Chapter 8
Sirius
As Remus reached up toward the cupboard, all he could think about was how much he’d screwed up. Again.
Please don’t look. Don’t make it real.
Every time this happened, Sirius swore it wouldn’t again, that this would be the last time. He’d never managed more than a week. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t trying. He really was. He fought so hard for so long every time, but it was a reflex and eventually something would happen that made him turn back to the bottle.
Being stuck here didn’t help. Unable to leave, completely alone during the full moons when he was at his worst. It started during the first war, about a month after finding out his brother had been marked. At first it was a glass to help him sleep, then another when his tolerance grew. Another after discovering it helped ease the nightmares, adding another when they started coming back. Then his brother died, and that had been the tipping point for Sirius.
A few before bed became a few with lunch. A few with lunch became a few to wake up.
Remus had been worried. He had reason to be. Sirius was almost never without a glass in his hand as the war dragged on and more people were killed. As his family name made headlines for their ties with Voldemort, Sirius was called for questioning at least once a week. Show us your arm. When did you last speak with you cousin? Where were you Thursday night? Do you have proof?
He relied on sobering potions to get himself through missions but drank himself into a stupor on return every night.
Remus tried interjecting. Are you sure you need another? How about we have some tea? Let’s have an early night. Stay in bed with me. I’m worried about you. I’ll stay out here with you. I’ll come out there with you.
It might have worked if they weren’t living through a war, but they were so it didn’t.
He wasn’t ignorant to the effect his drinking was having on Remus. He saw the sadness in his eyes every time he caught side of a new bottle emptied. The way his face dropped when he saw the glass in Sirus’ hand. The wince when he smelt the liquor on Sirius’ breath.
So he stopped. Not drinking but letting Remus see it happen. He charmed the bottles to look like shampoo. He drank potions to cover up the smell. He charmed his mugs to smell like coffee. For a time it seemed to work, but his new found freedom caught up.
Without someone trying to help curb his habit, on top of the guilt from lying, the amount he was drinking went up. Enough that the sobering potions stopped working. Enough that people noticed a change.
James noticed. Lily noticed. Peter noticed. Remus noticed. Everyone noticed.
He was angry. He was vengeful. He was reckless. He was cold.
It only made people more suspicious of his allegiances as he seemed to embody more and more of the Black family ways. He blundered missions. He missed meetings. His friends tried to step in, Remus tried to help. But he waved them away.
When Lily and James announced they were expecting, Sirius was given a choice. He sought help or they he wouldn’t be allowed in their child’s life. That had been the wake up call he needed and at the time Harry Potter was born, Sirius Black was 6 months sober.
He relapsed on the 31st of October 1994. The night Harry Potters name came out of the goblet of fire.
He’d moved into Hopes Cottage with Remus the previous summer. They’d worked hard to rebuild their relationship from the broken pieces it’d been left in and eventually fell back into the love they’d spent so long without.
Sirius swore he wouldn’t raise another glass to his lips after that night, but inevitably he did. The more letters he received from Harry asking for help. As he watched Remus struggled to hold down work. He felt helpless as he watched the people he loved struggle to stay alive. So he’d steal bottles from muggle liquor stores as Padfoot, and hide out in the bathroom as he drank.
Remus noticed of course, and this time knew better than to let him go down that path. He relented and accepted Sirius’ key to the Black vaults, so he could stay at home with him to work through what was going on. It worked for a while and Sirius got better but life was never that easy.
Mere days into the new year Remus received a patronus from Dumbledore warning them to flee as the ministry had received a tip off that he was harbouring Sirius Black. With so little time to prepare they found themselves retreating to Grimmauld place under the Fidelius charm with Albus as their secret keeper.
He also used that time to request Sirius’ cooperation in allowing The Order of Phoenix to use the space as their new headquarters. He claimed that after the World Cup attack, Dark Marks becoming active and Harry’s entrance into the tournament, he feared that Voldemort was making his return. They agreed and accepted his request.
It was difficult for Sirius in that house. Every day was a reminder of his past and everyday was harder than the last. Remus helped him through it and for a while Sirius thought that he would be alright, that he would finally be able to put the bottle down for good. His optimism didn’t last. Before long Dumbledore requested Remus try re-infiltrating the packs.
“It’s imperative you start before his rise, or they’ll be suspicious of your intentions”
So Sirius went backwards again.
