Chapter 4
Regulus
The summer after Sirius’ second year at Hogwarts had been difficult. The first had gone over well enough, after exchanging letters all through Sirius’ first year, they’d been ready to kick off exactly where they left. They spent the entirety of that summer hanging out with each other just like old times. Hide and seek. Exploding snap. Quidditch drills. Sometimes they’d sneak out to play in the local muggle playground and pass a quaffle between them. And occasionally, they’d even fly their brooms under the cover of darkness.
Regulus had also loved hearing all about his brother's adventures and the mischief he and his friends got up to, especially the trouble he caused with James. He never said a bad word to say against the boy, constantly going on about the kindness and patience James showed him, and how much Regulus would adore him. Regulus ate up every word and had soon been completely enamoured with the idea of James Potter.
That first summer hadn’t been perfect, but their lives had always been imperfect. Between the fun, were fights and yelling, punishments and attacks, but that was normal and how life had always been. But apparently a year away from it all had made Sirius more inclined to lean into the quarrels, especially toward the end of summer. He’d start fights defending everything muggle, push back on their use of dark arts and refused to follow any etiquette rules.
Regulus knew that their parents were a little old fashioned, but he could never figure out why he didn’t just hold his tongue to avoid punishment. That didn’t stop him from taking care of his older brother when he got hurt though, and helping heal his injuries. They looked after each other, and Sirius always made sure that his actions didn’t put Regulus in danger.
Or so he’d thought.
The moment Sirius left for his second year, Regulus had been put under lock and key. Forced to follow even stricter rules or suffer even harsher punishments. Apparently they didn’t need a second screw up of a son and decided that this was the way to make sure it didn’t happen. He wasn’t allowed to associate with any other children his age, even pureblooded ones lest he pick up their bad habits. His broom was taken. His cards were taken. Even the approved list of books and music had shrunk.
To make matters worse, he had been forbidden from writing to Sirius or even reading his letters. The owl was charmed to ignore his commands, and mail was automatically redirected to Walburga regardless of its addressee. There had been lots of letters in the first few weeks, usually everyday, but after a while there were fewer. Every second day, once a week, once a fortnight, once a month. Then none at all. He hadn’t even been able to wish Sirius a happy birthday when the day came.
It was no surprise that when the next summer rolled around, the brothers' relationship wasn’t what it used to be. Regulus had grown more uptight while Sirius had loosened even more. Sirius rebelled further, while Regulus accepted his place. It didn’t help that Walburga had cursed his mouth shut about telling Sirius why he never wrote. Despite his excitement to see his brother, it was different. Regulus didn’t want to sneak out. Didn’t want to play childish games. Well, he had wanted too, but after the year he’d had, he just couldn’t find the will to test his luck.
Sirius had always struggled with sitting still and keeping quiet, he needed to move around and needed excitement. Regulus had wanted to spend time with his brother, really he did, but he didn’t know how. He asked Sirius to read with him, play chess with him, draw with him. They did at first, and Sirius tried to make it work but he’d get distracted. Talk into his mirror and miss his turn. Start planning future pranks. Remember suddenly he had to write to James. Talk into his mirror. Play loud muggle music. Talk into his mirror. Sneak out. It didn’t help that by midday, most days Sirius was already locked inside his room.
Whereas before he’d loved hearing about Sirius' friends and his Hogwarts adventures, Regulus was filled with a sickening dread every time the name James came up. He felt replaced. He felt forgotten. A year ago he’d thought the boy sounded incredible but now when he looked in the mirror, he just saw every way he wasn’t the type of person Sirius wanted. Regulus had spent the whole year dreaming about all the things they were going to do together, just like they’d done before he left, but when the time finally came, it did not go how he’d hoped.
He knew he shouldn’t have. In hindsight, it was a mistake. But after an hour of listening to Sirius go on and on and on about the blood brilliant James Potter, while he pestered Regulus to sneak out with him to go to a muggle music store, he couldn't help himself. They’d gone to lunch and Sirius made a comment about how much better the Hogwarts food tasted. That had been enough. It escalated quickly and before long Sirius and Orion were in an argument and Walburga had her wand drawn.
