There are no demons here
Rodolphus sighed and rolled his tired eyes.
"Can you two not argue quietly? Or better. Not in my office?" he sneered.
The Carrows stopped hissing at each other like wild cats. They looked at him as if he hadn't been there the whole time.
"Well, we actually have a request from Snape." Amycus said, narrowing his inflamed, eyes.
His sister grimaced and crossed her arms.
He couldn't resist rolling his eyes again.
"Well, what is it? Or am I supposed to guess what he wants? Tell me and then kindly fuck off, I have work to do."
He gestured to the very obvious dead body on the gurney in front of them, waiting to be embalmed.
The siblings frowned simultaneously and Alacto whispered "Not like 'the clients' will run away."
Rodolphus' glare made it obvious that he had heard the offhand comment.
The women gasped and promptly looked away. Amycus cleared his throat and Rodolphus raised his eyebrows.
"Hogwarts is hosting an event for the students who need to decide what job they want. We invite multiple businesses to present what they do and-"
"You thought of me?" An incredulous laugh escaped him. "A mortician."
Alacto's frown said everything he needed to know, without her even needing to open her mouth. Unfortunately for him, she did anyway.
"Snape. Snape thought of you. We said that that's ridiculous because you're mad as a unicorn in a bathtub!"
He mirrored her expression, before turning it into an ironic smile.
"Why, thank you for your honesty Alecto. It's appreciated. And I would appreciate your absence."
With that, he averted his eyes and attention back to the body of Richard Gibbon. The man had been killed by a member of the Order of the Phoenix yesterday.
He took a setting needle and a thread and took his wand off the shelf.
When he looked up and the siblings were still standing there and watching him with morbid curiosity, he glared at them.
"I will send Snape a letter. Get the fuck out of my mortuary!"
They almost fell over each other and were stuck in the doorway together for a moment.
But after that, they were finally gone and left Rodolphus in peaceful silence with the corpse.
___________
Snape had left the list of businesses that would come to Hogwarts the following week on his desk.
It read as follows:
1. The Apothecary (William Lecter)
2. Quality Quidditch Supplies (Olaf Leidenberg)
3. Eylops Owl Emporium (Birga Greytwig)
4. Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes (Fred and George Weasley (Who's idea was this?))
5. Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Auror Headquarters (Kingsley Shaklebolt)
6. Department of Mysteries (Augustus Rookwood)
7. Gringotts (Nagnok)
8. Books-Of-Belowius (Belowius Brecht)
9. Dreambrush Portraits (Nicolas Razin)
10. Betty's Practical Plants (Betty Lorelle Smith)
11. St.-Mungo-Hospital (Plius Terf)
And on the windowsill sat a Short-eared Owl with a letter in its waiting claws.
Said letter contained the harsh but agreeing words of Rodolphus Lestrange, who would represent his Morgue.
Neither the second headmaster McGonagall, the current Headmaster Snape nor Lestrange himself wanted this, but He-who-must-not-be-named seemed to think it would end with lots of fun.
Especially since rumors say Lestrange lost the rest of his mind in Azkaban and was basically a loose cannon.
Definitely a person who should be around students.
Snape groaned in frustration when he took the letter from the snarky owl, that had bitten him just for good measure.
But he almost laughed when he read the words: "I don't even know what you want me to show. Am I supposed to wheel a fucking body to Hogwarts?"
_________
It turned out that yes, that was exactly what he did.
So Rodolphus waited in the classroom that had been emptied for him, beside him his trusty gurney and the body of a Dorothy Page.
He had braided his long, blood-red hair into a not-quite-as-long-but-still-too-long braid, so it would stay out of his face for him to glare at people without interruption.
Now he chewed on his black nails and hoped that none of these pests would actually show up. His chances were high, right? What sane student would want a look at a mortuary run by a notorious deatheater rumored to be off-the-rocks crazy.
Which sane student would go to a mortuary at all?
He almost bit his nail off, when the door to the classroom actually opened to reveal 4 students.
He spotted Longbottom immediately.
The student met his level-headed cold gaze with one of burning hatred. Well, that one was definitely here for the mortuary work.
Rodolphus's gaze left him to examine the others.
A platinum blonde Ravenclaw girl, who seemed to be lost in a daydream, a redhead Griffindor girl (most likely Ginevra Weasley), a dark-haired Hufflepuff boy and Neville Longbottom.
And behind them stood Amycus Carrow.