Sitting in that kitchen, watching as Remus reached for cupboard to confirm what he already knew, Sirius was falling apart. He hated what he was doing to himself, but he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t find a reason. He hated that Remus wasn’t reason enough. They’d talked about it, he’d made promises, they’d gotten the draughts from Severus, and he still found an excuse.
He wanted to shout; he could feel it bubbling up inside him. The alcohol firing him up. He really hadn’t had much, only a glass, but he’d hidden it and lied. That was why Remus was upset.
Sirius probably would have yelled if Regulus hadn’t moved.
CREAK
The noise wasn’t loud, but it was enough the draw his attention to the doorway. Enough to extinguish the angry fire flaring up inside him. Enough to bring him out of his head.
He turned in time to see Regulus shifting his weight back. To see the nervous expression on his face as his attention flicked between the men in front of him. Noticing how he held on arm across his body like a shield, tightly gripping the other as he took yet another step back now the attention was on him.
Time stood still as memories of arguing with his parents came back to him. Regulus shrinking away, trying to retreat but their parents pulling him back to help teach Sirius a lesson. Even at Hogwarts the only person Regulus ever stepped up too was Sirius, preferring to stand back when caught in the crossfire of other students. Although he never turned down a challenge, he was a Black, so most people never dared set one in the first place.
“Regulus…” he started, but it was too late. He brother had already fled.
Sirius sobbed.
He wasn’t sure at what point Remus started holding him, but merlin was he glad he did. He held on so tightly Sirius was sure they would merge into one.
“I’m s-sorry, I-I’m so s-sorry”
“It’s alright. I’ve got you”
“Do y-you think h-he… he-he looked s-so…”
Remus somehow found a way to squeeze tighter and pulled Sirius in even further.
“Regulus is a strong kid”
“But h-he shouldn’t… h-he shouldn’t… ha-have to be Moons… he’s j-just a k-kid…”
“You were both just kids, Pads.”
“B-but not… n-not anymore… I h-have to… I-I’m the a-adult now…”
He looked up into Remus eyes. His beautiful warm brown eyes filled with more kindness and patience than he would ever deserve.
“W-what if… I’m… I- I really am… j-just… j-just like them…?”
Even though his vision was clouded, he could see the crinkle at the corners of his eyes. The way they seemed to sparkle as his lips curved upwards.
“Sirius you are one of the most loyal and brave people I have ever known. You have shown me a love that I never dreamed I would ever be lucky enough to have. You taught me to love myself for who I am, not in spite of it because you are good, Sirius. You are human and you make mistakes. That doesn’t make you one of them. I promise.”
Sirius only sobbed harder as Remus placed his lips on his forehead.
At some point, without letting go, they found their way to the living room. Sirius nestled into Remus and Remus nestled back. Sirius didn’t play any music and Remus didn’t pick up his book. They just sat. Remus listened to his every ramble and responded with reassurance and Sirius sobbed until he had no tears left to cry. Sirius had almost no memories of every feeling safe in this house before, but here? Right now? He had never felt safer, and he knew what he had to do. Who he had to be.
“Moony?”
“Hmm?”
“I have to stop, don’t I? Like last time? For Harry and… and Regulus?”
It wasn’t a question. Sirius knew the answer. He’d known from the moment he took that first sip near 8 months ago that he would have to stop again. He wasn’t the sort of person who could do things in halves, just having a little here and there. For Sirius alcohol was a slippery slope and it wasn’t one that he wanted to slide down anymore. He had people in his life that needed him more than ever before. Kids that needed someone safe and predictable. He had already failed at keeping Regulus safe once. This was his second chance, and he couldn’t let it go.
He wasn’t naïve, he knew how hard it had been the last time and he was under no delusions that this would be any easier. But he had done it before and was going to do it again.
Curled up together on the lounge, bodies intertwined as one Remus replied, “Yes, Pads. You do.”
---
Sirius stared down at the untouched plate on the floor, as he placed a second beside it.
“Hey Reg?” He said, very lightly knocking on the door, “I’ve brought you something for dinner if you want it.”
There was no answer. No movement. No sound at all.
“I’ve put a stasis charm on it so if you do want something, I promise it’ll stay good alright?”
Still no noise came from behind the door.
“Reg I promise that I’m not gonna force you talk about anything you aren’t ready but just say something? Please? Just so we know you’re ok?”
It was a bluff. They’d been casting homenum revelio all day to make sure he didn’t disappear.
