Chapter 5
Sirius
Sirius knew the moment he watched Regulus’ jaw drop, as he read the date, as his eyes went glossy, that this moment would haunt him for the rest of his life.
He’d seen Regulus break down like this a few times before and it’d been horrible then, but watching as an adult? So much worse. He was just a kid. A kid who’d just had his entire world flipped upside down, who was just trying to wrap his head around what was going on. It was horrible to watch and he didn’t have a clue how to help.
“Reg?” He said, hoping the call of his name might stop the spiral. “Regulus? Reg it’s ok.”
But was it? Was this ok? They had no idea how he’d gotten here, no idea what would happen if he stayed. All he knew was that he had to try help him.
He stood, pushing his chair back and rushing to his brothers side, grabbing his arms, trying to stop him from shaking.
“Regulus calm down, it’s ok, it’s me” he tried, but the boy didn’t react.
He was trembling, his whole body shaking. His breathing was way too fast, way too shallow. He was mumbling but Sirius couldn’t make out any of the words.
“Regulus? Reg come on, it’s-”
The boy went slack, slumping forward into Sirius’ arms.
And Sirius lost it.
He sobbed. He cried and cried. Letting out years of tears he’d been holding back. Years of pain he said he would never let go of again. He was so worn thin. He was so tired. So confused. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t just stand there and watch his brother suffer. He had to make it stop, he had to save him. That was his job. He failed the first time; he couldn’t fail again.
But as he looked down at the little boy in his arms, he cried out again. He was already failing again. Last night he’d done nothing but scare him, left him alone and passed out drunk. Now he’d just watched helplessly as he panicked so much, he passed out. Why couldn’t he get this right? What was wrong with him?
He felt a hand rest on his shoulder, and behind his tears he could see Remus looking at him.
“Sirius, it’s going to be ok. Reg will be ok.”
“How is any of this going to be ok?” He looked back at the boy in his arms. “Remus his last memory is... he’s gotta hate me Moons...”
Remus squeezed his shoulder. “We’ll figure this out, Pads. I promise”
Sirius looked up at Remus, at the man he’d been through so much with. The man who wrote the book on forgiveness, and tried to let himself believe that it would be.
“Come on Sirius, let’s put him in the living room to rest”
So that's what they did, Sirius picking Regulus up and carrying him to the living room. Remus transfigured one of the lounges longer, and Sirius set him down as comfortably as possible. Sirius pulled up a chair beside him and Remus sat with him. Together they waited.
Sometimes Sirius would hold his brother's hand. Sometimes he’d cry into Remus' shoulder. But he didn’t leave. He couldn’t.
“He watched them do it, you know”
“You told us”
“I was so angry, I was so upset”
“I know”
“I just wanted him to know what it felt like”
“I remember”
“I regretted it for so long. I still regret it all so much, Moons.”
Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius and pulled him into his chest.
“I know you do, but we can’t change it now”
“But I didn’t mean it, he doesn’t know I didn’t mean it, Moons. He didn’t believe me last time, why would he believe me now...”
Remus didn’t reply and Sirius began to cry again. Because he really hadn’t mean it. He really hadn’t meant for Regulus to end up in the water. He’d been such an arrogant fool.
“Well he’s no brother of mine right? Why would I care?”
Sirius saw red. He was just like them. He’d spent so long trying to look out for him and here he was, just another Black. How had it taken him so long to see it? He was such an idiot. He’d gone home at Christmas for Regulus and it had ended with him on the floor, surrounded by those people trying to break him.
He hadn’t even reacted when Sirius had said he wasn’t his brother. Nothing. No flicker of upset, not even an intake of breath. He had wanted to see it, just see any sign that his brother was still in there. Nope. Just a carbon copy of the rest of his ancestors. Emotionless, cold, and cruel. He’s no brother of mine right? Why would I care?
Why would I care. Why would I care.
He threw it back. Straight back in his face, confirming everything Sirius had thought. His brother was gone.