Regulus slipped out of the dining room and ran up the stairs, straight to Sirius’ room.
He hadn’t been in there that summer yet and was immediately struck by how red and messy it was. Clothes were scattered all over the floor, strewn about on his bed and piled up on his desk. Banners and band posters were stuck to every wall, with Gryffindor red and gold coating everything.
He didn’t know how much time he’d have so he got to work quickly, trying as best he could to keep everything in place so Sirius wouldn’t know he’d been there. Under his bed. In his wardrobe. Behind the wardrobe. In his drawers. Beside his drawers. In his trunk. He looked everywhere, but it was nowhere. His heart raced as he started to look more frantically, starting to get more careless in making a mess. He even started checking the pockets of Sirius clothes.
He’d cleared off every item of clothing on the desk and decided to check its underside for some sort of hidden compartment, hoping it wasn’t magically sealed. Regulus crawled beneath it and began running his hands along the wooden seams, checking for an irregularity, when he’d shifted back a little far, knocking himself off balance, tumbling down. He put his hand out to try to stabilise himself but to his surprise the floorboard he hit made a loud echoing noise. Moving quickly, aware of how much time had passed, he picked at the edge of the wood and it lifted, revealing a small alcove stacked with letters, records, a few books and... success. His mirror.
Regulus didn’t hesitate to grab it. He put the wood back in place and crawled out from under the desk, dumping all the clothes back on top of it. His brother was a disaster with losing things so he figured if he didn’t make it obvious he’d been in there Sirius would just assume that’s what had happened. He opened the door and carefully began to shut it without making too much noise.
“Reg...?”
Oh no.
It was Sirius.
Quickly he spun around to face his brother, both hands behind his back hiding the mirror. When he saw the state his brother was in, he had to suppress a gasp. He was limping, and bruises were already starting to appear around his neck. Blood was smeared all over his shirt, and the bottoms of his trousers were stained red.
Regulus opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He hadn’t planned for this. Usually he was too hurt to get up the stairs.
“What are you holding?” Sirius questioned.
“I was... I just... I thought that...”
“What are you trying to steal?”
“No Sirius I just-”
Sirius reached around his back, but Regulus dodged. He ducked and pushed forward, careful to keep the mirror out of sight, but Sirius grabbed his robes and pulled him back. Regulus let out a gasp of surprise and struggled against his brothers grip which was now tightly around his wrist.
I’m sorry, he thought to himself as he kicked he foot back, straight into the side Sirius’ left calf. Sirius cried out and that leg collapsed, but he didn’t let go and dove forward, pushing off his right leg. Regulus spun around to face him, and Sirius got a hold of his other arm as he tried to keep the mirror behind his back. Despite the fight with his parents, Sirius was still stronger and easily overpowered Regulus, revealing his right hand tightly clutching the mirror.
“What are you doing with that?” Sirius spat, his brows pushing together, his mouth hanging open in surprise.
“I... I...” Regulus faltered.
Sirius dropped his left wrist and reached for the mirror, but Regulus used his chance to spin and push Sirius back with his now free hand. Sirius stumbled back, but with his hand still gripping Regulus’ arm, he was pulled back too and-
CRACK
“NO!” Sirius shouted, immediately releasing Regulus and diving for the object now in pieces on the floor.
Regulus fell to the floor and looked in horror at the thick shards of glass all over the floor, as Sirius scrambled to pick them up, cutting his already blood stained hands as he tried.
That wasn’t supposed to happen. He had never meant to break it. He just wanted to hide it for a while so his brother would spend more time with him. He hadn’t meant to break it. Maybe they could fix it? Surely they could figure out a way to fix it?
“Why would you do that!?” Sirius questioned, his face taut with anger.
Regulus didn’t know what to say.
