Chapter 2
“You’ll be okay?” Lily asks, holding his shoulders, there’s that look of concern in her eyes, the one he despises. As if he’s a small child who needs to be monitored around the clock. He’s not. He can take care of himself.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He snaps back, taking a step backwards and fumbling his keys around as he tries to poke them inside the lock, ignoring the way his hands are shaking. He doesn’t like this one bit. There she is again, so suddenly. Back in his life. Even more beautiful than he remembers her, more mature, she looks happier, confident, and she is here making her dreams come true. She is everything he hoped the both of them would be by now, except he fell behind and never quite made it there.
It’s infuriating.
“Because you’ve been drinking.”
“Like literally everyone else.”
“You’re not everyone else, are you?” He looks up from the lock, the keys sticking out of them. Lily’s got her hands resting on her waist, James wonders if there’ll ever be a day where he won’t hate himself for letting her see so much of who he truly is on the inside, hidden behind the layers of happiness and sunshine.
Lily is the only person who knows he doesn’t shit gold and barf rainbows, she knows he can be mean and ugly.
She knows he isn’t right in the head, how is he supposed to look her in the eyes when she can see straight through him?
He runs his hands through his hair, knowing it’ll be sticking up in all directions now, making him look ridiculous. God, he knew he shouldn’t have gone here. Why couldn’t he just be a little less of a loser, of a dependent child, and just go and study in Italy? He would’ve been freed of his past and able to start over.
Softly, he bangs his forehead against the door. It’s just not fair. It’s their dream, it’s always been their dream, going here, to Edinburgh university. Lily’s always dreamed of the old architecture, the fog hanging low in the cobble-stoned streets, the orange leaves on the streets and the whole goddamn romanticized picture. James just wanted to be wherever she was and got more and more excited whenever she showed a photograph, or shared a story. So when at the last moment he decided not to go to Italy after all, Edinburgh was the next best thing.
Probably falsely, he’d hoped Lily would’ve chosen to do something like literature after all, she spent most of their teenage years debating between that and marine sciences. One of them her life-long dream, her true passion, the job she’s always wanted most in the world. The other just for the fun of it, because that’s just typically Lily, getting a degree in something just because she thought it’d be something fun to do. She’s always planned on doing both, one first and then after graduating move on to the next. It was a 50/50 chance, he got unlucky. Too late to change any of that now.
“Have you been drinking again?” This is exactly what she does. She probes, and she demands answers, and she won’t take no for an answer, and eventually, she will get the whole nasty truth out of him, because she always fucking does.
He wanted so badly to start fresh, be perfect James Potter as he used to be, with the people who know differently far out of his sight.
“No, Lily, just tonight.” He pulls open the door, thinking about slamming it in her face. That’s rude. She’s just trying to help him, and he hates it. That time has passed, where he would let her. She betrayed his trust and tore him into pieces. He’s surprised she can even stand being with him for this long. Didn’t she say he was exhausting to be with?
“And it’ll end too, to-“
“Yes, like I said. Just tonight.” He repeats. Complicated. She said he was complicated. As if he hadn’t known that for years and years. Aw, poor and tragic little Lily, getting tired of being with him. She wouldn’t last ten minutes inside his brain. She’d tear her flesh open and rip apart whatever it is that’s inside his brain and makes him like this, it’s what James would do if he wasn’t such a coward.
“Good, because I’ll be keeping an eye-“
He slams the door in her face. A smile forms on his lips. Oh, that felt good. That felt really good, to just do that. He chuckles under his breath.
“You can’t make me hate you, James Potter!” Her voice carries through the door.
“Watch me!” He shouts back, feeling hot in the face from the rage coursing through him right now.
“You can’t push me away like you do with everyone else, I’m not leaving!” The comment stings so bad he says something very mean, because that’s just what he does, right? “Good, you’ll freeze to death!” He regrets it as once as he always does when the evil creature up in his brain wins and makes him mean. He almost trips over his feet as he starts walking away from the door, wondering if this is even him at all.
Ask someone, anyone else about him, and they’ll tell you James is the happiest guy you’ll ever see. Self-confident, easy-going, good-natured, sunshine himself. All positive personality traits piled into one handsome ball of flesh.
Ask James and he’ll tell you the exact opposite.
“It’s summer, I can sit outside your door all night and be totally fucking fine, asshole!”
“Have fun with that!”
Ask Lily and she’ll tell you he’s both. She’ll tell you James is funny, makes people feel good about themselves, lightens up every room he walks into and is great company to have.
But she’ll also tell you James is a secretive person and likes hiding things about himself. That he struggles with himself and his brain and doesn’t always feel as happy as he looks.
She’ll tell you it’s fun being with him until it’s not.
He waits by the door until she’s gone, getting mad at himself for not having taken her home. “Fuck.” He curses under his breath, seeing images of her being kidnapped, murdered, tied up in some van. All because he’s too self-consumed to set aside his anger at her and take her home like a guy should do. The thought makes him feel sick and he pulls open the door.
“What are you doing, James?” She asks him, without looking to the side. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, the air is cooling down a lot now, it’s getting chilly.
“Just walking you home.” He says, thinking about all those times he’s walked her home. He never imagined he’d still be doing it now, not after everything that’s happened.
He wishes he could go back to that, to being sixteen and not having any responsibilities, or pressures, for the future to be something so far away he couldn’t fathom the existence of it. Back then he could just be, and it was fun to be with Lily.
Until it wasn’t.
She shakes his shoulder, it feels awkward, they haven’t touched in over a year, “Thanks.” She smiles. “But, I live right there.” She points at one of the student accommodation houses just a couple houses over from where he lives.
He can feel his face fall. Having to see her in class every day is one thing, but living this close to her? Having to be confronted with her presence this often? He doesn’t know if he can handle that. Even though over a year has passed since it all went wrong, the wound’s still fresh, it still stings, and he’s not sure it’s ever going to stop stinging.
Lily’s just a constant reminder of what will happen if he lets people in, and having her this close will hurt, a lot.
“Look, I didn’t even know you were here at all until tonight! I thought you’d gone to Italy!” She rambles, she must think he’s upset at her, blaming her for purposely choosing to live this close to him, like a taunt.
