Chapter 2
Sirius sat alone in the empty room with no intent to leave. The room perfectly reflected the emptiness in his head and heart, where Remus's love was missing
He had lost the most important person in his life and he could not believe it. He sat there for hours, staring blankly at the wall and drowning in his mind. Thousands of thoughts flooded him like a flood and didn't let him breathe
Even if if Sirius trying, he couldn't stop feel the emptiness and debilitating guilt that engulfs him. He couldn’t even think clear it was one big mess in his mind.
Why I have to ruin everything?! Why couldn't I be happy with Remus?!
This really loud thought she didn't give him peace and poisoned him from the inside. Knowing that if he hadn't pulled that stupid prank, he and Remus would still be in a relationship, blew Sirius brain to atoms
This is it… this is the end. This is the fucking end.
It felt like his life was suddenly over. He felt like there was an infinity void in his chest where Remus used to be. Remus was the one who made sense of Sirius, as was James. Now Sirius had lost both of them and even Peter. He felt like this was it for him, the light and the hope in his life were gone, and now he was truly alone.
I really ruined everything…
That thought echoed in his head just as other thoughts did, all of them painful and cruel just like reality felt. Sirius had no one left that he loved, and no one loved him. He ruined his relationship with Remus and his friendship with James. He ruined the marauders. Just like he ruined everything with his little brother before. He ruined everything that was important to him
Why it's here so empty? Why I feel so fucking empty?
More questions in Sirius's mind left unanswered. The emptiness that filled every corner of his heart made him feel completely numb. He had finally lost everyone he could ever love. He lost so much that he practically lost himself.
Who am I now anyway? Who the hell have I become? Am I like my family, like every Black?
It was an even worse feeling, the fear that he had become what he was always afraid of becoming, that he was just like his mother. That he only thought about himself and destroyed everything in his path
"No..." Sirius said in a quiet voice. He had heard himself speak but the words hadn't really made sense. He wasn't like his family, even though he had just destroyed everything in front of him. He wouldn't allow himself to ever become like the rest of them, even if it was his biggest fear and it seemed like it was already happening.
He needed to fix this. He needed to find a way to fix this but there was no way, there was nothing he could do to fix it, no matter how much he wanted to. But he had no idea how to do this.
But how the hell can I fix it? What if James, Peter and Remus are right? What if I can't fix it?
That thought made him terrified. If he really couldn't fix it. If this really was the end. If there is no way to clean up the mess he has made, to repair the damage he has caused. Then he didn't know what would happen to him.
I ruined everything I ever had. My biggest fears came to life and I made them happen myself and for what?
The thoughts continued flooding into his mind, the guilt and the regret eating at him, crushing his mind and his heart. He couldn't blame anyone else for turning his life into dust overnight, because of one stupid decision.
It's not fair that I lost everything because of one mistake, it's not fair that I hurt Remus when I didn't want to. It's not fair that everyone I care about treats me like an enemy.
It all seemed unfair to him, he had not done anything wrong on purpose and yet the consequences were worse than anything he had ever felt before. It was definitely worse than every punishment he ever had. He would rather have a thousand of the most fashionable barriers in the world. He would rather be tortured by his mother with cruccio even all day long.
It felt like his entire world had suddenly become a cruel unjust place. It felt like every moment that passed was just torture to him and he saw no way in which it would improve.
I should have just chosen to be alone, I could have avoided all of this if I just never started caring for people.
There were so many regrets in his mind at the moment and they all made him hate himself even more. It wasn't fair how all the people that he loved the most suddenly became people who would not want to be anything to do with him.
I should never have been born, then I wouldn't hurt anyone. I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!
He thought silently in his head but the words still felt as though they had been screamed through his mind. He couldn't think of a single reason for him to have existed. He had hurt so many people, caused so much pain and chaos that it would have just been more sensible if he had never been born.
If I hadn't been born, then all these problems wouldn't have happened. Then I wouldn't have hurt Remus, then I wouldn't have ruined the marauders.
