Chapter 15
November 1st in the 1980s was always, and always would be (since 1981) terrible. October 31st was obviously, also just as bad but somehow the 1st of November had always felt so much worse. Maybe it was due to the reminder of the dread and depression that followed the 31st? Remus and Sirius couldn't understand why it hit so much harder than the day their best friends died. But this year? This year they had to force themselves to put on a mask that all was okay, as they had a new guest to accommodate.
So: Lily and James hadn't died 6 years ago. Lily and James hadn't existed. At least not today, anyway.
---
"Happy Halloween!" Harry bounded into the kitchen with a grin on his face, it was early in the morning of Saturday 31st October, 1987. Remus and Sirius had been up since 4 in the morning, comforting each other (smoking too, now that Sirius had picked the habit back up, Remus had too).
"G'mornin' kid! Happy Halloween." Sirius replied, rubbing his face to try and seem less on-the-verge-of-falling-asleep.
"Uhm... Padfoot?" Harry said shyly, scuffing his shoes against the kitchen tiles.
"Harry don't do that, cariad," Remus gestured to the boy's shoes, "You've already managed to wear the soles flat. You'll have holes in them if you don't be careful."
"Oh, come off it Moony." Sirius rolled his eyes, before smiling "What is it Harry?"
"D'you think... D'you think we could go trick or treating later?" he whispered, clearly scared of what the answer might be as he refused to meet either of his guardians' eyes.
The man's eyes widened in delight, "Course! We can go buy costumes later,"
"Shame I can't come... Sorry again, I have to work late. Gotta mark these tests. And if I don't get them done today, I doubt I ever will..." the brunette sighed.
"S'okay Moony! We'll get you lots and lots of sweets! I know how much you like chocolate," Harry beamed.
"Thanks Bambi," Remus ruffled the younger's hair, "Bye!" he disapparated immediately after bidding adieu.
"Right then," Sirius started, "I'm gonna go change, you just watch the telly, then we can go down to the shops, yeah?"
"M'kay," the boy offered a smile and set off to turn on the TV.
On the other hand, Sirius made way for his room, closing the door behind before collapsing on his bed. He released a deep sigh whilst bringing his hands up to his face, digging the short and jagged nails on his fingers into his skin. Halloween was never easy for him. As time had gone by, and he'd inevitably grown up, Sirius Black had expected the loss of his dear friends to fade. Well, he'd hoped it would've faded by now at least, at his old age of 27. But sometimes, it felt as if the feeling would never go. Especially when with each passing October 31st and November 1st the feeling just came back, 10 times stronger at that.
He sat up and stared out the bedroom window. The trees were barren, naked and twitching as the up and coming winter breeze settled in the air. The ground was covered in hues of orange, red and yellow that were slightly frosted over from the previous nights sub zero temperatures. The apartment complex across the street had a few balconies worth of seasonal decorations, not many, just a fair few pumpkins already with lit candles in them, or faux spiderwebs dangling from the railings with plastic spiders latched onto them. Sirius found it stupid, it's not like kids were going trick-or-treating up on a 4th floor flat in some random building upon seeing the swiftly put together decor. He never thought much of Halloween in the first place, never mind now. Though he supposed that was just classic British societal culture.
Still, he didn't want to ruin it for Harry, considering he'd probably never celebrated with the Dursleys (he clenched his fists at the thought of those no-good sods) therefore making the only Halloween he'd've celebrated was October 31st 1981. And, well, that hadn't exactly ended so well.
With another anguished sigh, Sirius pushed himself back up to sit on his bed, then stood before walking to his wardrobe. He picked out the first things he saw haphazardly stuffed in his draws (Remus refused to fold his washing for him): baggy black washed jeans, that had been worn one too many times so now harboured a collection of holes and loose threads, a band T-shirt presenting the album cover of "Three Imaginary Boys" by the Cure and then, of course, his black leather jacket. Sirius picked up a bobble and gathered his hair in one hand before tying it loosely up (he really couldn't be arsed to shower right now let alone wash his hair).
He walked over to the window and cracked it open, pulling his cigarettes out his pocket then putting one between his teeth and lighting it, welcoming the smoke filling his lungs. Sirius revelled in the instant relaxation, allowing the memories of a previous Halloween night to flood him.
