Black Hole Sun

Mealtimes were always James’ least favorite times of day.

Having to make up excuses for not eating, the worried glances his friends exchange that he never notices, the idea of consuming food, of digesting it, the way his body distorts, changes shape, creates imperfections, the way he’s so pathetic that the only way he can feel good enough is by feeling empty, by his stomach reminding him of the complete lack of food he’s ingested over the past few days. The way it goes right to his hips and thighs, bringing the femininity back to them, making him look like a girl.

Lunch today for James is no different.

He’s seated at the Gryffindor table with his friends chatting up a storm, though it has exhausted him even further than he already was to put on a happy face, to ensure that his friends don’t notice him not eating. They do notice though. Or at least Peter does, Sirius and Remus too far wrapped up in each other to notice anything else happening.

James doesn’t mind that they don’t notice him though. It happens sometimes, he’s used to it, and it makes sense. They deserve to be happy, and James can’t intrude on that. He’d rather die than be an inconvenience that causes his friends trouble.

Besides, the idea of people noticing him, really noticing him, makes him sick to his stomach. What’ll happen when they realize that all he does is fake? When they see him for what he really is? A fraud. A faker. A try hard. Pretending to be happy, when really all he is is sad most of the time, aside from moments in time when he doesn’t have to think about how others perceive him, his body, when he isn’t faced with their scrutiny. Someone who puts on a facade, never truly letting anyone hear his innermost thoughts, only breaking down at night in the comfort of his bed. Someone who pretends to be a boy, he doesn’t even act like one, far too feminine in his actions and his looks.

Most of the time, those moments are with Reg, his wonderful boyfriend, the absolute love of his life, quite literally his star.

He doesn’t know what he did in a past life to deserve him, but he will do everything in his power in this one to ensure that he is worthy of someone like him, treats him like he deserves, like a divine king.

He doesn’t feel worthy most days, but he still tries. He tries to treat Regulus perfectly, tries to be perfect for him.

He makes sure he is skinny and attractive and attentive and loving and supportive. He makes sure he’s handsome and as masculine as he can get, masculine like Regulus, because he knows Regulus is only into men, real mean, not feminine men like him. It does tax him some to do all of that on top of being perfect for his friends and parents, but he’d gladly do it to ensure his partner’s happiness. He’d be willing to go to the ends of the earth to make him happy, knowing deep in his heart how much he deserves it after the childhood he had.

Which brings him to another reason he hates himself: he had a good childhood, so why was he upset? He had loving parents who didn’t abuse him or anything. Sure, they said some things that didn’t sit well with him, made comments about his body, but they were just concerned. He did need to watch his weight and how his body looks. They didn’t always use his correct pronouns or his correct name, but that was their religion and their belief. He couldn’t expect them to get it right every time. No one would want him, they would all be ashamed to be seen with him. He could handle a few comments.

That was nothing compared to how Sirius and Regulus were treated, abused and beaten and starved. Nothing compared to how Remus’ dad can barely stand to look at him since his mother had passed, always shipping him off to the neighbor’s house, making him responsible for his own meals. Nothing compared to how Peter’s parents simply ignored him, not caring about him in the slightest until he had something to show for his worth, something worthy of their attention.

He had nothing to be whining about, he knew first hand that some people had it worse than him. So why did he want to do nothing but whine? He wanted to cry out, to make someone pay attention to him, to make them care. He was so pathetic.

He had always wondered what the afterlife would be like, obviously it wouldn’t be better as it didn’t contain Reg, or Sirius, or Remus, or Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene, his lot, but surely it couldn’t be worse. He couldn’t take it if he thought it’d be worse.

To be perfectly honest, he never really believed in an afterlife, he’s still not sure he does, but it sounds more peaceful than the alternative, an endless void of inexistence, cold and listless.

He wished for happy days, no worries, and no problems. He wished for eternal dawn, his favorite time of day, and everlasting picnics by the lake with Regulus. He wished for sleepovers with Sirius, long talks with Remus, chess games with Peter.

But even still, sometimes he couldn’t help but wish everything would just stop. He was tired, oh so tired. He wished he didn’t feel like this, but he did and he didn’t know how to stop.

Despite the exhaustion that seemingly never left him, he still carried on as usual, helping out as many people as he could.

He helped Marlene and Lily with their homework in the library, he played a match of chess with Peter and gave him some advice about the Hufflepuff girl he was thinking of, he talked to Sirius about the fight she was having with Remus and even offered to talk with Remus for him, and he followed through with that promise.

He did everything he could to be helpful, if he stopped having something to offer no one would want to be around him anymore. He knew that, and it was ok with him because, at least at the moment, he had something to offer. He was worthy of his friends.

As he came back from his conversation with Remus, his very successful conversation he might add, he clambered to the astronomy for his nightly hang out with Regulus.

As he stepped through the threshold, he saw his lover, back faced to him, face towards the stars. He had always had a fascination with astronomy, taking a liking to it since a young age, which is partially why he named himself Regulus, and although he would never admit it to anyone, James knew the other part of it was so he could feel closer to Sirius, wanting to feel closer to his sibling. It was such a sweet notion for such a sweet boy, and it made James’ heart melt a bit, taking some of the stress of the day away from him.

”My love,” he whispered into Regulus’ ear, pressing small kisses down the side of his face, hand wrapped around his waist.

