Chapter 13
The rest of the week went... well enough. As good as it could possibly be with a traumatised seven year old, with PTSD, living under their roof.
One night Harry had a particularly bad nightmare which had led to him wetting the bed (much to his embarrassment). And whilst Remus and Sirius had tried their hardest to assure him it wasn't the end of the world, what happened had simply happened and the sheets would be easily washed, to Harry Potter; it was, indeed, the end of the world. The event had led to another outburst and this time he'd landed a lot more scratches and punches and kicks on the pair.
"Harry!" Sirius had snapped, he hadn't meant to but God could this kid punch. He landed a fair few blows on him and Sirius had always had a low tolerance for pain. He only realised what he'd done when he noticed the tears streaming down Harry's face as he shook violently.
Right now, Harry couldn't decipher where he was and who he was fighting. He was under the impression that he'd struck out at Uncle Vernon and in response to this, he was absolutely terrifying. And Sirius had just made it worse. He instantly filled with dread as he slowly backed away from Harry, trying to assure him he was safe and wouldn't hurt him,
"Harry, sweet, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I shouldn't've snapped like that." Sirius held his hands up where Harry could see them.
His cries filled the room, shoulders shaking.
"M'sorry.. Please don't... I didn't mean to. I'm sorry!" he sobbed, backing away into the corner, bringing his knees up to his chest. Remus and Sirius took note of how he always did this when having a panic attack or flashback. It was probably a way to make sure no one could sneak up from behind and hurt him. The pair didn't allow their minds to wander to what Vernon Dursley could've done to trigger this reaction.
"Harry-" Remus interjected, "C'mon, get up we promise it's okay, we don't blame you."
Harry's warped surroundings gradually became clearer upon hearing Remus' soft voice. He peeked up through his fringe before bringing up his burn scarred hand and wiping the hair out his eyes, the red and raised lightning bolt scar on view, stretching across the right side of his face. Harry sniffled and wiped his nose then his (already red) eyes.
"I wanna go back to sleep," he said, voice so small and quiet the pair barely picked up what he had said.
"That's okay, cariad. C'mere." Remus spoke, opening his arms for Harry, so he could pick him up. Sirius, watched as the boy moved with hesitance towards the brunette. He frowned, heart heavy in his chest and filling with guilt, remembering how he'd snapped previously.
Remus carried him to their bed, "You can sleep here whilst we wash your covers." he laid Harry down and tucked him in before stroking his hair back and kissing his forehead.
"Tell Padfoot m'sorry.. I don't wanna be like Uncle. I don't want to hurt people.." he whispered tiredly, and then fell asleep instantly. Remus felt his heart strings tugged at that.
Walking out the room, with a frown written across his face, Remus hooked his arms around Sirius' neck and leaned forward to lay his head on the slightly shorter man's shoulder. He let out a tiresome sigh.
"Sirius, I really don't know what to do."
"Me neither Rem.. Me neither." Sirius laid his head on top of the other's brunette tresses, cheek leaning against him.
"I know we briefly discussed taking him to a doctor, psychiatrist perhaps, and I think we're really going to have to take him... See if they can prescribe him something for the panic attacks." he paused before muttering, "Though, I assume there's a limiting amount of things they could give to a 7 year old.."
"Well.. There's always another option."
"Hm?" Remus lifted his head to look Sirius in the eyes.
"We could send an owl to Snape, ask him to brew up a supply dreamless sleep potions."
"What?" his eyes narrowed, "Are you mad? As if he'd do that for us."
"Well I would hope he'd do it for Harry; rather than a favour for us."
"Yeah well.. After everything I highly doubt it. Maybe he'd consider doing it for-" Remus felt his throat grow constricted, "For Lily.."
"That's what I was thinking. Hopefully he won't be too petty." Sirius said as he walked into their study room, grabbing some parchment and his quill and ink well.
Dear Severus Snape,
Sorry to bother you like this, you know I wouldn't ask if it weren't dire. But as you may, or may not, know Lily's son- Harry- has recently become under the care of me and Remus. After living with his muggle relatives, he's having a rather difficult time adjusting to his new life, particularly struggling to sleep. Remus and I were just wondering whether you could brew us a few vials of dreamless sleep potions. I understand any hesitance to complete this request. But please, don't do this for me, or Remus, or James, do it for Lily, for Harry. You know what grief it would cause her to see her son struggling so much at such a young age. He's only 7, he deserves to sleep without nightmares.
