Chapter 9
Regulus
That night in that house. That evening in that room. Regulus was always trapped there and unlike Sirius, he would never get out.
He could pretend his brothers cries for help didn’t keep him awake at night. He could say the echoes of his pleas for mercy didn’t haunt his every thought. But they did, and they always would. Because you can grow around pain, become stronger and fight back. But guilt? Guilt never leaves, it grows with you and never lets you go.
Regulus was well acquainted with guilt. It clung to everything, always there to line happiness with silver. Ever since that night, every good memory Regulus shared with his brother was overlayed with his screams.
It had started off well. The Rosiers had been invited to attend the celebrations that year and Regulus, Pandora and Evan had been excused to mingle amongst themselves away from the adults. He’d started a game of chess with Pandora. She’d lost three pawns and a castle. He’d lost his queen and a knight.
His mother had called him. Said he was urgently needed in the study. He hadn’t thought much of it. Let Evan take his place against Pandora and headed upstairs.
“Imperio”
She didn’t even try asking first. He hadn’t even registered who was in the room before his mothers will took over his own. Cleansing his body of everything Regulus and leaving the perfect shell of a Black.
“Bring Sirius here immediately”
So he did. Exactly as he was told. No time for resistance. No chance for protest. He led Sirius to that room like a pig for slaughter.
“Stand aside and watch with us”
So he did. Watched in silence as his brother writhed in agony, pleading for relief.
“Smile with us”
So he did. Smiled as his brother was ripped apart at the seams, tears streaming down his face.
“Laugh with us”
So he did. Laughed as his brother was pushed to the brink of insanity, all because he dared to say no.
And that whole time, he didn’t feel a thing. Not an ounce for sympathy for the brother he’d always thought would be his best friend. That’s the power of the that curse. It hadn’t even occurred to him that he should fight it.
You would think after so many years of being under its spell, Regulus would have learnt to resist. But all it had done was wear him down. All he’d learn to do was push himself further out of his body until it was over.
“Go to your room”
So he did. Walked to his room and sat at his desk, straight past his brothers almost lifeless body.
Then the spell lifted and everything hit him at once.
The guilt. The shame. The anger. All the emotion he should have felt in every second that passed while under his mother’s will came back in one go. Perhaps if he was stronger, he could have fought it off. Perhaps if he was smarter, he could have pushed her back. Perhaps if he was good. Perhaps if he weren’t bad. So many different versions of Regulus, all of them better equipped to deal with this than himself.
And that at its core was the only reason he chose to help. His only motivation to sneak back into that room and cast “Rennervate”. Regulus feared the guilt. He only acted to spare himself the guilt of his brothers’ death. Maybe that could look like heroism from another angle, but from Regulus’ view? It was nothing more than a last-ditch effort to save his own conscience. It didn’t even work entirely, but it would have been far worse if Sirius never got out of that room.
Regulus hated the imperius curse.
And that was exactly what this hazy state felt like to him.
The days spent in his room. The days Sirius forced him out. It all felt like he was beyond his body, higher, observing from afar. He couldn’t feel his body. He wasn’t inside his head.
He’d be led to the living room and open a book.
He'd pick at whatever meal was put in front of him.
He’d only speak if asked a direct question
Everything was a reflex. Nothing was his choice. There were moments Regulus swore he had seen through his own eyes. There’d been a pen in his hand. There’d a promise of new clothes. But those moments never lasted, and the second he blinked Regulus would be back in the clouds.
On the morning of June 23rd, he discovered even the way the haze cleared was like that stupid curse.
Shame. Disgust. Regret. Pain. Fear.
They all came down upon him at once and merlin did it hurt.
Six days’ worth of anguish hitting him like a train, pressing down on his chest with the weight of a giant. It was almost enough to send him back into the fog. He certainly wished for it. But of course, Regulus never got what he wished for, that was just how life was.
Stop moping and get up, he told himself as he tried to push the cascade of emotions aside.
Maybe he was a little harsh on himself, but that’s what worked best.
Regulus started to move, wriggling his fingers and toes, trying to the blood moving through his extremities. He reached far above his head and twisted his torso, rolling onto his-
“Ahh. Fuck.” He let out, clenching his jaw at the unexpected pain shooting across out from his side.