Fine then. If he wanted to make an enemy out of his brother, he would be one. He'd teach him a lesson and show him just who he was messing with. There was a spell he’d been practising for weeks, a modified-boggart jinx. This was the perfect way to test it out.
It was pretty useless in battles but when they covered it while revising for their defence OWLs, Sirius had thought of a much better use for it. The spell was sort of like a mix between a patronus and a boggart. It found the subject's greatest fear and projected it in a silvery mist. Not exactly great for defending yourself against enemies, but it was good for collecting information. Auror’s were trained to resist its effects, otherwise it was an easy way to figure out the best way to get into someone's head.
Sirius had thought it was a great idea, but even he wasn’t nasty enough to go around using it. Besides, what if someone figured it out and decided to turn it against him? Or even worse, Remus... He’d never forgive himself. But he liked the concept and worked with the other marauders to modify it.
When they were done with the alterations, rather than projecting the subject's worst fear, it showed their most embarrassing memory.
Sirius knew just how much Regulus cared about his reputation. How much all the stinking Blacks cared about looking perfect. Well this was the perfect opportunity. He grinned.
He knew he had to be careful, he had to focus hard on making sure the levicorpus charm held, while he cast the jinx otherwise Reg would end up in the water. But he was certain he could do it.
“Maximoir impeditis” he said, his wand straight at Regulus.
For a moment it worked, Regulus held and mist started to cloud around him and...
Shit
He hadn’t thought that part through. The moment he started losing sight of Regulus, obscured by the mist, Regulus began to fall.
Immediately Sirius cut off the spell. Pulling back the mist, preparing himself to recast the levicorpus, but before he was able to get a clear shot, Regulus was already beneath the surface.
“Sirius what the hell?” James hissed.
“I thought you said he can’t swim?” Peter said.
Sirius swallowed and began kicking off his shoes. “He can’t...”
Before anyone had a chance to react Sirius was tossing off his robe.
“James get me out there, now”
Luckily, he and James were (almost) always on the same wavelength and understood immediately.
“Flipendo!”
There was a loud bang and Sirius was flying out into the lake like he’d been kicked. He made it almost the full way to where Regulus had gone under, landing with a huge splash.
The first thing Sirius noticed was how cold the water was. It stung painfully against his exposed skin. He shivered and could already feel the fatigue setting in, the cold sapping his strength. He had to move fast.
Every stoke was a battle against the biting cold, his limbs felt heavy as if being pulled down by the giant squid itself. With every moment, the cold seemed to seep deeper into his bones, but he’d had worse. He pushed on, fighting against the cold, fighting against time. He’d held Regulus up long enough already to feel faint, the shock of the water and panic from being under it, he wasn’t sure how long he had.
He reached the spot and dove.
The icy depths seemed endless, and the darkness enveloped them, making it difficult to see. The cold, like a vice, tightened its grip with each passing second.
His muscles protested, and the pressure pounded against his head, but Sirius kept going deeper.
There, Sirius thought as he finally approached a figure floating slowly downwards. He wasn’t moving. He reached out with both hands and Regulus wrists, pulling him up. He was heavy, weighed down by his robes, but Sirius reached deep and swam up to the surface...
They’d taken him to Poppy and the medi-witch was able to quickly get him stable, giving him a sleeping draught to make sure he rested while he healed. The marauders were sent to McGonagall's office and were subject to a very long lecture about the stupidity of their actions. Sirius tried to take the fall, but James insisted they’d all contributed, and they each got 50 points taken away and 3 weeks of detention with Filch.
Sirius thought they got off way too easy.
“Moony... what are we going to do with him?”
Sirius looked up at Remus, who sighed and tore his gaze away from the sleeping form of Regulus.
“I think that we’ll have to tell Dumbledore eventually but... how about we just try get him comfortable for now yeh? Tonks and Kingsley won’t be visiting for at least another 2 weeks. The Weasley’s aren't due to arrive until mid July and Harry won’t be arriving until August. I’m sure that we can get him accustomed before then.”
Sirius nodded against Remus' chest.
