Chapter 3
Lily takes a book from the shelves and ducks, peeking through the hole she’s created, giving her a perfect view of the opposite side of the aisle. Mary’s there, her head tilted to the side so she can read the names on the spines of the books, finding one she recognizes, or one that looks interesting enough to read the back of it.
At her back she can feel the presence of the boy Mary came with, her roommate Remus. All morning she spent feeling sick to her stomach at the thought of not only going on a date, because this has to be a date, but having one of Mary’s male friends accompanying them. To make matters worse Mary had insisted on Lily meeting her at the house they all live in so she could meet her other roommates.
Intimidating, that’s the only word she can find for what it felt like, ringing the doorbell and waiting for a close group of friends to let her in and meet before they could take off into town.
It’s not that she’s socially awkward, not too much at least, or unkind, or never knows what to say, or any of the sort, it’s just that for some reason she always fails to create friendships out of the people she meets.
In some cases it’s her, she knows that. She’s strongly opiniated, stubborn, knows what she wants and won’t deviate from that, and refuses to be associated with anyone that makes her feel like wasting her time. Sadly, most people feel like that. Their interests never overlap and when she starts talking about for example her political beliefs they soon zone out. As if she can help being passionate about the necessity of feminism when she is quite literally a woman! Not like it’s her fault people seem to not care as much as she does.
And, then there’s the appearance thing. In the back of her mind she knows it’s childish, that she should’ve grown out of this a long time ago, but she can’t help it, it’s programmed into her and she can’t rid herself of these thoughts. She’s insecure about the way she looks and she does absolutely believe that it alters the way people perceive her, and how badly someone wants to be her friend, or not.
Petunia always says so.
And it’s not just that, that fear of how other people perceive her, it’s also how she feels about herself. It’s just not fair, how other girls can eat all the ice cream they want, get endless snacks, drink soda all day and not look like supermodels, while Lily so much as looks at an apple and gains her entire body weight times two. She’s tried it all, skipping lunch, bailing birthday parties to avoid the temptation of the cake, working out excessively, but nothing’s worked.
She’s not pretty enough, not funny enough, not charismatic enough, not skinny enough, her hair gets fizzy and she’s got wrinkles around her eyes from exhaustion, she’s not interesting enough, or smart enough.
She’s never enough. She’s not like the other girls, and she hates it when people claim this sentence to make themselves seem more unique. Being unique is pretty much the only thing Lily’s got going on for her. She dresses uniquely, thinks unlike others do, has a view of the world most don’t share.
But she also feels uniquely flawed, and really, all she truly wants is to be exactly like the other girls and fit in for once.
Except she gets insecure around others because she’s uncomfortable with how she looks, picking at her shirt to hide her stomach, pulling her neckline up over her chin. There’s just always something wrong with her. Something preventing people from actually engaging in a heartfelt relationship with her, no matter what kind of a relationship.
Not even her own sister wants to be near her.
James was the only exception.
A little annoying voice up there in her head was telling her Mary is just another mean girl, pretending to be her friend, or in this case even more, only to use it to make fun of her later. Telling her she’s inviting her to her home so she can humiliate Lily in front of all of her friends.
“Lily!” It’s Remus, a boy, a boy who doesn’t look at her as if she’s a rejected piece of meat he’d rather not share his air with. He looks straight at her without making it seem as if he sees any of her flaws and has complimented her taste in books at least ten times already in the past half hour. “They’ve got a copy of ‘Little women’ here, you said you collect them, didn’t you?” He says, holding up a copy she doesn’t yet own.
“Yes, I do, thank you!” She feels a rush of excitement as she takes the book from Remus, accompanied with just the tiniest hint of jealousy at how Mary has somehow been able to assemble a group of such genuinely kind people while Lily has tried to do just that for the past twenty years and never once succeeded, yet.
“Everyone’s one of the girls, isn’t that true?” Mary comes walking around the corner, holding some thriller novels and a Vogue. “I think I’m Amy.” She says, and Lily can only agree with her. Headstrong, powerful yet elegant, striving for something new and better, always.
“I think I’m maybe Beth.”
“Beth? Really?” Mary says, looking at her with wide eyes, a little astonished.
Yes, Beth. Lily thinks. Stuck at home, afraid to mingle, insecure and softspoken, would rather be among animals than humans, feels like her life hasn’t begun yet, unaware still that it never will.
Beth was as great as any of them, and she knows Jo, just before Beth’s passing promised her that her life did mean something, that she did leave her mark upon the world and that it wasn’t all for nothing, that she existed. But Lily’s not so sure she believes that.
Beth was never marked for death, but who says Lily is marked for a great, meaningful life? She’s spent her teenage years working her ass off to get into university, spending the little spare time she had with James, and now that she’s in university she doesn’t feel changed and for all she knows it will continue on like it always did, with her sitting at home, studying by herself for a better future, forgetting about the present.
However, she does carry each of the girls inside of her. She longs for justice like Jo, sets away her own needs while longing for so much more, she doesn’t know quite what she wants and feels confused about life most of the time, and she’s got a short temper like Amy, the need to always be the best and the feeling the world is unfair and cruel for no apparent reason, and she is like Meg in the sense that she changes herself for people and feels an immense pressure on her shoulders, she wouldn’t mind a quiet life, a loving partner and some sweet children running through her small yet cozy home. A life of travelling the world and making changes is appealing, but one day she’d love nothing more but to have a home.
“Yeah.” She mutters, dragging her index finger over the dusty, cracked spines of the second hand books in search of one she likes.
“I personally would have thought you’re more like Jo. And, of course I only just met you but from what I can see so far you’re fierce, have a strong spirit. You seem very passionate about the things you like and the things you do… oh, ambitious of course, creative, I mean look at you, Lily. Loyal and loving for sure, that sounds like Jo to me.” Mary argues, swiping her hand over some books, making the dust fly all around them like fairy dust, golden in the autumn light peeking through the windows. She, like Beth, believes in magic.
“No, not at all.” Lily tells her, feeling small and insignificant compared to Mary. Ironically, Mary’s everything Lily has always dreamt of being. Mary’s skinny. She has long legs, clear skin, a picture perfect smile, she makes heads turn in the streets and people hang from her lips whenever she talks. People say another girl’s beauty doesn’t indicate the absence of your own, but Lily doubts it. She almost feels bad, for having a crush on Mary, imagining the hit to her ego when she finds out someone like Lily thinks she has a shot at her.
“Why not?” The question takes her by surprise. Why not? What would Mary care about that?
Remus ventures off into the bookstore, leaving the two of them in the abandoned aisle, standing among decades old books, smelling of withered, yellowed pages, gathering dust, years of sitting without having been read.
“Just…” She shrugs, not knowing what to tell Mary. “I’m pretty boring, I sit at home all the time and haven’t spoken to my friends from high school since graduating, so it’s really just me. I kinda just sit around and do nothing most of my life. That’s not very like Jo.”
Mary opens her mouth, a frown appearing, creasing the flawless dark skin between her perfectly trimmed eyebrows, she closes her mouth again, seemingly at a loss of words for the first time since Lily met her. She sets her books on the shelves and steps closer to Lily, gently tapping her on the arm as if she doesn’t know what else to do. “I don’t think you’re boring.”
The urge to roll her eyes is nearly overwhelming. She doesn’t even know Lily yet, how could she know so soon she isn’t boring?