“It’s fine, I know you’d never.” He grunts. As badly as he likes to think of her, Lily Evans is many things, but a bad person? No, that she is not.
A little over caring maybe. Too anxious.
And Jesus, her maternal instincts are something else.
“If you don’t want to see me-“
“No.” James interrupts, as much as he wishes it was someone else, though who? Not sure, having a friend here is very important to him in this moment. Even though it’s Lily, or maybe especially because it’s Lily, he feels a little less lonely.
He feels like the brutal crying session he’d planned for his first night here might not even be necessary, because the thought of her being just down the street makes everything a little more bearable.
“No, I’d like to- I mean if you don’t mind, of course. I’d like to have you near.” It pains him to utter the words.
Knowledge is power, and he’s learned his lesson. Made plans to never share anything going on inside him ever again. But it’s Lily, there’s not a lot she doesn’t know yet, so sure, she can know he’s crumbling to pieces because of this big change, she can know he needs her, as much as he hates that.
“Okay, see you tomorrow.” She waves at him as she walks up to her front door. When she’s safely inside James walks back to his own place. He passes through the common room, but is disappointed to see no one’s there. Likely, everyone’s already asleep. Smart, he should’ve done that, now he’s got to show up at his first day of school looking like a sleep-depraved zombie.
He takes the stairs, quietly, making sure not to wake up any of his roommates. Would they be nice? He hasn’t even seen them yet, he just arrived this morning, and while he was here earlier that month, moving in his stuff with his parents no one had been here.
Why do people grow up again? Move out, start uni, get an own life, that kind of crap?
Imagine how nice it’d be if his parents were here right now.
As he steps inside the room he notices that his roommate, who so far hadn’t shown up yet, has finally settled in.
Unpacked boxes are stacked along the walls and the guy is sitting up in bed, looking through one of James’ books. He feels a rush of anger. Who the fuck does this guy think he is, going through his stuff like that?
At once the underwhelming feeling of safety he’d mustered up earlier dissipates all together. How is he ever supposed to feel comfortable here if his roommate apparently likes to go through his stuff?
“Oops, sorry, hi.” The guy jumps up from his bed and throws the book on James’ desk. It collides with the wall and falls down in such a way that most of the pages fold. James feels tears well up in his eyes. The desire to call his mom and beg her to save him from this place is stronger than ever and he stands silent, his hands balled into fists at his sides, as he tries to figure out how to approach this situation.
“I’m Sam.” He wants to punch the guy in the face, instead he somehow manages to summon a smile, followed by a polite nod. “James.” He grunts, then he reaches for the book, smooths out the pages and puts it back on the shelf where it belongs, wondering if the guy went through his journal too. James might actually jump off the roof right now if he did that.
“Bit tired.” He says in a near whisper, not sure if he’s hiding his fury well. Sam looks as if he’s about to say something but James slides under the blankets and turns his back to him.
He’s too worked up to fall asleep and too tired to properly think, or process anything that’s happened today. His brain jumps from stupid things he might’ve said at the bar, to cursing himself for leaving Chloe like that without getting her number, to his weird interaction on the plane, to being a complete asshole to Lily, to this disastrous roommate, to whatever awful things might be ahead of him.
It's still dark outside but James is wide awake. He’s thought things through, tonight. It can’t be a coincidence Lily and he are both here, it must be some higher power at play, making sure they’re together again. It’d be stupid not to make use of this opportunity, and if he’s ever going to win her back, it has to be now, right now. Even though in the aftermath of their breakup James refused to speak to her, told everyone he hated her, and maybe even believed it himself a little, he can’t deny he still loves her, now that he’s seen her again. He misses her, he misses them, and it’s unlikely there’s ever going to be anyone on this planet willing to marry him, so if it’s not Lily, it’s not anyone.
For hours now he’s been making up scenarios, imagining how their meeting that morning will go.
Lily will be standing outside, in one of her prettiest dresses, a blush on her cheeks, and he’ll know just from looking at her that she feels the same. That she too regrets how things have gone and that she wants him back. She’s probably been up all night, baking to distract herself from the nerves, and she’ll drop the box of cookies to run right at him when she sees him open the door. He can see it playing out in slow motion in his mind. Their eyes meet and that lost fire ignites in both of them, James makes his way onto the street as she moves towards him. Her long hair moving in the wind behind her, a growing smile on her face, her green eyes catching the early morning light and shining like the leaves of some tropical plant.
She’ll lift her dress so she won’t trip, like a princess, and when finally they’re close enough, she’ll jump in his arms, the way she used to whenever they’d been apart a while. He’ll catch her and spin her around the way she likes, it’ll make her laugh for a moment before she puts her hands on his face and kisses him in a way that makes up for everything that’s happened and tells him just how much she’s missed him too. Her lipstick will be smeared all over his face, but it’s okay, he can perfectly hear the sound of her giggles when she notices. Neither of them will clean it up because it’s evidence they’re together again, and they both need to see and feel it to know it’s there, that everything’s in the past now.
The wedding will have to wait until after graduation, of course, in between the tests and homework it’d be too difficult to plan it all out now, and Lily will be meticulous in planning, she’d need a lot of time.
Reality, sadly, never quite meets up to expectations.
Sam’s still snoring loudly when James slings his backpack on and glances in the mirror before heading out. There’s dark circles under his eyes from the lack of sleep, and he looks a little pale, compared to usual. Only Lily will notice he looks tired, to everyone else he’ll look fine, handsome. He’s wearing a red shirt, she’d always say red is his color.
Hopefully it looks bold and inviting, hopefully he will click with some people today, make friends, see what this uni thing is all about. This is supposed to be the height of his life, isn’t it?
He’s going to have to buy earplugs today, and a locker, and maybe a new room, or a new roommate, or just disappear entirely without letting anyone know and start a new life somewhere else, like in New Zealand maybe or Alaska. Are there any whales there? There better be, he’d love to be able to just spot some whales out of his window, preferably orcas.
