Chapter 19
Evan was too weak to be mad.
He was alone in his house, because Effie insisted Dorcas and Marlene stay over there tonight, and it was too quiet. He knew it would be quiet, but he wasn’t prepared for the startling silence he would come home to.
James wasn’t here. It was only normal for James to go home now. Evan spent the night, both were tired and he wanted some peace. But he forgot how empty this house was. He forgot that the halls echoed every breath he took and that the paintings told empty memories of little Evan running around in this house, bored out of his mind and as alone as he was now.
He didn’t want to have company, so he didn’t call James. He didn’t put on music, because he didn’t want to alarm the girls of his whereabouts either. He went into the garden and smoked another cigarette. His pack was almost empty now, it was full when he left for the bar.
He thinks he gets it now, how Barty became addicted.
When he finished his cigarette, he went back inside and put on his shoes. It was better to walk a little than sulk in his own feelings. He had cried embarrassingly much already, he wasn’t planning on crying again. His airpods played a spotify-made mix of Noah Kahan, which distracted Evan enough from his thoughts.
He forgot how much he used to listen to Noah before the vacation. His music was too sad and relatable for the summer, he deemed, but now it felt fitting. One of Evan’s former favourite songs, ‘strawberry wine’ started playing, but at the moment Evan despised the song. It made him think too much about Barty. Barty who had filmed him last year singing it in the shower, and then proceeded to use it as his ringtone. Barty, who hadn’t told Evan about it, until Evan heard it in the middle of dinner and wanted to run away and cry.
Barty who had profusely complimented Evan, and told him he only used it because he thought it was really gorgeous.
He skipped the song.
‘New perspective’ started playing next, just as Evan rounded a corner. He saw a guy walking there, with black curls like Regulus’ and he thought for a startling second it was Regulus, but then he realised Regulus was in jail.
He shook his head softly and walked on. ‘The view between villages’ started playing, throwing Evan’s brain off course while he lost his mind in memories tied to this song. He did it all to himself, thinking Noah Kahan could distract him, though every song told a piece of his story. He was walking faster then, started running when the bridge started, his mind too confused to get where he was going or why he was running. He just was, no idea, no route.
But then when the song ended, he found himself facing the police station again. Home, he thought bitterly as he silently went in. Maybe he was feeling so bad because he just missed his best friends. Stuff was getting so serious. If it wasn’t so bad, Evan would be sure they could’ve laughed about it. He missed laughing with his friends, being young and stupid. Who was he kidding? He missed his friends, not just laughing with them.
He sat down against the bars, his back turned to the sleeping Barty and Regulus. ‘Growing sideways’ started playing, as if to coax Evan into his tears. They did come of course, but they went with a burning throat and soft sobs as Evan tried to not wake Barty and Regulus up.
Why is pain so damn impatient? And like it’s got a place to be.
He closed his eyes to try and stop the tears. He didn’t hear it when someone woke up behind him and moves to sit down with their back against Evan’s
And if all my life was wasted, I don’t mind, I’ll watch it go.
Yeah, it’s better to die numb than feel it all.
‘Your favourite colour. I want to know, please?’ Evan blew his nose and turned his head. Barty wasn’t looking at him, but staring at the wall. His head against the bars separating them. His voice was soft, like a whisper, so he wouldn’t startle Evan. Evan turned back around and let his head rest against the bars, too. ‘Teal. But not the lighter kind. The darker one,’ he muttered back, eyes falling on his hands which were playing with his Airpods case in his lap. He felt Barty nod to himself.
‘Your middle name? I knew it, but I think I forgot,’ Barty asked carefully, tentatively. ‘The view between villages extended edition’ started playing in Evan’s Airpods. ‘Calixtus. Evan Calixtus Rosier,’ he whispered back. ‘Evan handsome Rose, sounds fitting,’ Barty said softly, dropping his hand on the floor of the cell.
‘Your favourite album is Red. Not the normal one, but the deluxe version you always said. But Red deluxe isn’t an album. Red Taylor’s version is, though,’ Barty said. Evan could feel tears burning in his eyes. ‘Why do you lie? Why don’t you tell us the truth? Why do you make yourself walk on eggshells? We’re your friends, Evan. We’d love you regardless of what music you listen to,’ Barty asked, not so careful anymore. ‘Orange juice’ started playing, because of course.