“Regulus!? Why would you...” he trailed off as he looked at Regulus like he didn’t know who he was.
I’m sorry...
“Did they put you up to this!? You promised not to tell them about the mirror... I trusted you...”
“They didn’t I just... I thought... I just wanted...” Regulus tried, but he couldn’t get the words out.
“So you just did this to what? Mess with me? Cut me off from my friends? Mother and father read all my mail, this is my only... this is the only thing I have to keep me sane. Why would you do this!?”
Sirius didn’t yell. He never yelled, but Regulus could hear his disappointment loud and clear. The anger. The pain. And he couldn’t blame him. Sirius had every right to be mad. Regulus had intended exactly that...
“Leave me alone Regulus”
“But I can-”
“I said. Leave”
So Regulus left.
He never did find out if the mirror got repaired, but after a week of Sirius getting caught sneaking out and sending secret letters, his mood improved and Sirius acted like the incident never happened. Regulus had no way of knowing how much he’d truly broken that day.
---
Sirius walked in front of him, leading him down the stairs toward the kitchen, behind Regulus Remus followed closely as if waiting for Regulus to try to make a break for the exit.
Normally he would have been annoyed, but he was distracted by the state of the house he was walking through. He’d never seen it this way before and the foreignness of it all made the bad feeling in his stomach worse. He tried to keep his breathing under control.
It’ll be over soon. Then I can go back to school and pretend this never happened.
Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust. The walls were tinged brown and the whole place smelled musty and stale. His mother would throw a fit if she saw this. She’d have Kreatures head. How had it gotten like this in so little time?
Many of the portraits were missing too, all the ones depicting relatives specifically were nowhere to be seen. The display cases were empty. The shelves were empty. Everything was empty... He was used to that, especially after returning from Hogwarts every break, but this was empty on an entirely new level.
As the three of them walked down the stairs, he noticed how much they creaked and groaned under their weight. He noticed that he could actually hear the muggle street outside. He noticed how Remus and Sirius seemed to be trying very hard to breathe steadily.
Regulus couldn’t take it anymore and decided the best place to look was at his feet. Remus had shrunk his robes to fit better at least, so he wasn’t in danger of tripping again, but the differences were making him nervous. He hated changes.
Relax. Everything's fine.
He hated how easily he worried about things. Probably another reason why he welcomed Pandora into his life so readily. She had this aura of soft calm that he couldn’t match. He was reserved, but not calm. He was quiet on the outside but on the inside never had a moment of peace. Her presence soothed his busy thoughts in a way that he was never able to alone. He wished she were here right now.
When they entered the kitchen Remus gestured for him to take a seat at a small round table in the middle of the room. Regulus had never seen that table in his life, nor the chairs around it, but he obliged, watching as Sirius stared at him from beside Remus at the counter.
“Are you hungry Reg? Tea?” Remus asked as he opened a cupboard and pulled out two mugs and set about boiling a kettle.
“Er-” He wanted to say no, but now food had been mentioned, he was suddenly very aware of how hungry he was. But his stomach was churning and he didn’t feel like food would help.
“Tea, thank you”
Remus smiled and grabbed another mug.
Regulus caught sight of Sirius frowning and turned his gaze back to the floor.
This was wrong. This was really, really wrong. Something was going on and it didn’t feel like a joke. What was wrong with his house? Where were his mum and dad? Why was his brother so old?
Regulus was spiralling. He could feel himself spinning out of control as his mind raced in a frenzy trying to draw conclusions that were out of reach. Why was this happening? But he kept himself still. He did not break. He was a Black. He was Regulus. He wasn’t allowed.
“... you hear me? Reg?”
He looked up to see Sirius holding out a steaming mug. His hand was shaking a little and he looked nervous.
“Sorry,” he muttered, taking the mug.
“S’alright”
Sirius stepped back and took a seat opposite him, next to Remus. He held his own mug tightly between his hands, so tightly Regulus wondered briefly if it would shatter. It bothered him. His brother never got like this. His brother never got nervous.