“Where would you go right now, if you were to disappear randomly?” He asks Lily, she’s waiting for him on the corner of the street and hands him a plastic cup with a paper straw. He wonders how it’s possible the straws had to be replaced, yet cups are still allowed to be plastic.
A sting of disappointment hits him, but then again he’s always known he’s too much of a dreamer, they rarely ever come true.
Lily’s not in love with him anymore.
How is he ever supposed to get over her now? Maybe he should go back to hating her, or at least let her believe he does. Distance might be the only thing to save him now.
“Somewhere tropical.” Lily’s face transforms into her thinking face. He takes a sip, notices it’s peach juice, and realizes how much he’s missed this, her, his best friend. Who he can just ask a weird question instead of saying good morning to, who doesn’t think it’s strange but makes an effort to answer honestly.
Someone who remembers he likes peach juice.
Can he be convincing enough so she thinks he hates her?
“Except, without insects and snakes.” She adds. James snorts, “I don’t think that’s possible.” He tells her, and she sighs in return.
They walk in silence for a bit, James wonders how much further the walk will be. With each step it feels as if he’s taking himself closer to the end of his life, when rationally, he knows this is the beginning. It’s stupid and childish, he wishes he was home more than anything else right now.
“Excited?” He can feel her eyes burning right through his soul. For a moment he debates whether to lie. To fake the brave excitement all those people in the bar were showing yesterday. But, it’s Lily, and there’s no point in lying to her.
“I might throw myself in front of a bus.” He answers honestly, looking for one, it’d be nice to know the option’s available at least.
“I’ll join you.” Lily sighs, and her voice is a little shaky. James looks to the side, frowning, he’d never once considered that Lily might be shitting her pants with nerves as well.
“Are you scared, Evans?” The thought brings a smile to his face, he’d forgotten he’s not the only person in this world starting a new life.
She nods, her lips pressed into a thin line, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen her like this. “I’m absolutely terrified.”
Briefly, his own fear is gone, replaced by a need to take care of Lily, and make sure she’s feeling okay. “So you’ve tricked me into thinking I need you, when actually, you need me.” This news exhilarates him, with someone else to occupy his mind with, he can take a little focus off himself. It’s a wonderful distraction.
“Obviously, where’d you leave your brains!” She cries out, fidgeting with the straps on her coat.
“That’s adorable.” A burst of warmth spreads through his abdomen, a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth and the world seems a little brighter. He resists the urge to reach out and take her hand, but walking next to her like this is enough for now. Maybe he can still win her back after all, they made such a great pair, didn’t they?
Maybe she’s the one faking things, maybe, secretly, she still likes him, maybe they still have a chance?
The building appears before them and around them more students pile onto the street. Most are walking alone, some in small groups. It’s strange, how all these different people from all over the world somehow ended up here, walking on the same street, going to their first class, their history and past experiences all erased, turning them into a group of soulless ghosts wandering around looking for purpose, friends, a secure future.
Lily knows James has been wearing the same shoes for years now, and James knows Lily’s favorite book, but none of the other people know that, just like how James knows nothing about them. No one knows of the cat who sleeps in the flower bushes in their neighborhood back home, the one who doesn’t seem to belong to anyone, and who Lily always feeds and gives water while James stands next to her to wait. It’s not like high school, where your parents had grown up together and you all lived close enough to know everything about everyone.
“I lied.” Lily bursts out suddenly, “Your mom called mine to tell you were going here.” She’s biting her lower lip like she always does when she’s upset, a habit she picked up from James.
His good mood is gone at once. He might as well not be here at all, at university. It feels as if he’s still back home, and Lily is still desperately trying to fix him. He remembers why they decided on a break, on some distance. James drove Lily insane, and Lily him. “I’m still your charity project, then?” It comes out meaner than he intends to and he can almost see her shrink under his harsh tone.
She shakes her head and stops him, he glares at her and pulls her into the grass, wondering if she’s forgotten how much it bothers him when people just stop walking in the middle of the street.
They would’ve been great together. If only he wouldn’t have told her so much. If only he was a normal person, and not someone who needed fixing. They would’ve been great together without all his complications and difficulties, and it hurts more than anything else, knowing that he’s the one keeping them from being perfect together.
Finally she speaks, fast, one word so quickly after another it seems as if it’s one long word, rather than a bunch of smaller ones. “Nope, my mom had told yours I’ve been terribly upset all summer because I dreaded this so much, so your mom told mine I didn’t have to worry because you’d be there. The roles have been reversed, James, I can be your charity project now.”
He didn’t want her to be his charity project, he didn’t want anyone to be anyone’s charity project, because that’s not how people work together, he knows. “I always figured this wouldn’t bother you, you know, you’re so independent.” It’s true, James had never imagined someone like Lily would be scared to move out and start university. He’s always seen her as someone absolutely fearless, who does what she wants, he’s always admired her for that.
She shrugs, they can both tell the tension is gone, pick your battles and all that, “It’s still scary, but less so now that you’re here.”
He decides not to fuck up this already terrifying day by being a bitch any longer.
He can start hating her tomorrow.
They have trouble finding the right room, James blames Lily and Lily blames him, they end up hissing at each other in hushed voices as they walk through the hallways. Finally they make it to the right room, a bit too late, and when Lily pulls open the door the entire lecture hall is filled already. He straightens his glasses, pushes his curls around and lifts his chin, Lily walks in front and manages to find them two seats next to each other. James smiles at every person they pass and not a single person doesn’t smile back.
The lecturer isn’t a native English speaker and James doesn’t understand anything that’s being said. Not too long into the lecture he closes his notebook and stuffs it back into his backpack, he taps the person sitting next to him, who he’d borrowed a pen from. James knows to never bring a pen to class, at least not the first few weeks, any opportunity to make friends is one he’ll grab with both hands.
“Hey, thanks.” He says, when the guy takes back his pen and starts twirling it around his fingers.
“Sure, I’m Marcus.” James looks at him, wondering if they could be friends. His clothes are nice, baggy, vintage jeans and a plain shirt, simple yet cool. Other than that he looks like any white guy, wispy hair lying flat on his skull and round, blue eyes and thin lips. Put him in a crowd and James would never be able to find him back.
