Chapter 1
"What I did yesterday was not my intention to hurt anyone." Sirius tried to somehow explain the events of the end the previous day. "I really didn't want it to turn out this way. It was just supposed to be a prank and not dangerous.. I didn't think it could be..."
"What did you think was going to happen? He wouldn’t just turn into a werewolf, have everyone laugh it off and then go back to our normal lives. I swear, you don’t think-" James voice was quiet but sharp as he spoke to Sirius’ back, who was standing and watching wall in their dorm
"You're right, I didn't think about it, I didn't know it would turn out this way..” Sirius sighed, still not looking at his best friend afraid to make eye contact "I swear I didn't want Moony to get hurt in any way..."
James walked behind him and then suddenly grabbed his arms, turning him to face him and getting straight into his face, his hands gripping harder.
"That’s the entire problem. You never think! You don’t think about your actions and you definitely do not think about me or Remus! You don't think about anyone who is not fukcing you!" His hands tightened and the knuckles on his hands turned white.
Sirius’ breath shook slightly at the sudden burst of anger. His face still had no clear emotion - whether it was fear, shock or sadness was hard to tell.
"Hit me, curse me, Beat me, whatever you want, I deserve it" Sirius said again avoiding eye contact and looking away "But please... Don't tell Remus what I did... I'm begging you..."
"Look at me and listen' James said in sharp tone "I won't hit you or curse you. As long as you are in this school, I want no part of it with you. And I won't let you hurt Remus again. I'm not going to lie to him and I'll tell him the whole truth as soon as I feel better and get out of the hospital wing"
When James said he wouldn't let Sirius hurt Remus "again", Sirius' body stiffened and his breath caught briefly. He felt his eyes water when he heard this and his throat swelled as he tried not to panic.
"Wait...Again?" Sirius' voice was faint as he stared back the James. "What do you mean 'again'?"
"And what the hell you thought?!" James asked trying his hardest to nit lose control "You're so stupid if you can't see how bad you've hurt Remus with this fucking prank! You literally used him as a weapon and thing to your prank! You almost made him kill a human!"
Sirius’ breath came out in a rush just as his mind had registered James’ words, and he suddenly realized the full extend of his actions. The consequences.
"I-...I..." He faltered before swallowing back a sob. With his hands trapped in James' grip, he looked down again, his body feeling like it was in the midst of breaking apart. He could feel the tears spilling down his cheeks now, a tight heat in his stomach made it hard to swallow. He choked out the words again. "I'm sorry..."
James slowly loosened his grip and took a few steps away from Sirius, looking at him with contempt and disgust. "It's too late to apologize" he said and turned towards the door
"James please wait... please don't leave me.." Sirius begged as tears fell from his cheeks, he had never felt so guilty and helpless "I'm really sorry... very sorry.. I didn't want to hurt anyone.. I didn't mean to hurt Remus.. I love him.. Please don't tell him.. I'm begging you.. give me the last chance.. I will change I promise”
James’ heart twinged at Sirius’ sudden plea, but he fought through it and didn’t turn to face his friend. For the first time in his life he felt true contempt for him, but he wasn’t going to let himself forget it.
"I’m afraid you’ve had too many of those already" James said in a voice colder than Sirius had ever heard. He took another step towards the exit.
Sirius felt like he was falling to pieces. Little helpless pieces of despair and he had only himself to blame. Nobody forced him to do the prank, no one pushed him. Everything that happened was his fault, it was his idea. The worst idea he ever had.
"James.. I'm begging you.. Prongs.." Sirius tried again, he didn't want to give up. He just didn't want to accept that he had lost a best friend and was about to lose his boyfriend
For a moment the name ‘Prongs’ did something strange to James, making him think of the past and how much things had changed, but he took in a shaky breath and turned around without making eye contact - as much as he hated himself, he did not want to see his friends pain.
"I’m not that person anymore, Sirius" James said quietly "I don’t think I ever was and I certainly won’t be again. The Marauders just felt apart and this is your fault.' With that he finally left the room and Sirius was left alone in the empty dorm.
"James I'm begging! I'm begging you!!" Sirius shouted trying to stop him but it was all in vain. James left, leaving him alone. Sirius was completely devastated and sat on the ground leaning against the door and started crying
Sirius’ tears soon turned into dry sobs
With his legs tucked in to his chest, he looked around the room around him, feeling the full range of emotions all at once. He realized he was on his own, that nothing could change what had happened. If he was going to be alone, then this is what he deserved.