Remus must have noticed Sirius’ silent panicking and reached over, gently placing his hand on top of Sirius’. This visibly calmed Sirius, who’s shoulders slumped slightly and he let out a small sigh, before letting his hand into Remus’ and holding tightly. He looked at Remus, who nodded toward Regulus, and Sirius redirected his attention at him.
“Regulus...” he started, “this is gonna be really hard but we have to tell you something...”
Regulus’ heart fluttered.
“We don’t really know what’s going on ourselves but...” Sirius paused, his face was getting paler. He looked at Remus who seemed to understand.
“Regulus you... Well what we mean to say is that...”
Remus took a deep breath.
“It’s 1995”
Regulus made eye contact with Sirius as his brother started to speak in a tone so quiet, so pained...
“And Reg you... you died in... in 1979”
What?
Regulus’ face went slack as his mind, for the first time in years, went completely blank.
“That’s not funny.” he said, trying to sound confident. It didn’t come out that way. “I mean it Sirius this isn’t funny... stop... just stop messing about and tell me what's going on.”
Deep down Regulus had known his brother was telling the truth. When he’d seen the state of the house, his mind had briefly considered the possibility that Remus and Sirius looked the ages they did, because they were that age. He hadn’t let that thought stay very long, locking it in the impossible box. Because it was a fact, a well-known fact that travelling forward through time was impossible, that’s why divination was so disputed. How could he be him, now? How could he have been in 1976 yesterday and 1995 today, looking and feeling exactly like himself? That wasn’t possible.
He looked at the adults in front of him, expecting them to be on the verge of laughter. About to shout ‘ha we fooled you’. But there was no amusement in their eyes. They just looked... sorry.
“Regulus we aren’t playing a joke-”
“Prove it...” Regulus cut in.
Please don’t prove it. Please don’t prove it. Please just laugh and say this is a joke. Please.
His wish was in vain.
Remus nodded. Putting down his tea, and pulling out his wand.
“Tempus etdiem”
No...
XVII VI MCMXCV
The golden letters glowed in the silent space above the table. It was right and Regulus couldn’t contest it... He’d have tried if Lupin cast it silently but... he hadn’t. This was real. It was 1995. It was the 17th of June in 1995.
He was nearly two full decades in the future...
It was happening and he couldn't control it this time. The overwhelming wave of panic crashing over him.
I can’t breathe
His chest tightened and his throat closed up. His hands began to tremble and all the blood drained out of face, out of his whole body. How did this happen? This wasn’t possible? He had to have misunderstood. But the look in his brother's eyes confirmed it was. He wants to ask questions, to seek clarification but he couldn’t move his mouth. Couldn’t coordinate his breaths enough to get anything out.
The letters were fading, but so was the rest of the kitchen, blurring into a nightmarish haze he couldn’t make sense of. Regulus knew he was shaking, but he couldn’t feel any part of moving. His was frozen in his mind. A salve as his body shut down against his will.
He closed his eyes, seeking refuge from the chaos, but the darkness was just as bad. Worse. His mind ran with the implications as worry and panic took over. Where were his friends? Where were his mum and dad? What had happened in the time that had passed?
Relax Regulus, relax come on, relax, relax, RELAX
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t relax. He couldn’t calm down. He’d been on the verge of panic for hours and his body had had enough.
Somewhere in the distance he could hear shouting. Someone was calling his name, but it was no good.
Please stop. Please stop. Please stop.
He felt sick, like he might throw up and never be able to stop. What if this never stopped? What if could never get himself under control again?
His head felt so light, everything felt light. It was all fuzzy like nothing was real.
Please stop, please go away, let me back down, please stop this
He begged and begged his body to let him come back to reality. He wanted to come down. He needed to come down. What he never could? He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t be like this forever.
Stop, stop, stop, please stop, I’m sorry, please I’m sorry please just stop
Everything was collapsing around him. It was all too much. The air was so thin, no matter how hard he tried to suck in air, he couldn’t catch his breath. What if he never could?