Rodolphus's face morphed into a scowl faster than he could stop himself.
The other huffed and pushed the Ravenclaw further inside the classroom.
"Don't make that face, Roddy, you almost look like you're not happy to see me." He snickered.
Rodolphus narrowed his eyes.
"Call me that again and I'll make sure you're the next on my table." He said coldly, standing up and subtly taking his wand from the chair.
Miraculously, Carrow was quick to disappear.
He smiled to himself.
That man was truly all bark no bite.
But now he had a different problem. One of them was currently trying to burn a hole through his head with just their glare alone.
He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes.
He was too tired for this world.
"So." He said and turned around to pull the gurney into full view.
"I'm pretty sure none of you are actually interested in the subject of my field of work, so I suggest you leave."
When he turned around again, he was met with Longbottoms never never-changing glare, that could almost level Rodolphus's own, and Weasleys slightly worried face at the sight of the body. The other two looked actually curious.
"No, thank you. We're very much interested." Weasley said, her voice and face telling him otherwise. Longbottom had probably not spoken because he would start spitting fire if he opened his mouth.
"Y-yes. I would actually like to know, w-what- what subjects I would need to take to work in the field." stuttered the Hufflepuff.
Rodolphus's eyebrows shot up.
The serious interest was unexpected.
"The only needed subject is runes, but care of magical creatures and defense against the dark arts is strongly advised as well." he answered calmly.
Now, all the students looked actively confused.
The Ravenclaw girl tilted her head, almost like a curious bird.
"What is magical creatures needed for?" The Hufflepuff asked.
The girl turned to look at him.
"For the biliwibsy dance, of course. They like to swarm around places connected with death."
Rodolphus blinked once. He had no idea what just came out of her mouth, but he chose to ignore it in favor of an actual answer. He was used to hearing total bullshit like that from his brother, anyway.
"Actually no. A dead wizard or witch, especially if freshly deceased, is extremely vulnerable to possession, demonic or otherwise. It's not officially stated in any job listings for morticians, but exorcisms are as connected to it as death itself. If your instructor is any good, you'll learn it during training and internships, so the school subjects aren't mandatory. And you obviously go way deeper into the matter than you would in school. But having basic knowledge can't hurt and makes surviving easier."
The group was shocked.
Rodolphus needed to suppress a chuckle at their expressions.
Well, except the Ravenclaw, she still looked like she was caught in a dream.
Since they were so perfectly silent already, he chose to continue, hoping not to be interrupted too often.
"But only one out of a hundred bodies actually comes with a demon attached to it. What is needed in everyday routine is the embalming process."
He put the setting needles and thread on the table.
All eyes were on the instruments in an instant.
"But before I start, I want you to know that this isn't for the faint of heart. And if one of you already feels ill dissecting a frog, this isn't for you and I hardly advise you to leave."
He put extra emphasis on the last words, because he did mean it.
He knew that deathstare-Longbottom was only here to spite him, the Weasley too, from the looks of it.
So he did give them knowing looks, but they defied him by staying where they were.
Rodolphus rolled his eyes and finally pulled the gurney between himself and the students.
"Fine. Don't go crying to your house teachers later, I warned you."
Longbottom scoffed and crossed his arms, challenging him.
Rodolphus swore himself that he wouldn't be nasty to any of these children, but he hated being challenged.
No, no he swore it. The sigh of Rodolphus embalming this Lady should be enough anyway.
Meanwhile, the Hufflepuff looked actually eager to learn more.
The boy cleared his throat nervously and asked: "What... what is that used for, S-Sir?"
Rodolphus forced a small smile on his face.
At least that one wasn't outright annoying.
"These are setting needles and thread. They are used to wire the jaw shut."
The Weasleys' eyes almost bulged out of her head.
"To do what now?" She blurted out, eyeing the instruments as if he planned to use them on her instead of the body.
Not like he wasn't tempted.
"To wire the jaw shut." he repeated.
Longbottoms face scrunched up in disgust.
And Weasley asked carefully "Why not use a sticking charm or something? This feels pretty brutal."
"It does." Longbottom growled.
Rodolphus was about to hammer his head against the wall.
He closed his eyes for a second to calm himself.
"Because even the best sticking charm wears off with time. If the family has to dig the dead back up after some time, for whatever reason, you don't want them greeted by an open-mouthed, inferi-looking corpse. That would be extremely embarrassing for the responsible mortuary. And highly undignifying for the dead person."
