Chapter 11
Sirius
They were minutes away for being called and Regulus’ trembling was only getting worse. His eyes were wide and his knuckles were white from gripping the box in his hand so tightly. Sirius didn’t know what to do.
“Reg, it’s alright,” he whispered, trying to sound reassuring. But his brother just tightened up even more, shrinking further into his robes as he struggled to keep his breaths even.
Sirius felt sick. Why were they making his brother do this? Didn’t they care how scared he was?
It was cousin Bella’s wedding, taking place outside on the Lestrange manor grounds and they’d be chosen as ring bearers. Sirius didn’t mind the job but Regulus was another story. His little brother hated crowds and especially hated having too much attention on him. Walking down the aisle as dozens of people watched was probably his worst nightmare. And their parents were forcing him to live it knowing exactly how he felt.
“Sirius. Regulus. Stand behind Rabastan and Narcissa, you’re after them,” called his mother, voice cold and stern, pointing to a space just by the exit of the stuffy tent the bridal party was packed into.
Sirius swallowed as he watched the final remnants of colour draining out of his brother’s face.
“Reg, we have to go,” he tried, but his brother wouldn’t move. Sirius looked around, hoping someone would see what was going on and say they didn’t have to do this but no one seemed to be paying any attention. What was wrong with them all? Why didn’t they care?
Sirius reached out and grabbed his brother’s hand, gently leading him into position as Regulus’ eyes began to water.
This was the third time they were going to do this and Sirius knew this was going to go down exactly the same as the rehearsals. He wanted to put a stop to all this. He was tired of watching Regulus get forced down that stupid aisle.
The first practice had been awful. Regulus made it three steps before freezing up and refusing to move another inch. Sirius did his best to try help. Holding his hand, whispering encouragements, but nothing worked. He wouldn’t take another step. Walburga hadn’t been impressed. She ordered Sirius to take both rings and play his part while she gripped Regulus by the upper arm and dragged him away.
Regulus had been limping when they came back.
The dress rehearsal had been just as bad. Regulus had been shaking the whole morning, tripping over his own feet and dropping everything he was asked to hold. He’d been terrified of messing up. Terrified of getting in trouble again. When the time came, Regulus did exactly as he’d done all morning. He stumbled, tripped and dropped the rings the whole way down the aisle. He didn’t cry out loud, but everyone could see the tears running down his cheeks.
His brother changed into darker coloured robes for the rest of that day.
Sirius had pleaded with their mother to let Regulus out of the job, but she wouldn’t budge. Punished him for daring to question her judgement.
“Regulus will behave or suffer the consequences”
Sirius glanced down at his brother who seemed to be getting worse by the second. Couldn’t his mother see this wasn’t about just behaving? Couldn’t she see what this was doing to him? Regulus knew exactly what was going to happen if he didn’t get this perfect and it was only making things worse.
Sirius reached out and wrapped his arms around his little brother, pulling him into a hug. He didn’t know what else to do. Regulus leaned into the embrace and Sirius stomach churned as Regulus shook in his arms.
The music was playing.
No, no, not yet. He needs more time.
But there was no more time. This was it. He looked down at his brother who’s eyes were glued to the aisle outside, lined by rows and rows and rows of standing people.
I have to stop this. I can’t let him get hurt again.
Regulus pulled away, closing his eyes and trying his best to stand up straight.
Narcissa was walking now.
Rabastan was walking too.
Merlin, they were next.
Sirius looked at Regulus. His brother looked like he was about to faint. His eyes were darting around the room like lightning, at the rows upon rows of people staring at the aisle. Where they were about to walk.
“Go.” Came his mothers voice in the distance.
Sirius started to walk but Regulus wasn’t moving.
No Reg, please you have to
Sirius reached out and grabbed his brothers arm. Pulling his brother close to him, trying to lead him forward. For a moment it worked. For a moment they were ok, shuffling along to the beat of the music.
They left the tent, the hot sun beating down onto them.
They passed the first row. Then they passed second. Sirius started to relax. His brother was doing it. They were going to make it. It was all going to be-
Sirius stopped.
No, he thought as he shot at glance beside him.
No no no no
Regulus had stopped. Regulus wasn’t moving. He didn’t even look like he was breathing.
Sirius looked around. All the faces peering down at them. The people already starting to whisper.
