Chapter 7
Regulus
It’s frustrating how feelings work, even more so when you’ve been conditioned to think about them in a certain way. No matter how much it was instilled in Regulus that he was not to show weakness. Not to let anyone see him falter or breakdown. He was, unfortunately, human.
He wished he could be more robotic, less caring, less bothered by everything. But that wasn’t how he was wired. Everything bothered him, all of the time and no matter how much he tried to contain it, his emotions always came out in the end.
He’d had no intention of letting himself look so feeble in front of Remus. He’d tried so, so hard to keep it under control. But he failed. Remus saw it all. He had already let himself go the day before, in the same place, at almost the same time. That had been embarrassing enough, but now? He’d gone and done it again! What was wrong with him?
He had been fine all morning and then Lupin had to come along and ruin everything. First he came in here, started riling him up with all these stupid feelings, acting like he gave a shit and then left him to wallow in his own self-pity.
You did say, you were fine
”I am fine.” He spat through gritted teeth. Because he was fine. He was perfectly, absolutely fine, and he didn’t need anything from anyone and he could handle this on his own. He was not weak. He was not frail. He was not some stupid little kid, with stupid little emotions, that needed stupid little hugs.
He heard a door upstairs shut and he took that as his sign to move.
He picked up his bowl, dumping what was left into the bin and stormed his way back to his room.
I don’t need Lupin and I most certainly do not need my stupid brother
He shut the door behind him, wishing he could lock it. Stupid parents. Stupid dead parents. Stupid house. Stupid brother. Stupid brother in his house. Why was everyone in his life so stupid? Why couldn’t people just leave him alone and let him deal with everything himself. He could handle things on his own. He was perfectly capable of figuring out a solution to all of this mess without any outside help. Least of all from his blood traitor brother and his half-breed pet dog of a boyfriend.
Regulus froze.
I didn’t mean that.
Yes, you did.
No, I… I’m not like that…
Then why did you say it?
Because… because…
Because you are exactly the same as everyone in your family.
No… I didn’t mean it… I’m not…
You are and you did. You’re a puppet. You’re a good for nothing excuse for wizard, who is too weak to pick a side.
I’m… I’m not… I just…
You are. You’re too weak to be a Black. You’re too cowardly to leave like Sirius. You are nothing you are supposed to be and everything you’re supposed to be not. You are an insolent child who doesn’t know how to stand up for himself or submit. You are nothing Regulus. You are nothing and you will never be anything. You were born to be second place, and you can’t even be that. You are a prejudiced pureblood who’s had everything handed to him on a sliver platter and you still find excuses to be weak.
Please stop…
Stop? Why? Because you know that it’s true? Because you can’t handle hearing what everyone thinks about you? Sirius hates you. Mother and father hate you. Pandora just feels sorry for you. Evan and Barty are only friendly because they don’t want to live with a wet blanket. Dorcas she just wants to win quidditch and forced into training the last resort newbie. You are weak. Everyone knows it. Remus knows it, he just walked away in disgust after watching you sook like a little baby. You know it too, that’s why you do all those things to yourself. Can’t handle it all like a normal person and resort to doing that. You’re a freak if you think anyone will ever about someone like you.
Please… please stop…
You are hated on both sides, by everyone no matter what. Why else would Sirius drop you in that lake? Why did none of your so-called friends try harder to stop him? James hates you too. All he did was help Sirius try hurt you, and you still can’t let go. Imagine what would happen if everyone found out about that? Imagine if everyone found out just how much of a disgusting freak you are? What would your mother and father do to you if they found out? They would hate you even more than they hated Sirius. You were supposed to be the backup, the perfect spare to step in if something went wrong and you were more of a queer than he was. At least he had some interest in girls. At least he had the guts to stand up for himself. You are nothing but a disgusting, filthy faggot, too craven to fight for himself and too spineless to change.
Please stop. Leave me alone. Please…
Regulus was on his knees. The door closed behind him, holding his head in his hands. He didn’t dare yell. He didn’t dare make a sound. He couldn’t do anything that might alert Sirus or Remus to what was going on. They’d seen enough. The voice in his head was right. He was already a burden to everyone in his life. He was a burden to himself. No one could know, he had to be better, do better, be perfect. He was disgusting. He didn’t even want to be around himself.
