See the Light
Three months later, James found himself wishing no one ever found out about his eating habits.
The day started off well enough, James had a wonderful time planned with Regulus in Hogsmeade, and they were going to hang out in the Slytherin dorms later.
He hadn’t seen Barty in ages, the other boy always being busy, and he had been missing him. It was always unexpected for others to find out, but James and Barty had been close ever since meeting through Regulus years ago.
They always had a sort of connection, and they understood each other in ways that no one else really could.
He even managed to eat a full breakfast for the first time in who knows how long.
It went downhill from there, however.
When his friends noticed just how much he was eating, they wasted no time to tell him how good it was.
”Prongs, I’m so proud of you. That’s a lot of food, innit?” Sirius said with a broad grin.
”Yeah, you’ve been gaining more weight recently, I’m really happy for you,” said Peter.
”Good for you, James,” Moony chimed in.
They were only trying to help of course.
But all James heard was a lot of food, gaining weight, a lot, gaining weight, gaining weight, gaining weight, gaining weight, gaining weight, gaining weight, gaining. weight.
It would go straight to his hips, straight to his thighs. What if he doesn’t pass anymore? What if Regulus breaks up with him because he doesn’t look like a real man anymore?
All of his hard work, all of his healing, all of it came undone with a few sentences.
He hadn’t realized how tight he was gripping his fork until he caught sight of Remus’ strange look in his direction.
”You alright there, James?”
No.
”Yeah, of course, Moons. Why wouldn’t I be?” James replied, pasting on a smile as convincing as he could muster.
Remus accepted this, of course, why wouldn’t he?
James is better.
Or, at least, he was.
He tried to stop himself, he really did, but his thoughts were running amok, spiraling in his head.
He made an excuse to leave, muttering something about quidditch, and immediately ran into the boys loo, heaving up the contents of his stomach.
He started crying, feeling so pitiful.
He wanted so desperately to be better, but it was just so easy to be ill.
-
Regulus was watching James from the Slytherin table, so he noticed immediately when he rushed out of the Great Hall.
He quickly followed him, guessing that breakfast had been a trigger for him.
He used to eat all of his meals in with James in one of their dorms, gently coxing him to eat bite after bite, convincing him to eat small portions at least twice a day, sometimes more when James was willing. Gradually the portions got bigger and bigger until James could eat most of a normal sized meal without problem.
Eventually James didn’t feel the need to have Reg there every time he ate. Not that he didn’t mind the comfort of it, but he knew that Regulus was risking enough by siting with him at his table in the Great Hall when James was feeling well enough to eat with everyone else, and he didn’t want him to risk anymore than he had to.
Regulus initially refused, telling James that he didn’t care about the consequences, but eventually he relented.
After nearly two weeks of eating during mealtimes without hiccups, Regulus was beginning to worry less.
Until now.
Now he was headed straight after James.
-
James heard footsteps approaching the stall he was hunched over in and immediately started wiping away his tears with a panic.
He saw the Doc Martins beneath the stall door and lost it all over again.
”Jamie?” he heard in the sweet sound voice of his lover.
He reached out to unlock the door and started sobbing even harder.
”Reg,” James breathed out as Regulus bent down to pulling him right against his chest.
They stayed there until James had calmed down, Regulus rubbing his back and whispering sweet nothings into his ear.
Healing is not linear.
~-~
The next time James wished no one had ever found out just how ill he really was, it was during summer break.
He had begged and pleaded for no one at the school to contact his parents, eventually breaking down at the thought of it. They reluctantly agreed, on the stipulation that he go to therapy everyday during the school year with Madam Pomfrey.
He didn’t want his mum to know. She was call him pathetic for acting like it was a problem, for acting like he had any right to complain. He needed to get skinnier after all, and he needed to realize that.
He managed to convince his mum and dad to let Regulus and Sirius come with him for the summer, he couldn’t stand seeing them go back to that house.
This, however, meant that they were able to see firsthand how his mum saw him, her precious little girl.
Sirius, having met Effie before, knew about his mum’s lack of empathy surrounding his wish to be called James and referred to as a boy, but Reg had never met her before.
He had no clue, he hadn’t even heard James’ deadname before, and James was terrified for what this could mean.