“Why did they stop” “This is embarrassing” “Careless parenting” “No manners” “Not enough discipline”
He tugged on Regulus’ arm. They had to start walking before they made a scene, but his brother wouldn’t budge. He tried to think of a way to get Regulus to move, but nothing was coming to mind. He didn’t know how to help him, but he couldn’t stand by and do nothing.
He looked down at this brother, at the panic all over his face, and finally a solution came to him.
If I can’t stop the scene, I’ll make it worse.
Sirius moved without another thought.
He wrenched himself from his brother’s side and snatched the ring box out of his hands. He ignored the gasps from the rows of guests and with as much force as he could muster, tossed the rings into one crowd, and bolted down a row of the other.
He could hear people shouting and cursing his name, but he didn’t let that stop him. The seats were set apart just wide enough that he could squeeze between the standing guests. He weaved and twisted, pushed and shoved, moving as fast as he could toward the end of the row where freedom awaited.
He knew he was trouble, but he didn’t care. All he cared about right now was taking the attention off Regulus and saving him from whatever twisted punishment his parents were going to inflict. Even if it meant taking it himself.
---
Sirius was starting to lose it.
He and Remus had been searching the house for hours now and they still had yet to find Regulus. They’d checked every room in the house a dozen times each and there was simply no trace of him.
Sirius was casting homenum revelio ever few minutes now, just checking to make sure his brother was definitely still in the house. Each time it said the same thing. Three people. Himself, Remus and Regulus. But it was barely doing anything to keep him calm anymore.
The spell said he was here, but he’d searched everywhere he could possibly be and he was no here.
What if the spell was faulty? What if he was casting it wrong?
“Remus what if-”
“It’s fine, Sirius. The spell says he’s here, so he’s here. We just have to keep looking.”
“But what-”
“He’s here somewhere. Let’s go back to the hall and start again.”
Sirius nodded, but he was having a hard time believing what Remus was saying anymore.
Remus was usually calm. Able to keep his head straight in any situation, but it was clear this was worrying him too. He was kept getting snappier with every pass over, and the lines of his face were only digging themselves deeper. Even in a magic house, there were only so many places you could hide.
They’d checked every bedroom, every guest room, every bathroom, the whole library, the kitchen, the basement, the study, the living room and even the roof. They’d checked all of these places at least a dozen times each and still Regulus was nowhere to be found.
As Sirius and Remus walked down the hallway again, Sirius kept his eyes peeled for anything. Regulus had run straight down here. He should have run into Remus, but he didn’t. Where did he go?
The walls were covered in portraits and Sirius had asked them so many times for help. Did you see where Regulus went? Did you see how he escaped? Did you see anything at all? None of them would answer.
“This is it,” Remus said as they came to the same place they’d met hours before, “Are you sure there’s nothing here? Nowhere he could have gone”
Sirius swallowed. Eyes darting up the walls, across the floorboards, around the ceiling. Nothing was out of place. Everything was exactly as Sirius remembered. Just a boring, dark hallway, with a couple of portraits. There was nothing special about this spot at all.
“I can’t think of anything”
“Come on, Pads. There has to be something?”
“Remus I don’t remember anything here-”
“Maybe try-”
“I am trying!” Sirius shouted, his voice on the verge of breaking. “I am trying so fucking hard right now to remember alright? I just… I just don’t have anything. I can’t remember anything else.”
Merlin he was just so done with this. He had spent the last five fucking hours desperately combing through his memories trying to remember something that could help them. He just didn’t have anything. He had done everything he could to block this place out and now trying to pick through what was left was like trying to spot constellations in the middle of the day.
Sirius turned away from Remus and looked at the portrait on the wall.
“Where is he!? Where did he go!?” He shouted at it, begging and praying for an answer. But she didn’t say a word, just looked him up and down with a nasty sneer and went back to stirring her stupid fucking potion.
He’d had it.
Without thinking Sirius balled up his fist, pulled back his arm and swung.
SMACK
Then he did it again.
SMACK
And again.
SMACK
SMACK
SMACK
Sirius swung at the painting over and over again. Hitting the stupid portrait right in the fucking centre, right over the stupid potioneers face.
He couldn’t do it any damage, the stupid thing had far too many protective spells on it. But that wasn’t going to stop him from trying.