He rolled back over, wincing his clothes rubbed against the area and he became aware of a painful throbbing sensation.
Great.
He had a few vague memories of dragging a sharp edge against himself, but he couldn’t recall much more than that. Pushing down his sheets, Regulus went to unfold his waist band. He lifted his shirt to reach for it and-
Just fucking great.
He dropped his top and ran his hands through his hair. He didn’t even want to assess what lay below that.
The damage wasn’t exactly… bad… they were just… poorly thought out.
Regulus was a perfectionist and as with most things, he liked approaching this with strategy. Always the same place, always the same length and always the same depth. He liked knowing exactly how long they would take to heal. He liked knowing what the scars would look like. But he especially liked knowing that if his timing was precise, he could keep his canvas small and never risk needing to cut more visible locations.
It seemed his hazy state had affected his judgement on all accounts. Shorter, longer, deeper, shallower. It was a mess and that was without acknowledging the several visible far beyond the safety of his waistband.
“Idiot,” he muttered, racking his brain for what to do next.
Even if he had his wand, he wasn’t going to heal them. That would just be a waste. He also wasn’t overly concerned about Remus. The wound on his wrist was significantly deeper and was going to take far longer to heal than any of the new lines marking his body, which should help him avoid suspicion. Worst comes to worst he’d reopen the wound and claim he scratched it by mistake.
No. What he was nervous about was how much the bigger surface area and annoying placement was going to make pretending everything was fine. He wasn’t clumsy, but Sirius was always running into people. Regulus also liked to lay against his side when he read. That was going to be more difficult. And that was all without even considering the absolute shit-show that was how his stupid transfigured clothes would fit that day.
If he had a wand, he would have just healed them to avoid suspicion. It would have been a waste, but it would have been safer. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a wand and there was no way he’d be able to steal Sirius’ or Remus’.
Regulus groaned.
Just perfect.
It seemed the hazy state had at least been good for its numbing benefits.
Regulus closed his eyes, trying to put it out of his head, though he quickly found that was a bad idea as reality began to rear its ugly head. The reality of where he was. When he was. And all that had probably changed in the last 20 years.
His parents were dead. It should be a relief to know they’d never hurt him again. But it also meant they’d never get a chance to change. It was all never did and never will, all hope of redemption gone.
His mum and dad would never hug him. They’d never tell him stories about when he was little or celebrate his achievements. They would never make him feel safe or give him a place to call him. Regulus would never hear his mum or dad tell him they loved him.
He’d never been optimistic they would ever change but losing that final bit hope hurt. No child wants to believe their parents hate them and Regulus knew for certain his did.
He tried to swallow the lumping forming in his throat.
Maybe he wouldn’t have cared as much if he had his friends around. They’d tell him they’d always be there for him. That they’d keep him safe. That no matter what happened, they’d support him and help him find his way. It was sappy and disgusting, but that what he wanted more than anything right now.
And in their eyes, you are already dead.
It only hurt more know that life went on after the day at that lake. That 3 years later he was a marked death eater who died probably in service to the Dark Lord. None of his friends had wanted that life and he dreaded thinking about the choices that led to him going down that path. The choices that came after.
Even if they were still alive… he doubted they would want anything to do with him.
Even Pans… he thought miserably.
That one easily hurt the most.
Regulus opened his eyes, choosing to ignore the dampness he could feel around them. He wasn’t going to keep looking like a lost little kid.
Carefully, Regulus crawled out of bed and looked at his newly transfigured clothes with a grimace. He could already see the trousers would be even tighter than the ones he already had on.
He decided against pulling those on and instead left his room, making his way down to the library.
As well as Remus had done with the books he’d chosen for Regulus, he wanted to choose some of his old favourites. He was little annoyed because he’d been halfway through rereading the Oscar Wilde book he’d gotten from Dorcas, but knew there was no way of getting a copy of that back unless he asked to buy a new one. He didn’t really want to do that either. He wanted his copy back. He wanted all of his own stuff back.