Lily shrugs, she’s not sure why Mary would argue with her. Lily knows who she is and how other people perceive her, why would Mary pretend she’s better and more interesting than they both know she is?
She’s afraid Mary has misread her words and her smiles, and that after that initial curiosity wears off, she’ll realize Lily is not all that she thought she’d be. Strangely, she feels the need to defend her oddity. “I’m not so very pretty, I’ve got the red hair and the freckles, you know-“ There’s no need to point out the obvious. People see it, she knows that. At times people will make jokes about fat people and suddenly fall silent, giving her glances and not knowing where to pick up the conversation again.
Her curse is perfectionism. And if there’s one thing Lily constantly aims for but never quite achieves, it’s that. She can obsess over the tiniest thing for hours on end, panic when her hair looks bad, feel guilty when her shoes don’t match the rest of her outfit, and the list goes on. How could a perfect girl like Mary not see all those flaws?
“What? Lily you’re very pretty! I think you’re one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen.” Mary argues, “You met Sirius, who I know for sure is not into women, and Lily he adored you!”
She snorts, unbelieving. Sirius thought she was funny, and that’s her, isn’t it? The chubby girl with the fun personality, cracking jokes here and there to make people stay. She recalls the moment from earlier that day, going over it in her head to try and decide who is right, Lily or Mary.
“It’s her! She’s here, Mary!” A boy on the other side of the door yells, while Lily’s finger still hovers close to the bell, which she hasn’t rung yet. Her heart races inside of her chest, did they wait around for her?
“Hello there, Lily, it is so unbelievably nice to- oh, wow, you’ve got very beautiful eyes.” A slim boy who looks like an angel opens the door, moving his head closer to hers so he can observe her eyes in all their glory. It’s pretty much the only compliment she ever gets, most of the time she’s bored of hearing about it, but he looks so genuinely wonderstruck she decides to just take the compliment for what it is.
“Thanks, your kids can have’em too.” She replies swiftly, and the boy throws his head back and starts laughing.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I went backpacking across Western Europe?” She adds, enjoying the precious interaction and feeling he’s the kind of guy to appreciate this, so she uses the momentum and throws this one in.
“I have seen Friends, Lily,” He winks at her, “I’m Sirius.”
“Oh, but I’m not, Mary, you don’t have to pretend around me, I know what I look like.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! You know what you look like? Obviously not, you look like a supermodel Lily and I know a thing or two about those, let me show you just how pretty you are in that mirror over there.” She takes Lily’s hand and start dragging her to a tall mirror in the second hand clothing section of the store.
“No, please don’t.”
“Yes, I will.”
“No, you don’t have to do this, I’m odd and boring and always say the wrong things, and I’m a massive Swiftie did I tell you yet? I don’t plan to take on the world, become the first female president or win a Nobel prize. I’ll probably move back home after graduation and even though the world’s going to shit I still want to be a mom!”
Mary falters, still tightly holding onto her hand, and looks her deep in the eyes. “And I still like you.”
Lily shrugs again, not a bone in her body able to believe those words.
“I do. Why do you think I brought you here? I want to get to know you and I’m sure you are very interesting and I will only start liking you more.”
Even after just exposing her greatest flaws to Mary she still won’t give up?
What is she even doing here? Sabotaging herself just because she thinks she’s unworthy of Mary’s attention? When Mary so obviously wants to spend time with her? It’s a miracle, that for once Lily likes someone and they like her back. “Well, I like you too.” She mumbles softly, because although Lily is indeed stubborn, she’s also persuasive, and she can no longer deny the kind glow in Mary’s eyes and the soft tones of her voice. How could she not surrender her heart to a girl so kind and genuine? Mary doesn’t seem to be playing games, or faking anything, and if there’s anything Lily can appreciate in a person, it’s that, authenticity.
Mary beams at her, the smile lighting up her entire face, spreading from one ear to the other, and she swings around the hand that’s holding Lily’s. It sets Lily’s skin on fire, she loses all the words she’d meant to say and feels herself blush? Lily is not the kind of girl to blush at the slightest provocation!
“That’s all the information I really need, Lily, it can be as simple as that.”
She feels herself lean closer to Mary, who’s still clutching her hand, warm and comforting. Her smile is magnetic and the corners of Lily’s mouth start to ache from mirroring it. “It… is?”
“Why wouldn’t it be? And by the way, I’m not a man, Lily, I would never judge a person for liking Taylor Swift, in fact, I’m a bit of a fan myself.” She says leaning in, and whispering it in Lily’s ear. Her breath grazes the side of Lily’s head, moves her hair around, Mary is still holding her hand.
Mary likes her, like, in that way, for real?
“Huh.” Lily huffs out, a little starstruck. This really is easy.
“That boy really did a number on you, didn’t he?”
How is it possible all conversations eventually lead back to James? It started when she was twelve and every girl at school would swoon over him, scratch his name into the bathroom stalls and secretly make pictures of him, and even now, when she is an adult woman, he’s still the star in every play.
“It’s not so simple.” Lily replies, and Mary chuckles at that, saying, “I guess it can’t always be simple, then.”
“No, no with him it never was, something… happened.”
Lily still doesn’t understand exactly what went wrong, or was wrong, or how it all could’ve changed as quickly as it did.
What was the final straw? What was wrong with James?
A year has passed and she still can only do as much as guess.
But after that mysterious incident, after that third day of senior year, he was forced out of school and into therapy, and things only got worse with each passing day
Lily tried to help him, fix him, cure him. James never accepted her help and refused to speak of himself or anything that troubled him. It angered him, whenever she asked how she could help. She didn’t even know what he needed help with.
But she couldn’t bear to watch him get broken to pieces and not do anything. She didn’t like to stand on the sidelines and watch him get sicker with each passing day.
They could no longer understand each other. Lily was deeply hurt by James’ refusal to accept her help and James, well, she still doesn’t understand what went on in his head that year.
For a while they tried to ignore it. Live life as if everything was fine. As if James wasn’t in heavy therapy. As if he didn’t only go to school only five hours a week. As if he wasn’t sick.
But the guilt got overwhelming and Lily started to distance herself from him. Too hurt at watching him do that to himself. Too angry at him for not accepting help. Not understanding why he’d rather live miserably than try and get better.
There’s nothing as painful as watching someone you love as much, someone you thought you had a long, bright future with, someone who seemed like your other half who’d be with you until the end of time, someone who used to lift up her spirits but could no longer lift his own, go through what James went through. There’s nothing in this world that hurts as much as not being able to do anything to make it better. To not have the abilities to take away the pain. There’s nothing like that feeling of helplessness.
There’s nothing as painful as realizing that love doesn’t cure mental illness.
So she broke up with him in the hopes it’d give him a little extra energy, space in his head, or anything truly. A kick in the ass to get up and start fighting for himself.
She remembers the devastated look in James’ eyes. The fear her decision would lead to something much worse. The guilt. The shame that came from walking away. The looks friends and classmates gave her because everyone always assumed she and James would never break up. She remembers telling her parents and having to witness their disappointment that it didn’t work out. She remembers tearing up her scrapbook with the weddings plans, the baby names, the house décor.
She graduated soon after that while James had to stay behind to finish the rest of his classes he hadn’t been able to graduate in that year.
They never spoke again.