“Reg? Just one thing?”
It didn’t work and Sirius left the door again.
---
Sirius looked up from that mornings copy of the daily prophet as Remus walked into the living with a grim expression.
“Still won’t talk?”
Remus nodded, “Still hasn’t touched anything either.”
Sirius sighed, glancing over the headlines. Bartemius Crouch was mysteriously absent. Bertha Jerkins was missing (apparently, he was behind that). He grimaced when he read about another werewolf regulation being pushed by Dolores Umbridge.
He put the paper down.
“How long do you think we can let him stay in there? I don’t want to force him out but…” he sighed, “we can’t let him rot away in there…”
Remus collapsed into his usual armchair and ran a hand through his hair.
“No we can’t… I take it this isn’t new territory for him?”
Sirius thought back to all the times Regulus had been locked in there growing up. He couldn’t imagine how someone could want to submit themself to that torture.
“I don’t remember it ever being by choice, but… no it’s not a new thing”
Silence. Even the street was unusually quiet.
Sirius exhaled.
“If he doesn’t at least eat something by tomorrow… I say we go in…”
Remus nodded, “I agree”
More silence.
Sirius picked the prophet back up, “You got a quill? The crossword looks good today.”
“You hate the crossword,” Remus snorted.
Sirius winked, “Not when I’ve got you helping me”
---
When the two men retired that evening, Sirius glanced across at Regulus’ door hoping to see something had moved.
“Still untouched…” he murmured, pressing his back against the door as he shut behind him.
Remus looked down at him and tucked a piece of hair behind his ear.
“In the morning?” he asked.
Sirius nodded, “In the morning.”
---
“Regulus?”
No answer. No movement. No noise.
Sirius sighed as he looked down at the now 6 untouched plates. They all had the stasis charm on them so he hadn’t really needed to make so many dishes, but he’d thought perhaps if he made the right thing, Regulus would come out.
It hadn’t worked.
“Reg?” he said again. He really didn’t want to go in without approval. It felt dirty and wrong, like he was breaking something that hadn’t even been built yet. But they couldn’t wait forever. He was the adult now, and this was something adults had to do.
“Hey Reg? I know you don’t want to come out but… I have to make sure you’re okay… so….” He took a deep breath, preparing himself. “I’m gonna have to open this door and check on you alright?”
He sighed when his brother still didn’t speak.
“Reg I’m… I’m gonna give you a minute and then… I’m sorry but I have to come in and check on you alright?”
He waited
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
But still nothing.
He really, really didn’t want to do this. He hated the fact Regulus very clearly didn’t want to see him right now, understandably so, but he had no choice. As strange as it was to think about, especially having already seen him grow up…Regulus, this Regulus was still just a kid. Barley a teenager at this point. He knew if the roles were reversed, he would be furious someone was trying to come in his room without permission. Especially his brother. But he had to make sure Regulus was ok. It was his job.
Sirius took one more deep breath…
“Hey Regulus? I’m gonna come in now, alright? I’m really sorry but I have to check on you.” He waited, hoping that finally he would get an invitation. He didn’t.
He pressed down the handle and entered the room.
It was dark.
The curtains were closed, only the smallest amount of light able to peek out from the edges.
It took Sirius a moment to adjust.
Everything was clean. The wardrobe was closed, the desk was tidy with the chair pulled in and the bedside tables were clear with the drawers shut.
The bed was perfectly made too, aside the small lump beneath the covers at its centre.
Sirius heart skipped a beat, unable to keep himself from thinking the worst.
He’s fine, he told himself, he is probably still sleeping
“Reg?” he said, trying to keep the shake out of his voice.
There was no response. No acknowledgement that anything had been said.
Sirius stepped into the room, the floorboards creaking under his weight after so many years of disuse.
Come on Reg
“Hey Reg?” He tried again softly, “You alright?”
Still nothing.
He stepped closer.
He stepped closer again.
Regulus still made no effort to react.
Please don’t make me do this bud
“It’s just me, Reg. Its Sirius, ok?”
Please say something, please say something
He didn’t.
Sirius shut his eyes and let out a quiet breath.
He took another step.
Another.
Another.
He was at the edge of Regulus’ bed.
Regulus was turned on his side, facing toward Sirius. His hair fell softly around his face, framing it gently. His eyes were open.
Sirius crouched down.
“Reg?”
There wasn’t even a flicker of recognition behind his eyes.
Sirius took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm.
