Black Hole Sun

Regulus was relaxing in his bed after his loving boyfriend laid him down, exhausted, chest aching dully from binding all day, but completely drunk on love.

He was entirely enamored by James.

He was so kind and caring. He was surely blessed by whatever god there was, perfectly creating a person that was as good as they come, perfect, yet flawed, beautiful, yet not vain, terribly clever, yet not in a way that puts others down.

He was obsessed with his laugh, the mellifluous sound that he’d been hearing less and less of as of late.

He was captivated by his personality, his ability to bring others up, no matter the occasion.

He was the Sun, always radiating light to make others shine, brightening Regulus’ star, encouraging him to shimmer always.

He was truly in love with his boy and oh so worried about him.

He seems to get skinnier as the days pass, and his skin loses its sunkissed glow.

Regulus can feel his ribs when he hugs him, when James holds on to him like he’s a lifeline. He could tell that James was not fairing too well, but he knew that he wouldn’t open up to him.

His eyes have lost that brightness that can attract someone even across the room, lively and loving.

His smile had lost its genuineness, his dimples not showing when he did, eyes not crinkling up around the corners.

He looked sad, not like his usual sunshiny self.

James needed help, but, naturally, Regulus didn’t want to believe his love was upset. He deserves everything good this world has to offer, so he decides to think the best that he can, thinking through every other situation he could even fathom being the problem, before jumping to severe conclusions like that.

Maybe it’s his workload. He has been helping so many people. Perhaps he hasn’t had time to study up?

Maybe it’s Lily and Mary’s sad but mutual breakup or Remus and Sirius’ most recent fight. He always gets down when those around him are fighting or upset.

Maybe it’s his mother’s recent sickness, typically not harmful, but in her old age, it’s left James on edge.

But, even with all of those thoughts swirling around his brain, even thinking optimistically, he knows it isn’t true.

All of those are sure to be contributing factors, but it’s something bigger, and he needs to figure out what it is.

Just as he was mulling over the options, he was broken from his thoughts as he heard a far too loud thump.

Immediately he was up, running in a panic to the bathroom, trying to find the source of the noise.

Normally he wouldn’t be so worried, James is kind of clumsy, it wouldn’t be unheard of for him to have dropped something. But James had been upset earlier, something clearly bothering him, and as far as Regulus knew, he was sitting with an empty stomach.

”James?” Regulus called out, panicked but in a calm tone, not too loud, knowing James hated loud noises.

”Are you alright?”

No response.

”Darling, if you don’t answer, I’m going to have to come in,” Reg stated, voice growing with his desperation for a response.

Still, no reply.

With that he opened the door, heart sinking at what he saw.

Lovely, lovely James lying in a heap on the ground, very pale and in a position suggesting a fall.

”James!”

He ran to him, hoping he was ok, praying to whatever god there is that his love will be alright.

~-~

Regulus sat in the infirmary, leg bouncing with ferocity, staring at James, eyes and cheeks wet with the aftermath of many fallen tears.

The sun was still resting, not quite risen yet, despite it being well past noon.

He didn’t know what do to, didn’t know how to help. He felt so useless, the only thing he accomplished in the hours since the sun fell being desperate pleas and prayers called to the omnipotent beings of the universe that his James would get better.

Madam Pomfrey had assessed James when he got to her, diagnosing him with a severe eating disorder, likely depression, and malnourishment.

He was shocked at first, then, slowly, all of the pieces started to fit into place.

How little he had been eating lately, even his favorite meals, always claiming that he had eaten elsewhere.

He had brushed it off before, he wasn’t with James during most mealtimes, only eating dinner together occasionally when they could talk their house heads into it and on date nights, but now…

How easy it had been to carry James to the infirmary, a man nearly six inches taller than him and naturally larger and more muscled than him…

How he always snuck off to the toilets after meals-

Oh Merlin, how could he have been so stupid?

That’s his boyfriend, the love of his life, and he didn’t even notice when he was struggling.

And the worst part is that this had been going on for ages, at least three or four months, since the beginning of the school year, Regulus had just been too blind to notice.

He felt miserable.

He wanted nothing more than to curl into James’ chest, to bury himself there and never come out, to not have to face the guilt eating him alive, destroying his very soul, devouring his sense of worth.

But he can’t.

That’s the whole problem, isn’t it?

Sure, he’s clinging to his hand like James will cease to exist if he were to let go, but James can’t help him with this particular problem.

No, it was time to put James first.

Everyone had been ignoring James.

Sirius, Remus, Marlene, Peter, Lily, Barty, himself.

James had been in so much pain, struggling in silence, and no one noticed.

It was his time to get help.

Regulus is going to ensure James gets better, even if he hates him forever, even if he loses him. He’d rather be alive and hate him than be dead and love him.