“I can’t promise it’ll always be simple for us, Lily, but I know I like you, and if the stammering and blushing means anything at all you like me, so maybe we can just see where this takes us, right?” Mary winks at her and grabs the books she’d set aside in one arm, and links her free one into Lily’s.
“Was this a date, Mary? A date date?”
“I definitely meant it to be a date date, but if Remus hears the word books he’s not backing out, sorry.” She says, looking apologetic.
Lily chuckles, Remus must’ve gotten the message though, he’s left them alone most of the time, and Lily likes him a lot, so it’s not such a big problem to have him here.
“What do you say we ditch him and get a tea?” Mary proposes, arching an eyebrow at Lily and grinning.
“I could do with a cup of tea.”
“Did someone say tea?” Remus suddenly appears at their sides like an apparition summoned by the word, clutching an enormous stack of books and looking overly excited at the mention of a cup of tea. Mary sighs and gives Lily a look.
“Sorry, but I promise I’ll take you on an actual date date after this.” She whispers in Lily’s ear.
The leaves have all gone orange, some of them are falling from the trees already, slowly they pile on the streets.
After the first week of nice weather, things changed, the rain started and hasn’t gone since. The days are gloomy, the dorm constantly smells of wet dogs, James can’t remember a time he didn’t have to put on wet shoes, or a wet coat. He’s cold all the time and his body is covered with bruises and scrapes from the amount of times he’s slipped on the wet grass during practice. The competition season is coming up, but with the prospect of having to stand there in the constant freezing drizzle, he’s not as excited as he thought he’d be.
Lily, on the other hand, is thriving in this weather. Her wardrobe has changed from colorful dresses to corduroy jeans and knitted sweaters. Patterned scarfs and funky mittens, a bright red coat that doesn’t match with any of her other clothing, though it doesn’t bother her. She’s spending absurd amounts of money on carrot cake and coffee and insists James goes with her on her walks.
There seems to be an endless supply of idyllic little winding streets with rows of houses on the sides. They go from café to bookshop to bookshop, to admiring the views. James’ arms are permanently sore from all the books she makes him carry around the little town.
On Sunday afternoons they walk through the meadows, jump in pools like little children and attempt to make a pile of leaves to jump in. Lily hums Halloween songs and they pet the sheep and cows.
She still isn’t in love with him.
After the walks they go home, to either of their dorms, order food and have dinner while watching typical autumn movies like ‘the nightmare before Christmas’, if he’s lucky, if he’s not, she’s making him watch so much ‘Gilmore Girls’ the sound of Rory’s voice haunts him in his dreams.
In the evening they do their homework together, or study. James filters the important information out of the books and lectures and Lily makes summaries that look more like art than school work. At some point in the evening she’ll start having nervous breakdowns about the workload and that’s usually James’ clue to leave, so she can spend all night studying in peace.
Other than Sundays and lectures, he doesn’t see too much of her. She’s spending a lot of time with Mary now. It’s getting tiring to pretend he’s not so jealous he feels like ripping Mary’s head off her body each time Lily mentions her. Even though he tries very hard to be distant, Lily still won’t leave him alone.
He’s starting to think she’ll never be in love with him, ever again.
The days pass in a haze, he didn’t believe it when everyone said the first weeks would pass in the blink of an eye, but they did. In between class and football practice, there isn’t a lot of time left, but add having a social life to that and James hasn’t had a moment to relax since that first day.
Lectures start early in the morning, too early, he barely sleeps anymore, and last until early afternoon. Lily then goes on to her other lectures, since she combines marine sciences with zoology. James always feels a little like a toddler dropped off on his first day of school whenever he watches her go, and follows some of his classmates into the library.
They start out ambitious, but it’s never long until they realize they won’t get any work done and move to someone’s dorm to chill there. On days he doesn’t have practice they stay together until late at night, biking around campus, going into town, exchanging notes or playing card games in the pub. If he does have practice he and Marcus leave early. By the time he gets home, late in the evening, he’s so tired he thinks this is the most tired he’s ever been, but then the next day arrives and the record is broken.
On Friday and Saturday nights they go partying and he goes home with a different girl every week. He never calls them back, out of self-preservation, knowing they’ll only be disappointed he’s so difficult underneath his pretty face, he’s not someone they were waiting for. Someone they can be normal with. He’s not calling them back to protect himself against the heartbreak. When he sees them on campus he’ll wave, and sometimes they have a chat, but that’s about it.
The past few times he’s been going home with Sophia, and since the crippling loneliness and fear of ending up all alone is consuming him, he’s pretending to be normal with her, and it seems to be working. It’s nothing like the movies, and they don’t have a lot to talk about, but at least he doesn’t feel like a total loser, or loner, or both, when he’s with her. At least someone still likes spending time with him in that way.
Their first exams are coming up and they’re sitting in the library. Lily’s got her head on the table, probably holding back tears, as the rest of them anxiously flip through their notes to try and answer the questions on the practice exam.
Weeks have passed and none of the lecturers ever mentioned sharks or whales. They haven’t gone out in the field or done anything exciting. James knows more about fishing practices than he ever wanted to now.
His eyes are heavy and he uses his fingers to keep them opened. He hears every sound, the footsteps on the wooden floor, the books being put back in the shelves, the clicking of a pen, the tapping on a keyboard, the whispers and rustling pages. He’s going insane. His skin starts to itch and he reaches for his shoulders, scratching until he feels the blood thicken underneath his finger nails.
He's gone on automatic pilot, chanting his mantra in his mind, all the time, over and over. Nothing is real. I’m not real. It doesn’t matter I’m tired because I’m not real anyway. What even is existence? This is where he has to stop himself, before he loses himself in the rabbit hole of quantum physics and philosophy.
It helps him get through the days, the zoning out and the daydreaming, but it removes him further and further from reality. He can’t even be bothered anymore Lily doesn’t like him back, his feelings have shut off entirely. He doesn’t feel alive, and wonders if it’ll ever leave. If he’ll ever be able to actually live his life, rather than doing this, and living from one terrifying moment to the next, always telling himself to just make it to the weekend, the next lecture, the evening, another fifteen minutes.
He thought the homesickness and loneliness would break him up eventually, but even that feels like something far off. At times he even forgets to call his parents. It’s sick, and weird, and maybe makes him a psychopath, but he takes the saying, ‘out of sight out of mind’ very seriously. His parents aren’t here, so he doesn’t much think of them, and doesn’t really miss them much either. Not until he’s calling them at least, that’s usually when the homesickness does hit. And he misses his bed, his room, sitting on the couch with them and watching their show. What show are they watching now, that he’s not home?
The loneliness is strange, too. He’s surrounded by people at all times, and they do have fun, they really do. It’s just, they don’t click, connect. James feels nothing for them and wonders if they can notice it. Besides, he has to keep them on a safe distance, the friendships remain shallow and that’s how they last. The only person around here he truly likes is Lily, but he’s distant around her too because she makes his heart ache.
All in all, he hates university, and the thought of doing this several more years makes him sick.
And what about his future? Does he have one? If one morning of classes can exhaust him to the point where he can’t even watch tv because it takes too much energy, how can he ever get a job? How will he have a career, when he’s like this? He’ll have to work part-time, or maybe even not at all. Will he have to live off a sickness benefit? Move back in with his parents after all this?