Regulus was just turning the corner through the library entrance doors when-
THUD
Regulus let out a sharp gasp, as he ran straight into a tall body. Regulus froze. A memory of bumping into his father in this exact spot flashing through his mind. It was late. He’d been days away from starting first year. He’d just wanted to pack a few of his favourite books in his trunk.
“You clumsy child. Open your eyes will you”
He’d frozen, completely locked up. He knew he should have apologised. He knew he should have moved out his father’s way. But he couldn’t, he was stuck, his muscles wouldn’t work.
“Regulus, get out of my way!”
He’d tried again. He’d tried to step aside but he couldn't. He was stuck and he was going to get into trouble. His breath hitched and he could hear his pulse beating in his ears. He couldn’t even bring his arms up to-
“Oh shit sorry, I wasn’t, wait Reg?! How did you get down here?”
The sound of Sirius’ voice broke him out of the memory.
He looked up and his whole body relaxed.
Merlin it’s just Sirius. Calm down. He scolded himself.
He forced his expression into neutrality, not wanting to embarrass himself more than what he’d already done.
“Obviously I walked you idiot.” He spat, trying to keep his voice as even as possible.
“Oh… um… yes well… ok…”
“Merlin Sirius can you just move, I am trying to go inside”
Sirius, still in shock at his brother’s sudden appearance and change in demeanour immediately obliged, allowing Regulus to push past, which was sort of comical given Sirius was a tall 36 year old man and he was a short 13 year old who topped out at 4’8.
He was about to move further into the library but apparently, he’d given Sirius had figured out what was going on. A hand tightly grabbed his shoulder, preventing him from moving any further.
He let out of huff and turned to glare at his brother, knocking his hand away.
“What now?” He demanded, crossing his arms.
Sirius looked taken aback for second, but quickly composed himself.
“I just thought… What do you want for breakfast?... Remus and I were-”
Regulus groaned, cutting him off mid-sentence. He really wasn’t hungry. He’d eaten every meal they’d made him for the last three days and he wasn’t in the mood to keep stuffing his face like they wanted him too.
Sirius frowned.
“Reg, you have to eat something, I can’t just-”
“I’m not hungry” he fired back, his agitation rising. What was Sirius’ problem? He made a big deal about this on the first night too.
Sirius frown deepened, “Reg, you didn’t eat for two days. You can’t just-”
“And I’ve eaten for three now.”
“Reg you still need to eat for today.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“Reg that’s not a good reason-”
“Well, it’s mine.”
“Come on, how about some-”
“Why can’t you just drop it?”
“Because Reg you have-”
“No, I don’t have to”
“I’m not trying-”
“Just go away.”
“No, you-”
“Stop telling me what to do!”
“Reg stop interrupting-”
“No!”
“Regulus, listen to me-”
“I don’t want to!”
“Regulus, will you just-”
“You’re not father-”
“REGULUS!”
Regulus stilled, snapping his mouth shut, instinctively flinching back.
For moment, there was complete silence as they registered what had happened. Then, realisation dawned on Sirius and his face dropped as he realised what he’d done. As he realised how Regulus had reacted.
“Reg I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t… I didn’t mean to shout… You just… You wouldn’t let me talk… and…” Sirius stammered, trailing off with guilt written all over his face.
Regulus stayed quiet, the shout having knocked the words out of his mouth. He hadn’t been expecting Sirius to yell like that. In his mind, he’d been arguing with Sirius. His 16 year old brother Sirius. But that shout… his Sirius had never done that before…
Regulus look a step back, suddenly very aware of the fact this was a completely different Sirius. This Sirius was an adult and had been for more than half his life now. He was a grown man trying to deal with a little kid who was getting on his nerves…
He looked at the floor, holding his hands behind his back.
“Sorry for interrupting you,” he murmured.
He heard Sirius take a sharp breath.
“Reg I am so sorry I didn’t mean to do that.”
“It’s fine,” Regulus answered.
There was another beat of silence before Sirius spoke again.
