Hedwig’s Misadventures

Something’s been bothering Hedwig.

Hermiones magic.

Now, it’s always been a little weird, but something has changed. It feels… out of place.

Not to mention, the chicks always so goddamned snappy anymore.

The circles under her eyes, the shaky limbs, the frustrated crying she sneaks out to do.

Is she on drugs?

She probably forget something important. But, everything seems to always work out, so, oh well.

—

Things were not okay.

Harry was invited down to Remus’s classroom to learn the Patronus Charm.

Considering his track record… everyone secretly followed him.

Ron and Hermione took the map and stalked after him. Hedwig, Dobby, and Sirius were not far behind.

Remus seemed remotely normal.

In fact, everything was going well.

They should’ve known better than to bring Sirius.

Remus mentions how he once knew James Potter, and Sirius loses it.

The idiot mutt transformed out of Padfoot and into his human self, charging at Remus with his fists swinging.

His tongue was still half out of his mouth.

Remus was obviously not expecting this.

Harry was in the middle of questioning him on if his father had any pets at Hogwarts.

Sirius crashed into him knuckle first and Remus goes flying into the wall, wand cracking under the weight of Sirius’s body slam.

“Oh wow, okay.”

They sail past Harry.

In a flurry of punches thrown, they bump into Remus’s new desk, causing it to give way and crumble to the ground.

The two combatants went on to brawl in the dust and debris, rolling over one another and flailing about in an attempt to get the upper hand.

Papers flew.

Hermione, having somehow discovered the secret of the mystery dog, looks unsurprised but exasperated.

Dobby stood there clinging onto Ron’s leg.

“Should we… Should we do something?”

“Yes Ron, let’s get in the middle of two grown men fighting.”

She gives him a nasty look. Ron raises his hands in a show of surrender.

“I was just asking, Merlin.”

Harry gets brushed up on and his glasses fall again, completely unsavable.

Remus and Sirius tumble out of the window.

The group runs over to look out the window, only to see that they’re still fighting even after plummeting.

Harry grabs a broom out of the broom closet and prepares to jump. Hermione grabs his arm with a grown man’s strength (or someone on drugs) and yanks him back, almost dislocating his arm from his shoulder.

“Are you mentally incompetent as well?! What if that is just a normal broom, you absolute idiot!”

Harry just shrugs. Of course he does.

Hedwig flies down to watch while the students run out of the classroom and hopefully to find a teacher or something.

What good entertainment.

In the midst of the run out, they step over a shiny liquid surrounded by glass chunks.

Hedwig watched in fascinated horror as Sirius and Remus find time to cuss at each other while out of breath and swinging.

Sirius’s leg probably shouldn’t be bent that way.

He lets out a hysterical cackle and head butts Remus right in the jaw.

The group makes their way down, Hermione gone but not an adult in sight.

Sigh.

Harry’s holding his wand.

“Should I set them on fire?”

Without waiting for anyone to answer him, he sets the grass Sirius and Remus are on up in flames.

Remus rolls and stares at Sirius.

His bones start to crack as he bends over. Inhumane noises escape his throat with his eyes growing wider. His veins popped out as his flesh stretched and morphed.

“Oh.”

She agrees with Harry.

Sirius transforms into Padfoot.

“Mate… maybe we should go now…”

Harry doesn’t listen. Because he never does.

As Sirius howls and runs after the wolf, Harry follows right behind them.

She’s too tired for this.

With no choice, Hedwig flies after him. Ron following reluctantly, very reluctantly.

The wolf and dog travel deep into the Forbidden Forest, Harry and them barely able to keep up.

They spend a couple of minutes following Harry as he tries to follow the sounds.

“We should split up and look.”

Hedwig sends him a mental image of his head missing from his body.

“Maybe not.”

Luckily, their search has given Hermione enough time to contact Dumbledore and bring him their way.

Unfortunately, in her relief, Harry disappears under their noses.

“Dobby’s a bad elf!”

Not the time.

“Now now, let’s calm for a moment and take a breath-“

“A breath?! A breath! You think I have time to take a breath? Have you seen who I’m surrounded by? You should listen to the young people who obviously know better than you, because they have their whole lives ahead of them, unlike you, who has one foot in the grave already, ready to meet death any moment!”

