Constellations, All of Us

Remus laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

A collection of dust was floating in the air and the sunlight made it sparkle. He reached out his hand and waved his fingers through it, making it swirl this way and that. He was reminded of blizzard storms during winter and that one Christmas at the Potter’s when the snow was almost knee deep (granted, they were all shorter then).

When he inhaled, his chest hurt a bit. When he exhaled, the heaviness was still there. It was everything he’d done and everything he hadn't. All he’d said and all he’d left unsaid.

Last night with Sirius was by no means a revelation.

He’d know about his feelings for Sirius Black ever since he was 14. He always looked at him a little bit longer than he did James or Peter. Always felt more annoyed by him and his presence.

Always wanted to bite his head off when he made heart-eyes at a girl he barely knew. It was all just fun for Sirius.

But Remus had already decided by then that he wouldn’t act on it - their friendship and the bonds they had as a group, as marauders, were much too important. And Remus was no saint - he’d had plenty of distractions along the way and finally, when Lily caught him with a boy in their 5th year, they’d learnt that secret about him, too.

Remus still got a bit misty-eyed when he recalled the way James stared at him, dumbstruck and then scratched his head saying ‘Alright, Moony.’ and went back to how they were before, nothing changed in their strong friendship. How Peter said ‘no shit’ and had obviously known already. How Lily smiled knowingly and took him out to the lake for a walk and ice cream. How Dorcas and Marlene high-fived him and said ‘welcome to the gang, dude’.

It wasn’t necessarily something that Remus ever would’ve wanted to talk about and he was glad it happened the way it did - he hated saying shit like that. And he’d seen Mary struggling with it for a long time before she drunkenly kissed Marlene at a party once and that was that. Dorcas wasn’t even mad - she’d been ecstatic that Mary had finally figured it out.

Remus felt that, similarly to his werewolf problem, this was something that would only make sense if he’d just show it. And, similarly, both problems just couldn’t be shown. He couldn’t kiss Sirius any more than he could transform into a werewolf before Mary, Marlene, Dorcas and Regulus, saying ‘tadaa’.

And it wasn’t that he wasn’t entirely able to - he was just too much of a coward. And while them not knowing his werewolf side was completely okay and maybe even safer and it made sense to hide it, Remus being in love with Sirius shouldn’t have been such a huge deal.

And yet - Remus couldn’t imagine anyone’s reaction besides Lily’s and that was only because the redhead already knew. She figured it out on the very same walk-around-the-lake when she learned that he was queer.

And her reaction would be a smug smile and an ‘I told you he would love you back’. Probably. Being the saint that is Lily Evans, she would probably shower him with kind words and more ice cream.

But last night had really seemed like the turning point - and he’d let it go too far. He’d seen how Sirius looked in the lake with the stars shining above him and he’d lost it for a second. He’d let himself believe that it was entirely okay to be in love with Sirius Black and to hope that he felt the same.

He still felt Sirius’ fingers on his hip where he’d grabbed him, burning through his skin.

Remus closed his eyes and exhaled again. The pain was still there.

What are you going to do about it? said a small voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Lily.

Someone from the left of him groaned. “Ugh, what time is it?” Mary asked, looking bleary-eyed and no better than Remus felt.

“It’s about 8 a.m.” Remus replied in a whisper.

She looked absolutely horrified by this. “That explains it.” she replied and promptly fell back on the bed, pulling the covers over herself.

“Morning,” Lily said, sitting up in her bed next to Remus and stretching her hands above her head.

“Mornin’” Remus mumbled back. At least he wasn’t the only person up at the crack of dawn in this place.

“Is that coffee I smell?” Lily asked, still in a low tone but no longer whispering. Her red hair was tied into a beautiful ponytail and Remus always wondered how she got them to look so silky. Running his fingers through them was the next best thing compared to Sirius’ hair.

And that wasn’t because Sirius’ hair were in any way soft like Lily’s - they were tangled more than often and even when Sirius did use products in it, they still kept their waves and tangles. But Sirius always got this blissed out look when Remus weaved his fingers through them. So yeah, best thing.

Remus sniffed the air. “Who the hell-”

“Are you two going to try and wake up the whole house or are you just gonna come down and drink this coffee in silence?” a soft but brooding voice came floating towards them.

Lily and Remus both got up, both in their pyjamas, and went downstairs, where Regulus had made a pot of coffee, somehow silently. He offered two mugs and they both took them graciously.

“Wanna go out?” Lily whispered and they followed her to the porch, where the sun was gleaming and the two garden chairs there were already warm from it.

Remus grabbed some blankets from the couch with him.

Lily sat into one as Regulus sat on the wooden floorboards, back to the bannister and facing them. Remus took the other chair and gave them the blankets wordlessly, putting the last one over his own legs. He left out his toes so the sun could warm them.

“Didn’t know you were an early bird, Reg.” Remus said, watching as the clouds moved in the sky. He hoped it would be a clear summer day.

Regulus made a face, probably because of the nickname, but then shrugged.

“It’s funny, because Sirius really likes to sleep in, doesn’t he?” Lily asked, sipping from her mug.

Remus sipped his, too. There was a little bit too much sugar for his liking but he appreciated the gesture nevertheless. “Yup, he sleeps like the dead. He wouldn’t wake even if you’d stick fireworks under his pillow and lit them.”

Lily laughed, the sound lovely and melodious in the morning air. Regulus smiled at her and said, “And it’s ironic ‘cause his snoring could wake the dead.”

This time, Remus snorted into his coffee and Lily’s laugh only got higher as she gasped for air.

“Oh, stop. I can’t breathe.” she said, waving her hand. Regulus seemed pretty pleased with himself.

Remus had always wondered how the Black brothers were so different. Regulus was every bit as handsome as Sirius - they had the same fine facial structure, the sharp cheekbones and jawline, the same lengthy black hair (although Regulus’ were a bit shorter and a bit darker). They were both poised and elegant in the way they moved and held themselves.

But their personalities clashed so much, it was sometimes hard to believe they grew up in the same house. But, as Remus well knew, that was exactly what held them close together. Nothing like childhood trauma to keep two brothers simultaneously at arms length and clutching to each other when no one was watching.

But where Sirius was annoyingly self-confident, Regulus was doubtful. Where Sirius was loud and obnoxious, Regulus was silent and brooding. Where Sirius could express his love with some well-timed pranks and meaningful gestures, Regulus never spoke first and even then, his words were barred with barb-wire and metal bars.

So, looking at him now, Remus could see a younger version of Sirius - but only a faint shadow. It made him sad, for some reason.

“God, I hope James has reconsidered being the leader of our expedition today. I don’t fancy getting lost in these thickets.” Lily said, peering over the corner of the building at the glooming woods that didn’t seem half as bad during the day.

“If there is anyone who overestimates his own abilities, it’s Potter.” Regulus said dryly, taking another sip.

Remus got out his cigarettes and lit one. Lily scrunched her nose. “I wish you’d stop that.” she said, a bit mournful.

He ignored it; she said it every time. He took a puff and felt the pain in his chest dissolve a little, which was ironic, all things considered.

Regulus was watching him so when Remus caught his eye, he stretched out his hand, wordlessly.

That’s how it went with Regulus, never saying anything unless he absolutely needed to.

Remus handed his cigarette over and let Regulus try it. To his knowledge, he hadn’t smoked before (he thinks Sirius would’ve found out and he almost certainly would’ve told (complained to) the marauders about it) and it showed. He coughed a bit on the first drag.

“Not you too, come on.” Lily complained, giving Regulus a stern look.

“Lighten up,” Regulus told her, taking another drag and handing the cigarette back to Remus with a ‘thanks’. “I just wanted to see what the fuss was about.”

“And?” Remus asked, the cigarette dangling from his fingers loosely. He was wearing a gold ring around his forefinger that Mary had gifted him. Unknowingly she’d chosen the right metal.

“It’s disgusting.” Regulus deadpanned.

Lily and Remus fell into fits of laughter.

They were interrupted by none other than James, who opened the front door with a “Oi, some of us are still trying to get a good sleep.” He was wearing his chequered pyjama bottoms and no shirt.

Regulus' smile fell quickly in favour of a scowl but he couldn’t hide the rose-tinted cheeks. He looked away quickly, while Lily said to James “It’s almost 9 a.m. I thought you wanted to get an early start, oh our old and wise guide.”

Remus saw James’ eyes flick from Lily to Regulus and back at Lily again.

The thing is, Remus had noticed Regulus acting weird before. Not that he didn’t act weird all the time, but especially when James was around.

It took him a while to realise why it fascinated him so, and then Remus it had hit him - Regulus was acting the same way in front of James he himself was acting in front of Sirius.