“James.” He whispers back, flashing a smile.
“Bored already?” Marcus asks, Lily harshly pokes his ribs with her elbow, he tries to not show in his face how much it hurts.
“I just can’t understand a thing he says!” James returns, scooting a little closer to Marcus to avoid more pain. Lily shushes at him, Marcus looks annoyed, he leans closer to James and whispers very quietly, “What a bitch-“
“That’s actually my best friend you’re talking about.” James says, a little too loud, everyone close to them turns to look and glare. Marcus’ mouth falls open and the mistake is clear in his eyes. He can hear Lily chuckle by his side.
“Sorry, man, I didn’t know.”
“No, it’s fine, don’t worry.”
James turns away from Marcus, resting his head on Lily’s shoulder as he tries to decipher whatever it is the lecturer is saying. Something about governing at sea, the difficulties, the way there’s no law, or something like that. James stares out the window, this is not at all what he’d imagined. He thought there’d be classes on sharks, ecosystems, coral reefs and how to save the ocean, going out in the field and doing dissections. What did he care about the difference between port and flag states?
Lily’s shoulder is warm, and she smells like a mix between vanilla and coconut, as she always does. The longing he feels is almost like physical pain and he starts to think of all the things he can do to make her realize they should get back together. In his mind he compiles a list, repeating it over and over so that he’ll remember it still when he can write it out in his notebook, the one with a bunch of foxes and deer on the cover, Lily bought it for him.
He always used to keep all information in his mind, and it worked fine, but apparently you reach a moment in life where, just like with phones, the storage is full. James started to be forgetful, when he never was before, disoriented and chaotic, and Lily taught him to just write things down, it still helps, a lot.
Going back to therapy is an option, not one he’s very enthusiastic about. He could do it for show, though, Lily doesn’t have to know he goes there and stays silent. He can use this to his advantage, moving out, starting university, show her he’s changed for the better, that he’s now worthy of her, that she doesn’t need to look out for him anymore.
He has to show her that this time, they can be girlfriend and boyfriend, rather than disabled boy and caretaker girl.
Isn’t that the same as what his mother had said so many times this summer? “James I love you, and I love taking care of you, but this is a good kind of change, learning to be more independent, taking care of yourself, solving problems on your own, maybe finding a life coach, someone who can be there for you on the long term? I would like to just be your mother again.”
The argument doesn’t make much sense to him, he’s certain they’re the same thing. Mother, and a person there for him on the long term to help him with issues concerning his mental well-being.
He dozes off, repeating the list of things to do so he can win Lily back in his mind. The sudden chattering of a lot of voices and Lily’s voice in his ear wake him up. When he opens his eyes he notices she’s singing a song he passionately hates, one of those really popular summer hits. James and Lily once made a playlist of all the covers and DJ edits of the song and listened to it for hours on end. They both nearly ended up in a mental hospital.
“I knew that would wake you up!” He looks around to see everyone getting up from their seats, walking in a line towards the exits, like a horde of sheep. Lily nudges him and they get up too, joining the line and slowly shuffling outside. It feels stupid, but everything about university already does to James, and it’s only the first day.
There’s a break in between the two lectures and most people group together in the hallways, getting to know each other and making friends. James spots Marcus and drags Lily with him.
“Hey.” They say, and the round of introductions starts all over again. Hi! What’s your name? Oh, that’s a great name, mine’s James. Yes, sure, very nice to meet you. What made you choose to study this, and here at this uni? Haha, your parents took you diving once, too? It really is hot outside for this time of the year, isn’t it? I like your bag, yes I’m sure it holds all the books. It was very difficult to find the classroom, we had the same problem. Haha, how funny you’ve got a tattoo of a wave. Oh, I do too. Wait, we all have the same exact tattoo, how weird?
Lily hauls herself up on the windowsill and James leans against it at her side, talking excitedly with these new people he’s met. As always, they like him, his smile and jokes, his easy way of talking and the comfort he radiates, it doesn’t take long until the conversations all circle back to him. Where’d he grow up? Did he join a club yet? What dorm is he in? Lily says the reason she chose to study marine sciences is Adam Sandler in the movie ’50 first dates’ and at least five other girls say that’s why they chose this as well, the others claim it’s part of their master plan to get Robert Irwin to marry them.
He finds out Marcus is on the same football team as him and they make plans to meet up that night, have dinner with some other guys and go to the first training together. One of the girls tells Lily she’s joined a photography course and James can see Lily get excited, she takes her laptop from her bag and the other girl helps her sign up.
“So, are you two together?” One of the girls asks, pointing at James and Lily, he can see what answer she’s hoping for from the look in her eyes.
Whereas James goes through a moment of hesitation, thinking of the best way to describe their complicated situation, Lily barks out a confident, “No.” Followed by a laugh.
He swallows away the embarrassment and disappointment, which doesn’t take too much effort since the girl steps closer to him and starts putting her number in his phone. “I’m Sophia.” She says, and James thinks it couldn’t have been possible for someone to look less like Lily than this girl does.
Lily’s sitting next to him, swinging her legs, laughing genuinely and looking at the pictures the girl from the photography course shows her with true interest. She’s wearing one of those long floral dresses that James now associates with her, paired with cherry red Mary Janes. Sometimes when she puts on a trench coat she jokes about being a time traveler and having just stepped out of the 50s. She still wears the necklace James got her, a golden heart-shaped locket with pictures of her cats inside, their initials are engraved on the backside.
During class, when the screen with the presentation is too far away, she takes out her green oversized glasses that she got as a little girl, after watching ‘little miss sunshine’. She’s got a penguin plushie hanging from her bag, which is filled with pins of her idols, Taylor Swift is next to Robert Mapplethorpe, and next to him is Peter Pan, who in turn sits next to Daisy Jones. During a drunk night out she had her nose pierced, but hated it afterwards, now she’s got the tiniest hole in her nostril, that you only notice if you know it’s there.
