Night on the Sun
Standing in the common room, James and Peter by his side, he looked down at Remus curled into the couch and shook his head in disbelief. He was mad at himself for falling asleep so easily in Remus’s bed but he wouldn’t have imagined that he would go to such lengths to avoid climbing in with him. Merlin, wake him up if it was such a big deal.
He was sure Remus was going to be aching when he woke, the angle his neck was bent at could not be comfortable. Sirius took in his face that was smashed into the back cushion, eyes trailing down to his worn Led Zeppelin t-shirt and tartan pyjama pants that bunched around his ankles. His legs had to scrunch up to fit onto the seat and Sirius had to resist the urge to carry him back to bed.
James puffed out a laugh next to him and clapped Sirius on the shoulder, whispering, “I’ll run and grab him some breakfast.”
Peter trailed after him like the lap-dog he was, leaving Sirius to stare at Remus alone. He sat on the coffee table, crossing his legs underneath him, and thought about what he would say when Remus woke up. A full day had passed without a word between them, it wasn’t right. He didn’t care if Moony wanted to be embarrassed or angry or miserable, couldn’t he be those things towards Sirius?
Lily climbed through the portrait hole, evidently doing the thing James had just gone to do, and arrived with a cup of tea and a stack of toast and pastries. She came to sit beside Sirius and shot him a soft smile, they both watched in silence as Remus’s chest moved up and down.
When he stirred out of his sleep he seemed lost for a moment, taking in his surroundings, before focusing in on Lily and Sirius across from him. Sirius fought a smile at the red lines that were pressed into his face from the seam of the cushions and the tangled mess of his hair. Lily offered up the tea.
He sat up stiffly and took it, there was a fear in his eyes like Sirius had put him on the spot with just his being here, and he didn’t move to take a sip. Sirius wasn’t patient, he couldn’t help from feeling the need to say something.
He made an attempt at an easy smile and narrowed his eyes, “Interesting choice of bed you’ve made for yourself, Lupin.”
•
Things weren’t normal with Remus, it seemed like he was holding his breath, but at least he was speaking to them. He greeted James and Peter as they returned to the common room with even more food, but there was an underlying strain to all their conversation and it kept falling into silence.
Sirius started to worry that he had ruined everything by telling James, it felt obvious- the way that all of them were casting quick glances towards him, and they were trying too hard to pretend everything was normal. Remus would probably hate to think that Sirius was organizing a pity party on his behalf.
He mostly sat with his eyes down and drank tea, he played with the food but Sirius never saw him take any bites. He jumped at the chance to study with Evans when she excused herself to the library, and Sirius dug his fists into his eyes as he watched them disappear out the portrait hole.
•
Sirius flitted wildly around the room as they waited for Madam Pomfrey’s name to leave Remus’ on the map. Remus had basically avoided them all day, driving Sirius up the wall, and now they were heading into a full moon in the worst headspace he could possibly imagine. James kept harassing him about how viciously he was chewing at his nails, saying he couldn’t wait for Sirius to turn into a dog already.
When the coast was clear they made their way out to the shack and walked in to find Remus standing with a severe look on his face, wringing his hands nervously, “I think maybe I should be alone tonight.”
“Fuck’s sake, you’ve been alone for days, Moony. I think you’ve had your fill,” Sirius scoffed, annoyance flooding him. He was absolutely not letting Remus push them away this time.
Remus seemed surprised that he’d spoken up, but angry nonetheless. James cut in before he had a chance to respond to Sirius’s outburst, “I think that’s a bad idea, Remus.”
He pulled at his hair in frustration and countered, “I don’t feel right, I’m worried I’ll hurt you.”
“I am not leaving,” Sirius asserted, interrupting the end of Remus’s argument, his amber eyes glowed gold as he stared Sirius down. They all knew the risks in doing this, there was always a chance they could get hurt, but they wanted to do it regardless. You know who was definitely going to be hurt? Remus. That mattered more.
James and Peter said nothing but stood their ground behind him, not backing down as he continued spouting off about how they were being stupid and needed to get away. Remus was steaming, yanking at his hair and leaving red marks as he dragged his hands across his neck.
When the transformation came Sirius was hesitant to turn into his dog form, he wanted to stay human with Remus as long as he could. He kneeled before him as he writhed in pain, reached down and gave his hand a squeeze before joining James and Peter in their animagi forms.