Every thought made it worse, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about them. He had lost control, he was lost, he was done, he was going to die. Regulus felt like he was dying.
Someone was grabbing his arms. He tried to fight it off. He wanted them to let go. They had to let go. The touch burned. It hurt. Didn’t they know they were hurting him?
Please stop. Please help me. Let me out. Please let me go.
---
Sirius
Azkaban had not been kind to Sirius. That was of course the point, but it didn’t make it any better. Against all odds he’d managed to remain sane, but he’d suffered. Everyday he relieved his time at Grimmauld place, unable to escape it, unable to find any reprieve. He wanted to escape, but he couldn’t find it within him to do so. That place took away all sense of hope and no matter how much he wanted to go find Remus, he couldn’t help but feel that Moony would turn him away. Not believe him. Hate him.
Growing up at Grimmauld place had been the perfect preparation for torture. He had so many horrible memories of that place, but none more so than the last day he was there. The night he ran away. The night he couldn’t take it anymore and finally let his best friend save him.
In all his years at Hogwarts his parents had only requested his presence at Christmas once before, in his third year. Regulus was going home and they had made the decision that he would accompany his brother on the train. That Christmas had been awful, but not as bad as the next time he was invited home for the holiday.
It started off fine, despite not receiving an explanation for why they wanted him home. Deep down, he wanted to believe that they had called him home because they missed him. That beneath it all, they really did love him and wanted to spend the break with him. He really did.
He always put on a show about how much he hated them and it was true, he hated their beliefs, their prejudices, what they put him and Regulus through, but they were his family. Was it wrong to hope your family would change?
He’d been trying with Regulus lately. Maybe he’d secretly asked Walburga to send the invite?
He sent him letters and watched as Regulus shredded them before ever taking a look inside.
He asked Remus to send the letters on his behalf, only to receive cursed ones in return.
He tried approaching his brother in the halls, but got jinxed before he could ever get close enough to talk.
He’d been watching lately as his brother seemed to get more and more withdrawn. Showing up less and less at meal times. Seeing him less and less with his friends. When Sirius had gone to watch the first quidditch match of the season, secretly looking forward to watching his brother play, he’d been shocked to learn Regulus had pulled out of the match, apparently due to illness. That only worried him more. Regulus was more stubborn than him, only being forcibly stuck in the hospital wing should have stopped him. And he hadn’t been there in months (he checked).
Their relationship had been rocky for the last few years, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care. Maybe he was weak for it, but no matter how much his family hurt him, Sirius always tried to forgive them. He tried to make it work. Regulus had definitely made it hard for him at times, but he would never give up on him.
So when the invitation had come, he tried to see it as an opportunity. He would finally have a chance to speak with Regulus, really speak to him like a brother should.
Unfortunately it seemed Regulus was able to avoid him. Locking himself in his room, only coming out for meals. He’d occasionally settle himself in the library but the moment Sirius tried to come in, he’d leave and get Kreature to bring him books. He hadn’t realised how much they’d drifted apart until he tried bringing them back together.
December 25th had changed everything for him.
Throughout the day, guests arrived and settled into the spare rooms. He dressed in his best robes and greeted everyone that walked through the door. His aunt Druella and uncle Cygnus. Bellatrix and Rodolphus. Narcissa and Lucius. Lucretia and Ignatius. Grandfather Pollux. Arcturus. The Rosiers also showed up, along with the Notts, and the Carrows.
Regulus had been excused when the Rosier twins arrived and they were allowed to mingle in the library. Christmas was the only time he was allowed company inside the house.
Sirius had retired to his bedroom just before dinner, hoping to mirror James and let him know that all was going well, but before he’d had the chance Regulus had knocked on his door.
“Sirius?”
His stomach flipped. Regulus was talking to him. He was finally talking to him. This was perfect and-
“You’re wanted in the study immediately”
That killed his excitement.
“Yes of course just a moment-”
“Immediately! Sirius.”