Regulus, who must’ve heard him walk in, wasn’t surprised in the slightest, merely turning into the kiss more.

”Jamie,” he breathed.

”How was your day, Love?”

”Oh, you know, the usual. Transphobic pricks saying stuff and me mutilating them with my words. You know how it is, surely.”

”Are you ok, Reg? Who was it?” James asked, immediately angry at the thought of someone being rude to his star, for making him feel lesser in any way, especially for something as ridiculous and insignificant as his gender identity.

”Just Mulciber and his lot. Snape and them. Nothing to worry about,” he responded back, pressing a sweet kiss to his lover’s lips.

”Ok, as long as you’re sure, I suppose.”

”I am. How was your day?”

At this James faltered slightly. It was terrible to be honest. He couldn’t very well say that, of course, but he couldn’t lie to him. Regulus has all of that stuff to deal with. How could he possibly add more to it? But on the other hand, James promised to always be truthful with Regulus, and he wouldn’t stop now. Perhaps he could just use some manipulation of words?

”The usual,” James replied, trying to distract Regulus with a kiss to make him move on.

“What do you mean?”

”You know, same as usual.”

“But what does that mean, Love?” Regulus questioned.

”I don’t want to talk about this anymore, ok? Please,” James asked, giving his boyfriend his best puppy dog eyes and who was Regulus to say no?

“Ok, darling. Would you like to stay here or go back to one of our dorms?” Regulus asked, staring intently into James’ pretty brown eyes, silently pleading for him to be okay or to tell him what was wrong.

”I think I’d like to stay here for a while, if you don’t mind. And then maybe we could go back to yours?”

”Of course.”

And so they stayed there embracing and staring off at the stars.

They somehow ended up on the floor, Regulus on his back and James lying on his stomach.

”You know you can always talk to me, right?” the starboy asked his sun, dragging his fingers through his curls and breaking the silence for the first time since they layed down.

”Of course,” and James did know. He knew that he could, he didn’t lack the ability, but he also knew that he would probably never take him up on that offer.

Regulus simply hummed in response.

After what felt like hours, they finally stood up.

”It’s time to go now, Jamie.”

”To your dorm though, right?”

”Yes, darling.”

They walked there mostly in silence, hands swinging in between them as they walked, James playfully trying to pick up his boyfriend occasionally on the way there, Regulus hitting his arm to get him to put him down, complaining in indignation, although his loud laughter ringing out through the halls completely negated his complaints.

James thought Regulus had the most beautiful laugh, so of course he picked him up and tickled him frequently on the walk there. He could die a happy man just knowing that he was the cause of that sound.

James managed to pick Regulus up and was carrying him bridal style by the time they got to the Slytherin dorms in the dungeons, ignoring the fuzziness of his brain and the emptiness of his stomach.

Regulus quickly said the password and James stepped through the passage.

As they walked in, they heard a wolf whistle coming from somewhere inside, followed by hysterical laughter.

As they inched closer, they discovered that it was none other than Barty and Evan, clearly drunk as sailors.

Regulus simply flipped them off, telling James to ignore them.

And so James did, trudging along to be with Regulus in his room alone. He gently layed him on his bed and placed gentle kisses down his face and neck.

”Can I sleep here tonight?”

”I don’t know, Jamie,” he said sweetly, dragging his fingers through his love’s curls.

”Please, Reggie.”

Regulus looked conflicted, wanting James to be happy and desiring to be with him for longer, but also not wanting to get reprimanded or to receive a detention. Eventually though, he gave in.

”Yes, James, you can.”

”Yes!!” James exclaimed, wanting to be near his boyfriend and also just simply not wanting to go back to his dorm. He loved each of his friends dearly, but he needed a break. He couldn’t be there for anyone else today. He was exhausted, and he always slept better near his boyfriend.

”I’ll go shower and then join you, if that’s alright?”

Regulus nodded his head sluggishly, clearly very tired as well.

James parted with a kiss to his lover’s forehead, before heading to the bathroom attached to the dorm.

As he stepped away from him and straightened out his tall body, he felt a spell of lightheadedness hit him. He began to feel uneasy on his feet, like his center of balance was off and gravity was forcefully trying to drag him down.

He had always enjoyed that feeling, like he had something to show for his efforts, like he was doing something right. If he felt physically fine after not eating for two or three days at a time, then it wasn’t even something worth thinking about. He’d be fine, and he needs to get over it.

He ignored the feeling for now, just heading to the bathroom without any further thought, because it was probably nothing, and he’d get over it momentarily.

He quickly undressed, not wanting to be alone anymore or to see his body, wanting to seek out comfort in his boyfriend, wanting to be held.

 He stepped into the shower, trying to get out and back in bed as quickly as possible.

The water was scalding, but he didn’t mind. Pain never bothered him much anyways. The only problem that James saw was that it was getting foggy, and it was getting harder to breathe.

He started to get that same heavy feeling as he had moments before, as if someone was desperately trying to drag him to the center of the earth.

As soon as he reached forward to grab a towel to wipe his face, his vision was clouded with black fog, no longer able to see anything.

He began to panic, not knowing what to do, but not wanting Reggie to find him passed out or something. He practiced his breathing, in and out, in and out.

He only had a few seconds to think until he could ignore the feeling no longer, all he could do was fall with a heavy sound as he heard footsteps frantically moving towards him.

“James?” was the last thing he heard before he slipped out of consciousness.