These things deeply worry him, and looking at his classmates makes things worse. How is it fair they’re able to do all these things so easily? Live so easily? Their futures are so promising, they’ll do such great things, why can’t James be like that? Why is it so difficult for him to just be like everyone else? To just be normal? Have a brain that functions normally? He constantly measures himself to them, though he knows it’s not fair to himself to do that.
He just wishes he didn’t have to be him.
For once he’d like to feel like a human, who can do things everyone can do, and be like everyone else, who can fit in and live life as it’s meant to. For once he’d like to not be this alien creature.
He sighs and pushes his books away from him. It’s all too depressing. He couldn’t care less about the things they have to learn. All interest is gone and every lecture is more boring than the last one. He’s starting to feel beginnings of doubt, but pushes them away every time. This is his dream, it’s always been. It’s not what he’s studying that’s the problem, it’s the fact that he is studying.
The school system isn’t adapted to people like him, or actually, people like him aren’t adapted to the school system, and he feels it every day. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing, being in university is what makes him feel so awful.
No one really knows what to expect for the first exams and he can see Lily’s beautiful summary opened up on everyone’s laptops. Lily herself is still face down on the table.
Even though it’s just after lunch, it’s so dark outside that the lights hurt his eyes. He can feel a headache coming up and shields his eyes from the harsh, white lights, reaching for his headphones to drown out the sounds he’s hearing all around.
He tries to read through the summary, but none of the information sticks. He keeps having to reread, but finds he’s too bored to summon the slightest bit of interest. What does he care how to govern a community after a flood? This is nothing like what Adam Sandler did, when will they have a course on cuddling walruses? Maybe he should drive into a tree, but the thought of living this day until the end of time repulses him.
“Ugh.” Lily groans and gets up, leaving her things on the table and storming out of the library. Everyone on the table watches her go, looking at each other, whispering, “Should we go with her?”, “Is she doing okay?” None of them know Lily’s a perfectionist. None of them know that in high school she was the girl who worked her ass off and still got mediocre grades. None of them know about the pressure she puts on herself to perform well, get the highest grade in the class.
“I’ll just check on her.” James whispers, pushing back his chair as quietly as he can and taking Lily’s coat before he goes outside.
She’s sitting on the steps outside, watching over the beautiful scenery. It’s like a painting. The tops of the coloring trees, the cute little buildings, the fog hanging low and the geese traveling to warmer places. James squints his eyes and follows them, in their perfect formation, flying with absolute freedom, and wishes he could join them.
Life for them is so much simpler, when it’s just eat or be eaten, fly to a better climate. They don’t worry about their plans unexpectedly getting canceled, misunderstanding others, dying alone, checking the lock on the door a million times and still not believing it’s locked, seeing a new mole and being convinced of skin cancer.
“You always do this.” He says as he sits down next to her and hands her her coat. “And in the end it’s always fine.” It’s already cold enough outside for his breath to turn into fog. He watches the whiteness swirl through the air as he breathes out hard.
She scoffs, “You’re one to talk.”
He holds back the sneering comment on his tongue, “Can’t you just tell yourself the same things you tell me when I’m like this?” He asks instead.
“No, because you’re sick in the head-“
“Thanks, Lils.”
“-And I’m just worried about a stupid test.” She sighs again. He knows exactly what she’s thinking right now. He thinks it all day long. How ridiculous it is that they worry about tests, and being tired after school, and never finding love and having to listen to someone chew, when there’s people out there living in warzones, in third world countries, people who would kill for having the privilege of worrying about not being able to work and live in the house he always imagined himself living in. There’s homeless people, children whose parents can’t afford birthday presents, sick people and all the horrible things in the world, and here they are.
James still has both his parents, they’re loving and supportive, he’s rich, he’s brought up well, he’s in school, people like him, he has tons of friends, he’s one of if not the most intelligent person in his class, he’s conventionally attractive, he’s never had to worry about food or a winter coat or a place to sleep, he hasn’t lost anyone he loved, and yet he’s unhappy.
More than unhappy, he’s unwilling to live this life. This fairytale life, where he’s been handed quite literally everything, except for a healthy mind.
It feels wrong, and it’s one of the reasons he never tells anyone. He couldn’t even stomach talking to his therapist when he knew that right outside the window there was always this one junkie, his age, who wouldn’t make it to his twenties.
“How can I help?”
She turns her head, and he notices her teary eyes. “I don’t know.” Her voice sounds so small.
He leans back on the steps, thinking, then takes something out of his bag, a flyer he took for himself, but he knows he’ll never use it, though Lily might. “There’s counseling, here, at uni. For sick people like you.” He jokes, smiling a little. It’s just a combination of fear of failure, perfectionism, and determining her self-worth based on grades, putting this immense weight on her shoulders, studying herself into her coffin. Nothing a few counseling sessions can’t fix. Not like her brain isn’t properly wired.
She sniffles, wiping at her nose and takes the flyer, her bottom lip shakes, “I didn’t mean that, James.”
“No, I know.”
“I don’t think you’re sick.”
“Well, I’ve got the papers to prove it.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re sick, you’re just…” He can tell she’s struggling for the nicest way to describe his situation. “… you’re like that narwhal, you know, the one that was adopted by those beluga’s? A little different, but just as cool, and beautiful, except in another way.”
A moment passes until James snorts and breaks out in laughter. That’s both the sweetest and most ridiculous thing anyone’s ever said to him. Lily joins in and they sit on the steps, clutching each other’s hands, gasping for air through the laughter.
“Have you told anyone yet, about any of it?” She asks, when the laughter passes and they can breathe normally again.
He starts picking at his nails, shaking his head. “No, don’t think I will.” He knows exactly what will happen once he tells someone. The change in their behavior, the way they treat him, talk to him. The look in their eyes. He’s honestly just surprised none of them have noticed yet, usually after spending a certain amount of time with someone they’ll clock it.
James knows he’s not like other people, there hasn’t been a moment in his life he hasn’t felt like an alien, and others see it too, if they look hard enough. They’ll notice he’s not one of them, and for years he cracked his head on trying to figure out what it was about him that made people uncomfortable if they got too close. He knows he’s charismatic and funny and kind and a good friend, and others know it too, how else would he have gotten that popular and have so many friends? But it’s when he drops the mask that they start to look weird, and he knows now what it is.
When people see through him, through the jokes and the charisma, the picture perfect boy, the handsome grin and his trained body, they experience the uncanny valley effect.
“They’re not like you, Lils.” He sighs, Lily never thought much of it. She knew him long before he got diagnosed and to her the label never meant a thing. To her he’s just James. “They can’t even go five minutes without making a stupid joke about it, I swear, haven’t you noticed?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“What do I get if they make a comment within five minutes?” He grins at her, awaiting her answer.
She tucks her fiery red hair behind her ears and smooths the top, her hair always seems to explode in the cold weather. “I’ll watch that awful movie with you. But if they don’t, you join me on my walk this Saturday, too.”
“Deal.” He holds out his pinky and waits for her to curls hers around it. She defiantly rolls her eyes, obviously not happy about the possibility of having to watch the bloody action movie, and they get up and walk back inside.
James points at the clock and Lily nods as they sit down at the table.
“You okay?” Some of them ask, and Lily stammers awkwardly and nods, putting on some music and going back to studying.
Every now and then James and Lily will look at each other expectantly, making funny faces and whispering threats, hoping to win the deal. Lucky for James they’ve been in the library long enough for the school work to be forgotten, their study mates are all caught up in conversations now and he knows it won’t be long until they have to make a comment. It’s as if after a certain amount of time, no matter what, their brain has to throw in a joke.