It's to my understanding that you've taken up the position of potions master at Hogwarts, so you must have plenty of resources. I would do it myself, but we're limited on some things needed for the potions.
I would really appreciate it you could take up my request. Thank you,
Sirius paused briefly, pondering over how to sign the letter off. Because, really, how does one sign off a letter to someone who you'd teased throughout your teenage years. (And, to be fair, he didn't even completely regret it).
He settled for,
Sincerely, Sirius Black.
Rolling up the piece of parchment and tying on the tawny owl's leg, watching it fly off out the window caused something in Sirius' stomach to ache. Perhaps the nauseating feeling that Snape would decline his request, just to spite him. Or maybe it was simply the action of writing and sending off a letter who you "bullied" throughout school. Sirius never really considered it bullying, Remus, on the other hand, disagreed completely. It had landed them in a fair share of arguments back in their time at Hogwarts.
The anxiety didn't seem to dissipate as he slumped himself back down on the sofa next to his boyfriend,
"Now we wait." Sirius said, in an ominous tone that made Remus scoff slightly.
***
It took Snape a few days to reply to the owl enquiring about the potions, but thankfully (and much to Remus and Sirius' relief), he had agreed. Snape had wrote back saying it'd take him just under a week to make the brew and then he'll come round to visit and give them the potion vials. The couple were truly grateful for Snape, getting over their past grievances and helping Harry, who'd been having his fair share of restless nights.
He'd began to ease up around Remus a bit, but to Sirius' dismay he was still slightly reserved around him and Sirius couldn't help but feel guilt creep up inside him and shame scurry down his neck. It wasn't like Harry had been acting different around him, per say. Just that compared to how he'd been with Remus as of late was much more outgoing. Then again, Sirius supposed it was apart of Remus' job description to make children feel safe around him and allow them to feel they could bring any worries to him. But still, Sirius couldn't help but feel jealous. Afterall, Harry was his Godson.
A sudden crack pulled Sirius out of his thoughts, and there stood Severus Snape who had materialised out of thin and was now standing, shoulders tense and head held high, in the middle of their living room. Harry's head shot up at the noise and raised his eyebrows at the man. He strolled towards the man with straight shoulder length black hair (so similar yet so different to Sirius' curls).
Harry tugged on the man's floor length cloak and looked up, "Who're you?" he said with wide eyes.
Remus popped his head round from the kitchen door and smiled.
"Severus! We weren't expecting you for another few days?" said Remus who was still happy, nevertheless.
Snape's eyes flickered towards the tall brunette who was now sauntering towards him.
"Yes, well, I found some dreamless sleep potions in my personal stores... Not much, I'm afraid, but this will help subside the nightmares until I've finished brewing." he said monotonously before looking back down at the seven year old, who was still holding a fistful of his cloak. Snape held a hand out to shake Harry's hand, "Severus Snape, pleased to meet your acquaintance."
Sirius scoffed from behind Snape before clapping him on the shoulder, "He's seven, Snivellus. You don't need to shake his hand."
"Sirius." Remus shot, "We spoke about this!"
"Right.. Er- Snape."
Though, Snape seemed completely uninterested in what either of them had to say, he reached into the pocket of his robes and pulled out three glass vials worth of purple concoctions. He set them down on the mahogany coffee table.
"I'm Harry!" he finally spoke again, he smiled up at the man, whose facial expression had not shifted since he'd arrived. "Are you not hot? You're wearing so many layers!"
"It's October..." Snape responded.
Harry shrugged and walked back to the corner where he'd been playing with his toy cars.
"Do stay for tea, won't you Severus?" Remus smiled.
"That's alright Lupin, I have to get back to Hogwarts, the headmaster will be expecting me. Besides, I feel like someone wouldn't appreciate my presence." he shot a look over at Sirius, whose eyes instantly darted his eyes away.
