counting your scars and missing the stars [discontinued]

You are awestruck to say the least, no, not awestruck, that's not good enough. More like a combination of aghast, mind-boggled, and confounded of the absolute idiocy of Dave Strider (that last name is annoying the crap out of you), and his moronic, confusing actions. Does he even know how fucking dangerous swallowing dry pills is? You wouldn’t put it past him, every trait that he’s shown as been giving hints to the answer that he's an imbecile.

You consciously shift closer to Kanaya because she’s a safe zone that you trust wholeheartedly, part of you is wondering why he needs pain medication because with what Rose said, it seems like he takes it often. Other part of you wonders why he wears shades and how Mr. Hare didn't tell him to take them off. The Mr. Hare who screamed at a kid for wearing a baseball hat.

You don't want to accept it, but you're intrigued. And, you can't really hate someone for just wearing sunglasses in January, even though you've hated people for less of a reason. Dave could be blind, you wince as someone from your past came up in your mind, or he could have some eye-disease problem. He did save your stumbling ass in History, in the weirdest word-vomit way, so the least you could do is be friendly.
As friendly as your social anxiety will let you.

“Uh, thanks for earlier. In history class.”
There was a hidden undertone that you knew that he wouldn't be able to hear, the “even if you told Nepeta, whoever the fuck that is, that she could lick me.” You're salty about that part. You’re not Kankri, far far far from him, but licking is a germy, disgusting thing. Nepeta can go lick herself like a crazy cat lady for all you care.

He looks, or you think he looks since his eyes are hidden fuckers, at you and shrugs effortlessly. Like a douche. “Sure, no problem. You were freaking out about it,” he quickly adds, “You were all hunched over and shit. Trembling like a baby kitten abandoned in the rain by it’s overworked, druggie mother cat with two other cat babies on the way. A cute little Karkat, in need of shelter, and I just happened to be walking by, minding my own business. What kind of monster would I be if I didn't help?”
A rush of sharp wind, slicing through hair and cutting around bodies, went around the group, (it was suspiciously weird you would later think), as you narrow your eyes. Screw being kind. Kindness is for dorks with glasses and messy raven hair and dimples and crooked teeth that somehow all comes together to make a cute and dorky person that you really want to kiss.
Fuck no, fuck that thinking, you're over John fucking Egbert. He’s straight, remember?

Dave tilts his head at you, you really wish you could read his expression, and takes a bite of Kanaya’s food. Shit, that reminds you of your own sandwich. It tastes downright amazing, and you squeeze your cousin's hand to show your thanks. What would you do without her?

During the course of the lunch, another person comes over. She’s really tall, taller than Dave and he downright is a tower (to you at least), with thick black hair that's pulled up in a high ponytail and big circle glasses. She’s cute, her eyes are the greenest you’ve ever seen on someone and Kanaya is your cousin. She's also the definition of an optimistic person, her laughter is contagious and she very clearly has a crush on Dave. She introduces herself as Jade Harley and instantly your mind flashes to John's half-sister, of course, you can see the resemblance in the face. Same plucky nose and cheeks that still have a little baby fat on them, but there’s still a good difference between them. Not like Strider and Rose, they look almost exactly the same if you take away the body.
“Dave, you still being a cool-kid?”, she questions with bright eyes and he flashes her fingerguns.
Her crush is so obvious that you're confused on how he hasn't caught on yet. It's only a matter of time before she spills her guts, but the question is if he likes her back.

Dave provides more than half of the commentary for everyone and sometimes goes “Yes, exactly” when no one said anything. You quickly become annoyed at this and think, can you shut up for one godforsaken second, today is not the day I want my fucking ears to bleed out from all of your nonsense rambling! I can feel myself become dumber by the second, my brain cells are killing themselves to get away from your sht-talking mouth! He then stops midway through explaining how Morty from Rick and Morty is actually Ariel from The Little Mermaid and does the breathy laugh he did back in class. You've never heard anything like it before, and it makes your ears burn red. It’s attractive, somehow it’s attractive and you long to hear more. You make it your mission to make him laugh at least one more time.

Kanaya smiles kindly and Rose smiles like she knows something, you dully remember Kanaya whispering to you last period how Rose Lalonde is the smartest person she had ever met. You would like to doubt that, but so far, the flighty broad has been living up to her image.
She opens her mouth to communicate to you, “Karkat, you've been awfully silent. Do you have anything to add?”

