Jess had come to the realization that she had made a very, very big mistake.
Almost three years ago, Jess had woken up not in her blond-bombshell body, but instead inside the body of a 10 year old orphan who lived in a cupboard under the stairs. Confusing, perhaps, and a bit sad at times (she could no longer communicate with her ever-devout cult, which was a tragedy), Jess somehow took it all in stride. She was Harry Potter now and she would find a way to make things work out for her.
First year was easy: she was sorted into Slytherin where she was able to psychologically torture the other snakes into becoming her willing servants. She even managed to pull a couple of 7YoC Harry stunts like stealing the Sorcerer’s Stone before Timmy got the chance and breaking Pansy’s wand when she became a bit too unbearable.
Second year she was able to expand the range of her dominion. The rampant rumors about her being the Heir of Slytherin allowed her to scare students in the other three houses into submission. She was practically the Queen of the school. It didn’t even matter that she summoned a rooster to kill the basilisk during Christmas break, the rumors and fear remained.
Now, it was the moment she’d been waiting for: third year. One of the most unfortunate results of being Harry Potter was the fact that she was almost constantly surrounded by children, and thus had no romantic prospects to speak of. No matter how longingly Fred Weasley (or Draco Malfoy, or Ron Weasley, or Luna Lovegood, or, well, any of the students, really) looked at her, she just couldn’t find even the remotest spark of interest for them. But this year was the year Sirius Orion Black broke out of Azkaban, and she was ready.
This man, a tattooed, tortured, motor-cycle riding, rebellious, smoking hot man was everything she had ever wanted, and she was ready for him. The very second she got the opportunity, she replaced Scabbers with a random rodent she’d stolen from a pet store (and if Ron ever questioned the change in temperament, coloring, and amount of toes, well, magic was a pretty good excuse in her books) so she was ready. With a flourish, Jess handed the rat to Dumbledore and explained that this was indeed Peter Petigrew, clearing Sirius Black’s name in the process.
Now, Sirius Black, cleaned up and looking as ruggedly attractive as ever, was standing in front of her. Slowly, he walked forward, clasping her shoulder and bringing her into a tight hug.
Jess could imagine everything they’d get up to—the romantic getaways, the snogging, the smoking, the drugs, the escapades, the sex, all of it—and a wide grin formed over her face. This was it. Her reward for putting up with being Harry Fucking Potter.
“Oh, prongslet,” Sirius Black murmured into her hair from above her, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here for you all these years. I’ll be the best godfather you could have, though. Don’t you worry.”
That… that gave Jess a bit of a pause. No matter what she looked like outwardly, she was an adult woman on the inside and most certainly did not need any parenting.
Jess pushed Sirius back gently (no need to damage the goods), then asked, “sorry, but what?”
“Well,” Sirius began, his hand still on her shoulder, “I know that you don’t really know me very well, but I’m your Godfather, Harry, so that means—”
“No, no. I know about you being my godfather. I just don’t get why that matters,” Jess interrupted him, desperate not to accept the child-zoning she felt was about to happen.
“It matters because it means that I’m supposed to be the parent that James didn’t get the chance to be,” Sirius replied with fond exasperation and a bit of a huff.
And with that statement, Jess’s dreams shattered. Regardless of how many smutty Harry/Sirius fics she’d read in her former life, this was not a crack universe. Sirius Black saw her as his godchild. There would be no romantic entanglement of any sort between them.
Maybe Jess could deal with this. Maybe she could play the part of the slightly pervy godson, call Sirius “Daddy” a couple times. Surely there could be a way to make this work, right?
Sirius leaned down a little, then whispered in her ear, “and if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll also be able to get your Professor Lupin to come be your other parent.” Jess’s head shot up quickly enough to catch Sirius Black, the man of her dreams, wink and slowly wet his lips while smirking at Remus goddamn Lupin.
She could take a lot. She could take being parent-zoned by the Adonis of a man in front of her and being stuck in the body of a teenager. But all of that while Sirius Black was screwing Remus Lupin in the room next door? Absolutely not.
Jess slowly walked over to the fireplace, and took one last longing look at the man of her dreams before she threw in some floo powder and shouted, “The Department of Mysteries.” Sirius and her just couldn’t be. Besides, while magic might be fun, it was about time to be getting back to her original body and the cult. Who knows, with her gone Music might’ve taken over, and that simply wasn’t allowed.
And when, two weeks later, she opened her eyes to see Murder Baby drawing a mustache on her while Middle Man and Princess yelled at each other from the other room, she figured that coming back was worth it after all.