Remus frowned, "Okay then, next time maybe? Goodb-"
But before he could finish his sentence Snape had disapparated.
"Alright then, what's wrong with you?" the brunette turned back to Sirius and gave him a quizzical look, one eyebrow raised.
"What d'you mean? Nothings wrong." he replied, slightly harsher than intended.
"Well that's just not true is it?" Remus scoffed, offering the other an eye roll. "You've been off on one all week, so go on, why're you having a strop?"
"I'm not!" he said through gritted teeth.
Sirius finally met Remus' eyes and upon seeing the frown on his boyfriend's face, his own eyebrows knit together to match the expression.
"Fine," he sighed, "Sorry, you're right. I don't mean to be a mardy git.."
The brunette brought a hand up to Sirius' hair, tucking a stray curl behind his ear and then stroking a thumb across his snow pale skin.
"Harry, cariad, do you think you could go to your room for a minute, I need a word with Padfoot."
The younger looked up, frowning slightly but nodded nevertheless and picked up an arm full of toys, bringing them to his room. The door was left slightly creaked open but the pair paid no mind to it.
"Sorry.."
Remus kissed the other passionately, taking a hand to trace down his back. "You don't have to apologise, Pads. Just," he sighed, "Just tell me what's up, yeah?"
"I dunno. I'm just a little... well, jealous." Sirius averted eyes away, "I know that's not fair of me, at all. But I can't help it... He's so different around you than he is with me. And I just think... He's my Godson." he let out a sigh, hooking a finger through the belt loop of Remus' jeans to pull him closer. "I didn't mean to snap at him."
In order to soothe the other, Remus gently guided Sirius' head to his shoulder, then running his fingers through the black tresses.
"I know, Sirius, I know. You need to be mindful of what he's been through, though. I understand he was hitting you, but he was out of it." he kissed the top of his head. "He loves you just as much as he does me. I know so. You don't have to worry about it."
"What did I do to deserve you?"
"Pshhh.. Dunno really." Remus smirked.
"Tosser." the ravenette laughed.
"Knob."
"Melt."
Sirius lifted his head up off the other's shoulder, then bringing him into a desperate kiss. Their tongues danced around each other as they moaned softly into the kiss. Remus clasped a hand around the jet black curls, tugging slightly before breaking loose. Their chests rose and fell heavily, lips red and cheeks flushed. The brunette took his spare hand and placed it under Sirius' shirt, trailing a finger down his spine, earning a shiver from the ravenette.
"Y'know... if you do things like that, it just makes it more difficult for me to stop."
"Who said anything about stopping?"
"Oh?" Sirius looped a finger, again, through Remus' belt loop, this time dragging him to their bedroom, shutting the door behind them, then casting a locking charm and silencing spell.
He pushed the taller down onto the mattress and then straddled his waist, leaning down to resume their kiss. Remus pulled Sirius' shirt off and then removed his own.
***
Sirius woke up the next morning with his head lying on Remus' chest, his scarred hands stroking over the tattoos on his bare chest.
"G'mornin," he whispered.
"Morning," the brunette kissed his boyfriend's temples before abruptly standing up and making his way towards the wardrobe.
"Huh?! No! Come back. I was comfortable." Sirius frowned, flopping backwards on the bed.
"Sorry, Padfoot! Gotta go, I have work. They allowed me to have the last week off after I explained our situation. But I have to, unfortunately, go back now."
"Quit," Sirius said, voice muffled as he shoved his face into a pillow.
"No. I like my job, I just wish I had more time," he let out a sigh, "Whatever... It's fine, half term's in a couple weeks and then we can spend all our time together." Remus darted his eyes towards the mirror, looking at Sirius on the bed, "Y'know.. It wouldn't kill for you to get a job too."
"Don't need one.. I have millions of galleons worth of inheritance."
"Yeah, I know," he said, rolling his eyes as he put on a pair of brown corduroy trousers, "But you literally spend your days doing nothing, are you not bored?"
"Nope." Sirius rolled onto his back, pushing himself up to sitting position, "Besides, I'm basically a stay at home dad. And Harry is certainly anything but boring"
"True.."