His entire existence was a problem for him. He felt that he was the problem of the whole world. Because if he never existed, Remus wouldn't suffer. He would never feel betrayed by someone he gave his heart to. James and Peter would also have a better life without him. If Sirius hadn't been born, everyone would have been happier. Regulus would certainly feel better as an only child than as a child abandoned by his brother, who, when he left, took out all his anger in a quarrel with him and never apologized.
I should have just avoided any kind of close relationship. I should never have contact with people. I ruin everything for everyone. I ruin my own life and ruin everyone else's life as well. I'm just a problem and nothing more.
The regret and the guilt ate at him. He had become the pain in everyone’s life. No one wanted anything to do with the person he had become and even if he had never wanted to hurt anyone, he had caused all this, he was the problem with everything. It was always him and his mind that were the problem. His control problems, hasty and immature decisions and the constant desire to control, to prove that he can do anything led him to the point where he became a battle tank crushing everyone in his path.
"It's all my fault. It's only my fault. I'm the one to blame. I'm guilty of ruining Remus heart. I'm guilty of everything" He said these words aloud, he could no longer remain silent with this Armageddon in his mind
He couldn’t see any way to escape from this mindset of guilt. The blame that he placed on himself was too much for him to handle. Every problem that had been caused was his fault, it was his actions that had lead to this outcome and there was no way to deny it.
Sirius was aware that he had ruined everything, he would never forgive himself for this and he would never be able to move on from this moment. He was broken. The pain was something he could not escape, something he could not recover from.
I will never forgive myself for what has happened. I don't deserve to forgive myself, how can I? He asked himself mentally, the guilt was crushing and there was just no escape.
There was no hope for anything in his future now, no hope for another relationship, no hope from making up with anyone, no hope for anything.
I ruined everything and can't fix it. I don't deserve another chance.
"I don't deserve love and friendship! I never deserved it! I never deserved Remus and James!" He shouted, getting up from the ground to run towards the wall and start punching it.
As he continued to do that, his mind started to spiral. The crushing feeling that he didn't deserve anything, that everything good had happened to him.
I don't deserve love or happiness. I don't deserve any kind of kindness from anyone. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve anything.
He felt like he was screaming from the bottom of his soul, like his soul was completely crushed.Just like he crushed the skin on his knuckles, tearing them until they bled when he was hitting the wall with his fists
I only deserve pain. I deserve a lot of pain. I deserve more pain than anyone else. I deserve all the pain of the world.
"I ruined everything. I am the bad guy, it's all my fault." He continued repeating words even as his fists continue to tear into his knuckles and he feels pain but it could not compare to the pain that he felt in his heart.
I don't deserve anything good. I deserve pain, I deserve suffering and I deserve regret. I deserve this, I have earned all this and more.
The tears falling down his cheeks mixed with the blood on his knuckles. He felt so alone and hurt and there was no one to tell him everything would be okay.
All I deserve to feel is pain and suffering, and all I have left to do is embrace it.
"Just let me feel the pain and misery I deserve. I should suffer for every second of my existence" he said this out loud, not paying attention to the damage he was doing to his body and mind. The only thing he cared about was punishing himself, punishing himself for everything that he had done and giving himself the fate he felt he deserved for his actions.
Maybe then, if he suffered enough, it would ease the pain in his heart just a little bit. Sirius moved away from the wall and started looking around the floor for his wand. He needed more pain to punish himself, definitely more.
His vision was blurry from the tears and he couldn't even hold his breath without struggling. But he found his wand, it was on the floor, and his eyes suddenly focused on it. He was trying to not to think but he couldn't.
You deserve the pain. You're the worst monster. You are worthless. You destroyed everything. You hurt Remus. You are unimaginably terrible.
Once again, Sirius was back in a dark place, his thoughts and his feelings were overwhelming him.
There is a curse that will give you the pain you deserve. Cruccio, two simple syllables. Come on, you want to do it. You deserve it.