“I’m sure you’re right but... he’s supposed to be dead, Remus. He died 16 years ago, as a death eater in service to Voldemort. What if this is a trick? What if they’re somehow using him too-”
“We don’t know that yet, Pads, and we won’t know until we can really talk to him. All we can do is wait”
Sirius groaned. “I’m sick of waiting, it’s all I’ve done for the last 14 years. And besides... What if he really is the same kid? If he's anything like the kid I remember, how can we trust him here? He sided with them, Moons. I care about him, I never stopped caring but... what if I can’t save him this time?”
Remus placed one hand on Sirius cheek. “You have me this time, Pads. You aren’t a child anymore yourself, and he can’t be manipulated by Walburga or Orion anymore.”
Remus leaned forward, pressing his lips against Sirius’ in a soft kiss. “It’s gonna be ok.”
Sirius leaned into the kiss, and finally let himself relax.
---
It took several more hours before Sirius was willing to leave Regulus alone. He’d been drifting in and out of a restless sleep most of the day and although all the diagnostic spells had come back clear, he couldn’t shake the the sick feeling in his stomach. By the time mid-afternoon rolled around, Sirius was too restless to sit anymore and finally asked Remus to watch Regulus while he took a shower.
“I’ll be just a minute”
“I’ll yell out if he starts stirring”
When Sirius reached the bathroom, he locked the door behind him with every intention of undressing and washing as quickly as possible. He spelled the water and as he pulled off his shirt, looked into the mirror. Everyone used to tease him about his vanity problem. Always checking his hair. Always checking his clothes. Sirius had laughed along with them, took the term, and ran with it. Vain, confident, and proud, Sirius Black. That was him.
He wasn’t the type of person to worry about what people thought of him. He was not the sort to change himself to fit in. He was who he was, and he was proud of it. That’s what he told everyone. That’s what he told himself.
He’d never admit to the hours he spent worrying he was growing into his parents. Never admit that when he looked in the mirror, he was checking to make sure the face there was still his. He reasoned that if he checked often enough, he would catch the moment his face shifted and figure out a way to reverse it. A way to hide it.
The first time he looked in the mirror had proven that theory wrong. If anything, it made him realise how much he really did match his family. His gaunt, sunken face that looked very bit like his father it made him sick. The sharp, angry look in his eyes that reminded him too much of his mother. The only reason he’d been certain he wasn’t looking at one of them was his how sick he’d looked. So thin, covered in years of dirt with yellowing teeth and matted hair. His mother and father had never looked so imperfect.
Even now, he found himself falling into those old habits. Checking his eyes, his hair, his jaw. Make sure his smile was still warm, not cruel. Make sure he still projected confidence but not spite. But it was much less often these days, not because he was unbothered by the similarities, but because he struggled to find the differences.
It had only gotten harder the older he got. As his temper got shorter and he made a habit of reaching for liquor. As he cursed the with familiar phrases and always wanted to get one up on his rivals. He tried so hard to break the patterns but sooner or later he’d screw up and feel like he was back at square one.
Sirius turned his back to the mirror.
You aren’t one of them, James had always told him.
But he struggled to believe it these days. He was an adult now, and looking back? He had always had a nasty temper and appetite for revenge. Just because he hadn’t been a bigot didn’t mean he’d always been a good person.
Sirius finished undressing and hopped under the running water, releasing a sigh of relief as the events of today washed away. He’d missed showering so much in Azkaban, and yet he often found himself forgetting to take them if Moony didn’t remind him. It would be almost comical if the circumstances were different given how much he’d always hogged the showers in Gryffindor tower back in the day.
Running his fingers through his hair, he massaged shampoo and the conditioner into his scalp. Enjoying the tingling sensation of the water droplets hitting his skin, finding comfort in the warmth. Showering had been the only true peace Sirius had a reliable source of in this house growing up. Perhaps it was some subconscious way of punishing himself for living when everyone else, everyone more deserving, had died. Funny how something you once looked forward to so much could become something you avoided.