He’d also noticed Lily being the mediator of the scarce conversations between James and Regulus and of that Remus had no clue what to make.

He’d never said a word to Sirius. He valued his life, thank you very much. (Truth be told, Remus was pretty sure Sirius wouldn’t resort to anything drastic - he loved both James and Regulus, after all)

“Too right, Evans. Let’s wake the others so that we can have breakfast. Moony,” he said, turning to Remus now, who’d just finished smoking. “You’re on Padfoot duty.”

“Why me!?” Remus complained, getting up.

“Because you’re the only one who doesn’t get a beating when you wake him up earlier than he likes.” James said, smiling brightly.

“That’s not true,” Remus mumbled, feeling a bit warm, and led the way back inside.

Mary was already halfway downstairs, her pyjama blouse buttoned up wrong. She waved them a sleepy ‘hi’.

Lily went to wake up Dorcas and Marlene while James marched over to wake up Peter.

Mary eyed Remus with amusement as he stared at the door to his doom.

“Go on, it will only be worse if you drag it out,” Mary said and for a second, Remus wasn’t sure if she was talking about Remus’ inner turmoil or Sirius’ crankiness when he was woken up too early.

Either way, Remus accepted his fate.

Regulus stayed in the kitchen, pouring Mary a coffee, while Remus turned the knob to the door quietly and opened it. He left the door open a crack, hoping that the voices from the living room (and now the second floor where Lily was chatting to Dorcas and Marlene animatedly) would perhaps stir the lump under the sheets that was Sirius Black.

Remus could see a few strands of his hair falling out from under the blanket.

Fuck, he thought.

“Sirius,” he tried, first softly. He came a bit closer and when there was no sign of life, he sighed. “Sirius,” he said, a bit more urgent and louder.

There was a ‘hmphh’ and Sirius turned his back to him, facing the wall now. The blanket revealed his bare shoulder and a patch of his upper back, the muscles there contracting beautifully as he turned.

Fuck, Remus thought. Fuck, fuck, double fuck-

“Padfoot, come on, everyone’s up. Waiting for you.” Remus tried once more, hoping he didn’t sound as out of breath as he felt.

“Fuck them.” Sirius mumbled, voice muffled by the pillow.

Remus smiled against his will at how adorable the other boy was being. “Already have.” he replied swiftly.

As expected, this got results. Sirius sat up so fast, it almost made Remus’ head spin.

“You WHAT!?” he squealed, pushing his hair out of his face and staring at Remus in shock and betrayal.

Remus held up his hands, giggling. “I was joking. Sort of. There was that thing with James in 5th year-”

“You little shit,” Sirius said, loud as ever, and threw his pillow at him. “Fucking liar.”

“Not lying.” Remus deadpanned, having ducked the pillow.

“James would’ve told me.” Sirius said, sounding sure of himself.

Remus stepped a bit closer. “Are you sure about that?” he asked and ripped the blanket off him, making Sirius curl up to himself.

This had its pros and cons - the pro was that Sirius was definitely not going to stay in bed without a blanket OR a pillow. The con was that Remus now had to watch his bare chest and surprisingly firm abs.

“Dick!” Sirius laughed and before Remus could stop him, Sirius’ hand clutched his wrist and pulled. Remus fell into the bed, almost bumping his head on the wall.

“Fucking hell, you fucker, let me-” Remus yelled, but Sirius had already pinned his wrists to the sides.

“Tell me you’re lying.” he insisted.

Remus remained silent, smirking up at him. Sirius’ hair fell to his face like a curtain. His eyes were alight with something that made Remus want to- to-

“You liar. Come on.” Sirius said again as Remus tried to free himself, struggling against him.

Remus was probably stronger but some part of him (the part concerning his dick, probably) didn’t even make an effort to get out from under Sirius. It was sort of a dream position.

“Suit yourself,” Sirius said and without warning, he’d put his fingers to Remus’ sides and tickled him.

Remus absolutely squealed and tried to get away, but Sirius moved on top of him, legs holding Remus in place on both sides and-

Oh, god. Remus was about to be in a very bad and awkward situation.

“Fine, fine, FINE! You win, nothing happened with James!” Remus gave up, anything to get out of that situation.

Sirius stopped tickling him and was breathing just as fast as Remus was, eyes shining. “I knew it.” he said, laughing.

“If there’s anyone you’d snog from our group it should be me. I’m the most handsome.” Sirius continued.

Remus stared up at him, frozen to the spot. Sirius was still smiling and for a second, Remus wasn’t sure what to say to that. Sirius was still pinning him down and suddenly, his eyes were not just shining - they were a deeper grey and more dangerous than before.

There was a crash from the kitchen and Remus startled along with Sirius.

He pulled himself together and used Sirius’ distraction to buck him off and right over the bedframe. Sirius yelped and landed with a thud. “Yeah, right. I’d definitely snog Regulus before you.”

He hoped that any bodily reactions he’d had from the close encounter with Sirius were not visible as he stood up to go to the door.

“You- Not my brother, you-” Sirius spluttered, rushing after him, pulling on a shirt.

“What about your brother?” Regulus asked, eyeing them suspiciously from where he was leaning on the kitchen counter.

James was right next to him, looking weirdly nervous.

“Oh, Sirius has a hard time believing I’d choose you over him.” Remus said, offhandedly.

“Wait a minute,” Dorcas help up her finger from where she was curled up on the sofa. “If there is anyone you should choose over Sirius it’s me!”

“No, Remus likes a bit of mystery. Some soul. It’s obviously me.” Lily chipped in.

“What’s that supposed to mean, more soul?” Dorcas said, clearly wounded.

Mary snorted. “Guys, come on. You’re forgetting I snogged Remus in the 4th year. It’s gotta be me.”

Remus smirked as Mary winked at him. He also found it quite amusing as Sirius stared at them all like they’d personally insulted them.

“I’m much more handsome than my brother, it’s true,” Regulus now said, thoughtful. “So I could understand your process of thought, Remus. I appreciate it.” he nodded to Remus who nodded back.

“Hold the fuck up.” Sirius intervened, but he didn’t get very far.

“You snogging Remus doesn’t even mean anything.” James said to Mary from the kitchen. “We’ve all done that at some point.”

“WHAT?” Sirius practically yelled, when Lily and Mary fell onto the sofa next to Dorcas, laughing.

“Why are you yelling?” Peter wanted to know, coming into the chaos from his and James' room, fully dressed.

“Sirius is having a breakdown because Remus won’t snog him.” Lily said quickly, which earned a glare from Remus.

Too close, red.

But Peter nodded. “Understandable, I mean, look at him.”

“I’m not upset that- what’s THAT supposed to mean!?” Sirius changed tactics and turned on Peter, eyes flaring up.

“See, I wasn’t lying.” Remus said now, trying to diffuse the bomb about to go off because Sirius’ ego was bruised.

Sirius rounded on him. “You-”

“About what?” James wanted to know.

“You and me, 5th year.” Remus said, casually.

“Oh, yeah.” James said, as if just now remembering. "Good times."

Regulus looked like he’d seen a ghost. “Pardon?” he asked and stared at James.

James looked like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Well it was just- Moony was just helping me figure shit out-”

“Is that what we call it these days? Figuring shit out?” Marlene asked, innocently. “In that case, thanks for helping me out, Remus. Really, my shit is so figured out.”

Dorcas was almost red in the face now, trying not to suffocate from laughing and Lily was sliding down the sofa in silent fits of giggles. James looked anywhere but Regulus who was staring daggers at him. Peter was making coffee while Mary was looking for eggs in the fridge, completely ignoring the rest.

“Have- have all of you bloody snogged Moony!?” Sirius now asked, loud and over the laughter.

Remus felt himself go red a bit.

Lily raised a hand, “I haven’t.” she gave Remus an apologetic smile, “Not my type, sorry love.”

“Ahem,” Regulus said, raising a hand, too. He was pointedly looking at James as he did this, as if not snogging Remus was some sort of a feat.

“Great, just wonderful, Remus has snogged with half the bloody Gryffindor tower.” Sirius said, suddenly grumpy and folding his arms.

“It’s not half-” Remus protested.

“I mean, he’s a fabulous kisser. I’m sure it’s not just Gryffindor tower, love.” Mary said from the fridge from where she’d procured the eggs, finally adding to the conversation (Remus really wished she hadn't). Peter was patiently waiting for Mary to give him instructions on what to do with them.

“Yeah, wasn’t there uh, that blonde Ravenclaw? And that guy from Slytherin-” Marlene said, trying to recall.