He obliged. More quickly than he normally would have. They were using Regulus as a messenger and if he didn’t do as he was asked, Regulus would share his punishment. That’s probably why they enjoyed using this method. They knew he couldn’t stand the thought of Regulus being hurt.
Bastards
Sirius listened as Regulus’ footsteps retreated back down the hall to the study and he followed.
As he pushed open the door, he took note of who was there. His mother sat behind the desk, his father stood behind her. Regulus off to the side staring forward blankly. As he entered, the door was closed behind him, and he realised Bellatrix was there too.
“Mother. Father.”
“It’s no secret you have been a disappointment Sirius” his mother said darkly.
He knew better than to react.
“However...” she started, a mad glint in her eye “we have been given an... opportunity”
Bellatrix cackled and his fathers lips turned upwards.
“You are to take the Dark Mark Sirius... tonight”
“NO!” he shouted instantly. They couldn’t make him do that. He would never do that. He braced himself as his heart began to race. He clenched his fists.
“You will take it tonight and you will do everything he asks of you” Walburga said sharply, her voice full of venom.
Sirius stormed forward, raising his hand and pointing it into his mothers face, as his face got hotter and his breathing increased.
“I will NEVER take it, you hear me? I will NOT TAKE IT!” He screamed.
They wanted him to get that mark? That disgusting mark branded on his skin? They wanted him to be a slave for a cause that murdered and tortured innocent people? He would never do that. How could they possibly think he would take it willingly? He would rather die than be that person. He would rather die than be someone who did those things.
He didn’t have time to react, before he was on the ground writhing in pain. He screamed. Merlin knows he screamed. It burned and burned and never let up. He felt like his skin was being peeled back from his flesh layer by layer. Like his bones were shattering over and over, the tiny pieces being ripped out of his body through his skin one by one.
He always thought he’d get used to this pain but he never did. You can never get used to pain like this.
He wanted to fight back, but all he could do was scream as pain shot through his body.
Then it stopped.
“You will take the mark”
“Never” he choked out, trying to catch his breath.
“Cruicio”
He wailed as the spell struck him again. As the fire infested every fibre of his body and burned like the sun itself.
“Take the mark Sirius”
“Not in this-”
He screeched again. They asked again. He refused again.
Again and again and again.
They held him longer and longer each time, until his mind started to twist, and slip as he lost touch with his own reality. The edges of himself eroding away with every second that passed under the spell. But he did not give in. He did not give up. He would never be one of them.
He looked at Regulus. His last hope. His only chance at living through this.
But his brother did nothing. He just watched. He watched and listening and didn’t react to the pain Sirius was being put through, the torture they were inclicing upon him.
“Accept you place”
“Fuck-”
He roared in agony as he was put under the spell again. His mind itself being ripped and torn as his head was split down the middle and crushed into pieces. He could feel himself shutting down. Everything was turning off. He looked at his brother, hoping, begging that he would step in, say something to give him a chance to escape.
No... Reg...
His brother was smiling. His brother was smiling.
He lost all sense of everything in that moment. He’d been fighting so hard, so much but that? Seeing the only person left he thought might care? Smirking as he watched his own brother being tortured toward insanity. His baby brother. The one he taught to fly. The one he had defended. The little boy who cried during storms. His brother... wanted him to die? Wanted him to lose his mind?
Time was gone after that. Everything was gone. It was just the pain. Not even him. Just the curse and everything it brought with it. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t hear. He couldn’t feel where he ended or where he began. He wasn’t even him.
At some point after that, Sirius come back for a brief moment. It was strange and it hurt. It was confusing but all of a sudden he was there. He was somewhere dark. The only light being flames... Flames?
Floo, his mind managed to conjure up even as it started to shut black down. He crawled toward it, even as his mind started to lose itself again. Everything. Nothing. Black. White.
He would never know how, but when he next woke up he was in the arms of Effie Potter, swearing to himself he would never return to that place. He would never suffer at the hands of those people, ever again.