…

She has to be on something.

(Hermione has reached her breaking point.)

Ron feels his heart skip a beat.

“Now, Miss Granger-“

“Be quiet!”

With the look of a high-risk psych ward patient, Hermione flips through the random neon orange book she’s holding.

There is a loud scream in the distance.

So, they all run towards it.

Thank God, Harry just fell over a fallen tree trunk and broke his nose.

They are far behind, but Hermione heads forward, ready to abuse Harry with the book.

Within the next couple of seconds, the wolf and dog come out of the clearing, a messy tumble of animal limbs.

“Sirius! You’re okay!”

This attracts the wrong type of attention.

The wolf makes a mad dash towards Harry.

Dumbledore might not have his wand on him, but he isn’t known as a great wizard for nothing.

The old man, dolled up as a nightly mistress unknowingly, halts the wolf in his tracks.

It was not with magic.

The wolf halts, taken aback. Why is there an unexpected elderly woman dressed in such a provocative way?

His eyes were butter and Dumbledores non-curvaceous body was the pan refusing to let go, only there to sizzle away.

(Why was Dumbledore’s back filled with oil?)

(Poor Severus Snape.

For three more pounds an hour, Snape was forced to oil and massage Dumbledore’s hairy back while enduring gossip sessions.

Being a spy, Snape was able to keep his facial expression strictly neutral. He wished he was anywhere else. The old man rambled and rambled and rambled.

He made him look at his toenail that had something suspicious growing underneath it.

Snape will never be a happy man.

“Severus, be a dear and work out that bump for me.”

Severus has no choice but to get on top of Dumbledore’s back to elbow his knot. Maybe, if God would help him out just this once, his bone would cut a cord in his neck.

McGonagall, who has packets of complaints from angry parents about a unnerving students pet, cracks the door open ready argue about that bloody owl.

“Oh, yes! Right there. Deeper.”

Perhaps another time.

The door closes. )

But, this is when Dobby appears, startling Sirius.

Mistaking him for a nightmare from Azkaban, Sirius picks Dobby up and flails him around in his mouth.

Dobby goes sailing straight into Dumbledore in a stream of bubbling soap, breaking his concentration and fogging up the area.

Dumbledore hurls Dobby outwards, straight towards Hedwig.

Seeing this, she’s instantly reminded of when they first met, those wide and soulless inferi eyes coming straight for her.

She bats him towards a slightly terrified Ron.

They enter a game where Dobby is the ping-pong ball.

The wolf walks right up to Harry and stares at him.

Harry stares back without moving.

The wolf politely digs in.

Harry was let go, an obvious bite mark adorning his shoulder with a gush flowing out.

Hermione tweaks out as Ron is trying to pry Dobby off of his neck in the background.

“Harry, seriously?! You had time to move! You have a wand!”

Harry brings his hand up to clench his shoulder.

“I just wanted to see what it felt like!”

Sirius immediately digs into the wolf’s skin, refusing to let go, even as he’s thrown through the air like a rag doll.

Dumbledore looks between Harry and the duo, not sure if he should help Harry immediately or go after the two to stop them from killing any children.

He runs towards Harry.

“Harry. Why Harry?”

Dumbledore has a look of grievance on his face.

Hermione paces back and forth nervously as she digs through her book and points at a spell.

“This. This should be the right one.”

Thinking that she found a correct spell that could help stop bleeding, she takes out her wand and aims it at Harry.

“Obitus per subitum.”

A flash of green light erupts from her wand and hits Dumbledore who kneeled in front of Harry last second.

Dumbledore falls over with a thump.

The clearing grows silent.

“…Hermione?”

She stands there blankly.

She lets out a low squeal similar to a broken car.

She becomes hysterical as she kneels to the ground, her hands digging through her hair and into her scalp.

“I killed the Headmaster!”

Hedwig and Harry look at each other.

“That’s cold, misses.”

She screams and pelts Dobby with the book.

“Shut up Dobby!”

(Ron feels that now is a bad time to develop a crush.)

Harry promptly passes out from the massive gush of blood leaking from him.

“This is not happening!”