“Eh, would you look at that.” One of the boys points across the room at someone walking around barefoot, and James feels a smirk forming on his face knowing he’s won. “Bet he’s autistic as can be.” He says in a degrading tone, his lips curled in disgust.
James looks down at his hands, folded in his lap, he tries to refrain from scratching at his shoulders. As much as he tries to be happy about winning the bet, the comment stings, it always does.
Lily’s head spins around at the speed of light, a furious frown forms on her face as she looks at the barefoot guy, and then back at their classmate who made the comment. She gasps loudly, and James hopes she won’t get too angry.
“How dare you!” She hisses, her face going red from anger. If comics were real, there’d be steam coming out her ears now.
The guy laughs it off, completely unaware of the fact that making a joke like that is wrong, offensive, and shows how small his brain capacity is.
People don’t seem to realize that autism isn’t a quirk, something that makes a person weird, or exceptionally smart, or different than others. It’s a disability. It’s there every second of every day and influences every part of someone’s existence.
There’s nothing to joke about.
“What?” He looks around the table, mimicking the way the barefoot boy walks, and he gets laughs, too. James looks at the bathroom door, estimating the time it will take him to get there.
“You can’t just say that, that’s so hurtful!” It’s clear Lily’s too upset to properly put into words what she’s truly thinking right now.
“What, you autistic or something?” He laughs, still getting laughs from the others, convinced he’s just the funniest person in the world. “You’re too pretty, pretty girls aren’t like that.”
Lily slams her fists down on the table and the laughter dies out. She jabs her finger at the guy’s chest, spit flies from her mouth, “You’ve got absolutely no fucking clue what it’s like to have autism, so it’s best if you never mention it, ever again.” James bites the inside of his cheek, he wishes Lily didn’t have to defend him like this. He wishes he could be the prick making a joke about an illness that he knows nothing about.
To his regret, James knows all about autism, and what it’s like to have it.
Nothing in the guy’s complexion shows the slightest bit of regret, or understanding of anything Lily’s saying. James is tuning her out, too embarrassed, but he can see her mouth moving.
The others start awkwardly shifting in their seats and eying James, he’s been suspiciously quiet, now they’re suspecting of him. He can’t have that, they can’t know.
“All right, I think we get it.” He says in a jokey manner, and he can see the shift in the others, the relief, thank god, we’re not sitting at the table with a lunatic.
Lily’s mouth hangs open, mid-sentence, but when she catches his eye she lets it go, sitting back with her arms folded across her chest, looking ahead of her angrily.
“Oh, Remus, hi.” Lily suddenly starts waving at someone, she grabs James’ arm, shoves all their stuff in their bags and pulls him away from the table. James waves at the group of the table and they watch them go with confused looks on their faces.
“Were you just heading out?” She asks, and when the guy turns around and smiles at her James sees a flicker of recognition on his face, and realizes he and Remus have met before.
Remus stands still and waits for them to catch up on top of the stairs outside the library, Lily pulls at James to make him walk faster and James slips on the wet stones, bumping into someone.
Fireworks rush through his body and take his breath away, small tingles move from the tips of his fingers to his heart, and shoot to his brain, warm and strong, like a shower of falling stars. Lily’s hand slips out of his and both he and the other person linger to prolong the brief contact of their bodies, as if they’re two magnets unable to part.
“Sorry.” James breathes out, but the other person walks away fast now.
“Fuck off.” He snarls back, James sees a flash of two large green eyes and then the boy is gone.
He scratches at his head. What just happened there? Something did. Whoever that was, James has met him before, he knows for sure.
Hasn’t he seen those eyes before?
“Hey, Remus, how’re you doing?” He asks, wondering how Lily got so friendly with him that they’re practically running out the library so they can walk out with him. Is that jealousy he’s feeling? But he’s feeling that for Mary already, he can’t be jealous of Remus. He’s painfully handsome, and so attractive even James is at a loss of words seeing him now in the daylight, rather than a gloomy bar, but Lily did make it very clear that she isn’t into guys any longer. Not after being with James, at least.
“Ah, James, isn’t it?” Remus asks, extending his hand and waiting for James to shake it.
James nods enthusiastically, remembering the feeling of comfort he felt around Remus, and how he thought they might be good friends, as he reaches out and takes his hand. It’s icy cold, and the scar tissue on his hand is thick and rough, but James is glad to properly meet him, finally.
The cold winds go right through his coat, and they struggle against it as they walk through the street.
“Remus is a friend of Mary’s.” Lily explains, her face lighting up.
“Oh, right, Mary.” James huffs out, feeling cold to his very bones.
“Haven’t you met her, yet?” Remus asks, trying to put on a brown knitted scarf without losing it to the wind. His hair has grown since the last time James saw him, and like everyone here at uni he’s glowing. He’s thriving. He’s, as all the adults say, having the time of his life, in the prime of his life, making memories that will last forever. And here’s James. Sleep-deprived, depressed, never recovered from that flu that got to everyone in the first week of classes, and constantly fighting the urge not to drop out and beg his parents to come pick him up.
“No.” Lily giggles, are her cheeks red from the cold or the mention of Mary? “We’re just… getting to know each other, you know?” Oh, so they’re not even officially together yet? James still has a shot?
“If I have to believe Mary’s side of the story it’s a little more serious than that.” James cringes at that and thinks he’ll blame the teary eyes on the harsh winds. Remus’ mouth curls and Lily chuckles. “Serious.” They snort, together. James feels like dying, like sprinting in the opposite direction and going through with his plan of disappearing. They’ve already got inside jokes. Of course they do, and of course James is on the outside of that stupid inside joke. He hates them. Both of them. He can do a much better job at hating Lily, truly, he’s been pretty lame so far, it’s time for a change.
“You’re in marine sciences, too?” Remus asks him, he’s got his scarf on and James is thankful Lily’s gay, because James must look like a total fool walking next to him.
“Yeah, but Lily and I have known each other for years.” He hopes Remus won’t ask from where, or how, or any of it. Does he know, about James? Would Lily tell? Apparently she’s the best of friends with Mary’s friends, so maybe she’s complained about him to them? About the annoying boy she feels responsible for?
Lily’s grinning and James tries to mouth at her to stop talking at once, “We met in high school, he fell in love with me at first sight-“
“I don’t think Remus wants to hear the entire story.” James cuts in quickly, saving himself the embarrassment of having Remus find out about his pathetic efforts to get with Lily, only for him to mess it all up once he succeeded.
Remus gazes at him a moment, James can tell he’s curious, “Just tell me another time, yeah?” He says, and now James is certain Remus is the nicest guy ever, and he needs to befriend him. He’ll just have to put up with being around Lily and Mary, because if that entire friend group is like Remus, he’d murder someone to be a part of it. “Do you like it?” Remus asks after a while.
“Hmm?” James asks, what does he mean? Walking here with Lily? Obviously not. He’s slowly inching away from her and has slipped into the mood where everything she does pisses him off. Her voice, how she wipes her nose, the wheezing sounds that precede her laughter, even the way her heels click on the ground feel like tiny earthquakes and his mind is consumed with thoughts of stealing them off her feet and cutting the heels off the soles.
