Prison Break
Dobby was cold.
It’s been one hundred and eight sixty hours.
His Harry Potter dearest has abandoned him. With an ugly brainwashed cobbled up ghoulie.
Dobby is stuck. Dobby cannot escape. Dobby cannot get out.
——
It’s time for a prison break.
Crystal would cry in bafflement if she could see her now.
Or maybe not. Once again, she’s never been very mentally stable.
Here they stand on the outskirts of the water, preparing to swim across the sea. Because clearly there is no better solution than this.
(Harry can’t find any of his house elves.)
Draco stands there in his scuba diving gear, obnoxious flippers and all, each item bought at a local muggle store with his father’s money he stole.
(If his father thought he was a misbehaving little pureblood before, he has something coming to him.)
(Hedwig can’t help but reminisce on Draco’s unique character development.)
Harry and Ron stood there with helmets and an unholy amount of pranking gear from Fred and George. Hermione, having just a small more bit of sense, made sure to stick a waterproofing charm on the backpacks.
(She’s not much better.)
“Guys.”
Harry stands there holding the necklace that Sirius once got him, encouraging him to explore muggle satanism.
(There are no good role models here.)
“We will succeed.”
This causes a chorus of head nods. Each one of them determined to break out Sirius and Dumbledore.
Harry puts his clenched fist forward. The others follow suit, knuckles bumping together. Fawkes sits on top in a show of camaraderie. Hedwig is sitting on a nearby tree branch, waiting to fly.
“Hedwig?”
Fucking idiot. With what hand?
She gives him a look. She doesn’t even have to mentally communicate that.
“You know what I mean!”
No, she does not, considering if she flys over there to land on one of them, she’ll get stuck. Harry has attached a large amount of long streamers to her. And a huge military grade dung bomb ready to be unleashed.
19:34.
Hedwig will be the distraction. A damn good distraction at that.
There’s the potential of her dying a couple of times, but that’s okay. Nothing new there.
With a huff from Harry and a collective noise of encouragement, the humans prepare to jump into the water, gear and all.
Fawkes asks Hedwig if now is a bad time to mention that he could just teleport everyone there.
Hedwig tells Fawkes that it is fine. This will be more funny.
Draco goes first, headfirst with flippers sticking out of the water. He really should have tried it out beforehand. He flops through the water, looking like a failure of a marine robot. Its something a group of kindergarteners with no sense of shape would draw.
Tone it down, aquatic Iron Man.
The trio follows after, attempting to merge with the currents. Thankfully, it’s a relatively calm day.
A little while later, Hedwig looks down at her humans and realizes something.
Shit, Harry can’t swim.
Where is Harry?
No- it’s all good. Fawkes is coming in right behind her with a waterlogged Harry. The rest of the group sees this from below, cursing profanities.
Okay, it was worth it.
Fawkes gathers up the morons and they all fly to Azkaban. It’s not a graceful landing, he essentially tosses them onto the rocky surface from a couple feet up in the air.
A small ‘stink bomb’ in Ron’s pack goes off.
They all crawl away on all fours, dying coughing.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
No one suspects anything. Harry is very ashamed.
(Bloody mold.)
Maybe Harry should get that looked at. From that reaction alone, Hedwig considers that chronic.
They head towards the front of the building. Because Sirius and Dumbledore are two very important figures, high-up Ministry members are here. And part of the Wizengamot, including… Lucius Malfoy.
Security is heightened.
Hedwig’s up.
She creates a small explosion right outside, just enough to bring awareness that something isn’t right. It’s not that hard to lure them out, Azkaban is only so big. When the guards come out, she strikes.
She wraps them up in streamer with the speed only a magical bird can use, flying them through the air as they scream out bloody murder, dangling them in front of the windows. This causes the higher ups to poke their heads out. Unneeded, she tosses the guards into the ocean, where they most likely sank to the bottom.
Target locked in.
9:12.
She flies at them with a bright white light illuminating from her wings. It’s similar to looking at an eclipse. Everyone has to close their eyes.
(Thank you for this trick, Dumbledore.)
No one knew this bird, except for one blonde man. He felt his heart freeze up and stop, a PTSD response beginning.
“Oh no…”
When the light disappeared, they all looked at each other, taken aback and confused. They can’t get rid of it. How did an owl permanently transfigure their noses into clown noses?
They were pelted with over a thousand small toy spiders from Ron’s bottomless bag. The spiders were made to stick and charmed to crawl.
Meanwhile, this gave the quintet all the time they needed to sneak by and up, headed directly for the holding cells.
They ran through the small hallways, ignoring the half-lucid calls of the crazies.
Harry has to kick at a random hand that reached out and grabbed him. With the look of hope in that psychos eyes as he looked up at the Wizarding World’s Saviour, Harry felt like a bad version of Jesus.
He knees him in the face for good measure.
Hey, Harry doesn’t know his crimes.
A stray guard comes up, opening his mouth and about to spew propaganda.
Hermione punches the man, a straight knockout.