After buttoning up his shirt, he stalked around the room, picking up any stray clothes from the events of the previous night. He placed them in the washing basket, then picked out a pair of baggy jeans, a grey, black and white flannel shirt and a white t-shirt from their wardrobe then threw them at Sirius, who was still lounging around on the bed.
"Hey!" he sat up.
"Get dressed, I need to be off soon."
"Fine." Sirius peeled himself up off the bed and started to pull his clothes on.
Remus sauntered into the living room, where Harry was sitting peacefully watching something on the telly.
"You alright, Harry? You're up early, any reason?"
"No." he replied simply.
"I'm making breakfast. D'you want any toast?"
"Okay,"
The boy kept his eyes glued on the TV, earning a smile from Remus as he saw that he seemed to be too invested in whatever he was watching.
When Sirius had finally dressed himself, he reached into the bedside and pulled out a pack of Marlboro reds and then his lighter than James had gotten him for his 18th birthday. He held the lighter in his palm and admired it, as he so often did.
(flashback)
"Happy birthday Padfoot!" James had said, diving through the red velvet curtains then jumping onto Sirius (who was still half asleep) and throwing a small box, wrapped in red and gold wrapping paper, at his head.
"Godric-! James?! You can't just- What's this?" he said, picking up the present.
"Gift, of course! It's custom made and all. Go on! Open it!" he grinned, sitting cross legged at the other's feet.
Sirius raised an eyebrow and he pushed himself to sit up, "Where's Moony?" he frowned.
"For Merlin's sake! Can't stand to be away from your boyfriend for even a second, can you?!" James laughed, "He's still asleep... Open the gift!" he pressed it further into the other's hand.
"Asleep? Hang on, what time is it?" he exasperated.
"Er- 5am... That's beside the point. Just open the bloody gift!"
Sirius rolled his eyes and did so. When he ripped off the wrapping paper he was presented with a small cardboard box, he opened it carefully and let out a gasp when he saw what the contents were.
"Prongs... I love it, thank you." he smiled warmly at his best friend.
"I knew you would!"
In his palm lay a silver lighter, engraved with a paw print on either side. The lid, however, was etched with a moon, a pair of antlers and a rat.
"Now you can carry us all in your pocket wherever you are!" James grinned.
Sirius quickly leaped onto James squeezing himself tightly,
"Seriously, thank you."
"D'you mean Siriusly?"
The pair threw their heads back as they burst out laughing, tears of happiness pricking their eyes.
"I dunno what I'd do without you." Sirius said.
(flashback end)
Sirius let out a deep sigh, then drew in a shaky breath, quickly rubbing his eyes that were stinging with tears. He brought the cigarette up to his mouth and then lit it, taking a drag before setting the lighter back on the bedside table.
With the cigarette still gracing his lips, he used his fingers to comb out his hair, curls now slightly matting together and frizzy.
He walked into the living room, casually smoking as he went into the kitchen. Sirius snaked his arms around Remus' waist, as per usual, with cigarette between his teeth. He hooked his chin over the taller's shoulder.
Remus turned his head to look at his partner.
"You're smoking?" he frowned, "Thought you quit."
Sirius brought his hand up to his mouth to take the cigarette out but Remus beat him to it, taking a drag for himself.
"Oi- those are my fags. You plan on paying me for it?"
"No," he smirked, "And don't dodge the question you prick. Did you even quit in the first place?"
"Did do, yeah. Only started up again recently."
"Mmm..."
Sirius took back the cigarette, breathing it in and revelling in the taste before blowing the smoke out then pecking Remus on the lips.
They pulled away from the hug as the brunette went back to spreading jam and marmalade on toast. Sirius casually hopped up on the kitchen counter, continuing his smoke.
Harry ambled into the kitchen, door creaking on its hinged.
"Hey Moony I-"
His eyes suddenly locked onto the cigarette in between his Godfathers fingers. Suddenly, the boy's whole body began to shake violently.
"Harry?" Sirius said with frown. The cigarette glowed orange as he slowly breathed it in, it felt as though it was taunting Harry. The sound of his own flesh sizzling under the butt of Vernon's cigarette being put out on his back and firearms. Harry felt sick. The sound echoed in his ears whilst everything else was drowned out with a dreadful ringing noise.