Remus went to the portable radio quickly. “I think we should all just eat. I’m starving.” he said, putting a tape in.

Sirius was glowering and Remus wasn’t entirely sure why. If this was because of the James thing, he needed to diffuse the tension. If this was about what Lily said… highly unlikely and he quickly dismissed it.

Sirius Black didn’t want Remus to kiss him, right?

Remus came over and nudged Sirius with his hip. “Come on, don’t be gloomy.” he said to him.

Sirius snorted. “Easy for you to say. Half the people in the room wanna kiss you.”

The song drifted through the radio and the room filled with Jim Croce.

Now Leroy more than trouble
You see he stand 'bout six foot four
All those downtown ladies call him "Treetop Lover"
All the men just call him "Sir"

“Well, he is tall as hell.” Lily said now, catching the words.

“And more than trouble.” James winked from the armchair, now a safe distance from Regulus who was still brooding next to the stove as Mary cooked the eggs.

“Shut the fuck up.” Remus said to him.

“Yes, Sir!” James replied, saluting Remus.

Remus groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead.

From between his fingers he could see Sirius stare at him with a weird look on his face - like he couldn’t quite figure him out.

//

The sun was high in the sky by the time they took their backpacks (Sirius, James and Regulus took this task upon themselves) full of food for lunch and tea, and set out towards a small road leading into the woods.

The girls had opted for various shortened versions of clothes they usually wear - Lily was wearing a pretty yellow sundress, while Dorcas had on ripped jeans and a crop top. Mary was wearing something more sporty - short and tight sports shorts and a T-shirt. Marlene was wearing high-waisted jean-shorts with a crop top and plaid over that.

Remus hadn't obviously shown any more skin than he usually did ("How are you always cold? You're such a weirdo" Dorcas had said, jokingly and giving him a cheerful smile). He was wearing a white, long-sleeved and very loose blouse. He had the top buttons undone - the small scars still visible were explainable by one accident or another, should anyone ask.

His light-brown pants were the only pair he figured wouldn't make him sweat his balls off after hiking through the woods aimlessly - he loved James but his sense of direction wasn't the best. He wanted to roll his sleeves up but decided against it - there were too many scars there and he wasn't-

He didn't want to have that talk or see the horrified looks.

Sirius was walking in front of him, next to James who was waving his hands animatedly, loudly discussing which was the best way to go.

Remus had a free pass to stare at Sirius from behind, which he gladly took. Sirius was wearing denim shorts. He couldn't have imagined it, but now, seeing him in them, obviously they suited him - Sirius was able to pull off any article of clothing.

To Remus' luck, he hadn't started experimenting with things like crop tops, however much Marlene begged him to. Remus would've probably jumped off a cliff if that ever happened.

He was still staring at Sirius' exposed legs, the slight hair on them, the way his muscles moved when he walked, when Sirius turned around suddenly, walking backwards.

"Can someone please tell James that we're not going North but West?" he asked, exasperated.

"I would but I don't think he knows what North is." Regulus said from behind. He'd fallen into step next to Lily. He was wearing long black pants and a black T shirt, because of course he was.

"Black, I haven't given up the thought of setting your tent on fire in the night. I don't care that Sirius will go down with you." James said from up front, not taking his eyes off the map.

"If you could light a fire I'd be real scared." Regulus retorted.

They all laughed and Sirius patted a very grumpy James on the shoulder. "Walked right into that one I'm afraid, mate."

Sirius slowed his walk a bit so he left Peter, James and Marlene to bicker over the map and fell into step with Remus.

He had the sleeves of his shirt rolled up, the arms and the light skin exposed to the sunlight. Remus tried not to stare at his wrists.

"So, who else you been snogging that I don't know of?" Sirius said, out of the blue.

Remus sighed, head going back as he exhaled. "This again? I haven't been snogging anyone!"

"Well, not lately maybe, I meant in general. I thought we were best friends." Sirius mumbled.

Remus rolled his eyes, trying not to punch him. Yeah, best friends. Terrific. "It's not like you tell me about all the girls you've snogged."

Sirius seemed indignant. "Yes, I do!"

"Well, it's not like I've dated all these people-"

"That's even worse!"

Remus stopped. "Are you saying what I think you are?" he said it in a calm and slightly threatening voice.

Sirius stopped too and Remus could see the way it clicked and Sirius panicked. "No! I mean, it's fine if you just wanna go around snogging people and not be committed-"

"Because you certainly don't do that." Remus snorted, walking again.

Sirius caught up. "Right, well. Having fun isn't a criminal offence. I'm just surprised that- I mean, you've kissed most of our friends!"

"Is this about James again? I swear I'm not trying to steal him or anything," Remus said, half-tired and half-amused. He didn't add the 'Wouldn't want to compete with your baby brother, after all' part, just in case.

Sirius seemed really bothered by these recent revelations as it was.

"It's not about that! I didn't think-I mean, you'd think that if you'd kiss anyone of us it would be me!" Sirius blurted.

Remus gave him a funny look. Was Sirius saying-

"I mean, we've known each other forever and I- I've been there, all the time and- Well remember, I was the one who taught you how to smoke and how to style your hair so that you wouldn't scare off the ladies, or guys, with your hobo look- and obviously I’m the hottest one out of ALL of us-"

Remus stopped him with a laugh and a hand on his chest, halting them both." So you're upset 'cause I haven't snogged you? "

Sirius fucking Black had the decency to BLUSH in front of Remus, but he defiantly set his jaw. “I just think that it’s absolutely bogus that you haven’t, considering anyone would be lucky to do it.”

“Oh, how modest of you.” Remus said dryly. What he didn’t say was that if that’s what Sirius wanted, he could’ve just grabbed him and kissed him fucking senseless right then and there, so fiercely that Sirius wouldn’t even remember his own name.

How the fuck had they even gotten to this part in their conversation?

Sirius waved his hands around. “I mean, is it something that I did? ‘Cause I can’t think of a single thing-”

Remus suddenly realised that Sirius was actually, truly worried that something was wrong between them - all because Remus hadn’t kissed him. Which was ridiculous because that was all Remus wanted to do.

So he just out and said it.

“Sirius,” he started, calm and Sirius shut up immediately, staring at him in earnest and slightly out of breath, “Those kisses didn’t mean anything. They were just- just that. Just kisses.”

Sirius frowned but before he could say a thing, Remus moved his hand and touched the back of Sirius’ hand. He traced his fingers and hooked their pinkies together. Sirius looked down in honest to god shock.

Before Remus could change his mind, he said, “I haven’t kissed you because that would mean something. It would mean something to me.”

Remus watched the wheels turn in Sirius’ head with humour, seeing the moment he understood. His eyes lit up and it was the most beautiful thing.

He stared at Remus, their pinkies still intertwined and Remus let his heart ache because well, maybe it’ll all be fine. Just as long as this stupid boy kissed him and took the pain away.

“What are you two canoodling about?” Mary jumped Remus from behind, her slender hands going over his chest and locking him in.

Remus broke out of their little world with Sirius and huffed, when her weight pushed him down. He adjusted her on his back. “Warn a guy, will ya?” he said, trying to catch Sirius’ eye again.

He was still sort of standing there, dazed.

“That would defeat the purpose of a surprise piggy-back ride you were about to give me.” she said cheerfully. He laughed.

“Cmon, Macdonald, you’re not 13 anymore. Get off.” Sirius finally spoke, walking next to them as Remus made slow progress.

It was true that Mary wasn’t as easy to carry around because they’d all grown (and some of them awfully tall), but she was quite light. Only Remus’ hip protested a bit but everything else was fine.

“You calling me fat, Black?” Mary inquired, still cheerful.

“‘M fine, Sirius. She’s light as a feather.” Remus said and Mary squealed in delight.

Unfortunately, Sirius knew Remus through and through.

“If your hip is what kills you I’m not throwing you a funeral.” he mumbled, pushing past them and hurrying after James, who was apparently about to disappear in a thicket.

His tone indicated that he’d been unhappy about the interruption but at the same time, he just couldn’t seem to get away fast enough. Remus truly was in awe of the spectrum of feelings Sirius Black was able to make him feel - one minute he couldn’t contain himself and had to refrain from kissing him and the next he couldn’t wait to just punch his stupid face.

And then kiss him.

Remus groaned and Mary must’ve taken this as a hint to get off his back. “Is something hurting? What did he mean by hip?” she asked in an instant, when Sirius had disappeared.

“Who’s hurting what now?” Dorcas asked, joining them. She instantly took to establishing any injuries that might have befallen on any of them.

“I’m fine,” Remus said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“Remus, come on.” Mary said now, hands on her hips.

