The Waydown
There was no hope for sleep that night, Sirius sat with his eyes staring unfocused at the dark ceiling above him. It was a miracle that he made it out of that tower and had corralled Remus back to their room safely, but by the time he did it was too late for anyone else to be awake and he had no choice but to sit with his thoughts. He insisted that they kept their bed hangings open so he could peer across at Remus and make sure he was okay throughout the night.
Okay in a vague sense, obviously not in any real way. Whenever he tried to close his eyes he pictured Remus’s body hanging loose over the rails of the astronomy tower, remembered the sound of the sobs that wracked through him. He kept his eyes open and stayed up until the sun rose again.
He had worked out two things tonight- Remus was in trouble, and Sirius was in love with him. That had to be what this was. He already knew he cared too much for him, but the way Sirius felt like it had ripped his heart out to see Remus in that broken place, it could only be one thing. What did that say about him, that pain was the metric he used to measure love.
Once there was enough light streaming through the drapes to justify waking up James, he threw himself into his bed and yanked his bed hangings shut, casting a silencing charm.
“Jamie, wake up,” his voice sounded rough, his throat felt too dry and he was sure he looked dreadful after staying up all night in and out of tears.
To his credit James woke up instantly, eyes widening in concern as he looked Sirius over, “Sirius, what’s wrong? What happened?”
It made him well up again, thinking of how to explain everything to him, he didn’t know where to start. He was always bugging him about Remus, he needed to convey how serious it felt this time. James grabbed his arm and pulled him closer in bed, he rubbed his hands over Sirius’s arms and back, trying to calm him down.
“It’s Moony,” he spoke through tears, “He got hammered and went up to the astronomy tower,” he sucked in a breath. He hardly ever cried like this, he needed to get it together.
“I mean he couldn’t even walk, he slipped trying to stand, and he was sitting right on the edge. If I hadn’t been there-” he gasped in a steadying breath, his thoughts were spinning, “I’m scared that he- I don’t think he cared if he fell.”
James’s hands stilled at Sirius’s words and he pulled back to look at him, mouth open like he might respond. In a moment of cowardice Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, forcing tears to fall as he did, he didn’t want to see James’s reaction when he spoke again, “I think I love him, James. I don’t know what to do.”
He pulled Sirius’s head forward to rest against his chest and resumed stroking up and down his back. He showered him in claims of, “It’s okay, it’ll be okay,” until sleep finally found him.
•
James sat across from him at the lunch table as he tried to force an appetite onto Sirius, he’d let him sleep through breakfast but he was insistent that he eat something now. He felt sheepish after the way he’d cried in James’s chest last night and picked flakes off the pastie that sat on his plate. Neither one knew what to say.
“So you love him then?”
Sirius huffed a laugh at his straightforwardness, raising his eyebrows as he looked back up towards James’s smug grin, “Yeah, s’pose I do.”
“Knew it,” James responded immediately. The silence settled back between them before James spotted Lily getting up to leave the table. He spun around in his seat and called to her, “Oi, Evans!”
She didn’t seem too pleased at this, rolling her eyes and attempting to keep walking past. But she had paused long enough for James to tug her closer by the arm and say, “Check in on Remus today, yeah?”
The tension she was holding between her brow relaxed and her mouth fell open before she pulled it shut again. She seemed stunned, but eventually nodded her head with a sincere look before leaving the Great Hall.
•
James huddled with Sirius and Peter in the Gryffindor common room after dinner passed with no sign of Remus. Lily had let them know the state of him, and though James had seemed thrilled that she was speaking to him, it didn’t help settle their nerves.
Casting a muffliato over them, James spoke, “Right lads, it seems our Moony is in a bad way.”
Peter groaned at the topic and Sirius punched his arm hard, “Why’s he even here?” he turned to question James, pulling an annoyed look. He was quick to snap today but his tensions were too high to hold himself back.
“Focus,” James snapped, “We’re all going to have to keep an eye on him, but we need to be careful not to overwhelm him.”
James widened his eyes at Sirius, seemingly directing that last part at him, but he and Peter murmured their agreements anyway. Fair enough, Remus clearly didn’t respond well to his persistent questioning of what was wrong, but Sirius was never good with subtlety.
“And we need to watch him around alcohol,” Sirius sighed out as he ran his hands down his face. He hated the way he sounded, like he didn’t trust Remus to handle himself, but if he was honest maybe he didn’t.
