All we are (is skin and bones)

Evan heard the sound of his own voice, asking him to stay.

He stared at Barty, tears making his sight a little watery. ‘I hate being alone. I’m sorry for sending you away. Don’t leave again. Please?’ he asked, his eyes big and begging and asking and stepping over so many rules.

Barty ran towards him and kissed him.

All we are is skin and bones.

Trained to go along.

Forever going with the flow.

But you’re friction.

Evan didn’t expect the kiss. It came fast, and he didn’t know what he had to do. He kissed him back, let his cheeks flush and his hands wandered to tug at Barty’s hair.

This slope is treacherous.

This path is reckless.

This slope is treacherous.

I I I like it.

He broke away from Barty.

Guilt flashed over his face, Barty frowned. ‘I’m sorry? Am I? Should I be sorry, Ev?’ Barty asked carefully. Evan shook his head. He nodded. He groaned, ran a hand through his hair. ‘I, we can’t do this. I’m not- well I guess I am now. I am not cheating on James, Barty. Not again,’ Evan muttered, seeing Barty’s face twist with realisation.

‘I have to… Fuck! I don’t know what I need to do now. I… I really like him. But, it’s not… It’s not this. It’s not… I guess it’s not love,’ he stammered, stepping away from Barty who was silently staring at him. ‘Is this? Are you… Do you love me?’ Barty asked carefully, his eyes falling away to the floor.

‘I.. I think I always knew I loved you, Barty,’ Evan said, his eyes trailing up until they met Barty’s. But then, his eyes fell on Regulus, who was standing behind Barty, waiting on him. His eyes were cold, and disappointed. Arms crossed, lips in a thin line.

‘You have it all. You have James. And then you still cheat on him. Why? Is he not good enough for you? I’m starting to think you just want to ruin everything for yourself,’ Regulus said, but there was no bite to his words. Just disappointment. It hurt more than Regulus’ normal anger did.

‘I’m starting to think that, too,’ Evan muttered softly, hanging his head to hide the tears that started falling. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Can’t… Won’t… You’re… You guys can come back home if you want to, but I need to figure stuff out,’ Evan said while his eyes darted from Regulus, to Barty. Barty who was just standing there. Arms hanging limply at his side, mouth slightly parted.

Barty’s mouth that had just been on Evan’s lips. Barty’s mouth that made Evan’s stomach explode with a feeling he had never grasped before. He had thought that kissing James was the best thing, the only thing he wanted in his life, but it wasn’t. Barty was. Fuck, Evan would never recover from this.

He didn’t realise he had left until he opened the door to his own home with his keys. He blinked a few times in confusing, reaching out to rub the bridge of his nose, but then realising it still fucking hurt. He had to get it checked, maybe. He sat down on his couch and grabbed his phone.

9.23 AM

Goodmorning stranger

Did you get them out?

9.54 AM

Yeah, they’re back at the hotel

James, I need to talk to you about something

9.55 AM

That sounds sirius

I’ll be there in a minute

James arrived within fifteen minutes. Evan had taken that time to change into other clothes and fix his hair.

‘Hey, Evy,’ James said, when Evan opened the door for him. He leaned in to give Evan a quick kiss, but Evan acted as if he didn’t notice it, and stepped aside. ‘Hey.’

‘What’s wrong? There is something wrong, because you’re acting differently,’ James muttered, looking at Evan who’s gaze was firmly on the floor. ‘Evan? Please talk to me,’ James said, just as Evan blurted ‘I kissed him,’ and looked up to meet James’ eyes. And judging from the look of heartbreak crossing James’ eyes, Evan had just broken his heart.

They stood there for a little while. James was staring at Evan with broken, brown eyes and Evan was trying not to cry.

‘Barty?’ James asked silently after a while. A sob escaped Evan’s mouth before he nodded slowly. ‘I feel terrible, James. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better than this, than me.’ He took a shaky breath. ‘I wish I could say that it was a mistake and I would never do it again. That I felt nothing.’ He didn’t need to finish the sentence, because James knew what this meant.

‘It’s okay. I… I get it. Kind of,’ James muttered while his eyes fell on the floor and he shuffled his feet a little. ‘What’s the plan now, Evan?’