I’m sorry Pans, I can’t…
He hauled himself up, and ran to his desk, looking for something, anything that would give him the punishment he deserved. Teach himself a lesson. Stop himself the voices in his head before they got too loud.
He could feel a queasy sensation in his stomach. His throat was thick. His head was heavy, so full of stuff. He just wanted it all to stop.
The draw wasn’t anything special, full of yellowing scrolls of blank parchment, disintegrating wax seals and dried up inkwells. He tried to ignore the books on curse breaking and dark artefacts, with notes all written in the margins. That made his stomach twist. Had he really become that person? Would he still become that person?
Come on, please, please, please I need something, just give me something. Anything, please.
He tossed his hands through the mess, getting more and more desperate with each passing second now that he’d made his choice. He needed it. He needed it now. His fingers caught on something sharp. He grabbed it. An old dip pen. He didn’t hesitate.
He collapsed against the leg of his desk, folding down the hem of his trousers and closed his eyes so he didn’t have to see the amalgamation of silvery lines he’d put there. He really was disgusting. Head pressed against the table, he screwed up his face preparing himself. It still hurt, that was just the point.
Regulus placed the pen nib to the side of his hip, sucking in as the sharp, cold metal made contact with his skin.
Do it.
So, he did.
The first was always the hardest. Overcoming that initial break, and dragging it across his skin, splitting it apart. It hurt. It really did hurt. The pen nib was duller than what he was used too, and he had to press harder for it to break the surface. He could feel as every fibre of his skin was hacked apart unevenly, but he relaxed into the aftermath. The sting as the air got into it. Merlin, he was sickening. But merlin, did he enjoy it.
The voices quieted and he finally felt the tension in his body ease as the mark on his body wept. He slumped back, letting his shoulders down and his breath return to normal. Feeling the sensations. Noticing the throb. But it didn’t last for long. The voices always came back.
Do it again, they told him. You’ve gone and done it now. May as well go again.
He didn’t fight them this time. It was always easier the second time.
He pressed the nib to his skin, unbothered by its cold temperature this time, uncaring about its odd shape. He pressed down and dragged it across. The threads of his skin snapped as it moved, pulling apart and burning as his flesh was exposed to the world. It hurt. It really hurt. But that was the point.
He dropped the pen this time, running his fingers over the lines, feeling for the ooze of warmth. He felt it, and a spark of euphoria coursed through him as he pinched the skin between his fingers to fasten its escape.
You’re so disgusting, he thought to himself as he ran his fingers together, slicked with his own pure blood. He wished it wasn’t called that. He was anything but pure.
Regulus, at last opened his eyes, looking down at himself to investigate the damage. It was a confused flurry of conflicting emotions. Relief. Joy. Regret. Grief. Guilt. It was ridiculous how he reacted to it. He did it to himself. He chose to do it. He didn’t have any right to feel… well… anything. He should have felt numb. But he didn’t, he felt too much.
He looked away, unable to bear the sight of what he’d done. Look at the evidence left from all the times before. The voices were coming back, but the guilt was louder.
It was ironic that he claimed to do it for control. That he liked feeling like he was the one with the power. When he was the one being controlled. Controlled by the voices in his head. He wasn’t the one calling the shots. It was still his mother. His father. His brother. The people pulling him in opposite directions. They were the reason he was splitting apart.
“Well,” Regulus choked out, half laughing, “Not anymore right?”
Somehow that was worse.
He sat there until the flow stopped. Sat there longer until it all dried up. He was meticulous about keeping everything clean and he had no mess to clear up. The only evidence on his hip and the tips of his fingers. He was calmer now. Like he’d started a new chapter. Like this morning had happened to an old Regulus, and he was a blank slate.
He folded the hem of his trousers back up and grabbed the pen, wincing as the fabric rubbed against his hip.
Not exactly a blank slate though is it.
Regulus ignored that though, shoved the pen back into his desk draw, slamming it shut. As far as he was concerned, nothing had happened.
He slipped out of his bedroom, careful to hide his hand in his robes, and quickly entered the bathroom. He scrubbed and scrubbed until he was absolutely certain that no trace remained. This was his thing. He’d already had enough of a panic the first night he’d woken up, thinking Pomfrey had sent him home. He did not want to go through that again, especially with his brother and-
Regulus stilled.