Oh Reg…
Sirius blinked, trying to hold back the tears starting to wet his eyes.
“It’s just me, Reg. You okay?” he croaked, unable to keep it from cracking any longer.
Regulus still didn’t react.
Sirius choked in another breath.
He just wanted to him to say something. Do something. Anything. He would give anything right now for Regulus to do something than just stare blankly into space. Was his brother really this bad? Had his brother already been so close to the edge that this was all he needed to push him over?
Sirius pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears.
He wanted Regulus to shout at him, to yell for him to leave. He wanted Regulus to sit up and point at the door. He would take his brother just rolling over to face the other wall at this point.
He just wanted something to indicate he was okay.
“Regulus?” he sniffled.
Nothing.
“Come on Reg, you gotta give me something before I can leave, yeah?”
Still nothing.
His eyes were completely blank, staring through Sirius like he wasn’t even there. His face was like stone. His body was so still that if the spell didn’t confirm he was alive, Sirius would have thought his brother was dead. Again.
“Hey buddy, you don’t have to say anything. Just move your head a little and I’ll go, ok?”
Regulus still made no attempt to respond.
Sirius looked at the floor, unable to keep looking at his brother.
He let out a small sob as he tried to keep his breath even. Tried to keep himself strong.
Regulus went silent a few times growing up. He wouldn’t to speak for days. Sirius sometimes wondered if he couldn’t.
Their parents never really noticed when it happened. They would prefer if children were quiet all the time.
Regulus had only gotten into trouble for it once, when he came back from first year and received his first punishment in months. It had mostly been yelling, a few lacero’s, nothing he hadn’t received before. But the shock of it all, after going so long without anything must have been too much.
When he was asked a few days later whether he intended on trying out for quidditch his second year, Regulus wouldn’t answer, and they had not taken it well.
Sirius put his hands together, twisting them around each other as he looked back up, hoping to see a change in his brother.
There wasn’t one.
Reg, please…
“Please… Regulus… Please…”
---
Regulus
He'd been this way from the moment he slammed his door shut. From the moment he pressed his back against the oak. From the moment he slide to the floor.
Regulus hadn't cried or shook or broken down. He just turned off. Everything turned off.
His eyes, his ears, his thoughts. Everything was just... gone.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he'd been able to hear the knocks on his door. The voices asking if he was ok, asking if he would respond. Regulus found the voices annoying. Didn't they know he wanted to be alone?
Time passed with his eyes shut. Time passed with his eyes open.
Regulus had always liked silence. He enjoyed the peace of nothingness. It gave him time to think away from the world that wanted so much from him. Existing in between the lines. It was safer behind the scenes. No one cared about side characters.
He was surprised to learn however, that he did not like this.
It was like nothing was real. It was scary. He hadn't felt like this before.
Sometimes he'd blink and his body shifted had shifted.
He'd blink again and it'd moved again.
Regulus didn't like that. Moving made the ache go away. He liked the ache. It kept him tied down, kept him from floating away.
Maybe that was why a pen ended up in his hands. Trying to find a new anchor. It didn't work but no matter. It was gone when he blinked again. Forgotten, after one more.
---
Door, blink.
Desk, blink.
Mirror, blink.
Sleep.
---
Bed, blink.
Ceiling, blink.
Wall, blink.
Sleep.
---
His door was open. Someone was in his room. They were talking to him and calling his name. They sounded sad. He knew how they felt. He wanted to know who it was.
It was the first time in days that Regulus’ body let him make requests.
Who?
It was Sirius and he was right, he seemed sad.
He was crouched down to the floor, twisting his hands in a pattern that Regulus knew. His eyes were glossy, and his cheeks were puffy. He hadn’t seen his brother like this in years. It didn’t feel right to see him so vulnerable, it didn’t fit the image he strove so hard to put out.
“Please… Regulus… Please…”
Sirius… wanted him?
He looked at the tightness through his brothers’ shoulders. The hands pushed so tightly together they shook. The worry in his eyes. The streams down his cheeks.
“Sirius?” he whispered, voice strained and small.
His brother stilled. Then he relaxed.
Relief settled over his features as his shoulders dipped and a loud exhale filled the room.
“Yeh Reg, it’s me. I’m here alright.”
That did it. Those words and the kindness in his brothers voice, it broke the glass between him and the world.