“You just really scared me, Reg… I was so worried about you... I’m still so worried about you…”
Regulus kept his head down. He knew Sirius had been worried. But he still wasn’t convinced that it was him he was worried about. Sirius was an adult now. Of course he’d feel a little guilty watching a kid do… Regulus shuddered as a rush of shame surged through him… whatever that had been. But that didn’t mean he was worried about him specifically.
Sirius had tried to kill him, drown him in the lake. Sirius had been tortured within an inch of his life and seen Regulus laughing along at his pain with the rest of their family. Why would he care about Regulus? He just felt bad because he was a kid, not because that kid was his brother.
“Can I please go, Sirius?” He murmured. He didn’t want to make his brother mad again.
Sirius sighed, “Yeh… yeh of course… sorry…”
“Thanks.” Regulus muttered as he turned around and disappeared behind the first row of shelves he passed.
---
Sirius
Sirius ran a hand through his hair as he watched Regulus escape into the library, this thoughts racing.
Why did I yell? Why couldn’t I hold it in? Why did I do that? What’s wrong with me? How could I do that?
He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t do that. He’d sworn that he wouldn’t lose his temper like that, not for a second after Regulus had reacted so badly to a fight that almost happened. Not after he’d locked himself away. Not after he’d watched a hollow shell of his brother stare blankly into space for three days.
What if this did it? What if it happened again?
No… I can’t watch that again…
Sirius looked at the spot where Regulus had just stood.
He just got out… I can’t believe… I couldn’t even last one day…
“You’re not father”
That’s what Regulus was saying right before he shouted to force him silent. It worked too. It worked way too well.
Sirius leant back against the doorframe as the scene played out in his head over and over.
The moment the words had left his lips. The exact moment Regulus recognised his tone. It was like he’d watched a switch flip inside of Regulus as he went from lively and animated, to mute and meek. How had their parents been able to watch that happen and keep going? How could anyone enjoy holding that power over a kid?
You also said you’d never snap to begin with, but here we are.
Sirius sighed.
What if he really did have it in him? What if he snapped again and went a little further? What if he got used to it and it no longer stopped him?
No I’m not… I’m not like them…
But what if deep down he was? What if after everything… he was bad just like everyone else? That he was cursed to be exactly what he fought so hard not to become?
Sirius folded his arms as he stared blankly at the other side of the doorframe.
“You’re not father”
But that’s exactly who he’d become a moment later and they had both seen it.
“You’re exactly like father”, “You yelled”, “You were going to hurt me”, “You were going to hit me”, “You hate me too”
Regulus cowering. Regulus flinching away. His eyes going wide. His voice going quiet.
“Stop…” Sirius choked, “I’m not…”
But he couldn’t even finish the sentence. He wanted it to go away. He needed it to stop. He needed…
Sirius tensed as the urge grew.
No… No I can’t…
You already broke one promise, the voice pushed him.
No I said I wouldn’t… I have to stop…
Just one more, it tempted.
I… I can’t… Remus…
He doesn’t have to find out.
I… I shouldn’t… I just…
Sirius gritted his teeth. He needed Remus. He needed help. He couldn’t go back on his word already. He had to stop.
“R-Remus?” He called out, his voice cracking.
Tears were welling up in his eyes, his throat was closing up. He wanted to shout for his Moony. He needed his help, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t be too loud. He didn’t want Regulus to hear him. He didn’t want Regulus to see this.
“Remus?” He croaked again.
Please come here, Moons…
He didn’t trust himself to move. He didn’t trust himself to go look.
He knew he should have gotten rid of it all, but he hadn’t had the guts. He didn’t want to feel like he had to go so far to stop himself. He should be able to just say no.
But he couldn’t. He never could. That’s why he was in this mess.
I’m sorry…
He couldn’t take it anymore.
Sirius peeled himself off the doorframe and stepped toward his relief.
But he never got that far.
Sirius suddenly felt arms wrapping tightly around him, pulling him to safety, keeping from harm. It was too much.
“I’m s-sorry I-I was… I w-wanted… I-I was g-going…” he sobbed as he collapsed into Remus, “I-I was… I d-didn’t w-want… b-but I w-was…”
He wrapped himself around Remus, holding on so tightly, so desperately, like the world would fall apart if they did. felt so small, so weak. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he just be normal? It was his fault it came to this. He was the one that yelled and now he had the audacity to want comfort? He didn’t deserve this. But Merlin, he needed it.