‘You don’t know that. It’s- It’s not just about the music. I’m just… It’s complicated. A long story,’ Evan muttered, bowing his head to not alarm Barty with his silent sobs. ‘I’m not going anywhere. Tell me,’ Barty said, but his voice was soft, careful. A question disguised as an order. Evan could say no.
‘I never really had friends when I was little. Then, when I was six, I made some friends. I told them everything, they were my everything. One of them told me in passing how ugly my laugh was, so I guess little me thought everyone thought that, and I stopped laughing as much as I did.’ Evan took a shaky breath. ‘Then, one of them laughed at me when they realised I listened to kids music, and watched kids movies. I stopped telling them those things, too. For my seventh birthday, I threw a birthday party for all my friends. I was so excited to finally have people to celebrate my birthday with. They… They didn’t show. Instead they held a sleepover together, without inviting me.’
‘I thought you were coming to my party?’
‘Oh, we forgot, sorry. We had so much fun though. We’ll be there next time.’
‘Why didn’t you invite me?’
‘You’re just kind of weird, Evan.’
‘And then we moved to britain. A clean slate, yes. But I didn’t know any better, so I thought that if I just played it safe, you wouldn’t think I was weird and leave me. You know why I hide my accent. You know why I don’t tell people who my father is,’ Evan muttered to Barty, a sob escaping his mouth. ‘Homesick’.
I got dreams, but I can’t make myself believe them.
Spend the rest of my life with what could’ve been.
‘I should’ve noticed it earlier. Evan, never, ever think you have to hide who you truly are from us. I love your laugh, I love your disney movies, I love your accent.’
Three words, eight letters.
Say it.
Say it.
Please.
‘Don’t hide again, please. Be yourself, all of you.’
Three words Evan would never hear, falling from Barty’s lips.
‘Thank you, Bee,’ Evan whispered, his hands letting go of his Airpods. He let his head drop against the cell bars again. Barty’s soft strands of hair tickled Evan’s ears while he listened to Noah Kahan and Brandi Carlile’s ‘you’re gonna go far’.
We ain’t angry at you, love. We’ll be waiting for you, love.
Love. Love.
Love.
Stupid word. A stupid word made up by people living in a stupid world. It really only brings pain and anguish to Evan’s life. He hates loving. He hates that he loves so much, and he hates that he’ll never have someone who loves him as much as he loves others.
‘Evan?’ Barty’s careful voice broke him from his thoughts. He opened his eyes. ‘Yeah?’
‘Why did you want to spend your summer away?’
‘I’m sixteen now. I promised my dad that he’d get to use me for his shoots after I turned sixteen. So I’m using the vacation to… extend my time as a kid,’ Evan answered. He pulled his knees up to his chest and closed his eyes again. ‘Not inviting you and Reg wasn’t the plan, but I was so hurt by the kiss. I didn’t think it through,’ Evan added, knowing Barty would want to know that. ‘I’m sorry, Evan. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you,’ Barty whispered. He was awfully quiet for someone with such a loud personality.
‘I know, Bee.’
No more words followed after that. Evan and Barty sat there, back to back, until sleep overtook Evan and his Airpods slowly fell out of his ears. In his sleep he had softly grabbed Barty’s hand, who gave it to him willingly, being still awake.
He would deem it to be nothing when he woke up, but the way his hand fit perfectly in Barty’s felt like a locket finding its long lost key.
In his dreams, he faced a brown haired, blue eyed boy who told him three words over and over again.
Three words, eight letters.
I love you.
But he wouldn’t hear those words when he woke up.
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
Barty woke up with a headache and back pain.
He had fallen asleep against the bars of the cell. Why he did that? He couldn’t remember. His leg was throbbing and he couldn’t properly open his eye anymore, thanks to the hit he got from Evan last night. Oh right.
Evan.
He was sitting like this, because Evan was sitting on the other side.
Last night came rushing in like a giant wave, sweeping Barty off his feet and trying to pull him to the depths.
I love your laugh.
I love your Disney movies.
I love your accent.
I love you.
I love you.
But he couldn’t say that, could he? Because Evan was with James. Evan probably loved James. Evan loved easily. He loved purely, deeply and truly. Barty knew in his guts that he was too late with loving Evan, and he had lost his chance by now.
He looked towards Regulus, who was still asleep. It was weird. Everything was a little weird since they had sex. Barty thought it would mean they were something, but no. They had decided fake dating wasn’t a good idea anyways. Barty also thought that he would dive headfirst into his feelings for Regulus again, but he was wrong again.