“Well, if you wouldn’t jump unsuspecting people,” Dorcas started and Mary pushed her, making Dorcas giggle.

“It’s not funny! Remus, I'm sorry!” she said, now worried and looking towards him.

Remus could’ve killed Sirius Black for this. “Mary,” he said, sternly and to the point, “It’s literally nothing. Sirius is just being a little bitch.”

“So not boyfriend and boyfriend yet? I was deliberately holding these knuckleheads back so you two could kiss it out.” Dorcas nodded towards Mary, who now seemed apprehensive and whose eyes were looking for any signs of distress by Remus, and Lily, who was (to Remus’ utter surprise) walking along with Regulus, elbows linked.

“We didn’t- what??” Remus spluttered indignantly.

“Leave him be, Dorcas. You’re such a nosy bitch.” Lily said, smiling sweetly at her.

Dorcas stuck her tongue out at Lily but gave an evil smirk. “That’s me, the gossip girl of the group. Definitely not Mary who holds that title. It’s also definitely not her who told me that you, Reg and James are-”

She didn’t get any further because Regulus started to stammer something which was drowned by James Potter’s bellowing.

“WE FOUND IT!”

Remus decided not to question Lily’s secretive smile or Regulus’ red face, because Mary was still looking at him like he might drop dead any minute and Dorcas might’ve gone in for the kill if he’d stood there longer. So he quickly followed James’ voice to a clearing.

He was standing in the middle of it, looking victorious, glasses sliding onto his nose because of sweat.

Peter was lounging on a nearby fallen tree trunk and Marlene was nowhere to be seen. Sirius was leaning onto an oak. He seemed so casual, and so natural as if he’d been painted there. He was smoking a cigarette, staring up at the leaves of the tree.

The tree seemed quite old, not too tall but branches winded so that the leaves let through a minimal amount of sunlight. Sirius perched sunglasses unto his nose and stared upwards, the smoke curling between the leaves.

Remus just stared - he felt like he was on borrowed time for that, constantly.

“Don’t hurt yourself, darlin’.” Sirius said, when Remus joined them on the clearing.

Remus stared at him in confusion. The hip thing, again??

But before he could say something venomous to that (could he just drop it already?), there was a giggle from up the tree.

Marlene landed gracefully, like a cat, and brushed off her hands.

“It’s raining hot chicks, praise the lord!” Dorcas said, finding her way to them.

Remus’ anger melted away instantly, realising Sirius’ words weren’t addressed to him at all.

“Thank you for your concern, good sir, but I can take care of myself.” Marlene replied and kissed Dorcas on the cheek when she picked her up and swung her around.

“Don’t doubt that,” Sirius's voice was a bit muffled because of the cigarette. Remus came to where he was leaning on the tree and tried not to look like he had just basically told Sirius how he loved him.

This day really wasn’t going well.

“Can I have one? I left mine back at the cabin.” he said and leaned on the tree too. It was surprisingly wide and the bark was a bit dry, indicating that it hadn’t been raining there for a while at least.

Sirius took one out, wordlessly, and slid his glasses on his head. When Remus raised a hand, Sirius didn’t place it between his fingers. Instead, he leaned over to move the cigarette between Remus’ lips.

He slowly opened his mouth so that Sirius could place it there and waited for him to light it for him as well. And all the while, Sirius kept staring straight into his eyes.

Remus could’ve sworn that everything else around them just faded into nothing and it was just them again. The same aching and longing that had always been there.

And then Sirius leaned back, letting the glasses slip back to cover his eyes and his face was once more a wall of stone.

Remus tried not to get too upset about that.

“It’s perfect, right?” James asked, clearly excited about the prospect of camping there. There was a small picnic bench and the remnants of a campfire so obviously this was a popular place for pitching tents.

“I like it.” Lily said, coming up to James and patting him on the back for a ‘job well done’. He beamed.

Dorcas and Marlene were still locked in an embrace when Mary said “Well, it’s a good thing too because I’m sure our main couple can’t wait to pitch those tents.”

Marlene extracted herself from Dorcas’ lips, stricken. “Ah fuck, right. That.”

“Don’t worry, babe. I’ve got it.” Dorcas said, looking very convincing but Marlene eyed her, suspicious.

“Let’s eat, I’m starving.” Peter announced and then went to the picnic table.

The clearing was surrounded by trees from all sides so looking up, they saw clear blue skies and the edges of the green forest, making it look like they were in a dome.

The wind danced through the trees, leaves rustling in the breeze and there were birds singing somewhere. Remus sat down on the bench, rubbing at his hip a bit. He stopped immediately when he felt Mary’s eyes on him.

“There we go,” Lily distributed tea in plastic cups she’d carried with them and James, Sirius and Regulus emptied their bags from sandwiches and pastries they’d packed.

While they ate, Remus tried to catch Sirius’ eye. He was laughing at Regulus, who had a mayonnaise stripe up his chin, and his sunglasses were perched on his head again. His hair were coming loose around the wand that was holding it together.

The beauty of it all didn’t make up for the fact that Remus still didn’t know where they stood.

And, to his horror, Dorcas seemed adamant on pointing this out. She had that wicked gleam in her eyes again, when she said “Alright, so lay it on us Remus. Have you or have you not snogged with any of the Slytherins?”

He choked on a piece of cucumber so Lily had to pat his back, holding in her laughter.

“Wait, why are you asking about the Slytherin’s? What’s it matter if their from Slytherin house?” James wanted to know.

“Yeah, inter-house relations and all that.” Marlene waved a hand, sending a piece of lettuce flying from her sandwich.

“I’m asking that in particular because a little birdie told me-”

“Mary, obviously.” Lily supplied. Mary saluted her.

“-that you’ve been getting cosy in the dungeons.”

Remus felt hot but he tried to play it off. “Dunno what you mean.”

Regulus seemed horrified. “Please tell me I’m not about to learn that you’ve been fooling around with one of my best mates. I might hurl.”

“Have some respect. When did you last snog someone?” Marlene nudged Regulus, who waved her off.

Regulus also went slightly pale. “None of your business.”

“Ooh, so you have snogged someone lately?” Sirius wanted to know, keen eyes on his brother now. “And why am I just now hearing about this?”

“Oh, cause you are the first person I’d tell about it.” Regulus replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“What’s this newfound interest in who’s snogging who? Remus gets around, who cares.” Peter suddenly said, bored, and bit down on his second sandwich.

Remus actually gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you, Peter.”

Sirius didn’t seem satisfied in the least. “And here I thought I had the title of heartthrob in Gryffindor house.”

Remus rolled his eyes but before he could reply, Dorcas said, “You do, but Remus is obviously the slut of the tower.”

They all stared at her and she smiled brightly.

“Respectfully, of course.” she finished.

They all, Remus included, burst into laughter.

“I’ll take it.” he said, when he could finally breathe. “Never been called a slut before, and definitely not in a nice way.”

“You’re welcome, sugar.” Dorcas said happily, pressing her shoulder against Marlene’s who was barely holding it together, still giggling.

“I can’t believe how many things we don’t know about each other.” Sirius said.

Remus looked at him. He didn’t sound pissed but more full of disbelief. When he met Remus’ eye, he felt unbelievably guilty.

“Here’s an idea,” James said, “In honour of getting to know each other better aka knowing each other’s dirtiest secrets, let’s get wasted, play truth or dare and regret it all tomorrow when we come back here to sleep in tents.”

With protests from Remus and Regulus, the motion was accepted and they both had to succumb to peer pressure.

It would, for both of them, turn out to be more of a relief than suffering, but they just didn’t know it yet.

//

“So, howdisgoe?” Dorcas asked, swaying as she sat down on the carpet, holding an empty water bottle. “I mean,” she said, enunciating as Marlene giggled at her, “How does this go?”

They had drunk the beer and then the tequila, which still had some drops left in it. James was already carrying the vodka with them to the circle they were forming.

Remus sat between Mary and Lily, while Marlene sat between her and Dorcas.

That left Sirius next to Dorcas and James and Regulus squeezed between Sirius and Peter.

“We spin that damn thing,” Mary pointed to the tequila bottle in Dorcas’ hand, “And whoever it lands on has to pick truth or dare. The one who spins it gets to ask the question or give the dare.”

Lily clapped her hands. “I wanna go first!”

Remus could feel himself sway a bit so he straightened up. He was good with alcohol, usually, and this was no different - Dorcas, Lily, Peter and Mary all seemed about as drunk as they could get, while the others were still holding their liquor very well. Although, James hadn’t drunk as much as the rest of them, chugging two beers and opting out after one shot of tequila, but Lily was about to rectify that issue.