SMACK
SMACK
SMACK
He landed blow after blow, scratching the skin off his knuckles with every hit.
“Sirius.”
SMACK
“Sirius stop.”
SMACK
“Sirius don’t.”
SMA-
His fist didn’t make contact, someone was holding his arm back from taking another swing.
“You’re just hurting yourself”
Sirius pulled his arm out of Remus grasp.
“I don’t care.” He said balling up his fist for another swing, but Remus grabbed his arm again.
“I do.” Remus growled back, grabbing Sirius’ other arm, twisting him to look into his face.
A beat of silence passed.
“You aren’t going to be able to find Regulus by doing this.”
Guilt slapped Sirius back to reality and he pulled his arms back to himself, turning his hands over in front of him.
He knew that. He knew this wasn’t going to help. But he was stuck for ideas and he had to do something. He wasn’t the sort of person who could just sit back.
Sirius looked at his bloodied knuckles and-
Wait
He looked up at the painting on the wall.
Wait a second
The portrait. The cauldron. That was…
“Remus,” he exclaimed, waving at the wall, “I know where he is.”
Before Remus could answer, Sirius was already pressing his finger against the scalpel and wiping it onto the stirring stick the women was holding out.
“Sirius what-”
But his question was answered a moment later, as the bloodied end of the stick was dropped into the potion and…
SWISH
The portrait vanished, revealing an archway that led into a dark room.
“A passage?”
“A room. He must have gone in right before we showed up.”
Remus looked at the open space warily, “Can I go in?”
Sirius nodded, “Just needs our blood to open it, then anyone can enter.”
Sirius could feel all the tension leaving his body. Regulus was in there. He was safe and everything was going to be alright. No one else would have been able to enter and it was unlikely the house magic had turned anything hostile in such a sealed up room. Everything was going to be ok.
He stepped into the space, Remus right behind him and immediately his eyes were drawn to the figure lying on the bed. For a second, a surge of fear passed through him, but then he saw the rising and falling of his brothers’ shoulders and all the worry melted away.
Sirius could breath.
He could finally breath.
For the first time in five hours, the shouting inside Sirius’ head stopped and the world stopped spinning. His pulse was slowing, and cool relief was washing over every part of his body.
There was no more tension. No more chaos. Just plain and pure relief.
Everything was still. Everything was clear.
It was like he’d woken up from a dream, all the fuzzy edges and hazy corners were completely gone. The weight that he hadn’t even realised was there had lifted off his shoulders and he finally had the strength to stand without fear of collapse.
“Thank merlin,” he breathed out.
Because Merlin was the only one he could thank. It had been by complete chance that he had been able to remember this room had existed. If that moment had have happened anywhere else in the house he wouldn’t have made the connected.
But it did happen here. And fuck. Thank merlin it had.
Sirius stepped forward. Moving toward his sleeping brother as quietly as he could.
He looked so peaceful, so relaxed. Not like the last few days. Not even like that morning in his room. This looked like real calm. Real, restful sleep. His features was soft, free of the worry it usually held. Even his clothes looked more at ease. Draped over his body with no direction and no intention. Perfectly at ease.
Sirius couldn’t help but smile.
He’s safe.
Sirius walked toward him, trying his best to make his footsteps as quiet as possible.
A big part of Sirius wanted to embrace him. Hug him like he used to do when they were kids. But he held off on that urge. He didn’t want to wake him and knew that as much as he wanted to wrap his arms around his little brother, Regulus wouldn’t be as pleased about that.
So, he settled with just being closer.
He took another step, careful so as not to make a sound. Then he made another. Then another. Another. And another. Until he was-
The blood drained from his face.
“R-Rem… Re… R-Re…”
He couldn’t finish the word. He couldn’t… He couldn’t…
The tunnel vision was back. Everything outside was gone. His hearing. His sight. It only existed… there…
“R… R…” He tried again, but he couldn’t get past the first letter. Someone had their hand around his throat. Someone had squeezing his chest.
No…
He couldn’t feel his hands. Everything was numb. This had to be a dream. This had to be a dream.
Sirius looked at his brother, at the spot where his shirt at ridden up his sleep.
