God, Shield Us From Hedwig
Nearly another month has passed and Hedwig is no closer to finding a way to tell Harry about his upcoming doom.
She tried writing with Harry’s stolen utensils, but her penmanship was terrible. Words came out looking like some weird deformed manhood.
For some reason, it just wouldn’t cooperate.
In the process, she engulfed Harry’s potions essay with ink, leaving him with a long and unwanted detention with Snape.
That’ll teach Harry to leave his work lying around unprotected.
Honestly.
Snape!
Can humans use legilimency on an animal?
But she doesn’t want anyone to find out about her past life. She has too many memories she absolutely does not want anyone to get to.
She remembers reading a badly written smut fanfiction of Snape on wattpad before she even knew what Harry Potter was.
…
Deciding that as much as she would love to see his face when having that information revealed, she would not be trying out her legilimency theory.
But now she was curious.
She decided to try her best to write out a question on paper and leave it on his desk.
Snape grades children’s essays all the time, so he could probably make out what her question was trying to say.
“Can you use legilimency on animals?”
-Harry
—
The next morning, Snape got to his classroom early. He stared at the multiple drawn dicks on his desk with a horrified disbelief.
What on earth was this?
It seemed like a prank, but who the hell would do something like this?
Being a spy is ingrained into Snape. To look for a deeper meaning.
This is how Dumbledore walked in on Severus Snape caressing a paper full of deformed dicks at six in the morning.
Dumbledore only needed one look to start backing away slowly, closing the door behind him.
—
Over christmas break, Harry got an invisibility cloak.
Hedwig has been by his side as he experiments and trespasses.
They’ve been doing some light pranks on the other students. Teamwork.
It’s been a nice distraction from Harry’s newest obsession. Nicholas Flame. And the dragon in Hagrid’s hut.
Harry’s been rambling about how Malfoy got him and his posse into detention. He still thinks Snape is behind this all.
He’s also been worried about Hagrid getting in trouble via egg and Malfoy.
Why would someone even think of raising a dragon next to a school full of kids?
She’s not one for morals though, so she knocks out on this argument.
It’s 6:46 pm when she encounters Draco Malfoy in the owlery.
He walks in in all of his brazen glory, speaking of how he will send off a letter to his father about Hagrid. What temerity.
She watched as he walked with the typical attitude of a spoiled rich kid.
Inbreds.
She might be a mess but at least she’s not inbred.
Maybe.
Oh my god is she inbred in this life?
…
She hopes not.
She waits till he sends off Ulysses and leaves.
Hedwig has a nasty glint in her eyes.
Ulysses would finally get his well earned lesson for being an absolute snot. This is her time to let loose.
Ulysses was big but Hedwig was crazier.
She swooped down on him from above, knocking them both from their currents. She took his throat by the talons and they went down.
Hedwig looked down at Ulysses as they fell and let out a screechy cry, she was not afraid. Ulysses let out a hoot.
Their wings helped break the fall but they still hit the ground with a thud.
Her grip wasn’t loosening anytime soon.
Ulysses let out an angry hoot and tried to shake her off. He tried twisting and flying and grabbing, anything he could do to free himself.
Unfortunately for him, Hedwig was like a vise built by an inventor seeking recognition.
She was no ordinary owl, she was Hedwig, the owl with the strength of ten crackheads. A tsunami of immorality, a flood of indecency, and a hurricane of wrongdoing bringing chaos.
Hedwig was on a high. She could lift buildings with one leg and light a mountain on fire with the other.
He wouldn’t let go of the letter.
She drug Ulysses into the black lake.
Readable no longer.
He was tense and his muscles spasmodic, shaking like a naked chihuahua after a bath.
Hedwig smiled an internal smile as she flew away from the Black Lake, knowing she had won.
You overplayed your talons, Ulysses.
That would teach him for what he did to her.
He perched above her at night and shit on her.
He shit on her.
He shit on her.
—
Ulysses was completely entranced.
A small thing managed to not only one up him, but dunk him into the lake.
A mighty owl such as himself should have never had this happen to him.
For he was all powerful, bigger, better. Purebred. No mixed-breeds. Just him and his ancestors with their pure, pristine genes.
He could only come to the logical conclusion.
This must be a God.
Yes!
Yes, he could sense it now. How could he have not noticed it before?
Only the divine would be able to fight him and win.
He would follow her, his lady. Him, a devoted follower.
Ah Hedwig, sweet Hedwig! For he had seen a divine being on this day, and she had shown him the light!
—
Hedwig arrived back at the owlery that night to Harry waiting for her.
She landed in front of him with a single black and brown feather in her mouth.
“Oh no, Hedwig. Who now?”