"But having your jaw wired shut isn't?" Longbottom hissed. Even the Weasley elbowed him now.
Maybe she sensed that Rodolphus was tempted and very close to skinning Longbottom alive.
"Indeed. Doing your job right and giving a person a proper send-off is dignifying. Using degrading and lazy methods like sticking charms, only to make it quick and be done, is not."
He took a deep breath to calm himself.
Not skinning a student today. Even if it was Longbottom.
"Can I continue now?" He asked, calmly.
The students nodded, looking a lot like a flock of scared chickens. Ravenclaw was looking out of the window and Weasley was grabbing Longbottom's arm, probably stopping him from lunging at Rodolphus.
"Great. Now, the start of the process involves checking the body for identifying marks and noting them down. Do any of you want to try?"
The Ravenclaw nodded.
"I would like to."
Rodolphus nodded and motioned for her to step closer.
"You have to check every part of the body. Meaning you have to turn her on her back too, like so:" he demonstrated how to move the body correctly, and put it back down, for the girl to try.
"And if it starts moving, it's probably possessed."
The girl went over a set of small claw marks on the woman's hand with her wand, noting it to the parchment on the table.
"What kind of movements?" she asked while moving on to the wrist and arm.
Rodolphus had to admit he was impressed.
Not everyone was so calm casually touching a body. The coldness of something normally warm and pumping with life freaked out the most, even some of his deatheater colleagues.
That was probably why he was avoided. He didn't mind the cold or the silence that came with death. It felt quite welcoming sometimes, after returning from a particularly crowded or busy place.
"It can be a bodypart twitching. But sometimes it's as unnoticeable as their expression changing into a subtle smile. Other times they stand up and ask you to kill yourself. It differs."
"The corpses STAND UP?" Hufflepuff and Weasley yelled at once. Longbottom looked disturbed as well but kept quiet. Only Ravenclaw seemed as cool as ever.
Rodolphus held a displeased expression. He hated loud people.
"Yes, on occasion. I should have said before, that demonic encounters are not solved in an hour or two with a flick of the wand.
Exorcisms are draining and can take days. In that time, the demon is focused on setting your demise in motion. Most of the time they try to force you into suicide by showing you the worst of your life experiences. So if one can't deal with their own past, I wouldn't recommend mortuary work."
He and Longbottom were having a straight-up stare-down now. It ended with Longbottom kicking a shelf and stomping out of the room.
"I hope one of them gets you! You filthy beast." he screamed.
Rodolphus noted 'filthy beast' in his mental 'what have I been called instead of my name' list. It wasn't particularly creative, but something new at least.
His emotionless gaze followed the raging boy out of the room, before closing the doors again with his magic.
Without addressing the issue, he turned back to the Ravenclaw, who had stopped examining the body to look after her classmate.
"Are you done?" His tone might have been a little too rough for comfort, but it looked like she didn't mind.
She nodded and handed him the complete list.
He didn't need to compare it to the one he made earlier. He knew that everything was correct, the information still listed in his mind.
He nodded approvingly.
"You got it all. Good. Then we can move on."
A mischievous smile crept onto his face.
"Any volunteers?"
He had actually planned to make Longbottom do this, but his victim had broken even before he could come to the grim parts.
The door opened, interrupting him. Again.
It was Amycus Carrow.
Rodolphus had a new plan.
"Lestrange, why did one of your students come running out of here, trashing the fucking Corridor?" The man sneered.
The students all backed away a little. Rodolphus didn't even want to imagine what it was like to be in class with the Carrows as teachers. From the children's reactions to the man, it wasn't great.
Had he planned on psychologically fucking them up? Maybe a little, yes. But they came here out of their free will, ruining his chance to get away from this hellhole faster. So this was definitely their fault.
Being taught by a cruel fool like Carrow on the other hand hadn't been their choice.
He cleared his throat and absentmindedly put a few already loose strands of hair back behind his ear.
"I threatened to gut him and make stew out of his insides." he said as monotone as he could muster.
Carrow's expression said that he was confused about if Rodolphus had said the truth or if he was shiting him.
Rodolphus himself wasn't sure if that came back to his reputation or Carrow just being a fucking idiot with exactly one (1) active brain cell.
Mabey both.
He decided to go a little further.
A smile spread on his face. It should have been welcoming, but he knew by now how unsettling people found it. They told him plenty of times.
"Actually Carrow, it's great that you're here. Don't you want to demonstrate to the present students how to wire a bodys jaw shut?"