A voice in his head encouraged him but Sirius hesitated as he held his wand. He had never used unforgivable curses before. Now he wanted to do it on himself
“No..no, I don't want to do it. I don't want to use it" he tried to convince himself but there was a part of him that couldn't say no to that voice
You can do it. You have to do it. You are Black, it's in your blood. You deserve to be punished and now your mother or anyone else isn't here to do it so you have to do it yourself
That voice in Sirius's head was ruthless, but also persuasive. Sirius knew that voice was right. He knew that he deserved punishment for what he had done, that he deserved pain.
The voice in his head was right in the end. Everything his mother said was right because he really was just a bad person.
He didn't try to fight the urge anymore, he stopped trying to suppress it. He allowed himself to do it and pointed the wand at himself.
"Crucio" he whispered the word and tried his hardest not to look away.
He focused on the pain he felt and even though he was trying to feel as much pain as possible the curse was just strong enough to cause him a lot of pain but not strong enough to completely take over his mind to make him suffer to his very core.
To cause unimaginable pain to someone, you have to want it very much with all your will. The more you want to hurt someone, the stronger the spell
He remembered his mother's next words when she explained to him how the Crucciatus Curse worked. Sirius now tried to use this knowledge. He focused on all the hatred he had for himself and the desire to inflict pain on himself that would be enough to what he deserved.
He tried to focus every bit of hatred he had for himself and every desire to inflict pain on himself into the spell and the curse, his body started to tremble but in the end he succeeded.
Pain I deserve
His body started to experience a pain that was unbearable, that strong that all his muscles began to fail and in consequence he fell.
I'm weak, so fucking weak
Sirius was now lying on the ground, writhing in pain, crying, and constantly pointing his wand at him, almost touching his body. He felt as if each of his bones had been broken many times, or even crushed into pieces. He felt as if his body had been cut and burned, and his muscles hurt mercilessly, worse than after any training.
He could not speak, not even a single sound came out of his mouth. He was just lying on the ground, in this awful pain, trying not to pass out from everything. His eyes were closed as tears continued to spill down his cheeks and he continued to feel the most extreme pain he had ever felt in his entire life at the same time.
It was stronger than when his mother had cast that spell on him, definitely stronger. But Sirius had control over it, at least theoretically. He could have simply pushed the wand away from him at any time and ended the spell
The pain he felt was awful and he knew he was doing it to himself. He could have ended this any moment but the thought of stopping hurt him even more than this so he endured the pain and continued.
He knew this pain wasn't enough, that this wasn't enough punishment for everything he had done. So he put all his hate and resentment in this curse, trying to feel more pain and even more pain. He was punishing himself, and would not stop until he felt enough.
The pain was beyond any limits he knew, more and more. He felt like he was burning alive, like he was exploding from the inside, as the pain also spread to his organs and he felt it in his stomach, lungs, liver... He reached the point where he was no longer able to cry
His mind went blank, the pain was too much for him to handle. He wanted more, but he physically couldn't take anymore. His breath came out as gasps, he couldn't breathe even if he had wanted to. Nothing was worth this much pain.
But I have to feel more pain. I haven't had enough, I'm still not paying back for what I did.
He didn't realize that his body couldn't take any more pain. Before he knew it, he lost consciousness. And so the spell was broken when Sirius' brain went into emergency mode
The last thought that went through his mind before he lost consciousness was, that it wasn't enough. But it definitely wasn't true. It took some time for Sirius' body to recover enough to wake him up.
He didn't know how long he was unconscious. As he opened his eyes, he felt his head spinning and he felt pain throughout his whole body, but not the same kind of pain that was caused by the Cruciatus Curse.
His body felt broken and his mind was hazy. He felt a migraine shooting through his head and severe stomach pain and the feeling he's going to throw up.
Sirius felt like he was going to vomit, like the first time his mother threw cruccio on him when he was thirteen. This situation was very similar, the same pain and nausea, and the same fear that he was too weak to handle it.
This is my punishment for everything. But it wasn't enough.