You frown, eyes flickering away from her, and shake your head. Dave had stopped laughing, you note. “Hm, if you don't mind me asking, where did you live before?”, she pushed. You decide that you don't like her. Pushy, needy people are the worst, yet your family member, Mrs. Maryam, like to probe in shit that doesn’t concern her, so you guess it’s not the same for everyone. You also don't know how to answer that question, your father moved around a lot for protests and riots, so you go with the last place you lived in. The place that got burned down in “West Virginia.”
She nods, pleased with that answer. Bitch.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see the freckled teen frowning, very slightly that most eyes would pass it, at you. It's the only expression you've seen on him so far and it makes your stomach churn unpleasantly like you're going to puke.
Your skin bristles, he couldn't possibly know that you called his sister, twin sister at that, a bitch. He would have to be a mind reader to know that.

Just like the bell, you're saved from the awkward encounter of Dave showing an unpleasant emotion. It's John, screaming your name and hopping up and down like he's on fire. You suddenly understand the metaphor “Straight out of the pan and into the fire”, or is it “Straight out of the fire and into the pan”? You cringe inwardly, people are starting to look, and before you do anything, Dave hoists you up quickly. Too quickly.
Your nose is a couple centimeters from his body, and you think absentmindedly if he could hear your pounding heartbeat. You could feel his heat, warm and inviting.

“Damn, you're light as fuck. Didn't expect that to be as easy as it was, what do you eat? Clouds and air? Because I’ve tried that diet and it's not very nutritious,” he trails off and even if you have only known him for a solid hour (two hours if you count the early morning and history class), you can say for a fact that he rambles a lot. He literally never shuts up.
You lightly push at his chest and glare up at him, he's so fucking tall, luckily he gets the hint and takes several steps back. He seems to be nervous, the second expression you've seen on him and this one makes you feel a lot better than the frowning.

You wonder what he looks like when he's happy.

You abscond before you can finish that thought, going up to John. You’re sweating and you can feel everyone’s eyes on you, you know you’re not imagining that. He smiles with his dimples and all teeth that makes butterflies flutter lightly in your stomach, butterflies that are dying because 1, anxiety, and two, you’re done with the stupid crush on him, “Hey, Karkat! I finally got out of piano class, anything interesting happened?”

You sigh, crossing your arms, “Your friend Dave being a flirty, talkative dick, his sister trying to find all the secrets of my life, and classes that have me tearing my own hair out. Also, met you sister, she acts like you. So far, it's been a good fucking day, I just hope from the bottom of my small, shriveled heart that it continues like this all the way til I get home! Maybe Kankri can be amazing and lecture me again on how language needs to be fucking proper.”

He laughs, an ugly laugh by all means, but still makes your heart burn. His sister sounds like him, and that makes your heart go back to being a lump of coal. “Ha ha, very funny, crabbypants. Anyways, lunch is gonna end soon, want to walk to English together? You said you had Mrs. Lucille fifth period, I think.” He rolls his sky blue eyes, how can eyes be that blue, and began walking away. Curse his long legs that make you have to run to catch up. At least he’s not as tall as Dave, a couple inches shorter.
Back on topic, you nod, you did tell him that. In a long, angry rant at three in the morning that wasn't even about classes when he was asleep, so you're a bit surprised he knew that. Your rants are...something in of itself.
You have hopes for the English class, you may okay not of googled your teacher to see if she was good or not and you got mixed results. It looks like she's some sort of hardass.

But you don't get to judge, because there's a substitute (who obviously knows practically nothing about teaching literature). The classroom is oddly vacant, about ten students are either absent or skipped, you wouldn’t judge, but you’re judging. You sit next to John this time, because there’s no assigned seats. The substitute is really tall, six foot three or something, with dark hair and a Harry Potter double scar on his forehead. He smiles and says hello to the class, “Call me Cronus.” You froze, that’s what your brother’s so-called boyfriend is called. And how many Cronus Ampora’s are there?

You pray from the bottom of your stone cold heart that Mrs. Lucille is better than Mr. Ampora, Cronus, he fucking flirted with some of the girls like a cheap, prick, scumbag dickwad. You really pray that he's not your brother's boyfriend or you're really going to get beat up for trying to beat his ass up. You met his brother, Eridan “Prince Fishcrap” Ampora in third period and fuck does that guy have the ego way higher than Dave with his stupid coolkid shades.
( “Hey, move the fuck out of my way.”
“S-sorry.”
“You better be. Where did you get that outfit? The old lady store?”
“...What? Did you just- insult my clothes?”
“..Yes?”
“What the fuck, that’s one of the most sad and pathetic insults I’ve ever fucking heard.”
“Wwhoa, calm down.”
“No, you fucking calm down, you shitspewing douchebagging crapsmoker.”
“...Wwanna eat lunch together?”
“Eh, tomorrow.”)
But, you think you made your first friend by yourself (Strider isn’t a friend and Rose is hella Kanaya’s and so it doesn’t count.)
Fifth period passes, and then sixth, your last class has Dave in it, but luckily it has Kanaya as well. You sit next to her instead of blonde fuckboi.