Her nails are each painted in a different color and her socks have a funky pattern, yet don’t clash with her dress. Once in high school she tried to cut her own bangs, which failed miserably, and though she’s gotten better cutting them herself, one side is still always a little longer. James once thought she had a pimple on her nose, but it turned out to be a really bad mosquito bite, he’d tried to pop it and now she’s got a little scar on her nose, the only spot on her face without freckles. Even though she’s had braces the little gap in her front teeth is slowly returning and when she smiles it’s always a little lopsided.
This girl, Sophia, she’s wearing baggy jeans, low on her hips, a tight revealing shirt and sneakers, her hair is short and dark, her face covered in a thick layer of make-up.
They’re total opposites, but maybe that’s good for him, someone who’s not like Lily at all, who won’t remind him of her.
A dark figure crosses the hall out in front of them, he briefly turns his head toward the group of people, and James catches sight of two large, green eyes, and suddenly he can hear his blood rush in his ears and feels sparks flying up and down his body. Just as he’s about to approach the boy, he looks away again, and disappears.
The next lecture comes and goes, a group chat is made and when they’re done James says goodbye to Lily, who’s going to her first photography class, while he sprints home to get his sport clothes and get to Marcus’ place.
Lily’s sitting on the windowsill, legs swinging below her, enjoying the warmth of the sun on her back as she watches James do what he does best. Effortlessly smiling, joking, making friends, people drawing nearer to him as if he’s a magnet because he’s just too irresistible.
Over a year has passed since they last spoke, and though she’s ashamed of admitting it, she never thought she’d see this again. The condition he was in when they broke up was so hopeless, she assumed that was the end. That he’d never be his old, normal self again. But here he is, every bit as friendly, easily likable, and popular as he’s always been.
She looks at him with an overwhelming sense of curiosity. Observing every of the changes time has made in him this past year, while they were apart. He looks taller, his shoulders have broadened and there’s a slight stubble on his chin. He’s grown out his hair longer than it’s ever been, the curls falling graciously around his head. His speech is more adult, he doesn’t grin as stupidly as he used to and his eyes no longer have that spark in them. Though still charmingly boyish, there’s something sober and mature about him that you’d only notice if you knew how he used to be.
A girl steps closer to him and his tone changes into that flirty manner of speech he used on her a long time ago. The girl seems to enjoy it, twirling her hair around her finger and smiling up at him in a seducing way.
All throughout his conversation with this new girl his gaze keeps drifting to Lily’s.
She can see it in his eyes.
She’s spent most of her life with him, she knows him through and through, recognizes every little thing and every glance.
He’s still in love with her.
It’s still on her mind the entire walk home, and she can’t get it out even when she sits on the edge of her bed and starts to get ready for photography class. For a year they barely saw each other, James still finishing high school while she worked, travelled a little. She assumed he’d long be over her by now. That she’d be a distant memory, yet a painful one, and that he’d be unwilling to see her here.
And then the first thing she does when she sees him again after being apart this long is fall right back into that role of caretaker that both of them so despised. She just can’t seem to stop trying to take care of him.
She lets herself fall back on the bed, her arms folded behind her head as a pillow, and stares at the flowers she put up on the ceiling.
Is this stupid?
Will being together only ignite that flame of hatred again, to the point where they can no longer stand being in the same room?
James and she grew up in the same town, though they never met until fate made them classmates their first year of secondary school. Thrown into a new environment, with new people, only freshly twelve years old, Lily was terrified. None of her few friends went there and she felt alone, watching the girls easily make friends with each other as she silently sat in the corner. The redhead, the freckled girl, the nerd, the suck-up, the girl who wears strange earrings with fairies in them and colored tights.
She knew her place among people her age. Had spent more than enough time looking at the differences between her legs and those of the other girls. Scrutinizing her chubby fingers, poking at the rolls in her stomach the others never had, tapping on her chin to try and make the double layer disappear.
Lily Evans, the weird, shy, chubby girl, with no friends and no attention from the male species. And if they did look her way, it wasn’t for the right reasons.
So when James Potter, athlete, most popular boy in the entire school, friends with everyone, main heartthrob, started asking her out, she knew exactly what was going on.
It wasn’t the first time a boy had asked her out, or pretended to like her for a bet, for a little fun, to make his friends laugh, or anything of the sorts.
She knew better than to take it seriously and ignored his attempts, instead focusing on school. On her dream to be the first in her family to go to university. Her deep longing to make something out of herself, a person worth being proud of. She’s always known she’d do great things. That she would work, no matter the cost, to make it happen. Her dreams would come true, and she wouldn’t let a stupid bully take her mind off important things, because she knew that in the end, in twenty years or so, she’d be successful while he’d still be in the same town chasing girls half his age.
The years passed and her dream started to take on a more definite shape. She was working hard for a goal, she wanted to be a wildlife photographer, as well as a wildlife conservationist. Make documentaries, write research papers, raise awareness and work towards a world in which animals can live peacefully, without being at constant danger of the human race. She knew that those animals without a voice needed someone to speak up for them and that she would be the one to do it.
Despite the lack of male attention, her self-confidence grew, she made friends and liked them enough to be able to overlook that she was the only one without a boyfriend, or a first kiss, or even a crush on someone. The boys in her class grew up and went from picking on her to a much more painful total indifference of her existence, but she kept her head high. The right guy would come along in time. A boy who wouldn’t mind her size, the color of her hair, her ambitions or her stubbornness.
James never ended his efforts, and Lily started to take delight in turning him down, wondering why he was still keeping up the act after all these years.
The older they got, the more painful her nonexistent experiences in the field of love. She no longer wanted to see her friends, knowing they’d only be asking whether she’d already kissed someone yet. Jokes were made. Lily would be the last of them to get married, if ever at all. She pretended to laugh along but wondered if they’d ever been afraid no one would ever find them attractive. That no one would ever be able to overlook her obvious imperfections and be capable of loving her enough to actually want to be with her.
She started to believe she wasn’t worthy of love at all, after all, fat girls are undesirable, right? That’s what everyone says, at least.
At work, or parties, she might struck up a conversation with a guy, but he’d usually just avoid eye contact with her and look at one of her pretty friends instead. She wasn’t even considered an option.
The jokes were starting to get less funny, the sight of her friends with their boyfriends more painful than ever, and the prospects of a lonely future more terrifying.