He held up the setting needles, to emphasize his 'friendly' invitation.
Carrow turned green in an instant.
"Stay away with those muggle torture devices of yours!" The man hissed and sauntered off.
Rodolphus may have forgotten that he wasn't alone, along with all the pureblood manners his parents had drummed into him, and scoffed "Pussy."
The Hufflepuffs badly contained snort brought him back to reality.
"Anyway. Let's move on, or we're not done until Yule. I'll show you how it is done. And if one of you wishes to try, you may. Don't worry about the body, she is not in pain, she is dead." He needed to emphasize this all the time. Sometimes he wondered why people even wanted to have their loved ones embalmed, when they called his magical and necessary tools 'muggle torture devices' and ran away screaming when they saw what they were used for.
Carrows reaction wasn't exactly an uncommon one. And despite all that prejudice against the job, in the end, people still paid a lot of money to get it done.
Especially if the mortician was good, which he was.
He had been considered the youngest and best in the United Kingdom once. Before Azkaban.
He took the needle and pulled the threat through. He opened the woman's mouth wider and began to explain to the students where to best start to process. Then he set the needle down and tipped it with his wand once, very gently and carefully.
Then he swung the wand, enacting a strong pushing spell.
It worked, as always, and the needle was hammered through the flesh, fast and clean.
"Oh shit what the hell!" Weasley called out, but didn't step back. She seemed very put off, but also weirdly interested. Maybe Longbottom's presence had stopped her from showing the little bit of interest she had.
Well, then even more good riddance.
"That needs to be done a few more times. Any volunteers?" He was met with silence.
Ravenclaw was lost in her own world completely and the others were clearly unsure how comfortable they were with doing something like this to a body.
He smiled tiredly and did it himself, then he put the needles away with a quick flick of the wand and pulled threat to close the woman's mouth permanently.
The students all seemed to relax as he finally put his tool away.
But instead, he now pulled the eyecaps out of his bag.
"Now, eyecaps. A muggle-invention, perfected by magic. They are used to keep the eyes permanently closed. Wizards gave them the additional use of preventing the body from rott since we put runes into them."
"I don't mean to be disrespectful, I just want to know-" Weasley started, letting him know that the next sentence would probably be disrespecting at best. Or she was scared of him strangling her to death if she spoke up. At this point, he couldn't really tell.
"-but why do we have to use these. I mean... why have the eyes closed at all?"
Rodolphus just stared at her for a moment, contemplating where she was on his 'People I despise'- list.
But no, he shouldn't be like that.
She just asked a question, she's just curious.
Just be nice, once.
He sighed.
"Well, okay. How does looking at her right now make you feel? What does she look like?"
The girl furrowed her brows, then turned to look at the body, the others doing the same.
"I... she looks like a dead person."
"How do you feel in her presence?" He asked calmly. He felt like patting himself on the shoulder. In his opinion, he was being very generous and patient right now.
Congratulations to yourself Rodolphus.
"Unsettled." She decided.
Rodolphus nodded, then motioned to the others. "What about you?"
Ravenclaw seemed deep in thought when she finally spoke. "I feel closer to people, and far away from them. I don't think I like it."
He nodded again. He wasn't sure about her cryptic wording, but the overall statement that 'death isn't nice' was enough for him.
"I'm unsettled too, I think. B-but interested, too!" Hufflepuff stumbled over his own words once again.
Rodolphus leaned forward, and carefully closed Dorothy Page's glossed-over eyes with two of his fingers.
"How does she look now?"
"Asleep." Ravenclaw said, before the others had even started thinking.
"Right." He said and took his hand away again.
"Death disturbs us because we can't comprehend it, or what comes after it, maybe we've lost loved ones to it. Sleep, on the other hand, is calm, it's reenergizing. We dream when we sleep.
Rationally, the human brain knows that dead people are dead. But the simple notion of closing their eyes eases our minds, even just a little bit.
Sleep symbolizes being calm, and carefree, so if we see them like this, we hope that death is like that for them, a good night's sleep."
He ignored that he hadn't had a good night's sleep in years, for the metaphor.
And he saw the accusation in the children's eyes. Saw them try to fit him killing people with his outlook on death into one pot.
Well, whomp whomp children.
The secret was that he didn't care, and just liked the silence the dead provided. He didn't want to get into the detail of how good killing made him feel, because he was pretty sure that wasn't considered normal.