Before rinsing out the conditioner he grabbed a comb and quickly ran it through his hair, untangling the knots until it was like running it through thin air. Humming the tune of Starman as he went.
Merlin it was so much easier back then
He paused.
Had it been?
He often liked to reminisce over the old days, but he thought about Regulus. He thought about the time he was from and the state he was in. Had life really been better back then or had so long passed that he didn’t remember it properly? He had no idea.
Shoving that thought aside, he finished up in the shower. He turned off the water and dried himself, wrapping a towel around his waist. This was something he was glad he could do these days. He was ashamed of the scars that had covered his body growing up, but after he and Remus came together and he had to convince his partner that there were nothing wrong with his, he was freed from his own. He’d made quite a habit of casting glamours on himself before his many rendezvous at Hogwarts.
Walking back to his room, he dressed in essentially the same thing as this before. Casting a drying charm on his hair, he walked back downstairs feeling much lighter than before. Remus knew him better than himself.
Maybe I’ll make him some tea as a than-
“Sirius?” Remus voiced echoed from the living room. “I think he’s waking up”
Sirius completely abandoned his plan and bolted down the hall.
He entered the room just in time too see his brothers face all screwed up and rubbing his eyes. He run his hands back through his hair and started stretching as he regained consciousness. Sirius had always though he was like a cat. Ironic really, with his own Animagus being a dog.
He looked so innocent in this state. Swallowed by the lounge and blanket, his expression free of concern as he just allowed himself to exist in the moment.
Sirius hung back in the doorway, suddenly overwhelmed by what was about to happen. He stumbled through everything he’d considered saying. Nothing felt quite right but he didn’t have time to ponder further.
Regulus’ eyes were blinking open and his head was tilted, his eyes darting around the room in confusion until he landed on Sirius and he dropped his gaze back down.
“Oh…” he muttered, dropping his hands into his lap and twirling them around each other.
Remus chimed up.
“How are you feeling?”
Regulus didn’t look up, his hands twisting and tapping a little faster now.
“Fine.” He said.
“Do you remember what we were talking about?” Remus asked calmly.
Regulus looked away and folded his arms across his chest, still tapping away quickly as his shoulders moved noticeably up and down.
“Yes.”
“Would you like to talk about-“
“No.”
Remus sighed and turned to Sirius, nodding his head toward Regulus.
Sirius took a deep breath. “How did you sleep?” That was a good question, right?
“Fine.”
Apparently not.
“Have any good dreams?”
Regulus huffed but didn’t say anything.
Come on Reg
Sirius knew he was going to be difficult to talk to. He was private and hated talking about anything that resembled feelings. Sirius was like that too, except where he made a song and dance about being happy, Regulus pretended he just wasn’t capable of any emotion at all.
How do I get in…
If it were him, he’d probably want to have his mind taken off things first. He thought back to things Regulus liked doing. They both liked flying? But they couldn’t do that in the middle of muggle London or with Sirius’ current status as a wanted mass murderer. Hide and seek? Probably a little old for that, and besides Regulus would just make sure he didn’t get found.
He knew Reg liked reading, but they had very different tastes in literature, and it wasn’t exactly the most conversational activity. Then it came too him.
“Want to have a round of chess?”
Regulus turned his head toward Sirius. He stopped tapping and Sirius saw something spark up behind his eyes. His mouth opened slightly, like he wanted to say yes. He quickly slammed it shut and furrowed his brows.
“No.” He said as he tapped his fingers again.
Sirius groaned internally. That was his final drawcard. What else could he offer up? But to his surprise, Remus jumped in.
“You know I’ve never had anyone beat me before”
Sirius supressed a snort. That was the biggest lie he had ever heard. Remus was terrible at chess. The only person that ever lost to him was Marlene and Sirius was pretty sure that was only when they played in the library within eyeshot of Dorcas Meadows. Not to mention, his abysmal losing streak meant that Remus hated being forced to play. But he had to admit, going after Regulus’ competitive streak? Genius.
And it seemed to have the desired effect.