(flashback)
October 31st 1975 3:23AM
Remus was sitting in the window sill as Sirius quietly watched (without the other's awareness) from behind the door. He leant up against the wall, cigarette in hand as he took a few casual drags now and then. They were throwing a party in the Gryffindor common room. A joint celebration for Halloween and also for Sirius' up and coming 16th birthday. The party had been going on for a while now and Sirius had noticed his... boyfriend (he smiled at the thought of the word) was no where to be seen. Remus' head snapped towards the door as footsteps approached.
"Hey! You alright?" Sirius spoke with his soft disposition that just knew how to melt Remus' heart and break his face into a smile.
"Yeah. Just loud s'all... Got a headache," he said before bringing the cigarette to his mouth again, inhaling and exhaling almost rhythmically.
Sirius sauntered over to the window ledge then perched himself in between Remus' legs, leaning against his chest, allowing his head to lull backwards against the brunette's shoulder. The latter wrapped his arms around his partner, cigarette still held between his fingers. Sirius grasped a hand around Remus' wrist, bringing the hand with the cigarette to his mouth so he could breathe it in. He held the smoke in for a few seconds, allowing it to burn his lungs, reminding him of where he was. Reminding him he was alive and this was real. Remus leant down and kissed his boyfriend on his temple.
"Filthy habit, that." James tutted upon seeing the pair at the window, his hand gesturing towards the cigarette, observing as the smoke blowing out of the window was carried away by the late night breeze.
At the sound of the voice, Remus and Sirius jumped out their skin, simultaneously ripping themselves away from each other, eyes wide as they did so.
James frowned as he averted his eyes to the wooden oak floor beneath, scuffing his trainers against it in the meantime. Eventually he finally looked back towards his friends, expression morphing into a kind smile, "I'm alright with it, y'know? You two, I mean..."
"What-" Sirius started but the other interjected, speaking again before he could even form a full sentence.
"M'just saying... It doesn't bother me, and- and I'm sure Pete won't either," he pushed his askew, circular glasses up his nose.
"How long... How long have you known?" Remus whispered secretively, now making his way back towards Sirius so they could entwine their hands together.
"Er- I dunno... Probably since September? When I knew for sure, anyways... I suspected back in June. But the way you were all over each other after coming back from the summer holidays," he scoffed slightly, "That was when I really knew."
The pair smiled back at their friend, Remus found his lip quivering. All he'd wanted was to be accepted. James was more than he could ever ask for. Sirius' heart swollen from his best friend's loyalty and kindness (qualities of a true Gryffindor).
"C'mere you toss pots," James smiled, opening his arms so he could wrap them around the pair.
They were all fifteen, awkward, shy, (hopelessly in- love, in Remus and Sirius' case) and under the impression that life would never go wrong for them; oblivious to the outside world.
(flashback end)
Upon the recollection, Sirius had found his cigarette had been smoked down to the butt. He put it out on the wall and dropped it to the pavement beneath him, watching it fall quite a few meters before it hit the concrete and bounce closer to the grass and trees below. Unconsciously, he found himself reaching back for his carton to pull out another, just one more before he set off with Harry, only to find there were none left.
"Bloody Remus smoking all my fags.." Sirius muttered to himself.
He crumpled up the cardboard contained in his left hand then reached for his wand, tucked in his waistband, with the other. Sirius chucked the rubbish out the window and quickly cast "Incendio," allowing it to be set on fire mid way through the air, watching ash scurry to the ground like snow would.
With, yet another, sigh Sirius peeled himself away from the window, making sure it was firmly shut and locked, then made way back into the living room, only to find Harry waiting eagerly at the door with his battered shoes on, the multi-coloured wool scarf that he, Sirius, had aided Remus in knitting for the boy a week ago, and a black puffer jacket.
"Well! I see you're all ready to go." he smiled, looking down at the boy as he sat on the shoe rack, waiting intently.
"You took forever!" he huffed, but as children do, he moved off of that subject fairly quickly, "Let's go now! Lesgo lesgo! Please, please!"
"Merlin, keep your socks on! Haven't even got my shoes on yet," Sirius replied, a smile plastered across his face, seeing the boy's childish enthusiasm (something he more than deserved to front). He quickly put on his favourite pair of black Doc marten boots. "Right! Off we go,"
"Yay yay yay!" Harry practically bounced out the door, jumping up and down as the man locked the door, jiggling the handle slightly to check that he'd done it .