Effie picked them all up from the train station.
“J****, I’ve missed you. Sirius, how are you love? Oh, and Regulus, I’m so delighted to meet you. J**** here, she never stops talking about you. I’ve been wondering if there was something going on there,” Euphemia said with an easy smile.
Regulus’ eyes went wide at her words. He quickly shook off his shock, and stepped forwards to say something when he felt something on his arm.
James’ hand.
He shook his head at Regulus, giving him a look that said we’ll talk later.
Regulus didn’t know what James was on about, so he forced himself to grit his teeth and greet Effie.
As soon as they got home, Effie immediately started trying to stuff them with food, “It’s been so long since you’ve had a home cooked meal,” she said.
James gingerly started piling bit after bit onto his plate, not too much, ensuring that none of his food would be touching each other.
”Dear, that’s quite a lot, isn’t it? You wouldn’t want to start chubing up again after all that weight I see you’ve lost.”
”Oh, yeah, I guess,” James replied, blinking rapidly, willing his eyes to stay dry.
He caught Regulus’ gaze, seeing that he was about to say something, and quickly shook his head once more, beseeching him to stay quiet. He could see his jaw clench, and he glared at the table with so much anger burning in his eyes he thought it might burst into flames.
”I’m not that hungry anyways,” James said, more for the benefit of Regulus and Sirius than his mum.
”Are you sure, Mate? You should eat if you are.”
”I’m fine, Pads,” he responded, putting his food back where he got it, and washing his plate.
And he wasn’t lying, not really.
He had been hungry, but not anymore.
Surly his mother knew what she was talking about.
Surly she knew what the appropriate weight and eating portions was, with her model like figure.
Surly she was right.
James could miss this dinner.
He could miss this dinner, and then maybe, she’d be proud of him.
-
That night, James went to the room Regulus was in, longing for comfort.
As much as he wanted to believe that she was right, her words made him more miserable than he was capable of expressing.
“Hi, Baby. Are we finally going to talk now?”
James nodded, and let himself be held by his boyfriend.
With that he told him it all, how his mum wasn’t supportive of his transition because she was Christian and thought it went against the Bible, how she constantly misgendered him, how she was the main reason for his development of an eating disorder in the first place.
”I’m so sorry. I had no idea your mum was like that. You deserve to eat, Love. And to be who you are.”
”Yeah, well she doesn’t seem to think so. Sometime, I agree with her.”
”No, Baby, don’t listen to her. You are my beautiful boy. You’re handsome, and kind, and loyal, and I wouldn’t trade you for the world. You’re my favorite person, and I don’t know how much that helps, but you have to know how highly I think of you.”
”You’re the beautiful one, Reg.”
”Oh, am I?” he said, grinning wide.
“Yeah,” he replied, pulling his boyfriend into a sweet kiss. “I love you.”
”I love you too, Jamie,” said Regulus, pulling away from the kiss. “I have a question though. Your mum, when I met her, she said she wanted to know if there was anything ‘going on there’. Was that about us? Does she not know we’re dating?”
James dropped his gaze to his hands and started fidgeting, shaking his head ashamedly.
”No, I haven’t told her. I’m scared.”
”Why are you scared, Mon soleil?”
“I’m scared about what she might say. It’s stupid. I’m sorry.”
”It’s not stupid, Baby. I’m not mad. Well, I am, but not at you. Never at you. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.”
“Nothing you can do. Just be here with me. Hold me. Please.”
So that’s what he did.
He held his boyfriend until the sun came up, gripping him like it would magically make everything else ok, all the while whispering sweet nothings into his ear until he drifted off into slumber.
Healing is not linear.
~-~
It was later in the summer the next time he felt it.
The next time he felt so miserable that he wished it would all just stop, and he could be perfect and meet the expectations of everyone.
He had a nice enough day, managing to make it thought breakfast and lunch without his mother saying anything, playing quidditch in the yard with Pads and his dad for hours, watching films with Reg.
His mother said something about what he was eating at dinnertime, but with some encouraging from Reg, he still ate, even if the portion was a bit smaller.
Afterwards, they went outside to stargaze.
”I don’t know what I would do without you, Reggie. Thank you. For everything.”
