the whimsy lovers
"hi fred!" said lavender happily reeling him in.
fred tried to drown himself.
~
"hey dont do that!" said colin creevy popping out from behind lavender and helping her reel fred before he drowned.
"NOOOOO" yelled fred as he was dragged onto the boat.
"now now fred no need to yell" said lockhart that was sitting next to colin.
"fine :(" said fred.
"thank you!" said luna who is now a siren who is also hanging onto the side of the boat.
"oh hi luna- LUNA?" fred yelled again
"I TOLD YOU STOP YELLING" lockhart yelled
"WELL THEN YOU STOP YELLING" colin yelled.
"LETS ALL STOP YELLING" lavender yelled
"okay" lockhart didnt yell but spoke.
"okay" lavender smiled.
"okay..." fred said on the verge of a mental breakdown.
"lavender would you like to swim with me?" asked luna.
"darling as much as i love you.. you'll try to drown me again :(" pouted lavender
"...noo?" luna blushed and fluttered her eyelashes
lavender blushed but still didn't concede "my moon you said that the last 7 times..."
luna pouted "fineeee can i have a kiss?"
lavender smiled and kissed her softly.
"as much as i LOVE the cuteness! we've lost harry's and umbridge's ships" pointed out lockhart.
"oh fuck" said colin
"oh flip" said lavender
"oh flowers" said luna
"kill me" said fred
"now that wont do" colin patted fred on the head and pulled out a rat from his pocket.
the rat transformed into pettigrew who pointed to the south-west with fear in his eyes.
"...why is pettigrew here and why does he have drag makeup and a pink wig" asked fred who had slightly regained his will to live.
"he didnt listen" said lockhart ominously as he manoeuvred the boat to sail towards the direction pettigrew pointed.
"well alright then!" said fred.
"onwards!" yelled out colin who was somehow standing on top of lockhart's head.
---
"harry why did you decide to become a pirate" asked voldemort who was still stuck on his puzzle.
"idk writing lines was boring"
"oh okay! can you help me find the third piece i need" he asked
"yeah sure" harry answered and let the ship direct itself while he searched for the third piece.
"hey harry"
"yes?"
"am i bad at puzzles?" asked voldemort who was tearing up
hermione glared at harry before he managed to reply
"of course not tom!"
"thank you!" voldemort smiled and continued searching for pieces.
---
"WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK" screamed fred.
"LOCKHART MAN THE CANNONS" yelled colin.
"WE HAVE CANNONS???" yelled lockhart
"OF COURSE WE DO YOU DUNCE MOVE!" screached lavender and pushed lockhart overboard. "oops" everyone ignore lockharts frantic swimming as they watched lavender start firing hundreds of cannonballs at the oncoming meteor.
one of the cannonballs hit it in the very centre and the meteor exploded leaving only a levitating naked dumbledore in the air.
and by naked i mean without a beard not without clothes you silly.
"what" everyone said in unison (even lockhart who was a few hundred metres away still trying to swim back to the ship)
"i have come to return to you percy weasley" dumbledore announced dramatically with lightning in the background.
"but thats just a closet?" asked colin who was frantically making space on the boat because the closet was slowly descending into the boat.
"hes inside :)" just as albus finished his sentence a flash of lightning hit him and ge disappeared, leaving only the crack of thunder in his wake.
the group of people on the boat slowly approached the rocking closet. (luna just watched while hanging from the side of the boat)
fred opened the closet door and started having a panic attack and sobbing on the floor.
out of the closet stepped out a percy weasley in a full lion fursuit.
"i-it's not w-w-what it looks like!" percy stuttered out.
"THROW HIM OVERBOARD!!!" yelled out lunatic giggling.
"i agree!" said lavender diplomatically
"alright then" said colin as he grabbed percy by the tail and flung him towards lockhart.
the group watched (fred was still having a panic attack) as lockhart and percy saw eachother for the first time. (percy's fursuits head fell into the sea as he was flung)
their eye's locked and they fell inlove at first sight. they kissed softly and helf hands as they swam towards... somewhere idk.
"wtf happened" said lavender
"idk babe" said luna
"well alright" said colin
fred who was slowly calming down said "well atleast they're happy! unlike me please i beg just end my suffering"
"hmmm no" said luna
"NOOOOOOOOOOO" yelled fred.
---
the pink sail was perfect! the pink wheel was without defects! the pink carpet was soft and her pink captain outfit was without blemishes
umbridge was happily humming a tune as she i speak her ship, making sure it was perfect for harry who was coming over later.
ding dong ding dong
oh there he was! she giggled and ran to the door opening it just to end up seeing black.
---
"well that was easy" said harry and he dragged umbridge and flung her overboard.
"watching you pretend you liked her was so horrible!" pouted draco (harry's actual partner)
"i know my snookums" harry kissed dracos forehead and smiled
draco blushed and kissed harry's cheek.
"awh how cute!" said a voice from above.
the two lovers looked up immediately and saw a hairless dumbledore (he lost his eyebrows and hair along the way to them) descending onto the ship.
"thank you my boy for defeating the true dark lady..." dumbledore said whimsically as he wiped a tear from his eye.
"no prob buddy!" harry smiled
"wait does that mean voldemort isnt the dark lord?" draco asked
"oh no my boy that was a ruse! hes actually the puzzle lord" dumbledore announced
"oh okay!" said draco who turned back towards harry to admire him
"i shall take my leave now my boys" dumbledore said mysteriously and he started ascending to albus knows where.
harry and draco kiss.