Hermione yanks Ron close, Dobby on his leg and Hedwig in Dobby’s clutches, and shoves Ron under her long chain.

Their surroundings change and all of a sudden the area is clear.

Looking around, there’s no sight of a dead Dumbledore or a werewolf-bitten Harry.

“Hermione, what did you do?”

Hermione looks over at Ron, and then down.
She’s breathing heavily, as if all the wind had been knocked out of her by some major disappointment.

Dobby and Hedwig look back up at her with big eyes.

“Alright. Okay. This is okay.”

She shakes her head like a dog and starts marching away.

“Wait, wait. What just happened?”

“We time traveled, Ron. Get with the picture.”

Ron throws his hands in the air in bafflement.

“Now how was I supposed to know that!”

They all run after the marcher-turned runner.

“And aren’t you like, not supposed to mess with time? My dad said-“

“YOU’RE DAD DIDN’T JUST KILL THE HEADMASTER!”

…

“That’s true.”

Dobby continues to cling on to Ron’s leg while holding Hedwig in a grip. Good thing his legs are long. He has no problems keeping up with Hermione.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. Just, don’t be seen, I guess?”

With this event unfolded, they follow her to Dumbledore’s corridors.

Hermione shows no sympathy for his guardian statues, blowing them up instantly as she races up the stairs.

(That wasn’t his best female friend that night, that was a demon.)

“Hedwig! Come here.”

Oh look, Fawkes is here.

“Where is he? Tell him to go grab Dumbledore and make him come here. Other me should be here in a couple minutes.”

A quick communication ensues.

Fawkes looks like he completely lost the plot, but goes to grab Dumbledore anyway.

She marches away.

They follow after the currently named she-devil.

She takes them back to the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. It’s a couple minutes before the other them should come through.

She turns around to address them all.

“Okay. So. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

No shit.

“And, I’m not sure if something bad will happen changing all of this, but, I can’t be known as the one who killed Professor Dumbledore.”

Ron raises his hand weakly.

“And Harry?”

She opens her mouth as she shakes her head wildly, eyes rolling deeply.

She’s not exactly disproving Hedwig’s theory here.

There goes Harry whizzing by. Looks like they’ve run out of time.

“Dobby has a plan for his great Harry Potter!”

Great, Hedwig can’t wait to see it.

The group, no visible plan in sight but pure impulsiveness, runs forward in the shadows.

Right when Harry is about to let himself be bitten, current Dobby splatters soap bubbles directly into to the wolf’s mouth, causing him to choke.

It’s easily mistaken as the other Dobby’s.

Should they be changing time like this?

Well, it’s not like she could let her foolish friend be a werewolf. Or you know, kill off Dumbledore.

In a weird twist, Harry still ends up gushing out blood. This time, it’s from falling backwards and impaling himself on a stick.

Why are his survival instincts getting worse?

In Hermione’s accidental aim to kill, Dobby enacts a spur-of-the-moment plan.

Hidden by a mist of soap bubbles, he goes out and tosses other Hedwig directly into the path of Hermione’s killing curse.

That fucking asshole just killed her!

It’s not like she can die, but he will absolutely one hundred percent be paying for that.

Harry proceeds to fall into a ditch, get a concussion, and pass out while bleeding from impalement.

Other Dumbledore, still alive, gets up and sashays away to the running wolf and dog.

As they all stand there perplexed, reality itself starts swaying.

They are instantly thrown into their other? first? normal? bodies.

Hermione takes a moment to flex her fingers.

“Well. No ones dead.”

She takes a second glance at Harry.

She sighs.

———

Madam Pomfrey walks back into her infirmary with a dish full of medicine.

(Once Snape learned who these were for, he purposely added vomit flavoring.)

She opens the door and enters.

Sitting in front of her is Harry wrapped up like a mummy, Hedwig, a sheepish Remus Lupin, a dog who was forcibly given a rabies shot, a weeping elf, and three Weasley siblings.

Not to forget Digger who was sitting on top of Harry.

Hermione Granger was permitted to leave to school for the weekend for a “mental health break.”

When Seamus comes in for a headache potion, he is unable to understand why Harry is both in the infirmary and in the Great Hall.

(Draco Malfoy +1)