He pressed his face into Remus’ jumper. Breathing in his earthy scent. Letting the fabric absorb his tears.
“It’s alright I’ve got you. It’s gonna be alright.” Remus’ soothing voice assured him, “You’re alright, Pads. I’m here now.”
But was it?
Sirius shuddered and Remus pulled him closer.
Because he still wanted to go. He still wanted to drink. He was still fighting not to push Remus away and take what was calling him. There was alcohol hidden all over this house from the days his parents lived here. He wanted to find it and take it all for himself.
“I-I’m s-so… I s-still w-want… w-why do I s-still…”
“It’s going to be ok. I’m here. You’re not alone.”
Then why do I still feel this way?
Remus was right there… He was right fucking here… And still all Sirius wanted want was forget everything… Drink until he couldn’t remember who he was anymore…
His fathers voice echoed thought his head. Narrating the memories he couldn’t stop from coming.
In the study. In the living room. In his bedroom. In the kitchen. Here in this hall…
“You’re a stain on our legacy”, “You’ll never escape who you are”, “Nobody will ever love you”, “You make me sick”
He didn’t want to be a Black. He didn’t even want to be Sirius. He wanted to disappear and stop being anything. Why was he the one that stayed?
James was dead… Lily was gone… Marlene… Dorcas... They deserved to live so much more than he ever did. They were good. Really, truly good people without all the issues he had. And he was the one that made it through…
He made it through all this time just so he could turn into the thing he’d fought so hard against becoming. A bitter, angry man who did nothing but drink and scare the people he loved.
“It’s alright, Sirius. I’m here now.”
Sirius gasped for air, trying to breath but he couldn’t.
“N-no… n-no… I-I’m… b-bad… I-I d-did it… a-again… h-he…”
“You aren’t bad. Just try to breath and we’ll talk after”
“B-But.. I-I…”
“Just hold me, Pads. Just…” Remus voice started to break. It sounded tight and Sirius could hear the way his breaths were shaking. He could feel the way Remus’ embrace was still, somehow getting tight.
“Just be with me, P-Pads. I’m… I’m not g-gonna let you go.”
So, Sirius stayed.
He stayed standing there in Remus arms, while Remus stood there in his. Each holding on for dear life as they tried to keep the other from falling apart.
Time passed. He didn’t know how much. He didn’t care. Distantly he thought about Regulus, how much he wanted to hold his brother and apologise. How much he wanted to embrace him and tell him everything was going to turn out ok. But he held onto Remus for now. He needed his Moony.
Eventually, as the memories stopped, the urges began to subside. Not entirely, but enough that his voice was louder than the rest.
He pulled back and let himself get a look at Remus. At the man he loved with everything he had. The faint lines starting to deepen all around his face, born from years of worry and joy alike. His eyes were red and rimmed with tears. His cheeks looked puffy, and he looked like he was minutes away from collapsing from exhaustion.
And he was the most beautiful person Sirius had ever laid eyes on. How had he ended up so lucky? How he had managed to convince such a wonderful person to go through life with him was beyond his knowledge, but he was so happy he had.
Sirius raised a hand to Remus’ cheek
“I’m so lucky to have you,” he whispered as he brushed his thumb back and forth over Remus’ scarred cheekbone.
Remus looked down at him, his eyes glinting with something Sirius didn’t have the energy to figure out.
“Are you feeling better?” Remus asked, as let his hands slide down to rest on Sirius’ waist.
Sirius nodded.
“Do you want to talk about it over breakfast?”
Sirius looked down at the mention of breakfast but nodded again. He didn’t want to talk about it here, not where Regulus might over here them.
Remus reached up and placed his own hand over Sirius’, pulling it away and lacing their fingers together.
He led Sirius down the hall and into the kitchen. He settled Sirius into a chair and began pulling out cutlery and ingredients.
“Are scrambled eggs, okay?”
“What? The toaster broken?” Sirius teased.
Remus chuckled and began pulling out the ingredients.
“I know you like this more.”