The final bell rings, time flies, and you find yourself walking home with Dave Strider. He has a weird last name, fucking stride? Come on. Kanaya has to stay behind at school to finish a project with Rose, totally in cahoots. Making out? Very likely. You don't want to have Dave walk you home, but he's the only one in distance that knows where your house is and you want to know how to get home from school. You don’t want to rely on anyone, relying on people just gets you hurt and fucked up. You can take care of yourself.
As predictable, he strikes up a one-sided conversation that you want no part in, “So, how was your first day at this lovely school?”.

“Shitty,” You respond duly, shrugging your shoulders. Talking one on one is easier, but you would rather not talk at all. Curse fucking shitty past you for forgetting to bring earbuds. You would love to listen to some of your emo shit instead of making awkward small talk. Some Twenty One-Pilots or Hasley would be great right now. But not Halsey's new music, it's too popish and you miss when she was unique.

“Wow, I was expecting more of a ‘that place makes me want to tear off the secretary's long ass fucking claws to tear my stomach in two, so I could grab my guts and hang myself right here, right now.’ But, shitty works too.”
You freeze, your shoe hitting against a pebble, sending it skittering away in the street. He did a perfect impression of you, perfectly, sure it wasn't hard because your personality is very distinctive, but you've never acted like yourself around him. Ever. You have had one word answers, maybe a sentence or two. It’s not like how it happened with Eridan and how he just made you so full of rage that you spat angry words at him like you do in your head all the time at everyone.

You assure yourself that John must of talked about you a lot, that makes your cheeks hot, and wipe your sweaty hands on your pants. Dave had stopped at the stop sign, quietly waiting for you. He doesn't say anything else on the way to your house, not even when you thank him. It's weird, but you thank the silence when it lasted.
You twist the doorknob, taken aback on how easily it turns, and step inside. Instantly, you're hit with the smell of chemicals and bleach. You sign, and after taking off your shoes, you look around for Kankri. The kitchen is spotless, as small as it is, it looks damn beautiful. You remind yourself to complement Kankri, he probably spent hours on it. The front room is empty, and you can’t find him anywhere in the house. You’re alone.

You lock your door to your room, and slid down it, curling your arms around your knees. Today was exhausting. You want to stay in your room forever, and just cry until you run out of tears. You miss your father. You miss your old house with it’s two story and awesome movie room that your dad made just for you and your movies, your romance comedy movies that you spent years collecting, and your crab, (Will Smith), but everything died in that fire. Will Smith died, and he was supposed to live a long ass time! Your one picture of mom, most of your collection of sweaters, and fuck!

You’re hyperventilating, your fingers are pressing down hard on your arm to try to bring you back to reality, they’re making indications hard enough that you know there’ll be bruises. You fucking promised yourself you wouldn’t think about it, thinking about it causes you to lose yourself. It’s just not fucking fair! Your thick, orange hair that you inherited from your mom flops in your face, but you’re shaking too hard to move it. Why? Why did all of this happen to you? You deserve every hard ball the universe throws at you, but your father didn’t, and your brother doesn’t deserve to confined to your miserable ass. He was going places, but now he has to take care of you.
You killed your father.
By just being who you are, you didn’t want to be given what you can do, but- but if only you were more careful. Someone lit that fire to kill you, but they killed the only person you trusted instead. The only person that mattered. He always warned you to never use it, to never let go of control, and for the most part, you were fine. But some nights you spent practicing in your room, late enough that the moon was going down and the sun was beginning to come up.You wanted to show him that you could do it, he doesn’t need to be scared.

You sob into your knees, your tears flowing down your face and this is the first time you’ve truly grieved for what you lost. You keep thinking about your crab, how you’ll never be able to see him do the little head tilt he does when he’s happy, or about your movies and how you lost your favorite one, you’ll never be able to scream at Rick for being an idiot for letting her go ever again. Well..you could always get a new crab and new movies, but they meant a lot to you, okay?! And-and your father, he fucking died and he’s never going to ruffle your hair again or sing to you with his deep voice to help you sleep or tell you stories about your mother when they met. You miss him so fucking much, and Kankri’s trying, but it’s not the same. He forgot that you were vegetarian for fucks’ sake! You wish you were never born, you wish you killed yourself when you were younger, you wish that your father is alive and this was all some sick joke and not real life. But most importantly, you wish so strongly that you weren’t you.

When you finally calmed down and opened your eyes, you break down again. Because everything, your bed, your laptop, the floor, everything was coated in this thick layer of ice and snow softly fell from the ceiling. It was a scene straight out of a movie, but this isn’t a fucking movie, there are no happy endings...but you wish there were.