Just as he firmly set his mind on how determined he was to save James, the sun awoke.

~-~

The first thing James registered when he woke was how rested he felt. He slept better than he had in he didn’t even know how long, at least months.

He felt stiff for lying for so long, but the constant exhaustion that plagued him was nearly nonexistent.

He weakly opened his eyes to see his star gazing back at him, tears in his eyes.

”Why are you crying, Love?” James asked, desperately wanting his boyfriend to be happy, to be cured of whatever sadness infects him.

”I’m so worried, Jamie.”

”About what, Love? How long have I been asleep? Just got a little lightheaded, that’s all,” James rushed to explain, attempting to brush it off.

”James, mon soleil, you’ve been asleep for fourteen hours. You passed out from malnutrition, not from a little spell of lightheadedness,” Regulus tried to him, tears racing tracks down his face.

Oh no.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

It wasn’t supposed to happen at all.

No one was supposed to know.

Especially not Regulus.

His beautiful boy, who probably thinks he’s nothing but disgusting now.

Now, it’s James’ turn to cry.

”Please don’t hate me. I know I’m disgusting and terrible, but I tried really hard to be good for you. I promise, I promise, I promise…” he trailed off, his promises getting quiet before disappearing all together.

”No, no, Baby, don’t cry. It’s ok. I’m not angry. I promise I don’t hate you. I love you so much; I could never hate you. I’m just so worried about you, Love,” he said in a rush, pleading for James to understand, brushing their tears away.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This wasn’t meant to be how it happened. I was supposed to be good. For you. For everyone. Don’t want you to be embarrassed.”

James was sobbing by now.

”I could never be embarrassed by you, Baby. You’re so beautiful and kind.”

James pressed his face into Regulus’ neck, feebly attempting to stifle his sobs.

He fell asleep again, Regulus running his fingers through his hair, whispered sweet nothings and reassurances into his ear.

Eventually, James cuddles into his side, Regulus fell into slumber too, letting his boy rest and resolving to talk about it more tomorrow.

~-~

When James next awoke, he was dreadfully alone.

He was in the infirmary still, yet no one was around.

Not Madam Pomfrey.

Not Sirius or any of the other Marauders.

Not Marlene.

Not Barty.

Not even any other patients.

Definitely not Reg.

Well, he should’ve expected this.

He’s so disgusting.

Why would anyone want to stay?

Disgusting, feminine, girly, pathetic,…

He was beginning to spiral, and his breath was quickly picking up.

He was pulling at his hair, hyperventilating, pulling, pulling, scratching-

“Love, Love, it’s ok. It’s ok.”

Gentle hands were slowly pulling his out of his hair, and pulling his head into the neck of who the hands belonged.

”Darling, breathe with me,” whispered Regulus as his soft hands stroked down James’ back.

In and out, in and out.

They stayed like that for what felt like ages until James came down from his panic attack.

Regulus broke the silence by asking, “What happened, Jamie?”

”I thought you left me. Why did you come back?”

Regulus’ heart began to crack all over again at his small voice.

”I told you I wasn’t leaving, Baby.”

”But you did. You were gone when I woke up,” James was genuinely confused at this.

”I was talking with Madam Pomfrey about potential treatment plans,” Regulus responded hesitantly, predicting James’ fighting about this.

“What? Treatment? I don’t need any treatment. I’m perfectly a-okay, thank you. I can handle it myself.”

”Baby, don’t lie to me. I’m here for you. To help you. You don’t have to handle it alone. Tell me what’s been going on.”

At this, James broke completely.

He started sobbing. The gasping for breath kind that leaves you feeling exhausted.

He was spilling problem after problem, his struggle with food, his dysphoria and his people-pleasing problems that leave him with no time to healthily deal with his mental health issues.

He was feeling guilty at first, but with every problem he listed, the lighter he felt, like a weight was being lifted off of him.

Regulus listened intently and validated all of his problems, one after the other, until James had nothing else to say to him except thank you.

“You don’t need to thank me, Love. That’s what I’m here for. To support and love you. To listen when you need me to.”

“What did I ever do to deserve you, Reg?” James asked, looking up at his boyfriend with nothing but love and adoration on his face.

”I should be asking you that, Sunshine,” Regulus replied watching James wipe his face free of tear tracks. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize how you were struggling before, how none of us did. I’ll do better. But, Love, you have to trust me too. I know it’s hard, but I’m here for you. I’m here to help you shoulder the burden. You don’t have to carry it alone. You know that, right? I’ll always be here for you, no matter what happens, for as long as you need me to be. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to convince you of that.”

James didn’t have a response for that, resolving to just bury himself into Regulus’ chest.

He wasn’t ok, but, maybe, just maybe, he would be one day.

He wasn’t alone anymore.