At the spot… with the…
He felt sick. He wanted to throw up. That wasn’t possible… His brother wouldn’t…
Sirius tried to swallow but let out a choked gasp instead.
His little bother. His baby brother… What was… No…
He could hear Remus coming closer, asking what was wrong, but Sirius couldn’t move. He couldn’t breath. Someone was choking him. Someone was holding his throat closed. He couldn’t think or feel or do or say or…
He heard a gasp behind him. He felt something touch his shoulder. But Sirius did nothing to react. He couldn’t his eyes away from the exposed skin above Regulus’ hip.
There were cuts there. Covering every square inch of skin that Sirius could see. Cuts that… that couldn’t have been more than a few days old…
Sirius eyes were stinging, he knew there were tears starting to fall. He wasn’t a fool. He knew what they were. He knew that… that… Regulus had…
His little brother was hurting himself.
Sirius dropped to his knees, his legs no longer able to hold up his weight.
He had never… Not once had he thought…
Regulus…
Sirius didn’t even know what to do. There were no thoughts. No feelings. Nothing. It was all just empty as he stared at the cuts on his little brothers body. Cuts that Regulus must have put there himself. Cuts. Angry red lines that were as long as his fingers, inflamed and raw.
How long had this been going on for? How long had his brother been… been… doing that?
Was this new? Or… or had he been doing it back then too?
Sirius’ stomach lurched.
He was just a kid. He was just a fucking kid.
Reg… I’m so sorry…
He didn’t want to look anymore. He didn’t want to look at the lines on his brother’s body anymore. He wanted them to go away. He wanted this to be a dream. This had to be dream. Surely this couldn’t be real, could it? His brother would never do that… Why would he do that? Why was he hurting himself?
Sirius wanted to scream. He wanted to kick and fight and shout and… fuck…
He left. He fucking left his brother in that house.
All those years… All those years…
Sirius thought back to the years after that Christmas. How Regulus had grown quieter every day. Getting paler and thinner. His eyes looking more and more haunted every time Sirius had seen him in the halls. Sirius was struck with guilt. He had just assumed his brother was getting sucked into the dark arts. That that was why the life was being drained from him… but… but what if he’d been wrong? Had this been… the whole time?
He had dropped out of quidditch in his fourth year. Sirius hadn’t even bothered to ask why.
When Dorcas and Marlene got together later that year, she’d asked if Sirius knew what was going on with his brother… he’d just palmed her off…
“Probably too busy with the death eater business”
“Maybe he’s taking Bella’s advice and going mad”
“I bet he’s stressed someone will check his sleeve”
She never brought it up again
Had he been so far off? How bad had Walburga and Orion gotten since he left? How much pressure was he under to be what they wanted him to be?
What if…
The thought crossed his mind then.
He’d always assumed his brother had died on some quest for Voldemort…
Was it possible that…
Sirius blinked. No. No. No. He would have noticed… he would noticed if his brother was going down that path… but… he looked at the cuts marring his little brothers skin and grimaced. No… He wouldn’t have noticed. He’d noticed before Christmas. He had been worried and tried reaching out. But after that day he just assumed Regulus had chosen a side and was throwing himself too deep in the dark arts.
Sirius felt something wrapping around his chest. Felt someone pressing themselves into his back. He could hear someone whispering something in his ear.
On some level, he knew who it was. He knew that Remus was tying to comfort him. But Sirius just couldn’t respond. All he could do was stare at his little brother.
I failed him so much...
---
Regulus
When Regulus began stirring, his mind flickering on and the events prior to his sleep coming back, he found himself very reluctant to break the spell of sleep. He wasn’t looking forward to dealing with Sirius yet and he knew that once he opened his eyes there was no chance of drifting back to sleep, which was a rather tempting offer. It wasn’t often that he found himself wanting to rest, usually he was so plagued by nightmares and constant re-waking that when morning came, he was out of bed in seconds. But that wasn’t the case right now. Regulus couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept so well, and he was hesitant to let it go.
Unfortunately, for as much as he didn’t want to leave the safety of this room, his hunger had reached a point he couldn’t continue ignoring and with Kreature acting the way he was, he didn’t have much of a choice. So with great reluctance Regulus allowed his eyes to flutter open.