Remus… his heart began to race, and his face suddenly growing warm…
He didn’t know much about werewolves. They’d briefly covered them in his second year of defence, coming back for a little revision at the start of his third, but none of that had been very informative beyond how to defence yourself against an attack. He supposed that was the point of defence, but he couldn’t help but feel frustrated that they hadn’t learnt anymore than that. Especially now that he was living one.
There hadn’t been much research done on werewolves, most were killed upon identification until the registry got set up, but even then, most didn’t want to submit themselves for poking and prodding by researchers. There were a lot of rumours about werewolves though, Regulus didn’t much for them except for one. It was pretty commonly believed that even in human form, werewolves were able to detect the scent of human blood.
The marks on Regulus’ hip burned.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
What was he going to do? He hadn’t been disturbed yet which meant if it was true, there was limit to his range. But how much closer would he have to get before he realised something was different? He had to keep calm. He had to stay relaxed. If there was anytime for him to use control it was now. He had to think of a solution to this.
But what solution could there possibly be?
He could try checking the library for books, but there was no guarantee he’d find anything. Besides, he’d have to somehow avoid Lupin long enough to get the books and he knew there was no way they would leave him alone long enough for that. Perhaps he could just hope it was a myth, but no. He couldn’t risk that.
If Lupin noticed something, he was bound to ask questions and he was easily as smart of Pandora… If she could work it out just by noticing his mood, he wouldn’t be able to get away with this long with Remus.
Shit
If Remus really could smell human blood, he would surely notice it the moment they were in the same room. How was he supposed to cover that up? Perhaps he could brew some kind of potion to cover up the smell? No. Even if that worked, he had no supplied or any idea how to make something like that. Perhaps if he stole some of his mothers perfume? No that was stupid. Even if it worked, how would he explain having so much of it on himself. Sure he could claim it spilled for the first day, but he’d have to reapply it after a shower.
Wait… That’s it…
Regulus finished drying his hands and hurried back to his room, hoping he wouldn’t run into anyone on the way. He didn’t, thankfully, and closed his door, heading straight for the desk drawer. He opened it up and grabbed the old dip dip pen sitting on top.
If he couldn’t cover up the smell, he could at least redirect it.
He had to think about this carefully. He didn’t want it somewhere that anyone would notice by sight, but it had to be in a place he could reasonably brush off as an accident. It wasn’t the perfect excuse but it hardly sounded suspicious. He would only mention it, if Remus said something that indicated he knew Regulus was injured.
If he didn’t bring it up, he’d know he was in the clear.
If he did, Regulus would show him the little mark and explain that he nicked himself while rummaging through his drawers. He’d have to be more careful in the future, but he’d already played this game with Pandora.
Regulus decided that the inside of wrist would be the best spot. He stabbed the tip of the pen into it. He gasped at the sudden pain but kept his face still. He would say it had been pressed against the back of the drawer, and it had caught him as he tried to reach for it. He pulled it out, making sure to tear the skin slightly as he pulled it out so it didn’t look as purposefully.
It bled. Not much, but enough, and it was hidden by his sleeves well enough.
Relief flooded his body. He’d get through this. At last, Regulus could breath again.
---
Sirius
After his conversation with Remus, Sirius decided to distract himself with chores. He usually preferred using magic to clean, but the muggle method was best when he needed something to do with his hands.
First he wrote a list of groceries for Remus to collect, then he cleaned up from where he’d made breakfast. He had been tempted to ask Regulus for a hand, just to spend some time with him, but decided against it. He imagined that a 13 year old wouldn’t be overly thrilled at the idea of household chores, he certainly wouldn’t have been.
He tidied up the kitchen, the living room, his own room and even decided to give the bathrooms a little clean. It was tiring, boring work, but that was what he needed right now. When he ran out of things to do, decided to get ahead start on clearing out one of the guest rooms. He would need to have as many of them safe and not full of dark artefacts likely to curse any curious passer-by before order members started arriving. It wasn’t for another couple of weeks before Tonks and Kinsley arrived, but he was the worlds worst procrastinator and if the cleaning urge was here now? He was going to make use of it.
Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust. It was dark and dingy, and the decorations were just as hideous as the rest of the house. The walls were covered in what appeared to have once been grey, floral wallpaper, but was tinged yellow for age. It smelled like it hadn’t been opened in decades, which, was probably the case.
There was a king sized bed in the centre of the room, a few large cabinets, a desk and a window with its curtains drawn shut. Everything was fancy. Everything was overdone. It looked someone had just bough the most expensive of everything they could find, and put it in this room just to say ‘Hey look at me, I am richer than you’.
Sirius snorted, because that was probably exactly how this room had been designed.
First he spelled the room free of dust, because no amount of distraction was worth trying to get rid of that by hand. He opened the curtains so he could see what he was doing and got to work on the first cabinet. Naturally there was a boggart in that one. He had always found the creatures annoying more than anything, because unless you had a tangible fear that could reasonably exist in that moment, it wasn’t scary. Remus’ boggart was the moon, understandable but not exactly a fearsome opponent for someone who was painfully well-aware of the current moon phase.
His own boggart had changed over the years, most peoples did as they grew and changed over time. At one point it had been his mother. At another it had been Remus telling him what a disgrace he was. He’d never been able to get that image out of his head. For a while it had been seeing the corpses of his friends. A sight into the future that one had been.
He’d handled one boggart since coming back to Grimmauld place, while cleaning out the living room. It had taken him a little by surprise, jumping out from under one of the lounges. It hadn’t been a pleasant experience, but it he’d managed, after all, corpses weren’t exactly hostile. Seeing Remus lying dead on the ground had caused him to panic slightly at first and seeing a dead Harry had brought back some very bad memories. But he had managed and he was ready this time.
Well… he’d thought he was ready.
He hadn’t been expecting to see himself.
Boggart Sirius was his height, wearing long dark hooded robes. But his face was twisted in a way Sirius had never thought possible. His brows were knitted together in a sinister furrow, casting a dark shadow over his eyes. Eyes gleaming with a chilling, predatory light. His lips were curled into a sinister sneer of cruel amusement. Sirius knew that expression. He knew that look.
Its left sleeve was up and Sirius wanted to be sick. The dark mark was branded on his mark. The snakes all twisting around each other as if alive, dark against his pale skin.
The figure held out his wand, walking slowly toward Sirius, shaking his head as if enjoying the state of shock Sirius was in. Then he saw it… and his whole world collapsed.
Behind boggart Sirius lay a pile of corpses. Bodies of the people he cared about more than anything in the world. Remus, Harry and to his complete and utter shock… the body of his little brother, Regulus Black.
Its not real, he tried to tell himself, holding out his wand as the boggart approached him.
But he couldn’t focus. He couldn’t move. His eyes darted around everything in front of him, unable to keep his attention on one for long enough. The face of his father. The mark a Voldemort. The bodies of his family.
He tried to think of something to make the scene less real, but nothing was springing to mind. How could he possibly make light of this? This wasn’t just a fear, this was a nightmare. He’d lived in his sleep before.
“Riddikulus” he tried, but the boggart just laugh maniacally in his face.
“Riddikulus” he cast again, but he had no image in his mind. No idea of how he could make this scene go away.
He shivered as the Sirius in front of stepped even closer,
I can’t
Before the creature could take another step, he darted to his right, out the door, slamming it shut. He breathed heavily as the shock of what he’d seen wore off. The bodies… himself… When had it changed? He’d never faced a boggart like that before, he’d always prided himself on being able to face them… at what point had his…
Regulus.
It had to have been Regulus, after all, his corpse had been one of the three.
He inhaled. He didn’t want to think about this. He could not deal with this.
Sirius got up and began to walk, trying to keep a lid on everything bubbling to the surface. He would never do that. He would never do that. Sirius would never be that person. He had fought his entire life against becoming what everyone expected him to be. He’d suffered his whole life in this house and spend 12 years rotting away in Azkaban because people were too blinded by hate. Against everything. After all that. He was here with Remus. He was alive and here with Remus and he was happier than he’d been for as long as he could remember.
“I’m not that person. I’m not that person.” He muttered under his breath.
Because he wasn’t that person, he would never…
The memories of the other night with Regulus came flooding back. The look of terror. His trembling body. His baby brother backing away from him, cowering because of him.