And Evan didn’t know. He didn’t have a plan. He just needed to tell James and he needed to break up with him before he broke his heart any more. He wasn’t planning on diving into a relationship with Barty headfirst, and he did like James. But liking someone wasn’t enough if he knew he loved someone else.

‘Friends?’ he asked pathetically, a single tear falling from his eyes when he looked up to meet James’ gaze. ‘Friends, yeah, we can do that. We actually have quite a lot in common, so we’ll be fine being friends,’ James said, a little insecure. He smiled softly at Evan who must’ve looked so relieved. ‘I really, really am sorry, James. I never meant for this to happen, but… but it wouldn’t be right for us to keep dating. Not after I did this,’ he told the other boy, who was smiling at Evan. ‘It’s all okay, Evan. I’ll need some… time. To get used to all of this. But we’ll be fine. We’ll be friends,’ James said, nodding to himself.

Friends.

But it would’ve been fun, if you would’ve been the one.

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James hated himself a little more today.

‘We’ll be fine. We’ll be friends,’ he muttered while nodding absentmindedly.

Fine?

Friends?

I persist and resist the temptation to ask you.

‘If one thing had been different, would everything be different, today?’

He left not soon after.

He didn’t know what to do now. He felt heartbroken, but not like he was when Regulus broke up with him out of nothing. It’s almost as if James has a type. French boys, curly hair, sarcasm, Taylor Swift, breaking up with him when he least expects it.

He shook his head and dialled Sirius’ number.

‘Hey loser. What you up to?’ Sirius’ voice asked, which made James sigh deeply. ‘He broke up with me,’ he said carefully, expecting Sirius to blow up from anger. It was quiet for a second. James heard someone shuffle on the other side of the phone. ‘Sirius?’ he asked, but was met with no answer.

‘Sirius, what are you doing?’ James asked him, just as Sirius knocked on a door. ‘What now, Sirius?’ Remus. ‘No, Sirius. Please, can I just talk to you and not Remus?’ James asked him, but Sirius didn’t answer. ‘Remus, tonight we’re killing a man,’ Sirius declared. Two answers were met in the middle, James’ ‘No!’ and Remus’ ‘What?!’.

‘Sirius, no. I- I think I’m fine with it. Or not. I don’t know yet,’ he stammered, his brain working overtime. Why wasn’t he crying? Why didn’t it feel like Evan ripped his heart out just like it did when Regulus broke up with him? Why wasn’t it the same? Why didn’t he feel the same?

Why didn’t he… ‘Oh.’

‘James? Sounds like you had a realisation back there,’ Sirius asked carefully. ‘I… Sorry Sirius, I think I’m still in love with your brother,’ he muttered while he slowly started walking again. ‘You’re joking, right? He broke you, James. Breaking me wasn’t enough for him, remember?’ Sirius’ voice rang angrily through James’ head.

Okay, so yes. Maybe he had lost his spark for a bit when he lost his star, but he was okay now? And Regulus was here. He must be here for a reason, right?

‘Okay, looking at this from another point of view, maybe you should wait before crashing into your former love and process these feelings for Evan first?’ Remus asked. Smart Remus. Remus James didn’t want to listen to. Listening to Remus meant having to think too deeply about his short, but steady, but suddenly over relationship with Evan. Could you call it a relationship when it hadn’t even lasted a month?

‘Maybe. Or maybe not?’ James said before Remus yelled ‘James, no!’ and James hung up the phone.

It was summer for god's sake. He wasn’t spending his summer moping around about a boy.

But staying away from Regulus for a little while, maybe was a good idea. Maybe.

Or maybe not.

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‘I fucking swear to god, if you’re yelling at me again-’ ‘I broke up with him.’

Regulus sat up a little straighter on his bed. Barty raised his eyebrows, as if to ask him who he was talking with, but Regulus shook his head. ‘You did? Why?’

‘Because I realised it wasn’t right. I guess. I don’t know. I need to figure shit out before I can be honest with others. You know. Be honest with yourself so lies don’t spill from your mouth like water?’ Evan remembered. A sentence Regulus was all too familiar with. Evan always said it to Regulus, but now the roles seemed to be reversed.