In his defense: he hadn't killed someone in a while. Mostly because it felt like cheating.
And because it would be bad for business. You don't exactly consider the murderer of your loved one the perfect mortician to trust.
He took a deep breath and continued, fidgeting a little with the small box that held the caps.
"And before you ask that ridiculous question again, no, a sticking charm is not the same.
They preserve the natural appearance of the eyes, even if they sink or dehydrate throughout the embalming process.
And, even more important for the morticians themselves, they prevent that embalming- and or- body fluids leak out through them."
"Oh, Merlin, that can happen?" Weasley just couldn't hold herself back, could she?
"It's perfectly natural." He clarified.
"Anyway-"
He took the caps out, and showed them to the kids. "-the left one has a rune for protection, the right one is for preserving. I doubt that any of you want to try?"
They all simultaneously shook their heads.
"Good." He put them in rather unceremoniously, and finally closed her eyes.
Next, he took five bottles out.
"Okay, now you can mix the embalming fluid. At this point I want to clarify, again, that this is going to be graphic." Another stern look at them, but they stayed put. Well, he couldn't warn them more than that.
The students mixed the fluids and the Reagent correctly. He explained to them what they did and what they were for, especially the Reagent.
"It's demon blood. Only one drop is supposed to prevent a demon from entering her body. But that only works when she isn't possessed already."
"D-do you think she is possessed?" Hufflepuffs eyes were wider than a quaffle, holy Merlin.
He shifted his eyes back to the body, looked her over.
"I can't tell you, honestly. But she has yet to tell me what a sad disappointment I am and that I should kill myself, so it's probably fine."
"That sounds taxing to hear often." Ravenclaw mused. Rodolphus rolled his eyes in a very unpureblood way.
"You get used to it. Anyway. You mixed the fluids right, now they have to get into the body and the blood needs to get out.
Muggles use a machine, we have magic. But we have to cut her open regardless." He saw Weasley prepare to rant, even take a deep breath to ask stupid questions and complain, but he held up his hand to stop her.
"I need to cut at the carotid artery and jugular vein." He stepped forward, and couldn't help notice how all the kids carefully backed away a little. Good.
"Right here." He pointed at the spot on the neck.
"And yes, Weasley, I have to. I use a simple specialized transfer spell, that transfers the embalming fluids into the body. But I need the blood out at the same time, which magic can just not do fast enough without an opening cut in a place like this. If I wouldn't do it, she would literally burst open in a fountain of fluids. Which we don't want."
She slowly shook her head.
"You say that as if it happened before." Ravenclaw said. He wasn't sure if she just was like this, or if she was high as fuck. Her voice had an airy tone to it, and her eyes never seemed to really focus on anything particular.
"I was sick, and asked my brother to prepare the last body. Let's just say, that I always stress this point since then and that he isn't allowed near the bodies anymore."
"Holy shit." Hufflepuff blurted. Then his eyes widened as he realized what he just said, and he reddened slightly.
"Yeah, you could say that." Rodolphus just mumbled. Rabastan was a fucking menace, even when he didn't want to be. Also, the reason why he didn't let his brother cook anymore. The risk was just too high.
He spoke the incantation for his transfer spell, and quickly made the cut on the neck.
The students all flinched, Weasley putting a hand over her mouth, to hide her scowling face.
"The body needs to drain for a while now. You can go eat something or just take a break. We're not done with the good part yet, so don't come back if you feel unwell. Goodbye." He gestured to the door, and it opened.
All three quickly left the room, but assured they would come back.
He did believe them, too. Especially Hufflepuffs interest felt earnest, but he wasn't sure if the demonic side of his job wasn't too much for the boy. Weasley and Ravenclaw seemed just along for the ride out of interest in the topic. Or his person, maybe. The newspaper liked to spew shit about him if they couldn't find anything else interesting for the day. Maybe they were just here to find out if some stupid rumors were true or not. He honestly could not care less.
But he could also not deny that it made his heart jump just a tiny tiny little bit, to have someone he could explain all this to. His passion.
He leaned back in his chair, and watched Dorothy's blood flow out of her, in much welcome silence, then closed his eyes.
Yeah, it was kind of nice.
When he opened them again, he saw not the empty classroom, but the cold corridor of his home. At the end of it hung his mother, her blood pooling on the floor.
Slowly, with the sickening sound of a body cracking through it's rigor mortis, her head turned to look at him.
"Slit your wrists."