The pair took the 15 minute walk from their flat down to the shops, leaves crunching under their feet with each step, early morning commuters driving past in their mustangs and whatnot, breath clearly visible in the chilly outsides. Every now and then, the younger drew a deep breath in then puffed all the air out, giggling at the cloud of breath that lingered a moment before fading. Sirius watched with a content smile on his face, swinging the boy's arm as he gripped onto his hand.
"So, what costume you thinking of getting?" Sirius asked, bringing the scarf he'd put on last minute to cover his nose.
"Er- Dunno... I hope there's a dragon! I like dragons," he retorted, looking up to the other, grinning contentedly.
"Ahh, yes I'm sure you'd be a very scary dragon..."
Harry giggled at that then went back to skipping alongside his Godfather. They turned the corner and finally made it to "Morrisons". Harry immediately unlatched his hand from Sirius' clasp then ran towards the shopping trolleys for children and sprinted back towards the other with it.
"I never got to use these! Only Dudley got to, I was always so jealous..." his face faltered a bit before restoring his prior expression and smiled back up to the other.
They wandered around for a while before finding themselves in the Halloween isle, decorations pinned up everywhere, demonstrating what was for sale. Harry abandoned his trolley at the sight of the all the costumes, he let out an audible gasp as he reached for one specific outfit; "A dragon! Padfoot, look! They do have a dragon! Can I please get this one!"
"O'course," Sirius smiled as he dragged the trolley over to where the boy was excitedly teetering back and forth on his feet, teeming with joy. He ruffled the younger's hair then took the costume from him, observing it for himself.
"Will you dress up, Sirius?"
Sirius' heart skipped a beat then a feeling overcame him that gave the sensation that his heart was lodged in his throat. He coughed awkwardly, attempting to remove whatever imaginary thing was choking him.
"I, Er- probably not, kid sorry." he rubbed the back of his neck, wishing he could go for a smoke right then and there. You see, along with all the other issues that surrounded the following years of that fateful day, one thing that Sirius, and Remus, were dead set on was that they never ever dressed up for Halloween. The last time they had was, of course, October 31st 1981 and Sirius, personally, was still not ready to take the next step into "getting over it" as his grievance counsellor had said.
Sirius didn't want to get over it.
A delicate hand clasping around his shoulder broke him out his trance. He turned around to see who the hand belonged to, only to see a girl whom he didn't recognise. She was rather pretty with waist length, sleek and pin straight black hair and blue-green eyes that were highlighted even by the dim store lighting. Her outfit consisted of a short denim skirt and a white top, a sage green shawl draped loosely over her shoulders.
"Can I helped you?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Sirius! It's me! Emmeline, Emmeline Vance," she grinned, seemingly not offended by the fact he didn't automatically recognise her.
"Oh, my bad Em. You look so different with long hair!" he laughed, welcoming her into a hug.
"No stress," Emmeline said simply, still smiling, "And who's this?"
She crouched down to Harry and offered a warm smile to him, he scurried to hide behind Sirius and gripped tightly onto his denim jeans.
"You'll have to excuse him, he's shy around strangers. Harry, love, it's okay she's an old friend, say hello," he whispered.
"Hi," Harry murmured in a small voice, not meeting the woman's eyes.
Emmeline's eyes widened like saucers as they trailed to the scar on the boy's face. Harry snapped his hand up to the right side of his face, frowning as he attempted to cover the mark up. He'd always hated people staring at it.
"Sirius," she spoke in a low voice now, "Is this-"
"Yes," Sirius cut her off before she could continue, "But, Emmeline, you can't say a word about him. No one other than Dumbledore knows his whereabouts."
"My lips are sealed!"
He gave a skeptical look but nodded in response nevertheless.
"Well... If that's all, we'll be o-"
"Er- maybe if you, er- Y'know, have time," she blurted out, interrupting the other, "D'you maybe wanna go out for dinner, sometime, maybe?" her eyes averted to the floor, shyly, as a bright pink flushed across her cheeks.
"Oh.. Er- I'm already dating someone," Sirius responded awkwardly.