The bottle landed on James and she asked him the question. James picked dare right off the bat.

“Drink until Remus tells you to stop, Potter.” she said, with a twinkle in her eyes.

“Oh come on!” James said, eyes pleading on Remus’. “He’s gonna make me down the whole thing!”

“I would never,” Remus said, “I want some as well, you vodka-hogger.”

Peter snorted when Lily laughed, waving her hands, “Come on, coward. Go!”

James took a deep breath and raised the bottle to his lips. After three gulps Remus lazily said, “Stop,” and retrieved the bottle from him.

James made a retching sound. “Ugh, no.” he said and laid down on the floor.

“You’ve killed him.” Mary accused Lily and Remus.

Remus just took a swig from the bottle. Lily poked James.

James swatted her hand and Lily giggled. “Nope, no such luck.”

“Alright,” James said, getting up and already slurring his words more than before. “Let’s do this shit.”

The bottle landed on Peter. He chose truth and James had a hard time coming up with something clever, swaying on the spot.

“Okay, okay, wait.” he said, squinting his eyes as if concentrating, “Who would you rather kiss, Dumbledore or McGonagall?”

This earned a laugh from half the group while the other half was horrified. Regulus covered his face with his hands as if he couldn’t bear to be with them for one more second. Dorcas seemed unfazed.

“Minnie is a catch, come on!” she said to Peter.

Peter seemed to mull it over. “I’m not that into beards so, Minnie it is.”

This earned a high five from Sirius, who agreed with Dorcas wholeheartedly.

Peter spun the bottle and it landed on Regulus, who he dared to show them ballroom dancing.

Mary clapped, enthusiastic, and played with the radio’s stations until she found a somewhat slow song. It was ‘Bridge over troubled water’ and Remus almost laughed. He caught Sirius’ eye, who quickly looked away.

After Regulus had categorically refused (for show, Remus guessed), Lily volunteered as his partner and they swayed across the room. Lily was messing the steps up because she was so drunk, but Regulus was so good at it, that with him leading her she wouldn't have even needed to touch the floor with her feet.

I will comfort you
I'll take your part
Oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around

Remus was just as entranced as the rest of them and for a second he thought about Sirius and himself, dancing like that. Swaying together, weightless. Letting Sirius lead him, wherever.

James was also staring at them and for once, Remus didn’t even think twice about the thing that popped into his head then - ‘he loves them’. He just let it be and continued to sway to the music and the pair.

There was deafening applause after they’d finished and when Lily curtsied (with Regulus supporting her) and Regulus bowed, James whistled.

Regulus sat down, looking pleased with himself. Lily’s cheeks were glowing pink.

The bottle landed on Marlene this time ‘round. She opted for truth.

“Let’s settle this once and for all, shall we?” Regulus said, catching Remus’ eye and smirking. An evil glint in his eyes.

Remus’ stomach dropped. But then-

“Who is the best kisser from this group?” he asked Marlene.

She seemed to mull it over, eyes going over the said group. “That would entail that I’ve kissed you all.” she remarks.

“Ah, well, we can always rectify that mistake,” Sirius said, gesturing to them all in a very inclusive manner.

Dorcas snorted. “In your dreams, Black.”

Sirius shrugged and reached for the bottle of vodka.

Marlene stared at Dorcas in the eye. “Sorry, babe, I gotta tell the truth.”

Dorcas nodded. “Completely understand.”

“Remus,” Marlene said, serious as ever.

“Yup.” Dorcas nodded.

“Agreed,” Peter added while James said, “gotta be Moony, yeah.”

“Wait, I’m not a better kisser than Moony??” Sirius asked James, clearly insulted.

James shrugged. “Oops,” he said, laughing. He sobered a bit when Regulus raised a brow at him.

“Well, I haven’t got the evidence to agree but I am inclined to, just based on everyone else’s experience…” Lily started.

“You can always collect some evidence right now.” Peter suggested, leaning over and snickering.

Dorcas whooped drunkenly.

Remus felt his cheeks flare up but Lily just laughed.

But Sirius, eyes going towards the ceiling, just mumbled grumpily, “Yeah sure, because haven’t enough of us kissed Moony yet…” And Remus felt something flare in him, like a match stricken.

“Oh, for fucks sake,” He grabbed the bottle, pointed it towards himself and said to Marlene, “McKinnon, dare me.”

And Marlene, bless her, got the message in an instant. “I dare you to kiss Sirius.” she quickly said.

And before anyone could say a thing about how that’s not how the game works, or before Sirius could even wipe the surprised look off his face, Remus went to his knees and passed Lily, Dorcas and Marlene, grabbed Sirius’ shirt front and reeled him in.

He didn’t even care that they were so out in the open. The little bubble went up again, and it was just them two.

His lips on Sirius’ were slick and hot because they had both been drinking but Remus felt sober immediately, when Sirius’ mouth opened under him. He could faintly hear someone whoop next to them.

Sirius tasted-

Remus groaned. He could taste the vodka and the cigarettes, he could smell the shampoo that Sirius washed his hair with and for some reason, he could also smell the night air. Like they were running around the forest on a full moon.

He knew he had to pull back but Sirius’ hand had grabbed his hand, the one that had made its way to Sirius’ neck to hold him in place, and Sirius was clinging to it so fiercely that he wasn’t sure he could stop.

“Alright, so I think Sirius agrees.” James cleared his throat and spoke.

Remus let go of their bubble, letting it burst, but when he came up for air, Sirius was staring at him like he’d seen stars. That’s certainly how Remus felt.

“Oh yeah,” Sirius said, his voice a bit hoarse and his eyes were locked on Remus’ who was still kneeling in front of him, dazed from his own actions. “Evans is missing out.”

Lily laughed. “Well, damn it.” she said, falling into Marlene.

Remus felt shy all of a sudden and ducked his head, going back to his own spot.

The song had changed long ago and Remus flared up even more when the group was silent for a moment, allowing the chords to reach them.

Well, my temperature's rising, and my feet on the floor
Crazy people knocking 'cause they're wanting some more
Let me in, baby, I don't know what you got
But you better take it easy, this place is hot

And I'm so glad we made it
So glad we made it
Why won't you gimme some lovin'
Gimme some lovin'
Gimme some lovin' every day

“Well,” Dorcas said, “If you’ve quite finished frying Sirius’ brain, can we get a move on? Marlene, your go, ‘cause Lupin here cheated.”

Remus ignored her words as Marlene spun the bottle. He could feel Lily beaming at him and James was looking at Sirius with a ‘told ya’ smile, whatever that was supposed to mean. Regulus seemed bored as ever, but Mary was staring at Remus, too. Just like Lily.

He ignored them all. Sirius was still staring at him, completely dazed.

“Alright, I’m gonna give you a choice because I’m so nice.” Dorcas said to Regulus, who’d chosen dare. Rookie mistake, considering it was Dorcas who was gonna think of it.

Remus finally dragged his eyes from Sirius, feeling something giddy wiggling inside of him, like he couldn’t stay still if he didn’t get up and run a few laps around the lake first. It was maddening. He was still thinking of Sirius’ lips - his hand closed around Remus’ wrist like he didn’t want him to let go-

“You want me to- WHAT?” Regulus’ panicked voice struck him out of his stupor.

Dorcas had a sly smile on her face. “Choose - kiss James or slap Lily.”

“I can’t- I can’t slap Lily!” Regulus spluttered indignantly.

“Now, hold on.” the redhead said sweetly, while James seemed to have trouble deciding if he was supposed to look horrified or pleased. “Is it because I’m a girl?”

“That’s not what I-”

“You’re not kissing my brother, Prongs.” Sirius suddenly said, apparently Regulus’ predicament had shaken him out of his daze as well.

“I’m not kissing anyone, he has to!” James defended himself.

“Unless he slaps Lily.” Peter added, helpfully.

“It’s obvious, Reg isn’t gonna slap Lily.” Mary said now, completely horrified at the very idea.

Lily seemed pleased but continued, “I mean, I can take it. No biggie.”

“Never say ‘no biggie’ again, Evans.” Remus shook his head. It earned him a laugh throughout the group.

“Well?” Dorcas asked, eyebrow raised.

Regulus gaped.

“Are you seriously thinking of slapping her!?” James asked, so shocked that Regulus groaned.

“Well I bloody well don’t want to kiss you, don’t I?” he replied, heat behind his words.

Remus was pretty sure he meant the opposite of that.

“That’s what I’m saying, so just slap Evans, she’s tougher than she looks.” Sirius now butted in, crossing his arms.

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Lily asked, offended. “What the hell do I look like, then?”