And then she was paired with that annoying boy, James Potter, for a big school project.
Finally, after four years of taunting he promised he’d no longer ask her out on every possible occasion. She wasn’t convinced of him at first, but soon discovered there was a reason for his popularity.
James Potter was actually quite a nice guy.
Who’d have ever thought?
She fell in love with him. With the way he always looked into her eyes with full interest. The way he complimented her outfits and asked her which book she was reading. His stupid jokes and the polite ways of greeting her parents. He recommended her songs he thought she’d like and remembered her favorite flavor of tea, having it ready whenever she came over to work on the project. When she confessed to never having had a boyfriend he didn’t react weirdly and promised her there was at least one person he knew who was head over heels in love with her.
When the project was finished and he asked her out she knew it had never been a joke, a way to embarrass her or a dare for money, and she said yes.
He made her realize there were many great qualities to her, and that she wasn’t defined by what people thought of her. He showed her that yes, she was shy, the kind of girl who people wonder what her voice sounds like, the top of the class, always studying, the weird girl, but she was also someone he, a real, human boy, could really like, love, be attracted to. And she wasn’t what she thought of herself either. She never was the unattractive, chubby girl.
To James, she was like a goddess.
James never loved her despite her appearance, he loved her because of it.
Their relationship was a happy one, with the small arguments and irritations that come with it, but overall, they knew their love wasn’t like what they saw with their friends. They knew they were in it for life.
Even before their relationship, in the days of testing the waters, of the awkward glances and bold words, it became evident to her that James wasn’t always the sunny boy he showed the world, but she’d never imagined it would run as deep as it later turned out to be.
She started noticing little things, that James was tired easily, that he never went to parties long, that sudden change could upset him and when confronted with an unexpected problem he’d completely shut down. She noticed his shaky hands when he had to present in class and the difficulty with which he ordered food in restaurants. How he listened to songs in a certain order, wore the same shoes every Tuesday, and would sometimes get an empty look in his eyes and drift off into a world of dreams.
As their senior year approached, the days got longer, the workload more, the stress unbearable, James started doing worse.
It went slowly, almost unnoticeable. He was sick a lot of the time and often didn’t show up to school. His friends would go days without hearing from him. He was grumpy and exhausted and couldn’t even utter a word to her when she was with him, unable to form words out of the things going on up in his brain.
She didn’t mind. James accepted and loved her for who she was and she did the same in return. She liked sitting in silence with him, staring at the wall and listening to songs in his favorite order. She loved helping him pick out clothes and remind him to brush his teeth, and never got upset with him if he got angry for reasons she couldn’t understand.
On the third day into their senior year he cracked.
But he’s here now. He’s fighting. Beating the odds and though he will always continue to struggle he seems to be doing well.
She gets out of bed and stares into the mirror, reaching for a sweater that will hide most of her body. The parts of it she doesn’t like, anyway.
This time, she won’t smother him.
As the dial tone of her phone keeps repeating over and over again she puts on her shoes and gets her things in order. The voicemail starts and after the beep she picks up her phone and puts on a smile. “Hey! Petunia, I was just calling but you must be busy moving in with… Vernon.” She pulls a face at his name. Who even names their child Vernon! “Good luck! I’m sure it’ll be beautiful and I’ll come to visit as soon as I can and see what you’ve done with the place. I wish you all the happiness in the world, but you know that, right? Anyway, I love you, I’m going to this photography class now, so I hope I’ll like it. Err, yeah, things are fine here, oh! James is doing pretty well, by the way, almost forgot to tell you. Well, maybe you could just call me back when you can? I miss you, so… yeah, love you, bye.”
A tear slides down her cheek and she wipes it away with her hand, dropping her phone in her bag and trying not to think of how her big sister hasn’t called once as she walks to campus. Her mom did tell her Petunia’s very busy with moving, buying things, painting the walls, looking for rugs. Maybe once things have settled down a little she’ll call.
Surely she misses her? Of course her sister’s a bit of a difficult person, but she still has a heart. Beneath all that hateful, if not indifferent behavior, there must be a big sister who loves her little one? Even a tiny bit?
She’d always assumed that once they’d finally both be out of the house it would do good things to their relationship. That maybe they could finally learn to appreciate the other’s company, long for it, even.
Well, time will tell.
Her phone pings, it’s a message from the girl who said she’d take Lily with to the class, saying she’s sick and won’t be coming. What now? Can she just walk in there by herself? She doesn’t even have a camera yet! What if all the girls are friends already and she’ll be the outsider again. She was so excited to start over and make tons of friends here, but can she do that when a lifetime of shyness and a feeling people immediately don’t like her is stuck inside her head?
This is the place she finally got to choose, where it was all supposed to turn around, for the better for her. She was so excited.
Can she walk in a room and say hi? Start conversations? Make friends?
Is she capable of that?
She goes to sit on a bench at the side of the road, fighting against tears. Afraid of being turned down. She’s used to it by now, but the fear of it happening even here, where her dreams are supposed to come true, it’s too much.
“Dad?” She asks in a shaky voice.
“Hey, Lils, how was your first day? Did you see my texts? Did you make friends? Was it fun? How is James doing, his parents are worried to death? I am too, I think? Are you having fun? Did I already ask that?”
Lily chuckles, swinging her legs, “It was fun, and James is okay I guess, I’m about to go to a photography class.”
“Oh my god! A photography class! That sounds amazing!” Her dad says, she can feel his excitement through the phone.
“Yeah… what if I don’t make any friends?”
Her dad is silent for a moment, “Oh, Lils, don’t worry about that. I promise you, you will. In fact, when I looked up at the sky yesterday I could see it was written in the stars!”
She snorts at his cheesy comment, rolling her eyes. “What if I don’t?”
“If you don’t, you don’t. This is only your first day, you can’t expect to find true friendship so soon, but it will come, I can feel it. And I’m your dad so when I say I can feel it you have to believe me.” He commands her, faking a stern voice.