Suddenly Regulus was aware of everything all at once. The beating of his chest. The robes all twisted around his body. He could hear the street outside and the sound of his own breaths. He could feel the weight of his blankets pressing down against his body and the feel of his hair against his face.
“Sirius…” he breathed, “I… I’m so tired…”
“I know bud.”
---
Sirius
It took most of the morning for Sirius to coax Regulus out of his room.
He was resistant of course, but Sirius was patient. It wasn't easy. Sirius wasn't a naturally patient person and typically let everyone know when he was getting frustrated. He had to put everything he had into keeping himself calm and not raising his voice.
But he did it. He did it for his brother.
First, he got him to sit up. Then, convinced him to stand. He'd suggested Regulus change but he'd completely balked at that idea and Sirius decided a refreshening charm would suffice for now.
Sirius was a touchy person and struggled to restrain himself from embracing his brother. He desperately wanted to reach out and hold him. Reassure him that it was gonna be ok, just like Effie used to do for him. The way Walburga never did.
He offered his hand at every turn. To help him stand, to guide him down the hall and down the stairs. Regulus never took it, but he conceded. He wasn't going to touch him without permission, especially not right now.
Sirius decided against leading him back to the kitchen and they ended up in the living room, where he curled up on the same transfigured chair as the other day.
Remus joined them a while later. He'd offered to help but Sirius had insisted on doing it alone and Remus opted to keep to their room while it went down. He brought a few sandwiches to share, which Sirius had been immensely grateful for.
Regulus picked at his and took far longer to eat than either of the two men, but he got through most of it and Sirius was happy.
"You know I was thinking, we should probably get you some new clothes, so you don't have to keep struggling with the transfigured robes."
Immediately Regulus perked up, catching Sirius by surprise. He hadn't expected that would be the thing that got Regulus' attention, but it was.
"You think?" he asked, looking up from a book Remus had brought him down from the library. He'd gotten a bit of colour back in his face after eating and his energy had improved a little. He didn't look good by any means, but his interest gave Sirius hope.
"Definitely. I can't go out-" He stopped himself as he caught Remus's eye from across the room.
Shit
They still hadn't discussed anything to do with the state of the wizarding world right now, or what had taken place during the war. He winced as he thought about Regulus' old friends.
The exchange didn't go unnoticed by Regulus, who's expression had dropped.
"I mean... it might be easier to just get your measurements and order them in."
Regulus nodded but didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry I know you said-"
"It's fine..."
It clearly wasn't fine, but it wasn't a subject that need broaching just yet. Remus had said that Regulus mentioned his friends when they'd spoken.
It wasn't as if Regulus was entirely clueless. The war had been well underway by 1975 and he'd been far closer to the centre of it than any 13 year old should ought to have been. He also knew his own fate as a death eater and knew that the Rosier’s had had similar plans for Evan and Pandora. It was likely he'd also noticed the way Sirius and Remus had been speaking about their own friends from Hogwarts.
Sirius didn't blame him for wanting to avoid that conversation. No one was looking forward to it.
As afternoon became evening, Remus and Sirius kept the conversation light, sticking to neutral topics that would allude to anything about the war. It wasn’t an easy feat, but they managed. The chatted about the plan for cleaning the house, the quidditch league tables, music Sirius was obsessing over. They tried to engage Regulus in these conversations, even trying to ask what sort of clothes he might want but they never received more than a one word answers.
“Do you want to give some muggle clothes a try?”
“Sure…”
“Think the Magpies can take the Harpies?”
“Maybe…”
“Do you remember David Bowie?”
“No…"
Sirius had to take a break after that question and left to fix them some leftovers for dinner, returning shortly with three bowls of lamb stew and humming the tune of Starman. Just like earlier, Regulus took much longer to eat, but picked away at the dish until he was done.
As the evening passed and Sirius watched as his brothers yawns became more frequent and his eyes spent more time closed than open, he announced that it was probably time for everyone to head to bed. Remus agreed instantly, and Regulus nodded politely, following them upstairs without a fuss.
Sirius wasn’t overly keen on the idea of letting Regulus back into his room, but swallowed his worry knowing there wasn’t really much choice. He stood at the top of the stairwell, gripping Remus’ hand tightly as he watched Regulus walk down the hall and shut his bedroom door.
He really, really didn’t like this.
“Do you think he was always this bad? That I just… didn’t notice before?”
“I think that what matters is that you can help him now,” Remus replied, squeezing his hand.
Sirius really hoped that was true.