He thought he heard Peter grumble something about being a babysitter and rage surged through Sirius as he jumped up and raised his wand, he searched his mind for an unforgivable he could use that James might be able to look past.
James bit out, “This is serious, Pete,” with an anger Sirius didn’t know he was capable of, while pushing Sirius's wand back down. He watched as Peter nodded his head frantically with an apologetic look, it was gross how much he groveled at James’s feet. James continued, “There's a moon tomorrow night, I can look after him until then and talk to him once he’s recovered.”
As mollified as Sirius was to feel like they were taking action, he had grave doubts about his ability to leave Remus be, and was terrified of doing the wrong thing. It would be just like Sirius to speak out of turn and drive him further away. He thought back to the times he tried to reach out to Regulus after he’d been on the receiving end of Walburga’s wrath, how Reg would always end up annoyed at him for his efforts.
It seemed like he could never learn his lesson though, as he climbed into Remus’s bed later that night. He had heard him plod away into the bathroom and taken the opportunity to shuffle over while Remus couldn’t turn him away. He had no idea what he would say when he returned, but he was happy just to feel the warmth Remus left behind.
____
When Remus woke he didn’t open his eyes, panic raced through him as he thought about the night before and prayed it wasn’t as dramatic as his memory served. He groaned and vowed to lay in bed for the rest of his life as he pulled the covers up over his head. For as bad as he felt last night, it was nothing compared to the way he felt today. His head was made out of sharp pains, his face felt like he’d been punched, his body ached as though he’d been run over, and a rock sat heavy in his stomach.
He couldn’t have embarrassed himself more. Hiding away drunk, no doubt stumbling and slurring like a fool, and Sirius of all people had to see him like that. He thought this might be the thing that drove him away for good, it would probably be for the best. His mind flashed to a picture of Sirius’s face distraught and covered in tears.
He was going to be sick, he shot up and his head surged with pain. He glanced to his right and saw the bin sat beside him, grabbed it and unleashed his stomach contents until he was spitting nothing but bile. He deserved this, honestly.
He took in the dim light of the empty room, grateful that at least nobody was around to see him, he could wallow through the day without witnesses. As if God was listening and acting just to spite him, he heard the door creak open and saw green eyes search for him in the minimal light the window provided. Lily walked forward and came to sit at the foot of his bed, pulling her knees up to her chest.
“You look awful, Lupin. And I don’t even think I should mention the smell,” she spoke softly, trying to be kind to his hangover, but it still felt like her voice boomed in the quiet.
He thought about smiling but he could only grimace at the noise. He clung the bin tight against his chest and groaned in response, letting his chin fall to rest on its edge.
“Rough night, love?”
Rough didn’t begin to cover it, he didn’t remember most of it and he still knew he had fucked up monumentally. His cover felt blown. She leaned forward and pushed his shaggy brown hair out of his face where it hung, her hands felt cool against his hot forehead.
“I really don’t want to talk about it, Lil,” he croaked into the bin, his throat was raw from throwing up so much.
“Okay,” she slid down, laying top to toe in bed with him, “I’m staying though.”
•
He had no choice but to avoid his friends, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to look Sirius in the face. He stayed in bed through dinner, Lily left with a promise to bring him back something, though he’d asked her not to. The thought of eating filled him with nausea and he turned her away when she came back in with toast. He didn’t get up to shower or brush his teeth, letting himself be as disgusting as he felt.
He heard his roommates slip in, the noises of them getting ready for bed, and the distant mumbles of them attempting to speak to him which he blocked out entirely. He watched the sun slip back down, the day pass into another, from under the safety of his blankets. It was the middle of the night when he finally climbed out of bed to melt himself in another boiling shower. He brushed his teeth while avoiding his reflection in the mirror, took a drink of water, and pulled back the hangings to return to his bed, stopping when he saw Sirius laying there breathing softly.
He froze to the spot, eyes tracing over Sirius’s face. His long eyelashes cast shadows down his cheeks, his nose a delicate curve, his full lips were parted with puffs of air, black waves sprawled out against the pillow. He was beautiful. Remus couldn’t move his feet.
He should wake him and apologize, but he so dreaded to face a lecture, or worse, forgiveness. He should tell him to leave but there was no world in which Remus would kick Sirius out of his bed. He moved carefully as he dropped the bed hanging back into place, crept down to the common room, and crammed himself into the sofa for the night.