She takes a deep breath, gets up from the bench and grabs her bag, taking small steps in the direction of campus. “What if all year goes by-“
“Are you going to spend the rest of your life caught up on hypotheticals, or will you get out there and try?” Her dad asks, and she nods, knowing she owes it to herself to try. “You’ve got to start building your life, Lily. Surround yourself with fun people and see which ones will stick, because you know we won’t forever, don’t you?”
“What!” She cries out. “My first day of adulthood and you remind me that life isn’t infinite?”
“Well, it’s not, one day your mom and I have to go.” He replies quietly. They prefer to avoid this topic at all times, Lily just can’t stand the thought of death. She’s never lost anyone, ever, so the thought of her parents, of all people, is unbearable.
Thank god she is only twenty years old and that won’t happen until she’s old and gray and hopefully has her brain all scrambled up with age.
“Can you not!”
“Sure, right, I won’t. I was only joking, but you’re right, time and place, have fun okay? They’ll love you.”
“Okay, I’ll let you know how it goes.” She promises, then hangs up.
Hi, I’m Lily. Hi, I’m Lily and I like to read. Hi, I’m Lily and I study both marine sciences and zoology because I’m a nerd, so be prepared to get sick of me really fast. Hi, I’m Lily and I’m in this class because… because why? She sighs, hoping she’ll be able to remember the basics about herself in case of an introduction round.
She checks her watch, ten minutes early. And now? Awkwardly stand in the hall and wait until it’s an appropriate time to enter? Be the first one to be there and giving herself a reputation she doesn’t want, just for this one time. Can she be casual?
In the end, hiding in the bathroom is the best option and she sits in the stall, counting down the minutes and jumping up from the toilet once it’s time.
There’s already some people in the classroom, and thank god they sit scattered through the room, indicating there’s no pre-existing friendships she’ll have to squeeze herself into. She smiles at those who are already sitting and picks a seat halfway across the room, the safest option.
A tall girl on even taller heels struts into the room with an air of importance as if she’s a celebrity. Lily longingly watches her walk, the curve of her slim legs and the way her dress doesn’t fit on her as if she’s hosting a baby shower. Shame sets in and she turns her head, catching a glimpse of herself in the reflection of the window. Does she look ridiculous?
She’s always known that James was the exception. That there weren’t any other boys in the world who would want her. Who would look at her smile, her body, the way she dresses and speaks with the same love he did.
Girls would.
It’s why, as soon as she broke up with James, she came out as a lesbian. And maybe she’s always been one and James was simply her exception, but who knows? It no longer matters anyway, she likes girls, and girls tend to like her.
“Can I sit here?” The girl who strutted inside earlier is standing next to her, one hand leaning on Lily’s table, beaming down at her.
“Sure!”
Her dark, curly hair is fanned around her head, tied into a ponytail by a lace ribbon. She’s got on a long white dress with a fun belt and those tall heels that would’ve gotten Lily her ankles broken, and is chewing gum. Her eyes are large and dark, with long lashes touching her perfectly shaped eyebrows. There’s a gold line of eyeliner above her eye, and a bunch of glitter on her cheeks. Everything about her screams bold confidence. Lily can’t stop looking at the graceful arch of her neck, like a swan’s, and when the girl smiles at her she feels something’s happening inside of her.
“I love your skirt.” The girl says, pointing at Lily’s dress, with the girly floral patterns over her Mary Janes. She feels stupid next to the girl.
“It’s actually a dress.” She says softly, unsure whether she’s just been given a compliment or a backhanded, sarcastic, mean comment.
“Oh! Can I see, if that’s okay? I’m Mary, fashion student, and I just love the pattern and the buttons, you look like you’re a Parisian girl going for a walk in the gardens!” Mary says, clapping her hands together with excitement, and then holding one out for Lily to shake.
Lily’s cheeks flush and she slowly pulls her sweater over her head, sucking in her belly, and quickly adjusts the dress, hoping it looks fine. The heart-shaped neckline is tied together by a little bow and she looks down to make sure everything’s okay and the bow hasn’t come loose, she wouldn’t want to flash this pretty girl. She thinks. Maybe she would?
“I’m Lily.” She knows she sounds shy right now, but how can she not? Sitting next to this beautiful, confident girl?
“It’s very nice to meet you, would you mind if I take a picture of the dress? You’ve just inspired me.” Mary asks, reaching in her bag and taking out a camera.
Lily hesitates, not a big fan of having her photo taken, but Mary smiles so sweetly and sounds so kind she can’t help but stand up and let her take the picture. Her face feels hot when she sits down again, putting her sweater back on, not knowing how to behave. She’s never felt like this before. Except with James, but he was always flirting and chatting away so much there wasn’t a lot of time to think about how he made her feel.
“Hmm, your necklace is twisted…” Mary mumbles, suddenly sitting forwards on her chair and putting her hands to Lily’s neck. Lily gasps, freezing at the feeling of the warm hands on her neck, and feels her eyes widen as Mary gently twists her necklace until the little charm hanging from it is back in place and the clasp is hidden.
“How old are you, Lily?” Mary asks, leaning her chin on her palm and looking at Lily with an intriguing look.
“I’m twenty.”
“Me too! Did you have a gap year?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t do anything super exciting, just saw some cities around Europe.” Her cheeks flush again, thinking of all those people that go backpacking through Asia, working in Australia, snorkeling in the Bahamas or volunteering in Africa.
“That sounds fun, which cities did you go to?”
So Lily tells her, as Mary listens. When she’s done Mary tells about her friend, he’s got a strange name she’s already forgotten, and how his uncle passed away the end of their senior year and left him a massive heritage, which they used in their gap year to travel to whichever place they wanted to and stay at expensive hotels. She tells about the house here in Edinburgh he inherited and how they live there now with a bunch of other roommates and then she asks Lily about a thousand more questions, expectantly waiting for the answers.
Class begins and Mary lets her share her camera. She explains she’s in the class to learn how to make pictures of fashion wants to know everything about Lily’s plan to make documentaries of wildlife. They spent most of the class talking rather than taking pictures or paying attention, but for once Lily doesn’t care about that.
“I’ll see you next week?” Lily says when the class is over and everyone’s packing their bags and getting up to leave.