‘Ah. Okay. Do you… Want to cry?’ Regulus asked, frowning to himself. Barty sat down on the other side of his bed, softly whispering ‘what’s wrong?’ but Regulus stood up and ignored him, walking into the bathroom.

‘I… No, not really. I guess I just need something to do. Maybe I’ll go over to the girls’ and do something fun with them. Maybe,’ Evan muttered into his phone. Regulus heard the doubt in his voice. He scoffed. ‘Is this how it is now, then? You ask us to move back in instead of sending us to the other side of town in some random hotel, and then you don’t even dare to ask us to do something with you?’ Regulus asked him, raising his eyebrow but then realising Evan can’t see that.

‘Okay, I just know that you raised your eyebrow while you said that. And… I don’t know. I do want to do something with you, but I just… I think it’s smarter if I don’t see Barty for a little while, you know?’ Evan said. ‘Yeah, I get what you’re saying. How about this? I drop Barty off at Dorcas’ and we do something together?’ Regulus proposed.

‘Does Barty even know that Dor is here?’ Evan countered. In the background Regulus could hear ‘found heaven’ starting. ‘I don’t think so. But then he’ll be open to spending time with Dorcas, because he missed her,’ Regulus said, while Evan hummed in approval. He skipped the song. ‘Alley Rose’ started.

Regulus bit his lip. ‘I’ll tell him. Meet you at your house in thirty minutes, then?’ Regulus proposed. ‘Yeah, yeah. Okay,’ Evan answered before he muttered ‘bye’ and Regulus hung up the phone.

‘Oi, get up. Dorcas is here, and she’s picking you up in ten to go to the beach,’ Regulus said, still typing away on his phone. Barty jumped up from his bed in surprise. ‘Really? Dor is here? Holy shit, that’s amazing!’ he exclaimed loudly, starting to hurriedly take off his clothes and put his swimming trunks on, grabbing his bag while changing.

‘Are you coming too, Reg? I’ll take extra sunscreen so you don’t burn like a crisp,’ Barty muttered absentmindedly, his hands reaching for the factor 50 that stood beside Barty’s factor 20 tanning oil. ‘Watch your mouth, Crouch. And no, I’m not coming. I have other things to do,’ Regulus said, scrunching his nose and grabbing his own bag, already packed.

‘Like what? It’s your vacation, Regulus. Maybe you should relax,’ Barty complained, making Regulus turn and look at him. Of course the bastard wasn’t wearing a shirt yet. But what was the shame in looking?

Regulus raised an eyebrow at him, his eyes finding Barty’s, which were confused. ‘Maybe. Or maybe not,’ Regulus said, also getting confused because Barty wasn’t saying anything and his eyes started dropping lower. Lower, lower, lower. ‘Barty.’

‘Huh?’ His eyes shot up. ‘What? Sorry, did you say something?’ Barty asked. Regulus frowned. Did he say something? He didn’t know. He forgot. ‘I don’t know. Are you ready to go?’ Regulus asked him, his eyes finding Barty’s half packed bag. Anything to not look at Barty.

It was so weird between the two of them. Regulus didn’t really know how to handle things like this. Barty wasn’t James, of course, but he was good. Regulus knew that, though. Someone with a list as long as him should better be good. He was confused if he felt stuff just because of how good it was or because of actual feelings.

‘Uh, no. What are you doing? Why can’t you come?’ Barty asked, while folding a towel and propping it into his bag. ‘I’m meeting Evan,’ Regulus said simply, busying his hands by playing with his rings. ‘Ah. So I’m guessing he’s also not coming to the beach?’ Barty asked a little hopeful. ‘No,’ Regulus answered, seeing the slight bit of hope falter and disappear in Barty’s eyes.

‘Right.’

Silence followed. Barty stumbled around a little, throwing stuff into his bag and continuously stealing glances in Regulus’ direction, who was following him with his eyes. Barty’s eyes looked for Regulus’. He found them. Regulus stared back at him, big eyes. ‘We’re not doing this again, are we?’ Barty asked carefully. ‘No, no we’re not. We can’t really,’ Regulus said, subconsciously walking closer towards Barty. ‘No. Why can’t we again?’ Barty asked softly, his eyes dropping to Regulus’ lips.