“You know I love you, red.” Sirius said, in a fit of softness. Lily immediately melted - she never could hold a grudge for long, unless it was James.

They all started shouting different things. “Just kiss him, come on!” came from Mary, Peter and Dorcas. “Lily’s just gonna slap you right back, so who cares,” shouted Sirius and Marlene nodded along to this. Remus just watched the chaos unfold.

Regulus seemed ready to explode. Remus suddenly felt bad for him.

Remus might’ve gotten over his greatest fear but Regulus was different - and his brother was right there.

Luckily, James had a heart of gold. “Guys, let’s just leave it-”

But Regulus had already stood up, raised his hands in defeat, and stormed off into his and Sirius’ room.

“That went well,” Mary commented dryly, staring at Dorcas disapprovingly.

“What? He could've just snogged Potter and be done with it.” she replied off-handedly.

“Just because you and Remus are so easy to hand out kisses-”

“Don’t drag me into this, MacDonald,” Remus said, raising his hands in surrender.

Dorcas gave Mary her most sly smile and said, “Is that jealousy I hear?”

While Mary, Marlene, Dorcas and Sirius started to argue about whether or not James should’ve just kissed James (Sirius was very vocal about how James shouldn't have), Peter sat idly by, rolling his eyes at them. Remus tuned them out for a second, noticing Lily leaning into James a bit.

“You go,” Lily was mumbling so low, that Remus only barely heard it over the bickering of the rest of them. “It’s you he needs.”

Remus pretended not to hear when James stood up and went towards the bedroom door that had slammed closed a few minutes ago, with Lily staring after him with a soft smile on her face.

She glanced at Remus who felt caught, but didn’t look away. Lily smiled, nodding towards the front door, just as James was granted entry into Sirius’ and Regulus’ bedroom.
“I’m gonna go for a fag.” He announced, raising his volume just a bit.

“I’ll come with you, I could use some fresh air. I’ve drunk way too much,” Lily said, wrinkling her nose and Remus could tell she wasn’t even lying.

“Wait,” Sirius suddenly turned his attention towards them, “I’ll come, too.”

Remus, who was already up, set a hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright, Pads.” he said, meaningfully. Sirius stared up at him from where he was sitting, the others still arguing about something in the background.

It seemed Dorcas had tricked Marlene into doing a body shot from her, while Mary laughed at their antics. Peter seemed vaguely amused.

Sirius’ eyes on Remus were confused but Remus nodded slightly towards Lily, who was already opening the front door with a blanket around her. If Sirius was still confused, he didn’t show it - he nodded as well but before Remus could go, his hand shot up to cover Remus’.

Remus held his hand in place on Sirius’ shoulder, gaze quickly falling to Sirius’ lips again. It didn’t go unnoticed and Sirius tilted his head up further, his pale neck exposed and Remus stared, swallowing. He could see Sirius swallow in time with him.

Dorcas’ squealing broke them out of the reverie, and Sirius broke the eye contact, cheeks flushed. Remus forced down the smirk trying to form and quickly followed Lily outside.

He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening but it was something solemn. Something just between him and Lily. They had always been close but there were things Remus was able to tell Lily without guilt and shame. He hoped he could do the same for her.

She was sitting on one of the chairs they’d sat on this morning and was gazing at the starry sky. Remus took the other chair, lighting a cigarette.

She gave him a reproachful look but didn’t comment.

After a few drags and comfortable silence, Lily said, “I think Regulus is a lot like you.”

Remus raised a brow. “How come?” he couldn’t imagine any similarities between him and Sirius’ baby brother. If not for the dry sarcasm, of course.

Lily hummed and seemed thoughtful. Her hair was darker with the dim lighting, her features more blurred. “He gets overwhelmed, a lot. With people. It’s hard for him to say what he means. You do the same thing - you get closed off when you feel you’re being pushed too much and you quickly resort to anger when you feel cornered.”

Remus snorts. “And that’s not what normal people do?”

Lily laughed lightly. “No I mean, it’s just a bit more complicated than James, for example. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He loves and he loves. Endlessly, like the sun always shines.”

“Even the sun dies eventually.” Remus said, suddenly.

Lily scrunched up her face. “Well, that was morbid.”

Remus adjusted himself so he could draw up his knees, looking at her. “I meant, James isn’t a constant shine. He needs people around him to stoke that fire. He lives off caring for others and it shows, all the time. He’s the best person I know.” he gave Lily an apologetic smile.

“Don’t worry, I’m not offended. I agree.” she laughed again. Her laughter was soft and kind.

Another few minutes of silence. Remus lit another cigarette.

“Do you-” Remus started, unsure on how to continue. “You and James?”

Lily hummed. She had closed her eyes at one point but now opened them again. The lit end of Remus’ cigarette reflected from her green eyes and it made her look fiercer, somehow. “James and I and Regulus.”

Another pause.

She sighed, finally looking at Remus. “James and I - we fit. To him, I’m familiar. Like a home. And it’s good. It’s like reading a book you know has a happy ending. It’s like warmth and compromise and giving and receiving. It’s convenient and comfortable.” Lily was saying this all in an unwavering tone, smooth like silk. “And it’s not a bad thing. Some people feel that if it’s too… mundane, the same, then it’s boring. But it’s never that. It’s home. That’s what I am to James.”

Remus nodded, not daring to speak. He felt that this was something Lily had been wanting to share with him for some time now. He thought about Sirius. How he felt like home to him.

“Regulus,” Lily now said and her voice changed - it was even softer, more careful and there was a remnant of a sad smile on her face, “He’s unpredictable. He’s fire and ice in one. He’s reckless and delicate, he can easily break but he can easily twist the knife where it hurts the most. To James, he’s…” she breathed out, still the same smile on her face, “he’s an all-consuming love. The kind that doesn’t let you breathe and it hurts so bad but it’s also so, so good.”

And Remus closed his eyes again, thinking. His heart ached when he thought about Sirius. When he thought about his lips and his sharp wit. His delicate wrists and strong will. And it did hurt, loving him. So much love, that it couldn’t escape and it hurt. It was good.

“I think I understand,” Remus said, opening his eyes. His cigarette had gone out on its own.

Lily nodded. “I thought you might. Older Black brother and all.” she said, amused.

Remus barked a laugh. He turned to Lily, more fully, flicking away the cigarette and extending his hands. She took them. “I don’t know Regulus all that well, but I know you and I know James. And I might not understand fully but - by the way you talk, this isn’t something that is all that complicated.” he said.

Lily raised a brow. Remus continued, “James loves so much. And I could tell he loves you both. At least - he’s in love. And I have no clue what’s been going on but it isn’t hard to say that he’s conflicted and unsure of himself. Knowing Prongs, he’s probably racking his brain about how on earth he managed to fall for two people at once when in reality, James is literally the only person I know who could store that much love.”

This made Lily laugh. It lit up her face, even in the dark Remus could tell. The sound scared some birds into flight from a nearby tree. “God, you poet. Aren’t you intelligent, Remus Lupin?”

He pushed her playfully but she came right back, taking his hands again. “Sirius is an idiot, honestly. I have to tell you that. So if he fucks it up,” Remus gasped dramatically at Lily cursing but she ignored him with an eyeroll, “I will personally burn him to the ground. You’re too good, Remus.”

He felt a lump in his throat at that. “Christ, Evans.” he said, feeling emotional, suddenly. She laughed, hugging him. It was gentle, one hand around his shoulders and the other holding the back of his head. Remus imagined that a mother might hug their children like that.

When they parted, Lily bit her lip in anticipation. “I think, for the time being, it’s best they sort things out before I come back into the picture.”

Remus tilted his head a bit. She waved her hand. “I don’t mind. I’ve never minded, really. I just want them to be happy. I’m just not sure what to do right now. And I hate that feeling.”

He got up, groaning a bit from being in a weird position for so long, and reached a hand out to her. “Well, I sure as fuck don’t know what I’m gonna do with Sirius so… we’re in the same boat. Let’s be ‘not sure’ together?”

Lily’s smile was a delight when she took his hand. “Ever the gentleman, Remus Lupin. That’s how you got everyone to snog you, isn’t it?”

He groaned, this time from embarrassment and annoyance and shoved her a bit, making Lily laugh in delight. She was something else - Remus would always cherish the memory of meeting her for the first time, of becoming her friend (through no intention of his own, Lily was just so very persistent). And he would always want what was best for her.

When they entered the room, Sirius was loudly singing to the radio while Marlene and Dorcas slow-danced to some David Bowie. Peter was playing chess with Mary and whenever one of them would lose a piece, they’d have to take a shot.