Having sex with Regulus weirdly enough felt like closure. It solidified his speculations that he was over Regulus for him. He would always have a soft spot for Regulus. He was one of his best friends, and he had been Barty’s first love, but now it felt like Barty had finally closed a chapter he needed to close before he could move on with his life.
Evan stirred behind him, his head falling forward before he shot up in a daze, looking around the room. His eyes found Barty’s. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and then smiled lazily. ‘Didn’t know I’d sleep here,’ he muttered, suppressing a yawn. ‘Well, you have great timing, because Mr. Policeman is coming in now, and you’re breaking a rule by sleeping here,’ Barty said, turning Evan’s eyes wide. He jumped up and ran his hand through his hair, then over his face to get rid of any sleepiness.
‘Goodmorning, sir,’ he said, as the policeman walked in and gave him a confused look. ‘How did you get in?’ he asked, glancing at the big window by his desk. That was a great question, actually. How did he get in?
‘Oh, you left the door unlocked,’ he answered simply, smiling shortly at the policeman. The policeman looked at the door, then at Evan and shrugged. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked, sitting down on his desk and putting a box of donuts on top of it.
‘I’m here to pick those two up,’ Evan said, motioning towards Barty and the sleeping Regulus. Barty did a little wave at the policeman who grunted. He shoves some paperwork towards Evan, who started reading it, filling it in and then signed it. ‘Alright, Evan. You can take them with you,’ the policeman said as he skimmed over the pages. ‘Wait, no. Hold it. You’re not an adult,’ the policeman said. Evan had his back turned to him, and he pulled a sour face.
‘I am not, no. Is that a problem?’ he asked, turning around and flashing a smile at the policeman. ‘It is. Are your parents close by?’ he asked, to which Evan shook his head. ‘No, I’m afraid they are not. But, he’s-’ ‘Listen sonny, I don’t care who your father is, I need an adult to bail them out,’ the policeman interrupted Evan, who winced.
‘But my father is busy with his work, and won’t be able to get them out. Please, just let me take them. I paid their bail,’ Evan said, turning his big puppy eyes on the policeman who raised his eyebrow. Evan sighed deeply and shook his head. ‘I guess I’ll call my dad so you can talk to him,’ Evan muttered softly. Barty frowned at him. He wouldn’t.
Evan gave him a look which looked serious, but he winked at the end. He dialled his office, of course. Smart boy.
‘Hello. This is an automated message. If you want to reach the office of Jonah Rose, stay on the line. If you wish to make an appointment, send a mail to his assistant,’ the phone went, before Evan clicked it shut and the policeman stared at him. ‘He’s not picking up, that’s a shame,’ Evan muttered. ‘That’s his office, though. He should have a separate phone number to call you on,’ the policeman said before Evan rolled his eyes.
‘He’s on vacation,’ Evan said, before he bit his cheek and looked around the room. ‘Look my grandfather up. Jonah Rose, the first,’ he said, nudging the computer. The policeman gave him another look, but complied. He ticked away on his keyboard, and when he pressed enter, his mouth fell open.
‘You… He… You…’ he blubbered, eyes wide. ‘I look just like him, don’t I? Now please, let me take my friends,’ he asked, smiling, because he already knew his plan had worked. ‘Can I get an autograph for my daughter? She’s a huge fan of fashion,’ he said, which made Evan’s smile soften.
‘Sure,’ he said before grabbing a spare piece of paper and putting his autograph on it.
‘Now, you do have to promise to keep quiet about this. No one really knows who I am, so I’d like to keep it that way,’ he explained, while the policeman opened the cell for Barty and Regulus. ‘Yes, of course. Will you become famous, too?’ he asked, earning a small chuckle. ‘Who knows? It’s in my blood though, so I think so,’ Evan said just as Barty lifted Regulus and walked out of the cell.
‘Thank you for your help, sir. I won’t forget this,’ Evan said, smiling again before waving goodbye and following Barty outside.
Evan was silent when they began the walk back to the hotel. He was silent when Barty turned a corner and it wasn’t the corner they should’ve turned to go to Evan’s house. He was silent when Regulus woke up and started walking himself, complaining to Barty about everything he could.
Evan was silent when they reached the hotel. He was silent when Regulus walked in to go back to sleep, and he was silent when Barty asked him if he was okay.
Barty sighed softly and nodded at him. ‘Thank you,’ he muttered before turning around and following Regulus inside.
‘Barty, wait.’
‘Yeah?’