No. That was an accident… That was… He didn’t know it was me…
The memory of what Remus said to him this morning.
“The similarity is too much… he already thinks you tried too…”
“No, no, no, NO!” He roared.
He wasn’t that person. He was not that person.
He didn’t think as he reached the kitchen. He grabbed the nearest bottle and raised it to his lips…
You promised you’d stop
Sirius paused. He could smell the liquid clearly. He knew what it was. He knew what he was about to do. Its sharp, sweet scent urged him to take a sip. Just one. Maybe a few. Maybe a glass. Maybe a couple of glasses. The image of the boggart shot through his mind again. His fathers face…
This is exactly what he would do, a voice in his head called out.
His stomach dropped. But the urge didn’t go away. He knew what he was doing. He knew what it looked like. But he didn’t know what else to do.
Wait for Remus, another voice called out, he wants to help
Sirius shook his head. He couldn’t keep burdening Remus with everything. He couldn’t keep putting this all onto him when he had his own issues to do with. What if he pushed too hard and Remus realised, he wasn’t worth all the effort? He couldn’t let Remus go. He couldn’t be alone. He needed him. He loved him.
I’m sorry Moony…
Sirius tipped up the edge of the bottle and took his first sip.
---
Regulus
It was nearing midday when Regulus heard the front door swing open and the voice of Remus Lupin announce his return. He’d heard Sirius stumbling around all morning doing housework and decided to hide out in his room for a while, still a little nervous to spend time with his brother one on one.
Why Sirius did the housework manually instead of with magic? Regulus had no idea, but if it kept him distracted enough from coming to pester him, he was glad for it. Now that Lupin was here though… well he’d have to make an appearance sooner or later and he was anxious to test his theory. He needed to know.
Regulus made sure his sleeve was secure and began heading downstairs. As he approached the kitchen he could hear muffled voices, whispering back and forth. He couldn’t quite make out what was being said.
What if they’re talking about you? What if they already know?
He shook his head. There was no way. Right? Still… it couldn’t hurt to eavesdropping a little bit. Just to confirm they weren’t talking about him.
As he got closer Regulus stepped as lightly as possible, straining his ears to listen out for key words.
“Sirius there is no point in hiding it, I already saw”
“I’m not hiding anything; you must have seen wrong”
“Pads, please. I can’t help if you’re not honest with me-”
So they definitely weren’t talking about him, but there were having a disagreement about Sirius hiding something. He was a little surprised by that, he’d thought Sirius to be the kind of person who wouldn’t keep anything from his partner. Strange.
Regulus took another step forward hoping to find a better-
CREAK.
The voices stopped.
Shit.
Regulus pulled himself upright, putting on his usual blank look just in time to see Sirius poking his head out the door.
“Oh hey Reg, you want to join us for some lunch?” He asked in his usual cheery voice.
Before he had a chance to reply, Remus voice called out, “Sirius I don’t-”
“And I told you. It’s nothing.”
Really strange…
Regulus took a cautious step forward into the kitchen, where he felt the tension immediately. Remus was leaning against the wall with his arms folded, a stern look on his face directed at Sirius. Sirius meanwhile has his backed turned, humming a tune under his breath like nothing was wrong, cutting up some vegetables at the bench.
When Remus caught sight of Regulus, he gave one final glare at the back of Sirius head and-
There it was. Remus brow furrowed and his head tilted slightly to the side as his eyes flitted up and down, giving Regulus a once over.
I was right
Regulus wasn’t sure whether to sigh with relief or annoyance. On hand he’d been right and made the right choice in covering it up, on the other hand, he’d been right, and would have to keep covering it up.
“Hello Regulus,” he said, eyeing him with a confused expression, “How was your morning?”
Regulus saw through the question immediately and kept his expression calm. He had to play this right. There was no reason for Remus to think anything was afoot or that he was trying to cover anything up. He’d made a casual easy to make mistake, that was all.
“I had a bit of a mishap while looking for a pen,” he said calming holding up his injured arm, allowing the sleeve to drop and reveal the small mark, “but alright aside from that”
Remus’ face relaxed and Regulus felt a surge of pride.
“Want me to heal it for you?”
The surge turned to dread. He hadn’t planned for that. If Remus healed this wound, it would be obvious he had another. And he wouldn’t be able to pass off that as accident.