‘Because… Because…’ Regulus was speechless. He never was speechless.This was so weird. ‘That is not a reason,’ Barty muttered to him, his hands slowly grazing Regulus’ jaw. They were suddenly very close. Very, very close. ‘I guess then there isn’t a reason,’ Regulus said.

Barty took that as an invitation to kiss Regulus. Regulus kissed back of course. He was only a boy, after all.

They kissed, his hands in Barty’s hair. He kissed Barty’s jaw, soft but determined. Barty kissed his neck, bit him, sucked. Left a mark. Regulus’ shirt fell to the floor, his legs hit the bed. Before he knew it he was laying on his bed, tangled in the sheets with Barty beside him. Dishevelled hair, closed eyes.

He wondered to himself how he ended up here. He asked himself ‘again? Really?’ but he wasn’t above it anyways, so guilt wasn’t bubbling up in his chest. He could feel Barty’s eyes burning on the side of his face, but he didn’t turn to look at him.

‘What now?’ Barty whispered to him, lying still Regulus was genuinely surprised. Barty never really was quiet, nor did he lay still in bed. ‘Now we put on clothes, and pretend that didn’t happen, right? Like the last time?’ Regulus asked him, a bite to his words he didn’t realise.

‘Like the last time. Yeah,’ Barty breathed out, sitting up and putting on his clothes. A knock came from the door. ‘Oh that’s probably Dorcas,’ Barty muttered, looking for his shirt, but finding none and thus opening the door shirtless. Regulus threw the blankets over him while he glared at Barty’s back.

‘Hey Nounours,’ Dorcas said, smiling brightly, but then seeing his bare chest. Her dark brown eyes narrowed and she looked into the room, seeing only Regulus in the bed. ‘I’m choosing to ignore this… situation. Put on a shirt, please. You’re swimming with one, looking like that,’ she ordered, giving Barty a stern look after he frowned at her. Regulus peeked from behind the covers to see Barty’s chest covered in blooming marks, his back detailed with scratch marks.

Okay, so maybe Regulus got carried away.

It didn’t mean anything though. Right?

‘Fucking hell, Reg, What’s wrong with you?’ Barty muttered, observing his own chest before pulling on a white shirt that was Regulus’. Regulus didn’t feel like complaining about it, though, for the first time in forever.

‘Come on Barty. Marlene is waiting for us outside,’ Dorcas said, grabbing his bag while Barty complained about Marlene coming along. ‘Seriously? You brought McKinnon? Why?’ He followed Dorcas outside, who started explaining why she couldn’t leave Marlene alone after cutting her vacation short, stopping for a second to look back at Regulus and wave at him.

Regulus didn’t wave back. He didn’t want to move, or get out of bed, or meet Evan, but he was obliged to. Evan was sad, and he had some stuff to make up for, though he didn’t feel guilty.

He got dressed, assessed the damage done to his hair, and hurried on his way to Evan’s. He got a cab, luckily not in the cab with Austin he kind of left out of nowhere last night. He should feel guilty about that, he knew. But frankly he didn’t really care about it.

When he opened the door to Evan’s house he was, of course, met with music in the background, Evan’s voice singing along. His voice was a little raw, and his accent was heavy. Evan really ought to stop speaking with his accent if he didn’t want Regulus to feel… stuff.

Evan had switched from Conan Gray album. First ‘Found Heaven’, now ‘Superache’. He must be in his feels. Evan hadn’t noticed Regulus coming inside, though, so Regulus just stood and listened for a bit. Evan did have quite a nice voice. Conan Gray suited him. The song was slowly building up to the bridge and Regulus saw Evan bitterly smiling through the words.

Baby, we lost all the love that we had.

And I can’t pretend it’ll ever come back.

I think you’re seeing right through.

That, baby, this ain’t like the movies.

‘Regulus? Hey, I didn’t hear you coming in,’ Evan said suddenly, lowering the music and smiling at him, though his eyes were void of happiness. ‘Yeah, you were so busy with channeling your main character energy, I thought I’d let you wallow for a second before we get to the real stuff,’ Regulus said, while kicking off his shoes and sitting down on one of the barstools. ‘What are you making?’ Regulus asked, motioning to the mixture Evan was mixing.

