Chapter 3
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Regulus was waiting outside the room of requirement, because he had an appointment with James there. Only Potter was late and he was late a lot. Regulus slowly began to believe that his secret lover would not show up. He wanted to leave when he saw the door to the room open. But it wasn't James who came out through it, but Sirius.
As Regulus was looking at his older sibling he stood in shock and his face became pale. He had never seen them in such a terrible state, he couldn't believe it. He had had no idea that this was going to happen. He was speechless and just looked at him not knowing what to do, how to help. He had never been good at handling such situations and he was unsure what he could do for Sirius that could help.
Sirius leaned against the wall to keep from falling. His muscles were still terribly weak and he felt like his legs were made of cotton wool. He looked at his younger brother, noticing the worry and even fear in his eyes.
"Reg.. I'm.. fine" Sirius said in a very weak voice, trying to convince himself. He wasn't fine and it definitely showed. He could barely stand, his eyes were red from crying, his hair was ruined and his skin was completely pale
"You're not fine, I can see it, I can see you're not fine." Regulus immediately came closer to him once he saw him leaning against the wall and he took the opportunity to steady him because he was afraid that he was going to fall.
"je vais bien" Sirius repeated in French this time, wanting to add some authenticity to his lie. They wanted to push their younger brother away from them, but they didn't have the strength
"Non, tu vas pas bien, tu as l'air très mal" Regulus noticed that he was using French instead of English to say he was fine and that made him even more concerned than before. "I'm taking you to the hospital wing"
"No!" Sirius protested strongly. It wasn't just that they didn't want help but it was more“Just not the hospital wing. Remus is there and I hurt him badly and he doesn't want to see me.. he doesn't want to know me.. I destroyed him.. I destroyed our relationship.." Sirius' voice cracked when they took another breath
Regulus couldn't believe what was happening right now, he would have never thought that this would happen. Sirius' eyes were red and puffy from crying and he was weak and shaky, he couldn't stand the sight of them like this.
"I'll take you to my dorm then, I can't leave you like this, I need to help you" he suggested.
"I don't deserve help" Sirius sighed "I ran away from home and left you alone, why would you want to help me?"
"Maybe because we're siblings?" Regulus looked at him confused and angry and sad at the same time. "I don't care what you did, you obviously need help now."
"But it doesn't change the fact that I was mean to you and that I left you and that I'm the worst brother in the world." Sirius whispered
"But you're my big brother and I love you and I can't just leave you like this, I don't care if you've done something to me, I care about you and I want to have you alive in my life"
"I'd certainly be better dead, than alive. In fact, while living, all I do is hurt those I care about the most."
"You don't have the right to decide that" Regulus held onto his sibling's shoulders firmly and he shook them a little bit to get them to realize what they had just said. "You're hurting me a lot more right now by saying those words, do you realize that? I can't just lose you like this"
"It wouldn't be a big loss, or actually none at all" Sirius rolled their eyes
"I'm done arguing with you" Regulus was at his wit's end, he couldn't handle this right now. "I'm taking you to my dorm and you're staying with me, at least until you better"
Sirius shocked their head "You have no right to decide for me. I'm not going.."
However the younger Black couldn't take no for an answer. He didn't want to argue anymore.
"Shut up, we're going to my dorm and that's it." He was being firm and he wasn't going to let Sirius resist.
Sirius wasn't going to give up. He had to get out somehow. They turned into black dog and started running away.
"GET BACK HERE" Regulus shouted after him and he was so surprised his sibling really did this now
Sirius still was weak even in their animagus form. He wasn't able to run far because his paws gave out. Regulus took advantage of this, caught up with the dog and took it into his arms.
"What do you think you're doing? Were you really going to try and run from me, from this?" Regulus asked as he held them tightly and he looked into their now dog's eyes. "We're not done yet, we're going to my dorm," he said firmly and he did it. He carried Sirius from their dog form to his dormitory.
Along the way, he felt a few surprised glances at him as he walked through the halls and then the Slytherin common room but he ignored them. Once he entered his dorm he closed the door behind him and placed Sirius on the bed. He sat down beside them and took their paws in his hands.
"I'm not going anywhere, you're staying with me whether you like it or not" he said firmly.
Sirius nodded. After a while, Regulus watched as the dog lying on the bed turned back into his sibling. But they quickly turned their heads, clearly avoiding eye contact.
Regulus wanted to be angry but he just couldn't. He could only feel pain and sadness as he looked at Sirius in that condition.
"Do you want some water?" He asked after a moment of silence, not knowing what to say or do anymore. He felt so powerless, so useless.
"What if your friends come here?" Sirius asked, looking at the two empty beds belonging to Barty and Evan.
"If they do, I'll just explain it all to them, they will understand" he said, trying to convince himself that they would understand but now he realised that he hadn't thought about that in the heat of the moment.
Sirius didn't seem convinced. "Maybe I'd better go back to the room of requirement, then I wouldn't disturb anyone."
"And would you hurt yourself again?" Regulus asked sarcastically "I hardly believe that you are so weak for no reason and your behaviour tells memuch. What have you done to yourself?"
"I didn't do anything to myself, I'm just tired..." Sirius said and didn't meet Regulus' eyes.
"You know that I know you're lying, right? I'll give you one chance only, tell me the truth" Regulus warned them
"Okay.. "Okay" Sirius sighed and rolled their eyes. "It was just one little curse..."