Regulus looked up at Remus, trying to think of something to say, painfully aware of the time slipping by. He had to say something. He had to say something.
“Oh um… No it’s… It’s not that bad.”
Remus frowned, “Are you sure? It’s really no trouble.”
Regulus swallowed.
“Um… Yeh I’m sure, really it’s fine…” He managed to get out, his voice trailing off toward the end.
Remus looked unconvinced that it was fine, looking him up and down again. He opened his mouth to speak but Sirius jumped in first, talking a million miles an hour.
“Hey Reg, Remus picked up some lunch for us on his way home. You probably thought I was cooking something, well I am but this is for later. The food is in the bag. It’s just fish and chips. You do like that right? I can’t remember if its served at Hogwarts. I know we never had it here. If you don’t like it, you can have something else. Maybe just try it? Or…”
Regulus raised his eyebrows as Sirius continued to talk.
What is wrong with him?
He looked over at Remus, hoping to get an answer, but found Remus looking at Sirius. His jaw was tight, and his eyes looked like they would start watering any second now.
He must have felt Regulus attention and turned to face him. He smiled weakly.
“Foods in there.”
But Regulus decided against moving further into the kitchen. He looked at Sirius who now stopped talking and gone back to chopping up vegetables. His skin was crawling. He didn’t know what this was, but he didn’t want to get in the middle of it.
He crossed one arm in front of his body, grabbing the other and gripping it tightly. His brother was still humming under his breath as if nothing were going on, swaying from foot to foot. But Regulus could see it, the stiffness through his shoulders, the heavy-handed cuts he made with the knife.
Remus was standing to his full height against the wall, his fingers tapping furiously on his arm, his eyes darting between Sirius and the cupboard by his head. His expression was dark, a look Regulus hadn’t seen on his face before.
His hesitation didn’t go unnoticed.
Sirius turned around, wearing a smile that felt too wide.
“Reg I swear, just because it didn’t cost a fortune, it isn’t gonna kill you. Just give it a try. I promise it’s not poisoned. We have muggle food all the time so I hope that’s not the issue. You want me to get you a plate? I’ll get you a plate. So what have you been up too this morning? I spent mine…”
Completely ignoring Remus, Sirius made his way over to the table and started pulling out the box of takeout as he rambled on about his morning cleaning the house. The moment Sirius had his back turned, Remus strode across the kitchen, straight for the counter Sirius had just been standing at.
Sirius froze when he looked up to see where Remus was standing. The smile dropped from his face and Regulus noticed for the first time how glassy Sirius’ eyes were.
His started looking back and forth between Remus and himself.
“Moons…” his voiced cracked, “please… please don’t…”
Regulus watched as Remus’ expression dropped and he thought back to the conversation he’d interrupted. Sirius had hidden something and by Regulus’ estimates, it had been placed in the cupboard Remus was now reaching for.
Regulus’ tightened his grip on his arm. He could feel it coming, the argument, the yelling. He’d seen this play out before, over and over again. It was just liked being… well… here again. He didn’t want to get caught in the middle of his brothers fights anymore. He didn’t want to be here for this.
He watched as Remus opened the cupboard and he felt his chest tighten. His eyes still looking back and forth between the two men. He took a step back.
CREAK
The floorboard Regulus had stepped onto made a loud sound, that echoed through the space, drawing the attention of Remus and Sirius.
Regulus took another step back, uncomfortable with the attention now on him. Memories of watching his parents argue with Sirius started rushing back. Him getting dragged into it, used as a tool to make Sirius listen. He could feel his heartrate increasing, his hand squeezing his arm.
He tried to take another step back, to escape, get out, but to his horror found himself unable to move.
He closed his eyes and waited for it.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
But it never came? The shouting, the fighting, it never began.
Regulus opened his eyes.
Sirius had taken a seat and was staring at him. Remus had a hand in his hair, gripping it tightly, also staring at Regulus. But not with anger or malice. Not with anything that even closely resembled irritation or outrage. They both just looked sad. Disappointed. Like they’d failed at something important.
Streams of tears were following down Sirius face, and Remus looked like he was struggling to hold his back.
“Regulus…” someone started to say, but he wasn’t sure which, because he’d already fled.