and ive got no right to take my place to the human race
“Hey, Harry,” Ron starts. They’re in the common room of their dormitory, sitting by the fire while they study for their exams. Harry hums to acknowledge Ron. “What was the other day about? And don’t lie to me, I’ll find out.” Ron’s voice is firm, but Harry knows it’s from a place of worry. He feels his stomach churn with guilt. He’s never lied to Ron before. He has to lie; he’s not ready to tell the truth.
“I had a nightmare.” Harry closes his book, “Why was Malfoy with me when I woke up?”
“Well, you see, he-” Ron pauses. “He insisted on staying with you.”
Harry nearly chokes. Malfoy wanted to be with him? Harry had assumed that Malfoy had been forced to stay with him. Why would his sworn enemy stay with him after a panic attack? Harry’s curiosity gets the best of him when he speaks again, “Did he say why he wanted to stay with me?”
Ron nods, “He said that he was worried. It was weird how concerned he looked about you, Harry. I had half a mind to punch the git, but I didn’t want you to be alone, and I had class.” Harry chuckles at the last bit. Ron has always threatened to punch Malfoy, though he’s never done it.
“I’m glad he was there,” Harry says. Hermonie finally looks up from her book, “Sorry, what? Did you just say you were glad that Draco Malfoy was in the same room as you?”
Harry turns a light shade of pink. “I mean-”
“I can’t believe you, Harry! After all he’s done to us, you’re glad he was there? Really?” Ron asks incredulously. Harry looks down at his book, avoiding looking at Ron. How could he look at his friends after admitting such a thing? Harry takes his book in hand and stands up, just about to take his leave for the night. Ron pulls him back down.
“No, Harry, you’re not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is going on with you,” Ron says, voice stern. Harry tries to get up again but is pulled back down again. Harry sighs, “Nothing is going on Ron, I’m fine.”
“Ron let him go, you can’t force him to talk about it. He’ll talk to us when he’s ready,” Hermonie says, glaring at Ron. Ron reluctantly lets go, “Sorry, man. I’m just worried about you.”
“I know, I understand.” Harry stands up, “Goodnight.”
“‘Night, Harry,” Ron says.
*****
Harry can’t sleep. Despite going to bed two hours before everyone else, Harry is the last one awake. He’s been lying, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling. He can’t stop thinking about Ginny. Can’t stop thinking about what he’s going to tell her, how she’s going to react, how Ron’s going to react…He can imagine it. Ginny would be furious and tell Ron, and Ron wouldn’t be friends with Harry anymore. It’s selfish, but for once in his life Harry is trying to look out for himself. After years of putting others before him, he’s trying to put himself first. Harry wants to be happy for the first time in his life. Not just fleeting happiness, but being content with his life.
He can’t do that if he’s living in a relationship based on a lie. He’ll never be happy if he stays with Ginny. They’ll have kids, he’ll see Malfoy at Platform 9 ¾ for the first time in fifteen years, and all the feelings will come rusing back. He knows this isn’t just a crush. This is the kind of love they talk about in romance novels; the type you’d die for. The kind that’s so strong it’s almost unbearable. The love that makes you lie awake at night, unable to sleep. The love that makes your heart race at the slightest glimpse of that person. It’s a feeling Harry’s never acknowledged. He thought he felt it with Ginny. He thought his heart racing meant that he liked her. He knows now that he’s never had feelings for Ginny. He’s known Ginny for years, and her crush on him left him feeling flattered, but he thought Ginny was a little young. She’s also his best friend's sister, and that’s always left Harry feeling uncomfortable. Of course, just as Ron’s warming up to Harry and Ginny dating, Harry figures out he’s in love with Malfoy.
Harry is aware he’ll have to tell people someday. He refuses to live on a lie because that’s what everyone around him does. Everyone lies, and Harry doesn’t want to be that way. He doesn’t want to be like the Dursleys, doesn’t want to be like anyone but himself. Hell, all he wants is to be content every day of his life. Why is that so hard to get?
Harry’s first step in being happy is to break up with Ginny. Even if Ron doesn’t want to be his friend anymore, even if Malfoy doesn’t feel the same, even if his entire life is ruined and he’s killed, he has to do it. He’s tired of living a lie. He’s risking everything. He also has a feeling it’ll be worth it in the end, though.
He’ll break up with Ginny tomorrow. They’ve planned to study together, despite being in different years. His stomach churns at the thought, yet, at the same time, he’s also happy.
*****
“Harry, are you even paying attention to me?” Ginny asks, reaching for Harry’s hand on the table. Harry pulls away, shakes his head, and sighs. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and looks at Ginny. He feels a pang of guilt in his chest when he looks at her. She looks so concerned, so in love, and Harry’s about to crush her. All for what, because he likes someone else? No, it’s because he wants to be happy. If he stays with Ginny, he won’t be happy.
“Ginny, listen,” Harry’s voice comes out harsher than he expected it to. He clears his throat, “I need to talk to you about something.”
Ginny nods, “Of course, you can, I’m your girlfriend. You can talk to me about anything.”
Harry’s heart races. He can’t believe he’s doing this. He swallows around the lump in his throat, “Ginny…We need to break up.”
Silence.
“I’m sorry-”
“Don’t. Even.” Ginny sniffles, “How long have you wanted to leave me, Harry? And why? Why are you doing this to me?”
Harry’s own eyes swell with tears, “Because I don’t have feelings for you. I’m so sorry, Ginny, it was never my intention to hurt you.” Ginny starts shoving her books into her bags, stifling sobs with her hand. Once her books are in her bag, she stands, “Never your intention to hurt me? Really, Harry? How long have you known you don’t have feelings for me? Have you ever had feelings for me?”
Harry shakes his head before he can stop himself. He goes to speak, to try to explain, but Ginny stops him. “Don’t.”
She sits back down, taking a shuddering breath. Harry can see how badly he hurt her, and he feels so fucking bad. He loves Ginny. He always has. He’s always seen her as a sister.
“Why did you even ask me out if you knew you didn’t like me? Was it just some sick way to control me?”
Harry shakes his head, “No! I never wanted to hurt you. I thought I liked you, I really did.” His voice breaks, and he feels like he can’t breathe. His eyes are swimming with tears; the entire world turned blurry. He hears Ginny scoff.
“You broke up with me, and you’re the one crying? Seriously? You’re fucking pathetic, Harry. Never talk to me again.”
Harry hears Ginny walk out of the room.
Fuck.
Harry doesn’t know what he was expecting. Part of him expected Ginny to be understanding and hear him out, and part of him expected her to blow up at him. He was hoping for the former.
What has he done?
Ginny’s going to tell Ron.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
He’s basically lost his best friend. His closest friend.
You have no one.
He has no one. Was this really his idea of being happy? To ruin his life?
His sobs echo against the wall. He’s so focused on his head swimming that he doesn’t hear the footsteps in the hall.
“Harry, are you okay?”
He’d know that voice anywhere.