"Ah... That's fine then, no surprises there. Just thought I'd try y'know! Whoever she is, she's a lucky girl!"
"Yeah... Yeah she is," he darted his eyes to the trolley that Harry had gone back to, now walking up and down the aisle with it.
"Nice seeing you!" Emmeline smiled again before walking off, hair gently swaying as it fell down her back.
Harry walked back over to Sirius, pushing the trolley in-front of him. He stared up at the man and said, "I thought you were dating Moony?"
"I am,"
"Then why'd you say 'she'? Moonys not a girl, silly!" Sirius felt guilt wash over him. Lies like that used to come easy to him when he was a teenager. But now it just made him feel sick. He wasn't ashamed of who he was or anything, he didn't know why he lied. Just felt easier at the time, rather than explaining the whole 'I'm dating a bloke' thing.
"C'mon, let's go pay," he said to Harry, trying to change the subject whilst guiding the trolley in the direction of the tills.
After paying, they went to the counter where cigarettes were sold.
"Pack of Malboro reds, please." Sirius asked as he casually leant up against the counter. Harry was a few metres behind him, picking up and observing different magazines, he'd been most interested in the ones that came with a mystery toy car in each magazine bought. He flicked through the pages, looking at the faux vehicles he'd already collected.
As the cashier collected the fags and scanned them through the till, he looked up towards Harry then pulled a face, scrunching his nose.
"What 'appened to 'is face?" he said, staring directly towards the raised lightning bolt scar that stretched across 1/4 of his face.
"Piss off," Sirius scowled, "S'none of your business, you busybody." For a second, he considered he considered socking the cashier in the face. But he reconsidered, as he reminded himself that he wouldn't be a very good Godfather if he ended up in the slammer, would he?
"Wasn't tryna be rude or nothing..." he muttered, Sirius rolled his eyes in return, "He yours?"
"Yeah? Didn't just go and kidnap him, did I?" well, technically he did exactly that, but with good reason.
"Cool,"
Sirius hated small talk like this, he sighed and snatched the cigarettes off the counter, mumbling a quick, and positively insincere, thank you before walking off with Harry.
---
Later that night
By the time Sirius and Harry had returned from trick-or-treating, with a bucket full of all kinds of sweets ranging from Maom chews (muggle sweets that Sirius was rather ecstatic to try) to chocolates of all flavours and brands, Remus was already home. He'd haphazardly thrown his brown leather Oxfords by the shoe rack, coat sloppily hung up on the coat hooks.
"Rem? We're home," Sirius called out, seeing that the other wasn't on the sofa, as he usually was when he got back from work. Sirius' lips turned down a little before he said, "Harry it's late, d'you think you could go to bed now?"
"Awwww..." he retorted, not attempting to hide his disappointment in any way.
"C'mon, I'm tired, myself," Sirius tapped the boy on the back in an affirmative manner, "You go get ready and I'll come in and tuck you in, yeah?" He nodded in response before trudging back to his room.
Regrettably, and without admitting, Sirius had expected that Remus' prior mood from this morning was a put-on and was bound to wear off through the day. Pushing their bedroom door open, he saw he was correct. Witnessing Remus like this was never easy, especially knowing that Sirius had no idea what to do or say; he was utterly hopeless at comforting people. Remus, on the other hand, always knew how to sort him out when he was down. So, he'd decided to take a page out of his book.
The brunette lay facing the wall, duvet cover pulled up to his neck. Several cigarettes butts were vaguely emitting smoke as they laid amongst the abundance of ash on the ash tray, which was on the bed side table next to Sirius' carton of emergency fags (he'd forgotten he had these). The pack was already half empty, and from what he could see, one of his cigs was loosely latched between two of Remus' fingers as one arm draped out the king sized bed. Sirius heard a vague sniffle when he sat down on the mattress, combing his fingers through the tousled brunette curls.
"Remus? You alright?" he immediately cursed himself, because his boyfriend was most certainly not alright.
The other didn't reply, at least not a coherent response; just shuffling around causing the sheets to rustle. Rain began to pitter against the window that was ever so slightly cracked open to allow a breeze to break through the stuffy air. Cars drove past, tires skidding along the wet cement.