Loneliness was what Sirius hated the most, when before escaping from his Hause he was locked in his room as punishment, he often just went crazy, talking to himself and to things around him. The thought of losing his friends was his worst nightmare
The fear took over him before he felt a pang of pain in his heart, as if his grief was crushing it - he was losing the thing he had always he valued the most, the people he cared about. James hated him now and Remus would hate him as soon as he found out from James what Sirius had done.
The thought of Remus hearing from anyone other than him made him feel guilty, he hated the thought of him finding out from someone else. He had to talk to him, explain to him that it wasn't his intention and he was so sorry. But if James told Remus what he had done then he would blame him even before he heard his side, and he didn't know if he would even have the chance to talk to him.
It would be best if Remus never found out that possibly the most traumatic event in his life was the result of a joke by his stupid boyfriend who didn't know what he was doing. Or better yet, if Sirius could turn back time. The only thing he wanted now was to go back in time, to undo everything he had done, but he couldn't. He knew that he must accept that there was a good chance that his relationship with Remus may be over before he can explain himself and the fear of what would happen was eating away at him.
After a moment, the door opened so Sirius stood up and move, then Peter walked in. Sirius looked up at him, his eyes puffy and red from crying.
"Peter" Sirius muttered in a low voice, his voice shaky. They hadn’t spoke since the prank and he was unsure of what Peter’s reaction would be.
Peter didn't say anything, he was just looking at Sirius how he looked at the marauders' enemies with a mixture of disgust and fear
"Peter please.. You know that I wasn't hurt anyone.. I'm so sorry.. really sorry.." Sirius mumbled through tears, looking at him, hoping that maybe he would understand
Peter hesitated for a moment, looking down at the tears that fell down Sirius’ cheeks and then back at his swollen eyes. Then his expression darkened.
"Sorry?" he asked sharply "Do you think sorry will fix everything? That you’ll say sorry and it’ll suddenly be okay?" Peter was so angry at this point, he could barely breathe.
Sirius felt his last hope leaving him. Even Peter hated him now. Peter, who never took sides in any argument and always stayed on the sidelines, now stood against Sirius and it hurt.
"I'm sorry..." Sirius repeated aimlessly "I really have no idea how to fix it.. I really want to fix it.. I need to fix it.. I never wanted to hurt Remus.. I love him.. I really love him.." Tears streamed down Sirius's cheeks as he spoke, his voice still trembling
"You love him?" Peter said with a laugh, "How can you claim to love him when you never even thought about how he would be affected? Is this what you do to people you love?"
"You should shut up cause you don't know what it means to love, and you will never know" Sirius growled, attacking in defense. Peter's hint of aromaticity was definitely vile, but so were Peter's words "I love Remus I love him the most of the world and I wouldn't done what i did if I knew it gonna hurt him"
"I don't know what it means to love? I don't know what it means to love?" Peter's voice rose to a shout as he took a step closer to Sirius, making Sirius scoot back away from him, "You have no idea what I feel, and you have no idea what love is! Love means to care for someone, to think about them mor than about yourself and you have never done that! You've never put someone first because your damn ass has to be there. You only love yourself, no one else"
Sirius’ mouth fell open in shock. Peter, one of his least aggressive friends had now lost it completely. Peter’s words hit him, they shattered his heart into millions of pieces. He had never once thought about that, but now it was clear to him. He had never considered his actions effect the people he claimed to love. In his stupidity and ignorance he had only ever been there for himself and the realization filled him with guilt and regret.
"I don't only think about myself... I'm not selfish.." Sirius tried to defend himself again, but he no longer believed in his words "I didn't think through what I did, but that doesn't mean I don't love Remus. I love him and I didn't want to hurt him... You know that I love him... I have shown it to him many times, and you have also witnessed it not once.."
Peter shook his head and looked at Sirius the way adults look at children when they say something stupid "Even if I don't feel romantic love, I know what it is and what it isn't. Love is not about gifts, kisses, tender words or letting someone fuck you. Everything you did for Remus was just an illusion of love. If you really loved him you wouldn't hurt him"
Sirius stiffened at the harsh truths Peter threw at him. He had always taken comfort in his love and affection for Remus but now it all seemed to crumble.