•
Sirius huddled over the mangled ruins of Remus’s body as pools of blood soaked the dirty floor under his hands. The skin of his face was peeled back, a flap of his scalp lifted, he had slices through his side that were deep enough to reveal the bone of his ribs. Sirius couldn’t breathe, or maybe he was breathing too much. His lungs burned and he could feel tugging on his shoulders and waist like somebody was trying to pull him away.
He clung to his body with everything he had, felt the warm thick blood leach through his clothes, his mind racing to remember healing spells. He had done this before, when he or Regulus had been cut too deeply by a slashing spell, but his mind felt useless now- distant somehow- like he wasn’t attached to it. He could feel the press of Remus’s chest against him as he breathed, the only thing keeping Sirius from fully losing it.
Suddenly James’s face appeared before Sirius, blocking his view of Remus. The sound of James begging him to leave crashed through his ears, although a loud bawling almost covered it entirely.
“Pomfrey is on her way, Sirius! Please, we have to go!”
He couldn’t leave Remus like this, his body wouldn’t let him. He shook his head uncontrollably, the bawling turning into a chorus of ‘no’ chanted over and over. He raised a shaking hand to push Remus’s face back together where it had split between his eyes, when he felt James come behind and grab his ankles, dragging him out of the shack.
____
Remus hung his head as he sat in the library with Lily, he was thankful to escape the stifling discomfort of watching James and Sirius pantomime nonchalance, but he knew he was in for it here. She had shot him a demanding look before subtly mentioning she was going to study, he got the picture and followed her out of the common room. She stared him down at their table, books open for pretense but neither of them sparing the pages a glance.
“I gave you your time. Spill, Lupin.”
He looked up at the green eyes that narrowed menacingly at him. He knew he was caught but wasn’t sure how little he could get away with divulging. He tried, “I got too drunk, that’s all.”
“Oh I can attest to that,” she raised her eyebrows mockingly, “There’s something more though.”
When Remus didn’t answer she tried a different angle, “He sat on that table fussing over you all morning, Rem.”
“I don’t know, okay?” He spoke through clenched teeth, “He followed me up to the astronomy tower that night, and I was drunk, being stupid.”
She nodded for him to continue, eyes falling gentle now as she listened. His face crunched into a sour expression as he went on, speaking softly into his lap, “I made him cry, Lily.”
Trying her best to make him feel better, she droned on about how it would be fine, how Sirius clearly wasn’t mad, how much his friends cared about him. Remus didn’t tell her how all of those things made him feel worse somehow. He let her distract him with complaints about her own night, how James had tried tirelessly to dance with her at the party.
•
After the library he wandered the grounds, lighting up cigarettes whenever he felt the thrill of anxiety run through him. The moon was tonight and he was already anticipating the worst, his body was sore from all he’d put it through lately, not to mention his mood. He could feel that it would be bad this time, but he didn’t know what he could do to make his friends stay away.
He fretted over it for hours and eventually settled for hoping that if he isolated himself all day then they might not show. Perhaps they’d be mad at him or worried that he wouldn’t want them there. He knew it was no use to argue with them, he had tried his hardest to convince them the whole thing was too dangerous in the first place, and look where that got him.
He went to Madam Pomfrey’s earlier than usual and let her lead him out to the shack where he was kept for his transformations, it was leagues better than the cold cement bunker where he was held at his parents’. His appearance must have given him away because she stayed with him until it was close to dusk, discussing how he was feeling and assuring him that she’d be there first thing the next morning.
His heart sank when he sensed his friends scurrying down the tunnel towards him, and he prepared himself to make them go. He wasn’t expecting Sirius to snap at him, flash indignation at him in those silver eyes, and call him out for avoiding them.
He tried to explain that he felt more untethered tonight, that it was for their best to leave him, “I’m worried I’ll hurt you.”
Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically and cut Remus off, “I am not leaving.”
There was so much finality behind it that everything he said after fell meaningless. He tried hysterically to make them understand, panic rising up in his throat as he imagined waking up to discover he’d harmed the only people he’d ever let close enough to do so.
Blinding pain tore through him and he fell to the floor. He squinted an eye open when he felt pressure envelop his hand and saw pale fingers lace into his own.