He didn't realized that he had crossed a line with this curse, it was unforgivable. He had really done something bad to himself.
His stomach twisted inside and he knew what he was going to do. He tried hard not to throw up but he couldn't stop it, he threw up just from the amount of pain and disgust and guilt for what he had caused himself.
He felt pathetic and helpless, the room of requirement magically cleaned itself and created a sink and a towel. Sirius took advantage of this and washed his face with cold water and then dried himself off.
The room was always somehow very comforting. But the thought that he had gone too far finally hit him, he had punished himself more than he should have and the room knew it.
This is too much, I still want more but it's too much to take. I have to stop this otherwise I'll be completely crazy and I'll completely lose my mind.
One common sense thought entered Sirius' mind. But very quickly he began to question her. Even if he still felt the effects of the curse, he didn't think it was enough. He wanted to do it again and again and again.
I'm already punished enough, my mind is already broken, I don't need to feel any more pain. It's enough, I just want to feel nothing. I just want to be at peace..
The effect of the curse were still lingering and he couldn't think of anything except the same thing, the urge to hurt himself again
I did something bad, the worst thing I've done could do. I ruined everything in my life. I should punish myself more.
And here he was again. He spun around as if on a carousel, moving from one thought to another and then back to the first
I don't think I can stop now, or can I? Is this the point where my mind breaks? Have I crossed the line and now there is no way back?
Sirius he wondered if he had already started to losing his mind and if it was possible to stop it at all. But he wasn't sure if he even wanted to stop it, even if he was able to.
What difference does it really make? I'm broken beyond repair anyways, nothing can fix me. I might as well keep punishing myself and punishing myself until I have nothing left to lose.
Even the thought of punishing himself for what he felt he deserved sent shivers down his spine. He just wanted to keep punishing himself but part of his consciousness still felt like this was wrong and he shouldn't be doing this to himself.
There is a limit to everything, even to pain. I can't keep going. I have to stop.
The thought in his mind stopped him this time because he knew it was right and he tried to ignore the urge he was feeling. His mind was split in two, one which was sane and one that pushed him to hurt himself more.
No, don't do it again. You already did it, you can't do more because it's not going to help you. you'll just destroy yourself with this.
He was speaking again, Sirius's reason, or rather the very damaged remnants of his reason. He didn't want to listen to that reason
If I've already lost my mind or never had one, I can't lose it any more. And even if I lose my mind, it doesn't fucking matter cause I have lost everything that is important to me
He couldn't see the difference, he didn't care anymore if he would completely lose his mind because everything was already lost, everything that was worth it was gone and he had caused it to disappear.
Sirius briefly analyzed the risk and then ignored it. He took his wand and cast the Crucciatus curse on himself again. He tortured himself until he lost consciousness, then he slowly regained some of his physical strength but he was drowning in his mind again and then he was screaming "cruccio" again, pointing his wand at himself. He repeated the entire cycle six times until he no longer had the strength to get up from the ground.
The last round of pain that he felt was worse than anything he had experienced so far. It was the worst one he had put himself through out of all of them. And he finally realized what he had just done to himself, he couldn't move, couldn't talk, and couldn't think.
He was a complete mess, completely weak and helpless, just a shadow of who he used to be.
Sirius couldn't move, couldn't do anything. He just lay on the ground as if paralyzed, or maybe he was. He suddenly realized that he no longer felt physical pain. He couldn't feel his body at all. He couldn't move in any way, not even with his fingers.
He had tortured himself for several hours, putting an amount of pain through his nerves that they had never had to run through his body before. It's obvious that it was too much for the nerve cells and they finally shut down to be able to regenerate
The thought was terrifying, that the body didn't allow him to feel anything anymore because the pain had already reached limits and the damage was done.
He could not feel the floor beneath him, he could not feel the room around him, and he could not even feel his own body. He was paralyzed in more ways than one. He could not even speak and he didn't know what to do, he could only stare at the ceiling.