”No need to thank me, Love,” he responded, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.
They eventually went back to Regulus’ room, when the dew from the grass wetted their pajamas, and they had to change.
James picked out a baggy jumper of Reg’s to wear, a size or two too large for him.
”You look adorable like that, Jamie. I like seeing you in my clothes.”
James couldn’t stop the flush from that spread from his face to somewhere on his chest as he looked away bashfully.
Regulus stepped forwards, clasping James’ face between his palms.
He pulled him into a sweet but passionate kiss, knocking the breathe out of both out of both of them and filling them with an indescribable need, a need to be closer to the other, a need to show their love to the other, a need, a need, a need.
James’ kisses slowly went lower, trailing down Regulus’ neck, simultaneously pushing him towards the bed, until the backs of his knees were flush with the mattress.
He gently pushed Regulus down by his shoulders, straddling him still kissing him lower and lower, reaching out to grip the hem of the old band tee he was wearing with his fingers, lifting it slightly in question.
”Is this ok, Love?”
”Yes,” Regulus responded breathily.
And so he did, taking in the beautiful landscape of his partner’s skin, touching as much of him as he possibly could, sucking bruises into his pale skin, kissing every scar and blemish that made James find him even more perfect.
He leaned back to admire his boyfriend, staring into his pale grey eyes that were looking up at him and shining like the star that he named himself after.
”You’re so gorgeous, Baby,” Regulus said, reaching out to kiss James’ jaw, hoping that his adoration for his lover would seep through his words, hoping to change his view of himself, hoping he would see himself the way Regulus saw him, in a light resembling the sun.
James couldn’t help himself from cutting off the next thing Regulus was about to say, need coursing through him, wanting, wanting, needing to see Regulus come undone under him.
He spent the next hours doing just that, unraveling his tightly bound boyfriend, undoing him again and again before cleaning them both up and tucking his boyfriend against his chest, whispering praise and love in his ears as he drifted off.
-
The next morning he woke up to insistent knocking on the door.
That’s odd, James though, Mum’s never up before I am.
He slowly became more aware of his surroundings as he cleared away his remaining drowsiness.
The first thing he registered was his boyfriend’s sleeping, and very unclothed, figure beside him.
”J****, are you in there? Sirius told me you never went back to your room last night.”
His eyes went wide with panic.
He never meant to fall asleep in Regulus’ room, not wanting to risk it. He hadn’t slept in here since the first night they were home.
He meant to be more careful. Reg just looked so sweet last night, so cuddly, and James Potter is a weak, weak man for Regulus Black.
James didn’t regret it, last night was the best first time he could ever ask for with a partner, but only now he had to figure out how to get out without alerting his mother.
She couldn’t know they were together. She just couldn’t.
”No, no, no, Reggie,” he whispered, shaking his shoulder to wake him gently. “Wake up.”
Regulus opened his eyes slowly, blinking wearily, never one for the mornings.
He sat up quickly when he recognized Effie’s knocking and James still in his bed.
Just as James was trying to form a plan to get out of there as fast as possible, his mother burst through the door.
Her eyes went wide as she took in their appearances, their closeness, their bare shoulders, chests covered by many layers of bedding, the hickories across their necks and collarbones.
Her shocked expression quickly turned to one of delight.
”J****, please get dressed and meet me in the kitchen,” she said, leaving without another word.
James was still. Silent. Scared. Not breathing.
”James?”
Nothing.
Regulus reached out to touch his shoulder.
James let out a breath that was lodged in his throat, letting out more and more until he was hyperventilating.
”Breathe with me, Jamie. It’s ok. In and out. In and out.”
He pulled James into his chest so he could match his breathing pattern.
In and out.
In and out.
In and out until his breathing leveled out.
”It’s ok, Jay. I’m here,” he said, stroking calming fingers through his curls.
”’m scared, Reg. What’s she going to say?”
”It doesn’t matter, Love. I’m here. Sirius is here. We love you. It’ll be ok,” said Regulus, not knowing exactly what to say to his boyfriend, but desperately wanting to comfort him.
”Yeah, yeah, it’ll be ok,” he repeated, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than anything else.