“Hermione… what?”
Ron can’t believe his eyes.
“I’m sorry! He looked like Dobby and it was just instinct!”
(Hermione remembers the first time she met Dobby. She argued with Harry over the morality of having a house elf. Dobby took a liking to her and her attempt at his defense.
A little too much of a liking.
Harry told Hermione to buy bear spray, because she will need it. She doesn’t need bear spray to protect herself from a poor little house elf? Dobby is a small… little thing. He probably couldn’t hurt a fly, or even a human.
The idea that anyone would need a weapon to protect themselves from Dobby was laughable.
But wait, what was that sound coming from the corner of the room…? It sounded like… is that Dobby… crawling closer on his hands and feet..? And that dead, soulless look in his eyes!?)
They find Dumbledore first. He is gleeful. Harry is unimpressed.
“Harry! I knew you would live.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Perhaps not.”
Regardless, they break down the bar using underage magic. It couldn’t possibly matter at this point.
“We will be having words about this, old man.”
Harry points his finger into Dumbledore’s chest hard. Dumbledore has no defense, he raises his hands up in surrender. He sees Fawkes.
“Fawkes! You came for me! Even after I tried to cook you for dinner! I still have that recipe book!”
Fawkes just then remembers that he has something to do. He disappears in a whisk of flame, destroying their means of teleporting back.
Harry is becoming even more peeved. He just wants to go home. Oh no, that’s right…
They find Sirius trying to throw himself out through the small crack in the wall.
“Sirius!”
Harry holds his arms open and wide, hoping for a hug from the stinky man. Sirius is still mildly traumatized from this summer, not accepting Harry’s hug.
“Are you here to finish me off…?”
“What- no! That was the voice in my head that tried to do that, silly!”
Sirius is still scared. This comment has not helped. Harry holds out his satan necklace.
“Look, see. It’s me.”
Sirius looks at him old and wearily. “Okay…”
A giant boom resonates throughout the building, parts of the ceiling crumbling down.
“I think Hedwig did something.”
Dumbledore lets out a loud belly laugh, a bit of spit flying out and hitting Sirius, ruining his day even further.
“So, my children, how are we getting out of here?”
Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Draco all look at each other. Maybe Hedwig has a plan?
A cold gust. Oh, so that’s what Sirius was trying to escape from. It wasn’t him!
(It was.)
Harry whips out his wand, performing a perfect patronus. It’s unexpected. It’s baffling. It would make James Potter cry.
Through the air floats a white mist of a big deformed rubber ducky with Severus Snape’s face mushed onto it.
Why.
What does this show about Harry’s mental state?
It wobbled through the air pathetically, as one wing was bigger than the other. Its neck was bent at an unnatural angle, dented and hole-ridden. Snape’s beak was longer than usual and rounded out. Its whole body looked like it was melting.
When Sirius finds another house, he is going to insert a garbage disposal and stick his head in it.
3:33.
That issue out of the way, make their way down and out to where Hedwig should be. Harry has to rub his glasses clean.
“Father…?”
Lucius Malfoy is strung up on top of a massive metal beam in Hedwig’s attempt at a flag, covered in a strange green slime. He cannot believe that he found his son and that his son is seeing him like this.
“Draco- this isn’t what it looks like.”
Lucius rotates around the pole, strong wind blowing.
Harry looks up to Hedwig.
“I think we’re going to have to swim!”
No one is enthused. Especially Sirius.
Just then, Hedwig sees something in the distance.
Oh her holy fuck.
Is that Mr. Puff she sees in the distance?
With two grown men on his back?
(Snape does not want to be here, in fact, he cannot believe he’s doing this. But, he cannot afford for Dumbledore to be booked in prison. If Voldemort takes over, he’s dead. Well… he supposes he’s screwed either way. He would rather become Voldemort’s experiment than rub Dumbledore’s back again.
And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to die if he got to take down the Potter spawn with him.
But, at the very least, dying would get that bloody bird off his trail.)
Hagrid, his dragon, and Snape arrive.
The students cannot believe their eyes. Draco digs around Harry’s bag for some sort of camera. There’s nothing.
“I can’t believe I can’t get a picture of this!”
This is by far the weirdest day of Draco’s entire life.
00:57.
The dragon lands and Hagrid belts out to run over.
The unusual squad runs over to Mr. Puff, jumping on his back.
The dragon takes off, Snape’s non-luxurious hair not blowing in the wind. This could’ve been a beautiful cut scene straight out of movie if it weren’t for him. It just stays in place, sad and stiff, briefly swinging in poor Sirius Black’s face. It gets in his mouth. He can’t even muster up the energy to gag.
“Professor Sna-“
“Shut up. Just shut the bloody hell up you waste of Lily’s egg.”
“What-“
What a sight.
00:00.
The ministry officials are no more.
Lucius dangles there limply, unconscious and spinning around the pole slowly.
They are free.
Everyone starts coughing.
“I’m so sorry!”
Sirius takes it upon himself to roll off the dragon, head-diving into the ocean.