Mary looks at her for a moment, head slightly tilted, their arms touching, comfortably close in the way only girls can be together. “Well… you said you like to read, didn’t you? My roommate, Remus, wanted to go to some of the bookshops in town tomorrow, maybe you want to come? I think you’d really like each other!” Mary asks, and for the first time that day the cheeks of the elegant, stately girl turn red.
“I’d love to!” Lily returns, feeling that swooping in her stomach again, biting her lip to keep from smiling stupidly and looking at the floor a moment before Mary links her arm with Lily’s and walks outside with her.
“So, Lily, if you’re such a nature enthusiast, what’s your favorite animal?” Mary asks as they walk through the deserted hallways.
“Deer.”
“Deer? Never heard that one.”
“They’re just so magical, you know. Fairytale animals.”
“Yeah, I guess they are… it suits you. You know, my other roommate, Marlene, she’s studying to become a vet, maybe you two could work together, set up a little business to save all the animals on the planet!” Mary suggests. “I’ll ask her to come too, tomorrow.” She claps her hands together again like she did earlier, in that excited way, “It’ll be so much fun!”
“I can’t wait.” Lily says honestly, wondering how it’s possible her dad’s always right about anything.
The sun dips behind a bunch of trees and colors the sky orange as James runs across the field. Everything smells of freshly cut grass and the forests surrounding the field. The air cools quickly and he’s thankful to be working out, enjoying the feeling of the burn in his limbs and the cooling sweat against his skin.
“To James!” One of his teammates yells, pointing at him, and James runs after the ball when it’s kicked in his direction, taking it with him for a while before he shoots it at the goal. His eyes meet those of the keeper and he lets his gaze flicker towards the right, though he shoots to the left. The guy jumps in the wrong direction and behind him all the guys cheer when the ball flies into the goal.
“You’re crazy good.” Marcus tells him, clapping him on his back in a brotherly manner, James likes the way his heart is drumming throughout his entire body, the way he has to gasp for air and the admiration the guys show towards him. Isn’t this the moment in life when you meet the friends that will last forever? Are these the guys? In fifty years, will they be cheering on their sons together?
He feels as if everything’s fallen into place. Lily’s here, he likes Edinburgh, his classmates are fun and he’s had the time of his life tonight, already looking forward to the next training. They’re making plans to eat dinner together before each training session and James can just feel they click, maybe not perfectly, but more so than other people he’s met before. They’re all here for the same reasons, and that brings them closer together than he’s ever been to someone during his high school years, when they were all just there because that’s where their parents bought a house, and were friends because the options were limited. This feels more real.
They finish the training with lots of laughter and are messing around when they walk off the field towards the changing rooms. He notices someone coming down from the stands and walking towards him, and squints his eyes in the darkness to try and figure out who it is.
“How long have you been watching?” He asks her, a spark goes through his body.
“Ehh, not too long, I came after class ended.” Lily answers, “Hi, guys.” She waves at the boys and they all smile back at her, probably wondering what this attractive girl is doing watching their training, and they wiggle their eyebrows and wink at him as they walk inside the building. James wonders too, don’t girls only do this when they like the guy they’re watching? Especially Lily, if there’s anyone in this world who despises running after a little ball for sport, it’s her, she only ever comes for him.
“How was it?” She’s shivering in the cold and he thinks of the sweater he’s got in his locker. He’ll give it to her in a bit.
“It was really a lot of fun.” He can almost hear the smile in his voice, feeling so enormously thankful that he’s had such a great time and is lucky enough to have been put in a team with these great guys.
Lily exhales, blowing at a strand of hair in her face, “Yes!” She seems very happy and must’ve had a great night herself, “I’m so happy you’re having fun, James.” She says. “Now please go and shower, I’ll wait for you over there.” She points at the main entrance and walks off to a little bench standing on the sidewalk near it.
James runs inside and takes a quick shower, there’s towels being thrown around in the dressing room and bottles of shampoo slam against the walls. He’s happy no one here is pretending to be all grown-up already, they can just be a bunch of boys together. The others are still having fun, trying to prolong the night as if they never want it to end, when James says goodnight and walks out the door.
“You’re smiling from ear to ear.” Should he tickle her sides? Or is that weird, now that they’re not together? It used to piss her off, but in a good way, she’d scoff at him for a moment and then carry on with a smile she tried to hide behind a yawn. He misses those days, where he could just reach out and tickle her.
She lets out a giggle and it feels as if gravity suddenly forgot to do its thing and he’s being flattened into a thin layer of atoms. He forgets about the sweater he’d meant to give to her and tells himself to breathe. This is the kind of rage where he goes all silent, his brain shuts off and he can easily tell himself he’s not alive at all and believe it, too.
Just years ago he used to catch glimpses of those giggles in the hallway, when she was talking to her friends, they used to be because of him.
“Tired?” She likely assumes it’s one of those moments where the entire day crashes down on him and leaves him in a paralyzing state of overstimulation. He bites down on his jaw and nods.
“Is it better if I don’t talk?” He wants to know everything about her night, about whoever made her giggle like that. He shakes his head.
The beaming smile returns to her face, though in this moment he hates her he, can’t help but feel a little happy. Her dream has always been to combine her degrees of science and literature so that she can write for magazines, books, research papers, make documentaries, all that kind of stuff. Learning how to do photography plays a big part in that dream, she’s making it all come true, all those things that have been inside her head for years now.
“It’s a great course, one of the teachers is a famous photographer and I’m going to learn so much!” She cracks her fingers, another habit she’s picked up from James. What habits has he unconsciously picked up from her? “I’m getting a camera tomorrow, they told me which to get. But tonight, of course, I didn’t have one yet, luckily this one girl let me share with hers!”
“Oh.” He can’t think of a better answer to what she’s just said. He already knows exactly where this is going to go. The exact moment he’s feared for a year. The one he didn’t think he’d be here to actually witness. He’d hoped to just hear about it from someone, but never guessed to be talking about it with her.
“Her name’s Mary.” Mary, whoever she is, he hates her. He wishes she was dead. He wishes Lily had never met her.
“I think you’ll like her.”
James doubts that.