He felt empty inside and suddenly ashamed as he considered his actions. He didn't like to think of himself as selfish but now Peter was telling him, straight to his face that he was. His relationship with Remus had always felt secure and happy, but now he just saw the flaws, now he realized that he had not been present in the relationship, he had never truly been present.
"I know I've hurt Remus.. But I didn’t mean it!” Sirius said more sharply than he would have liked to. “I only wanted to scare Snape…"
"But you did hurt him" Peter said without faltering "you should have known from the start that there was always a risk. It wasn’t just about you and Snape."
"I know it now, but I didn't know it then.." Sirius sighed, trying to calm down and think clearly, although he wasn't sure if he could think anymore. "There has to be a way to fix this..."
"Maybe there's no way because the hurt you've caused is too much. If the item is damaged thoroughly, no spell will repair it" Peter said without emotion and walked to Remus' trunk and started packing the necessary things into the bag
Sirius swallowed back a choke of a cry at the reminder that Remus may potentially never forgive him. He was starting to think Peter was right, that the damage might be irreversible.
"I just want him to forgive me…" he said in a trembling voice "I just want him to not hate me…"
"And I want you to shut up. There's no point in talking to you because you won't understand." Peter didn't even look at Sirius, he was busy with the task he was doing. Sirius felt even worse watching this. He was usually the one who packed Remus's things for his stay in the hospital wing and he was always with his Moony at full moon
"Can I come with you?" Sirius asked Peter pleadingly, watching his movements and completely ignoring what he said. "Please let me see him and be with him, let me apologize to him, let me explain, make it right before James tells him..."
"No" Peter replied in a flat tone. Although he still wasn't really looking directly at Sirius, he could feel the anger burning in his eyes.
"Please.. I'm begging you.. Wormtail.." there was a lot of desperation in Sirius's voice
"You have done enough, and you've caused enough harm. You won't be the one to help him heal" Peter began to roll a bundle of Remus' clothes in a sheet, tying it up with string.
"I don't fucking care what you think about this" Sirius didn't want to hear it, it was too much for him. He just wanted to fix the mistake, he wanted to talk to Remus and he was going to do it. "I'm going to my moony and you can't stop me" He said firmly i He moved rapidly towards the door and ran out without thinking
"You think that if you act angry enough I'll suddenly cave in to you?" Peter yelled, furious And he ran after Sirius to grab him by the arm and force him to stop "I'm not going to let you ruin Remus more than you have already! You're done! Do you hear me! You're not going near him!"
"Of course I'm going to Remus, and you better not fucking interfere" Sirius hissed through his teeth and tried to break free from Peter's grip, and when that didn't work, he took stronger steps. With his free hand, he pulled the wand out of his hair and placed it against Peter's throat “Let me go or I will curse you"
Peter froze, suddenly terrified when he saw the wand pressed against his throat. He quickly let go of Sirius and backed away from him.
"Fine" he said in a trembling voice "Go, tell him whatever lies you need to in order to keep him loving you, I’m sure he’s too stupid to figure out otherwise" Peter tried to not let his fear show but his voice shook as he spoke.
"I don't think he's stupid, but I'm not going to give up on him and I want to make amends to him somehow" Sirius said to Peter as he left and then ran as fast as he could to the hospital wing. He walked in abruptly without knocking or hesitation
When Sirius saw James saying something to Remus, he acted on instinct "Petrificus Totals" he cast a spell on his best friend's back and didn't even flinch, watching James fall paralyzed to the ground but walked straight up to his Moony
Remus stared in utter shock at Sirius, who had his wand clenched tightly as he had been chanting a spell against their friend a few seconds earlier. Sirius looked tragic with messy hair, smudged makeup from crying and tears in his eyes
As James lay paralyzed to the ground, his mouth gaping open with shock and confusion, Remus stood frozen. His eyes were wide and shocked as he suddenly had to process it all. He could not believe what he was seeing and as he looked over at Sirius, in his eyes the shock was mixed anger and kind of fear.
"What have you done?" he whispered in a trembling voice, not taking his eyes off the wand that Sirius was holding.