“Studying marine sciences?” Remus clarifies, Lily looks at him expectantly, she hasn’t asked outright but there’s no way she hasn’t noticed his lack of enthusiasm.
He breathes in the cold air, it stings the inside of his nose, what will he say? “Oh, sure, it’s not exactly what I expected, but it’s okay.”
Remus frowns at him, “Okay?” He asks.
He’s not in the mood to talk about this, and changes the subject. “So, what do you do?”
“I’m a try-hard, like Lily.” Remus and Lily exchange a smile, James mood darkens even more. “Combined history with classics.”
James whistles, he’d kill himself if he had to spend that much time and energy on school, and can’t understand why others would want to. “So you’re really, really smart?”
“Nah, I’m just interested in it, it really goes easily like that.”
James nods, he wouldn’t know that. He’s not interested in anything he learns.
“So, are you joining us for dinner tonight?” Remus looks from Lily to James.
“Yes, sounds fun!” Lily says at once. James is all up in his head. He wants to, he really does. But what if he goes, and he likes them, and they like him? What if they become good friends and invite him more often? What if they notice something about him is different? And slowly, they’ll stop inviting him to everything. Until one day, he’ll hear them talking about plans and realizes he isn’t a part of those plans. Until one day, the differences between them, the inability on both sides to understand each other becomes too much, and it breaks up their friendship?
James hasn’t spoken to his high school friends since graduation. Lily’s the only person who’s always been there for him, who never left, no matter how ugly things got and how mean he was. Will they be like her? Or will they be like everyone else, and slowly let the friendship die?
“C’mon, James, we’re making pizza.” Remus says, when James doesn’t reply. He looks to his side, Remus’ nose is bright red from the cold, he’s smiling and his eyes look so genuinely kind, James doesn’t think he’s ever seen that. And he’s good at estimating what people are like. He can’t say no to this guy, he simply can’t.
“Making?” Lily’s capable of burning water, she’ll end up singing and dancing through the kitchen and forgets what she’s doing, if she’s making the pizza they’re all doomed.
Remus sighs, shaking his head, “We’re ordering pizza.” He really does want to go. What if they’ll break his heart?
“Do you see that guy?” The barefoot guy walks just in front of them, still barefoot, even outside. It’s a perfect coincidence, like a gift from the universe. It’s what James needs to be sure of this. Of taking this risk .“What do you think of that?” He asks Remus.
Remus looks ahead, squinting his eyes, “I think if his parents find out they’ll get mad, that can’t be healthy, with the cold, and what if you step in something sharp?”
“But you don’t think he’s a weirdo, or a-“
“No, not really. Just let anyone do their thing, right? live and let live.” He shivers and pulls his coat tighter, giving James another of those genuine smiles.
“Sure, I’ll come and check out your home-ordered pizza.”
He’s standing in front of a massive house. James comes from money, old money, and he can tell whoever owns this house does too. It’s an old Victorian era house. Expensive-looking red brick, three stories high, stained glass windows, balconies and a large chimney. The pointed roofs are highly decorated and the garden is overgrown with wildflowers. It slightly looks like a haunted house, but the bikes standing in front of the house and the warm lights coming from inside tell a different story.
“Wow.” He says, as they walk up the path to the front door. There’s large trees in the backyard, colored orange now, and the leaves fall down all around them, scrunching under their feet.
“I know.” Remus replies, opening the door for them and stepping aside. Lily goes first, stomping her shoes and shaking off the cold. James looks inside from the doormat, he can see a winding staircase, a wall filled with portraits and old paintings, withered rugs and vintage lamps.
Remus grins at the look on James’ face as he steps inside, and he can tell at once this was the right decision. This is the beginning of something new. There’s chatter coming from the kitchen, music plays upstairs, feet patter over the floors. The house feels good and warm, and he hangs his coat next to a bunch of others, some of which smell of smoke.
He follows Lily into the kitchen, walking on his socks on the soft rugs. He’s taking it all in. The chandelier over his head, the portraits of a bunch of angry-looking people, all with black hair and stern eyes, the books scattered on whatever surface is available. This is a house thoroughly lived in, he likes that.
“Lils!” When they enter the kitchen one of the girls squeals and jumps up from where she was sitting on the kitchen counter. She slides across the tiles and crashes into Lily, hugging her the way girls always do when they go five minutes without seeing each other. Lily used to hug him like that.
“Mary!” She exclaims, beaming as the girl kisses her. James looks away from them, part of him wants to tell himself none of this is real anyway, so it’s fine Lily’s being kissed by someone else, but another part of him notices the other people in the kitchen, and he wants to be present when he meets them.
“Hi.” He says, smiling around the room. Remus throws his bag into a corner and puts on some tea. He doesn’t know what to do and awkwardly stands at the entrance of the kitchen for a moment until a short girl comes sprinting in his direction. He’s not sure what’s happening, and she’s moving too fast for him to figure out who she is, but he’s met so many people these past few weeks, it must be one of them. He just prays she isn’t one of the girls he hasn’t called back.
“James!” She points at him and then looks at Lily, as if she needs a confirmation he’s James. Oh god, he thinks, Lily has told them all about him.
“Don’t you remember me?” She sounds disappointed, and to be honest, the sound of her voice is faintly familiar to him. He looks down at her, she’s in her pajamas, everyone in the kitchen is, Remus must not have told them he was bringing home company. Her hair is short and blonde, tucked behind her ears, reaching to her neck. She’s got brown eyes and a mischievous smile, and her features are slightly elfish, but she looks cool, like she listens to rock and plays electrical guitar.
Of course he remembers his old neighbor. “Marlene!” He feels weird looking at her. With everyone he’s met here at university he feels like they’re at least ten years older than him, yet every time he asks for their age it’s the same as his. Marlene, too, looks old, grown-up, like a woman rather than the young girl she was when he last saw her. Does she look at him and see a man?
“I haven’t seen you in ages.” She holds out her hands and James feels a burst of warmth as he hugs her. Coming here might be the best thing he’s ever done in his life.
“No, I know.” He returns. When Marlene knew him he was still normal. The most popular boy in school, the teachers all adored him, everyone wanted to be his friend, all the girls were in love with him. He was still happy, knew he had a bright future, and could live life without worries. He was what other people saw him for. Though he’s still popular, adored, has loads of friends, and all the girls love him, he’s not the same on the inside.
“Are you Lily’s friend?”
He groans, “God, what did she say about me?”
“That you’re her best friend, of course, we’ve all been dying to meet you.” Marlene squeezes his shoulders excitedly, so Lily hasn’t said anything bad about him?
“That’s Mary, but you must’ve figured that out when she kissed Lily.” Marlene says, pointing at her. James feels like sulking, right here right now, because he totally understands why Lily can’t stop talking about her, and there’s no way she’s ever going to look in his direction when her girlfriend looks like a model. She radiates power and elegance, with her long legs and big, curly hair. Her eyes are pitch-black and she’s got her arms around Lily with a big smile on her face.
“You know Remus, and that’s Peter, Pete studies archeology.” Now she points at a boy, he’s got red cheeks and blonde hair, large watery blue eyes and he too has a sweet smile.
“It’s really nice to meet all of you.” James says, honestly. “So, you’re all roommates?”
“Yup.” Marlene’s hanging from his arm, smiling up at him like she can’t quite believe they met again so many years later.
