea what to do.
I just want to go home
He missed Pandora. He missed Dorcas. He even missed Evan and Barty. He wanted his books backs and his clothes back. He wanted to go flying and play chess. He wanted to go to sleep, wake up in his dorm room and forget this whole thing ever happened. It sucked there too but at least he had some things that made it worth it.
Every minute since he’d first woken up had been a complete and utter nightmare. He wanted it to be over but it just kept getting worse. He was sick of this version of his brother and was tired of feeling like he was living under lock and key. Regulus wanted his Sirius back. His big brother. The one who used to protect and hold him and make all the bad things go away. He missed him.
Regulus was aware that there were tears welling up in his eyes. He knew that his door was wide open. Anyone could walk in right now and see him but he just couldn’t find the will to care. Or maybe he did care, just in the other way. Maybe some stupid part of him was hoping someone would walk through the door. Sit down and tell him that it was all going to end up okay. That he’d make it through to the other side. Because he really, really couldn’t see himself getting there anymore.
---
Sirius
“Told you I’d manage it someday,” Sirius whispered as he put down Remus’ cup of tea on the bedside table.
It was the crack of dawn, too early even for Remus who had become something of an early bird as he’d gotten older. He didn’t even stir at his words. Sirius didn’t mind this though, he loved it when Remus was sleeping. His face all soft, the decades of built-up stress gone. He used to sit by his bed for hours after full moon, just so he would be the first thing Remus saw when he woke up. It had driven James mad, especially back when he couldn’t give a good reason as to why he wanted to do it so badly. Back before he could even give himself a satisfactory reason.
Merlin, he missed those days.
Sirius leant down and gave Remus a soft kiss on the cheek, before casting a stasis and charm and heading out to face the reality of today.
He’d managed to resist the urge to check on his brother for the entire night, promising himself that he wouldn’t disturb him until the sun had risen at the absolute earliest. He still felt incredibly guilty at doing all this. Taking away Regulus’ choice, but this wasn’t something he could let go. He had to protect him, even if it meant protecting him from himself. That started now.
Sirius looked inside the room.
His heart skipped a beat when he saw Regulus slumped over by the desk.
No no no no
Had they missed something? Had he found a way around the locks? Was he alive?
Frantically, he stepped froward, but as quickly as the panic had risen, it started coming back down.
Regulus had shot upright the moment the sound of his step echoed through the room. Startled by the sudden sound, his head turned sharply to investigate its source. When its gaze landed on Sirius, his face hardened and pointedly looked away.
He’s alright. He’s fine. It’s ok.
“Leave me alone,” he said. He sounded tired.
“I just wanted to see how you were doing”
“Great. Now leave.”
He was expecting this.
“You sure?”
Regulus turned and glared.
“Why? Should I not be?”
It wasn’t a question. He was daring Sirius to say it.
“You just seem… a little upset” He replied with his eyebrows raised. He wasn’t going to say it. He wanted Regulus to come to them, not force it out.
He was expecting a sharp response, for Regulus to fire back a sarcastic retort. But he didn’t. The fight in his features just dropped away as turned straight ahead, bringing his knees to his chest.
“I said go away,” he muttered.
Sirius swallowed. He sounded so… defeated.
“Do you… wanna come down for some breakfast?”
“No. Leave.”
“I could… bring something up?”
“No. Leave.”
Sirius made a point of leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms. His original intention had been to just check on him and go, but he’d also been expecting to find him asleep in bed. Now, he had absolutely no intention of leaving this room without him.
A few moments of silence passed, and Regulus groaned.
“Can’t you ever just do something I ask?”
“Nah, it’s part of the older brother honour code”
“Right,” he scoffed.
The silence stretched on.
Sirius readjusted his position a few times, struggling to keep still and supressing the very strong urge to pace or speak. His suffering seemed to be amusing Regulus though, who’s mouth upturned every time he shifted.
Sadistic git, he thought as he tugged down on his shirt.
He wasn’t sure how much longer he was going to last. It occurred to him then, that this was most likely the exact thing Regulus hoping would happen. That he could just wait him out and eventually Sirius would leave. The plan probably would have been a good one in any other circumstance, but he wasn’t going to win this time.
So he waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.
It was horrible.