Remus saw James sitting on the sofa, eyes filled with mirth as he observed one of his best friends and practically step-brother embarrass himself by playing air-guitar. Sirius had also brought a real guitar (the Potters had gifted it to him last year and he was getting quite good, actually. Remus had been playing for years so he could tell.) but had seemed to have forgotten about it.

His eyes followed the room until he found Regulus, sitting on the floor next to the fireplace and rolling his eyes at his older brother. They locked eyes for a moment and Regulus raised a brow, gaze going from Remus to Lily.

Lily gave Remus another smile and went to sit by Regulus, James’ eyes finally moving from Sirius to the two sitting on the carpet. He seemed… puzzled and his smile was a bit strained.

“Moony!” Sirius yelled drunkenly, and before Remus could protest, Sirius had latched onto him and dragged him next to Dorcas and Marlene, spinning him.

“Stop fucking around, Sirius, you know I don’t dance!” Remus said, but he couldn’t hide the laughter in his voice.

But Sirius’ hand in his was warm and slightly clammy, his hair sticking to his face (at least the ones escaped from the bun) and his face split almost in half by the smile he was wearing. So Remus indulged him only for one more spin before he had to hold his hand to Sirius’ chest, making sure he didn’t fall flat on his face when he lost his balance.

“Why is the room spinning?” Sirius asked and Remus snorted.

“Yeah, what gives?” Dorcas asked, wearing a similarly distressed expression as Sirius. Marlene stopped the dancing and held her close, pressing a kiss on her forehead, making Dorcas giggle.

Sirius was eyeing Remus, almost as if waiting for Remus to do the same. Instead, Remus guided Sirius to the armchair, pressing him down to sit but before he could do anything else, Sirius hand pulled him down. They were squished together rather uncomfortably (they weren’t exactly 12 anymore, neither were they anything else but tall) but when Remus braced himself by grabbing Sirius’ shoulders and Sirius’ face went to the crook of his neck, he mumbled, “You smell so nice.”

Remus felt his face go crimson but he shoved Sirius playfully. “Shut up, wanker. We don’t fit in this thing together.”

When he made to move off, Sirius' hands wrapped around him firmly. “Moony, no.” he mumbled, eyes closed and stared up at him drunkenly. “Stay.”

Remus gnawed on his lower lip, from the corner of his eye he could feel James watching them with amusement, but damn it if he wasn’t going to take this opportunity. He nestled further into the chair and folded his legs over the arm of the chair, leaving them dangling, and letting Sirius’ hands stay around him.

It looked exactly like they were a couple. And even though Sirius and James had sat on top of each other countless times, Remus couldn’t help but feel exposed in front of his friends. He soothed his anxious feelings by watching Sirius face.

The grey eyes were on him, calculating, even in his drunken state. He could almost hear the gears turn in Sirius’ head.

“Oh, god, don’t.” Lily was saying to Mary, who had just taken a shot on account of losing her bishop. “I think I’ll throw up.”

Regulus was still sitting next to her, knees drawn up, and Lily rested her head on his shoulder. Sirius seemed to not notice this development. Mary scrunched up her face. “Lightweight,” she tossed to Lily after she’d suffered through a few tremors caused by vodka.

“Keep at it and we’ll need to put a bowl next to your bed.” Marlene said, snatching the bottle from her and taking a swig.

Peter was folding the chessboard, looking rather pleased, when Sirius suddenly exclaimed, “We should start a band!”

The chess-pieces along with the board flew into the air when Peter threw up his hands and shouted, “We should TOTALLY start a band!”

Remus snorted, but James’ eyes were alight now, too. “Fuck yeah!”

“Like you would have any value in a band.” Dorcas snorted towards James who flipped her off.

“I’ll have you know, I have loads of musical talent.”

“Crows sing better than you, Potter.” Marlene said now, smirking. James tossed her with a pillow.

“They’re right Prongs, you’ve got no musical skills, I’m afraid.” Sirius said from his spot beneath Remus. He seemed rather content and excited of this new band prospect.

“He could always be a groupie.” Regulus offered stoically from his place on the carpet.

After a beat of silence, they all burst into laughter. James was staring at Regulus, insulted. “Well, thank you for including me. Really appreciate it.” he said sarcastically.

Regulus Black actually smiled. “You’re welcome.”

“No, but wait, who’s the lead?” Peter sobered, after brushing some tears away from laughing so hard.

“Me, obviously, I gave you the idea.” Sirius said, arrogantly, eyebrow raised in challenge. The Sirius Black way. The way that got Remus squirming on his lap so he had to look away.

“To be fair, he has a good voice.” Dorcas allowed. “I could play drums. I feel like I’d be wicked on drums.”

“Damn right, baby.” Marlene said, kissing her right on the mouth.

This earned a disgruntled noise from half the group with Mary saying, “No PDA!”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Well, who’s gonna play the guitar, then?”

Peter pointed at Sirius and Remus. “Remus can play.”

“Sirius can also play.” Remus protested.

“Aww, thank you, Moony, but we all know I’m shit.” Sirius laughed. His fingers had somehow found the hem of Remus’ shirt and touched the bare skin under it. Remus could feel his breath being stolen from his smoke-soaked lungs.

“You’ve gotten better,” Remus said, alarmingly softly, despite Sirius fingertips against his warm skin. He swallowed, when Sirius gave him a smirk.

“Are you trying to make a move on me?” he asked, raising both this eyebrows this time.

“What??” Remus spluttered.

“He’s got a point, everyone knows he’s pretty shit so…Only one reason you'd compliment his playing.” James smirked. Lily smacked him upside the head.

“Don’t be rude, Potter.” she said sternly.

James rubbed his head, clearly put out but he glared at Regulus who had given a small snort at Lily’s gesture.

“I could play bass? I’m sure it’s easy.” Peter added. This earned a nod from the rest of them. They could see that happening.

“So, backup vocals?” Mary gestured to herself, Marlene, Lily and Regulus.

“Now, hold on. I’m perfectly capable of playing the triangle.” Lily said.

This made them all laugh again until they were clutching their stomachs, Lily watching them all in amusement.

“Why the hell do I have to be the only groupie!?” James asked, when he recovered.

“You’re the prettiest,” Dorcas supplied quickly.

James’ face cleared. “Oh, alright then.”

Sirius made a protesting noise. “I’m the prettiest!”

“Um, hello?” Marlene asked, pointing to herself.

Before they could start arguing about who was the prettiest, Remus said loudly, “We still need a name!”

They went quiet for a second. “Marauders?” Sirius suggested.

The girls booed. “You four,” Dorcas pointed to the culprits, “Might be the marauders but not everything has to be about you.” Regulus seemed indifferent to this argument altogether, not getting caught up in the argument by saying that he was also a non-marauder.

“I beg to differ,” Sirius replied smoothly.

Dorcas gave him the finger while Lily asked, “What do we all have in common then?”

They stared around the room. “Well,” James said, thoughtful, “We are a rather good-looking bunch.”

“So what, Pretty Faces?” Mary laughed and James snorted, too.

“How about… Wasted Youth?” Peter asked, smirking.

“Well, that’s depressing, even if it is true.” Marlene replied.

“I vote for that,” Regulus interrupted.

“No, no, come on, we can do better. Um…” James was scrunching up his face in concentration.

“Rapscallions?” Lily offered.

“Too close to marauders,” Dorcas shook her head.

“Oh, come on!” Sirius said, loudly, but Dorcas stuck her tongue out at him.

"I've got it," James suddenly said. He looked at Peter, Sirius and finally, Remus. He was smiling. "Moon killers."

There was a beat of silence, when Remus tried to hide his smile as he caught Sirius' eye. How fitting, indeed, when Sirius had once said that they should steal the moon to Remus wouldn't have to transform anymore and Peter and James wholeheartedly agreed.

Lily seemed to share in on the joke, as she smirked and added "I vote for that."

Marlene and Dorcas were nodding. "Sounds badass, to be honest." Dorcas said. Remus was in awe - they couldn't have know the implications, yet they agreed that this would be the most fitting name for their made-up band.

When no one else protested, Regulus nodded. “I am the manager of this band and I say that one goes.”

“Since when are you the manager?” Sirius wanted to know.

“Self-appointed, literally a second ago.”

“Oh, so Reggie can be the manager and I’m the groupie? Thanks a lot, mates.” James said, sulking again.

“Come on, sunshine, you do know who the groupie sleeps first with, right?” Dorcas said, rather suggestively. James went scarlet while Regulus stared daggers at her.

“I will kill you in your sleep.” he said calmly to Dorcas.