As the room came into focus, Regulus yawned and stretched his arms up above his head, letting his limbs fully extend after being curled up. For a brief moment he had considered the possibility that perhaps Remus and Sirius had found him and were sitting around waiting for him to wake up, but he dismissed that theory rather quickly. Though he could see Remus doing something like that, his brother was far to reactive for that. His suspicions were confirmed when lifted his head and glanced around to find himself completely alone.
He was a little surprised he hadn’t been found. He’d assumed his brother would have eventually figured out the portrait and come barging in while he slept, hence why he’d deemed it had been necessary to put away all the books.
I guess I overestimated him
Ignoring the ache in his side protesting his twisting and turning, Regulus swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood himself up. He wobbled for a moment as his vision darkened from the quick movement.
Definitely too long, he thought as he steadied himself and waited for the spinning to pass.
It did pass though; it always did after a few seconds and he made his way toward the closed arch.
Regulus held his breath as he pressed his hand against the wall and waited for the passage to appear. He had no way of knowing where Remus and Sirius were and there was a chance, he’d accidentally stumble into them right here. He really didn’t want that.
SWISH
Preparing himself for the worst, Regulus stepped into the hallway, tossing his head left and right checking for any sign of life. Thankfully he didn’t see anything and he relaxed.
It was dark, but not quite dark enough that indicated it was the dead of night, so he’d have to pay close attention to his surroundings and hope he didn’t run into anyone. He did not fancy crashing into Sirius for a third time. The first two times had been bad enough.
Ever so carefully, Regulus began creeping his way up the hall, keeping one ear out for footsteps or whispers as the other focused on making sure he didn’t draw attention to himself. He found it wasn’t overly difficult if he kept toward the edges of the hall where the floorboards seemed less worn down. They creaked far less and if he was slow enough putting his weight on them, the few that did make noise remained fairly quiet.
When he passed the living room with no problem and the stairs after that, Regulus began to feel nervous about how well everything seemed to be going. He had half a mind to quit while he was ahead and sneak back to his bedroom, but the moment he considered it his stomach lurched in protest and he pushed on.
When the kitchen came into view Regulus saw a dim light coming from beneath the door and was filled with dread because of course it was. He knew that didn’t automatically mean it was being used, especially where Sirius was concerned. Regulus hated when rooms were too bright, and Sirius had the nasty of habit of always leaving rooms as bright as possible when he left them. He doubted he’d grown out of the habit.
As he crept forward, Regulus strained to listen out for chatter or conversation, but even as he pressed himself right up against the door, he couldn’t make out anything. Praying there wasn’t a silencing charm on the room, he pressed down the handle and opened the door.
Thank Merlin for that
Regulus sighed with relief. The room was empty. He’d made it.
Shutting the door behind him, Regulus went for the fridge. There were a couple of containers with leftovers but he ultimately decided to just go with Weetabix again. He wasn’t confident he could reheat the meals without burning something, nor did he want the smell drawing attention to his presence in the kitchen.
He opted to just have them cold this time, not wanting to use the kettle in case he forgot to turn it off before it started whistling and grabbed some yogurt and a handful of blueberries to have with it. He broke a few Weetabix into a bowl, but ran into a problem when he went to add the yoghurt and blueberries. He couldn’t find a single spoon, or more accurately, he couldn’t open the drawer he could have sworn they were kept in.
He distinctly remembered all the spoons being in the top drawer, along with the rest of the utensils but no matter how much he pulled and pulled at the handle, the stupid thing wouldn’t budge. It had been charmed shut.
Why would they do that?
Frustrated, he tried opening the other drawers, thinking that maybe he’d misremembered, but it was to no avail. The second one was also locked, the third one just had an assortment of tea towels and the fourth was just full of junk. Old bits of parchment, a few knuts and sickles, what he assumed was some muggle money and a dozen or so muggle takeout menus, none of which were useful for his current dilemma.
I thought they wanted me to eat, he thought, his patience getting thinner by the second.
Next, he tried checking all the cupboards. He pulled open every single one hoping to find what he was looking for, but still, he couldn’t find anything useful. Bowls? Top left. Plates? Top right. Pots and pans? All beneath the bench. But spoons? No where to be found.
Was this their way of trying to force him to come look for them? Force him to ask them for help? What was their problem? Why were they acting like such-
“What are you doing?”