The Room of Requirement had created a bed beneath him, but Sirius couldn't even notice the change in the surface he was lying on. The hard floor and soft mattress felt no different when he couldn't feel.
The only thing that he could actually sense was the darkness of the room, or at least that's what he thought. He didn't know if his eyes were open or closed but in all honesty it didn't make a big difference, he was seeing nothing anyway.
His mind was empty and he couldn't think of anything, he couldn't feel the slightest change around him. As if he was in nothingness, a complete void beyond time and space.
Time was meaningless here. He did not know how long he had been there or if there was even space at all. Sirius felt absolutely nothing except this complete and total void surrounding him, which he felt with his consciousness. But he wasn't even sure if his consciousness was still alive. Was he still living, was he still a person?
He had no idea and didn't even need to know. It didn't matter to him whether he was dead or out of his mind. All that mattered was that he finally didn't feel anything except some kind of relief.
It was a relief but a strange one. He did not feel anything but he didn't feel the need to feel anything either. This is how it will be now. There is nothing else. Just this emptiness. No feeling, no thoughts, just nothing.
It was oddly comforting, it felt relaxing in a way he thought he would never feel, not feeling and not wanting to feel anything at all.
Finally, not tormented by any mental or physical pain, he fell asleep. He could easily fall asleep without any problem and didn't even notice this moment. It was like his body decided that everything was finally over. He didn't know how long he slept but when he woke up again he felt... Different.
He got up from the bed, actually tried to get up because he fell as soon as he got up into a sitting position. Sirius still felt weak and began to experience increasing pain in all his muscles. Despite everything, Sirius didn't regret it and he felt better although he still couldn't think clearly.
The moment he felt the pain again, he was brought back to reality. And while it was still hurting, there was something else... It was the guilt. The pain of regret came back but it was much worse than the usual pain he felt after a painful thought or memory.
It was the guilt and shame and a whole lot of emotions at once hitting him like a truck. He wanted to run away from them and hide somewhere, but he couldn't. They were there and they were all consuming and they wouldn't let him live in peace.
He couldn't escape the guilt, even hours of torture didn't really help. The did only for a little while, but now Sirius felt even worse than before. Everything that he had ever done wrong rushed to his mind all at once and he was consumed by it, it was the worst moment in his life.
He wanted to run away, he wanted to get away from the thoughts, the images, the guilt and the shame but he couldn't. It crushed him and he felt like he was the worst human being on earth.
Sirius was completely frustrated with the world. He began to blame the room of requirement for not helping him but worsening his mental condition even more. He wanted to run out of there, but he still had trouble getting out of bed
He hated that room, he hated how it had turned into a place where there is no escape and you can't even get better. He hated the world even more because it was cruel and it hurt and it made him feel so guilty.
No one likes me. I'm not a good person. Everyone hates me, I'm not good enough.
He kept repeating those thoughts in his mind. It was exhausting but it felt like they were true, felt like he had no choice but to believe them.
why I am like that
This all was back, that's all Sirius tried to escape from by hurting himself. It was inevitable. Sirius felt there were too many thoughts in their head, his head, their head.
Who the fuck am I? Am I even a person?
And all this ended up in denial as to whether Sirius is human at all. And they were no longer able to think of themself as human being. But they felt like a person, they just denied whether they could call themself that
It's me, I'm the problem. I always have been and always will be.
There was no escape from these thoughts. They finally got out of bed, but then it turned out that just standing on his feet was extremely difficult, let alone reaching the door. Fortunately, they moved towards him so that he grabbed the door handle in one move
Sirius held onto the door handle tight. Everything was so confusing to him, it felt like everything was spinning. They looked at their hand, it was trembling, and they hated it. He hated how his hands were shaking, but he couldn't control it and he couldn't stop it either.
I don't deserve to be anywhere, I'm so weak, I'm weak and helpless.
With that thought, Sirius opened the door and left the room of requirement, taking a step forward. Before they left, their wand reappeared in his hair, like the room gave him back his property.