Remus perked up, quickly diffusing the tension. “No one is killing anyone.” he glanced at Sirius, whose eyes were starting to fall closed. “In fact, I think we should all get some sleep if we want to survive James’ planned trek to the camping site with all of our gear.”

There was a grumble amongst everyone while James said, “It’s gonna be fun!”

He was hit by another pillow, this time by Lily.

With the commotion of everyone gathering themselves up and moving to their beds (except Peter, who’d fallen asleep on the couch with a mildly concerned James looking at him, pondering whether he should wake him), Remus nudged Sirius gently. “Hey, you up or do I need to carry you to bed?” he asked, suddenly emboldened.

Sirius cracked open one eye. “You just gave me incentive to at least pretend to be asleep.”

Remus laughed. “Get up, wanker.”

“Hgnhhh,” Sirius groaned, nuzzling further into Remus’ chest. “Don’t wanna. You reckon you could actually carry me?”

Remus looked around, making sure the others were out of earshot. “Werewolf strength, come on.”

“Mmm, hot.” Sirius said, sounding delirious already.

Remus ignored the way his cheeks flared up and stood, pulling Sirius up. “Come on, Padfoot.”

Sirius got up reluctantly. He hovered for a moment, while the girls were climbing the stairs, Regulus already in their room while James was looking for an extra blanket for Peter who was allowed to stay asleep on the couch.

Sirius’ hand was in Remus’ and he was unsure when they’d even started holding them. But Sirius' pinky slid along his own, carefully caressing the skin there. “Moony,” he breathed, slightly swaying on the spot. He seemed to want to say more but no sound came out.

Remus waited with bated breath.

“I don’t- Can you-” Sirius seemed unable to form a full sentence and Remus decided he’d just assume.

If he was right, then fantastic, just marvellous. If not, he’d fall through the floor in his embarrassment. Emboldened by Sirius’ stare which, even if alcohol induced, was hot on Remus, burning him from head to toe. He even licked his lips when his gaze stopped at Remus’ mouth.

“Do you want me to come over, tonight?” he asked, maybe a bit too gently. Sirius eyes widened and Remus felt the need to backtrack, “To talk, I mean.”

Sirius seemed hesitant. He glanced at the room he shared with Regulus. “Well, he’s a light sleeper so…”

Remus nodded. “It’s alright, we can talk tomorrow.”

He started for the stairs but was pulled back by Sirius. The pull was so harsh he almost fell into his chest. He could feel Sirius breath on his face. He would’ve cringed because of the smell of vodka but Sirius' lips on his cheek stopped him.

It was so quick, Remus barely had time to register it, when Sirius was already pulling back, said “Night, Moony,” in a very breathless tone, and turned to stumble to his bedroom.

He didn’t even look back, just went inside and closed the door quietly, leaving Remus standing in the middle of the room.

“Hey, loverboy,” Mary called down to him from the second floor softly. She was leaning over the railing slightly, her black, curly hair had grown past her shoulders during the summer and were now falling to her face like a curtain. She was smiling, sneaky, like she had a secret that she wanted Remus to be in on. “Coming up or staying down?”

Remus tried not to show his predicament and rolled his eyes instead, climbing the stairs.

Marlene was sitting cross-legged in front of Dorcas in her bed on the covers, already in their sleepwear, with Dorcas braiding Mary’s blonde hair into two, short ponytails. Dorcas’ dark skin contrasted against Mary’s pale hair and even paler skin, her own long, dark braids falling forward as she concentrated. They tickled Marlene’s arms from behind and she giggled.

Dorcas raised her gaze when Remus went towards his bed. “Were you denied entry?” she asked, rather crudely with definite insinuation.

“Dorcas!” Lily said, shocked. Then she turned to Remus, “Were you?”

“I hate you all.” Remus said instead of answering and turned, not wanting them to see his face flush red, again.

Mary laughed, hopping onto her own bed. “You love us, really.”

When Remus grumbled something incomprehensible, Marlene said, “Never would’ve taken Sirius for a prude, though. I mean, that kiss even looked insanely good.”

Remus clenched his jaw. “Can we not?” he asked.

He did love the girls but they drove him crazy, most of the time.

“Now, now, ladies. Remus doesn’t kiss and tell. He’s a gentleman.” Lily said, very regally and winked at him.

He smiled at her thankfully, although her comment was again unnecessary. He wished he wasn’t such a gentleman all the time.

Marlene, Mary and Dorcas took the hint - they all knew that if Remus was going to shut them out, he would. They also knew that in due time, he would indulge them. They’d all learned to wait him out, in a manner of speaking.

Remus both hated and loved them for it.

Mary blew a kiss towards them all from the first bed in the row and Marlene pretended to catch it. Lily laughed. “Goodnight, dorks.” she said, lying down.

When the girls had settled, Remus quickly changed into his T-shirt and bottoms he slept in, using the cover of the dark and the girls not paying attention. He was paranoid that his scars could still be visible, even in the cover of night.

He turned to his side and saw Lily watching him. She smiled, albeit a little sadly. She reached out her hand and extended a pinky. Remus took it with his own. “Night, Remus.” she whispered and Remus returned the sentiment. His heart nearly exploded for how much he loved his best friend.

After what seemed like forever, even Marlene’s (who was the lightest of sleepers from them all) breathing evened out and he was awake, alone.

The thoughts danced around his mind without having gained his permission. He saw Sirius laughing on the windowsill in their common room, barely able to breathe after Remus had told him the stupidest joke, cigarette dangling from his fingers dangerously.

Sirius’ face when Remus once decided to wear a leather jacket when they went out to the city when they were at the Potters - his eyes alight with fire and his mouth half-parted in awe.

The woods, in the morning, after a full moon - Sirius handing him a coat to cover him and letting him lean on his shoulder with softly spoken words, “I’ve got you, Moony.”

Sirius’ hands on the guitar strings as he tried his best to learn a new Zeppelin song. His slender fingers. His wrists.

His jawline clenched when Remus was being flirted with a Ravenclaw a year above them and saving him when Remus showed signs of distress. Taking his hand to drag Remus to the common room with no explanation as to why he initiated physical contact, letting go as soon as they made it there.

Sirius’ laugh, again.

Sirius reaching out, when Remus’ anxiety over the last exam took a hold of him. His hands going through his hair, soothing. Heart beating in time with his. Again, words. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Fuck it.

If Sirius was going to turn him away, he’d accept it (not gracefully, perhaps, but he would. He’d do anything for him). And if Regulus indeed had objections, Remus could just mention James (and Lily) and he’d let Remus have anything he wanted to stop him spilling the beans (Remus would never stoop so low. He didn’t know what he’d do with the whole Regulus situation).

Remus checked his wristwatch (a gift from James’ parents. They spoiled him rotten and he always felt a clench in his chest looking at the gift, knowing he could never repay them) and realised it was almost half past 2 a.m.

He crept out of the bed, carefully avoiding any creaky floorboards and descended the stairs, his eyes adjusting to the dark quickly (courtesy of being a werewolf).

His heart beat so loudly he was sure the whole cabin could hear. He didn’t even have a plan. Just as he reached the couch, he started to panic slightly. What the hell was he doing? It had been just one kiss, on a dare. They had been drunk. He might still be drunk (he was pretty sure he wasn’t). Peter snorted in his sleep (thank god he was a heavy sleeper) and Remus shook himself out of his stupor.

He remembered Sirius’ fingers on his skin, bodies squished together in the armchair.

And he crept forward. Just as he was a few feet away from the door - it opened. Steadily, quietly.

And out came Regulus.

When Regulus turned, after successfully closing the door behind him, he went still as a statue, seeing Remus conspicuously crouched over in his path.

They stared at one another. With one look towards Peter, making sure he was asleep, Remus dared to whisper. “Are you… coming back?”

Regulus didn’t even flinch. Neither did it seem as though anything was confusing to him in the question. Instead of announcing Remus to be insane, he raised a brow. “Are you gonna be there if I do?” he asked back, barely heard, whispering so low that Remus had to lean closer to catch it.

He gnawed at his lip, trying to avoid Regulus’ eyes. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment. Whatever he’d say, he was still talking to Sirius’ baby brother. He had to think.

“Maybe. Probably.” Remus replied, barely audible at that point. He knew Regulus couldn’t see his ear turn pink but he himself felt it. He was assuming Sirius would let him… stay. And Remus was being incredibly hopeful.

Regulus made a silent gagging noise. “Then no.” he answered.

Remus didn’t ask him anything else, not why he was up or where he was going. He already knew. Regulus nodded and, with one quick glance at Peter’s sleeping form, crept past Remus towards James’ and Peter’s room.

Remus took a deep breath and slowly turned the knob of the door that held Sirius Black from his view.