Regulus’ eyes lit up again at the idea of a challenge and for a moment Sirius could almost see the hint of a small. But it was gone as fast as it had appeared, his face cold and composed once more as he raised an eyebrow.
“If I agree to this, will you both stop asking me stupid questions?”
Yes Moony
“I can’t promise Sirius won’t” No Moony “But I’ll try keep him in check”
“Fine.”
Alright maybe he could forgive Remus for that. It was only chess, but this was probably their best chance. Now he just had to make sure Regulus didn’t beat them in the first 10 moves. Which wasn’t going to be easy…
Remus immediately transfigured the arm of the lounge into a more suitable space for a chess board. He stopped for a second, probably realising he had no idea if there were any chess sets in the house but recovered quickly and summoned one as if nothing as afoot. Luckily, an old wooden box set shot out from the bookcase and started assembling itself.
Regulus raised an eyebrow condescendingly. Sirius could almost hear him commenting on the very unused state of the set.
Remus grimaced and made the first move.
“Pawn to E4”
“Pawn to C5” Replied Regulus without hesitation. This was gonna be massacre.
“Err… Knight to C4.”
Nothing happened and Regulus groaned, “You can’t move that piece there”
“Yes I can.” Remus replied manually moving to piece he was referring to, which… Sirius laughed and Regulus put his head in his hands mumbling something about being stuck in a house with idiots.
Sirius chose that moment to take a seat beside Remus, putting a hand on his leg.
“That’s the bishop, Moons” he said, trying as hard as he could (and failing) to keep a straight face.
“Oh... um well…”
“Sirius” Regulus piped up, “Please take over”
Sirius grinned and Remus let out a sigh of relief.
It still only took a few minutes for Regulus to have captured Sirius queen, a pawn, the bishop Remus moved and his knight.
“Knight to C3?”
Regulus grinned.
“You two suck at this. Queen to F2. Checkmate.”
Sirius wanted to be annoyed, but he couldn’t help the surge of pride he felt when Regulus smiled as he won.
“I was going easy on you. Round 2?”
Regulus rolled his eyes, but the slight grin stayed on his face.
“If you insist.”
The couple of hours continued exactly like that. Regulus winning very quickly and Sirius claiming that he was letting him win, despite the fact he very clearly wasn’t and got miffed every time Regulus thwarted his game plan. Remus left early on the grab himself a tea and book, offering to grab Sirius and Regulus something too. Sirius requested a late afternoon coffee. Apparently, that was a bad idea and made him tea instead, bringing back a tray of biscuits to go with it. Regulus declined but Remus grabbed him a glass of water anyway.
“Just in case”
They ended up playing until it was almost 8pm. Remus chiming in his two-sickles every now and then, which almost always resulted in Sirius losing a piece.
“Pawn to B4.”
“I almost want to believe you are losing on purpose because this is embarrassing. Queen to D3.”
Sirius was about to request another game when he noticed Regulus’ yawning. Apparently his nap hadn’t quite made up for the sleep he’d missed the night before, his eyelids looking very heavy He had one elbow on the desk surface, leaning into his hand.
“Hmmm I think you might be right. How about we have some dinner and call it a night? Remus?”
Remus nodded from the lounge he’d sat down on without looking up from his book. “You can cook thanks”
“Alright looks like I’m cooking. What do you feel like having Reg?”
Regulus shifted, suddenly looking very uncomfortable again.
“I rather like not having food-poisoning”
Sirius gasped, placing his hand over his heart dramatically. “You offend me, Regulus. I happen to be a very good cook thank you. So, what will it be?”
Regulus sat up straight, putting his hands back in his lap and fiddling with his robes.
“I… I’m not really… I’m not hungry…” He answered softly, refusing to meet Sirius eye.
Sirius frowned. As far as he was aware, Reg hadn’t eaten anything today. Sure he had nibbled on a couple of small biscuits, but nothing that constituted a proper meal.
“Come on, you’ve barley eaten anything today. If you’re that worried about my cooking we can get Kreature to prepare you something.”