He made do though. Which was impressive, given how painfully dull his brothers room was. He silently counted the number of folds in the curtains. 29. Then all the floorboards. 576. He also tried counting the rows of thread making up his sleeve, though he lost count after 2000.
He was just about to start again when Regulus groaned.
“Can you stop that?”
Sirius frowned, he wasn’t doing anything.
“Stop what?”
“Tapping your foot.”
What? He wasn’t even- Sirius looked down at his feet.
Oh
He stilled his foot. He wasn’t trying to annoy him, he just had a very short list of things he wanted to do and unfortunately for his brother, none of them included leaving him alone for extended periods of time.
The silence continued after that.
He went back to his counting game after a while. He counted the furniture. 7. He counted the patterns on the wallpaper. 192. He counted the floorboards again. 631. And again. 593. Merlin, he didn’t think he was that bad at-
“Quit it already.”
Sirius looked down. Low and behold his foot had started tapping again.
“You know… this will be a lot easier if you just-”
“Fine.” He burst out, “Whatever. Bring something up. I don’t care. Just piss off.”
Sirius grinned.
It sounded to him like his brother thought ‘bring something up’ meant going downstairs to prepare it thereby leaving him alone for a little bit. To be fair he intended for it to come across that way when he said it, but unfortunately for Regulus a trick was all it was. Sirius had already made the breakfast and it was just waiting for him to re-materialise it.
Holding out his wand, he muttered the incantation and two bowls of oatmeal appeared on the ground just in front of where Regulus was sitting, who looked rather unimpressed.
“Oats alright?”
Regulus muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like ‘git’, though he couldn’t be sure.
Sirius hesitated before deciding to enter the room, sitting opposite Regulus, putting his wand down beside him.
“It’s just a honey and peaches, promise it’s not poisoned,” he said, inspecting the bowls and looking for the one with the most bits of fruit.
“That’s a shame”
Sirius froze.
He’s just joking, he told himself. It was just a joke. He was just kidding.
Because of course Regulus didn’t mean that. Just because he was… didn’t mean he wanted to kill himself. He just wanted a way to deal with everything. He’d had plenty of opportunities to do that if that’s what he wanted. It was fine. He was fine. He was just joking around.
He looked up, locking eyes with Regulus.
“That isn’t funny,” he said firmly.
Because it wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t. Especially not right now.
Regulus just stared at him blankly before his eyes flicked down to the bowl.
“I’m not eating that”
Sirius sighed. Trying to keep himself calm.
“Come on Reg, just a little bit”
“I’m not hungry”
Sirius swallowed. Was he going to be like this the whole time? They just wanted to help him.
“Regulus-”
“Why can’t you just leave me alone?"
“You know why…”
Regulus looked up; his face taut with anger.
Before Sirius could react, Regulus was moving, reached forward. He grabbed one of the bowls, raising it up and SMASH. It cracked apart against the ground, its contents spilling out onto the floor and big shards of ceramic falling around where it landed.
Sirius reached out, but he was too slow. Regulus had picked up one of the pieces and was standing up, backing himself away toward the mirror, rolling up his sleeve.
“This is it right?” He shouted, waving the edge of the shard toward his wrist, “You won’t leave me alone because of this?”
Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He jumped up on instant, reaching forward to-
“Don’t,” Regulus ordered, pressing the shard against his arm. Sirius stopped. His eyes flickering between the shard and his brothers face.
Shit, shit, shit
He had to stop this. He reached for his wand-
Fuck
It was still on the floor. He couldn’t get to it.
Sirius looked back up at Regulus. His eyes were wide open and his hands were shaking. Angry? Scared? Sirius couldn’t tell, his own head was going haywire, looking at the sharp piece of ceramic threatening to break the skin on Regulus arm.
Sirius took a step forward desperate to try close the gap between them-
“Stop,” Regulus shouted, “Stay away from me”
“Reg please just-”
“No.”
Regulus pressed the shard even harder, the skin bending against its edge.
Sirius put up his hand’s arms. He couldn’t watch this. He had to stop him. His heart was racing and a million thoughts were running through his head. Stop him? Grab his wand? Talk to him? Call for Remus? He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to make the wrong choice.