They got dressed in silence, passing each other their respective clothing when they came across it.
”Do you want me to go with you?”
”Please. Not in the kitchen though, Mum wouldn’t like that. Maybe just nearby, just in case?”
”Of course, Love.”
They walked hand in hand down the stairs, letting go when they reached the landing.
Regulus gently kissed James’ cheek, slipping into the living room, close enough to hear a conversation coming from the kitchen, but far enough that James’ mum wouldn’t know he was there.
James stomach was turning and jumping with every step toward his mother, the woman who birthed him, the woman who didn’t respect him enough to call him what he wanted, who didn’t care for him enough to believe him when he told her what his name was.
He saw her calmly drinking out of a coffee mug by the sink, her face lighting up when she says him.
His dad was sat reading the newspaper at the table. It didn’t matter anyways though, he never said anything. Never stepped in to side with James or his mother, simply staying out of it entirely.
”J****, dear, I’m so excited to see your dating Regulus! It’s so wonderful to hear you’ve decided to put that silly ‘trans’ nonsense behind you. I was beginning to worry.”
”What are you talking about, Mum?” he asked, confusion laced his expression.
”Well, you’re dating a boy. You can’t very well be one. Why on Earth would you transition to be gay?”
”Padfoot is gay. He’s dating Moony, yet you seem to have no problem with that.”
”Yes, but that’s different. Sirius is a real boy, not some stupid, delusional little girl.”
”I’m not a girl, Mum.”
”Yes, you are, dear. Do we need to get out the birth records again? Clearly you didn’t understand the first time.”
“I’m a boy. I’ve always been a boy.”
There was a silence after this.
”My names is James,” he spoke, barely a whisper.
”Not quite,” she said, still with the same easy smile plastered on her face.
She looked so condescending, James’ fingers itched at his side to slap that smile straight off her face.
He felt his rage bubble up, mixing with hurt in his chest, nearly boiling over.
“Mum, why don’t you ever see me? I’m a boy, I swear. I’ve always been a boy and I always will be. It makes me happy. Regulus makes me happy, and we’re boyfriends. I’m his boyfriend. Don’t you understand? It makes me happy to be called a boy. It makes me happy to be called James. It makes me happy to have a flat chest and to talk in a deeper tone. Why can’t you just accept that? Why can you just accept me? What about me is so wrong to you?”
Tears were streaming down his face by the time her finished this, dread and fear crawling up his throat.
“Nothing is wrong with you, Dear. It’s just your brain. It’s the world. Trying to convince you you’re something you’re not so you feel special-”
”Euphemia, that is enough. I’ve stood by saying nothing for too long. I thought one of you would get over it eventually, but clearly I was wrong. Don’t you remember how happy he was when I took him to get his first haircut? He wouldn’t stop grinning, wouldn’t stop looking in the mirrors. When he first came out to us, do you remember how devastated he was when you wouldn’t acknowledge what he was trying to tell you, when you refused to call him by the name he wanted? You’re hurting him, Effie. I was too, standing by for so long. But not anymore. There’s nothing wrong with our boy.”
He turned his gaze towards James.
”I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how much it was hurting you. I was scared. Of what, I don’t know. Of change? Of losing you? Of you having a harder life than you already do? Maybe all of those, who knows. But what I do know is that I love you, Son. I’m so sorry.”
”I love you too, Dad,” he said through tears, frantically trying to wipe them away, giving up when his dad embraced him.
”Fleamont Potter, do not feed into her delusions. That’s all they are,” she seemed desperate by this point, voice rising in pitch.
”Give it a rest, Eff. I love you so much, but you can’t keep doing this.”
She stormed out of the room.
James was too upset to much eat until the next day, but all of them, with the exception of his mother of course, piled onto the couch with tubs of ice cream and spoons to watch movie together.
The moment was bright, filled with laughter and love, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, James felt loved. He felt happy.
He felt it seep into his bones, and he couldn’t ignore it if he tried. He felt in deep in his marrow, incessant and never ending.
He had everything he could want, his father to support him, his friends, a wonderful partner who couldn’t possibly get anymore perfect.
Healing isn’t linear, and James Potter would be the first to tell you that, but it does get better. It gets easier to breathe, to exist.