“I’m fine, I’m just… I’m just not that hungry right now.”
Remus jumped in.
“What about something small? Just a bit of toast?”
Regulus leant back in his chair, crossing his arms, and mumbling something Sirius couldn’t quite make out.
“Fine. I’ll have your stupid toast.”
Great. So much for making progress with him.
“Alright then, toast coming right up. What do you want on it?”
“I don’t care.”
Yep. So much progress.
Sirius decided it was best to hold his tongue and not comment. He went to the kitchen and pulled out a loaf of bread, noting that Remus would have to get some more if there would be three people living here and all two of them ever wanted was toast.
Oh Effie, where did we go wrong with them
He made up Remus’ toast with all the jams he could find, lathering on thick layers of strawberry, apricot, plum and raspberry. The day they started making chocolate spreads would be the end.
Sirius decided to make himself something that actually resembled a meal, adding a little tomato, cheese and ham on a couple of slices and putting it under the grill for a few minutes.
He wasn’t quite sure what to make Regulus. At home they just had whatever was made for them and at Hogwarts he couldn’t really see what his brother was putting on his place from the other side of the great hall. Deciding to split the difference, he spread a layer of strawberry jam on one piece and very generously decided to give him one of his slices of perfection.
He charmed the plates and he walked into the living room to find Regulus in the same place, still looking grumpy and Remus now where Sirius had been sitting. When he saw Sirius come in, he smiled, marking his page and putting the book aside.
“Bon appetite” Sirius said, waving his wand and letting the plates arrange themselves on the table.
“Thanks, Pads ” Remus said, going straight for the piece with strawberry all over it.
Regulus didn’t move, choosing to glare at the plate that had appeared in front of him, apparently still very unhappy about the whole situation.
Sirius ignored it and instead engaged in conversation with Remus. Apparently he was reading a very interesting book written by a muggleborn witch who was known for her retellings of muggle fairy tales. This was one based on Little Red Riding Hood, which was one of very few Sirius happened to be familiar with.
After Lily and James had gotten together, he had wanted to get her something really special for her birthday. He found out from Mary that her sister had stolen their childhood storybooks the previous summer and he roped Sirius into scouring every single muggle bookstore until they found an identical copy.
Sirius had gotten bored and picked up a couple of his own and Little Red Riding Hood had been one of them, so as Remus explained the plot to him, he was able to properly follow along. He wasn’t impressed to learn that the wolf had been changed to a werewolf on what was going to be a full moon night, but Remus brushed it off.
“I’m just saying, it feels a little masochistic, Moony”
Remus chuckled, giving Sirius a friendly shove.
“Big word, Pads. Did Reg teach you that one?”
They both turned to look at Regulus, hoping to get some sort of response out of him. They didn’t, in fact, he still hadn’t moved from his spot on the lounge, still leaning back with his arms crossed, toast untouched.
“Come on Reg, just have a little bit. I’ll even pass you the plate.” Sirius said, doing exactly that.
Regulus, to his credit, didn’t make any protests this time and allowed Sirius to place it on his lap. He did roll his eyes though as he took a bite of the Jam toast. He chewed carefully and swallowed.
“Happy now?” he asked, taking a second bite.
“Very. Now, Remus…” Sirius jumped back into his conversation with Remus. Regulus still didn’t say anything, but seemed to enjoy when Remus said something that insulted his brother’s intelligence.
They ended up calling it a night because everyone was tired and not at all because Sirius was very badly losing the debate. Regulus retreated to his room without saying a word the moment Sirius made the suggestion and the two men made the executive decision to leave the mess for Kreature to clean up.
Having had a shower only a few hours ago, Sirius opted to change straight into his pyjamas, while Remus had a quick rinse. Sliding into the empty bed, Sirius made himself comfortable, pulling the sheets up and relaxing into the soft mattress and closing his eyes. When Remus joined him, Sirius found himself turning over, nestling into his side.
“I’m so luck to have you” he whispered.
“I’m the lucky one” Remus replied, wrapping an arm around Sirus waist and pulling him in.