Regulus jumped, his head turning sharply toward the door, startled by the sudden voice.
Just perfect
Sirius was there, standing in the doorway, though Regulus was surprised by his expression. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen his brother look so started before. His face was white as a sheet and he was breathing so heavily, Regulus could have been fooled into thinking he’d been on a run if he weren’t dressed in pyjamas. His brow was furrowed deeply, and his jaw was clenched as his wide eyes darted frantically between Regulus and the locked drawers.
A second ago, he’d had half a mind to just turn away or make some kind of sarcastic jest, but the dark look on his brother’s face had chased away any urge to make a joke.
“I-I was… just… making something…” he pointed toward the bench where his half-prepared meal was sitting, not daring to take his eyes off Sirius.
Was he in trouble? Had he made too much noise? Was he not allowed to be using their supplies? He’d thought they didn’t mind but maybe he’d been mistaken. Or maybe he’d tested their patience too much with his antics.
Regulus watched with bated breath, as Sirius followed the path of his pointed hand and paused as he looked at the things all piled on the bench. He stared at the spot for a good few seconds, his eyes looking over every single item with scrutiny before…
Oh, thank Merlin
Sirius entire body relaxed, the tension melting away as he let oud a very loud sigh of relief.
Regulus had no idea what was going on but his confusion was drowned out by his own sense of relief as he realised that Sirius wasn’t about to go off at him.
They stood like that in silence for at least a full minute, Regulus still far too nervous to say anything and Sirius recovering from his initial shock.
It was clear to Regulus now that the drawer was locked for the purpose of keeping him out, though he was none the wiser on why that would be. It didn’t seem like his first guess that they wanted to keep him from preparing food was their intention, otherwise Sirius wouldn’t have been so relieved to see what he’d been doing.
Had they put something in there they didn’t want him finding? It was possible, but why in those drawers specifically? There were plenty of other places, many of the cupboards in the kitchen were completely empty. Why not hide something in those?
“Sorry I thought…” Sirius looked back at Regulus, the tension returning for a brief moment as he looked him up and down, before he forced on a smile and pulled out his wand. “I’ll finish it for you”
With a wave of his wand the upper draw opened and a spoon came flying out into Sirius hand. Regulus tried to take a peak in the drawer to see what on earth could be in there they didn’t want him having, but before he could get a good look it slammed itself shut.
Regulus decided then it was best to not question what was going on and took a seat at the table, watching as his brother finished what he’d been trying to do.
When the bowl was placed him front of him, he had to supress a gasp when he saw the amount Sirius had served him, it being quite a bit more than he had intended to give himself. But he managed to keep it contained, muttering a soft “thanks” before picking up the spoon.
Other than that, neither of them said a word the entire time.
Sirius took the seat opposite him, tapping his foot against the floor, watching carefully as he ate. Occasionally he would glance back toward the drawer and both of them would lock eyes for a moment before Sirius would take a deep breath and turn his attention to the floor.
It was beyond uncomfortable, and Regulus did his best to try finish as quickly as possible.
When he finally did, the brothers still didn’t speak. Regulus stood up, carried his bowl to the sink and started to make his way upstairs. Sirius was right behind him, following so closely that Regulus could almost feel the heat radiating off him. They made it all the way to his bedroom before Sirius finally stopped, pausing just outside the door as Regulus entered.
Regulus turned back to face him, just for a moment, looking up at his grim expression. Nothing was making sense.
He gave Sirius a nod and reached for his handle, pulling it-
Regulus paused. It wouldn’t move.
He tried to pull it harder, but still it wouldn’t budge.
What the fuck?
He looked back up at Sirius.
“Why won’t-” he started, but Sirius cut him off, his voice rough and stern.
“Door stays open from now on.”
Regulus just stood there, staring up at his brother, a million thoughts going through his head. Why did it have to stay open? Who gave them the right to make that choice? How long would this go on for?
He wanted to say something, he wanted to protest but he just… couldn’t. His mouth just hung open, as he stood there gripping the door, looking up at the grim expression on his brother’s face.
Sirius looked past him for a moment, giving the room behind him a once over before his gaze landed back on Regulus.
“Try get some sleep.” He said, nodding toward the bed.
And with that he turned around and walked toward his own room leaving Regulus standing there trying to figure out what the fuck exactly was going on.