‘Cake. I needed to do something. I uh… Yeah,’ Evan stammered, before giving up and looking back at the mixture. ‘Did you add oranges? You know I like orange cake,’ Regulus said, raising a playful eyebrow before Evan frowned at him. ‘Reg, it’s a big cake, not muffins like I usually make. And I was out of oranges, so it’s raspberries and white chocolate.’

Raspberries and white chocolate. A cheap mixture, but perfect in Evan’s eyes.

‘Ev, you really need to let your nose get checked. It doesn’t look good,’ Regulus said, looking at the blonde’s nose and frowning. ‘What? Oh, nah it’s fine. It’s just a little crooked, is all,’ Evan said, wincing at the words when he said them and turning away from Regulus.

‘Jigsaw’ started playing in the background. Regulus sighed softly and looked at the mixture of raspberries and white chocolate and other ingredients in the bowl.

‘What is this all really about, Evan? Why are you suddenly so mad all the time? You can’t even take the slightest thing or you’ll blow up, and now you’ve wasted half of your summer in France being mad at us and dating James. James, Evan,’ Regulus said, frowning at his own words. Evan took a shuddering breath.

I’ve changed every part of me.

Until the puzzle pieces aren’t me at all.

‘Shit at home, I guess. I don’t know, I’m just so frustrated all the time,’ Evan muttered. Regulus was silent, knowing Evan was going to tell more if he didn’t say anything. ‘At myself, the world. I mean, be honest. Is the hand I’ve been dealt with in this life thing really fair? Really? I mean, my nose was ‘fixed’ before I learnt how to speak English. Is that normal?’

If I made you like me, would I even like myself?

‘You know how my dad can be at my throat. Especially since this is my last real summer as an anonymous teenager. You know, sixteen,’ Evan said, without really explaining further. It wasn’t needed though, Regulus knew. Sixteen. The age Evan would go in front of the cameras and complete his legacy.

‘I’m just so scared I’ll never get to experience anything when my dad gets his hands on me. I’m so scared that I’ll never get to live my own life, kiss boys, be free, because being gay isn’t a good look for a male model. And, well, I’ve always wanted Barty to be my first and last boyfriend, but he was too hung up on you, basically the better version of me, and James was just there. And he was so sweet to me. He cared for me like no other. He loved me as if I was you, Regulus. It felt good to finally have someone look at me like that, even if it was just for a little bit.’

I wanna feel all that love and emotion.

Be that attached to the person I’m holding.

And Regulus… he got it. Finally, after thinking about it for weeks and being mad at himself for not understanding, mad at Evan for not explaining better, he got it. He got Evan.

Regulus understood how scared Evan must’ve been, because his time was running out and Regulus ruined his last chance, so he grabbed it with another. ‘Evan, let me ask you something,’ Regulus said carefully, moving his head to face Evan before his eyes did the same. ‘If someone else gave you the attention like James gave you,’ he started, carefully going on. ‘Would they be good enough for you?’

Evan’s face twisted into different emotions in front of Regulus’ eyes. Hurt, offence, sadness, realisation, offence again, anger, confusion, actual realisation. He sighed deeply, blinked once at Regulus and gave him a weak smile. ‘Yeah, yeah they would.’

‘And that’s why you knew it was time to let go, wasn’t it?’ Regulus asked him, which earned him a small nod. ‘I don’t- It wasn’t love. I felt more guilty than I felt happy,’ Evan muttered softly, taking a deep breath again.

‘Now that that’s settled, let’s get you to the hospital you idiot,’ Regulus said, clapping his hands and standing up. Evan blinked twice at him. ‘Wait, what? Now?’ he asked, earning a nod from Regulus.

On the way to the hospital, Regulus couldn’t stop thinking about what he said to Evan.

Because that was just how every love was, wasn’t it?

If Evan had given Regulus the attention young Regulus craved, he would’ve never spared James a second glance. Right?

Or was he just overthinking?

Because James fought for Regulus’ attention, and Regulus had a feeling he would’ve done that in every universe, because that’s just how it is.

James chases. Regulus waits.

Like a star that waits in the night sky until it can fall from the sky, chased away by the sun.

But Regulus chased James away, not the other way around.