"I know it's hard, it is for me too..." he said, continuing to run his fingers through Remus' hair, "D'you... D'you wanna talk about it?"
"Yeah," the other's voice cracked.
Sirius waited for him to initiate whatever he wanted to say, whilst listening to the tranquil background noises that floated into the room from the outside. His eyes averted to the raindrops trickling down the glass, racing each other with haste and the water clinging to the few leaves that had remained on the, otherwise barren, trees, exercising caution to not drip down to the floor below.
"I dunno why it hurts so much more this year," Remus began, muttering miserably, "Maybe cos Harry's here now. M'not sure. But I feel... guilty?" he finally tapped off the ashes that had built up on the cigarette he was clutching onto for dear life, then drew it to his lips, closing his eyes as the taste hit his tongue.
When Sirius didn't reply, Remus spoke again, "Sorry, Sirius. M'being selfish, they were your friends too. I know you thought of James like a brother,"
"You're not being selfish at all, Moony. I'd rather listen to you than know you're bottling it all up."
"Yeah..." there was a slightly awkward pause before he continued, "Sorry, can we talk about something else?" Sirius gave a hesitant nod, "How'd Harry like trick-or-treating?"
"Safe to say we'll be doing it again next year!" Sirius grinned, "All the neighbours loved his costume, he was so embarrassed with all the compliments bless 'im."
Remus' lips turned upwards at the corners, "Plenty of sweets?"
"Plenty of sweets," he replied, recollecting the bucket full to the brim, "Right," he leant over and kissed Remus on the forehead, "I'll go say g'night to Harry, then we can go to sleep."
Sirius heard him respond with a yawn and a tiresome "M'kay" as he walked out their bedroom and across the hall to Harry's.
He knocked twice on the door, gently, then poked his head around to see the boy sitting up, the new bedside lamp they'd bought a few days ago was on and emitting its fluorescent light towards a book the boy was reading. Harry had a blue plastic overlay covering the page, something Remus had given him after the boy had confided in him, admitting that the words on the page seemed to jump and dance around each other.
"Hey, Bambi," Sirius smiled, "S'bed time."
Harry closed his book gently, allowing the overlay to act as a bookmark.
"G'night Padfoot," he yawned, eyes growing heavy, "I had fun..." The boy had already laid down and closed his eyelids by this point, barely returning the hug Sirius offered, as his body instantly succumbed to its fatigue the moment his head hit the pillow.
"Night," Sirius whispered whilst he pushed Harry's fringe back to kiss him on the forehead.
Quietly, he ambled back into his own room, only to see Remus already asleep. Soft snores and murmurs escaped his mouth. The cigarette that had nestled itself in between his middle and index finger had most certainly been smoked to its maximum capacity. Sirius plucked it out the others hand and put it out on the ash tray, listening to the whispered tstttt as the cigarette went out. He finally crawled into bed, lifting the covers slowly as not to disturb Remus, sighing as he closed his eyes. As much as he hated to admit it, he was most certainly getting older and the fact that after a night of just walking around his limbs were already aching like he'd never walked before.
Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus, pulling him into a close hug before falling asleep from the warmth of the other body pressing against his.
***
November 1st
Sirius jolted awake to the sound of a crack from the fire and the distant sound of footsteps, stepping onto the hearth. He rubbed his tired eyes with a groan and darted his eyes towards the alarm clock, the numbers glowing red through the darkness read "2:36am". Chewing on his lip, he reached over to grab his wand before clasping a hand around Remus' shoulder to shake him awake.
"Remus! Remus!"
"Hmm?" he stirred in his sleep.
"Wake up, someone's in the house!"
That made him startle up, eyes wide and aware. Remus automatically grabbed his wand and hopped out the bed. A rather perturbed expression painted across his face as he already made a bee-line for the door. Sirius followed after him, grip on his wand firm and heart dropped into his stomach.
The living room was dark, they could hardly see who the figure in the living room was.
"Lumos," Remus whispered.
The narrow beam of light did little to illuminate the room, Sirius grabbed the other's hand to guide the light towards the mysterious figure.
They'd expected many things; death eaters, burglars, maybe even the odd rogue house elf. But what they hadn't expected was Millicent Bagnold, the Minister for Magic, to be standing on the hearth of their living room fireplace at 2 in the bloody morning.