"Harry what's the matter, pup?" Sirius' frowned deepened, eyebrows knit closely together.
Remus followed the younger's eye-line, widening his own eyes when he realised.
"Sirius!" he shot. Harry's chest rising and falling at an alarming rate as tears threatened to fall.
"Hm?"
"The cigarette!"
His heart dropped into his stomach upon the realisation. He instantly stubbed it out in the sink and threw it in. Hopping off the counter, Sirius made his way over to the boy hesitating.
"Harry, I'm sorry.." he frowned at the tears that were now cascading down his cheeks. "I'm not going to hurt you Bambi, I would never do that."
Harry nodded slightly, emerald green eyes peeking out through his long hair. Sirius smiled slightly, "Think it's time you get a hair cut!" he slowly brought up a hand to the boy's head, waiting for his approval before he ruffled his hair. Sniffing slightly, Harry offered his own smile. Remus watched the pair with a neutral expression, but internally his head reeled. He couldn't fathom how Sirius could've been so insensitive. He swallowed his own guilt for not noticing either.
Stroking Harry's hair, Sirius tried not to give in to the sickening feeling residing in his stomach. Tears burnt his eyes but he didn't dare let them fall. He had no right to cry, it was his fault in the first place.
"Toasts ready..." Remus finally interjected, "If you still feel up to it?"
"Okay..." he nodded affirmatively.
"Good lad. Here you go, put something back on the telly, me and Pads will be in, in a minute." he said softly, handing Harry a plate of toast.
When he'd finally sat back down on the sofa, Remus turned to Sirius with a frown written across his face. Tears threatening to fall more now than ever.
"Hey.. Hey don't cry." he pulled the ravenette into a hug, rubbing circles in around his back in a soothing manner. "It's okay Sirius, it's not your fault." Remus bit his tongue, trying not to make matters worse. Yes, it technically had been his fault for smoking the cigarette but Sirius had been smoking since they were 15, he just picked one up out habit now. No thoughts given
"Can't.." he muffled into the crack of Remus' shoulder.
"Hm?"
"I can't do this whole Godfather thing, Moony. I'm shit at it." he scoffed, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"Well that's just not true is it?"
Sirius pulled away from the hug.
"I dunno, I just keep upsetting him. Told you earlier, he liked you more."
"No he doesn't, so stop that rubbish right now." Remus tapped the ravenette's arm in a reprimanding manner.
"I don't like either of you more..." said a small voice through the crack of the oak door. The pair shifted their attention to the boy, a mass of straggly and untamed black hair making its way toward them. "Sorry Sirius. I know I hurt you. I didn't mean it," his bottom lip began to quiver.
"Oh Harry, no I'm sorry. I should've never snapped at you, or smoked in front of you." Sirius replied softly.
"T's okay.. M'being dramatic anyways." he murmured.
"After what you've been through, I promise, this isn't dramatic. C'mere," he invited Harry into a hug, one that the boy gratefully accepted. Sirius ran his fingers through the messy hair. "Now, Moonys got work to go to. But you get to be graced with my presence all day everyday." Remus scoffed sarcastically at that, earning a giggle from Harry, "So I was thinking we could go shopping, if you're feeling up to it? If not we can always just watch movies all day or maybe even do some baking! What d'you say?"
Harry shrugged, he wasn't used to making his own decisions.
"It's up to you." he smiled softly.
"Er- I dunno Padfoot," he frowned, scared of making the wrong choice, "Mmmm... Watch a movie.. maybe? If you want.. And then we could bake later. If that's okay?"
"Of course!" he crouched down and picked Harry up, "Remus, get lost." he smiled sarcastically.
Remus scoffed, jokingly, in response and went up to the two so he could wrap him arms around them both then kissed them on the head.
"Fine.. Fine. I'll be off then, see you later Harry," he smiled, "And you-" he turned to Sirius, smirking, "Behave. I trust you'll keep an eye on him, Harry, keep him in check for me. Yeah?"
"Of course, Moony." he smiled brightly, in a way that made the other two's hearts melt.
"See you!" and just like that, with a loud crack Remus disapparated.
"Well then Harry. We have a long day of nothing ahead of us!"