“Who owns this place?” James asks with a laugh, even the kitchen is more expensive than any kitchen ever needs to be. The cutlery is gold and the countertops are made of marble.
“Oh, that’s Sirius, he couldn’t come today, sorry.” Remus chips in, handing him a steaming cup of tea. “He’s got a big art project due tomorrow, he’ll probably lock himself up in his atelier all night. Art degree, doesn’t really seem to be as great as it sounds.”
“His atelier? He’s got an atelier on a separate location?” This Sirius is filthy, filthy rich.
“Yeah, ‘course.” Remus says, shuffling out of the kitchen, just before he leaves the room he turns around. “Best if we don’t tell him James was here tonight.” He says, and everyone nods.
James looks down at Marlene, confused. Why can’t they tell Sirius he’s here? Does he not like James? Have they met in the pub, and did he say something wrong? Has he looked at him wrong, maybe, on the street? Or does he just not want strangers in his house?
“He’s convinced from the things Lily’s told about you that you’re platonic soulmates.” Marlene says. “It’ll kill him if he knows he wasn’t here when you were. But you’ll come back soon, right? To meet him?” James feels a little dazed. A boy thinks they’re platonic soulmates? Lily knows James through and through, whatever stories she’s told they must have painted a good picture of him, and this guy still thinks that not only they’d be good friends, but platonic soulmates?
“Right, James?” Marlene asks again, do they want to see him again soon? Do they really want to be friends with him? It’s not a new thing, everyone wants to be friends with him. But it’s for status, because being friends with him makes you someone, because they think he’s attractive or mildly funny, never because they think he’s interesting, because they want to spend time with again soon and get to know him.
“Yes, yes of course.” He breathes out, taking a sip of the steaming hot tea to distract himself from all the things rushing through his head right now.
The bell rings and Peter shoots through the kitchen, “I’ll get it!” He screams, slipping and sliding on his socks and disappearing around the corner.
“C’mon.” Marlene says, and she takes him to the living room. Remus is sitting on a chair, reading a book, Peter comes in balancing a tower of pizza’s and sets it down on the table. The fire’s burning in the fireplace and the walls are lined with bookshelves. The room feels like home. Marlene turns on the TV and plops down on the couch with her pizza and from the corner of his eye he can see Mary coming his way.
“James, what size clothing do you wear?” She asks, grabbing his arms and squeezing his biceps as she looks at his face with great care.
“Err, I’m not sure?” She’s feeling up his shoulders now.
“You’re exceptionally attractive. I must attract attractive people somehow, I mean, look around. And you haven’t even met Sirius yet, god, you’ll be blown off your feet.” She mumbles, gesturing with her finger that she wants him to spin, so he does. She takes off his glasses and carefully puts them back on again, running her hand through his curls.
“Have you ever thought of modeling, James?”
“Not really, no, never thought of it much.”
“Your pizza’s getting cold!” Peter yells at them from the couch. “Leave that boy alone!”
Mary gasps, “Oh, sorry! If I’ve made you uncomfortable, I didn’t mean-“
“No, no you didn’t. You study fashion design, right?” If he’s correct Lily mentioned it once.
She lights up, delighted he remembered that, “Yes! Yes, I do!”
“I’d love to see your work, sometime.” He says as he moves to the couch and takes a pizza while settling in. She claps in her hands, “Of course!” Her smile makes it very difficult for James to hate her, but when she sits next to Lily, basically in her lap, he remembers all his hateful and aggressive thoughts.
“James, can I have a bite of yours?” Marlene jumps over the cushions, nearly tripping several times and knocking her knee against Peter’s head, he chokes on his bite and Remus jumps up from his seat to slap him on the back. They all continue on as if this happens daily and Marlene lets herself fall down next to James so hard she nearly launches him into the ceiling.
“Sure.” He holds out his slice and she takes a bite, chewing contently. “Here.” She stuffs a slice of hers in his face and he takes a bite of it, she watches his face as he eats it with a smile.
“Are you with someone?”
“Like, a relationship?”
“Hmm.” She licks her fingers and Mary points at her shirt, on which she now has a large grease stain. She groans, throwing her head back and tries to rub at it, but Mary stops her and runs off to the kitchen, returning with a wet towel which she hands to Marlene.
“No.” Did he say that nonchalant enough? “What about you?”
She nods, “Yeah, her name’s Dorcas, we’ve been together for a looong time.”
“That’s lovely.” He puts his arm around her and gives her a little shake, he’s totally not envious, at all.
“I’m gonna call her!” Marlene takes her phone out of her pocket and they only listen to the ringing once before the girl on the other side of the line picks up. “Hey, Marls, how’d your lesson go?” Marlene puts the phone away from her mouth and whispers at James, “Started driving lessons the other day.” Then she speaks into the phone, “Great, can you come over? We’re having pizza.”
The call ends and five minutes later James opens the door to a girl in a dark green rain coat, shivering on her feet, looking grumpy. Before she steps inside she gathers her long braids in her hands and twists them, James watches silently as the water clatters on the stone.
“You must be James!” She shakes off the last of the water, and her bad mood, and steps inside with a smile. Every single one of these people is excited to meet him, like, actually excited, wondering about his life, asking him questions no one’s ever asked before.
“So, Lily says you used to be together.” Mary looks at him curiously, they’re all sitting around the living room, curled up on the couch and buried under heaps of blankets. Old music, rock from the last decade, is softly playing on the record player in the corner of the room. Lily went around lighting candles and Remus put bowls of snacks on the table.
James feels a little tired, but not in the usual ‘staring at the wall for hours because he doesn’t even have the energy to put on tv’ way, but more in the normal sense. He’s had a great night, they’re maybe all feeling a little sleepy, the lights are dimmed and the conversations seem to stretch on forever, and he doesn’t even mind. He never runs out of things to say, there’s no awkward silences he fills up with rambling on about something stupid, when he talks the others listen carefully. It’s fun, he’s having fun.
They click. For the first time in his life, he’s met a group of people he fits in to.
“We used to, yes.” He replies softly, avoiding the sight of Lily leaning against Mary with a happy grin on her face. She must love how uncomplicated Mary is.
He feels something at his shoulder and when he turns to look he sees it’s Remus tapping him, looking at him in a way that tells him he’s willing to change the subject if James doesn’t want to talk about this. What a lucky group of people they are, to have met each other, live together, is he a part of it yet? He wants to, he really, really wants to be a part of this group of friends.
“And?”
“It just…” He doesn’t know what to say and looks at Lily. Will he be honest? Tell them they were madly in love, soulmates, destined for each other? Should he explain all about how James fell down the rabbit hole of mental illness and couldn’t manage to climb back out? How things kept getting worse and Lily no longer wanted to be near him the moment he got comfortable enough around her he stopped pretending to be someone he wasn’t.
Or should he just go for the easy way out and tell them that being with James was such a horrible experience for her, that it made her gay?
“We didn’t end up being the one, for each other, that’s all.” Lily says, he tries to catch her eye, communicate to her that she is the one for him. He knew it the first time he ever saw her and will regret losing her till the day he dies.
“We were so young.” Everyone nods, shit like that happens, right? But it didn’t matter back then, that they were young. They talked of children, their future home, their wedding, the retirement home they wanted to go to, one day, in a very long time. For years it worked, for years everyone around them was certain they’d be endgame.
No one understood when they broke up.