Regulus' eyes widened. He tried to stay calm, but it definitely wasn't easy. "What curse?"
Sirius could tell that this question made Regulus angry and he felt really ashamed but he couldn't lie anymore.
"The Cruciatus" they confessed. "I know it's unforgivable but I was in so much pain and I didn't know what to do and i couldn't bear it anymore"
Regulus was speechless. He couldn't believe Sirius had done this to himself. The thought that his brother actually put himself through that made him sick to his stomach.
"Why...?" he asked quietly
"I don't know... I... I just needed to feel nothing for a while... I couldn't handle myself or my pain and it was so overwhelming so I just wanted to feel nothing" they said, trying to hold back their tears.
"But why the Cruciatus out of all the curses?" Regulus kept his tone calm and he looked at Sirius as if trying to understand.
"Because I deserved to feel this pain, it was the only spell that was enough. But I still felt it wasn't enough, so I repeated it many times" Sirius said as if he were talking about something trivial and not about self-harm with an unforgivable spell
Regulus wanted to say something, maybe even shout at him but he stopped himself when he realized how absurd that would be. He knew that Sirius didn't need to be scolded. They clearly knew that this was wrong and that they didn't deserve his anger now but they needed help.
"Why... Why do you think that you deserve this?" he asked quietly, hoping that Sirius would be honest with him.
"Because I did something really terrible..." came the reply from his older sibling "I'm a fucking idiot... I thoughtlessly hurt my Moony... I really didn't want to but I did it..."
Regulus had guessed that was the reason but he still had to be sure. He took a deep breath before speaking again "Did he forgive you?" he asked.
"He didn't" Sirius shocked their head "He said a lot of horrible but true things and ended our relationship. He said he couldn't fix what I had done, that I had broken his heart.."
"He said that you had broken his heart?" Regulus was confused, he didn't understand the dynamic between them right now at all. "Did he really say that YOU broke HIS heart?" Regulus repeated, more shocked than ever.
"He said exactly 'I trusted you I gave you my heart and you broke it in an instant. How can anything go back to normal after this?' And then he mentioned a few more times about breaking or hurting his heart, ruining it, or juicing it"
"He... That's just..." Regulus felt his blood boiling.
"Are you telling me that Remus Lupin thinks that it's your fault that you ruined everything? I don't know what you guys argued about, but he has no right to blame you for everything."
"Reggie.." Sirius sighed very hard and took a deep breath "Remus is right that I ruined everything. I didn't want to, but I did it"
"The fact that you didn't want to means that you just made a mistake, everyone does! Why does he act like you're to blame?" Regulus was so angry and he just didn't understand this logic, no matter how hard he tried.
"I betrayed him. I betrayed my Moony. It wasn't cheating on him but it was even worse" they replied with a lot of pain and guilt in their voice "I betrayed his trust. I used him for a stupid prank and exposed him to danger or he would become a murderer if James didn't safe a day. Snape knows now because of me and that's the worst, because if he tells Remus' secret, it will destroy his life"
"Wait..." Regulus just managed to put the pieces together. "Did you tell Snape about Remus' secret?! Do you.. Why?" he felt more anger rise up inside him when he realized there was a full moon the day before "You brought Severus Snape to the Shrieking Shack when Remus transformed!? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"I..." sirius started but couldn't say anything, his eyes filled with shame and guilt once again. His entire body was shaking and he seemed like he was about to cry again. "I... I had no idea that.."
Regulus cut him off "You had no idea about what would happen, is that it?!"
"I'm not a fucking clairvoyant, Regulus! How the fuck was I supposed to predict what was going to happen?!" Sirius began to defend himself aggressively even though he knew how pointless it was and they knew it was their fault.
"You don't have to be a clairvoyant to predict the consequences of your actions. You just need to know how to use your fucking brain" Regulus growled
"I KNOW THAT" Sirius couldn't stop himself from shouting back at their younger brother. "I wasn't thinking about the consequences when I did it, I didn't think.."
"Obviously you didn't think" Regulus interpurted them once again"And now, because of your stupid actions, Snape is going to expose Remus' secret to everyone which in the end is going to ruin his life. Does this make you happy? Does this fill you with joy??" He didn't wait for Sirius' answer "Do you know what's going to happen after Snape tells everyone Remus is a freaking werewolf?"
Sirius flinched as he saw Regulus yelling at him again and again. He felt guilty and ashamed and there was no denying it, he had screwed up badly and he knew it.
"You mean... People are going to find out about his condition? About him being a werewolf?" He was afraid that the answer would be what he thought it was.
"If Snape tells them, yes, they will find out. Someone may believe him or want to check it, so Severus must be stopped quickly" Regulus replied this time not shouting but still in a nervous tone "I will catch him and force him to silence and you stay here"
"Wait..." Sirius said, his eyes widening. "You're going to catch Snape... now? You want to find and face Severus Snape on your own?"
"Yes I do" Regulus confirmed "I know where he might be and I know more about him than you think. I know how to play it. Don't disturb me and just sit here until I come back"
"I... I..." Sirius still felt too shaken by this whole situation to come up with a proper response. He didn't want to anger Regulus again so he decided it was best to stay silent.
He nodded as Regulus left his dorm and closed the door behind himself. Regulus had decided to go catch Snape on his own and Sirius was too exhausted to try and stop him.