Was Regulus really going to try kill himself? Was he just trying to scare him? Remus was good with healing charms, but he wasn’t exactly a healer. Healing charms worked best on willing patients. Neither of them had the kind of training to heal someone against some resisting the magic.
“Regulus,” he started his voice low, “Just put it down.”
“I don’t want to,” he shouted back, but his eyes were turning red, and Sirius could see tears starting to well up.
Sirius swallowed.
“I know, just-”
“No,” he screamed again, “It’s my choice.”
“Please Reg-”
Regulus gasped, and Sirius saw the tip of the shard break through the top layer of skin.
Fuck, no
“It’s m-my b-body, S-Sirius. It’s m-my l-life.” Regulus choked out, pushing deeper again, but not yet enough to draw blood. Tears were threatening to spill over and his whole body was starting to shake.
“That isn’t the point”
“S-stop pretending you g-give a shit” he said, pressing himself further against the glass behind him.
“I’m not-”
“Y-yes you are. You… you h-hate me…”
Sirius watched as red started to seep out of his brother’s wrist. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t watch this. He had to step in before he did something he couldn’t take back.
Sirius made his choice.
He jumped forwards, reaching out toward Regulus.
Regulus saw it and twisted himself toward the wall, shielding himself, but Sirius was too strong.
Sirius used one arm to grab Regulus’ wrist and pull it away from his bleeding arm, wrapping his other his brothers’ shoulders to hold him still.
“No. Stop. Let me go.” Regulus shouted, fighting against Sirius’ grasp. Trying desperately to free himself and pull the hand still gripping the shard towards him.
“I can’t, Reg.” Sirius choked out, tears now falling down his own face as he held his brothers arm away from them.
This was the first time he’d held him in years.
“Sirius. S-stop. Let. L-Let me. G-Go.”
Sirius just held him tighter, his hand moving up Regulus wrist and trying to untangle his grips on the shard.
“N-no. S-top. It’s m-my. S-stop.”
Sirius got his hand around the shard, and pulled it out of his brothers grasp, tossing it toward the door.
“S-Sirius. S-stop. I-I…” Regulus trailed off, breaking down into sobs as he tried to twist out of Sirius’.
Sirius held tight, not letting go.
“Sirius? What’s going…” Remus’ voice came trailing off as he came into the room.
Sirius twisted his head and saw the look of horror as he took in the scene. Regulus crying, his bleeding wrist. It wasn’t anymore more than a superficial cut, but the sheer fact it was there…
“Just… I’ve got him for now…” Sirius said softly, meeting Remus eye.
There was no point having them both here anymore, the danger had passed.
Remus nodded and Sirius turned his attention back to his brother.
Every sob broke his heart into more and more pieces. How had that happened? How had it escalated so quickly?
“It’s alright Reg. It’s gonna be ok.” He whispered as Regulus pressed his face into Sirius’ chest and cried.
“I-I just… I-I… I w-want… I-I’m so…”
“I know bud.” Sirius croaked, “It’s ok.”
But he wasn’t entirely sure it was going to be okay. They were going to have to be even stricter than they had planned. They’d have to recomb the house. Reassess if they could leave him alone.
He wasn’t really sure if Regulus had actually going to try then but… they couldn’t take the risk. He couldn’t lose him. Not like this. Not again.
Regulus stopped pushing against him and like a switch had flicked, was leaning all his weight into Sirius as he sobbed uncontrollably.
Sirius couldn’t take it and holding Regulus tightly, collapsed onto the ground.
“H-help m-me… p-please… I-I don’t…”
Sirius swallowed.
Merlin…
“I-I will… R-Reg it’s gonna be alright… I’ve got you… You’re safe now”
Regulus pressed himself into Sirius, curling up small, clinging to Sirius shirt.
“I-I’m s-sorry… I-I’m j-just… I’m s-so t-tired…”
Sirius just held him. He kept telling him it was going to be ok. Honestly, Sirius was half just trying to convince himself it was going to be ok. He was on the verge of panic himself. His own heart was racing, he could feel the adrenaline coursing through him.
He was so scared right now. Terrified that if he let go, his little brother was just going to reach for another shard.
Sirius closed his eyes, trying to breath as he held onto the trembling body in his arms, waiting for them both to calm them both down.