Remus clears his throat loudly, “Peter had a crush on-“
“Remus!” Peter shouts out with large eyes.
A chorus of, “Who?”, “Who was it?” Breaks out and everyone’s forgotten about James and Lily already, too busy figuring out who it was Peter had a crush on.
“And then he-“
“Remus, I’ll let Scabbers loose in your room tonight!” Peter shrieks, punching at Remus’ shoulders.
“But she-“
Peter looks as if he’s about to lose his mind, and covers Remus’ mouth with his hands, stubbornly ignoring everyone’s questions.
“Who’s Scabbers?” James asks.
“My pet rat, I’ll go get him!” Peter replies, jumping up from the couch and stomping up the stairs.
“Oh, fuck!” They hear from the hallway.
Mary looks to be on high alert at once, head snapping in the direction of Peter’s voice.
“Peter!” She yells, scrambling up to the couch, “Peter, please don’t tell me you accidentally let go of him again!”
“Err- well… just give me a moment! I won’t let him shit in your shoes this time!”
Something small and black shoots across the floor, Dorcas starts shrieking and gets on the table, balancing in between the plates and glasses, Mary sprints out the room with Lily, hand in hand, Marlene is snorting and laughing, and Remus just stares at James with a grin. “Did I not warn you my friends are complete and utter idiots, James?”
“Can’t say I heard you mention that- do rats have rabies?” James asks, slowly moving further and further into the couch.
It’s almost early morning when Marlene starts nodding off and Peter is snoring on the floor, leaving prints on the fluffy carpet as if he’s making snow angels. They’re whispering now, and still they haven’t run out of things to talk about. Eventually, Dorcas gets up and starts taking the empty glasses to the kitchen, so James walks on after her with the bowls and Mary blows out the candles.
Lily hands him his coat while putting on hers and they hug everyone goodbye, James promises he’ll come by again soon and they stand in the doorframe and wave until Lily and James are out of sight.
“They’re very nice.” James says, grimacing, he was accepted so easily, and never felt like he had to pretend to be someone he’s not with them. Now he just hopes they weren’t being nice out of politeness, but that they actually enjoyed having him there, and will invite him more often.
He pokes his elbow into Lily’s side, “But you did not have to give Remus a standing ovulation just for being able to balance a spoon on his nose!”
She gasps, poking back, “A standing ovulation?”
“Oh, don’t you try to deny it.”
“James!” She exclaims, a smile growing on her face. He can’t remember the last time he made her laugh like that.
“I could hear your eggs screaming-“
“As if you didn’t feel a little rush of blood down to your-“
He holds up his hands, silencing her with a chuckle, “Okay, okay, fine, we both think Remus is exceptionally attractive, let’s just leave it at that.”
When they reach Lily’s dorm James stoops down and kisses her cheek, and thank god she lets him and it doesn’t create an awkward situation.
“Good night.”
“Have sweet dreams… about Remus.” She’s grinning again. Oh, she will never let this go now. He flips her off and presses his palms to his ears, drowning out her voice, and turns his back to her, crossing the street to his own dorm. “Don’t forget to change your sheets in the morning!” She yells after him.
Even from outside the house he can hear the loud music and see the colored lights flickering behind the window. Sam has once again invited a bunch of people over without asking whether that was fine with him. He’s too tired to deal with him now and silently walks past the living room so no one notices.
As soon as he pushes the door to their room open the smell of rotting food hits him. He sighs loudly and puts his hand at the side of his face to shield himself from the awful sight of Sam’s mess. Empty food wrappers crunch underneath his feet and he kicks heaps of smelly clothing to the side in his effort to get to the window and open it as far as he can.
He looks around for his sleep shirt but can’t find it anywhere and is forced to have a look at Sam’s side of the room. When he discovers the hidden pile of garbage under Sam’s bed he nearly explodes with anger and throws it into the hall for him to clean. After recovering several lost books and other stuff he owns, he gives up on finding his shirt and goes to the party in the living room to ask.
“Hey, Sam!” He shouts over the music, waving to try and catch his attention.
“James! Want a beer?” He longingly looks at the bottle but knows he shouldn’t and shakes his head, “No, did you see my shirt?” He has it, James is sure.
“Yeah, used it to kill a spider, you don’t mind, do you?” Sam yells back, pushing some people aside to try and reach James. This is a great lesson, James thinks to himself, in learning not to murder people whenever he wants to. He’d rather not go to prison.
“Didn’t we agree you wouldn’t invite people over anymore? And that you’d throw out your trash? And keep your hands off my stuff? And clean your side of the room? And, well, all the other things?” James says harshly.
“Okay, you’re annoying me, James. I’m going to walk out of this conversation now. Goodnight.” James is left standing there with his mouth hanging open, his fists balled, and an uncontrollable urge to punch the shit out of that guy. How is he the villain in this situation? He takes deep breaths, and keeps on taking breaths until the urges to turn into a serial killer fade and he’s able to walk back into his room.
He slams the door behind him, hoping to smash the windows or something, and stomps around Sam’s side of the room. His heart rushes in his chest and tears prick in his eyes. Maybe his laptop is somewhere on the floor, that’d be great. How is it fair, for this perfect evening to be ruined like this? He holds the scissors and can’t stop himself from making tiny cuts in whatever clothing is lingering on the floor, smelling of sweat and beer. The anger inside him makes it hard to swallow and he can’t even hear the music or screaming anymore, completely focused on destroying things in the blind haze of his fury. He may or may not have thrown Sam’s pillow out the window and finally locks himself in the bathroom, snapping his toothbrush in half and flushing it down the toilet.
“Fuck.” He groans, sitting down on the floor of the shower and letting the cold water rush down on him. He’s insane. He’s lost it. Now that the anger is gone he realizes what a psychopath he must be.
His cold clothes stick to his body and he leaves a trail of water as he walks out the bathroom and grabs his phone.
“I can’t do this anymore, I’ve tried, please pick me up now.” He begs the phone, shivering, dripping wet standing in front of the opened window.
“James, it’s the middle of the night.” His mom sounds worried and he can hear his dad in the background.
“I want to go.” A sob escapes his throat and he presses the palm of his hand to his mouth to keep more from coming.
“Is it the roommate again?” His dad asks. Why can’t they just be here? Why can’t he talk to them face to face? Why does he have to call them, and only hear their voices, when he needs more than that?
“It’s everything.”
He starts talking, puts the phone down on his bed and walks around the room, he locks the door, changes into dry clothes and turns off the lights. His parents talk back and he listens and listens. The party goes on outside his door but his parents are right, he’ll be able to sleep with the earplugs. They always manage to talk some sense into him when he’s lost the ability to think clearly.
“Maybe it’d be fun to get a job.” His mom says when he’s calmed down and is in bed, clutching his pillow.
“I barely have time to eat or sleep!” He objects.
“Just think it over tonight, okay, baby? We love you, goodnight.” His parents sound sleepy and he feels bad for keeping them up, so he hangs up and puts in the earplugs.
They’re probably right, his parents. He’s dramatic. One things goes wrong and his week is ruined. He had a nice day, and shouldn’t let this overshadow that.
“Did you fucking lock the door?” Sam’s slamming his fists on the door like some crazy gorilla and James stares at the panel of wood shaking in its hinges, wondering if he’ll knock it down.
He puts his pillow over his head to drown out the pounding sounds and tells himself he can always just jump out the window and put himself out of his misery.