"He will be fine, this spell doesn't last long" Sirius said breathing heavily. He tried to streamline what he had done to James "I just wanted to talk to you... I really love you Moony, I love you very much... more than anything in the world... you are everything to me... I would literally die without you... I never wanted to hurt you.. I love you all my heart, I love you Remus.." He spoke through tears and grabbed Remus's hand
Remus blinked in shock at the way Sirius looked at him, there was so much desperation and fear in his eyes that he just stared at him in silent shock. He had never seen Sirius like this before - even in all the times he had been upset he had never seen him so broken.
"What are you talking about and why the hell did you petrify James?! What happened?!" Remus didn't even notice that his voice was raised. He had no idea what was happening and why his boyfriend was acting like he was possessed. Sirius realized that James hadn't told the truth yet
As Remus yelled, Sirius jumped, realizing that James hadn’t yet told Remus the truth. His heart started racing as he realized he had to tell Remus the truth now or else he was going to lose him. Live in the illusion that if she talks to her boyfriend, he will forgive him and everything will work out. He didn't realize that it was over. It was a no-win situation, checkmate.
"I’m sorry…" he began "I-" but he was cut of by Remus’ yell.
'Tell me the goddamn truth, now!" Remus demanded, his face still full of shock and confusion.
"I'll say fine, but please, promise me you won't hate me.." Sirius said, begging even though he knew he had no right to ask for this. He was so desperate that he was hanging on at every straw
The desperation in Sirius’ voice made Remus’ stomach twist. He knew what Sirius was about to say and he wanted to hate him, he needed to hate him but now seeing him beg for his forgiveness he didn’t feel like he ever could hate him.
"Just tell me and I promise I will not hate you" Remus whispered. It might not be true that he would ever forgive him, but for now it was the only thing they could do.
Sirius took a few breaths and closed his eyes before speaking quickly and incoherently "Snape started sniffing with his long nose... I wanted to scare him and keep him away, so I told him how to crossing the Whomping Willow.. I didn't know it would turn out like this, I thought you would be transformed and he would run away quickly, but he saw the transformation and James saved him because you wanted to hurt him..."
Remus froze when he heard Sirius’ confession. He hadn’t expected it to go down to this way but hearing it now - hearing the words spoken out loud hit him like a train. His heart immediately pounded in his ears and he felt like he wanted to vomit.
"You told Snape - you told Snape, you knew what would happen to me and you told him regardless." Remus said with a trembling voice, he didn’t know how to react now and it was making him furious.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear.." Sirius said pleadingly. He saw the disgust in Remus' eyes and felt his world falling apart. He didn't know how he could hope that Remus would forgive him, what he did was unforgivable. It was like he threw a cruccio on Remus' heart
Remus felt like he was losing control. He never wanted to believe that Sirius would hurt him, even in an accident. As their relationship grew, Remus had begun to believe that no matter what, Sirius would never do anything to hurt him, but that was no longer true now.
"I trusted you" Remus muttered as his eyes started to glaze over with tears "I loved you and trusted you and this is how you pay me back?"
Sirius could feel his heart beating out of his chest now, he felt so much guilt and self-hatred that it felt impossible to breathe.
"Look at me" Remus demanded. The pain in his voice made Sirius want to turn away but there was no choice. Remus wanted him to see the pain and betrayal in his eyes.
"Moony I'm begging you, don't look at me this way" Sirius asked shrilly seeing the expression on his beloved face "I really didn't want it to turn out this way, I'm begging you... one little mistake can't ruin everything between us"
"You think this is a little mistake?" Remus said, "I trusted you; I gave you my heart and you broke it in an instant. How can anything go back to normal after this?"
"I didn't broke your heart, I never cheated on you, I always trying my best.. It not my fault that I come from a dysfunctional family and I've never been loved before.. I love you all my heart and I will never stop.." Sirius feel like crying again
"It doesn't matter if you've never been loved before, I loved you and I would have shown you what it means to be loved if you had let me, but you chose to destroy everything because it was just that much easier than trusting me." Remus said coldly
"Why do you use the past tense?" Sirius asked with pain in his voice, a kind of pain he had never felt before "Did you really stop loving me because I accidentally hurt you? You know I didn't really mean it, you know I still love you very much" His voice was mixed with tears
"I don't want to stop loving you but after this I think that I have to" Remus said, his voice sounding colder every second.
"You can't change what you did and no matter what you say I just cannot forgive you for betraying me like this."