Sirius smiled. This is how their lives should have been. Not mixed up with war.
“Have I ever told you how much I love you?”
“Maybe once or twice” Remus replied from the bench as he whisked a few eggs together.
Sirius grinned.
A comfortable silence fell over them as Remus cooked. He didn’t cook often, and Sirius liked to joke that he would poison them if he tried, but in truth he wasn’t that bad. His taste for toast and tendency to reach for quick and easy was just a result of the moon affecting his energy levels. Sirius was pretty sure vegetables hadn’t been making frequent appearances in his diet since the days Sirius cooked in their apartment.
So when Remus set down their plates, he was pleasantly surprise to see some sautéed vegetables on the side too. Mushrooms, capsicum, and a little onion, all browned off, slightly on the burnt side, just the way he liked it.
“Thank you,” he said before taking his first mouthful. Alright, maybe a little to far on the burnt side, but he didn’t mind.
“Perfect.” He said, making Remus blush a little as he took his seat beside Sirius.
They continued to sit in silence, the conversation they needed to have looming over them. Sirius didn’t want to have it, but he needed to.
“It was Regulus,” he said, causing Remus to look up, clearly surprised.
“Downstairs? On his own?”
“Yeh, I was coming out of the library and ran into him… literally… and well…” Sirius sucked in a breath. “I was just so surprised and confused and… I don’t know… but I kept my cool and tried to just be calm.”
Remus nodded along.
“So I asked if he wanted to come join us for some breakfast… but… I don’t know, Remus… He just started saying he wasn’t hungry and I said he needed to eat something then he got really agitated and I was getting agitated and I tried to keep calm but he just kept going and he wouldn’t let me speak and then…”
Sirius cut off his rambling, dropping his knife and fork to his plate and putting his head in his hands. He sucked in a breath, trying to keep himself composed. He didn’t want to get upset again.
“It’s alright,” Remus said, putting down his own utensils, “Take your time.”
Sirius dragged his hands across his face, coming to rest them beneath his chin.
“I just don’t… I don’t understand why he was so annoyed with me… I know I bumped into him but it was like the moment I mentioned eating he was out for blood… and then he started saying all this stuff about me trying to control him and…” Sirius choked out.
He looked up at Remus. The shame of it too much.
“I just want him to be okay, Moons. I just wanted him to listen to me and eat something. He is too thin Remus and…”
No. No you are not going to cry. You are not going to…
Sirius tried to keep his breaths even.
In and out. In and out.
“I shouted… I knew I shouldn’t have but… I’m just so worried about him and… I tried saying sorry but he just… he went so quiet and I felt so bad… ” Sirius put his face back in his hands, before he finished that sentence. He sounded like his mother. We only do it to keep you safe. Just listen and we won’t have to do that. I’m sorry but we had no choice.
“You should have seen his face, Moons…” Sirius choked, “I did that, Moons… I’m just like them and-”
“Sirius you are nothing like them.” Remus cut in, “You have been thrown into this completely unprepared and you’re just doing your best.”
His voice was firm, reassuring and Sirius allowed himself to look up.
“Regulus is clearly having a difficult time and I know it’s easy to blame yourself, but he is thirteen Sirius. He is going to get frustrated that his older brother is trying to look after him-”
“But I yelled at him, Remus. He doesn’t deserve that-”
“Of course, he doesn't and you’re right, you made a mistake but Sirius…” He took a breath, “You can’t keep beating yourself up like this. It sounds like Regulus was being difficult and even I would have gotten frustrated after going back and forth.”
Remus reached out, resting his hand on Sirius upper arm.
“You stopped yourself the moment you realised what happened and I am so proud of you for that. And you know what? Even after all that you still called for me and you stopped yourself again.”
Sirius swallowed, because no he didn’t. He didn’t stop. He was on his way to the cupboard when Remus found him. He had already given up at that point.
“I didn’t though… I-I was… walking to find-”
“But you called me first. More than once, you held back and made the choice to ask for help when you needed it. I am so proud of you for that, Pads. There is no shame in having needed me to support you through the rest.”
Sirius reached out and grabbed hold of Remus free hand.
“Thank you.”