"Does this mean its over?" Sirius asked in a shaky and scared voice, he couldn't even understand why he was scared. He had caused this but he was somehow still so scared to lose his relationship with Remus.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" Remus asked with clear rage in his voice "Did you expect us to still be in a relationship after you crushed my heart and squeezed the juice out of it?! Or did you think that apologies and pathetic declarations of love would fix everything you did?!"
"I- I-" Sirius said, his jaw tightening with each word that Remus was yelling at him. "I don't expect.." his own voice rising slightly. "But there has to be a way for us to make this work! I can fix it! I will fix it!"
"Sirius, you ruined my heart!" Remus shouted in response, looking at Sirius with less anger and more disappointment "You can't fix that"
"And you can just so easily forget about all the time we have spent together? We are suppose to just break up because of this? Please Remus, don’t do this. I can’t live without you!"
There was a desperation in Sirius’ voice and he had never sounded so pathetic, he didn’t even recognize himself right now but he didn’t want to lose Remus.
Remus’ eyes narrowed, and he opened his mouth to speak again. “You… you don’t know how hard this is for me, don’t you?” He whispered. “I trusted you, I gave you my heart and you tore it apart! I can’t just forget that this happened!”
He could feel that he was still angry but there was something different about the way he felt this time. He was not angry at Sirius anymore… he was just in pain.
Sirius couldn’t hold back his tears if he tried though he was definitely trying really hard. He was starting to panic now and the desperate pleas he was giving were turning more into frantic cries.
"Please just give me another chance! I would do anything to be with you, to make you happy, I need you! Please!"
"If you want to make me happy, leave and never show yourself in front of me again," Remus growled, looking at Sirius with hurt eyes.
Sirius’ heart seemed to literally stop in his chest when Remus said that. He needs to be kidding… this had to be a joke…
Sirius couldn’t understand how Remus could say such words to him. He started crying harder, feeling completely heartbroken. This couldn’t be the end.
"Please… please Remus, don’t do this! We’ve been through so much already, you can’t end us like this!"
"You're the last person who can tell me what I can and can't do." Remus said sternly and got out of bed to remove the spell from James, having no idea why he hadn't done it sooner. Sirius watched as Remus removed the spell from James. He was still in total shock, feeling like his entire world was crumbling.
"Remus… please.." he whispered, as he watched Remus tend to James. He needed some sign that this wasn’t going to end here.
"What the hell?" James asked when Remus he stilled him and helped him up, then looked at Sirius like he wanted to murder him "Did you lose your mind?!" He asked rhetorically
Sirius ignored James, who was looking at him with anger. He was waiting for Remus’ answer and right now that was all that mattered. He was counting on any change in Remus's attitude. Anything that would tell him this wasn’t over.
"Didn't I make it clear that you had to leave?!" Remus's tone was razor sharp and venomous like a viper or black magic poison. "Should I spell it for you or translate it into motherfuckers' language?" Remus had never spoken to Sirius like this before
Hearing Remus’ voice was like a dagger through Sirius’ heart. It broke his heart in ways he didn’t even think were possible. He felt like his heart was being ripped right out of his chest.
"Remus, please… please don’t be like this…" he whispered softly and pleadingly. He couldn’t believe that he had to beg for Remus’ forgiveness now.
James regained his strength after a while and went to Sirius "Remus told you to leave, so do it because no one wants you here." He said with hatred in his voice
Sirius tried to hold his ground but the way Remus was treating him was making him weak in body and spirit. He let out an exhale of frustration and sadness, trying not to burst into tears.
"Please.. just tell me what I can do to make up for this. Please…" he whispered one more time.
"I already told you," Remus growled, increasingly fed up with the fact that Sirius wasn't even listening to him now "Get out of here and don't try to talk to me again. Don't talk to me, don't look at me and preferably don't breathe. Just disappear from my life"
Sirius felt like someone had just ripped out his heart and stomped it on the ground. With a quiet whimper and tear streaming down his face, he slowly walked out of the room and started toward the door.
This was not the moment he wanted this to end but he was getting that it was the end all the same. When he left the hospital wing, all hope left him. He went to the room of requirement because he had no other idea where to go when he felt the most lonely anyway, he just lost his only one. The only one person he aver love doesn't want to know him, and it was only his fault.